Patna. Nirad Pandey, a 39 year old father of three, who was recently diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive English speaking disorder (OCESD), suffered multiple injuries after he was thrashed black and blue by some miscreants near railway station. Nirad was reportedly arguing in English with the miscreants after they had passed some comments on him in Hindi. The argument got heated up after a while and finally ended up with nine fractured bones of Nirad in his limbs.

“They had called me kameena (rascal) and it riled me up. Those ugly mofos were sounding even fucking uglier as they spoke in Hindi with a fucking Bihari accent. How do you expect me to take some shit like this? I told those bloody bastards to mind their language or I’d have fucked their happiness by shoving pig sticks in their asses. Frustrated with my English speaking abilities, the wankers beat me up.” Nirad recounted his experience with the ‘foul mouthed Hindi speaking gundas’.

Doctors of ‘rajkiya swasthya mandir’, the hospital where Nirad has been admitted by his family members, have declared him out of danger but advised a one week bed rest for him. Doctors fear that this incident could worsen the OCESD condition in Nirad.

The Holy Book

As a school student, Nirad had won a three-day trip to England after winning a ‘spoon with egg’ race organized by a tour and travel company some twenty five years back. After returning from England, Nirad apparently developed a liking for speaking English in British accent with everyone. Slowly this liking grew into an obsessive compulsive disorder and Nirad refused to speak in Hindi with anyone.

Relatives say that the turning point in his condition was the incident where Nirad could score 66% more marks in his pre-board re-exams just because he answered all the questions in English in his second attempt. Nirad had confided to his family members that his new answers were nothing but mere a literal translation of his earlier answers in Hindi.

“This incident had a deep impact on Nirad and he refused to speak or write in Hindi after that. He even started talking to our maid in English. He used to have regular tiffs with people over speaking in English, especially his British accent. When he used to play cricket with friends, all the batsmen used to hard hit on his bowling as if they were hitting him in his face for his English, but such behavior only made him more resolute.” Nirad’s younger brother Niraj told Faking News.

Nirad had banned use of Hindi in his home and regularly used to beat up his kids for speaking in Hindi. This is the first time he has been beaten up for speaking in English.

“This won’t change anything. Hindi speaking fucktards lack confidence and they are plain jealous of people like us. They should raise their standards for god’s sake instead of trying to bring us down. This is so fucking disgusting and it can happen only in India.” Nirad expressed his frustration and appealed to Hindi speakers to gain some knowledge and culture.

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