Salient features of Railway Budget 2009-10

New Delhi. With the new budget Maamta Di has also announced new perks. Railing behind the pro-gay ruling, she has announced a new quota called the ‘Gay Quota’. All RAC can be automatically converted to Gay Quota as they will have no problem in sharing berths. 'Pulling the Chain' will have also a different context in the railway rule. If the male co-passenger does not give his consent, then pulling the chain can lead to two nights in isolation in a jail in Delhi or Rs. 377 fine or both. Like there were separate coupa for women, there will be another coupa for men travelling alone as our bhai-baap will be unsafe from the gayish look of straight men.

Tatkaal scheme will be now renamed to 'Taatkaal' scheme to give it a pro-Bengal accent. Since Lalu has now converted to a non-veggie and started eating chicken, chicken will be removed from the menu and replaced with maacher-jhol (fish curry). This will give Lalu the reinforcing feeling that he was not in power. To rub it further, his father-in-law will not be allowed to board the train without a proper ticket now.

Trains would now stop at all the nondescript stations in West Bengal. The railway minister said this at the inauguration of New Railway e-Mail Service "Train should stop at Malda Town as well as Malda Village. If Malda Village doesn't exist, then a new station should be created with this name".

The minister said that the RMS (Railway Mail Service) should change to Railway email service. It has appointed Mr. Chandan Nilekani of Tinfosys for the same. Mr. Nilekani will quit his job and lead the Railway informatics team. Other Indian software companies like BATA Consultancy Services (BCS) will also be benefitted by this as they will be given some contract to manage data. A German company, TAP Labs based out of Bangalore will be given the contract to carry out seamless distribution of email across the nation and the world. It will use a pioneering concept of opening the tap and filling it at stations. It will be an electronic tap and fill the bogie with email at a particular station.

There will be no increase in fare and the unreserved waitlisted AC 1st class ticket can now be converted to a low cost airline named Dice Jet, because when you travel by Dice Jet, your chance of reaching the destination is dicey and you take almost the same time as railways.

Lalu's Kullhad will be now replaced by Nano cups. It will be the smallest cup in the market. Mr Patan Bata, chairman of BATA group expressed his gratitude for getting business in Bengal. He has suffered major loss when Nano car project was thrown out of Bengal. He will make some profit by selling nano cups. He agreed that he will employ 100% of labours from the neighbouring Jhhingur village in Bengal.

With these set of reforms in the Railways, the budget is sure to give a mishti (sweet) feeling in the 'Korbo-Lorbo-Jeetbo' generation.

(Submitted by the correspondent 'Idiot Box' through the Railway e-mail Service)

Railway passengers will be fined for snoring and farting

New Delhi. In a significant development, Railway Minister Mamta Banerjee announced a new rule for Indian Railways that would empower TTEs (Train Ticket Examiners) to penalize passengers indulged in persistent snoring or farting while traveling. The penalty could range from a fine of 500 Rupees to five hours of imprisonment inside the train toilet. The rule was announced while presenting the Railway Budget for financial year 2009-10, and will come into effect from next week.

The rule has been welcomed and come as a relief to millions of non-snoring-non-farting railway commuters, who otherwise were disappointed with the minister over non-introduction of new facilities to enrich the traveling experience. Such harassed commuters will now have an option of complaining to the TTE about a snoring or farting passenger causing discomfort to them, following which the TTE would be free to exercise his punitive powers right away.

“It’s a very good decision. In fact I would say that this is the best that Mamtadi could do to better the traveling experience. What’s the use of other facilities when there is a farting zombie sitting with you? Can you imagine a situation where you are served the most delicious food by the Railways and as soon as you open the packet, the guy sitting next to you farts? It sucks man! Same goes for snoring losers; what’s the use of being offered a cozy berth with Kashmiri shawl if the guy sleeping on the next berth is sending out a wake up alarm all the time?” Prashant, a railway commuter told.

But many people believe that the new rule curtails the fundamental rights of people, especially the right to equality and the right to freedom of expression. They believe that fining or imprisoning someone is akin to treating them like criminals, which violates the fundamental rights of people.

“On what basis farting or snoring could be deemed as a crime? On one hand we just had gay sex being legalized and on the other hand we are witnessing farting and snoring being illegalized. This is shocking. Just like gays choose to release their sexuality in a different way, these people choose to release air in a bit different way from the majority. How can it be a punishable crime?” Ashant, a Human Rights activist protested.

These activists suggest that people having problems with snoring or farting passengers should change their berths instead of victimizing the poor souls. Fearing a showdown between protestors and supporters of the new rule, some pacifists have suggested a system that could allow people to indicate themselves as farters or non-farters while booking the tickets so that the railways can club them separately and allocate berths accordingly.

Ms. Mamta Banerjee promised to look into the matter but she categorically denied that the rule could be scrapped following these protests, which means that rest of the passengers can breathe a whiff of fresh air for now.

Durex to launch gay condoms in India

New Delhi. It seems that a whole new gay economy is waiting to open up after Delhi High Court legalized gay sex in India today. Experts anticipate that more and more gays would now come out in open and assert their identity and rights after this verdict. This also potentially opens up a new and lucrative consumer group for marketers as most of the gays and lesbians are assumed to be belonging to well-off families.

Durex, the international condom manufacturers, has become the first corporate group to reach out to this potential consumer group. The company announced its plan to launch exclusive condoms for Indian gays. The ‘gay’ condom has been named “GayPlay” and the company claims that it differs from the ‘straight’ condoms in aesthetics and components, and has been designed exclusively for gays keeping in view their special needs. GayPlay condoms would be made of latex as usual, but the thickness and lubricity of the material will vary from the straight condoms.

“Gays need condoms that can sustain coarse wear and tear over a period of time but still are able to provide silky lubrication. The regular condoms fail on these factors and prove to be useless for gays. GayPlay has all that the gays needed but we were afraid that the product would have been declared illegal in India. Now that India has legalized gay sex, the last hurdle in the launch of GayPlay has gone.” Durex issued a press release announcing the launch.

Experts believe that this is just the beginning and we could see many more gay targeted products and services being offered soon in India. Google hot trends also showed that most Indians searched for India’s first gay cartoon character “Gaydhak” immediately after gay sex was declared legal.

“Gaydhak is just a small fry but a good beginning for India. But India needs to learn a lot from the outside world. You would be happy to learn that we could soon have the first gay Disneyland in the USA. Our lobbyists are trying hard to pressurize Obama administration to give green signal to the proposed Disneyland and inaugurate it by unveiling a grand statute of Pluto embracing Goofy. It would be so cool.” Homa Gaylot, a leading gay rights activist told Faking News.

Gay right groups expect services like gay amusement parks, gay pubs, and gay matrimony websites to be launched soon in India. But their ultimate dream is to see Gay Premier League (GPL) being organized by the BCCI.

“We are normal people. We do normal things and like all other normal Indians, we love Cricket. We would be most happy to see GPL being organized in India. I’m sure Shahrukh Khan will definitely buy a gay team and support the cause. We are sure his gay team would do much better than his supposedly straight Knight Riders.” Homa Gaylot expressed hope.

Economist thinks smart-ass Indians, not petrol price hike, causes inflation

New Delhi. Millions of Indians, mostly belonging to the middle and upper middle classes, brought traffic and daily life to a standstill in various cities of the country last evening by queuing up to buy petrol and diesel from filling stations before their prices went up last midnight. Government had hiked the petrol prices by four rupees per liter and diesel by two rupees per liter, apparently to cut losses of oil companies in view of rising prices of crude oil in the international market. But it seems that with this price hike, government has been able achieve more than just cutting the losses of oil companies.

“A typical car tank holds up to 40-50 liters of petrol, and hence those smart Indians who spent hours in queues last night to fill their tank fully could save around 150-200 rupees each. Let us discount the value of their time and value of the petrol that they might have lost while waiting in the queue. Since the number of such smart Indians was sizeable, the amount saved can’t be ignored. And let us not confuse the amount with ordinary savings; petrol is an asset, which means that those people could increase their assets and their individual net worths by 150-200 rupees instantly as valuation of petrol went up after last midnight. This clearly meant that millions of those smart Indians could increase public saving by billions of rupees, which should now bring down the interest rates and increase public investment.” noted economist Asatya Sen told Faking News.

Various Indians who queued up to buy petrol or diesel last night were happy and contented to learn this. They felt vindicated at having spent time and energy for buying petrol and hoped that the economy will get a boost after their generous contribution. But their happiness was a bit short-lived as many experts feared that this increase in public saving could actually adversely impact the economy and the lives of common man.

“I agree with Asatya Sen that this increase in public saving will bring down the interest rates, but that would not stimulate investment or shape up the economy. In fact, a fall in interest rates will push up housing prices impacting the common man. Not only housing prices, a general inflationary movement could be witnessed soon. We always blame the government for inflation that follows petrol price hikes, but the truth is that the common man is responsible for this mess thanks to his smart-ass behavior of saving a few bucks.” another noted economist Satya Sen opined.

Petroleum Minister Murli Deora agreed with Satya Sen and feared that such reckless behavior by the citizens of India could initiate an inflationary movement in the economy causing the prices of essential commodities to go up. He also suspected that most of the people who queued up yesterday night to buy petrol could have been BJP workers who wanted to discredit the government by pushing up inflation. The minister warned the opposition and media against blaming the UPA government for the ensuing inflation.

Hunt on for sculptor who merged Mayawati and Elephant statues

Lucknow. The entire Uttar Pradesh administration got the shock of their life when they found out that one of the statues of the Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati, which was to be unveiled by Mayawati herself, had head of an elephant. The shocking discovery was made when the officials were inspecting all the to-be-unveiled-and-installed statutes for possible hidden explosives. A massive hunt for the sculptor, who mysteriously created this half-mayawati-half-elephant statue, has been ordered by the state administration.

It is not clear if the original statue was designed to be that of Mayawati or an elephant, as the fugitive sculptor had merged the head and the torso seamlessly. But in either case, the statue was intended to be a part of the grand project by the Chief Minister to construct parks, museums, and memorials dedicated to dalits, which would help them advance socially and psychologically. Installing statues of herself and of elephants, the symbol of her political party, has been the pinnacle of the project.

Numerous theories were doing the round about the possible motive of the sculptor behind creating such a statue. The local District Magistrate believes that the sculptor was too drained and disoriented after carving out innumerous statues of Mayawati and elephants in recent times, and thus mixed up both the statues inadvertently. But not many in the state administration are ready to buy his theory and he might be suspended for this grave dereliction of duty.

Chief Minister Mayawati has accused Samajwadi Party and Congress workers to be behind the act, and has warned them of dire consequences. She threatened to defile statues of Mahatma Gandhi if another such half-mayawati-half-elephant statue was found in any part of the state.

But her own party leader and the popular Brahmin face of the party Mr. Satish Chandra Mishra has sought to downplay the development. In fact, Mr. Mishra claimed that the controversial statue was actually a genuine tribute to the divinity of Behen Mayawati.

“I believe the sculptor acted in good faith. He tried to create a female version of Lord Ganesha and out of his devotion, he chose Behenji as the medium of expression. Lord Ganesha is the god of intellect and wisdom. He removes obstacles, facilitates auspicious beginnings, and is a patron of arts and sciences. All these qualities are present in Behenji, so it was perfectly fitting for the sculptor to have done this.” Mr. Mishra put a spin on the whole episode.

It’s not sure if Mr. Mishra’s spin would be able to save the sculptor who has gone underground after the statue was first discovered by the security officials. But while the state police was still trying to hunt down the sculptor, Faking News special correspondent could catch hold of him. The sculptor was very tense and terrified, and requested our correspondent not to disclose his whereabouts. When we promised to keep his details secret, the sculptor confided to us his frustrations.

“I was mighty pissed off after making thousands of statues of Mayawati and elephants. My life was getting screwed. My wife left me because I compared her nature with Mayawati’s and beauty with an elephant. I don’t even know if I meant the other way round, my wife never believed me. To top it all, I heard that the state government had spent something like 2000 crores on these statues with a single statue costing around 70 lakhs. What the fuck man! I was not even paid 700 rupees for one statue!! What do you expect me to do?” the sculptor told agitatedly.