I’m pissed Sania. Pissed.

For years I have tolerated your pathetic second round exits on court and not said anything in the spirit of feminism. For years I have not commented on the size of your ever increasing love handles brought on by copious amounts of biryani. For years I have heard you make an ass of yourself at press conferences and make incoherent excuses in a fake accent.

For years I have told myself that my friends in Hyderabad were wrong in saying that you stank and people didn’t like sitting next to you in high school. I even supported you when the mullahs were against your dressing sense (largely because your shaking thunder thighs reminded me of the good ol days of Silk Smitha’s erotic movies).

But today, along with 500 million other horny teenagers whose access to good looking Muslim women ended with Jemima Khan’s posters, I say enough!

Today, I stop cheering for you at your matches. Today, I stop calling your rack as the best on the WTA circuit. Today, I stop googling “Sania Mirza sexy hot pics”.

Today, I am switching to badminton and becoming a fan of Saina Nehwal. Look her up; she can be totally hot if she wants to be.

Of all the people you had to leave poor ol Mohammad Sohrab Mirza and his snazzy engagement Armani suit for – you had to go with Shoaib Malik?

What is it about losers that they always end up with others of their kind? Has Fatima Bhutto ever wanted to get married to Lakshmipathy Balaji? Has Shireen Mazari ever expressed love for Shiv Shankar Menon?

Sania Mirza’s decision to marry outside India is expected to reinstate Mandira Bedi as the most favorite sportswoman of India

Did you watch Veer Zaraa one too many times? Does your family not have a copy of Lakshya at home? Is this some lameass attempt at making the “Aman Ki Asha” campaign a success? Do you realize it will in fact do more damage as every Indian would get even more pissed off? Do you realize how this will only continue to reinforce the stereotype of marrying within the community?

Do you know you are already being called Pakistan ki Bahu even though Shoaib Malik was never even treated like their own son?

Do you realize how many visas our embassy will have to issue for his entire extended family to come down here for the ceremony? Do you realize why Shoaib Akhtar got a bout of genital warts?

Do you realize Asif Ali Zardari might end up at your wedding and make cheesy-ass remarks while grinning from ear to ear?

Do you realize the LeT will do a 22 gun salute in Muridke? Do you realize, your wedding might just have ONE DISH as per law in Pakistan? All that feminist bullshit and you will move because of your man to Dubai?

Dubai?! Who the fuck goes to Dubai anymore? Even Mohammad Asif said fuck this – I’m injecting at home. As if every tom dick and harry in this country singing Atif Aslam songs wasn’t bad enough. Not even the good ones.

Years of BCCI’s plans, foreign policy diktats and millions of young people’s aspirations have been broken thanks to your horny little uber-bitch move. I’m giving you one and a half years before you get pregnant and leave the sport. Anything more and I will start wearing a Barcelona jersey and keep tweeting about the UEFA Champions League as if my being a supporter will make anyone give a shit.

And take that damn nose ring off – it makes you look like a total slut.

(written by Khamba after six bottles of beer and posted without a stamp; the postal department delivered it to Faking News office instead)

Possibly Related News:

1. Sania Mirza to lead Indian cricket team during Asian Games
2. An open letter to Shoaib Malik (hope this one is delivered)
3. Sunday Magazine: Are we missing something on Sania’s marriage?
4. An open letter to Nitish Kumar from a non resident Bihari
5. An open letter to Lalit Modi (please tell us the truth before you go)