Kolkata. In a desperate bid to create sensation and seek media attention, the Indian Football team will now target the bottom three position of the FIFA world ranking. This startling revelation was made in a press conference by Mr. Andre Sam Smellow, the President of Indian Football Association of Rejuvenated Thinkers (IFART).
“The present condition is pathetic,” fumed Mr. A.S.Smellow, “A so called Celebrity Cricket League played by Suniel Shetty and other spotboys grabs more attention than crucial iLeague matches. Football teams are getting scrapped and no one bothers. The show ‘Guess the Celebrities’ never morphs our footballers’ faces with other film celebrities, not even with Tusshar Kapoor. We are like the Lok Sabha channel of a cable television. It’s desperate times and these are desperate measures.”
Miss Lalita Ramodia, special adviser and PRO of IFART believe that the task won’t be as easy as it sounds. “To come to limelight we need to be innovative, creative, and different,” says Ms. Ramodia, “We can’t gamble and lose matches; the Pakistan Cricket Board has already done that, neither can we screw up good players’ careers as demonstrated by the West Indies board. The real trick will be to form a team which in itself is ‘Unwinable’. The absence of this term in dictionary is proof enough that nothing like this has been ever done before.”
The Coach of Indian National Team and a former PT teacher of Reo Montessori in Brazil, Mr. Gregho De Chap Pele is also endorsing Miss Ramodia’s views: “We can’t afford to win a single match. We need to find players who can lose a game all by themselves. We need a team whose coordination and understanding puts your Lokpal committee to shame.”
A nationwide hunt has since begun to find the Ajit Agarkars and Ravindra Jadejas of Indian football. The management has also requested SRK to part own the National team. His habit of Involving players in the off field shenanigans will be playing a vital role in boosting their over confidence and lowering their concentration.
As is always the case, IFART also is seeing Pakistan as their major threat in this mission. They feel that over the years Pak football has shown much more consistency in downgrading their standards. Besides their recent decisions of appointing Kamran Akmal as the national team’s goalkeeper and Ijaz Butt as their selector has given wind to the speculations that Pakistan was already onto something similar but with much better weaponries.
The Indian Sports Minister Mr. Khelki Mabenkar was shocked and disgusted by this news. “You mean India has a national team that plays football?” In astonishment his eyes were protruding out like a Jabulani ball.
However, once educated by the authorities, he quickly settled down and gave his bytes, “This is a good attacking move, I would also like to suggest IFART to fill in the reserve benches with the back benchers of schools; have heard that they are not good at passing.” In one swift punch, the minister showcased his juvenile sense of humor and his seriousness about the beautiful game.
As expected, the general public remained completely unfazed by this startling news. While most of them wondered why the nation needed a Football team at all when we already had a Cricket team, others were busy discussing if Manchester United would lose the Premier League title next year.