Lahore, Pakistan. Faking News can confirm media reports that Al-Qaida is planning to plant bombs in toys destined for British toy shops this Christmas. However, the plot is a complex combination of business and terror.
This reporter attended the launch of the Baby Jihadi action figure “Armed Ahmed” at a market in Lahore. “Ahmed” is 20cm high, made of plastic and wears a tiny flammable vest made of phosphorus. He wears a face mask and has a beard. Each “Ahmed” doll costs Al-Qaida $0.50, rather than the years of brainwashing usually required to train a suicide bomber.
“We have to be clever nowadays,” said Abdul, hiding behind a thick beard, “now that Osama has moved to a trailer park in Nebraska we’re short of cash. We see the toy business as the perfect way to combine money making with international terrorism. Look at that guy who’s always trying to kill action man, bet he sells loads.”
Every “Armed Ahmed” is designed to detonate at 12:01AM on 25th December. “Ahmed’s” electronic voice box will proclaim “praise god” in Mandarin before the toy jihadi ignites. “We’re aiming to take out all the other presents under the Christmas tree,” explained Abdul, “Action Man, Barbie, Lego… and all those well-marketed plastic tools of Satan will melt and the children will cry,” he added bursting into laughter and rubbing his hands together.
“Ahmed” would then join his allotted “40 packaged Barbies” in heaven. Faking News pointed out that Ahmed would have already melted all the Barbies, but we were told “not to ask questions”.
“Ahmed” is being manufactured by Xanadu Industries somewhere in China, which explains the felt-tip beards added by Abdul and his associates at their safe house. “We’ve gone through 100 black pens drawing his beard on,” said Sayeed, “the other night we were out of black so some of the models have red beards, oh well, maybe it’ll remind the British of the IRA.”
“Sleeper cells” in Manchester, Birmingham and London will package the “Ahmed” action figures in My Little Pony boxes and sneak them into toy shops. “I had to buy 1,000 My Little Pony figurines,” said Tariq, Abdul’s Manchester contact, “I had to buy them individually to avoid arousing suspicion. It was difficult as a full grown man. Eventually I ran out of excuses. First I said they were for my daughters, but after the twentieth one the shop assistant must have thought ‘hmm, he has a lot of daughters, even for a Pakistani’, so I started saying that I just liked them.”
Although, Tariq admits that explaining the presence of 1,000 pink horse figurines in his one bedroom flat to his friends may be as hard as explaining a bathtub full of chemicals to the police.
Faking News called someone in England for comment. “Does it really burn all the Christmas presents?” asked Tracy from Colchester, “Sounds great! Last year Darren got me a frying pan and a pair of socks. This year I’d rather just let it all go up in smoke; at least I wouldn’t have to look pleased. Plus, he always burns the Christmas dinner anyway, so it’d be in keeping with tradition.”
However, Faking News can reveal that the launch of the “Ahmed” doll has not gone unnoticed. Flame retardant wrapping paper has come onto the market in the US. “Bollocks,” said Abdul, “we’ll have to launch a “Ahmed and his Explosive Car” version to get through that.”
Abdul had tried to send an “Ahmed” doll to President Obama, who is currently in India, but was told that the President “only played with G.I Joe”.
The entry in the toy market may not be the last business venture from the group better known for traditional bomb-based terror. “We plan to launch a beer too,” explained Abdul, “it’ll be non-alcoholic, of course, but we’ll market it as ‘super strong’ that will ruin a few foreigner parties.”