Faking News » Crime

Indian shoplifters welcome decision to allow FDI in retail

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:54:48 +0000

New Delhi. Indian shoplifters have wholeheartedly welcomed the government decision to allow FDI in retail sector and are looking to steal as many costly products as possible when international retail chains such as Walmart open their stores in India. The shoplifters are confident that they can work around the anti-theft devices and system of these stores and use their own desi jugaad to run away with stolen goods.

“We are eagerly looking forward to the new bakras arriving,” Chhedi Laal, a shoplifter who has already stolen goods worth at least 10,000 rupees this year from different shopping malls, couldn’t hide his excitement when Faking News asked for his views on FDI in retail.

Chhedi claimed that he hadn’t bought toothpaste, razors, or batteries for over three years now as he has been stealing those from various shopping malls without getting caught. He is now aiming higher with FDI in retail being allowed.

Indian shoplifters say they are ready to face competition from international retail chains

“This is incredible India, and we will show them how incredible it is,” Chhedi said, as he vowed to shoplift a brand new home theatre system from Walmart, if and when it opens its branch in his locality.

Similar sentiments were echoed by many other shoplifters and kleptomaniacs, who thought that big retail stores were always more conducive for filching products.

“The local kirana guys are too smart,” revealed Sheetal, who had a three hour fight with her local kirana shopkeeper earlier this week, “I tried to hide a Head & Shoulders (shampoo) sachet when he was trying to pull out a sack of Aashirvaad aata (wheat flour), but the bugger noticed it and tried to humiliate me. These guys know the tricks and are not easy to fool. Walmart will surely be a better experience.”

Sheetal, otherwise an atheist who was born Hindu, is planning to shop in Walmart wearing a burqa and steal a hair dryer and make-up kit. She is planning to accuse the foreign store of not respecting local and religious sentiments if they try to remove the veil and strip-search her.

According to industry experts, Indian shoplifting industry is very fragmented and disorganized right now, but the situation could change post FDI in the retail sector.

“We expect organized retail crime to shape up as these shoplifters could join hands, as it happens in many western countries,” an expert predicted.

Car and bike thieves return vehicles after taking out petrol

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 05:54:02 +0000

New Delhi. Residents of Malviya Nagar here were pleasantly surprised this morning when they were informed that their vehicles, which were stolen a couple of days back, had been recovered with all the accessories intact. But their happiness was short-lived as they soon discovered that the thieves had taken out the most important accessory of their vehicles – petrol. It seems that thieves had voluntarily returned the vehicles after taking out petrol.

“We received an anonymous phone call this morning where the caller told us to close the case of theft of 15 cars and 35 motorcycles from Khirki Extension that took place on Wednesday night. The caller asked us to visit the newly opened Ambedkar Park in Noida where we found all these vehicles intact,” local sub-inspector Himmat Singh informed.

Happiness level of car owners plummeted when they saw such signs

Once the owners of the stolen cars and bikes showed up to take back their vehicles, police proceeded to close the case of theft, but the residents objected to the move once they realized that petrol was missing from their vehicles.

“They asked us to continue our investigations and find out who stole their petrol,” Himmat Singh recalled the events this morning, “But that was out of the scope of this particular case. The FIR was about stolen vehicles and they were recovered intact; so the case was closed from our side.”

After hours of heated exchanges with the police, the angry residents asked the police to register another FIR about stolen petrol. However, even this demand was rejected by the police.

“The crime didn’t take place in our area,” Himmat Singh argued, “The vehicles were found in Noida, which is in another state; so how can these people be sure that petrol was taken out in Delhi itself and that too in Malviya Nagar? How can thieves drive the vehicles to Noida if petrol was taken out in Delhi?”

“Furthermore, how do they expect us to recover the stolen petrol?” a visibly upset and frustrated Himmat Singh told Faking News, “Unlike vehicles, petrol doesn’t come up with a number plate! And what if their cars also had pizzas and thieves ate them? We are not supposed to investigate who ate the pizzas when the FIR talks about stolen vehicles!”

Experts believe that with petrol prices going up every second month, such incidents could rise in future as thieves could see more value in selling petrol than selling dismantled car or bike accessories.

“This is not work of any thief, we suspect the police to be involved in this,” an angry resident, whose car was recovered this morning, told Faking News, “Government is stealing petrol from us!”

Man attempts suicide after badly missing telemarketing SMS

GenuineFaker — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 09:27:16 +0000

Gurgaon. Local resident Ramesh Kumar attempted suicide yesterday by jumping from his 3rd storey balcony. He is now recovering at home from minor bruises and a fracture of the forearm. In his latest tweet to his two followers on twitter, he has specifically blamed telemarketers who failed to send him one single SMS for the last two whole days.

Sources report that Ramesh has been battling extreme feelings of unwantedness ever since his ex-girlfriend left him four months ago and stopped forwarding him cute romantic couplets on SMS. When he lost his job two months ago, and along with it his inability to treat his ‘friends’ to movies every Friday, he stopped receiving non-veg jokes and bad shaayari from them. Since then, the only highlight of his day used to be the beep of his phone letting him know a telemarketing SMS had arrived.

One of the SMSes found on Ramesh’s mobile phone by police

Dr. Prakash Jain, noted psychiatrist treating him, told Faking News that SMSes formed a very important emotional support system for Ramesh. This was especially true after his Facebook statuses stopped getting any ‘Like’s or comments from his 63-odd friends. Some were cruel enough to actually remove him from their ‘connections’ on LinkedIn.

Ramesh also tried other forms of interaction with the world but “the uncaring world stopped responding to him,” his suicide note says. He sent song requests for “Tum Gaye Sab Gaya” from Maachis to various radio channels, but none played it.

He also did not get any call back from Radio One allowing him to win 100 liters of petrol. Even Uncleji of Radio City did not read any of his SMS jokes on air.

Ramesh used to especially relish reading each and every SMS from builders in Greater Noida, enjoying the fact that some people were even more desperate than him, Dr. Jain notes. Last one month saw him turning into an expert in various water-purification systems and life insurance policies.

The sudden absence of telemarketing SMSes is “appalling and unacceptable,” according to Airtel’s Chief Marketing Manager, Sandeep Guha. “We are currently finding out who is responsible for not sending SMSes to Mr. Ramesh about our latest and greatest ‘Rs 15 per month for Useless Cricket Trivia’ package and ‘Rs 4 per minute Live Bhajans from Saas Bahu ka Mandir’ plan.”

Faking News heard from Constable Happy Yadav (name changed on request) that the police are not ruling out foul play. While it is difficult to imagine who could take an interest in a sad sack as sad as Ramesh, he said, there is someone who hates his guts and got his number registered into DND two days ago.

Adarsh Housing Society building goes missing from Mumbai

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 14 May 2011 13:00:28 +0000

Mumbai. Barely a few hours after important papers related to Adarsh Housing Society scam were reported to have gone missing from the Ministry of Environment and Forests office in New Delhi, CBI officials discovered that the whole Adarsh building itself was missing from its place in Mumbai.

The area in Colaba, where the Adarsh Housing building stood tall till now, wore a naked look as there was no trace left of the skyscraper, which was often called the “monument of corruption”.

“We have no idea what happened to the building,” CBI officer Karamchand Tripathi said, throwing up his arms up in frustration, “We tried asking people around but everyone says they didn’t see anything. In fact, many of them don’t even remember the building being here at first place. Public memory is really short!”

Nothing but this signboard, which is also fading away with time, remains of the scam that shook the nation a few months back.

An FIR regarding the incident has been filed in the local police station as officials suspect that the building might have been stolen by anti-social elements. Mr. Tripathi has arrested a couple of rag-pickers for questioning, who were seen loitering around the land where the Adarsh building once stood, but is cynical about the case now.

“Although we found a couple of bricks in their sacks, these guys don’t look like the ones who might have stolen the building,” Tripathi informed about the suspects Raghu, 9, and Karim, 13.

“No Adarsh building exists,” union minister Kapil Sibal confirmed the news, as state and central governments expressed surprise over the disappearance of the building.

“The law will take its own course, we have full faith in the system,” Maharashtra CM Prithviraj Chavan said, and asked people not to worry about such small incidents. “The building could have been ordered to be demolished anyway,” he pointed out.

Experts believe that disappearance of the building could prove to be a turning point in the case as it was an important part of the scam.

“Now that there is no building, it would be hard to prove that there was any scam,” a legal expert said, “While the CM is asking people not to worry, he might have to worry about his post as Ashok Chavan could ask his chair back.”

The legal expert further pointed out that the even if the Parliament passed the Jan Lokpal Bill in its proposed form by the civil society, the accused would still be safe as it’d become almost impossible to prove a scam without any evidence left – neither the papers nor the building.

Sources say CBI could soon file a closure report in the case.

Jobless MBA robs neighbor in hope of landing in Tihar Jail

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 08:49:10 +0000

New Delhi. In hope of getting a handsome campus placement and some wonderful colleagues to hang out with, 25-years-old Mayank Pundit is planning to land in Tihar Jail. Mayank’s career plans were revealed last night when he broke into his neighbor’s house and ran away with three T-shirts and an iPhone. He even raised an alarm himself in order to get arrested by the police.

“I got my MBA degree in 2010 from WLGIIBM in South Delhi but the institute cheated me of everything. I didn’t get any job from their fake campus placements and now I realize that my degree could also be fake,” Mayank said, “Earlier this year I read news reports where Tihar Jail authorities had organized campus placements for the inmates, with some of the inmates getting a starting annual salary of five lakhs! That beats the placement records of 80% of the b-schools in India.”

Future looks good from inside, so thinks Mayank.

Mayank was impressed with the performance of both Tihar Jail inmates and the concerned authorities, whom he felt were more devoted to get their ‘students’ placed than the cunning WLGIIBM authorities, who left him in lurch last year after taking full tuition fees and travel fees for an education tour to Venice for his UGC unapproved MBA.

And once Tihar Jail started getting heavyweight inmates ranging from politicians, bureaucrats, and businessmen, Mayank was dead sure that this is one place in India where he wanted to be.

“Experienced classmates to learn from and guaranteed campus placements to earn from; what else would an MBA student want?” Mayank argued and explained why he broke into his neighbor’s house last night and got arrested.

But it seems Mayank might have to commit a “bigger” crime as he might not be deemed eligible for admission into Tihar Jail for petty theft of T-shirts and mobile phone.

Experts point out that last time a student had an opportunity to professionally network within the Tihar Jail was way back in 2005 when an IIT student was arrested for selling a porn clip on a website and ended up meeting the founder-CEO of the website in the jail. Unconfirmed reports say that the student was later hired by the CEO.

Man under investigation over alleged “fake encounter” with mouse

Simon — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 10:48:05 +0000

Indore. A local man is under investigation following an alleged “fake encounter” that took place in his own home. The incident occurred at approximately 9.34 pm in the kitchen of a family house on the outskirts of the city.

Radhika, both wife of the accused and the principle investigator, reports hearing “two bangs”. Her face wrinkled with disgust as she told Faking News how she rushed to the kitchen to find her husband Ajay, 48, standing over what appeared to be the dead body of a mouse, with a shoe in his right hand.

“This was premeditated,” claims Radhika, “the mouse had left some droppings in his shoes and chewed a hole in his Naman Ojha signed cricket shirt – he hated the poor little creature, so he was looking for an excuse.” Faking News agreed that these were not really crimes at all as freedom of defecation is enjoyed by many in India and the shirt was of no value.

The murdered mouse looked a lot like this one

Radhika has cordoned off a one-meter-square area in the kitchen as a “crime scene”. It is clear from the blood stains on the floor, she says, that the victim was “trying to flee when the fatal blow was struck”. The body was conveniently eaten by a passing cat shortly after the incident. Radhika suspects a conspiracy.

Faking News located the cat in question in a nearby dustbin. However, unwilling to talk and fearing media exposure, the brown and white animal fled the scene by disappearing through a crack in the fence.

Ajay rejects his wife’s claims. He admits administering the blows, but claims self-defense. “It had a look of intent in its eyes,” he said, “it might look small and fluffy but rodents are dangerous – look at the Plague and the mautam in Mizoram, I didn’t want anything like that happening in this house, think of the children.” He then hopped to his scooter; his wife having confiscated his right shoe as “evidence”.

Faking News asked the local police if they would investigate the “fake encounter”, but was told that looking into such things was “not police policy”. Although the officer did remark that getting a cat to eat the body showed “impressive imagination”. Our correspondent then tried to involve several high profile animal charities, but found that they were only interested in tigers (“mice do not need protection”).

Meanwhile filmmaker Apoorva Lakhia, who had earlier directed the movie Shootout at Lokhandwala, is rumored to be basing a new film on the Indore encounter with the same star cast. The lead role of Ajay could be bagged by either Sanjay Dutt or Amitabh Bachchan, while Tusshar Kapoor could play the mouse.

With real estate under politicians’ control, mafia targets womb rentals

Simon — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 08:40:15 +0000

Mumbai. As the Health Ministry attempts to regulate surrogacy, or “wombs for rent”, with the Assisted Reproductive Technologies Regulation Bill, Faking News can reveal that 95% of surrogate mothers in Mumbai are currently “rented” by one man. The figure in question is known only as “Baby Rajora” (due to his youthful unscarred face) is thought to head the “womb mafia”.

“The Adarsh housing thing blew up and brought the babus and politicians into the property sector,” says “Manu”, adjusting his Aviators and turning up the AC in his BMW M5, “so the boss felt that it was time to seek new rental opportunities so he made an.. um… entry.. into the womb market. The government can’t reserve womb space for the Armed Forces.”

Childless couples from foreign countries look for surrogate mothers in India, which has led mafia to dream of earning quick dollars

He explained that the “womb sector” runs on the “traditional business model” involving “supply restriction”. So strict is the supply restriction that if a surrogate mother renting her womb to the mafia gets pregnant, she must pay them rent.

“I really hope this baby is early,” said Meghna, who used to receive Rs.500 per month from the mafia before her unplanned pregnancy with her husband, “I’m paying Rs.750 per month for ‘breach of contract’ and it increases as the baby grows and takes up more rental space. I want a small and sickly baby.”

The activities of the “womb mafia” have not gone unnoticed by Shiv Sena, which held a street protest yesterday.

“This is terrible,” said Sena supporter, Pratibha, “these poor women, someone should stop this, we need regulations, and these surrogate mothers may be forced to bear Punjabi or even Bihari children! Marathi wombs for Marathis!”

However, “Baby Rajora” has a regional equality policy. He often says that he would “rent to a Labrador” if the price was right. Although Baby Rajora claimed that he enjoys good relationships with some politicians, he denied that there was any politician-mafia nexus in the wombs-for-rent market.

“They are my friends and they don’t interfere in my business,” he clarified, though agreed that some leaders like ND Tiwari had shown interest in being surrogate father. “I have no interest in renting any part of him,” he added.

Amidst rising crime, Delhi set to hide women in “safe winter wears”

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 09:33:52 +0000

New Delhi. With women being randomly abducted, raped, and slashed with blades in the national capital, the state government has decided to curb crimes against women by making it difficult for the criminals to spot women in public places. Government has released a set of winter wears that have been termed “unisex” and “safe”, and have asked all the residents, irrespective of their gender, to wear the same.

“Public has to cooperate with us in fighting this menace,” Delhi CM Sheila Dixit said while releasing the specially designed “safe” winter wears, “These clothes are warm and colorful too; even the younger generation would love them.”

The new safe winter wear that all Delhi residents are expected to wear till the government thinks of a better way to fight crime

The safe clothing set is made of thick woolen fabric and covers every part of the body from the head to toe, with a narrow opening at the eyes to let the wearer see the outside world.

It’s been termed “safe” because it cleverly conceals the body contours in a manner that it becomes very difficult for a person to guess the gender of the wearer by looking at the outer shape.

Sources suggest that the designer of this winter wear had took inspirations from Airtel’s new logo and Mukesh Ambani’s new house in Mumbai to come up with a shape that would beat all logic.

“Also, it’s so thick that a blade or any other sharp object can’t penetrate it and injure the wearer; the best a woman or a man can get,” Rohit Gal, the designer added.

Rohit further informed that he had taken utmost care while designing the cloth so that it doesn’t resemble a burqa, as it could put off men from wearing it as well as give BJP another issue to attack the state government.

Care was also taken to make sure that the clothing set doesn’t appear as a glorified monkey-cap, which could have revived the specter of Monkey-man among the Delhi residents.

“The only risk is a criminal identifying a woman by the handbag a wearer could be carrying,” Rohit Gal said, “But that’s not a big challenge, all men in Delhi should start using ladies handbag so that criminals are confused; it’s not difficult, see, I personally prefer using them.”

Towards the end of the clothing set launch event, Delhi CM Sheila Dixit wore the new safe winter wear even as some men in the crowd shouted “Sheila Ki Jawaani”.

Mrs. Dixit reassured that Delhi was safe for women.

Beggars using Wikipedia founder’s picture to swindle money

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 08:20:54 +0000

New Delhi. The begging mafia in Delhi is getting ingenious and keeping with modern times. After using pictures of Hindu gods and goddesses to extract money from the believers, beggars are now using pictures of Jimmy Wales, founder of Wikipedia, and swindling money from internet savvy residents of the national capital in the name of donation to the community driven free web-based encyclopedia.

“I was surprised when this 9-year-old kid knocked on my window and showed me Jimmy’s picture,” Rashi Taneja, a final year MBA student at FMS recalled her experience when she was driving last evening, “Of course I use Wikipedia for my project reports too often and I couldn’t help giving 50 rupees to the kid, who gave a thumbs-up to me as if liking something on Facebook.”

Such pictures of Jimmy are taking people by surprise at traffic lights

It was only later that Rashi realized that she might have been cheated, for an organization like Wikimedia Foundation would never employ child labor and begging tricks for raising funds.

“I was shocked to find out that there was no mention of ‘donating on traffic lights to beggars’ as a way to give money to Wikipedia on their website,” Rashi said, “Oh my god, I guess he was the same kid who had sold me a heart-shaped balloon for 100 rupees on Valentine’s Day.”

The Delhi police have denied any knowledge of the fake Wikipedia donation racket being run by the begging mafia in the city.

“Begging was banned only during the Commonwealth Games,” Ranjeet Sharma, a traffic police constable informed, “we can’t act against them till there is any written complaint against this Jimmy guy. Who is he by the way?”

Unlike the police department, the begging mafia in Delhi has accessed and updated themselves with all the information about Jimmy Wales, and the beggars have been trained to answer any queries by suspecting Wikipedia users.

“His first wife’s name was Pam,” says 13-year-old Suraj designated at India Gate, further adding with a wink, “Not Pamela Anderson if you thought so.”

Ravindar, the kingpin of the begging mafia in Delhi, confirms that the latest “initiative” has returned favorable results and they were all set to take the campaign to the next stage and make it more “impactful”.

“We have ordered Jimmy Wales masks, similar to Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi masks,” informs Ravindar, “our kids would wear them and suddenly appear at the windscreens of cars at traffic lights, just like Jimmy Wales’ picture suddenly loads on a Wikipedia pages currently.”

Chinkara turns hostile in poaching case involving Salman Khan

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 08:45:32 +0000

Jodhpur. A Chinkara deer is believed to have turned hostile in the twelve years old poaching case involving Bollywood actor Salman Khan and his friends, who were accused of illegally hunting and killing an endangered Chinkara, also reported as black buck in some of the news reports. The incident could provide a big relief to Salman Khan, who was earlier sentenced to rigorous imprisonment for five years and later released on bail in the same case.

“Today is a great day for Bollywood. In the morning we came to know that Shiney Ahuja’s maid had retracted her statement about Shiney having raped her, and now the deer has turned hostile in Salman Khan’s case. I hope Sanjay Dutt too checks the status of his appeal for acquittal in the illegal possession of arms case.” said Ram Jhoothmalani, a leading advocate and consulting lawyer for Salman Khan in the poaching case.

“Shakti Kapoor has no rape cases pending against him, right?” Mr. Jhoothmalani tried to check with our reporter, who had no idea about these things.

Earlier today, Mr. Jhoothmalani, after having cross-questioned all the (human) witnesses in the poaching case and nullified their testimonies on technical and legal grounds, won a major victory when he claimed that the last witness, a Chinkara, had turned hostile.

The concerned Chinkara has now gone back to the reserved forest, and is reported to be feeling much better than before

According to sources, a Chinkara, who had survived the hunting but saw his friend being shot dead, was brought to the court as a last ditch attempt by the prosecution to prove the culpability of Salman Khan. Once inside the court, the poor and peaceful deer is reported to have panicked and started romping all over the premises, mildly damaging the court property and injuring some of the people present.

At this point, the judge is believed to have said, “Call the wildlife officials immediately. We need to sedate this animal; it has turned hostile.”

“Point to be noted, my lord!” snap came the rejoinder from Mr. Jhoothmalani, who thus successfully got the witness listed as having “turned hostile” in the case documents.

Various legal experts have hailed the development as a new high in the Indian judicial system and have claimed that there would be long term repercussions of today’s development.

“Since an animal can’t speak, lawyers can’t cross-question it. Animals are also not known to accept bribes to throw away cases. That’s why we had dreaded animals testifying in courts, but now we know what to do.” said a lawyer defending an accused in the Bihar’s fodder scam case.

Meanwhile the court has clarified that Shiney Ahuja jokes or Salman Khan jokes would remain valid even if the cases against them are dismissed. Court will meet again after thirteen weeks for the next hearing.

Railways to delay trains indefinitely to fool waiting dacoits

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 08:15:08 +0000

Patna. Eastern Railways has decided to completely screw up the time table of all the trains passing through Bihar and Bengal to fool dacoits and Maoists waiting in ambush. The decision was taken after two train robberies happened in quick succession in Bihar where armed dacoits looted helpless railway passengers at gun point. Passengers have been advised not to incorporate any train journeys while planning their time-bound engagements.

“With assembly elections round the corner in both the states, we fear train robberies to go up as it could be one of the means of election funding.” a senior staff of Indian Railways told Faking News on conditions of anonymity, hinting at political connections of Maoists and robbers and possible patronage enjoyed by them.

A lot of people travel by Indian Railways daily, making them a lucrative target for the robbers

After various rounds of emergency meetings, which were finally held after three days of multi-directional memo submissions between several sub-departments of the Railways, the officials concluded that the only way to counter the waiting dacoits and Maoists was to avoid them.

“We thought that if we could frustrate them by keeping them waiting in abeyance, they might start looking for targets other than Railways. Same ways as opposition bowlers start targeting batsmen other than Rahul Dravid when he keeps them waiting by blocking their deliveries.” said the chief strategist of Railways, reflecting the somber and serious mood of the discussion and graveness of the problem.

As a result, all the trains, whether carrying commercial goods or human beings, would be running indefinitely late on routes running through Bihar and Bengal with immediate effect, and no one would be able to know or track their movement. Websites like trainenquiry.com and SMS services informing the current status of train movement would be suspended until after the elections in both the states are over.

While the decision is bound to cause a lot of inconvenience to the common man, many people have breathed a sigh of relief at the possibility of reaching their destination with themselves and their belongings in one piece.

But as always, the issue of fund raising for elections has been swept under the carpet.

60 kilos of suspected Monica Bedi recovered from Arthur Road Jail

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:10:53 +0000

Mumbai. Police have till now recovered 60 kilos of what looks like Monica Bedi from a cell in the Arthur Road Jail after investigations began last Saturday with recovery of a ladies undergarment from one of the bathrooms in the jail. The concerned bathroom belonged to the underworld don Abu Salem, who is currently lodged in the same jail as an accused in the 1993 Bombay blasts case.

“We have sent the matter for forensic examination, but prima facie it looked like Monica Bedi.” a jail source said.

Something similar was recovered from Arthur Road jail in Mumbai

Police had started their investigation last Saturday after Abu Salem was allegedly attacked by another don named Mustafa Dossa with a spoon. Since spoon was not a recognized weapon of attack under Indian laws, jail authorities started looking for other weapons and proofs within the premises, leading to the discovery of a push-up bra in Salem’s bathroom.

“If it was biryani, mobiles, or Reid & Taylor suit, we’d not have been surprised, but this was a bit strange for our jail, so we ordered further inquiry.” jail superintendent R R Patil said.

Initially some of the authorities suspected Salem of being a cross-dresser but this likelihood was rejected by the senior officials who were close to Salem and enjoyed friendly relations with him.

“He is not a pervert.” said one of the senior jail officials about Abu Salem.

During course of further investigations, possible weapons of attack like thermos bottle, nail-cutter, dumbbells, etc. were recovered from Salem’s cell but later they were found to have been provided to the don on the orders of a court.

But the investigators were left clueless when they recovered what appeared like Monica Bedi.

“Some of us do provide cigarettes or beedi to the inmates but we had no idea how this Bedi came inside.” said one of the constables on conditions of anonymity.

Man sets a new record by stealing third blanket from Rajdhani Express

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 06:35:42 +0000

New Delhi. 37-year-old Rajesh Kumar left his friends and neighbors in a mix of awe and shock when he announced that he had successfully stolen third blanket from Rajdhani Express, the Air-Conditioned trains of Indian Railways, from as many trips in the last one month. Working as an Area Sales Manager in a submersible pump manufacturing company, Rajesh completed his ‘hat-trick’ while on an official trip to meet a client.

“The attendant counted the stack twice and moved around confused in the coach, but he couldn’t find out the missing blanket in my laptop bag.” giggled Rajesh, as his friends assembled around him this morning to get the vital details of the great train robbery.

Although Rajesh didn’t share the essential tricks of the trade, he did give tips to his friends on how to confound the co-passengers as well as the attendants while making things disappear from their sight. Rajesh has amassed a wealth spanning seven towels, four pillows, six bed-sheets, four thermos-bottles, and numerous tea-kits from his train trips till date.

Rajesh loves the sight of Rajdhani Express

Having perfected the art of pilfering these paraphernalia, now Rajesh aims to rob the railways of assets like the mirrors and ceiling fans.

“It is a big challenge but I’d definitely give it a try next time.” Rajesh announced to his group of friends, who couldn’t stop marveling his towering ambitions.

“Impossible is nothing.” he added.

Rajesh refuses to accept that he is indulging in practices that are essentially criminal. His father used to work in the Indian Railways as a Depot Material Superintendent and Rajesh had been accustomed to seeing Railway property in his house since childhood.

“Even our ancestral house was painted in brick-red and yellow, the two favorite colors used by the Railways to paint every damn thing. Even to this date our house is famously known as ‘rail ghar’ in our village.” Rajesh proudly informs.

His father wanted Rajesh to take up a job in Railways but Rajesh was too interested in working in ‘private sector’ and ended up with a sales job with Om Sai Pump Makers.

“These stuff would have anyway come to my home had I heeded to my father’s advice and took up a job with the Railways. At least now I’m not taking home any salary and helping the Railways save some cost. How is this criminal?” Rajesh put forward his logic, defending his debatable deeds.

Meanwhile, the attendants of Rajdhani Express have confirmed that some blankets had gone missing in the last few weeks, but they denied the possibility of Rajesh being the culprit.

“That saab is nice. He gave us 50 rupees as sewa-paani (tip) last time he traveled.” said Gajraj Singh, the train attendant, adding that he suspected a poor looking guy, who perhaps traveled in an AC coach for the first time, to have committed the crime.

Delhi government to hide criminals behind police uniforms

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 07:56:31 +0000

New Delhi. Delhi government has decided to give police uniforms to criminals operating in the National Capital Region (NCR) to hide them from public view and to boost the visual security of the region. It’s not yet known if the criminals wrapped so under police uniforms would have any obligations to stop criminal activities, but the decision is being termed as a major step towards improving security in NCR.

“Apart from checking criminal activities in the region, it would also make sure that the foreign visitors during the Commonwealth Games get to witness a Delhi that has sufficient security forces in place, something that will allay the fears of terrorist attacks during the Games.” Chief Minister Sheila Dixit justified her government’s move.

Delhi government is confident that this time there would be more people turning up to appear like police than ever before

“It will make us presentable.” she added.

Such camouflaged criminals will be given a basic salary and other benefits currently available to the state police till the time Commonwealth Games are over. Government believes that such incentives will discourage criminals from committing crimes for the duration they are wrapped under police uniforms.

But not many agree.

“These guys are already making much more than what an ordinary policeman makes. Why would they even consider this offer by the government, let alone curbing their primary business after joining?” said Mahipal Singh, a police constable, currently suspended on charges of extorting money from a local sweets shop owner.

There were mixed reactions from criminals of NCR, some of whom thought that the idea was not that bad after all.

“I would take up this offer if they position me inside the commonwealth village where I can see the women athletes in sexy costumes. Monetary compensation would not be any constrain.” said Mimesh, a criminal last arrested for distributing MMS of a MBA student.

Delhi residents too had mixed reactions, with many of them welcoming the move.

“This step will not hide criminals, but on the contrary, will let us know the exact number of criminals in Delhi. At least I’d know the right level of threat now.” said Retd. Col. Nirmal Gupta, a resident of R K Puram who also runs his own private security agency.

“It won’t help me. Every other damn guy in Delhi looks like a criminal to me!” Smita, who recently shifted to Delhi from Mumbai, expressed her frustration.

“What’s new in this move? Wasn’t providing police uniforms to certain people always a move to hide criminals from the public view?” wondered Aashish, a final year B.A. student of Hindu College.

Despite these concerns and cynicism from certain sections, Delhi government is confident of implementing the step and making a considerable difference in the crime rate and level of preparation for the Commonwealth Games in the city.

“It won’t be difficult to identify and select criminals for uniform dissemination, we enjoy good relationships with them.” a Delhi police official said.

Mujrim Jeevandas loses temper, beats judge with plywood

Pagla Ghoda — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 12:30:52 +0000

Chhapra, Bihar. In shocking chain of events, an 85-years-old accused named Jeevandas lost all his control and pounced on the session Judge when the judge announced a new date for another hearing of his case. He apparently tore off a piece of plywood from judge’s desk and started hitting him with that piece. Judge B.M. Dablue, who was badly injured, was taken to a nearby dispensary and was discharged after minor stitches on his back and butts.

Bureau sources have told Faking News that Jeevandas was sued for 25 rupees in 1952 when a bull owned by his family reportedly went on rampage. Jeevandas, barely in his 20s at that time, had grown deeply frustrated since then as his case had been going through hearings after hearings with no result in sight.

Jeevandas has been silently putting up with all the legal bullshit for years till now

“Tareekh pe Tareekh, Tareekh pe Tareekh, mili hai toh sirf ek Tareekh.” a visibly angry Jeevandas shouted slogans against courts and judges when he was taken away from the court premises after the assault.

Later in an exclusive interview to Faking News, he said, “I have spent 2 lakh 50 thousand bucks since 1952 for fighting this case as against the 25 rupee charge on me. But instead of caring for my plight, everyone was in awe with that stupid plywood, which I could tear off even with my old hands.”

The lawyers fighting the case have aged a lot and suffer from speaking and hearing problems, but both of them unequivocally confirmed that Jeevandas’ antics in the court today could cause the case to drag even longer now.

While Jeevandas has been sent to judicial custody for 15 days where fresh charges will be filed against him, the issue has gained a lot of media attention. Jeevandas is now being portrayed as a victim of slow pace of Indian judicial process. The video clip showing Jeevandas tearing off plywood was shown repeatedly in loop as ‘Breaking News’ by various news channels causing huge sensation.

Public support and sympathy for Jeevandas outpoured through social networking websites, even though Shashi Tharoor restrained himself from mentioning the incident on Twitter.

But common users did not restrain themselves, pushing hashtags such as #Jeevandas and #ifihadaplywood trending on Twitter at no.3 and no.5 worldwide, even above tags like #iknowifartedwhen and Justin Bieber. Facebook users too have responded and the page One Million strong for Jeevandas has already mustered 17295 fans.

With the incident gathering so much attention, it seems that the stage is set for people from plywood and Bollywood industries to come together for a noble cause. IPL too could support the cause as there are reports that Jeevandas could be awarded Godfrey Phillips bravery award for beating up the judge. Godfrey Phillips is the company owned by Lalit Modi’s family.

Baba calling babe – Godman caught with callgirls claims he has split personality

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 14:25:40 +0000

New Delhi. Godman Shiv Murat Dwivedi, also known as Ichchhadhari Sant Swami Bhimanand, who was arrested a few days back for running a high profile sex racket, has claimed that he was suffering from schizophrenia i.e. split personality, and had no idea what his evil twin was doing. Following this, his lawyers have moved a petition in Delhi High Court to get the Godman released on medical grounds.

“I am a god fearing celibate saint in my original life, but I have been suffering from this personality disorder for a long time now. In fact, this is the reason why my followers started calling me Ichchhadhari (someone who changes shapes at will).” Dwivedi said in an exclusive interview with Faking News.

Dwivedi also appealed to everyone to watch the latest Bollywood flick Karthik Calling Karthik, where the protagonist named Karthik, played by Farhan Akhtar, had no idea that his own evil twin (a part of his own personality) was calling him and making his life miserable as hell.

A promotional poster of the movie Karthik Calling Karthik. Apparently, Karthik (on left) is calling and talking to himself.

“This evil part in me had been running this sex racket, while I had no idea. Would you sympathize with Karthik or put him behind bars?” Dwivedi argued and pleaded for mercy in his case.

The move has foxed policemen and activists demanding for a law to regulate Godmanship. While the police officials have refused to comment on the latest developments as the matter was now sub-judice, the activists have taken strong objection to the statements by Swami Bhimanand.

“What crap is he talking about? This is just another instance of a celebrity trying to get shifted to a hospital after being locked up in a jail. It’s high time we had jail-like hospitals for high profile criminals where doctors are trained as policemen.” demanded one of the protestors.

Delhi High Court has called for a hearing in this matter on next Monday, which means that the fallen Godman will have to spend this weekend in jail.

Meanwhile, followers of Swami Bhimanand have arranged for special screenings of Karthik Calling Karthik among common citizens to raise awareness about schizophrenia and to prove the innocence of the Godman.

Sensing that this new twist in the tale could save Swami Bhimanand, another fallen Godman Swami Nityananda, who was seen having nice time with a couple of Tamil actresses on television, too has claimed innocence. Talking to our special correspondent Subodh Kolhapure, Swami Nityananda blamed inanity among people for the controversy.

“Common people have failed to realize the duality of the body and the soul. Why can’t people realize that even though the physical body shown in the video was mine, I was not there? I am defined by my soul and my soul was in Switzerland at that time, in high mountains, engaged in contemplative meditation.” Swami Nityananda said, adding, “If you observe carefully the video that was aired by that Sin TV (sic), you would realize how detached even my physical body was in all the action. It is a state difficult to achieve for mere mortals, and inane people have misinterpreted the whole act.”

The Southern Swami also claimed that his body never indulged in any sexual act at all, and whatever was seen on camera should be seen as the actresses’ attempt to unravel the spiritual mystery of life.

“The poor actress had seen all the materialistic side of the world during her acting career and was tired of faking love on the screen. I was teaching her the ultimate union of Yin and Yang – the core message was duality.” explained Swami Nityananda.

It remains to be seen if these duality arguments (dual personality and dual philosophy) can save both the swamis.

Mob assaults youth in train for singing television ad jingle

Master Jhankar Beat — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 13:30:08 +0000

Hyderabad. C. Sailesh, a resident of Ameerpet in Hyderabad, was violently assaulted on board a local train yesterday by a crowd of angry passengers shortly after he decided to stand up from his seat and start singing an ad jingle of a popular new cellular service provider. “DO TWO RUE” was all Sailesh could sing in tune, before the fellow passengers swarmed towards him and started punching him.

Mild mannered Sailesh, a student of applied botany at Karimnagar Central University, has been admitted at Osmania General Hospital with multiple hairline fractures in the ribs and several broken teeth. Doctors have confirmed that none of the injuries were life-threatening.

Experts warn that instead of becoming a hit among fellow passengers, a person might be hit by them.

“I don’t know what I have done to make the angry so many people” sobbed a visibly distressed and grammatically shaken Sailesh. “All I wanted was to DO THE NEW”.

Most people are unsure about what this may mean. When asked if he could clarify on the matter, Sailesh proceeded to shout a series of unconnected phrases – such as HUMANS ARE MY FRIENDS and WHY WALK ALONE! DANCE TOGETHER – and started running around the room until he was crudely sedated by a male nurse.

The incident has come as a shock to the city that was already violence prone over Telangana issue. Many experts believe that Sailesh, by singing that ad jingle, gave an excuse to the angry locals to vent out their anger and frustration against the government. Other experts have asked for a separate and independent censor board for television advertising.

The television ad in question shows a youth becoming a favorite among the fellow passengers when he sings a jingle in the train. Experts believe that the ad should have contained the statutory warning, “performed by trained professionals under controlled environment, don’t try this at home or in public places”.

In the meantime, police have detained 32 individuals in connection with the assault on Sailesh. Those detained could not be reached for comments, apart from an elderly nun whose comments were laconic and, by and large, unprintable.

The cellular service provider is expected to issue a press release on the matter tomorrow.

Child molester SPS Rathore suffering from SPS (Small Penis Syndrome)

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 07:46:13 +0000

Chandigarh. An investigation by Faking News has revealed that ex-DGP of Haryana SPS Rathore, who molested 14-year-old Ruchika Girhotra in 1990 and was released on bail this Monday after being found guilty, is suffering from Small Penis Syndrome, also known as “penis envy”, where a person nurses a chronic anxiety of having a small penis. This disorder has repeatedly forced Rathore to undertake unhealthy practices to boost his low self-esteem.

A happy looking Rathore is actually quite worried whenever he thinks about his manhood

“Right from the age he attained puberty, which was a little delayed in his case, SPS Rathore has been suffering from SPS. While at college, he had even plotted to attack a guy who wore bigger underwear, which was rather illogical. Rathore constantly refused to believe that he was sick and his penis envy kept growing bigger, while his size remained the same; he was desperate to convince himself that he was a ‘big boy’ and a ‘real man’.” Faking News investigative reporter Anirudh Bekal found out after talking to Rathore’s school and college mates.

Our investigative team also found out that SPS Rathore had a 36GB collection of penis photos and child pornography pictures on his laptop, which was gifted to him for a stellar performance by the then Om Prakash Chautala government.

It seems that the official investigators failed to find this piece of evidence against him, ultimately leading to just six-months of punishment and subsequent release on bail minutes after punishment was pronounced. Now Rathore is planning to appeal against the harsh judgment.

“I have full faith in the Indian judicial system.” said the now-famous child molester SPS Rathore, while dismissing the findings by Faking News as being false and libelous. SPS threatened to sue Faking News.

“I love our courts. I love our laws. It gives dignified citizens like me the complete freedom, but doesn’t allow you to misuse your freedom of speech. I’ll teach you fakes a lesson.” said the famous child molester, also accused of misuse of power.

Faking News stands by its findings and reiterates that SPS Rathore is sick.

Shamed by MMS scandal, MBA student becomes naga sadhu

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:56:54 +0000

Noida. An MBA student, who was tricked by his girlfriend into being filmed by a mobile phone, was shocked to see the same mobile MMS clip being circulated all over the country. The MMS showed the 23-year old student accessing porn, and squirming in exhilaration while doing it, from a computer located in the library of the business school. Shamed by this mysterious aspect of himself coming to the fore, the boy has decided to drop out of the school and become a naga sadhu.

According to the other students of the business school, the boy and his girlfriend were rumored to be ‘going around’ with each other. In fact, many suspected them of having intimate relationship. Our sources inform us that other boys of the b-school always used to ask this particular boy, whose name we are not disclosing out of respect for his privacy, to show them nude pictures of his girlfriend. Initially the boy resisted the idea, but later he thought it to be a ‘cool’ thing to do.

A grab from the now popular MMS showing the boy accessing porn on computer

Our sources further inform us that on that fateful day in the library, the boy asked his girlfriend to do a striptease for him, so that he could record the act in his mobile phone and show it to the boys as a proof of his boyfriendom. When the girl feigned innocence and asked what a striptease was, the boy jumped over to the nearest computer and opened his favorite porn sites to show the girl some sample acts of stripteases. The poor guy didn’t know that the impish girl was recording all his movements in her mobile. He got carried away while accessing the porn sites and the girl made a two-minute MMS, which is now being transmitted and downloaded rampantly on the internet.

“This is a disgraceful breach of trust. Women must not be trusted. I would never come near any woman now. I disown even my mother and sister. I am sure all the ignoble women of this world are now sending the MMS clips to each other bringing a bad name to me. And I can’t understand why people want to see the clip? What new does it have? I disown this society as well.” the boy spoke to us on conditions of anonymity after we could break into his hostel room by threatening to publish his name and picture.

The boy has decided to become a naga sadhu now and spend rest of his life away from porn-shooting women and the porn-watching men (according to him). Faking News is hysterically trying to contact the family of the boy to get their opinion on the whole issue, but it seems that his family has decided to trick media as we could not find any one on the address mentioned in the b-school records.

When we asked the local police commissioner if he had filed any case against the girl in this case, he informed us that no one had come forward till date to register any FIR. Interestingly, our sources could not tell us anything about the girl, but we have learnt that some members of Sati Savitri Sena are on look out for the girl to bash her up for her immoral deed. Faking News would bring you the latest pictures whenever she is beaten.

Unmarried man suspects Shaadi.com employees of committing fraud

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:30:35 +0000

New Delhi. Kunwar Pratap, a 31-year-old unmarried (and purportedly virgin) man has expressed deepest suspicion over the way matrimonial sites like Shaadi.com or JeevanSathi.com carry out their business. Kunwar believes that the employees, especially the men, working for such sites are ‘hoarding’ all the beautiful girls’ profiles before releasing them in public. Kunwar has written a letter to the President of India to look into this urgent matter.

“I see so many beautiful girls out there when I go into any multiplex. Almost 77% of the girls I see are beautiful and attractive, but the moment I start searching on Shaadi.com, I see the trend reversed there. I’m sure even beautiful girls want to get married, so where are they? I guess there is some scam behind it. We unmarried people are getting a raw deal and the government must look into it.” Kunwar told Faking News.

Where are the missing girls?

Kunwar suspects that men working for matrimonial sites don’t make the profiles, especially the pictures, of the beautiful girls available to the general public unless they have exhausted their own options. He pointed out that among the few beautiful girls he could contact on Shaadi.com, an overwhelming majority of them politely rejected him saying they had already finalized the rishta elsewhere and he was a bit late. He suspected foul play by the employees in such cases.

“How come I was late each time? These guys must be first contacting these beautiful girls for their own marriage, or they might be acting on behalf of their friends, or who knows they might be even taking bribe from the rich but unmarried guys to hunt beautiful nubile girls for them. I am not accusing the whole website to be running this shady business, but trust me there is something fishy out there.” Kunwar argued.

Kunwar believes that the culprits should be booked under The Monopolies and Restrictive Trade Practices Act, 1969. He has already acted on this urgent matter and written a letter to the President. He has also sent a copy of the same letter each to Mrs. Sonia Gandhi, CJI of the Supreme Court, Consumer Courts, Ministry of Health and Family Planning, Department of Information Technology, and the Editorial head of India TV.

To his delight and relief, India TV was the quickest to take notice of his letter and got in touch with him. Apparently India TV will be broadcasting a program titled “dulhano ke dakait” (burglars of brides) tonight on this serious issue.

Residents loot each other as march against crime goes awry

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 08:25:16 +0000

The peaceful mob

Ghaziabad. A peace march taken out by the local residents to protest against government’s incompetence in dealing with rising crimes in the area turned violent after police lathicharged the protesting mob. Following the lathicharge, the residents first pelted stones on the police, set vehicles on fire on NH-24, and then proceeded to loot valuables from the neighborhood, which were incidentally their own homes. The government has ordered inquiry into the whole incident while the residents are demanding compensation for their looted valuables.

“Our lives have become hellish here. Each day someone is looted or some house is burgled. Even rapes and murders are becoming common. We have lost our sleep while the government seems to be in slumber. We were protesting peacefully but were provoked by the police who started beating us with lathis (bamboo sticks) without any warning. What followed was unfortunate but the government is solely responsible for it.” Ganpat Rawat, a local protester who suffered three lathi blows and got his color television looted, said.

But police have denied that they beat up the protestors with sticks without any provocation or warning. Police claim that the protestors tried to forcibly break through the barricade and were trying to snatch weapons from the policemen. Police maintain that they had to beat the residents up with bamboo sticks to stop the mob from turning into an armed gang of robbers.

“First they wanted to loot our wireless radio in the PCR van, then they tried to snatch our service rifles and revolvers, in fact some of them even tried to snatch the lathis. What do you expect the police to do in such case? You can see for yourself what happened after that. When they can loot each other’s homes with empty hands, imagine what they would have done with rifles, revolvers and lathis!” police inspector Y N Choudhary wondered.

Government has ordered an inquiry into the circumstances that led to the lathicharge and ensuing loot by the residents. The government has not promised to pay any compensation to the locals but promised to ‘look into the matter’. The residents have threatened another round of peaceful protests if the government doesn’t act fast.

“What are we supposed to do if the government doesn’t act? We were snatching weapons to arm us against the criminals. Out of anger and frustration we looted the neighborhood, it’s absolutely normal you know. But that doesn’t mean government can ignore their duties. We are rightful citizens of this country.” Bulla Baweja, a local resident argued.

The local residents have also rejected government’s appeal to return the looted valuables to each other. The residents termed the government’s appeal as ‘senseless’. But the incident is threatening to divide the local residents as a members belonging to a particular gotra have approached a local khap panchayat to pressurize other residents to return their looted goods.

Class Xth student arrested with pistol, wanted to shoot Kapil Sibal

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:05:01 +0000

What is this yaar?

New Delhi. Panic and terror struck Ministry of Human Resource Development here when a fourteen years old boy was caught with a loaded pistol inside the building. The boy, identified as RG Verma, is a student of class Xth in a CBSE school of the city and was reportedly unhappy with HRD Minister Kapil Sibal’s decision to scrap the mandatory Xth Board Exams. Officials claim that RG wanted to assassinate Kapil Sibal. The boy has been arrested and sent to a juvenile remand home.

“We were alerted when a bullet like stuff fell from the school bag of this boy moving in the corridor. Initially we ignored that, but on further inspection we found that it indeed was a live bullet. We launched a massive search operation for the boy half an hour later and also called in the army. Security forces overpowered the boy while he was drinking Mountain Dew at a snacks stall outside the secretariat.” a ministry official informed.

The boy, RG Verma, has denied that he had any intentions to assassinate the HRD Minister, but conceded that he wanted to shoot the minister to ‘teach him a lesson’. RG thinks that Kapil Sibal has ruined lives of meritorious students by scrapping board exams. RG considers himself meritorious as he always stood first in his class in school exams.

“The decision doesn’t make sense at all. Ishaan, who has always been coming second to me, will now get the same grade as me?! This is ridiculous! Did I kill my brains all these years to see this day? And do you know that nobody is studying at all after this decision was announced? Those losers, who at least used to study when board exams were near, are now busy collecting pictures of Megan Fox. God save this country.” RG told Faking News.

RG was looking forward to take board exams as he was confident of getting the highest marks in Delhi. His neighbor had fared similar in last year’s exams and had got his photo printed in the newspaper. His dreams were shattered when CBSE made the exams optional from this year onwards, but he was still optimistic and was planning to take the exams. He may have to miss the exams as the courts will first need to acquit him.

Meanwhile friends of RG have expressed disbelief over his deeds. His friends confirmed that RG was indeed very agitated after the decision was announced but they never thought that he could take such an extreme step.

“He always used to come first, although it was due to the fact that he always used to get grace marks for good handwriting, otherwise our marks were almost similar, in fact on a couple of occasions I had got more marks than him if the handwriting marks were to be discounted. But that doesn’t mean I am happy over the unfortunate situation he has got himself into. I pray he is released and can take the board exams in time.” Ishaan, the boy who always stood second after RG said.

Man kills neighbor for showing middle finger to his dog

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 10:14:44 +0000

Gurgaon. A forty year old man shot dead his neighbor as he was enraged after the victim Ashok Dabas, a thirty five year old executive, apparently showed middle finger to his pet dog Kookoo. Ravindra Choudhary, the assailant who runs his own property dealing business, was taken into custody but later released on bail. The victim’s family is accusing the police of bias in the whole case.

“How can you let off someone guilty of murder? The police is biased because the SHO of the local police station belongs to the same gotra as that of that killer. Not only that Choudhary but his wicked dog Kookoo should also be arrested and sent to jail. If police does not act, we’ll ask our community members to pelt stones at the police station.” Vijay Dabas, the victim’s brother warned.

The police has denied charges of bias and considers the case as an instance of ‘urban anger’ as opposed to culpable homicide.

“Such cases are not new. People do get killed when they don’t allow vehicles to overtake or when they throw trash on neighbor’s terrace. In fact there have been cases when people have been killed over taste of chhole bhature. This was just another of those cases when Ravindra Choudhary was infuriated when Ashok Dabas showed middle finger to his dog. We are investigating the whole case.” Arun Choudhary, the local SHO said.

Kookoo, the winking dog

According to people living in the same colony where the murder happened this morning, Ravindra and Ashok had fought many times over Kookoo, Ravindra’s pet dog. Kookoo often used to urinate on Ashok’s car tyres and on a couple of occasions the dog even pooped in front of his house. To add to Ashok’s miseries, Kookoo had this strange habit of winking at people, which added insult to the injury of Ashok Dabas.

“When Ashok was getting ready to go to his office today morning, he discovered that there was a dog poop in front of his car. Angry and frustrated, he looked towards Ravindra’s house where Kookoo was having tea-biscuit along with his master. As soon as their eyes met, Kookoo winked at Ashok that made him get real agitated and he screamed “fuck you” to the dog and showed his middle finger to him. When Ravindra saw all this, he got even more agitated and fired three bullets from his revolver.” A neighbor told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

Ravindra’s family members blame Ashok for the tragedy as they think that he acted illogically this morning by screaming and abusing the little dog. They accused Ashok of being insensitive to little Kookoo all along. On their request, police has sent a sample of that seeming dog poop to Hyderabad for DNA tests to find out if it was indeed Kookoo who had pooped in front of Ashok’s car.