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“Census worker asked me my bust size, what will they do with this data?”

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 21 May 2010 11:14:16 +0000

Dear Pagal,

Yesterday afternoon I was visited by two young men who claimed they were census workers and wanted my responses for the census data. Being too excited to tell them my caste as “Indian”, I straightaway let them inside my house even though I am a single working woman. They asked the basic details like my name, date of birth, permanent residence, annual income, and went on into specifics like if I had a two-wheeler or I used a western toilet. Seriously, what do they do with such data?

I was waiting so eagerly for the caste question but oddly they never asked it. But what was the oddest in the whole experience was when they asked my bust size. I was like – excuse me? And they replied in nonchalant way, “yeah, like 33, 36, 34, etc., you know in inches.”

I was shocked, even offended, but kept my cool as I had seen many hoardings over bus-stops asking citizens of India to cooperate with the census staff. Some people had even told me that I could be penalized if I refused to answer any question. So I answered that rather offensive question, after which those guys smiled, thanked me, and went away.

But I still can’t understand why the government needs this data. Can you please let me know?

(name withheld on request)

A census enumerator after finishing the interview

Oh dear!

I guess you would soon see yourself in some funny YouTube video or one of those many just-for-gags television shows. Or if you were fortunate, you just survived some sex offender! To the best of my knowledge, the guys who visited you were not census workers, better known as enumerators, but were either some con guys, TV guys, or simply sick guys.

I don’t blame you, but as always I’d blame the media and the government, who have put the focus on the caste issue and have forgotten to brief the citizens properly over the whole census process. The government and the media have to understand that census can be used by many people, apart from the government itself, to carry out their selfish propaganda.

Fulfilling its responsibility as a socially responsible media organization, Faking News herby lists some of the important things that you should know about census of India and save yourself from being duped:

Don’t let anybody walk into your house without checking their identity cards if they say they are census enumerators. Most probably they would be ugly in looks. The identity cards, not necessarily the enumerators. Also, they don’t come in groups, only one enumerator will visit your house.
Don’t give away photocopies of any of your documents like proof of date of birth, residence etc. The enumerator won’t ask for any proof for your responses. If they ask for any documental proof, most probably they are planning to apply for credit cards in your name.
Now that you know that no proof would be sought, don’t be tempted to lie or brag while answering any question. If you use state transport buses to go to your office, don’t tell them you hire AC cabs. The data would never be made public on individual level, so what’s the point?
It’s true that you could be penalized for refusing to answer a question, and it’s unfortunate that they never consult the civil society over the content of census questionnaire, but some questions are not yet part of the questionnaire e.g. your bust size, or even your sexual preferences even though homosexuality is no longer a punishable offence.
Use your common sense before answering, e.g. a census enumerator can surely ask if someone is pregnant in the family, but he or she has no business asking how and where did the member got pregnant. Similarly, they can ask about number of western or Indian toilets, but not whether you take a look at it before you flush.
Familiarize yourself with the questionnaire. Perhaps no media organization gave you this information, but here is the link of what a census questionnaire might look like. Try to go through the link, even though the server could be down as it’s hosted by the government (took us half an hour to retrieve it).
Still, if you don’t want to answer a question, you could claim that it hurts your religious or cultural sensitivity. Tell the enumerators that you find the questions provocative and offensive. It works; e.g. it is no longer necessarily for the head of the family to name the female members of his family as it was deemed to be against the customs of some communities.
Census enumerators normally don’t smile. They are pissed off with their job and they want to be over with their task as soon as possible. So take a close look at the body language of the enumerators.
When the census interview is over, the enumerators would make a sign outside your residence. Look carefully. It should not read “Pwned”. If so, inform the police or write to us.

I hope it helps and I pray that your experience with those fake census workers doesn’t come back to haunt you. By the way, what was your answer?

Yours truly,
Pagal Patrakar.

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“I want to run naked in my office all over and shock my boss”

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 08:58:59 +0000

Dear Pagal,

I’ve been thinking of writing to you for over couple of months now, but was unsure if I should. But now, I just can’t take it anymore and I feel I must ask you for your advice for one of the things I desperately want to do before I die – I want to streak naked through my office.

Yes, you may find it strange and maybe even pervert, but this is what I really want to do. In the last couple of months, I’ve felt a strong desire to do so, especially after meetings with my boss. My dumb boss gives me some absolutely vague instructions and asks me to meet some absolutely ridiculous deadlines. This leaves me distraught, sitting with my head resting down on my arms on the desk as I look down on the floor with utter dismay. And then this strong urge runs through my senses.

I simply want to take off all my clothes and throw them in the cubicles around me. Then I imagine myself jumping on my desk, stark naked, and beating my chest like a gorilla while making gorilla-like noises. I also imagine myself running all over the office and then barging into my boss’ cabin by kicking the door open. I want to see him shocked as I suddenly start shaking my privates in front of him before running away from his cabin by banging the door closed on his face.

I desperately want to do it and shock the hell out of my boss. Please advise me how to pull this though.

(name withheld on request)

Dear Brother,

New research suggests employees should come naked to office at least one day to improve morale and team spirit

First of all, don’t at all think that your desires are strange or pervert in any way. Believe me, this is absolutely normal! Streaking and streakers are not new to the modern society and you must have seen many of them, especially during sporting events abroad. Streaking has been found to mollify strong human urges and it can help a person lead a normal life again. In fact, latest research shows that office stripping can improve team spirit and employee morale!

I myself had felt like streaking during boring lectures in my college, but I could never muster enough courage to do that. The result was that I started hating that subject and the assignments. I’m sure many of the students, cutting across institutional lines, would agree with me. I believe and demand that the Minister for Human Resource Development should allow one streaking per session in all the institutions, including IITs and IIMs, just like ICC allows one bouncer per over in the game of cricket.

Nevertheless, the naked truth of the matter is that there are many problems with streaking in the Indian society as of now, and all of us must evaluate our options before taking our clothes off.

The biggest challenge is of facing legal consequences after the act. Since your office neither enjoys the privileges of the Parliament nor can it be deemed as a private place, you could be booked under laws preventing obscenity in public places. The act of shaking your privates before your boss could especially be deemed obscene by the courts, even though it was done with no obscene intents. But I guess there is a catch here.

You should ask for legal opinion from a lawyer if the “cabin” of your boss, especially if it’s covered with curtains and is well insulated from public view, is a “public place” under the definition of the obscenity and privacy laws. Because I guess your boss might be doing many stuff behind those curtains and invariably many of those could be obscene acts, but surely he has never been booked, ain’t it? So there you go, I guess a lawyer can help you run naked.

But I am not completely taking my hands off giving any tips or advices to you. Once your lawyer gives a green signal for streaking, please do keep in mind the following factors:

If there are some minors working in your office, don’t try it at all, as you’d definitely be booked for obscenity (although your office too would be booked for employing child labor). Make sure only adults work and visit your office.

Rehearse streaking and shaking your privates at your house before you try it in your office. Maybe ask your flatmates (whom you can really trust) or your wife to observe you and ask for their honest feedback.

Never ever streak if you happened to have an erection while the trial run in your house. You could be shamed forever. No matter what your actual size was, people would always taunt you for having a small tool.

If your trial run went real well, try to take some adults working in your office in confidence so that later they can testify in a court of law. Also make sure nobody trips you or tries to catch you as you embark upon your mission.

Don’t wear underwear on the D-Day and wear clothes that can be ripped off in a jiffy, say cargos and overcoats. Let it look like genuine streaking and not a sensuous striptease, as you again could be shamed for life and forced to become a gigolo.

Finally, makes sure your act doesn’t hurt anybody’s religious sentiments. Make sure your office doesn’t have any pictures of gods and goddesses or other such stuff and take off any religious symbols that you might be wearing. In our secular country, we must respect all faiths.

Once you are done with these stuffs, you are ready to run naked and make a statement. All the best and please do write back to us whenever you accomplish this feat.

(If something is bugging you and your life seems all fucked up, don’t worry, Ask Pagla! Send in your queries to askpagla@fakingnews.com and get solutions to all problems of your life)

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“Why are BJP leaders going for Shastra Puja on Dussehra?”

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:18:57 +0000

Dear Pagal,

On this Dussehra, I saw two BJP Chief Ministers, Narendra Modi of Gujarat and Shivraj Singh Chouhan of Madhya Pradesh, performing Shastra Puja (weapon worship). Although I’m told that this is an age old tradition, though performed with modern weapons these days, I’m a bit confused why BJP leaders are going for weapons over gods and goddesses? Do you have any idea why is it so?

Bihari from Lucknow.

Dear Bihari,

It’s a very different kind of question from the ones we normally receive such as tips on how to propose to the neighbor’s daughter. This one is different, so let’s try to find out an answer to your question.

We keep on hearing from BJP supporters and opponents that the party has forgotten Lord Rama. So what we did was that we took a picture of Lord Rama and removed the lord himself. And look for yourself what is left with you when you ignore Lord Rama.

Learning without the lord

Gold Crown – without the lord, it’s just a desire for wealth and political power

Garland – without the lord, it’s just a desire for victory and fame

Saffron Cloth – without the lord, it’s just a symbol of a lifeless culture.

Bow & Arrow – without the lord, they are just weapons.

I hope it answers your question “why BJP leaders are going for weapons over gods”, and it’s not just about weapons you see.

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“How can I dump my current girlfriend for a bigger busted girl?”

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:52:17 +0000

How can I get rid of her?

Hi Pagal,

I have a girlfriend with whom I’ve been going around for around three years now. She wants us to get married now but I want to wait for some more time. Frankly, I’ve got in touch with another girl recently and she has bigger boobs than my present girlfriend. This newer and bigger girl says she loves me and won’t mind marrying me.

So I was wondering how do I tell my older girlfriend about our relationship being over. Can you please help me Pagal?

(a brother from Chandigarh)

PP answers: Dear Brother,

I am actually ashamed to call you a brother. Should I call you bra-ther? I mean what the hell man! You want to dump your girlfriend because you could find another girl with bigger boobs? Yes, it’s not strange for men to be attracted to big boobs, but such things (dumping someone for having smaller breasts) are not yet acceptable in our society. This doesn’t even make sense.

I know crackpots like you think that just like homosexuality was accepted by society, your kind of sexuality would also be accepted because boob-berserks like you are larger in population than gays. But note the difference – you guys are ‘perverts’ not ‘peculiar’. So don’t even think that you can get away with crap like this.

And how would you have felt if your ‘smaller’ girlfriend dumped you for some guy with bigger tube? Will you take that kindly? And then brother, there is no end to this race. You can always find another girl with even bigger boobs, will you keep on dumping girls like this?

And if that logic doesn’t convince you and you are steadfast with your bigger-the-better ideology then let me warn you brother, it’s not even safe.

Big Boss is watching

Faking News has confirmed reports that the government is using big busted women to spy on suspicious characters, say terrorists, Maoists or workers of the opposition party. You would be shocked to know that the big boobs that you are currently attracted to could be just a sham to cover secret spying and prying tools.

Those big busts in you newer girlfriend could actually be containing hi-tech silicon chips that would record all your words and actions when you would be with her. Those nipples would have a secret mini webcam, a hidden camera you would be willingly exposing yourself to! You don’t even know what you are getting into.

One night you would be all sloshed up and sharing your deepest secrets with her and some government officer will be watching, listening and recording all that stuff live and exclusive. He could as well put all those stuff on youtube and then Faking News will put them in Video Gallery. Do you want that to happen? You might be falling in a boobtrap. Careful brother.

(If something is bugging you and your life seems all fucked up, don’t worry, Ask Pagla! Send in your queries to askpagla@fakingnews.com and get solutions to all problems of your life)

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“I enjoy masturbating a lot, am I a gay?”

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 05:52:10 +0000

Help Needed

Hi Pagal,

I have read it at many places that masturbation is neither a sin nor bad for health, but still I have some concerns regarding it. I feel that when you masturbate, you are basically giving sexual pleasures to yourself. In other words, you are having sex with yourself. This in turn means that you are having sex with a person of same gender (unless you are a transgender). So here is my problem. If I’m not a transgender and I masturbate frequently, am I a gay?

(a confused brother from Kanpur)

PP answers: Hi brother, thanks for writing. But I am not sure what is bothering you. Are you worried that you masturbate frequently and it could negatively impact you? Or are you worried that you could be a gay? Don’t mix both of these concerns. There are many men who masturbate and it has got nothing to do with them being a transgender or a gay.

Let me assume that you are worried about frequency of your masturbating habits. You haven’t mentioned the frequency hence I would not be able to comment over this. But I would still advise you not to overdo it, say over seven times a day. It can either atrophy your penis or cause paralysis to your hands. Both of these are not desirable in normal course.

Let us now come to your second possible concern i.e. of you being a gay. These days being a gay is actually not a concern, but you might be an old fashioned man, so let me still deal with it.

The frequency of your masturbating practice is not sufficient enough information to verify if you are a gay. But some of the facts related to your masturbation habits can help you diagnose you gayness. Ask yourself, do you masturbate in some of the following situations?

When you remember your best friend (male human being) from college.
When you see pictures of John Abraham.
When you come out of bathroom and get turned on seeing yourself naked in the mirror.

Your gayness could be ‘severe’, ‘significant’ and ‘subtle’ respectively if your answer is ‘yes’ to one of these questions. In case you answered ‘yes’ more than once, your correct gayness intensity is the one corresponding to the first affirmative answer.

If you turn out be a gay, don’t worry, these days it’s not supposed to be sick, criminal or corrupt. But for some reason if you want to get rid of your gayness, you should practice yoga as prescribed by Baba Ramdev.

(If something is bugging you and your life seems all fucked up, don’t worry, Ask Pagla! Send in your queries to askpagla@fakingnews.com and get solutions to all problems of your life)

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