Irom Sharmila, who has been fasting for 10 years to support lifting of the AFSPA powers act in Manipur and is arrested every year under Section 309 of the Indian constitution – said she was happy about finally getting mainstream media’s attention towards issues of the North East but realized something was wrong when the journalist started questioning her about Saif Ali Khan’s upcoming film Aarakshan and “daughter” Soha Ali Khan’s continuing downward spiral in Bollywood.

Irom Chanu Sharmila, also known as the "Iron Lady of Manipur" and "Menghaobi" (found out by Faking News editorial team after reading Wikipedia), reacts after the journalist posed questions about Saif Ali Khan to her.

“I did not know what happened. First I thought my cause is finally getting the attention it deserves along with Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev’s so-called fasts until breakfast. But then she started asking if this was another publicity stunt for son Saif’s new movie and whether conducting the fast in China was a way for Bollywood to reach a new target market. That’s when I realized something was wrong. Who knows where these CNN-IBN people get their training from, but at least we finally saw one camera crew,” said a visibly amused Irom Sharmila who couldn’t stop laughing and stopped the interview midway on realizing the journalist’s error.

Parul, an English Hons. graduate from a top private journalism school in New Delhi describes the incident as follows: “One night I was sitting online on Twitter waiting for my boss Rajdeep’s daily pearls of twisdom, when he asked why Irom Sharmila hadn’t gotten the same coverage as Ramdev over the last 10 years – and I thought WOW! I didn’t know Sharmila had been on a fast for so long. I thought I could cover it and impress Rajdeep into getting a promotion – I mean what’s the point of owning a TV channel and cribbing about her not getting coverage for 10 years?”

On being asked why she didn’t identify Irom Sharmila as being a different person she said, “Arre yaar who knows what these Bollywood people look like without make up? I haven’t seen her on TV since the time grandma watched her movies on Doordarshan and I thought it was her. In hindsight though I guess I should have realized she could not be fasting for 10 years and be the Brooke Bond Red Label brand ambassador at the same time.”

After this faux pas, people in Manipur have requested Delhi media not to make further attempts at sanity as they fear the whole issue going the Jan Lokpal way. “We don’t want Digvijay Singh passing judgments on Menghaobi’s credentials and integrity,” a Manipuri resident expressed his deepest fears.

Back in Delhi, aam aadmi was left wondering if AFSPA was some variant of corruption.

(reported by Khamba [name not changed])

Possibly Related News:

1. Dead NASA satellite debris crash-lands on India TV’s office
2. Politician starts fast in Andhra Pradesh, but no one knows why
3. To come on television, girl decides fast for Rahul Gandhi on Karva Chauth
4. Castes in Bihar impatient to know how fast their GDP grew
5. BCCI announces IPL-5 in a bid to end Baba Ramdev’s fast

First off, let me congratulate you for believing in the concept of marriage so much, that you were willing to come here and surrender your passport to the Hyderabad police. Inshallah, in case you get arrested tomorrow, you will be the second most famous Pakistani in our prisons since Ajmal Kasab. You have no idea how excited I am at the possibility of hearing Rehman Malik call you a non-state actor.

Sania Mirza and Shoaib Malik discuss why they haven’t received their respective letters each

Let me also express my condolences for being tricked into thinking that Sania Mirza was a Pakistani citizen. I completely understand how tricky it can be, given a city of the same name also exists in your native land, and given your opinion (which you so rightly expressed after your loss to us kafirs in the 2007 T20 World Cup) that it is the only place in the world where true Muslims such as our lovely tennis starlet can live. Those extra-curricular classes with Inzamam and Yousuf Youhana turned out to be a total bitch, huh?

I do want to take the time however, to give you a few pointers about life in general.

I know you’re from Sialkot, where a woman showing her eyes is akin to being in a Hooters bar, but there are some things which I want you to keep in mind in case you decide to venture out in the world again.

Stop using Yahoo Chat and get on Skype: Again, perhaps you didn’t hear about Skype being from a small town and all – but it’s a totally rocking piece of software where you can actually SEE the person you are talking to. Dump that Yahoo id where you play a/s/l a/s/l with everyone whose name even sounds remotely like a woman’s. And DON’T click on that id with a TV next to it! Those webcams are totally fake!

Don’t “fall in love” with someone’s pictures: Trust me when I say I find you good looking. In fact, so good looking that you have more potential than Harman Baweja and Uday Chopra will ever have to produce a hit. Then why sell yourself short like that? Women NEVER send their real pictures online. So if you want to jerk off, let me refer you to www.redtube.com – Real women, real fun! And yes, desibaba.com shut down a LONG time ago

Stop telling the media you treated Ayesha like your elder sister: Really? That you called Ayesha Siddiqui “aapa” is your defense? All you are doing is giving more fillip to the stereotype that people from your country keep marrying their own cousins and sisters. So think about the consequences.

Apologize to Inzaman and make friends with Yuvraj Singh: You realize he will beat the crap out of you when he finds out the reason you weren’t performing was that you were up all night before the match sexting an Indian cross between Oprah and Ugly Betty? Make friends with Yuvraj Singh NOW and see how it’s done in style!

Blame it on Ijaz Butt: Seriously, if nothing else works, that will.

That said, I wish you and Sania the best of luck for your wedding. Oh and, before I finish, make sure you work out before the big night, I hear she’s a bit on the heavier side.

XOXO

Khamba

(written by Khamba after surviving all comments and reactions to his earlier open letter to Sania Mirza)

Possibly Related News:

1. Sania Shoaib marriage on rocks over match-fixing allegations
2. An open letter to Sania Mirza (returned by postal department)
3. An open letter to Lalit Modi (please tell us the truth before you go)
4. An open letter to Nitish Kumar from a non resident Bihari
5. Sunday Magazine: Are we missing something on Sania’s marriage?

For years I have tolerated your pathetic second round exits on court and not said anything in the spirit of feminism. For years I have not commented on the size of your ever increasing love handles brought on by copious amounts of biryani. For years I have heard you make an ass of yourself at press conferences and make incoherent excuses in a fake accent.

For years I have told myself that my friends in Hyderabad were wrong in saying that you stank and people didn’t like sitting next to you in high school. I even supported you when the mullahs were against your dressing sense (largely because your shaking thunder thighs reminded me of the good ol days of Silk Smitha’s erotic movies).

But today, along with 500 million other horny teenagers whose access to good looking Muslim women ended with Jemima Khan’s posters, I say enough!

Today, I stop cheering for you at your matches. Today, I stop calling your rack as the best on the WTA circuit. Today, I stop googling “Sania Mirza sexy hot pics”.

Today, I am switching to badminton and becoming a fan of Saina Nehwal. Look her up; she can be totally hot if she wants to be.

Of all the people you had to leave poor ol Mohammad Sohrab Mirza and his snazzy engagement Armani suit for – you had to go with Shoaib Malik?

What is it about losers that they always end up with others of their kind? Has Fatima Bhutto ever wanted to get married to Lakshmipathy Balaji? Has Shireen Mazari ever expressed love for Shiv Shankar Menon?

Sania Mirza’s decision to marry outside India is expected to reinstate Mandira Bedi as the most favorite sportswoman of India

Did you watch Veer Zaraa one too many times? Does your family not have a copy of Lakshya at home? Is this some lameass attempt at making the “Aman Ki Asha” campaign a success? Do you realize it will in fact do more damage as every Indian would get even more pissed off? Do you realize how this will only continue to reinforce the stereotype of marrying within the community?

Do you know you are already being called Pakistan ki Bahu even though Shoaib Malik was never even treated like their own son?

Do you realize how many visas our embassy will have to issue for his entire extended family to come down here for the ceremony? Do you realize why Shoaib Akhtar got a bout of genital warts?

Do you realize Asif Ali Zardari might end up at your wedding and make cheesy-ass remarks while grinning from ear to ear?

Do you realize the LeT will do a 22 gun salute in Muridke? Do you realize, your wedding might just have ONE DISH as per law in Pakistan? All that feminist bullshit and you will move because of your man to Dubai?

Dubai?! Who the fuck goes to Dubai anymore? Even Mohammad Asif said fuck this – I’m injecting at home. As if every tom dick and harry in this country singing Atif Aslam songs wasn’t bad enough. Not even the good ones.

Years of BCCI’s plans, foreign policy diktats and millions of young people’s aspirations have been broken thanks to your horny little uber-bitch move. I’m giving you one and a half years before you get pregnant and leave the sport. Anything more and I will start wearing a Barcelona jersey and keep tweeting about the UEFA Champions League as if my being a supporter will make anyone give a shit.

And take that damn nose ring off – it makes you look like a total slut.

(written by Khamba after six bottles of beer and posted without a stamp; the postal department delivered it to Faking News office instead)

Possibly Related News:

1. An open letter to Nitish Kumar from a non resident Bihari
2. An open letter to Lalit Modi (please tell us the truth before you go)
3. An open letter to Shoaib Malik (hope this one is delivered)
4. Sania Mirza to lead Indian cricket team during Asian Games
5. Three letter word invented by an Indian MBA creates stir in the world

Talking to reporters Subbarao said “Ever since I can remember – people have stopped using the one-rupee coin and small businesses across the country have been giving people toffees instead of actual change. We had to wake up to the reality that no one cares about the one-rupee coin anymore – not small businesses, not coin collectors, not even beggars! When was the last time a beggar actually accepted a one-rupee coin, and why should he? At least with toffees, underprivileged people can provide their children some form of nutrition.”

RBI has notified that a toffee broken into two parts won’t be two 50 paisa coins

Since the announcement – Cadbury’s global stock prices have jumped dramatically – leaving companies like Kraft, which had launched a hostile takeover bid recently, running for cover.  Cadbury CEO Bharat Puri welcomed the announcement, “We at Cadbury are very excited to have the Éclair as the official replacement for the one-rupee coin. We believe it is an act of common sense given that the production cost of the Éclair is much lower than the actual one-rupee coin. Besides it is lighter on the pocket and has nutritional value unlike the regular coin, which has been unfortunately getting swallowed by our children for a long time now.”

Common people have welcomed the step as they can now rightfully give back the toffees their shopkeepers had handed out to them to pay for other stuff they actually want to consume. In fact, by the evening, most of the grocery stores and FMCG stores in the country were brimming with toffees.

Some however were not so pleased. Amol Sharma of the ISB (Indian School of Beggars) expressed his disappointment at the change. “Our entire curriculum since the past few decades has evolved around our students asking for spare change. Now with this action, all that we will have is decayed teeth.” According to reports, ISB students could demonstrate in front of the RBI tomorrow opposing the proposed move with placards reading “no worms in our wallet”.

Possibly Related News:

1. Pakistan divided over what symbol to choose for its own rupee
2. After rupee, India could soon get a unique symbol for corruption
3. Pak used 100 USD to print a fake 500 rupee Indian note: Musharraf
4. Government scraps real games, to launch commonwealth computer games
5. Center scraps UID card in favor of UID t-shirts with numbers

Speaking at the launch ceremony in Islamabad’s Marriott Hotel, Zardari said, “Not just in the field of quality, this is a major strategic change in our international relations. We studied Indian strategy and felt that we must show the same level of practicality and return the favour by stamping all our products with RAW mark. Personally I think even the Marriott Hotels might have survived the attacks on them had they been ascertained for quality and stamped with the RAW mark.”

Purported to be implemented from 1st January 2010 under the aegis of the Pakistan Standards and Quality Control Authority, the RAW mark would hence be applied on every consumer good produced or imported in Pakistan. This would entail everything from soaps, pressure cookers, gas cylinders and even mineral water bottles. The products exempted include movies produced by Mahesh Bhatt and Atif Aslam’s albums if any one song features in a Bollywood movie besides those of Bhatt.

The arms recovered from Terrorists in Pakistan were marked Indian Ammo, but no RAW mark was found on them

But a controversy has broken out as a section of Pakistani establishment wants weapons of mass destruction such as RDX, Grenades and AK 47’s to be stamped with RAW mark as well, so that the involvement of RAW can be proved in the regular terrorist activities inside Pakistan.

“Nobody, including our own citizens and media, believed us when we claimed that Indian ammunitions were recovered from Taliban militia, whereas Indians have been claiming ISI involvement for ages now. It’s because they stamp the ISI mark on just any about damn thing. This decision will be useless if we don’t stamp the weapons with RAW stamp.” General Zaid Hamid, an ex-army officer of Pakistani Army said.

While the Indian officials are yet to react, the group that is most upset over this suggestion is Tehreek-E-Taliban, and it has threatened to speed up the terrorist attacks inside Pakistan to one each hour if any attempt was made to take the credits away from them.

Speaking from a remote cave in Waziristan the spokesperson of Tehreek-E-Taliban said “What the fuck! It has taken us a lot of time and effort to be able to carve a niche for ourselves within the terror market. Our members have worked diligently and used their extensive networks in Afghanistan, Iran, China and Nepal to be able to secure the latest in weapons technology. We have hired the best minds from management schools across Sudan and Yemen to be able to plan and organise these attacks. And once we end up executing the attacks to a flawless perfection – the Pakistani establishment says the Indians did it! Seriously, what the fuck!”

Taliban is not taking any chances and it has announced that future cadres of suicide bombers will be equipped with the latest in the black box technology and satellite navigation equipments, so that their movements, words and actions can be tracked and produced as evidence by Taliban to counter the claims of ISI and the Pakistani government.

Possibly Related News:

1. Pakistan Taliban has raised group of gay suicide bombers
2. US to give 2 million terrorists to Afghanistan and Pakistan
3. Taliban terrorists not yet sick and tired of killing human beings
4. Pakistan arrests Indian parrot on charges of spying and sabotage
5. Pakistan says it doesn’t give a shit to India’s concerns on terror

Announcing the scheme, Ambika Soni, the Minister of Culture said, “It is indeed amazing that no previous government had launched a program to bring out India’s hidden artistic talent that starts developing during high schools itself. It was literally sitting right under our noses! These drawings not only show the impressive training and technique that has gone into creation of the masterpieces, but also the entrepreneurial spirit of Indians in general, with many including LIC agents leaving their phone numbers and business details behind.”

A toilet graffiti artist at work

On being asked how these artists will be tracked down the Minister said, “That is the easiest part. As I told, not only LIC agents, many artists leave their phone numbers next to the drawings of their girlfriend’s anatomy. For others, we will advertise in the major newspapers of the cities and ask these artists to come forward. We will then ask them to furnish the details of their drawing along with identity proofs. Then they would be asked to give a live demonstration of their work, which will be then checked by forensic experts especially flown from the USA with skill sets as impeccable as is shown in CSI: Miami”.

A team of 300 IAS officers, 500 consultants, 3000 clerical officials, 9000 local contractors, and various other volunteers will be identified to group together all toilet graffiti artists from different parts of the country. Ministry officials denied any case of overstaffing and termed it as a normal sized team given the scope of the project. Officials refused to divulge the cost of the project, but experts believe that the costs will run into thousands of crores of rupees.

Faking News asked the common citizens of India for their reaction on the government’s decision. Most people have expressed hope and excitement to finally meet the elusive painters, poets and slogan writers, who have amused them for years in toilets, elevators, corridors, corners, buses and other public places.

Faking News also contacted famous nude painter M.F. Hussain and asked him what he thought of the entire exercise. Hussain expressed his wholehearted support to the endeavor, “I am absolutely thrilled that the government is creating such a platform for artists who can look beyond clothes. The thing that excites me the most is that not only will famous artists be discovered but also great poets. The best poetry and art comes out when one has a sad social life. And given the sexual frustration and sad social lives of these people, it is inevitable that their art will take over the world.”

Possibly Related News:

1. Government launches mid-day snooze scheme for public offices
2. Catholic Church launches special condoms for special use
3. Idea faces criticism from other mobile operators over saving toilet paper
4. “Work from Toilet” scheme mooted for people with stomach problems
5. Supreme Court asks government to distribute rotting bureaucrats among startups

Kylie and Akshay had danced together in the song Chiggy-Wiggy

“The producer was audacious enough to say I was not sexy enough in the song to attract Indian viewers. What the hell! I was doing just fine in the song when this guy called Akki jumped in and started all arbit dance steps. I tell you, a fat Aussie under the effect of beer can dance better. How do you expect me to look sexy in such situation?” Kylie wondered and alleged that she is being made a scapegoat for being white.

ARWWB members point out that while movie and television producers, and even the IPL managers, have profited by showing white women, now they are beginning to discriminate them to favor of Asians and women from other brown countries. They cited the examples of Lankan beauty Jacqueline Fernandes being cast in Bollywood movie Aladin while Brazilian model Giselle Monteiro getting a chance in Love Aaj Kal.

According to Cheryl Greene, the spokeswoman of the ARWWB, the trouble started last year itself when Yash Raj Films started the practice of reverse discrimination by hiring only black and brown women for its major song and dance sequences. ARWWB has even moved a petition in the High Court against the Yash Raj Films.

“This entire process started with the movie Tashan. Some of our members decided to not dance in the background of the song ‘white white face’ as they had apprehensions about the message it would send to lecherous Indians who had already made the life miserable for white faced cheerleaders during the IPL. Yash Raj then played the diversity card and started hiring black and other Indian women, who agreed to dance for much lesser prices.” Cheryl informed.

A copy of the lawsuit which we acquired through our sources in the High Court also revealed that the Association was against Yash Raj Films setting all their plots in the United States instead of India. Rhonda Williams a member of the Association, who had shown her cleavage in many Bollywood movies, said “How can Yash Raj Films be so insensitive? By not giving us work and shooting abroad, they are kicking us where it hurts the most – and that is our stomach.” Rhoda clarified.

A senior production assistant in Yash Raj Studio, speaking on the conditions of anonymity, rubbished the allegations. “True, we have had some movies shot in the USA, like New York, where we had to employ Indians, but only if you consider Katrina Kaif as an Indian. Furthermore, some movies like Dil Bole Hadippa had no scope for white women as they would have overshadowed Rani Mukherjee. But look at how much work we gave them in a single movie like Chak De India.”

But some feel that the white women need not worry. A camera assistant, who worked in the movie Tashan said, “There is nothing to worry about as far as these white women are concerned. Everyone knows Indians love white meat. Why do you think chicken or fish sells more than goat? And besides, it was us behind the camera who wanted black women in Tashan, so that Kareena’s so-called size zero figure could actually look like one when contrasted with the background.”

The first hearing in this case shall commence next week as the case would be overseen by a fast-track court given its national importance.

Possibly Related News:

1. Now 3 Idiots team accused of promoting farting in public
2. Gmail accounts of women accessed by anti-reservation lobby
3. White House clarifies that President Obama is not a lesbian
4. White dove, the symbol of peace, introduced in Angry Birds
5. New “fairness” cream offers instant sunburn to feel like those white guys in sun