Reported by Mumbai. A research conducted by National Institute of Corporeal Endowments (NICE) has found out that men, who tend to talk loudly on their mobile phones during screening of movies in a multiplex or during staging of a play in a theatre, have smaller than average penises. The research was conducted on a group of 500 uncouth and boorish people in the metropolitans, who volunteered without caring to know the hypothesis of the research.
“We just asked them if they would like to volunteer for a research that would involve measuring their private parts, and most of them readily agreed without asking for further details. Hence our findings also indicate that such men, in all probabilities, either suffer from moronic delirium or delusions of grandeur.” NICE president Freud Mukund said.
Writing on the wall
Although NICE people have data to confirm the relationship between size of penis and talking-on-mobile habits, the exact cause of such a relationship remains elusive. There is no apparent reason why should such kind of mobile phone usage shorten the size of one’s penis or why should the penile size of someone affect his mobile phone usage habits. But a lot of theories have been put forward. NICE researches believe that sexual jealousy is the moot cause of such behavior.
“People with shorter penis are short on confidence in public life and they keep on doing stuff to attract public attention. In fact many a times they are jealous of ‘longer’ people and just want to harass them. Such an attitude causes them to start using the mobile phones in real obtrusive and offensive manner.” Frieda Sigmundo, a NICE researcher postulated.
The findings have been received largely positively by the psychoanalysts and sexologists, but sociologists warn of increased tensions in the society following the findings. They point out that even without these findings, there had been skirmishes in the past with one guy being shot for talking during the screening of Benjamin Button movie in the USA.
“The society has a tendency to mock at people who have unusual sexual orientations or abilities. See what happens to gays. Such findings would only provide ammunition to the majority to laugh at these poor souls. I guess such research findings should not be made public and must be confined to academic class.” leading sociologist British Kandy opined.
The report is silent about women or children talking loudly during movies.
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Maybe if this headline is screened just before the start of movie ….then many people might refrain from such practices .
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by E Nina Rothe. E Nina Rothe said: More FAB @FakingNews Screen before films! http://bit.ly/v89pJ [...]
What the research missed out on is the real surprising bit in the context. It is a little known and still controversial fact, that Women talking loud on mobile during movies also have small penises.
haha … gud one
Size tending to zero
no…..idiot….its -8 inches….
That is a roaring-laughter headline man! Simply loved it. This one deserves to be an Onion headline.
(And my complains about the copy of the remaining text remain….and I don’t even know what could be done in cases like these where the biggest punchline is delivered at the top. May be, there was a chance to extend the idea to how stupid ANY survey is and examples of a few more such surveys. Just thinking aloud…)
If this is not news then what is?
A good reflection of the decadence of our times. Ignorance being bliss reflects the screaming demise of a race that is running against the finish line.
friedo sigmundo? lol
cn guess whos sis is she?
this is awesome
Does it mean small penis (read: antenna) is weaker than big penis (read: antenna) to catch radio waves (a.k.a cell phone signals).
Thats an intelligent one !!
Like the antenna (in the earlier mobile phones), the penis (as the distinct physical characteristic of a man) would slowly disappear as a vestigial oegan in the modern version of uber/ urban men.
Women wouldn’t need men — or their penises to reproduce — or enjoy sex.
Size wouldn’t matter!