Saturday, 22nd February, 2020


Nations agree to cut down on global fart for a better tomorrow

03, Dec 2009 By Pagal Patrakar

Copenhagen, Denmark. With just about four days to go before the United Nations Climate Change Conference begins at the Bella Center here, a major breakthrough has been achieved with the top nations of the world agreeing in principle to cut down on global fart for a healthier and cleaner world. A joint-statement at the end of the Copenhagen summit on 18th December will detail out the steps that ought to be taken for this purpose.

“No, it’s not the cow farts that we are talking here; It’s the fart created by human beings that we realize has to be controlled for the sake of our climate, economy and our overall well-being.” Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) clarified, adding, “Global warming is a very real threat, but global fart too has been increasingly becoming unbearable. We have received a lot of complaints from professionals and younger generation and we deem that the threat is real.”

Mr. Pachauri further informed that a “Global Fart Index” would be maintained by the IPCC to measure and monitor the level of global fart created by different societies, based upon which the nations would be asked to curb their fart creating activities on a regular basis. Pachauri refused to divulge further details and asked the journalists to wait till 18th December for the joint-statement, but the news has set off a barrage of speculations.

Corporate meeting for taking business decisions are often accused of creating global fart
Corporate meeting for taking business decisions are often accused of creating global fart

“I guess the steps (to curb global fart) will impact both the public as well as the private sector. The worst hit could be the consulting companies across the world. In India, I believe the government will have to go slow on creating more IIMs and the frequency of corporate meetings would also need to go down. I’m sure these factors would be accounted for in the Global Fart Index.” Ankit Padnis, a green consultant said.

Experts believe that the number of conferences and summits on various international issues like climate change, human rights, poverty alleviation, nuclear disarmament, economic recovery, etc. could drastically go down in order to cut down global fart. Experts also believe that a market could emerge around the global fart activities on the lines of the carbon credit emission markets.

“It would be ironic that an attempt to cut down on global fart could actually temporarily increase the activities adding to it. I can foresee financial instruments like Fart Futures and Options up for trading in emission markets. I just hope there is no Global Fart Crisis due to defaults on these instruments.” Padnis said.

While experts are busy debating the possibilities, common people have received the news with unmatched enthusiasm. People hope that they would get to breathe in a cleaner environment and have a clearer picture of most of the things around them once the nations take effective steps to cut down global fart.

“My life can become far better if I get lesser fart and more substance, but not shit mind you, from my boss and our government. I just hope this thing is for real and not just a global fart as well.” Vijay Godyal, Global Business Manager in HCL hoped, as he rushed back to finish a report, to be submitted to his boss by tomorrow morning, on consumer behavior of unemployed housewives while playing computer games.