Faking News » Guest Patrakar

Subcontinent teams agree to play cricket as “East Indies”

Guest Patrakar — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 02:40:08 +0000

Mumbai. Keeping in mind the absurd performance by their respective teams, cricket officials from India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, and Bangladesh have decided upon having one team from the sub-continent going by the name “East Indies”. The team will consist of the best players from all the four nations, to give the Ausssies and the Proteas and the English a run for their money in the test-matches.

This path-breaking step was initiated by the Indian officials in the BCCI after they realized that the country’s population was way too less to produce 11 world beaters, sources tell Faking News.

After a lot of research it was also deduced that the main reason for Australia’s dominance has been the country’s large geographical area, which brings in players with varied abilities. Hence the four countries decided to unite to compete.

Teams could have played as Asia XI too; however they agreed to form East Indies with the subcontinent teams to keep out Afghanistan, who were thought to be not of any use in cricket.

The step is not bizarre as sovereign nations in the Caribbean islands have been playing cricket under the name West Indies. Game administrators from the four countries believe that East Indies will be able to recreate the magic that once West Indies wielded.

According to the agreement, Pakistan has offered a bunch of bowlers who can bowl real fast without guaranteeing their accuracy. Sri Lanka has offered utility players – fielders who can bat as well (and also bowl spin as everyone there can).

India said they are hoping to provide quality batsmen who will not let them down in home matches. India has also offered The God, but only if he was guaranteed a permanent place in the team till he scored his hundredth hundred.

Bangladesh on the other hand refused to make any promises they cannot keep.

The historic decision had to be made in view of the terrible performance and other reasons plaguing the four teams in recent times. India are being white-washed wherever they go, Sri Lanka have taken the mercurial tag from Pakistan with more troughs than crests (43 LOL!!!).

On being asked the Pakistanis said that they agreed to the idea of one team because they would at least have some home matches, where their cricketing heroes can take care of their averages. Bangladesh did not have to specify any reasons as the reporters took them for granted.

Meanwhile the reactions coming from all the fans of the concerned countries (except Bangladesh) have been encouraging for the officials to go ahead with this decision. There is slight resentment among the Bangladeshi fans related to the first clause in the agreement, which says that the team East Indies would consist of the “best” players among all the four countries.

People in Dhaka have been spotted with placards asking for 27% reservation in the team for the less privileged Bangladeshi players.

Whether or not this step will be successful remains to be seen, but it surely proves the foresightedness and decision making abilities of the people from the sub-continent who run this wonderful gentleman’s game of glorious uncertainties.

(reported by Sourabh Verma)

NRI uncles back in demand as Dollar reaches record levels

Guest Patrakar — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 11:35:38 +0000

New Delhi. The Indian Rupee reached a record low of Rs 53.75 to a US Dollar today, continuing an unprecedented run over the past few weeks. While the markets welcomed the volatility and Gujarati traders made crores on trading bets, there has been another welcome side-effect of this sudden fall in the Rupee’s value.

The NRIs are suddenly back in demand, now that their dollars translate to more rupees. From relatives to luxury brands, everybody wants a slice of the NRI action. N Srinivas Reddy wrote in to Faking News from Seattle, where he works for Microsoft:

The new rupee symbol was supposed to give it strength

“It is unbelievable. The last time I went to India I carried a pack of Ferrero Rocher chocolates. When my cousins saw the box, they merely rolled their eyes and offered me the tastier, imported Toblerone chocolates they had bought from the grocery shop down the street. I cried myself to sleep that night and didn’t go to India for the last five years. Today I got a call from my sister who was asking when I am coming next. She even added coyly, ‘don’t forget those yummy chocolates.’ I feel so special! This time I’ll carry Godiva.”

Shopkeepers and beggars in Delhi’s Janpath market too have changed their strategy with US Dollar getting dearer. Not only are they luring the easily identifiable NRIs (wearing expensive shades, a bottle of mineral water in the hands, men wearing shorts, women with funny haircuts, and a horde of scruffy beggar kids chasing them around), they are now accepting dollar bills.

“Earlier they weren’t worth the trouble with cops and Western Union, but now we easily get 40 rupees for a dollar after ‘cuts’. Enough to get two Pizza McPuffs from Mc Donalds,” said Raghubeer, a beggar kid, flashing his US dollar.

Raghubeer claimed that NRIs have started giving dollars to beggars after Paris Hilton did the same earlier this year.

A security guard manning the Delhi’s T3 terminal’s arrival gates had the last word: “Over the last few weeks, all international flights are running full. They come with bags full of gifts, and return with household supplies.”

“Arbitrage”, he added knowledgably.

“You should see the warm welcomes they get these days. Paisa bolta hai saab (it’s all about the money).”

He looks away woefully, perhaps wishing he had sent his brother to work at Atlanta airport when they had the chance 6 years back.

While things do look rosy for NRIs in India, there have been reports of Indian bodyshoppers blocking salary increments for desi folks back in the US, attributing it to the strong dollar. Allegedly, some firms have been quoted as telling employees that the 14% rise in dollar value translates into a much larger pay raise than what they would get otherwise.

(written by AmreekanDesi, who blogs here)

Rahul Dravid haggles with Auto driver, misses IPL match

Jaya cancels all marriages solemnized under DMK regime

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 13:51:10 +0000

Chennai. In a shocking development, though perfectly in keeping with the trend of reversing and scrapping the schemes and decisions of the previous DMK regime, Tamil Nadu CM Jayalalithaa has announced that all the marriages that took place during the DMK rule will be “null and void”.

“Those who got married during the Karunanidhi’s rule were blind to the reality and our government has decided to give them an opportunity to mend their mistake,” an official press release said, “Those who think they were right can remarry; there will a single-window counter for such couples.”

Expectedly, the decision is being opposed by DMK, which called it draconian and undemocratic. In a response striking similar to that of his father and former CM Karunanidhi, party’s heir-apparent M K Stalin said, “Being unmarried, Jaya does not understand the sanctity and value of marriage. No one is a bigger authority on marriages than my father.”

Jayalalithaa signals end to DMK marriages

The DMK is reported to be considering moving the Chennai High Court challenging the decision. It hopes the court would declare the move “ultra vires”. Party has also asked the central government to impose President’s rule in the state.

Congress is playing it safe as the party doesn’t want to offend Jayalalithaa so soon. However, Congress leaders are trying their best to help DMK.

“There was no need for this order by the Jaya government,” Union Minister and Congress leader Kapil Sibal argued, “As per my calculations, the number of marriages held under the DMK rule is ‘zero’. There were only notional nuptial knots. There is no need to cancel any.”

Sibal hotly contested the figures released by the marriage bureau attached to the Ministry of Social Welfare and dubbed those figures as “presumptive”, and “figments of AIADMK’s imagination”.

The decision is also being opposed by lawyers, in-laws, and religious leaders, who think that Jayalalithaa is trying to intrude into their respective and reserved domains.

But some reports suggest that many men were happy and joyous after the announcement.

“I didn’t vote for Amma in the assembly elections, but this is too good!” Karthik Murali, a software engineer who got married in 2009, welcomed the decision. Kathik also canceled the order for a diamond-studded gold necklace that he had booked just a couple of hours back to please his perpetually angry wife.

While women are divided over the issue, women organizations have all opposed the move and asked Jaya to take back the order. “It’s true that we love it when women call off marriages, but this is a bit too far,” a women rights activist told Faking News.

(submitted by Subbramaniam Ramamurthy)

After Rajini and Big B, SRK offers Dravid a role in Ra.One

Guest Patrakar — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 07:49:33 +0000

Bangalore. In a surprising turn of events, cricketer Rahul Dravid has been offered a cameo in SRK’s upcoming movie Ra.One, which is being aggressively marketed across the country. Shah Rukh Khan has already roped in superstars Rajinikanth and Amitabh Bachchan for the movie and had plans to rope in master blaster Sachin Tendulkar, but chain of events led to Rahul Dravid being offered the role.

“Tendulkar refused the role citing the term ‘one’ being in the movie title,” a close aide of SRK revealed, “He is still waiting for that ‘one’ century to complete his century of centuries, and didn’t want to jinx anything by taking up any other ‘one’ before he got that ‘one’.”

Although SRK’s team initially thought of roping in cricketers like Dhoni or Bhajji, who have proved their acting skills in advertisements, they decided to ask Rahul Dravid as it would complete SRK’s marketing plan for the South Indian states.

“Already there’s some hype for the movie in the Tamil and Telugu sectors. Now taking Dravid for another cameo will spread Ra.One’s market in Kannada too,” Ra.One’s producer Gauri Khan said.

Shahrukh Khan announcing a new role for Dravid

With just a few days to go before the movie’s release date, Dravid has been asked to get into the IPL mode for his role. The stylish batsman has been offered the role of Chinni robot, which is going to fight against Chitti – The Rajini robot.

However, experts have warned that a fight between Kannada and Tamil heroes could reignite the Kaveri River water dispute – something that has excited SRK, for a political controversy had helped market his last movie “My Name Is Khan”.

But fans seem to be in no mood to create any controversy. “An action sequence that too just before the release? I am very happy that Jammy is finally being acknowledged for his slog overs batting instinct,” a fan of Dravid reacted when asked for comments.

“Hope the robo fight will turn out to be a mind blowing sequence. I’m excited to see if Rajini’s punch dialogues can drill through The Wall,” Ballebasha a fan of both Dravid and Rajini said. He is even ready to put Rs. 10,000 for the ticket.

“That’s crap; I’m not interested in creating any controversy. ‘Rahul’ has been my favorite screen name and that’s why I chose Dravid,” SRK said. When asked if he could bid for Dravid for the next edition of IPL, SRK said, “I won’t mind doing that once I start working on Ra.Two. In fact I’m looking to rope in Dada (Sourav Ganguly) too.”

Rahul Dravid is happy but a little nervous at the development. Only a few days back he had said that he was a very bad actor. “I meant that. I’m bad at acting; but let’s see how this goes,” Dravid told Faking News.

When contacted for his comments, Ganguly said, “I am a very bad politician.”

(submitted by Keshavcharan Vedanabhatla)

India to be renamed “Inddia” for bringing good luck to the nation

Guest Patrakar — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 13:28:38 +0000

New Delhi. After weeks of bickering, ruling Congress and opposition BJP have come together and announced a step that they believe would make things better for aam aadmi. Both the parties have decided to pass a resolution in the Parliament and change the country’s name from “India” to “Inddia”, based on numerological advice. The new name is expected to bring a new boost to the economy, and help get rid of the bad spirits that have been troubling the country.

“Petrol prices, interest rates, scams, terrorism, earthquakes, Indian cricket team’s performance, or Poonam Pandey – This changed name will deal with anything that has been troubling the citizens of the nation,” a joint statement released by Congress and BJP read.

Sources say that the idea was proposed by BJP’s astrological cell, which was immediately accepted by Congress core committee as the ruling party didn’t know any other way to deal with myriad of problems plaguing the nation.

Experts point out numerous successful name changes such as that of Tusshar Kapoor, who is now all set to kiss Vidya Balan on screen.

Various name changes for India were considered, and “Inddia” was found to have the most auspicious value of 5. This value is a firm driver for growth and peace. Chandragupt, the inspiring leader who led India to its golden age in medieval times had the same value.

“We needed to get the numbers right,” a BJP leader told Faking News, “The numerological value of ‘India’ is 1, which is not proving to be very auspicious. Incidentally, 26/11 comes to the same number, and so does ‘Taj Hotel’, where the worst carnage in recent times took place in 2008. Even ‘Manmohan Singh’ has the same numeric value.”

The BJP is hopeful that the name change will rid the country of negative energies, end the scourge of terror forever, boost exports, and take us into a lasting period of peace and prosperity.

When asked why it didn’t go for “Bharat”, which also has a numeric value of 5, BJP said that it will change the name of the country again if voted to power of its own.

“We came up with this number so that Congress could agree to the proposal,” the BJP leader claimed.

“Numeric value of ‘Rahul’ is 6, while that of ‘Sonia’ is 4, so we thought that 5 is something we should settle for,” a Congress source revealed the reason why Congress agreed to the BJP proposal, “Also, it is the number of future; numeric value of ‘Priyanka’ is 5!”

(author AmreekanDesi blogs here. The numeric values of names quoted in the report above are actually correct and not fake! Those interested can cross check them by substituting 1 for A, 2 for B, 3 for C… 25 for Y, 26 for Z, and then adding them up. A grand sum of say 149 will amount to 1+ 4+9=14=1+4=5 thus giving 5 as the numeric value for that name)

Engineers surviving only on chai-sutta inspire study for a new fuel

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 07:57:22 +0000

Chennai. In an exciting development, a group of IIT Madras PhD students have been given permission to study the possibility of a revolutionary fuel. The fuel being talked about here is a mixture of tobacco and tea, which has helped hundreds of engineering students survive on the campus without any apparent intake of regular meals. The fuel, if successfully developed, will solve India’s energy problems by the year 2020.

The head of the group that will be leading this path-breaking research, Mr. Aurobitto Randomchatterjee recollects from his memory, “I remember two of us were sitting outside the Gopal tea stall near the Krishna Gate at 4 in the morning, when the idea was born. We realized that many students in the campus have been functioning very well living on tea and suttas (sic). We wondered if that was the secret of their energy.”

The evergreen fuel on engineering campuses

His companion, Sathieeshh Sutputanathan continues, “Especially, after the introduction of A-Diet Express as the lone caterer in the mess, most people have spent days solely on tea and suttas, and have still been doing very well in their academics and research. In fact, most of the surveyed students have mentioned an increased performance. So, we decided to propose this research topic and the IC&SR (Insti Chai & Sutta Ration) replied to us within a week saying they had even found a sponsor!”

The research group revealed that ITC (Indian Tobacco Company) has already pledged a million dollars to IIT Madras for this research. While it may appear as corporate support to academic research, sources confirm that ITC is looking to boost up their profits through this mean.

“If the proposed fuel gets commercialized, ITC can additionally charge every student walking on the road for being a fuel-powered vehicle apart from tobacco-smoking mortal; the money thus collected is expected to break their current record for cigarette sales,” a member of the research group revealed, “In fact, ITC even considering opening ‘fuel pumps’ like the current petrol pumps to sell the fuel powered by tobacco and tea.”

One of the prominent procurers of cigarettes for the group says that going was not so easy, “It was very difficult convincing the committee on our proposal. But we had done our homework this time. We showed them how the trends of the price hikes of common fuels such as Petrol, Diesel and LPG matched with those of popular cigarette brands. We also showed them data on the efficiency of tea and sutta consumers over time compared to the data from when they ate mess food.”

The news of the proposed research has taken the at IIT Madras campus by storm. Students from the departments of Civil Engineering, Naval Architecture, and Engineering Design have applied to join the researching group. When asked what their motivation behind joining such an ambitious project was, over 99.99% responded saying they had nothing better to do.

The research work will officially begin from next Monday and if the fuel is successfully developed, India could become the leading energy exporter by 2020. This has given rise to fears that the government could soon take over the research project from ITC and nationalize the chai-sutta fuel, licenses for which could be auctioned later like the 2G spectrum.

(adapted version of a report written by Abhishek Vyas and originally published on the Faking News Facebook page of IIT Madras)

Speak Asia proposes free membership for Tihar jail inmates

Guest Patrakar — Sat, 28 May 2011 08:38:16 +0000

New Delhi. In a recent development, Tihar Jail Prisoner Welfare Committee has received an email request from Speak Asia Online Private Limited for encouraging prisoners to sign up for Speak Asia Online Surveys. The mail carries an interesting proposal where scam tainted leaders lodged in Tihar would be given free primary membership.

The leaders will then encourage fellow prisoners inside and followers outside to sign up for the surveys, thus improving their own chances of earning huge commissions.

The sender of the email, who signed off the email as “Main Bhi Ek Speak Asian Hoon”, claimed that he had statistical analysis derived from international surveys to prove that Indian politicians were the most qualified to manage and operate commission schemes. The email was replete with MBA jargon like synergy, core competencies, low hanging fruit, quick win etc. aimed at creating a favorable impression on Tihar management.

Tihar jail authorities were reportedly impressed with the visual messages in the company ad and one of them even filled up the form for membership as soon as the email arrived.

According to sources, Tihar is considering the proposal seriously to keep the prisoners busy, since previous attempts of organizing cricket matches with elaborate strategic time-outs was met with lukewarm response as a typo had mentioned 20-20 cricket matches as 2G-2G.

Speaking to our reporter via Satellite phone, Speak Asia representative shared more details of the plan, “This is aimed at improving our image after recent news reports cast aspersions on our motive and called it a marketing ‘scam’. After tying up with reputed residents of Tihar jail, we can dismiss all such allegations as ‘conspiracy’ against us.”

Speak Asia representative declined to comment if their idea was inspired by this news report from China.

Meanwhile owing to the negative news reports about the company, an over enthusiastic member of the Jail management had informed the Delhi Police Cyber Cell and asked them to use the IP shit to find out the location of the sender of the mail. Cyber Cell head replied back with the message that internet was down and asked them to re-send the request later (sent from mobile via Blackberry).

(reported by Pratiroop Mehta)

Tamil actor Vijay to use time machine to remake unreleased movies

Guest Patrakar — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 10:11:50 +0000

Chennai. Kollywood actor Joseph Vijay Chandrasekhar, who is known to remake hit movies of other languages, especially Telugu, in Tamil, has decided to allocate a substantial part of his earnings to sponsor research program at IIT Madras to build a time machine. Vijay hopes to go to the future, watch all hit movies that are not yet released, come back to the present time, and remake them.

“I’m sick of people accusing me of making remakes,” Vijay said at a press conference, “I know H G Wells had the original one, and no, this would not be a remake. This is original research by IIT students for God’s sake!”

Vijay gestures after announcing his time machine plan

Vijay further denied that movies thus made would still be remakes.

“No one would know the original source; that’s called creativity,” Vijay argued.

The South Indian actor has a huge dedicated fan base in Tamil Nadu, but is often accused of being “unoriginal”. When Chennai Super Kings won the third season of the Indian Premier League, people attributed the success to Vijay, who is the brand ambassador of CSK: “CSK followed Vijay’s footsteps. They ‘remade’ a Telugu team’s (Deccan Chargers) performance of IPL2, and bingo!”

A couple of weeks back, a group of students who were caught copying during their exams had claimed that they were Vijay’s fans and wanted to follow his footsteps.

Irked by all this, Vijay decided to shed the tag of a “copycat” and get a time machine.

Experts believe that Vijay’s decision to get a time machine could also have been helped by the fact that Telugu actor Mahesh Babu was not doing any films recently.

“A time machine would considerably lessen his dependence on hit Telugu movies,” said an expert, “In fact, if he wants he can make original Telugu hits! Say, now he can know whether a Telengana state would actually be formed or not and can make a big hit on that subject.”

“And of course, he can remake Rajinikanth movies too. I’m sure thalaivar would still be producing superhits ten years down the line,” the expert pointed out.

Vijay is reported to be upbeat after his latest release Kaavalan, incidentally a remake again, proved to be a commercial success, ending his strings of flops.

“I took my girlfriend to see Kaavalan,” Karthik, a movie goer said, “I thought we’d get a lot of privacy as no one else will be there. But wow, things were different this time.”

Buoyed by this hit, Vijay not only decided to sponsor a time machine research, but also announced his political ambitions, “I am planning to start a political party once I’m 40.”

But it seems his old image is not yet leaving him. Political pundits have already declared his political ambitions as being a “remake” of Chiranjeevi’s Praja Rajyam.

“He should call his party RMK – Remake Munnettra Kazhagam,” said a critic.

(submitted by ‘KJ’)

TCS to hire through IPL style auctions, quote lowest to get job

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 10:26:24 +0000

Hyderabad. IT major TCS (Tata Consultancy Services) plans to hire 37,000 professionals for its domestic and overseas markets through campus auctions in the next fiscal. But the auctions will not have TCS bidding for bright freshers, but the freshers bidding for dull jobs. Each round of bidding will see 50 freshers coming together, and whoever quotes the lowest salary demand will get a job contract from TCS.

“It is a mammoth effort to go all over the country and conduct complex processes to hire freshers who would anyways be kept on the benches. What is the use of conducting irrelevant GDs and PIs to hire future-benchers? Hence we have taken inspiration from the recently concluded IPL auctions and will be conducting auctions in many campuses of India to hire freshers,” confirmed the recruitment head of TCS.

A possible scenario of professional “franchises” gathered to bid for software jobs

The base prices of the freshers have been set as per their overall percentage or CGPA across the four years of education. Higher percentage commands a higher base price and then it’s a game of who goes the lowest for the “lucrative” offer.

“We expect tough competition in most of the engineering colleges since four years of hardship anyways squeezes out the self-esteem of most of the freshers. Hence we can expect the freshers to go head on against their classmates to see who can lower the bar the most,” said the TCS recruitment head.

The process has come in for acclaim from the other IT companies. The recruitment head of Infosys candidly admitted, “Freshers are like beasts of burden in the IT world. They do all the grunt work which is anyways defined by our processes. Hence this idea makes perfect sense since we can now get enthusiastic IT donkeys who will work their asses off at economical costs for us.”

The news has attracted mixed response from the freshers though. Many final year B.Tech students are already using linear programming methods to find the minimum amount they need to stay alive in various cities, while others have asked their parents if they could “contribute” a little.

“I’m looking forward to the auctions and am hopeful of being picked,” said a fresher on conditions of anonymity, “but I just wish they also have cheerleaders once we join the benches; people like me would need it as being in IT already means marriage prospects taking a hit.”

(reported by mithunfan)

The Lost Symbol: telecom companies making an ass out of us?

Guest Patrakar — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 10:25:10 +0000

After a reader of Faking News pointed out the possible “inspiration” behind Airtel’s new logo, our investigative journalism team decided to dig further into the issue. After a month long investigation, our team has concluded that there was more to it than what meets our eyes. There clearly seems a hidden message in all the logos that appear inspired from the posteriors of various living beings.

Are they trying to make an ass of every one of us? Take a look yourself:

The source of Airtel's logo is no longer a secret

DoCoMo website showed sea as background when it was launched, now they have changed it to hide the source of their logo?

Reliance always aims for “high” values

Instead of ZooZoos and Pugs, why doesn’t Vodafone reveal their real brand ambassador?

(submitted through email by SN)

BCCI to appoint non-playing captain for winning “tosses”

Guest Patrakar — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 09:40:51 +0000

Mumbai. BCCI sources suggest that MS Dhoni could be sacked as the Indian cricket captain for his impeccable inability to win tosses in test matches where weather and pitch conditions proved to be crucial in the first session. Board is in talks with the ICC to allow a “non-playing” captain for the Indian cricket team exclusively for taking part in tosses.

“Non-playing captains are allowed in other sports such as Tennis,” BCCI President Shashank Manohar said, who further informed that recruitment for such a non-playing captain would be well advertised once the “deal” with ICC was closed.

“Dhoni would continue to play for the team,” the BCCI President added and clarified, which meant that the current Indian captain might not have much to lose as a result.

A file photo when India won a toss in an international cricket match under the captaincy of MS Dhoni

In fact, sources suggest that Dhoni’s market value has gone up. There are rumors that FIFA has already contacted Dhoni and asked him to predict winners of matches for the 2014 world cup in absence of Paul the Octopus. FIFA would officially announce the opposite of what Dhoni picks as part of his predictions.

Pepsi, for which Dhoni works as brand ambassador, too is reported to be working on a new television advertisement copy: “Dhoni goes to a shop. He sees Pepsi and Coke. He chooses Coke. Tagline – YEH NAHI HAI RIGHT CHOICE BABY! HAARA!”

Not just sports and business, Dhoni’s inability to win tosses has pushed universities from all over India into contacting publishers of Mathematics books on “probability” with some corrections:

Q: What is the probability of success in a coin toss experiment?
A: 0.5*
*if the experiment does not involve Dhoni

Amitabh Bachchan posted in his blog – “Give him the coin from Sholay. I hope he will be able to win tosses with it”. Meanwhile, Dhoni’s wife Sakshi is quite ecstatic about giving birth to a baby girl in a few months as her husband guessed it to be a baby boy when she asked him.

ICC officials have not yet confirmed receipt of any request from the BCCI but experts believe that BCCI could get away with this one as ICC President, Sharad Pawar, is an Indian.

“Plus he is also a non-playing captain of a kind,” an expert pointed out, “he is the Agriculture Minister of India, when did you see him play that role?”

(submitted by KJ)

Suhel Seth goes for a shocking makeover – will remain cool on TV

Guest Patrakar — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 10:20:55 +0000

Mumbai. Constant critic of everything under the sun except his thick locks of salt and pepper hair, Mr. Suhel Seth has finally decided to go for an image makeover. He announced in a massive eight-way debate on Times Now channel last night that he was about to change his approach – from a hyper, sullen, pessimistic and outraged tone he would now move onto something more positive, constructive and smiling.

Suhel Seth criticizing something on television

A shocked anchor Mr Arnab Goswami grilled Suhel Seth for half an hour to force him to reveal what were on his mind actually. The debate on “Should Arundhati Roy be electrocuted for her anti-India speech?” took a sudden turn as everyone started pleasantly quizzing Suhel Seth.

He, however, refused to divulge more, giving instead only his sample of what we can expect in days to come:

Instead of “What’s the political class doing to this goddam nation (chew chew) -eating it alive (pant pant)?”
he will now say, “We must request our politicians to serve us better.”

Instead of “For 60eee years, like idiots, we have been mute spectators to the loot and rape of this nation (sigh sigh)!”
he will now offer a saintly, “Our glorious history of 6 decades deserves due accolades.”

Instead of “The Hindu fundamentalists deserve to be ostracized and hung on the streets of India (grrr grrr)!”
he will now pray, “Our Hindus have a point that’s well taken, and needs a debate.”

And instead of a high-decibel and fast-pitched “Notttthing ever comes out of these JPC reports!”
he would offer a dovish, “Our parliament is our national temple, to be revered and loved!”

Post his announcement, Hindu groups reveled on the streets in many cities, as they thought that one of the biggest hurdles in the construction of the Ram Mandir was gone. Simultaneously, various pressure groups, lobbyists, school principals, Advertising professionals, politicians, housemaids, housewives, models, Bollywood stars, drivers, chaiwallahs and cheating-husbands also celebrated with gay abandon this new found freedom from Suhel Seth’s massively intellectual attacks that would generally leave reputations tattered like a venomous cobra snake that’s defanged substantially after a vicious mongoose attack.

Mr. Suhel Seth, in private conversation with a media personality, shared that this new approach owed its origin to Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s exhortation that only through peace, love and introspection can the deep problems of humanity – like the poorly functioning Symbian OS etc. – can be solved. He was deeply touched, he says, by this sage’s suggestions.

Suhel also promised that he would now appear on as many TV debates as he has till date, to make up for the damage he has done so far in this lifetime. In case he fails to settle the score, he promised he will be reborn as Arnab Goswami to quickly cover the balance, even as he conceded that Barkha Dutt too was not a bad choice if the gods didn’t screw up on the sex-change part.

[submitted by Inane Stupidities Amplified (I S Amplified)]

India Today plagiarizes Playboy magazine’s center-spread

Guest Patrakar — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 14:30:38 +0000

New Delhi. In an unprecedented event in the history of unethical practices of the Indian media, India Today, the weekly news magazine, has copied entire pages of Playboy magazine and published them as its own. The plagiarized pages, which include the center spread, display various post-surgery Caucasian women raunchily posing in their birthday suits, and belong to a 2009 issue of Playboy, the largest selling porn magazine in the world. The publication of these pages in India has led to a bizarre turn of events.

In the capital, a sex-crazed blood-thirsty mob of men has been out on a rampage. They have been eyeing every woman on the road lecherously and gruffly muttering “Kitna legi” (“State your price”). It is not clear whether this activity is borne out of sexual repression or its opposite. The men vary from ages 13 to 85, the lone 85 year old in the mob being ND Tiwari.

The issue of Playboy magazine that was plagiarized

Some of these excited men have also been carrying placards advertising their organization ‘Society for Protection of Ejaculatory Rights of Men’ (SPERM). The only quotes this reporter could get from these zombie-like creatures (before escaping for her life) were “Bad Mannn”, and gibberish like “Zugga zugga” and “Aaooo”, reminiscent of certain rapist Bollywood idols.

It is advised that women stay away from this mob. However, Delhi women have noted that they are used to seeing such horrifying sex-crazed ghouls on the streets all the time anyway.

Unconfirmed reports add that earlier in the day Baba Ramdev had claimed that he could cure the depraved minds of these lunatics through the yogic practice of Pranayam. But when he realized that the naked images were of women and this wasn’t about homosexuality, and therefore, was neither depraved nor lunatic, he gave his blessings to the mob and bought his own copy of India Today.

The fact is that Playboy (or its reproduction) is banned in India. However the police have taken no action so far. A group of Delhi Police constables, when approached by this reporter, responded that they were too busy sorting out “real issues”. The group of said constables were all poring over a copy of the same India Today issue, and were heard loudly discussing, “Je Chhori manney achhi laagi se” (“I like this chick”), after which they started fighting over which model was the hottest.

These shameful shenanigans were brought to an end when their boss, the Additional Commissioner of Police (ACP) of their zone ordered the magazine be brought to him so that the crazed constables wouldn’t commit fratricide. Sources reveal that the ACP took the magazine to the toilet to peruse, as many people are wont to do, but did not emerge out of the toilet the entire day. At the time of going to press, it had been 42 hours and the ACP had still not come out of his toilet.

Reliable sources add that Ajmal Kasab has also demanded a copy of this India Today issue, reportedly to ward off ennui in his jail cell.

"Relax. Everyone will get a copy of Playboy, err... India Today."

Preserver of Hindu culture and Marathi pride, the Shiv Sena in Mumbai has not protested against India Today. The Sainiks, who want a ban on burqas, were reportedly enjoying the pictures of bare naked ladies. They said that they didn’t have an issue with the issue because there was no disrespect towards Hindu goddesses, American sex-goddesses be damned. They also defended themselves by stating, with a sudden respect for actual historical facts, that Kamasutra had always been a part of Indian culture. Certainly the centre-spread could not do as much irretrievable damage to impressionable young minds as a Booker prize nominated work of fiction like Rohinton Mistry’s Such a Long Journey could.

In Bangalore, Sri Ram Sene members, who had vowed to purify Indian culture of debauched elements like women who went to pubs, Muslims, Valentine’s Day, science and modern education, came out in public, happily wearing frilly, lacy pink panties and carrying issues of the latest India Today. It is not clear why they were celebrating pictures of naked women. When we posed this question to their chief, Mr. Pramod Muthalik, he paused for a moment and only said, “Hm…Am a Proud Klit”, which as we understand, is an anagram of his own name. It is to be seen if, with this heartfelt description of his own true self as a female sexual organ, he will finally receive the attention he has been trying to get all these years.

To be fair to right-wingers, one right-wing crowd did gather to protest outside India Today’s office yesterday. The crowd was identified as the same one which protested outside, and vandalized Arundhati Roy’s house, except that this time their request for a TV camera crew to accompany them was denied by media houses.

"The nation wants to know if anyone sees any irony in this picture."

In fact, what has remained most shocking is the mainstream Indian media’s staunch refusal to report India Today’s sensational act of plagiarism. Perhaps this can be explained by the Indian media’s propensity to act like the American military. One example of this would be the tendency to bombard and decimate those who don’t agree with them, while another, more relevant example here, would be the policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. In simple words it amounts to “Keep your moral transgressions (also known in some circles as homosexuality) to yourself, biatches. Addendum: And don’t touch us when it’s our turn.” In fact, the man who steadfastly refuses to keep quiet, the champion of the decibels, Arnab Goswami, has been so quiet over this whole issue that some people have been wondering if they have gone deaf.

When last viewed, some Indian News channels sounded something like this:

Arnab Goswami on Times Now: “TONIGHT THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW WHETHER MR. KALMADI USED THE RS. 3,757/- TOILET PAPER FOR HIS OWN PRIVATE TOILET USE OR NOT! THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!”
Sagarika Ghosh on CNN-IBN: “Is it fair to slot complex and ambivalent issues into rigid Black or White categories? Reply ‘QOTD-YES’ or ‘QOTD-NO’ from your mobile phones.”
Any Headlines Today anchor: “Welcome to the 9 O’clock news. We bring to you the BJP and Congress spokespersons Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad and Ms. Jayanti Natarajan LIVE in our studio…”
Any NDTV anchor: “Welcome to the 9 O’clock news. We bring to you the BJP and Congress spokespersons Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad and Ms. Jayanti Natarajan LIVE in our studio…”

Note: What you read above is not a blooper. It is well known that India is the land of mysterious apparitions, transmigration of souls, and the unique ability of certain individuals (especially the highly screechy ones) to be present in two different places (like TV Studios) at the same time. Oh, magic! Oh, “LIVE” TV! Oh, sue-worthy practice of SIM-SAT!

Any Hindi ‘news’ channel: “Sansanikhez Khulaasa (Sensational revelation)! A new extra-terrestrial landing in Nangloi and its astrological impact on your fate, as well as on the fate of characters in your favorite TV serials!”
Any News X anchor: “Zzzzzzzz….zzzz….zzzz…zzzz….zzzz….”

Print publications did not utter a word about India Today’s plagiarism either, although sources reveal that the Times of India (TOI), being the Times of India, was wondering if they themselves could plagiarize the centre-spread from India Today. However, on being reminded that India Today and Playboy were not blogs run by ordinary citizens who couldn’t fight their lone, hapless battles against media behemoths like itself, and were in fact, magazines which might just sue, the TOI reportedly desisted from plagiarizing this time.

Newspapers like Mid-day, Bombay Times and every other city supplement, where all pages are mysteriously numbered ‘Page 3’, also joined the race to not report India Today’s pornanigans, as their daily news content was anyway quite similar to the Playboy centre-spread.

On a different note, women’s groups (to which this reporter also belongs) have protested that such porn was the result of the growing trend of increasingly aggrandized objectification and commodification of women’s bodies for nefarious mercantile purposes which victimized women and also led to absorption of such commodifying culture in turn leading to women’s internalization of one’s own victimization. But nobody understood what they said.

It isn’t surprising that the plagiarized India Today issue has completely sold out. However, in this abysmal state of affairs, you, the reader should not lose heart. According to reliable sources, the issue is being reprinted in light of unprecedented sales, so you too can have your copy.

And finally, attempts to get a comment from the India Today editor or a representative have failed. However, its chief editor has reportedly sent a heartfelt apology to the editor of Playboy magazine, an excerpt of which is reproduced here: “The tiger had sex with a tornado and it was wild, raw, kinky sex, Oh yeah, with whips and spiky thongs… Yes, that feels gooood… With the resultant tiger-nado baby… and OH GOD! YES! OH GOD! YES! OH MY GOD! … I would like to apologize as it was all the result of jet-shag.”

(The writer tweets here)

Bangladesh to rest entire team for 5th ODI against minnows New Zealand

Guest Patrakar — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 08:10:41 +0000

Dhaka, Bangladesh. In an action packed press conference at the end of the fourth ODI at Mirpur, Bangladesh captain Shakib-al-Hasan announced that the entire Bangladesh team would be rested for the 5th and final ODI against New Zealand. Bangladesh has already won the 5 match series by winning three out of the four games played till now with one match abandoned due to rains.

“We have lots of important cricket coming up. There is the Kai Altech Premier T20 league and ACC matches against Malaysia and Kenya. Given the amount of cricket the boys have been playing, we want to protect them from injury and keep them fresh for these important engagements,” Bangladeshi captain said.

“Also, with all due respect to Dan and his boys, it is really hard to keep yourself motivated against a mediocre opposition. Keeping all this mind, we have decided to rest the main Bangladesh team for the final game. We do recognize our commitments to Cricket New Zealand and will ensure that they get a great game of cricket. West Bangladesh will be playing instead of our first eleven in the final ODI at Dhaka,” Shakib-al-Hasan informed as people googled frantically for “West Bangladesh”.

After winning the ODI series convincingly, Bangladeshi cricketers suddenly realized that they had enough of it already

Given the complex geo-political history of the region, it is not entirely clear what “West Bangladesh” refers to. At the time this report was filed, at least 4 different teams had claimed responsibility for being the aforesaid West Bangladesh team – the West Bengal Ranji team, Kolakata Knight Riders of the IPL, Pakistan national team, and Afghanistan national team – all had promptly issued press releases or tweeted confirmations that they were West Bangladesh.

“Ideal match practice before tough Ranji season,” Laxmi Ratan Shukla, West Bengal Ranji captain said, becoming the first one to lay claim over West Bangladeshdom.

“Still trying to convince Cricket NZ to pay us $200,000 so that McCullum can play for them,” tweeted @iamsrk i.e. Shah Rukh Khan, owner of the KKR team, which was replied to and retweeted by many, including a certain @shreerammadras who tagged every other celebrity in his replies to @iamsrk.

“RT @shreerammadras: OMG IPL team to finally play international cricket. @LalitKModi you are vindicated. N Srini is a moron,” was retweeted by Lalit Modi, the suspended IPL commissioner and a voracious retweeterer.

“Finally cricket will take place in Pakistan (Bangladesh was earlier East Pakistan). This is a big moment for Pakistan,” Shahid Afridi, captain of Pakistani cricket team said, further adding a caveat that if their team loses the final ODI against New Zealand, “law of averages” should be blamed instead of any “match-fixing”.

“We have been asking for test playing nations to play against Afghanistan for a while, but we were really hoping for someone better than New Zealand,” Hamid Hasan, Afghanistan paceman said, who claimed he had “mixed reactions” over the news, though his team-mates expressed enthusiasm.

“I am really looking forward to the game. I am the only player who plays for 3 of the 4 contending West Bangladesh teams. I can lay a claim to Pakistan, KKR and given the nebulous northwestern boundaries, Afghanistan,” said Mohammed Irfan, tallest cricketer with a confused sense of identity that characterizes cricket today.

In an unrelated confusion during the press conference, the question “How does it feel to be the best batsman, left-arm spin bowler, and only international caliber player in the team that you also happen to captain?” was simultaneously answered by both Shakib-al-Hasan and Daniel Vettori.

(written by Sriram Subramanian)

Obama mentions “India” in “Name, Place, Animal, Thing”

Guest Patrakar — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 07:10:31 +0000

Washington, DC. In another exciting development for India, President Obama has named India as a place in Name, Place, Animal, Thing.

“We picked the letter ‘I’ for the 5th time and after Iraq, Indonesia, Italy and Idaho falls, daddy wrote India as a place in the 5th turn,” said daughter Malia Obama after frantically being quizzed by Indian reporters trying to make a story every time the US president mentioned India.

“Yes, that’s right. We were playing Name, Place, Animal, Thing,” said younger daughter Sasha saying nothing that added any value to the situation, but thereby giving reporters another priceless quote to fill up valuable newsprint.

File photo: President Obama (probably) thinks of India

“I didn’t do very good. I don’t know so many places,” she said, giving another paragraph or possibly a full-sized feature on the poor state of America’s education system.

For creating the headline, the reporters used their usual tactic – the loaded question. “India is a democracy with over one billion people,” Barack Obama said in response to the question, “India is a democracy with over how many billion people?”

The mundane quotes will also be spiced up by pointless analyses such as why India was only the second Asian place that came to Obama’s mind and whether the president really hates Indiana. It will also be discussed if Indonesia is more important than India in the developing world and what India can do to grow faster economically.

Michelle Obama meanwhile, in spite of desperate goading by reporters did not accept that the saari was her favorite outfit and refused to comment on whether daal tarka was better than chicken tandoori.

(written by Rohan D’Sa after being inspired by this insightful report)

Japan decides to shut down its secret Rajini Robot project

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 10:50:33 +0000

Tokyo, Japan. The Government of Japan has finally woken up to reality and decided to shelve the two-decade long robo-project codenamed “Thalaiva 2.0” initiated to replicate Rajinikanth in the form of a robot. The project involved some of Japan’s top minds from their top tech companies and so far had cost the Japanese an amount ten times more than the round underground thingamajig built in Switzerland, pushing the Japanese economy into a decade long economic tailspin.

Admitting defeat, the head scientist Hidenseeki Icandonomuru said, “It would have been totally badass if we could pull off another Rajini saaar; I mean think about it! The possibilities are mindboggling in various spheres of life. For instance, in sports, the robo could have coached people to play volleyball like it in Baba or even imagine the revolution it could have caused in the art of cigaret… err… bubble gum popping.”

Even though Japan has conceded defeat, some companies in China claim that they can make Rajini robot once 'Endhiran' is released.

Hidenseeki changed his last word, apparently fearful of the possibility that he could be targeted by activists of the Japanese arm of the PMK.

Further expressing grief over the loss to the scientific community due to the abortion of this grand project, Hidenseeki said, “It would have been enlightening and more fun watching the Rajini robo go around fascinating trajectories than watching atoms go around in boring circles in our laboratories. However after various years of trying, it dawned upon us that Rajini saaar doesn’t operate within the laws of this world.”

“His way is a different way. And though our tech is cutting edge, it not as cutting edge as Rajini saaar.” he added, probably referring to the technology, which allows Rajinikanth to cut a bullet into two to simultaneously dispose of two goons.

But Hidenseeki Icandonomuru added with glee that while pursuing the project, the scientific community of Japan could watch all the movies of Rajinikanth for free and hoped that the exposure and experience would come handy to them for future projects.

“In fact, we are planning a Madame Tussauds like museum in Tokyo with robots of celebrities, especially Bollywood starts. We have figured out that we virtually have to do nothing but to give the listless machines some cosmetic appearance. Robots automatically start acting like them afterwards.” Hidenseeki informed.

The announcement by Japan comes at a time when Rajinikanth is ready with the release of a movie called Endhiran in Tamil and Robot in Hindi, where he plays a scientist as well as a robot.

“Thalaivar can play robot, but a robot can’t play thalaivar!” concluded Karthik, an excited Rajini fan.

(report by Geela, a fraud Tamil)

Obama solves Palestine problem, to move it to outer space

Guest Patrakar — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 07:35:55 +0000

Washington, DC, USA. In a surprising development late last evening, President Barack Obama (of the USA in North America), emerged from a 22 hours marathon meeting with representatives of NASA, CIA, FBI, Mossad, CBI, the BSP, Al Qaeda and the states of Israel and Palestine, to make a landmark announcement. He sounded optimistic, although desultory and shaky due to sheer fatigue despite consuming 43 cups of Starbucks discounted coffee with Dunkin diabetic donuts, while releasing his official press note.

Surrounded by all these representatives all of whom were equally shaky out of sheer fatigue, he said, and we quote. “The USA has realized that the tremendous efforts, time and resources invested over past 3 decades into solving the shitty Israel-Palestine problem have turned to precisely that – shit. There is more and more of that being generated with every passing week. Even Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s efforts to clean up the mess are leaving more of it (blush). Hence, in a multinational operation of unprecedented magnitude, all parties involved have decided to agree to a project in which the entire physical state of Palestine will be moved to the outer space, 33 kilometers above the surface of the Earth. This way, the problem will be solved forever.”

Obama giving thumbs up to the grand plan for global peace

To the tumultuous cheer of the media persons present in the briefing room, the President continued, “We have also realized that the Israelis actually enjoy attacking, maiming, handicapping and killing the Palestinians. It goes beyond their call of state-duty. It is a form of national sports, and is used for daily mock training of their regular troops. Since this cannot be changed, we decided to change the target itself. Now the entire state of Palestine, including the disputed settlements in the West Bank (and the Gaza strip) will be dug out till a depth of 500 m into neatly packaged chunks (with humans inside) using giant Caterpillar machines (for which contracts need to be taken out) and will be transported to outer space using giant tows tied to Saturn 22 rocket series (for which contracts need to be taken out). All these chunks will then be neatly assembled by the leading engineers from Toyota’s famous assembling units (that manufactured those brake-pedal assemblies that have led to worldwide recalls) and in a short span of just 29 years, the project should see completion.”

Upon media queries on what will happen to the people tied inside these chunks, the President replied, “They will be supplied enough food, water and sanitation facilities to last at least three decades. They can continue to enjoy their safe lives (better than what they would be back on ground anyway) and continue to reproduce inside. As soon as the assembling would be complete, they can emerge to a victorious settlement of their new found homeland. What Gods could not do, we will have done.”

To a question on possible Republican vetoing of the project later, the President accepted that it represented a tricky matter and that if the Republicans were to come to power anytime in the next 3 decades, they could reverse his administration’s call, and then the fate of the Palestinians out there would literally be hanging in the air. He offered no solution to that future emergency, denouncing critics as naysayers, and advising them to believe in the power of “we can”.

His address was transmitted live to the entire world, with an estimated 1899 TV channels beaming it live, and 11 billion humans watching it to their pleasant surprise, including some from the forlorn and forgotten islands in Micronesia, who could not hide their tears of joy. Out of sheer joy, thousands of Palestinians fired several rounds of AK-47 shots into the Israeli territory, killing hundreds of civilians who could not hold their tears of joy on this stunning development. The Israelis too returned fire out of sheer joy, and maimed an equal number of Palestinians.

[submitted by International News Correspondent Inane Stupidities Amplified (I S Amplified)]

Resignation mystery solved, Amar Singh to start second innings in Bollywood

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 16:31:59 +0000

Dubai, UAE. Even though Samajwadi Party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav has tried to downplay the resignation of Amar Singh and is hopeful of his return to the fold, Faking News has learned that the 53-year-old high profile leader has not only left Samajwadi Party, he has left politics for good and not joining any other political party. And guess what, the socialite-politician is ready to start his second innings in Bollywood.

“Yes, I am starring in the sequel to Paa, titled Paa-Do.” said a jubilant Mr. Amar Singh, ending all speculations over his future career and sequel to Paa. Candid as always, he admitted that he was pretty frustrated with his political career. “I do not think that with my failing health I can catch up with Mayawati or Madhu Koda, and I want to be second to none. Even Shibu Soren seems to be getting ahead now.” he woefully added.

Upon being quizzed further, Mr. Singh revealed that Paa-Do will be based on a story he himself penned during his illness. It will star Mr. Singh as a kid with a rare disease, but not Progeria. Singh will be suffering from fecal incontinence, which is the loss of regular control of the bowels.

Amar Singh gives a facial expression as an actor

“It’s a very challenging role, but my political career has trained me perfectly for it. I will fit to the T playing this complex character.” a visibly proud Mr. Singh said. “The movie will be a visual treat (sic.) for all the viewers, and in a way will also showcase my political achievements till date.” he further added.

Questions as to how exactly his achievements will be showcased were greeted with a sly smile, “that is for the viewers to discover after they watch the movie.” Mr Singh said. On being quizzed if any other politicians were being roped in for the movie, Mr. Singh was furious. “Isn’t one enough?” he angrily retorted.

The movie will also star Rakhi Sawant in the pivotal role of the mother of the child that doesn’t have a hold on his bowels. “I have seen Rakhi in both Rakhi ka Swayamvar and Pati, Patni aur Woh; she is phenomenal.”

A question as to whether Rakhi will also feature in an item song in the movie was however ignored by Mr. Singh. He also said that producers were still looking for an actor to play his dad’s role in the movie. “It is not an easy role, that of the child’s father. The actor will have to share screen space with both me and Rakhi, no easy feat that will be”, he added.

Upon being asked what role would the venerable Big-B play in the sequel, Mr. Singh said, “Mr Bachchan visited me many times while I was undergoing treatment in Singapore, and that’s when it struck me that in the never-seen-before role of a male nurse, Mr. Bachchan could wow audiences around the world. And that’s what he will play in Paa-do, be my nurse”.

The Bachchan family was unavailable for comments. The senior Bachchan is expected to soon blog about this exciting new development. Given the phenomenal success of Paa, one can only hope that Paa-Do isn’t merely a whiff of hot air.

(submitted through e-mail by Scribe D)

JMM announces maiden bidding process in India to sell MLAs

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:52:14 +0000

Ranchi. Jharkhand Mukti Morcha (JMM) President, Shibu Soren today announced a lucrative bidding process for the sale of newly elected JMM MLAs after conclusion of the State Assembly Elections on Wednesday. With the Congress and BJP camps both hung at 25 and 20 seats respectively, both the parties have welcomed this idea of Mr. Soren, and have hailed it as the beginning of a new era of transparency in public life.

Shibu Soren goes all hep and happy after announcing the bidding process

“Guruji have shown us the way. He’s been completely selfless and has sacrificed his personal ambitions of becoming a Chief Minister. The mandate clearly has been in favor of horse trading and we are just respecting people’s choice.” said a JMM spokesperson, justifying the bidding process.

The following are the rules of the bidding process:

Minimum bid per MLA to start at Rs 2 crore. No maximum limit.

Margin money of Rs 20 crore to be given to JMM for a minimum period of 12 months by all the bidders.

After winning the bid, money to be transferred using NEFT. JMM MLAs and MPs are sick of getting caught at the bank while doing these transactions.

Offer period begins on 25th December 2009 and offer closes on 31st December 2009. The offer will be opened again every quarter for 2 days to provide flexibility to the bidders.

Lalu Yadav, his 233 known and 27 unknown near and dear ones, any of his cattle, hens, pigs, goats and anyone remotely connected to him, are not allowed to participate in the bid.

Other details of the bid:

Bankers: Shitty Group
Auditors: Price Waterhouse Poopers
Guarantor: Madhu Koda
All the transactions are secured by VeriSecure
All Credit Cards will be accepted except AMEX. 2% service charge will be levied on Credit Card transactions
Once sold any MLA cannot be resold for at least next 90 days
Bidding process will be governed from JMM office, Ranchi only

(submitted through e-mail by Chetan)

Mayhem by models, Pakistan Fashion week kills 90 terrorists

Guest Patrakar — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:46:31 +0000

Karachi, Pakistan. News reports leaked to Maila Times indicate the recently held Pakistan Fashion Week in Karachi was responsible for killing 90 terrorists these past few weeks. Organizers of the show were pleased to learn that in addition to mesmerizing the fashion world with their haute couture, fashion shows held at the gala were also effective in fighting terrorism, one sexy catwalk at a time.

According to military spokesman Athar Abbass, Pakistan’s first ever fashion week was a huge success in the fight against terrorism. “The army, in cohorts with the nation’s top fashion designers, strategically planned the timing and logistics of the event to catch the miscreants off-guard,” said Mr. Abbas. “In addition to our surgical strikes, the pure sexyness and defiance of the fashion shows delivered an effective knock-out punch to the Taliban.” Mr. Abbas clarified that the fashion week was postponed twice not because of security concerns, but rather to better ‘coincide’ with the military’s operational plans.

In a press statement issued by the ISPR, scantily clad models, girls smoking cigarettes, fashionistas caked in make-up, and socialites looking out for Sunday Magazine photographers were the primary weapons used at the fashion week against the terrorists. “This overflow of defiance against the Taliban is a terrorist killing machine,” said arm-chair security analyst Ayesha Siddiqa.

Terrorists couldn’t survive the killer looks. This sexy pose by models reportedly killed 6 terrorists

However, it is still unclear how exactly terrorists were killed by the fashion week. Unnamed militants in South Waziristan reported that when their fellow militants heard of such defiance, they simply dropped dead. Other sources indicate that some militants were unable to ‘handle’ the extremely ‘haraam’ nature of fashion week and after looking at pictures and videos from the event, were shocked to death – literally. An anonymous militant who survived the four day event told Maila Times that it was “extremely difficult to control my breathing after seeing so many pairs of ankles, bare arms, ridiculous costumes, and attitudes that said ‘defiance’.” The militant said that he was able to survive because immediately after seeing the reports, he quickly went and held the hand of his fellow fighter.

Ayesha Tammy Haq, CEO of Pakistan Fashion Week, was pleased that the event was able to show the world that Pakistan is not just about terrorism. “This just proves that the way to fight terrorism is to shock them into submission with some skin,” said Ms. Haq. “I can’t wait for the New York Times to feature our event in their daily ‘feel-good’ story about Pakistan.”

Despite the success in killing terrorists, fashion designers and models participating in the event were disappointed that their hard work and designs were being overshadowed by the media’s coverage of the fashion week’s defiance against the Taliban. “That’s all fine and lovely, but can we please talk about my elegant ensemble of patchwork motif?” asked fashion designer Sonya Battla. Nadia Hussain, a prominent model, was also upset that instead of the media focusing on her catwalk, the media was too busy looking for a look of ‘defiance’ on her face.

Interior Minister Rehman Malik was quick to point out that the PPP and the President are supporters of the thriving fashion industry in Pakistan and that the democratically elected government by the democratic loving people of Pakistan voted for ‘sexy’.

(Originally published at Pakistani News Satire website Maila Times)

Brad Pitt claims Amitabh Bachchan as his long lost son

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:41:29 +0000

Mumbai. In a development that is set to shock Bollywood and Hollywood alike, Brad Pitt has surprisingly claimed that Big B was his long lost son. After watching promotional visuals of upcoming movie Paa, Brad claimed that Amitabh Button (the surname allegedly distorted by Indians) was his offspring – a result from his adventures on a sea-trip that he had made when he was a 15-year-old in the body of a 50-year-old.

“I had an affair with a swimmer of international fame. Our love bore a son, however I soon realized that I was getting younger with time, so I left my son under the care of his mother. The last I heard was that she was swimming across the Ganges trying to break some new world record, and while doing so she forgot our son at Allahabad, who was then raised by Indians.” said Brad, claiming that his genes were responsible for Big B’s latest looks in Paa.

Some experts see a similarity between Amitabh Bachchan (left) and Brad Pitt (right)

Brad is now out to find Big B’s alleged original mother and to have DNA tests conducted to back his claim with official evidence. This has been an emotional moment for the Brangelina couple, who have been adopting kids of all nationalities. Angelina especially is so excited that she is believed to have said that in the event of Brad failing to track the swimmer-mother, she would voluntarily adopt Amitji and make him a part of her world family.

While the claim by Brad has been shot down by many experts as being a publicity stunt, there seem to be a growing clan of people who are ready to accept Brad’s claims on on the following three counts:

The resemblance between surnames Button and Bachchan
The fact that Big B’s physical appearance is inversely proportional to his mental attributes in Paa just like Brad in Benjamin Button
The acting talent that runs in both the families

This has evoked mixed reactions in the Bachchan family. Abhishek has completely rejected the idea altogether, as he is least eager to be known as Abhishek Pitt. However, Aishwarya is already flirting with the idea of having Angelina as her grand-mom-in-law and becoming a part of Hollywood’s family number one as well. Aishwarya’s excitement was shared by Big B’s good friend and Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh, who too appeared all too excited to get the grandmotherly love of Angelina.

Big B’s wife and actress Jaya Bachchan declined to comment on the issue but journalists could extract a comment from Bollywood’s evergreen beauty Rekha, who rubbishing the Hollywood couple’s claim. Rekha reckons that it is Brad’s shameless attempt at getting listed as the sexiest grandfather alive, after having been recently dethroned as the sexiest man alive.

Amidst these mixed reactions from family members and friends, Big B himself is reeling under the effects of a complete loss of identity. The man once known for the famous dialogue “rishtey main to hum tumhaare baap lagte hain” is feeling the after effects of his own medicine. He has not yet put a blog post on the same.

Meanwhile, rumor has it that Karan Johar has already started on his new project –“Kabhi Bachchan, Kabhi Button – it’s all about loving your new family” – a sequel to Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Karan is confident that he’d not need to apologize to Raj Thackeray for his latest movie.

(submitted through email by Khoda)

Munaf Patel and Dinesh Karthik to play for Australia tomorrow

Guest Patrakar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:18:20 +0000

Hyderabad. Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has offered Indian players to the visiting Australian team that is suffering from grave injury problems causing many of their players to go back home. Keeping with the homegrown rules of Indian cricket, Indian captain has offered his Australian counterpart a chance to play Indian players in their side for the remaining matches of the series. As a result, Munaf Patel and Dinesh Karthik could be playing for Australia tomorrow.

“What we want here is a good contest. Offering our bench strength to the visiting team will not only ensure that we have a good match but also help our boys, who have been warming benches, to have some match practice. This will also help revive the traditional Indian gully cricket culture, where in two captains flipped a coin to decide who picks which player”, Dhoni said.

Ponting: Thanks mate, we have already given you a lot of IPL players.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting seemed pleased with the decision and has gracefully accepted the offer. Ponting was quite worried after his ace bowler Peter Siddle had to pull out of last match and was sent back home. Siddle was the fourth player after Brett Lee, Tim Paine and James Hopes who returned home. Australia were already without Michael Clarke, Brad Haddin, Callum Ferguson and Nathan Bracken, and people wondered if a playing eleven for Australia was possible in such a situation.

“At the end what matters is a good game of cricket. Munaf would be spearheading our bowling attack and Karthik will be keeping wickets. We thank Dhoni for setting up foundation for an exciting contest. Not only will this give a good game, it will also be for the world to see how well the Aussies gel with the Indians (referring to recent attacks on Indian Students in Australia).” Ponting hoped.

But the player, who is being much talked about here, didn’t seem quite happy with the decision. “I have played with Shane Warne, and they (Aussies) make you exercise a lot and run till the last breath. Right now, I am happy just sitting and relaxing at the boundary. I’m not complaining and I’m getting my fee due. They should have asked me before deciding.” Munaf expressed his unhappiness.

A few other senior players too have expressed unhappiness, including Zaheer Khan, RP Singh, Irfan Pathan and Yusuf Pathan. They wonder why they were not asked to play for Australia. “They are more than willing to play and sweat out in the field”, says Abhishek Desh, Manager, Café Coffee Day outlet in Andheri (West), Mumbai where these players keep on relaxing all day.

Though, it will be quite a contest to see now with these new developments, rumors are steaming in from the other side of the world about the sequel to movie Blue. It seems that after trying out Australian singer-actress Kylie Minogue in Blue, now the producers want to try Australian cricketers for the sequel, hoping to be lucky second time. Suspicions are being raised that Australian cricketers are shying away from international duties to conserve energy for the auditions.

(submitted through email by TechPek)