Faking News » Pagal Patrakar

60 kilos of suspected Monica Bedi recovered from Arthur Road Jail

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:10:53 +0000

Mumbai. Police have till now recovered 60 kilos of what looks like Monica Bedi from a cell in the Arthur Road Jail after investigations began last Saturday with recovery of a ladies undergarment from one of the bathrooms in the jail. The concerned bathroom belonged to the underworld don Abu Salem, who is currently lodged in the same jail as an accused in the 1993 Bombay blasts case.

“We have sent the matter for forensic examination, but prima facie it looked like Monica Bedi.” a jail source said.

Something similar was recovered from Arthur Road jail in Mumbai

Police had started their investigation last Saturday after Abu Salem was allegedly attacked by another don named Mustafa Dossa with a spoon. Since spoon was not a recognized weapon of attack under Indian laws, jail authorities started looking for other weapons and proofs within the premises, leading to the discovery of a push-up bra in Salem’s bathroom.

“If it was biryani, mobiles, or Reid & Taylor suit, we’d not have been surprised, but this was a bit strange for our jail, so we ordered further inquiry.” jail superintendent R R Patil said.

Initially some of the authorities suspected Salem of being a cross-dresser but this likelihood was rejected by the senior officials who were close to Salem and enjoyed friendly relations with him.

“He is not a pervert.” said one of the senior jail officials about Abu Salem.

During course of further investigations, possible weapons of attack like thermos bottle, nail-cutter, dumbbells, etc. were recovered from Salem’s cell but later they were found to have been provided to the don on the orders of a court.

But the investigators were left clueless when they recovered what appeared like Monica Bedi.

“Some of us do provide cigarettes or beedi to the inmates but we had no idea how this Bedi came inside.” said one of the constables on conditions of anonymity.

Arindam Chaudhuri backs Kalmadi, dares Aiyar to think beyond Commonwealth Games

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:08:29 +0000

New Delhi. Hours after Congress leader Mani Shankar Aiyar wished the worst to the possible Commonwealth Games and warned that the preparation for the sporting events could never be completed in time by the authorities, a beleaguered Suresh Kalmadi, the chairman of the organizing committee, got support from management guru Arindam Chaudhuri, who claimed that India could even host Olympics if one dared to dream about hosting it.

“I don’t agree with Mani. Things might look messy right now but if we continue repeating to ourselves that we can do it, we will do it.” Chaudhuri argued and dared the cynic in Mani Shankar Aiyar to think beyond the Commonwealth Games and discover the Olympics host in Delhi, something that was discovered by Suresh Kalmadi more than six years ago.

According to sources, Chaudhuri has recommended Kalmadi to soon come up with full page color advertisements in national newspapers reiterating the inevitable success of the upcoming games. CWG organizing committee has also been advised by Chaudhuri to take part in surveys that give higher or special weight to factors such as number of contractors involved or news generated by an upcoming event. Kalmadi is reported to have welcomed these suggestions.

“Commonwealth Games of Delhi are globally ranked number one for collective contractor exposure. It’s a matter of pride for us but a shame that an anti-national person like Aiyar can’t see it.” Suresh Kalmadi said shortly after meeting the management guru; a clear indication that guru’s mantras were working for him.

Suresh Kalmadi rejected all criticisms after meeting Arindam Chaudhuri

Kalmadi is also expected to start a blog titled “PASSIONATE ABOUT CWG”, where he’d try to write positively about the games to neutralize articles written by other bloggers. The blog title and writing it in ALL CAPS was also suggested by Arindam Chaudhuri, sources say.

Chaudhuri’s support for Kalmadi is being seen as vital because Aiyar’s criticism has led to demands that Kalmadi was replaced with Lalit Modi, who could organize sporting events at short notices and was currently jobless. Kalmadi also accused Aiyar of conspiring to sabotage the upcoming games, but expressed confidence that the games would take place on schedule.

In an unrelated development, Delhi Chief Minister has denied reports that the state government was seeking to postpone Independence Day celebrations next month as preparations for the same were behind schedule.

Documents related to RGV’s new movie uploaded on WikiLeaks

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:19:26 +0000

Mumbai. In a shocking revelation, it has been learnt that Indian filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma was planning another remake of Sholay, tentatively titled Phir Lagi Aag, even as his first attempt had proved to be a disaster three years back. The appalling piece of information came to public knowledge earlier today after an unknown whistleblower working in Factory, the production house of RGV, uploaded some vital documents related to the project on WikiLeaks.

“Oh man, the government has to stop it from being produced or released!” said a visibly shaken Karan, one of the movie-buffs in Andheri, echoing sentiments of thousands of other movie-goers, many of whom were too traumatized to react.

Some RTI activists had been trying to dig out the next move of RGV on this front, and one of them might have uploaded the information on WikiLeaks, many believe

As soon as the news was broken by Faking News, the WikiLeaks website reported tremendous traffic overload with millions of curious and anxious visitors thronging the site to get firsthand details. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has defended the release of the document and denied that the act violated any laws.

“Our team vets each document before releasing it to public and prepares ourselves against any possible political or legal attack.” Assange said, adding, “This was relatively easier and safer to implement as one of the serious violations could have been those of the copyright laws, but the script was a carbon copy of the original movie; they can’t claim any copyright at first place.”

Mr. Assange statement suggesting that the script could again be a carbon copy of Sholay has worried the movie goers in India even further, with many of them demanding immediate action by the government in the case.

Meanwhile sources indicate that a major manhunt has been launched in Factory to spot the person who leaked the information to WikiLeaks. All the computers and e-mails of the employees have been sealed and frozen till further orders by Ramu.

But WikiLeaks founder has assured full anonymity and protection to the unknown person and has urged whistleblowers in other parts of the country to trust them with any information that they might be possessing.

“We have received various sensitive documents from India ranging from sex-scandal in Kabbaddi, next novel of Chetan Bhagat, fake encounters by policemen, and corruption in government schemes. We’d release them in future as per the preferences of the Indian audiences.” Assange said.

Sohrabuddin case: ex-criminal to turn civilian in the court

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 09:56:32 +0000

New Delhi. In a major breakthrough for the CBI, former extortionist and hardened criminal Sohrabuddin Sheikh is all set to turn into an innocent civilian in the Sohrabuddin fake encounter case. Sohrabuddin, who is dead now as a result of that encounter, would be helped by media reports and political rhetoric in this transformation, thus strengthening the case against Amit Shah, former Minister of State for Home in Gujarat.

“Application for the same on behalf of Late Mr. Sheikh has been moved in the court and we hope the honorable court would allow Mr. Sheikh to be identified as a civilian for the rest of the hearings.” CBI lawyer argued, producing a latest news report by BBC as a corroborative proof, where Sohrabuddin is termed as ‘Muslim civilian’, and another report by NDTV where he is referred to as ‘a young Muslim man’.

Ex-criminal Sohrabuddin is all set to become a civilian posthumously

Experts say that the transformation of Sohrabuddin into a ‘Muslim civilian’ will help the case immensely as this otherwise textbook case of police-politician-criminal nexus would acquire the shades of a case like Batla House encounter of Delhi, and hence would attract numerous activists to volunteer for getting the guilty punished for his crimes.

“Everyone is talking about politics and power, but I tell you the real issue here is money, rokda! Some shit must have happened over the distribution of contract killing money among the parties involved, and now the shit is hitting the roof.” Daya Nayak, an expert on encounter killings, argued.

“Anyway, it’s good that Sohrabuddin is turning into a civilian or else it would have shifted the focus to police-politician-criminal nexus. This is a win-win situation for everyone as business can continue in the real world.” Daya added.

Meanwhile Congress leader Digvijay Singh has welcomed the scheduled transformation of Sohrabuddin into a civilian as a welcome step and has hoped that the development would help weed out communalism from the society, whereas BJP has termed the development as an ‘attack on Hindus’.

Sunday Magazine: Is Bihar finally returning to normalcy?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 15:16:34 +0000

Last week Bihar assembly made news on international arena with a Congress MLC Jyoti Devithe reminding people of The Incredible Hulk and a hammer-throw player. Earlier such events didn’t made news as they were deemed natural and normal for Bihar legislators. In wake of these events, this week’s Sunday Magazine tries to find out if Bihar is returning to normalcy after a gap of five years:

Sunday Magazine of Faking News dated 25 July 2010

Fuchcha feeling awesome after dancing like a snake in public

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 10:41:47 +0000

New Delhi. 16-year-old Amit Kumar reported a feeling of accomplishment and achievement after he danced like a snake during Fresher’s Day on the Hindu College campus here this Wednesday. Amit, who is now a first year student of B. Sc. (Honours) in Zoology, has been smiling at all his seniors and batch-mates since then, lest his identity as the awesome snake-dancer fades away from the public memory.

“All of them were clapping and laughing; I was the center of attraction.” Amit recalls, who wore orange cargo shorts and green t-shirt for the first day of the college.

Students get to learn vital skills and lessons in colleges

For his performance, Amit was referred to as Naagraaj by a good looking girl from the senior batch in the crowd, a seemingly original expression for a person mimicking snake, which attracted spontaneous and copious admiration from the crowd of students present.

Amit added the same girl on facebook yesterday, after which he was added by at least four other boys from the senior batch as soon as his friendship request was approved by the girl.

“The seniors are very supportive and help us with each of our moves. There has been no instance of ragging on the campus.” he said, echoing the sentiments of many other first year students, popularly called as fuchchas in Delhi University and many other campuses.

Other fuchchas and fuchchis too reported feeling of contentment after having won a platform to showcase their talent for proposing a girl, dancing on one leg, and cracking jokes – incidentally also the themes for most of the popular television reality shows these days.

“Campus life is all about exploring your personality and making new friends. It’s your big leap into the real world from classrooms.” said Rashmi, one of the final year students, concisely summing up the need for higher education and congratulating the first year students for their first major step towards social evolution.

Inception gives rise to new 9/11 conspiracy theory: it was a dream

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:20:46 +0000

New York, USA. A new conspiracy theory about the September 11 attacks has emerged from the believers of Inception, the recently released sci-fi movie written and directed by Christopher Nolan, where it is being claimed that everything happening ever since September 11, 2001 has actually been a dream, while the Twin Towers as well as George Bush as the President of the USA still exist in the real world.

“You never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? You always wind up right in the middle of what’s going on, right?” the latest conspiracy theorist Jon Ronson Cobb put forward his premise.

“Think about it folks. How did America suddenly get into this war against terror? Do you remember the beginning? We were actually helping these so-called terrorists fight against the Russians for decades! Why would they attack us? How did we wind up right in the middle of this mess?” the fanatic believer of Inception made a case.

One we wake up to the reality, we’d find him smiling and at the helm of the affairs; the conspiracy theory says

Cobb believes that the then US President George Walker Bush, who he claims is still the President of the USA in the ‘real’ world, surreptitiously made the citizens of the world share a dream with him, and the current world is some unknown layered dream i.e. dream within dream within dream and so on, designed by Bush’s team of architects.

“Both Obama and Osama are projections of George Bush’s subconscious; they don’t exist in reality. Do you really think a black man can lead America or a cave-residing criminal can evade arrest for more than 10 years?” Cobb explained his conspiracy theory, claiming that George Bush was planning to return to power in the dream world before he decides to wake up rest of the people out of the forced slumber.

“Sarah Palin is actually George Bush himself.” Cobb made the startling claim, arguing that George Bush had skills similar to the character called Eames in Inception, who could change appearances and forge identities of different persons in the dream world.

Cobb further claims that while the war against terror continues in the dream world, George Bush was developing the secret RFID chip in the real world that would be fitted to all the citizens, currently in sedated stage, so that Bush and other powerful people could make them share dreams at their will and convenience.

“No more secret and surreptitious missions would be required to make ordinary citizens share dreams designed and developed by ruling persons in future.” Cobb revealed the climax of the theory.

The theory has attracted mixed reactions from people, with many trashing it for being too unreal, but there were some who were willing to buy Jon Ronson Cobb’s explanation of the current world order, even though he had no explanation or details on how the citizens of the world made to share a dream by George Bush in the first place.

“That’s something you have to find out.” Cobb answered with a smirk, making his conspiracy theory as open-ended and open to interpretations as any of the Christopher Nolan’s movies.

Human error caused Mamata Banerjee to become Minister

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 10:25:31 +0000

New Delhi. A high level fact-finding committee set up by the Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to inquire into the problems of Railway Ministry has blamed ‘human error’ for the whole mess. In its preliminary report, the committee pins the culpability on unidentified human beings responsible for making Ms. Mamata Banerjee the Railway Minister, apparently the central reason for all the troubles currently being faced by the Indian Railways.

“We analyzed all the possible reasons for the frequent accidents plaguing railways in the past few months, and were shocked to find out that they had been on rise ever since Mamata Banerjee took over the charge of the ministry. Clearly the origin of the fault lied there.” Ram Prakash, a senior member of the committee, said.

Mamata Banerjee can’t see any mismanagement in her Ministry

“Our team tried to find out what caused that error i.e. Mamata Banerjee becoming the Minister, and after much deliberations and investigation, we concluded that a ‘human error’ could have caused the catastrophe.” he added.

Mr. Prakash didn’t divulge the details of the nature of the ‘human error’ or the set of human beings who have been held responsible for the error in the report, but our sources indicate that the report blames the Prime Minister himself as he chooses his cabinet of ministers.

“Not really, the report might have put the blame on UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi, as she calls the shot in such matters, and that’s why they are not making it public.” an expert on Railways affairs opined, commenting on the media reports.

A few other experts argued that the report could have blamed the human beings of West Bengal for voting for Didi’s party and ultimately making her the Railway Minister, while others argue that the Leftist leaders were to be blamed for not leaving any other choice for the people of West Bengal but to go along with Didi.

The committee members declined to comment on these rumors and appealed to the media to wait till the report was tabled in the parliament.

It’s not yet clear what punishment would be meted out to the human being responsible for this grave error.

Government to identify citizens by their bum sizes for UID

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:35:33 +0000

New Delhi. In a bizarre development, the Unique Identification Authority of India (UIDAI) has decided to incorporate the bum-size of a citizen for the 12-digit UID that would be assigned uniquely to each Indian. This decision was taken after the budget for the unique identification project was cut down by half by a government committee. UIDAI has claimed that the new formula would also speed up the process of allotting UIDs.

“After the budget for the project was halved, we were left with only three options – one; we issue UIDs to only half of the population, second; we issue six-digit UIDs containing half the information and able to meet only half of the objectives, or third; we consider only half of the human body of our citizens for identification purposes. We decided to go with the last option.” UIDAI chairperson Nandan Nilekani said.

Mr. Nilekani further informed that there was a lot of internal debate among the members of the UIDAI on how to divide a human body into two halves. While most of the people were instinctively in favor of a vertical division from the frontal side of the body, such a division was deemed futile and discriminatory after deep deliberations.

“A vertical division would have meant that we gave prominence to either the left or the right part of one’s body. It could have attracted opposition from the leftists or the rightists in either eventuality. Furthermore, we could have been accused of being communal as the vertical division could have been accused of being inspired from the Hindu concept of Ardhnarishwar.” Mr. Nilekani said.

Government will finally notice at least half of our body for planning purposes

“Furthermore, we would still have ended up with organs like fingers, eyes, nose, mouth, etc., causing us to invest in biometric identification technologies, thus not helping us with the lowered budget or the original timeline.” he added.

After hours of discussions and deliberations, UIDAI decided to discount the upper part of the human body of Indian citizens to operate within the new budget. This led to further challenges as they were left with only genitals and legs.

“Well, between legs and genitals, we thought that the Indians were more aware and self conscious of the latter. But being a conservative society, we had a huge challenge to identify a person based on his or her genitals, nonetheless, since this was a matter of national security, we zeroed in upon bum-sizes as the compromise formula.” Mr. Nilekani informed.

Mr. Nilekani agreed that it was a sub-optimal solution as bum-size of a person could vary and was not unique, but he expressed his helplessness in wake of the UID project budget being slashed to half by the government. Though he claimed that since measuring bum-sizes was relatively easier, the UID project could be finished in time unlike other government projects like Commonwealth Games, budget for which was incidentally doubled last year.

Experts have called the decision by UIDAI as bizarre and unscientific, but some of them see it as a clever attempt by the authority to deal with the slashed budget.

“Maybe this has been done to cause outrage among the society provoking public protests, thus pressurizing the government to restore the original budgetary provisions for the UID project.” claimed an expert.

Sunday Magazine: where are India Pakistan talks heading towards?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 12:48:53 +0000

The Foreign Minister level talks between India and Pakistan were mostly awarded zero stars by most of the critics despite powerful and dramatic dialogues delivered by the Pakistani Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi and a stoic and somber performance by his Indian counterpart Somanahalli Mallaiah Krishna. This week’s Sunday Magazine of Faking News analyzes various aspects of the talks – why they failed, what could have made more interesting, and other finer aspects that are ignored by the mainstream media:

The Sunday Magazine of Faking News dated 18 July 2010

Taliban finding it easier to train monkeys, but tougher to make them suicide bombers

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 07:43:22 +0000

Tora Bora, Afghanistan. Even though many sources dismissed the reports about Taliban training monkeys to carry out attacks on US troops as ‘absurd’ and ‘rumor’, our sources have confirmed that the news about “monkey terrorists” were genuine and Taliban were indeed raising an army of gun trotting monkeys. But interestingly, these monkeys are not yet ready to become suicide bombers even as their trainers are trying their best to convince the primates.

“These monkeys have higher IQ than our earlier recruits but somehow they lack the motivation to blow themselves up in a crowded place.” informed Maulana Mushroom Azahar, the spokesperson of Taliban, even as his men were seen convincing the monkeys to follow the true path of god and kill the infidels, whether armed men or random women and children.

Monkey Terrorists trained by Taliban could soon strike various parts of the world

Maulana expressed happiness that otherwise the monkeys were doing fine and were quickly learning vital skills like throwing a grenade, firing from a Kalashnikov, assembling a bomb, and recording video messages while appearing somber yet threatening.

“They are intelligent creatures, right among the best ones like trained engineers and doctors that we have been able to attract till date.” chuckled Maulana, who is confident that infidel countries like the USA, Israel and India would now be clueless on how to tackle these monkey terrorists.

But Maulana considers his work unfinished till he could convince these monkeys of becoming suicide bombers or gunman like Azmal Ali Kasab.

“We have asked our research department to deeply study and analyze monkey psychology and spot areas which we can influence and convince these soldiers for the ultimate martyrdom.” he said.

But experts believe that the going would be far tougher for Maulana as his time tested means could fall flat on the monkeys.

“There is no evidence that monkeys believe in concepts like heaven and hell. They are mostly believed to be enjoying their present, unlike many human beings. They also have very different approach towards sex – they don’t consider it taboo or forbidden, and they don’t necessarily hanker after virgins.” Kasim Kohistani, an expert in Animal Psychology, argued.

Other experts too agree and caution Maulana not to become over enthusiastic just because the monkeys have shown positive results in other areas.

“A bulk of the people that Taliban had been attracting till now had lived in a habitat worse that those enjoyed by these monkeys. Those poor guys were malnourished and grew up seeing killings and violence around them, which could make the monkeys appear more alert and intelligent in comparison, but that doesn’t mean the monkey would be ready to do everything they say.” said Hamid Wahidi, an economist.

When approached by Faking News, the trainee monkeys refused to talk, but one of them agreed to comment after our correspondent gave him 250 grams of peanuts and two dozen bananas.

“It is fun shooting from these guns and getting food in return! But give me a break; I’m not going to blow myself up for peanuts! Hah, never!” said Kalandar, a trainee monkey terrorist.

India TV astrologer develops Mantra to control Mehengai Daayan

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 08:05:42 +0000

New Delhi. Daati Maharaj of India TV has developed a mantra that allegedly contains powers of controlling the mehengai daayan i.e. the witch of inflation. The path-breaking development, which could bring relief to millions of Indian citizens, was announced in a live program on the news channel earlier today. The program would be repeated three times daily for the next three weeks for the benefit of the viewers who might have missed it today.

“om bwin dim sharad phat phut pranab sili dwin bim hum sarvda” was the essence of the mantra that Saint Shiromani Shanicharanuragi ‘Daati’ Madan Maharaj Rajasthani ji announced live on the show, as he went on to propose various other means to rein in and restrain the atrocities of mehengai daayan.

“Apart from repeating the mantra three times a day after drinking buffalo’s milk, sleep with a black-brown dog on a blue mattress made of jute, holding his left rear leg with your right hand, on days when Sensex loses more than 100 points.” Daati Maharaj proposed an add-on solution, arguably adding business and economics parameters to the occult for the first time.

This is not exactly Mehengai Daayan, but the television channel used this poster during the show

The show was also attended by a jobless economist, ubiquitous rationalist, and a PR publicist of Aamir Khan Productions. While the rationalist kept on smiling and laughing as Daati Maharaj proposed his solution to fight the witch of inflation, the economist claimed that anything could work in the current scheme of things.

“Let people try out these means. Once the results, whether positive or negative, are out, I’d be able to explain the phenomenon.” the economist claimed, backed the PR publicist, who added that people should also watch the upcoming Bollywood movie Peepli Live so that they can spot and identify the witch of inflation without any trouble.

“It will just cost you a few hundred bucks, but it’s worth it to rein in the witch.” the PR person added.

India TV played video clips from the movie before and after each commercial break and also during the show various times, but denied that the program was any paid attempt to promote the movie.

“It’s one of our sincere attempts to help India gain freedom from chudails, daayans, bhoots, aliens, and other evil forces; completely in line with our philosophy and editorial policies.” India TV head Rajat Sharma told Faking News.

Common viewers had mixed reaction to the show and the solution proposed by India TV, but many of them supported such initiatives.

“Ab government se toh kuchh ho nahi raha, yehi kar ke dekhte hain (now that the government has failed to control inflation, let me try this out)” said one of the viewers holding a black-brown dog.

Hurriyat calls for celebrations as baby is born holding stone in hand

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 07:10:45 +0000

Srinagar. The All Parties Hurriyat Conference (APHC) have called for state wide celebrations in Jammu and Kashmir as a baby boy was born with a stone held in his hand this morning in a government hospital here. Hurriyat leaders have hailed the development as a divine sanction of their stone pelting movement, which has now become an integral part of the Kashmiri culture, also known as Kashmiriyat.

“This is marvelous. At a time when security agencies were accusing us of funding and orchestrating stone pelting incidents in the state, the almighty has come to our rescue. This clearly proves that even god wants the Kashmiri youth to take up stone pelting. Subhanallah! This calls for celebrations!” hardliner Hurriyat leader Syed Ali Shah Geelani declared and claimed that the debate over whether stone-pelting was un-Islamic was settled for ever now, even as the Grand Mufti of J&K had opposed it earlier.

Stone pelting has become the favorite pursuit of happiness and self determination in the last one year in Jammu and Kashmir

This is for the first time when APHC has called for any celebrations in the state, which has only experienced and witnessed calls for protests, strikes, rallies, marches, demonstrations, and stone pelting by the conference hitherto.

The 25-year-old woman, Shazia Mir, who gave birth to the now famous baby boy, was not available for comments as Hurriyat leaders put her under closed surveillance and virtually under house-arrest citing ‘security reasons’.

Hurriyat leaders also rejected reports that an Army doctor had attended to Shazia in the hospital as her scheduled delivery was delayed due to the valley shut-down called by Hurriyat on the eve of Martyr’s Day yesterday.

“These are all misinformation being spread by the Delhi agents to bring disrepute to APHC and Kashmiri people. Kashmiris will not tolerate such attacks on our dignity.” Geelani averred.

But reports of an Army doctor attending to Shazia have been gaining momentum in the valley, with some people claiming that the doctor was hit with the stone as soon as the baby boy came out.

“Army will have no option but to go back. Our future generations would always have stone handy with them and would attack any army-man the moment they spot them.” hoped another Hurriyat leader.

When contacted for comments, the hospital authorities declined to corroborate the turn of events, but a few of them were shocked by the whole development.

“His mother was originally a Bengali who got married to a Kashmiri man last year. She was a regular patient and had been facing many physical and psychological complications ever since due to change in habitat. She was pregnant but I never saw any stone during her regular checkups. But somehow her relatives were rejoicing and showing a stone in the boy’s hand after delivery.” informed a doctor on conditions of anonymity.

Meanwhile, the father of the baby boy, Omar Mir, is hopeful that his days of penury could be over after being blessed with such a gifted child.

“He can earn at least 10 times what I currently earn.” said Omar, a professional stone-pelter, who doesn’t see the situation improving in the state for another few generations.

Commonwealth Games committee planning to fake Swine Flu to delay games

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 07:00:42 +0000

New Delhi. Terrified at the possibility of not being able to complete even the basic construction requirements before the scheduled start of the Commonwealth Games, the organizing committee is reported to be planning to create Swine Flu scare in the capital to delay the games. Trusted sources inform Faking News that the committee sees it as the most effective mean left to escape blame for a shoddy performance.

“Last evening’s heavy showers ended up halting and pushing back the construction work at many places in Delhi, which led the committee to be absolutely confident now that it could never complete the work in the given time. The only way left was to somehow delay the games to get more time to finish the work.” informed a source in the CWG Organizing Committee.

Would such masks be able to cover up the mismanagement?

To delay the games, the committee has resolved to spread the scare of Swine Flu in the National Capital Region of Delhi.

“They are planning to fake a few cases of Swine Flu and are currently hunting for people with serious respiratory diseases. Once such a guy is hospitalized and the news is out, rest of the work would be done by the news channels and the WHO.” our source revealed the game plan.

CWG committee considers it a foolproof plan and is confident of implementing it in time, unlike the construction works, and achieving the end results.

“Last year, many sporting events were canceled in Mexico due to scare of Swine Flu. Once a few cases of infections are reported, many countries like Australia and UK would waste no time in issuing travel advisories to their citizens against visiting Delhi and NCR, thus delaying the games.” our sources inform.

Earlier, the CWG committee was hoping that the high level of crime in the NCR could scare the participating countries and eventually delay the games. In the past few months, a few Jat bodies had even threatened to disrupt the games if they (Jats) were not included in the OBC category, but the participating countries were hardly scared.

“The lack of criminal activities talking place in South Africa during the recently concluded FIFA world cup has also demoralized the committee. South Africa has crime rates comparable to NCR but it was disappointing to see the games completely unaffected.” points out our special correspondent Khamba, even though his analysis gives some hope to the committee.

But the CWG committee doesn’t want to depend on the criminals to do the job and have finalized their plans to spread the scare of Swine Flu. Unconfirmed reports suggest that “Swine Flu Panda”, created by Faking News, could be declared as the brand ambassador of the game next week, because Panda was a young sports personality as sought by CWG organizing committee chairman Suresh Kalmadi.

Paul the Octopus to star in Swayamvar season 3 reality show

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 07:57:44 +0000

Mumbai. Imagine TV, which got Rahul Mahajan married and Rakhi Sawant almost married through its marriage reality show Swayamvar, has announced that the third season of the show will feature now world famous Paul the Octopus. Although it’s not yet clear if Paul would get married on the show or help a participant choose his/her better half, the news has created a sensation around the world.

“He is definitely more marriageable than both Rahul and Rakhi. He has so many qualities – he is intelligent, popular, honest, wanted, brave, and can make a lot of money. I’m sure a lot of girls and even boys would want to marry him.” said Sarah, a fan of Paul, who hoped that it would be Paul, who’d actually be getting married on the show.

Earlier, rumors were afoot that Mahendra Singh Dhoni, Yuvraj Singh or Vivek Oberoi could star in Swayamvar season 3. But with Dhoni married and other two advised to rather concentrate on their professional careers, there doesn’t seem to be any candidate for the televised marriage show. Nevertheless, it’s not ruled out that Paul could just help in choosing a life-partner for some celebrity.

“After we witnessed the kind of criteria adopted in the earlier seasons to select a person for getting married, I guess Paul can any day make a better informed choice.” said Nishant, who favored Paul helping a human celebrity choose a life partner on television.

Paul Dulhaniya Le Jaayega?

But most of the fans favor Paul selecting a partner for himself on the show and getting married in the process.

“I’m sick of these human celebrity weddings, they are anyway for television. If it’s not Paul getting married, I am not watching the show.” Sarah said.

Although the representatives of Imagine TV have refused to divulge the details, sources inform that the television channel is now seriously exploring the possibilities of an Octopus wedding, and late night consultations with lawyers and brand managers are expected to take place today.

“Although Paul is just over two-and-half years, the Child Marriage Act would not be applicable in this case, as he is neither Indian nor human, and technically he is in his middle-ages because the average life-expectancy of an Octopus is below five years.” Ram Jhoothmalani, a leading lawyer said.

But Mr. Jhoothmalani refused to specify if Indian law could allow marriage between a human and an animal.

“Let them (the television channel) hire me for my services to know that.” he said.

But other legal experts believe that such marriages could take place in India as they were not explicitly outlawed by the constitution.

“Earlier a man had married a dog, and even a celebrity like Aishwarya Rai had married a tree first before marrying Abhishek Bachchan.” argued a lawyer in Bombay High Court.

“If there are no religious or gotra issues, I think this marriage can take place in India.” he added.

Will we see India play in any FIFA world cup in our lifetime?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 14:30:26 +0000

FIFA 2010 World Cup final takes place between Spain and Holland today in South Africa while we Indians divide ourselves between the two teams based upon our knowledge of football or whether we like an octopus or a parrot. But at the same time we wonder, if we, in our lifetime, would be ever be able to support our own national team in the world cup.

This week’s Sunday Magazine focuses on the same issue, as our group of expert analyze what ails Indian football:

Sunday Magazine of Faking News dated 11 July 2010

To be back in news, Rakhi Sawant picks Spain over Holland

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 19:50:19 +0000

Mumbai. Having failed to convince (yet) Imagine TV to arrange her second swayamvar and with even Mika not kissing her again, Rakhi Sawant has decided to jump on the prediction bandwagon to get back in news. Like Paul the Octopus and Mani the Parrot, Rakhi Sawant too predicted the winner for the FIFA world cup final by blowing heart shaped little balloons towards bowls representing the two teams.

The bowl with the Spanish flag received the maximum number of little hearts, signifying Rakhi’s pick for the finals.

“These are not balloons; these are my hearts, my real hearts. And my heart has said that Spain will win.” Rakhi announced, with pouted lips and a low neckline top, signifying her transformation into an oracle girl from an item girl.

No, this is not Rakhi Sawant dressed up as witch

Experts believe that Rakhi has been feeling suffocated after being out of news for such a long time, while her competitor Sherlyn Chopra had been making news around football world cup.

But Rakhi denied such speculations and declared that she had mastered the art of predictions thanks to her faith in the occult, which had led her to dress as a witch for a fashion show. She further informed that she was willing to take up this prediction business fulltime if some television channel agreed to make program out of it and some corporate brand agreed to sponsor the show.

“Britannia Little Hearts is one brand that I can think of, but I’m sure the television people can come up with more options.” Rakhi said, proving that her knowledge and understanding of television showbiz was more than what people were willing to credit her with.

Rakhi is confident of getting some television channel on board after the kind of attention Paul the Octopus received from them and other media outlets after having correctly predicted the results of Germany’s matches during the ongoing football world cup. She is especially confident of convincing a news channel even if her prediction about world cup finals fails.

“They can still show me in the program!” Rakhi said, arguing that accuracy of her predictions were rather inconsequential in so far as producing content for television was concerned.

Sources say that if Rakhi fails to get her second, and possibly third as well, swayamvar produced and broadcast, she may as well start her own prediction show like a pre-match balloon blowing prediction for IPL4 matches or a live television show where she would take in phone calls from people and help them with their queries.

Couple in love for three weeks break up publicly in shopping mall

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:09:36 +0000

New Delhi. Ankit, 25, and Tina, 24, were madly in love and had been going steady for almost three weeks now before they suddenly broke up in a shopping mall earlier today. The incident has sent shockwaves to many, who thought both of them were made for each other as Ankit had gifted a Micromax Bling twinkling cellpone to Tina just three days back. It’s not yet known why the couple broke up.

“Everything was going alright and Tina seemed so happy. She had even bought new skirt that she planned to wear on Ankit’s birthday next month.” said Sarah, a common friend of Ankit and Tina, and ex-girlfriend of Ankit.

An artist’s impression of how the couple in love would have looked like in the shopping mall

“Oh god, I feel so bad for her.” she added.

Sarah refused to share the details of her break-up with Ankit and clarified that her case couldn’t be equated with that of Tina as they were very different in nature.

“She is not my types.” Sarah said, adding that Tina’s taste in dressing was very ‘middle-class’.

Eyewitnesses present at the shopping mall still vividly recall the moment the couple broke up, though not many had specific details on what went wrong between them.

“I was looking at this mannequin when I suddenly heard a female voice scream “you get lost”; that’s when I turned back to see those guys talking agitatedly with each other. The girl looked hot and it seemed she would almost slap that thin but tall guy.” said Virendar, who also tried to make an MMS of the moment but Ankit had beaten a hasty retreat from the mall by then.

“There should be a short-cut button for video-camera on cell phones.” Virendar recalled the moment.

Other couples present at the mall at that time too recalled the moment of the break-up but could only speculate over what could have caused it.

“I guess the girl caught the guy with another girl.” Smita, who was shopping with her boyfriend in the same mall when the incident took place, said, adding, “Furthermore, they never looked a perfect couple together, they were bound to break up; I could have predicted that even if there was no fight.”

But not many of the friends of Ankit and Tina agree as they maintain that were such a sweet couple together.

“Yes, Tina was upset last night as Ankit didn’t call her back after rejecting her call, but didn’t know it could lead to their break-off.” Chetan, one of the school friends of Tina, wondered.

Ankit, who works as a call center executive in Gurgaon, had spent around 35,700 rupees on his latest affair, his friends inform.

“I hope he comes out of it soon.” wished Aman, one of Ankit’s twenty-seven best friends.

Google secretly developing a competitor to Paul the Octopus

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 07:08:04 +0000

California, USA. Concerned over the growing popularity of Paul the Octopus for accurately resolving people’s doubts, something for which a lot of people have relied upon Google search results, Google is reported to be developing its own Octopus, tentatively named “Google 8”. The Google Octopus could be launched anytime later this year and would be distributed and sold through retail stores unlike other google products that were distributed and sold through online downloads.

“It would look like a real blood and flesh octopus and would be available in a small aquarium of 3x3x3 feet cubic size. But it would actually be an android running on Google’s complex search engine algorithm, improvised to resolve specific questions like which team could win a match or whether a person would get a job.” informed a popular tech blogger, even though Google declined to comment on the reports.

Google 8, the Google Octopus, is ready to answer all your questions that ever bothered you

Experts believe that Google was indeed worried over the popularity of Paul, the psychic octopus, who could correctly predict the results of all the FIFA world cup matches that Germany played. Earlier, Google was the one stop solution for a person in doubt, a position that now threatens to go to octopuses.

“People would ask all kinds of questions to Google when something bothered them – Will I ever get married? When will I die? Is my neighbor a sex offender? Will Argentina win the 2010 world cup? Will Germany be a Muslim state by 2050? – but soon they could start flocking to octopuses for such queries and google could lose a considerable traffic.” explained an internet expert.

Earlier Google had felt threat from the growing popularity of facebook and was believed to be working on development of “Google Me”, but it’s not clear if the internet giant could shelve the development of “Google Me” to launch “Google 8” in time.

“I believe they would be wise to work on the Google Octopus at this moment as it threatens their primary business – the search engine market. Also, we have specific information that China is planning to flood global markets with smaller and cheaper octopuses that people could buy and keep in their homes to resolve their queries.” another expert opined.

Faking News sources in China confirm that preparations are afoot to market tiny octopuses in smaller aquariums and brand them iPaul, something that hurts Google as well as Apple, two American corporate giants. The Chinese iPaul octopuses would be real alive octopuses and would be projected as having psychic powers similar to Paul the Octopus.

Back in India, domestic babas too are concerned over the latest developments and are planning to protest the entry of iPaul and Google 8 into the Indian markets.

Second rung business school stuck with third rate students

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 06:45:13 +0000

Mumbai. Despite its best attempts to impart quality education and learning experience to its students, Global Business School of Andheri, widely recognized as one of the leading second rung business schools in India making false and exaggerated promises to students, has failed to make any progress on that front. On Wednesday, the b-school squarely blamed third rate students for its failure and also for burgeoning number of second rung business schools in the country.

“The jokers are not interested in learning at all! They are just looking for an extended two years of college life. All that they inquire about if whether the classrooms and hostels are air-conditioned and if they’d get to visit some European countries for a few weeks.” Arun Damle, Director of GBS said, pointing towards a bunch of fashion savvy youths loitering in the reception area.

One of the most popular ads by GBS attracting hordes of third rate students to enroll for its two-year MBA program

Global Business School (GBS) offers free laptops to its students and promises a two week ‘industrial tour’ to Belgium to its students, something that has helped it attract a large number of third rate students and millions of rupees every academic session.

“Now we have lost all the fire to provide quality education like the top MBA institutes. At least it’s proving to be a nice business model.” Arun Damle conceded, further adding, “In fact, such things even help us get a better ranking in some of the b-school surveys. Such foreign tours count as ‘global exposure’ and fetch us higher ranks; goes well with our name as well!”

Damle hopes that further surveys for ranking of business schools may take into account number of air-conditioners, MacBooks and cars on the campus, and help GBS get a ranking higher than the reputed MBA schools in India.

“I don’t trust my boys to help me shed the tag of being a second rung b-school, but other things are improving.” Damle said. He agrees with a recent NASSCOM survey stating that only 25% of all the MBA graduates were employable.

“Dude, you have to give it to us. 0% of them are interested in studying when they come in, 25% employability is just awesome.” he argued.

Man sets a new record by stealing third blanket from Rajdhani Express

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 06:35:42 +0000

New Delhi. 37-year-old Rajesh Kumar left his friends and neighbors in a mix of awe and shock when he announced that he had successfully stolen third blanket from Rajdhani Express, the Air-Conditioned trains of Indian Railways, from as many trips in the last one month. Working as an Area Sales Manager in a submersible pump manufacturing company, Rajesh completed his ‘hat-trick’ while on an official trip to meet a client.

“The attendant counted the stack twice and moved around confused in the coach, but he couldn’t find out the missing blanket in my laptop bag.” giggled Rajesh, as his friends assembled around him this morning to get the vital details of the great train robbery.

Although Rajesh didn’t share the essential tricks of the trade, he did give tips to his friends on how to confound the co-passengers as well as the attendants while making things disappear from their sight. Rajesh has amassed a wealth spanning seven towels, four pillows, six bed-sheets, four thermos-bottles, and numerous tea-kits from his train trips till date.

Rajesh loves the sight of Rajdhani Express

Having perfected the art of pilfering these paraphernalia, now Rajesh aims to rob the railways of assets like the mirrors and ceiling fans.

“It is a big challenge but I’d definitely give it a try next time.” Rajesh announced to his group of friends, who couldn’t stop marveling his towering ambitions.

“Impossible is nothing.” he added.

Rajesh refuses to accept that he is indulging in practices that are essentially criminal. His father used to work in the Indian Railways as a Depot Material Superintendent and Rajesh had been accustomed to seeing Railway property in his house since childhood.

“Even our ancestral house was painted in brick-red and yellow, the two favorite colors used by the Railways to paint every damn thing. Even to this date our house is famously known as ‘rail ghar’ in our village.” Rajesh proudly informs.

His father wanted Rajesh to take up a job in Railways but Rajesh was too interested in working in ‘private sector’ and ended up with a sales job with Om Sai Pump Makers.

“These stuff would have anyway come to my home had I heeded to my father’s advice and took up a job with the Railways. At least now I’m not taking home any salary and helping the Railways save some cost. How is this criminal?” Rajesh put forward his logic, defending his debatable deeds.

Meanwhile, the attendants of Rajdhani Express have confirmed that some blankets had gone missing in the last few weeks, but they denied the possibility of Rajesh being the culprit.

“That saab is nice. He gave us 50 rupees as sewa-paani (tip) last time he traveled.” said Gajraj Singh, the train attendant, adding that he suspected a poor looking guy, who perhaps traveled in an AC coach for the first time, to have committed the crime.

Sunday Magazine: How news channels cover celebrity weddings

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 11:20:24 +0000

Indian cricket captain MS Dhoni is getting married and it has pushed news channels into giving attention to details and practicing vigilance for new developments, witnessed only during other celebrity weddings or to an extent, during terrorist attacks. This week’s Sunday Magazine documents the heroic efforts of our news organizations and brings you up close and personal with people who are responsible for such impeccable reporting.

The magazine also contains articles on other vital issues impacting our lives, apart from celebrity weddings.

Sunday Magazine of Faking News dated 4 July 2010

Office dud turns cool dude on facebook by the evenings

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 11:35:23 +0000

Hyderabad. In a rather puzzling phenomenon, Ranjith Reddy, the 23-year-old complete jerk in the office, has been transforming into a cool dude on facebook as soon as the office hours come to an end for over a month now. A downright dud in the office, whom nobody wants in their teams, Ranjith attracts dozens of favorable comments for his actions on the social networking site, leaving his boss and colleagues mighty perplexed.

“He is a complete idiot when it comes to performance in the office, but I see him as no less than a hero on facebook! Unfuckingbelievable!” said Vinay, his colleague at Mindmatters Software Solutions, who hates the facebook profile picture of Ranjith, where he is holding a beer mug, making victory sign, and apparently yelling “yo!” at the photographer.

One of the pictures that Ranjith uploaded on his facebook wall and captioned “do they look like your bosses?” allegedly after which his boss removed him from his contact

“Asshole!” Vinay added.

Ranjith has been one of the worst performers in the company, who was warned many times by the bosses to improve his performance or be ready for the pink slip, but no discernible improvement was noticed in him. He failed to sell the most popular product of the company to four new clients he was asked to follow, even as he successfully created four ‘pages’ with over 100 fans each on facebook during the same duration, sources inform.

“He asked me to ‘like’ a page titled ‘my white shirt can bring world peace’ on facebook. WTF! Later on Vinay told me that the page was created by the jerk himself.” Sudhakaran Nair, the senior manager at Mindmatters said, further informing that he had removed Ranjith from his facebook friends’ list last night after he got mighty pissed off with his ever growing online activities.

With over 1300 friends on facebook and membership of hundreds of communities and pages, Ranjith is well known and popular among his online friends, a fact that has confounded his office colleagues beyond belief.

“All that he does is to copy paste popular quotes from the internet and post it as his status updates, even without crediting the original source. What’s so cool about that? And how on earth he has managed that!” wondered another colleague of Ranjith.

Ranjith, on his part, has defended his online coolness and has accused his bosses and office mates of being jealous of his efficiency and esteem.

“They are frustrated because they can’t control my online life. Freedom of internet FTW!” Ranjith wrote on his ‘wall’, without naming anyone, which had 9 ‘likes’ till reports last came in.

Speed blames Pawar as Brazilian cricketers commit suicide over form failure

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 08:59:23 +0000

Brasilia, Brazil. At least five local cricketers are reported to have committed suicide in the last couple of days allegedly after losing their form earlier this season. While the local police is still investigating the matter, former ICC CEO Malcolm Speed has blamed Sharad Pawar, the new President of ICC, for inducing suicidal tendencies among the poor cricketers. Speed even predicted further waves of suicides by cricketers under the presidency of Pawar.

“This is just the beginning that Mr. Pawar has brought with himself. I would not be surprised if more cricketers from the poor affiliate members of ICC are driven to commit suicide in the next two years.” Malcolm Speed said, directly attacking Pawar for the first time after he expressed his displeasure with the rejection of ex-Australian Prime Minister John Howard for the post of ICC Vice-President.

Sharad Pawar is seen here trying his abracadabra effect on international cricket, after executing the same on Indian agriculture

Although he refused to explain his remarks, experts believe that Speed was referring to the spate of suicides by poor farmers in India, under the regime of Sharad Pawar as the Union Agriculture Minister of India, after they faced crop failures.

“Speed’s concerns are not completely unfounded. The kind of expertise Mr. Pawar has shown as a cabinet minister for food in India doesn’t bode well for the ICC, especially for the poorer members of the council.” a cricket columnist wrote, drawing parallels between agriculture and cricket.

“Results in both cricket and agriculture depend heavily on rains and soil conditions, while the final produce is never sold directly by the party toiling on the field; middlemen call the shots in both the places. Furthermore, use of technology in both the fields has failed to keep up with the modern innovations.” the columnist noted the stark similarities between cricket and agriculture, arguing that the performance of Sharad Pawar as ICC President could indeed prove similar to his performance as Indian Agriculture Minister.

Meanwhile, Associação Brasileira de Cricket, the official governing body of cricket in Brazil and an affiliate member of ICC, has refused to elaborate upon the reasons of suicide by its players, but it confirmed that the cricketers were indeed going through a bad form on field.

“One of them was wicketkeeper, whose performance was worse than Kamran Akmal’s, while two of them, aspiring pacers, were bowling worse than Ishant Sharma in IPL3. Two others wanted to become all-rounders, but they couldn’t match even Ravindra Jadeja.” a local cricketer recalled.

With this latest controversy over the cricketers’ suicides, the affiliate and associate members of ICC are in state of panic and are not sure if they should openly revolt against the presidency of Sharad Pawar.

“True, we are pretty much concerned over the future of cricket and cricketers in our country, but what can we do? We don’t have veto powers in ICC. We don’t even follow Lalit Modi on twitter. Maybe we’d dump cricket altogether and play baseball.” a member of Associação Brasileira de Cricket said on conditions of anonymity.

Police hunts Rahul Gandhi lookalike eating food at dalit homes

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 08:05:15 +0000

Lucknow. In the last couple of months, dozens of dalit families in various villages of Uttar Pradesh have been duped of their valuables and kilos of cooked food after a person claiming to be Rahul Gandhi stayed with them and ate it all. These families, who now feel like fools, have lodged an FIR against this unidentified man resembling a lot with the General Secretary of Congress.

“We have received numerous complaints in this regard and are looking into the matter. It seems to be the work of a conman, who has been targeting his prey very systematically.” Karamvir Sigh, state DGP said, further informing that the conman never used to visit the same village or any of the adjacent villages in the same month.

The afflicted families report that the Rahul Gandhi lookalike would usually drop by their village late in the night along with 3-4 of his friends, who acted like his sycophants and goaded the villagers to assemble together and welcome the Yuvraaj.

“We had heard that Rahul Gandhi usually made sudden and surprise visits to dalit homes, so we never suspected any foul play.” said Manjan Ram, who lost two kilos of rice, pulse and potatoes as he happily cooked food for the fake Rahul Gandhi.

Victims reaffirm that the food eating person actually looked like Rahul Gandhi and didn’t wear any mask, as was initially suspected by the police

“His friends didn’t eat much but they took away photo copy of our raashan card, saying they would help us get more raashan. They also said that Rahulbaba would like to remember us and took away an old saaree of my wife and a dhoti of mine.” he rued as he had volunteered to host fake Rahul Gandhi the night his gang arrived in his village.

The next morning Manjan Ram and his family eagerly awaited journalists to arrive in their village and visit their home to cover Rahul Gandhi’s overnight stay. Manjan didn’t go to fields for work that day and skipped a day’s wage to appear on television and in newspapers. But his efforts went in vain.

Slowly his co-villagers started laughing at him and making fun of him, which made Manjan go red in rage, and he decided to travel to Lucknow office of Congress seeking an explanation. There he was informed that the real Rahul Gandhi had not made any trip to his village yet and suggested him to register himself in the office if he wanted to host the real Rahul Gandhi.

“I was getting mad. I straightaway went to the police station and lodged a complaint.” Manjan said, incidentally not the only person to have done so, as the state police received at least eight more similar complaints in the next couple of weeks, suggesting a planned conspiracy to dupe unsuspecting dalits.

State Congress has termed it as a political conspiracy to defame the party and sully the image of Rahul Gandhi among the dalits and has demanded a CBI inquiry into the incident, while the ruling BSP has blamed Congress for the mess.

“I have been asking Yuvraaj of Congress to submit his travel details in advance, but he never heeded. Something like this was waiting to happen. I won’t’ be surprised if some congress workers are involved in looting the dalits by using name of their Yuvraaj.” BSP chief Kumari Mayawati alleged.

Apart from launching a manhunt to nab the fake Rahul Gandhi, the state government has also issued directives for all dalits in the state to check the identity card of any person claiming to be Rahul Gandhi before offering him or any of his friends any food. Experts believe that once UID cards are issued by the government of India, such incidents will disappear.

If Commonwealth Games were organized in Soviet Russia

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 09:45:25 +0000

We all know that in Soviet Russia, television watches you, car drives you, or trousers wear you, but what if the Commonwealth Games were organized there? Maybe this?

Congress expels Manmohan Singh, but will keep him as PM

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 08:53:16 +0000

New Delhi. In a completely unexpected move, Congress today expelled its Rajya Sabha member and current Prime Minister Manmohan Singh from the primary membership of the party for six years, but the party said that it will let Dr. Singh continue as the Prime Minister of the UPA government.

Party insiders say that the decision was taken to help Congress perform well in the coming state assembly elections.

“We would continue to support the Manmohan Singh government and help him with our group of ministers to do good work for the aam aadmi.” said Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari, referring to the UPA government solely as Manmohan Singh government for the whole duration of the press conference, a first of its kind.

“We would also oppose the decisions of Manmohan Singh government that might be anti-people.” he informed, declaring that Congress was now officially against the hike in petroleum prices and would do everything to convince the Manmohan Singh government to roll it back.

“Our leader Soniaji is looking into this matter.” he added.

Sources say that Congress was mulling over the expulsion of Manmohan Singh for a long time so that they could call themselves just an ‘ally’ of the central government and could enjoy the ‘flexibility’ other allies have enjoyed for long.

“It has got nothing to do with the personality or performance of Dr. Singh.” a congress leader on conditions of anonymity said, adding, “We wanted to get it right for the coming elections in Bihar and Bengal. It pained us to see Mamata Banerjee opposing fuel price hike while we had to sit back in silence just because the Prime Minister belonged to our party. Crap!”

After this expulsion, Congress is planning to hold countrywide demonstrations against the recent hike in petrol prices and burn effigies of Manmohan Singh to reach out to the aam aadmi. The party even updated its website and removed the picture of Dr. Singh from the homepage and replaced it with the following image:

Congress is all set to woo aam aadmi with its pro-people polices

“They would take him back in the party after nine months or so I guess.” BJP leader Jaswant Singh said, reacting to the expulsion of Dr. Singh.

Give a caption to picture of this smart doggie with attitude

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 17:11:21 +0000

While a recent research had claimed that pet dogs were growing dumber due to co-habiting with the human beings, the following picture arguably shows a different image, a really smart dog full of confidence and attitude. Take a look at the picture and let us know what comes first to your mind. A sample caption is given but you can definitely come up with better ones.

Style, attitude, confidence, looks, authority, et al.

(You can also find out what others had to say about the same picture on facebook)

Why do MBA colleges put pictures of random girls on their website?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 11:42:16 +0000

Monsoon might not have arrived yet in many parts of the country, but it’s raining free laptops for students who want to take admission in any MBA course. Various business schools are trying to woo prospective students by all means, one of which includes putting up pictures of attractive girls on their websites. It’s not clear what do business schools want to convey through this step.

This week’s Sunday Magazine tries to find out why do business schools put up random pictures of girls, most of whom are models, on their websites. Do they consider the future managers to be smitten with physical beauty? Do they really hire beautiful support staff? Do they discriminate against people who might not be good looking? Find all such vital questions answered:

Sunday Magazine of Faking News dated 27 June 2010

American Church appoints first ever openly Hindu bishop

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 16:50:55 +0000

South Carolina, USA. A local church here has ordained a 55-year-old man named Bobby Haley as a bishop, raising a lot of eyebrows as Bobby is considered to be openly Hindu by most of the people. While the church has justified its move, arguing that it demonstrated the growing tolerance and acceptance for people belonging to the minority groups among the American Christians, others have termed the step ‘ridiculous’.

“If we hadn’t enough gays becoming bishops, now we have a Hindu bishop too. Are we living in a real world?” wondered Sandra Palin, a local community leader and a devout Christian, who feared that ‘false prayers’ by Bobby could spell doom for the community.

Many others supporting Palin over the issue have asked the local church committee to immediately repeal the ordinance appointing Bobby as bishop else they would stop supporting them through their donations. The community is meeting this Sunday to discuss future steps and could ask the committee to express regret for causing deep pain to the local Christians.

Hindus are increasingly being accepted in the USA, many believe

On the other hand, some Hindu groups like Hindu American Foundation (HAF) have lauded the appointment of Bobby as bishop, although they regretted that Bobby was rather restraining his feelings towards cows as just ‘love’ when he should have declared his reverence for them.

“We hope he comes out of the closet one day and declares his Hinduness more openly.” an HAF representative told Faking News, “say, he lights up the church for Diwali?”

Such statements have riled the groups opposed to the appointment of Bobby even further. But despite being in the center of a controversy and facing flak for its move, the church has refused to back off.

“Bobby has shown full commitment to the Christian faith and is also a patriotic American. Yes, he is openly Hindu and loves cows, but it’s alright, The Bible doesn’t prohibit bovine love.” Catherine Robinson, the head bishop of the local church said, who had earlier supported appointment of gay bishops.

Catherine also called upon the local community members to learn to live with different approaches to sexuality, spirituality and Christianity. In fact, she went on to announce that her church could even bless Hindu-Hindu marriages in future.

The man at the center of the controversy, Bobby Haley, too has defended his appointment and has claimed that he thoroughly deserved the post and the honor bestowed upon him through this act.

“I accept Jesus Christ as my savior and I consider Iran as my enemy.” declared Bobby amid applauses from a crowd gathered to celebrate his appointment.

“And yeah, I love cows.” he added, underscoring his Hinduness.