Faking News » Culture

Man divorces his wife of ten years because she didn’t nag him at all

Vipul K Rawal — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 05:55:31 +0000

Mumbai. In a landmark judgment, a Mumbai family court has granted divorce to a man, who wanted to separate from his wife on the grounds that she didn’t nag him even once during their married tenure of ten years.

Justifying his move, the freshly divorced man, Chetan Bhagat (not to be confused with the bestselling author) spoke to this reporter outside the family court:

“I don’t mind telling you that the past ten years were living hell for me. Imagine, when I have to party out with friends, I don’t have to tell her any creative story about my coming late in the night, drunk. No matter how late I reach home, in whatever condition, she will serve me hot food and ask me how my day was. The next day, when all friends are discussing how they got away last night, I have nothing to contribute and I always felt like a total jerk!”

Chetan Bhagat never got to experience such moments in his married life

When asked by this reporter if wasn’t this what every man wanted in his life, Mr. Bhagat strongly contested the idea.

“That is pure humbug. Just like communism, the idea sounds very good theoretically, but practically it is a stupid idea,” he argued, “A marriage without a nagging wife sounds very good, but is not practically possible. I agree that there shouldn’t be an overdose; however, what kind of a woman will not nag her husband even once in ten years?”

When asked if he took any remedial action to prevent the divorce, Mr. Bhagat claimed that he tried everything possible to make it work.

“I regularly gave her hints that she should object to my actions once in a while. She should scold me if I put wet towels on the bed, kept the toilet seat up, fart in bed, or even when I scratch my balls in public, but never once did she object to all these actions,” he rued.

“In fact, I started interacting with my friends more whose wives were notorious nags, so that she can pick up some tricks, but no avail. The last straw was when I told her I was going to Bangkok for a week’s vacation with my buddies; she slipped a packet of edible flavored condoms in my shaving kit.”

Behavior Scientist Jairam Iyer, when asked to give his opinion on this issue, was quite intrigued:

“I think such behavior is quite rare in a woman, however a scientist in Denmark has identified a gene in women that prevents her from nagging, however, he has not made it public as he fears that he could be accused of playing with god’s creation. This could become more controversial than human cloning.”

Faking News tried to contact Mrs. Bhagat, but she was unavailable to comment. However her mother revealed that in the last 6 hours, she has received more than 300 marriage proposals, most of them from Gujarati and Marwari businessmen.

New dating site launched for people who suck at relationships

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 11:44:07 +0000

New Delhi. After being dumped by two girls in a single month, an IIT student has decided to make love life easier for people like him. Sanket Singh, a third year computer science student at IIT Delhi has created a new dating site where people, who suck at relationships, can meet each other.

“No, this is not for men seeking men,” Sanket clarifies, “This is for straight people who want to meet prospective partners without worrying about being awkward in their approach towards the relationship. The problem is real, and now we have a solution.”

The website asks its members not to have any expectations at all from a relationship. It has some special features that help members suck at relationships in a matter-of-the-fact way, as if there was nothing wrong with it.

“The member’s profile page doesn’t mention any date of birth,” Sanket explained the friendly features of the website, “This conveys a message to the members, especially girls, that birthdays are not any special occasion; they shouldn’t be upset if the partner forgets to wish them on their birthdays.”

Sanket’s website encourages people to explore alternative ways of expressing love. An article on the website says that gifting a 24 GB USB drive could be a better idea than gifting roses.

That’s how Sanket was dumped by his first girlfriend early this year. “I had totally forgotten about her birthday and hadn’t even checked Facebook that day where every damn guy was wishing her,” he recalled.

Freshly dumped, and not too heartbroken, Sanket soon befriended another girl, who happened to be a mutual friend with his first girlfriend. Everything was going fine until the day when he hung up the phone on her. She dumped him within five minutes.

“Well, to be fair, I disconnected her phone three times within three minutes as I was busy playing Age of Empires on my computer and was winning the game. I didn’t realize that she had sneaked up to me and was standing behind me to give me a surprise,” Sanket recalled his second breakup, which helped him come up with another feature in his website – custom messages during online chat conversations.

“Right now you only get such messages – ‘Sanket has entered a text’, or ‘Sanket is typing’ – such messages fill the chatting partner with hope. The partner expects some decent things to be told. Whereas my website gives messages like – ‘Sanket is now playing Mario’, or ‘Sanket is now reading tweets’ – this readies the partner for encounters in real lives and lessens chances of a break up.”

Heartbroken after his second breakup within a month, Sanket thought a lot and came up with the idea of the website that helps people like him find the “right” girl. But will any real girl join such a website?

“I am confident,” he said, “Just like every child is special, every boyfriend is also special. I’m sure that girls will see the vale once they join the website. There are no membership fees for girls.”

Sanket maintains that website is not for people who “suck at relationships”, but for people who are “differently romantic”. However, Faking News editorial team decided to stick with the first term.

Boy fails to say ‘sorry’ due to 100 SMS cap by TRAI, loses girlfriend

Varun Gupta — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 09:19:29 +0000

New Delhi. When TRAI limited the number of sent text messages to 100 per user per day last month, little did it realize that it could spoil the love-life of someone. Nirakaar Patel, a second-year engineering student has lost his girlfriend Sagarika (name changed) after he failed to send a “sorry” SMS after sending 100 SMSs explaining his “objectionable” conduct of chatting online with another girl. Nirakaar has sued TRAI for this loss.

“She was not picking up the phone and I had to send her text messages to explain my position,” a now-single Nirakaar recounted his harrowing experience, “Fortunately she was replying to my SMSs and I tried my best to tell her what happened. Finally I decided to admit my guilt, even though I was not guilty, and say sorry to her; but my quota of sending 100 SMSs had finished by then.”

Nirakaar had been ‘going in and out’ with his love interest Sagarika for two years now. Sagarika was performing her routine activity of logging in from Patel’s Gmail account yesterday morning when she received a ping from a female batchmate of Nirakaar.

Last nail in the coffin

The ping read “hey, free tonight?”, and hell broke loose after that.

“It was my Arundhati, my batchmate, and she was asking if I was free to attend the group meeting to discuss a mechanical engineering project that night,” Nirakaar told Faking News what he couldn’t tell Sagarika even after sending 100 messages and 1000 words that he could say before Sagarika left him for her home.

“She just won’t listen to me and walked out,” he said, “I would say ‘meeting’ and she would mock it by terming it ‘mating’. We kept exchanging SMSs when I finally realized that perhaps it was better to accept whatever she way accusing me of and get out of it by saying sorry.”

However it was too late by then. “Sorry. Your daily limit has expired. Please wait till tomorrow” read the operator’s message at 4 PM.

At 6 PM, he received the “final” SMS from Sagarika – “It’s all over now. Goodbye and enjoy your mating with Arundhati.”

Nirakaar couldn’t reply to that message and out of desperation, he rushed to the nearest PCO – an entity that has almost gone extinct – only to find Sagarika’s cellphone switched off. She later sent him an e-mail saying she had dumped him and has moved on to some muscular next door guy.

Early today morning, Nirakaar tried his best to restart the dialogue with his girlfriend, but of no use; she was an ex now. A frustrated Nirakaar has now decided to sue TRAI, claiming damages for mental agony and physical loss.

A group called the Frustrated Boyfriends of India (FBI) has filed this lawsuit in the Silchar court on behalf of Nirakaar. Incidentally, FBI had earlier welcomed the TRAI regulation and even changed their tagline to “We have a life, now” hinting at possible end to their chronic victimization by telestalking: an art mastered by the urban female where she needs continuous updates about her beau’s whereabouts, whatabouts and whyabouts around the clock.

“We clearly didn’t see this coming,” said Neeraj, the national president of FBI, “The incident has exposed gaping loopholes in TRAI’s rule that needs to be addressed. Our members should get special cards allowing them to work around this capping once in a while in such emergency situations.”

TRAI didn’t respond to Faking News requests for a quote even after we sent 100 SMSs to the chairman.

“We are just a couple” insist husband-wife accused of friendship

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 14 May 2011 07:07:54 +0000

Mumbai. Following weeks of rumors that suspected them of having a close friendship with each other, celebrity couple Amar and Amrita today clarified that they were “just a couple” and there was “no such thing” going on between them.

“This is all media creation,” Amar, a popular fashion designer claimed, “I and Amrita are just like any other normal couple in this country. We share the same house and the same bed, but there is nothing like friendship between us. Why is it so hard to believe?”

His wife, a former model who is now working in television serials, agrees.

“Yes, we wake up each morning. Have breakfast prepared by our bai and then go off to our respective workplaces, only to come back late in the night and sleep off; that’s not what friends do!” Amrita argued.

The couple also maintained that they still cherish the memories of their marriage

Amar and Amrita had got married two years back after dating each other for three years prior to that. Controversies and paparazzi had been a part of their lives as media had reported them as having been secretly married during their courtship period. Then they had clarified that they were “just friends”.

But last week a tabloid reported that the couple were still best friends with each other, something both Amar and Amrita insist is “quite untrue”.

Responding to pointed questions, Amar and Amrita conceded that they spend some time together on weekends and watch television reality shows together, but rejected the idea that such acts suggested any close friendship between them.

“Come on, I don’t feel like sharing anything with him, except the household expenses and maybe my wardrobe for new serials,” Amrita explained, “I can’t even trust him with my Facebook password.”

“Absolutely, even I never allow her to see my SMS inbox on my mobile,” Amar came to the rescue of his wife, “I don’t know how this talk of some sort of friendship between us got circulated in the press. This is all bullshit!”

“We are just one happy couple!” both Amar and Amrita reiterated.

Mother hits her hopeless son with slipper on Mother’s Day

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 08 May 2011 09:19:49 +0000

New Delhi. 55-year-old Shalini Priya, who has been living in hope that Raju, her 25-year-old son would one day grow up to have some sense and responsibility, today gave up on her dream and hit her youngest son with a slipper while he was watching repeat telecast of an IPL match. The incident happened on a day when the world is celebrating Mother’s Day and Shalini doesn’t regret doing it.

“Me and my husband can’t look after another person,” Mrs. Priya told Faking News, “We both struggle for money and he just sits around in his underwear and watches repeats of cricket matches from years ago. We can’t go on like this.”

The "crime scene” and the "weapon", as described by Raju, who uploaded it on his Facebook album.

Sources (Raju’s siblings) say that Raju was hit by a slipper after he had totally forgotten about the boiling milk on the gas stove, which he had lighted to prepare his morning tea at 11.55 AM before being totally involved in the repeat telecast of an IPL match he had watched last night.

“When mom came back from Gupta aunty’s flat next door, she could smell something burning in the kitchen and Siddhu talking loudly about burnt stumps and scalding teardrops on the television,” our source informed, “She immediately took out her slippers and threw it at the sofa Raju was sunk in.”

“It was awesome,” the source added.

Sources further inform that Raju had been a problem child right since his childhood, who refused to show any signs of improvement as he grew up biologically. “His marks have been consistently poor, he hates poetry, and is not sure if a guitar has five or six strings even though he had enrolled himself for guitar classes last year. Yes, he loves cricket, on TV.”

When asked about the incident, Mrs. Priya confirmed the offensive. “I don’t regret it,” she said, “This is nothing in comparison to the ‘retrospective abortion’ Mrs. Gupta is planning for her equally hopeless son.”

(with inputs from Simon)

IIT dropout finds B.A. English syllabus equally uninteresting

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 09:25:24 +0000

Delhi. An IIT dropout, who decided to pursue his dreams and love of writing by taking admission in B.A. English (Hons.) course, is finding the curriculum and environment as dull and uninteresting as his engineering one, in fact, worse at times.

Last year, 18-years-old Manoj Manu, under lingering influence of movies like 3 Idiots and numerous articles before and after the movie, had decided to drop out of his Computer Engineering course at IIT Delhi to pursue a course in literature. Now he finds himself distraught and disillusioned again.

“Man, this sucks!” Manoj confided to Faking News in an exclusive interview, “The girls are hot okay, but nobody seems to be interested in literature at all! They (fellow students) don’t discuss any books, essays, or poetry, and the professor wants me to sing praises of some idiotic shit that he wrote and got published seven years ago.”

Manoj claims that these students might not be essentially laughing at a satire by Mark Twain

Manoj had spent three months at Aravali House in IIT Delhi studying basics of engineering before he realized that his heart was not into it. During those three months, he had written at least two dozen articles on his blog, including five romantic poems, which made him decently famous and respected.

“I think my blog was read in all the IITs and other engineering colleges; I had had coffee with almost every girl on the campus,” Manoj recalled his good old days, “Majority of the comments I received on my blog said that I wrote better than Chetan Bhagat and I should try to become a full time writer.”

Egged by such comments and after a prolonged battle lasting another three months with his parents, Manoj decided to drop out of his engineering course to pursue a bachelor’s degree in literature at Delhi University.

Now he thinks it’s the same shit everywhere.

“Every damn guy or girl has the same criticism to offer on a piece of poetry or prose,” Manoj complains, “And I’m sick of terms like postmodernism, neoclassicism, post-structuralism, blah blah; It’s almost like saying that a rose is a plant of the Rosa genus under the Rosaceae family. Please, excuse me of these technical terms and let me enjoy the beauty of rose!”

In the last term exam, Manoj got average marks and fared poorly than students who relied on some King Champion guide for literature.

“It almost reminded of those Kundra-Bawa guides for Social Studies that I used to rely upon my school days as I was more interested in Maths and Sciences,” Manoj said.

Manoj now badly misses his IIT days as he wakes up daily to catch DU special DTC bus to attend classes, where nobody, not even him now, seems to be interested in literature.

“I don’t know,” he said when asked if he was thinking of dropping out again.

Janta Lokpal Bill to remove corruption at “low levels” by legalizing it

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 09:26:17 +0000

New Delhi. While the Jan Lokpal Bill is aimed at removing corruption from the “high levels” by making sure that politicians and bureaucrats are punished for their corrupt practices, a new bill has been proposed that would remove corruption from the “low levels” i.e. amidst the common citizens and the “civil society”. The bill, tentatively named “Janta Lokpal Bill”, would accomplish the feat by legalizing low level corruption.

“While everyone wants to see a corrupt politician hanged till death, we realized that a common person was not yet willing to pay even a paltry fine for indulging in something illegal like evading taxes,” Nishant Bhushan, a lawyer and a member of the drafting committee of the Janta Lokpal Bill, said, “After a lot of debate and discussions, we thought that legalizing low level corruption was the best solution.”

Instances of payment to secure out of turn favors would be made legal and declared as a “familiarity fee” payable between mutually consenting parties

The new bill proposes that all instances of “low level corruption” should be given a legal sanction so that the common citizens and the civil society of India have a “free and clear conscience” on the issue of corruption. If the bill becomes a low, an office of a “Janta Lokpal” would be created in each Indian city, which would issue various “certificates” to people found indulged in practices that are currently deemed as corrupt.

“If a person is found to have tampered with his electricity meter and indulged in electricity theft, no FIR would be lodged against him/her. The person would be required by the law to pay a little fee to the Janta Lokpal and he would be awarded a certificate in electrical engineering, preferably sponsored by a company like GE,” Nishant Bhushan informed.

Apart from “fees” paid by the common citizens, the government would also earn revenues from sponsorship deals with various companies; a proposal due to which Nishant Bhushan believes that the government would be willing to pass the bill in the next session of the parliament.

In fact, the bill also empowers the Janta Lokpal to issue “character certificates” to people who are caught harassing women in public places, hence extending the ambit of the bill to “moral corruption” as well, hence making sure that a common citizen is free of all forms of corruption.

“Along with the Jan Lokpal bill, this bill aims at making every Indian, not just the politicians and the bureaucrats, an honest person, after which the war against corruption would be decisively won,” Nishant Bhushan claimed.

Now Salman can “burn” Shahrukh; Madame Tussauds to sell celebrity wax candles

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 04:30:22 +0000

Mumbai. Appreciating the fact that vanity in India is not limited to raising one’s own stature but it extends to belittling others’ as well, the London based renowned wax museum chain Madame Tussauds has announced its intentions to sell celebrity wax candles in India. These candles can be fire lit by the buyers, who can consequently derive satisfaction of having triggered the “meltdown” of their “favorite” character.

“We realized that perhaps having a wax statue of themselves wouldn’t excite the Indians as much as them being able to destroy others’ statues,” Momtaz Khan, the head of to-be-launched Mumbai branch of Madame Tussauds said, “That’s why, for our Indian operations, we decided to manufacture and sell human shaped wax candles instead of opening the usual museum with life-size wax statues in it.”

King Candle, the first among the series of celebrity wax candles that would be launched by Madame Tussauds in India.

The first product of Madame Tussauds Mumbai has been named “King Candle”, which is a wax candle cast in the shape of Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan. The six-inch long candles have been priced at a premium of 2,000 rupees each, but a 20% discount has been offered for fans of Aamir Khan and Salman Khan.

“We would also ship a complimentary packet of dozen King Candles each to Aamir and Salman,” Momtaz informed, “Now they can see the six-pack abs of Shahrukh melt away in minutes. In fact, they can enjoy the whole Shahrukh being put on fire and disappearing even as they enjoy a candle light dinner!”

Momtaz completely rejected the criticism that the “burning” of celebrity wax candles amounted to promotion of witchcraft. “This is just art and anger management rolled into one,” he said.

“Why bother having a dog named Shahrukh when you can burn away an eponymous candle?” Momtaz further enumerated the “benefits” of celebrity wax candles to the prospective buyers.

Madame Tussauds is hopeful that its maiden product in India would be a runaway success and informed that their celebrity wax candles won’t be limited to Bollywood celebrities.

“Our next product could be a series of affordable and cheap Mayawati wax candles targeted at Uttar Pradesh market,” Momtaz disclosed the future plans of Madame Tussauds Mumbai as he listed out another benefit of the celebrity candles, “Parties like Samajwadi Party, which have been using violent means of protests till now, could be thus encouraged to take out candle light vigils.”

“Yes, we could also produce made-to-order customized candles in future,” Momtaz responded to a query by Faking News, “People can send the photos and physical details about their relatives, friends, colleagues, etc. and we can help them witness the desired destruction of their folks.”

(with inputs from Deepayan Ghosh)

Deoband fatwa to bring son-in-laws closer to mother-in-laws

Simon — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 14:15:43 +0000

Saharanpur. Women can only travel up to 48 miles without her husband or a male relative, the Darul Uloom Deoband has ruled. The announcement has caused consternation amongst Muslims and experts claim that it will put many marriages under unbearable strain.

“I may have to get a divorce now,” said Jamal, 35, “Her parents live in Lucknow; we stay in Kanpur. It is 50.2 miles… No matter how many times I measure it, it’s still more than 48 miles.” Jamal had been avoiding visiting his sasuraal (in-laws’ place) ever since he got married, but under the new fatwa, he will be forced to accompany his wife to her parents’ house.

A man returning to Darul Uloom, apparently after dropping off his wife 70 miles away

“Islam condemns all kinds of oppression, violence and terrorism,” says Jamal, “but this fatwa is not consistent with this; I’m terrified of her mother.”

“This will cause a marked change in son-in-law-mother-in-law relations,” said sociologist, Arpeeta Goyal, “Now the husband will choose to live closer to his wife’s family in order to avoid them. This ruling may appear archaic, she explained, but the time-space issues it causes are very modern indeed, if not postmodern.”

The Deoband based university told Faking News that the fatwa “possessed both the rectitude and solidity of traditional thought and the dynamism of contemporary global theory”.

Appearing confused, our correspondent was ushered into a side room and told the “practical historical and contemporary foundations for the ruling”: If a man stood on the back of a camel in the Saudi desert 1400 years ago, he could observe his wife from 3 miles away. But if the same man stood on his camel in the same place, he would be able to observe her from 48 miles away thanks to modern binocular technologies.

Faking News pointed out that with modern IT technology and GPS devices there was no limit on the distance from which a husband could track his wife, but we were told that this was a “ridiculous suggestions” because using a laptop on the back of a camel would be “very difficult”.

Rumors are circulating that the university is in talks with technology companies to produce a “wife sensor”, which operates in like a parking sensor – beeping quickly when the wife is close by and becoming slower as the wife becomes further away. An alarm will ring at 48miles and a pre-recorded voice message will command the owner to “retrieve your wife”.

Ghulam Mohammad Vastanvi was due to provide the voice for the device but this was cancelled once it emerged that he once let his wife go as far as Gujarat unaccompanied.

Khap Panchayat refuses to bar men from wearing skirts and saree

Simon — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 14:00:50 +0000

Muzaffarnagar. After issuing a ban on women wearing jeans, a UP Khap Panchayat has refused to pass a similar ban on men wearing women’s clothing. “There is just no reason for this ban,” said a Panchayat leader, “not that it would be unjustified and unconstitutional, but it doesn’t matter because nothing like this goes on here anyway, that would just be weird.”

But Faking News decided to investigate the matter and find out the ground reality. Our team went to a suburb in Uttar Pradesh.

“This is a sarong! It’s fashionable! They all wear them in Bali,” shouted Om Yadav, who seemed a little surprised to see us on his doorstep, “David Beckham wore one so it’s fine. You wouldn’t accuse him of wearing women’s clothes, now would you?” Our correspondents quickly asked for directions to our first interview and left Yadav to his embroidery.

Some Indian men have earlier openly declared love for women’s wear

The town, which our lawyer advises us not to name, does not have any men’s clothes shops at all. Inside “Kumar’s of Muzaffarnagar”, the proprietor showed us a gold sparkly salwar kameez. “Is she a… um… larger lady, your wife, sir?” asked Mr Kumar, “very broad around the shoulders? Unusually tall? Or is it for your sister? Same eyes as yours? We have plenty to suit that particular skin tone.”

After saying that we didn’t want to buy anything, we were offered fifteen minutes in the “private fitting room”. Obviously being from out of town, we were escorted off the premises. Finally we met Shalini, who was a little more forthcoming on the issue.

Shalini met Faking News in a dark alleyway. She billowed along, her XL clothes blowing in the wind. “They banned jeans because they’re unisex”, she whispered, holding up her loose 91cm waist trousers with one hand, “now us women have to buy more women’s clothes, or rather, our husbands will buy them for us, they’ll choose the color, style and size too… Do you understand me?”

Shalini explained that since women are also banned from coming out of their homes, men are forced to buy women’s clothing, which has caused many of them to show “unusual” and “deeper” interest in women’s wear.

“I can understand the appeal,” said Pratap from the dhabha, an expert on the subject after he put on a dress to win a Rs.100 bet in 2005, “it’s very comfortable, lots of room of the air to circulate, no need to scratch anything.”

The investigation was abandoned the following morning as Faking News found a burnt bra outside our hotel room door.

Madan wins special half marathon for touching Gul Panag

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 04:40:15 +0000

New Delhi. Madan Chandra Prasad, a 33-year-old resident of Delhi, won the half marathon for touching Bollywood actress Gul Panag, which was organized on the sidelines of Delhi Half Marathon yesterday. Madan achieved this frequent feat (of touching women) after running 1.69 kilometers in little over seven minutes. An estimated 3000 like-minded men were taking part in this special half marathon for touching Gul.

“It feels good,” said an elated Madan, also referred to as MCP by his friends, who won a bet of 25,000 rupees from his friends for being the first one to touch the Bollywood actress and ex Miss India title holder.

Apparently no special marathon for touching Gul Panag was organized when she ran in Mumbai Marathon last year

“Thank God! Kishen was so close and I thought he might beat me, but he was distracted by this rude girl who slapped him for putting his arms across her waist,” Madan shared the exciting moments from the prestigious sporting event.

Madan and at least six of his friends informed that they had been practicing daily and were confident that only someone from their group would be the winner of this marathon that is organized each year in Delhi.

“Even though it’s getting chilly in Delhi these day, we’d wake up early in the morning and go to the nearest jogging parks and run behind those girls and aunties. A couple of them (women) tried to discourage us but we never lost our focus,” Kishen said and hoped that next year he’d beat Madan.

“I hope Gul would be back next year,” he said.

Strangely, Gul Panag doesn’t seem too excited to return next year as she expressed displeasure over men touching her inappropriately many times during the Delhi Half Marathon.

“I had no idea about this other marathon that was taking place,” Gul said even as the organizers of this “other” marathon event remained behind the scenes.

“Koi na, Pamela ko bula lenge agle saal (no problem, Pamela would be invited next year),” Madan assured Kishen, though cautioned, “but I fear that these idiots might have one lane reserved for women next year, like they have got it done in the Delhi Metro.”

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Rahul Mahajan was also taking part in the half marathon, which half is yet not clear.

IIT Roorkee student caught holding test tube in an obscene manner

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 08:34:11 +0000

Roorkee, Uttarakhand. Public outrage has been growing after some newspapers published “revealing” pictures of some IIT students holding test tubes in an “obscene” manner in their laboratory. Even though students claim that what happened was a “normal” activity in a chemistry lab, protestors have been gathering outside the institution demanding strict action against the “vulgar” and “depraved” students.

“What crap are they talking about?” a protestor belonging to Hindu Jagran Manch said, “the only thing I ever hold in that manner is my ummm… you know… in toilet… that thing down there… between my legs yaar. As cultured Indians, we must not name that in public.”

Such pictures outraged some culturally sensitive Indians, causing them to protest outside the IIT

Protestors belonging to similar groups have accused the students of knowingly indulging in activity that was “suggestive” and “in bad taste”. But IIT students differ.

“Oh come on. Have they ever gone to a chemistry lab?” asked Amit Pandey, a second year Chemical Engineering student at IIT Roorkee, “Oh my god, I don’t know how they would react when they see us shaking the tube to mix the chemicals well!”

“LOL! I can’t believe this man,” said Sameer, a final year student at the institute, “I never thought on those lines even though I’m about to complete my studies here. Seriously, that’s the first thing that came to their mind when they saw that? Losers!”

IIT administration has not reacted to the development yet and refused to talk to our correspondent, but the state government has ordered an enquiry into this “serious matter”.

“We have seen the pictures, and they are really bad. A national debate should take place if students are learning the ‘right’ things in chemistry labs. I’m going to write a letter to the union HRD Minister soon in this regard,” Uttarakhand Education Minister Govind Singh Bisht said.

Sources suggest that IIT administration might change the shape of test tubes to respect the national feelings.

Haryana man marries “female” chicken due to falling sex-ratio

Simon — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 10:30:21 +0000

Murgaam, Harynana. The falling sex ratio has prompted a man from Haryana to take extreme measures. Faced with a shortage of women in his village, 28 years old, Rajan Dhanna found an unorthodox solution befitting of his rural community. Last week Rajan married Simi. Simi has been described as “fair, youthful, obedient and an excellent provider of food”. Simi also happens to be a chicken, a young hen.

“There are no women in my village,” explained Rajan, “but I know my farming; chickens are the only other community which suffers from this sort of gender imbalance. Only for them it’s the reverse. Bingo!”

He then explained that instead of competing for a dwindling number of women and going on “dates, meeting parents, going shopping and watching chick-flicks”, he could simply walk into the hen run and take his pick.

“The cockerel tried to peck me, but I kick him and he ran off squawking,” he said, “greedy bugger had twenty hens to himself, well there’s a new guy in town and he’s bigger, stronger and has opposable thumbs.”

One of the gifts Rajan and Simi, the happy couple, received after their marriage

The courtship was “short and really cheap”, Rajan told us. “She liked me from the first moment,” he said, “within five minutes she was eating out of my hand, it takes months to get to that stage with a woman and even then they want cutlery and expensive food, mind you, it was decent grain.”

Rajan’s choice of bride has confounded traditional authorities. Unsure of Simi’s caste, gotra or even precise breed, village elders have approved the union.

“Well, we thought that if the chicken has a gotra, then Rajan definitely isn’t a member, according to our records at least,” said Bhagat Mann, village elder, “also, Rajan explained that his friend Kishan has been living with the bride’s family for generations and has arranged many marriages for them in the past. He says Simi is definitely a Jat, so that’s fine.”

Rajan’s parents are also pleased with the union. The dowry was very reasonable, Rajan’s uncle told Faking News; he paid around Rs.150, which he says is a very reasonable rate for 1.5kgs. “Actually,” he continued, “if our Rajan can get that rate every time, I don’t mind if he marries the whole flock.”

Animal rights organization PETI has welcomed the marriage. “We think this shows that animals can play an active role in human society,” said a spokesman, “the gender imbalance in the chicken population is a major issue. Most hens have little choice but to opt for abusive polygamous relations with a patriarchal male.”

Questions have been raised as to how Rajan is going to consummate his marriage. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” he said. Faking News raised the issue of divorce, to which we were told that Rajan’s family were “not vegetarians”.

Whilst this inter-community marriage might be a first for Haryana, it is by no means unique. In 2005 a British man living in Mumbai “married” his Indian dog before returning home in order to evade UK quarantine regulations. He cited “family reunification” laws. Reports of a man marrying a horse came out of Maharashtra in 2007, but closer investigation revealed that they were false. The bride just “wasn’t the best looking woman in the world”.

Man learns to play new mobile game by peeping over shoulder of co-passenger

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 12:42:44 +0000

New Delhi. As soon as Rajesh cleared the sixth level of Treasure Towers, his spectacular performance was applauded by at least three co-passengers, who had been silently but absorbedly witnessing the game on his mobile screen, where it was being played and telecasted live and free-to-air in Delhi Metro. Even though his newly made fans wanted him to continue, Rajesh, 23, decided to call it quits.

“I didn’t know how to react,” admitted a still shocked Rajesh after pausing the in-action Snake 3D game on his Nokia E-72, “As soon as I looked around after finishing the game, both these guys sitting on my either side seemed to smile at me. When I looked above, this guy who was standing in front of me in the crowded Metro also smiled.”

“I could understand the whole situation only after one of them asked if mobile games were designed by American or Chinese companies,” Rajesh said, “WTF! The buggers had been peeping into my cell phone! This means they might have read the SMS I sent to Shilpi earlier.”

Rajesh terms his newly made fans as the “peeping toms” of Metro and believes that the authorities should take some action against persons who keep on staring at the mobile screens, newspapers, books, shoes, chests or faces of the co-passengers.

Mobile screens should strictly be defined as private space, many demand

“They should announce something like – passengers are requested not to peep into the belongings of others – during the journey or provision for imposing a penalty on such guys,” he suggested.

Many others, like Priyank, agree with Rajesh and believe that the number and nerves of such peeping toms were on the rise.

“The other day I was updating my facebook status through my iPhone and this guy beside me was staring all through, as if approving each of my steps,” Priyank recalled, “and when I stared back at him, he had the guts to ask me if I could search his facebook profile on my iPhone as he wanted to check if there were any new wall postings. Can you believe it?”

Kamal had a worse experience when his co-passenger asked if he could spare his left earphone and “share” music from his iPod.

Government authorities have confirmed that such instances were on the rise but have expressed helplessness in dealing with them. “Unless such actions can be proved as criminal voyeurism, we can’t do much. Right now most of them appear as positive externalities to the peeping toms,” said a freelance lawyer.

Faking News could talk to one of such so-called peeping toms Abhishek, who was peeping over the shoulders of Rajesh early today.

“Hehehe, yes, the guy seems to have had a fight with his girlfriend, whose name was Shilpi if I remember correctly?”Abhishek confirmed Rajesh’s apprehensions, before adding, “It was fun, I learnt to play that new game today, would ask my friend to download it on his Nokia phone.”

“Mobile game khelne ke liye na kisi mobile ki zarurat nahi hoti (one doesn’t need to buy any mobile handset to play mobile games),” said Abhishek.

Pervert shocked to know he had been feeling manboobs till now

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:06:21 +0000

New Delhi. Ranjeet Singh, a habitual eve-teaser and an utter pervert, got the shock of his life when he realized that he had been enjoying the fleshy feel of someone’s manboobs in a crowded Delhi bus. Ranjeet thought that a girl was standing behind him in the bus, a thought that led him instinctively to press his back on purpose against the body of the person standing behind him.

“Shit man, it was some fat guy!” 37-year-old Ranjeet lamented the catastrophe that struck him out of blue in the Blueline bus number 764, which was packed with people numbering at least thrice the maximum seating capacity of the bus.

A sight of crowded bus in Delhi used to fill Ranjeet with hope, until today

“It was crowded only when I had boarded it, but I could maneuver my way out and move away near two girls I saw standing inside the bus.” the pervert recounted his actions in the bus with a sense of achievement in his narrative, but revealed that he failed to continue his triumphant journey beyond this point.

“I don’t know when this fat guy came into the picture. I neither saw him boarding the bus nor saw the girls getting off.” wondered Ranjeet, who had placed himself strategically in the overcrowded bus by then to feel the girls, a knack he had developed in the last thirteen years of his ever growing debauchery.

For the next fifteen minutes, Ranjeet could feel some soft tissues pressing against his body, his purposefully leaning back to be precise, which aroused him, reminding him of his manhood and giving him back his confidence he had lost last night in bed with his wife.

“Traveling in crowded buses has always been reassuring to me.” Ranjeet bared his deepest secrets, as he poignantly recollected how blissfully he had kept smiling for those fifteen minutes of total depravity.

After fifteen minutes, an elated Ranjeet decided to turn back and embarrass his victims by looking into their eyes to add further degrees of depravity to his act, but he was crestfallen when his eyes met a smiling fat man standing behind him. The girls were at least a couple of bodies away from him.

“I felt as if someone had banged my head with a big hammer. Or my limbs were torn apart by someone. I don’t know.” said Ranjeet, whose smile and pleasure vanished within nanoseconds after discovering that he had been enjoying manboobs of that unidentified fat man for those fifteen minutes.

“In fact, it seems that for all those fifteen minutes, that gay bastard was enjoying me!” accused Ranjeet, who believes that homosexuals should be banished from the society for their pervert ways.

Ranjeet is planning to avoid bus number 764 for the next few days to avoid recalling his horror.

Khap Panchayat orders its own “Natha” to commit suicide

Freeriding Sid — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 06:17:40 +0000

Haryana. In yet another incidence involving Khap Panchayat’s tyranny, the panchayat of village Peemproli has ordered one villager Natha Khandelwal to commit suicide to help the village get the necessary publicity. A small village in Haryana, Peemproli is mostly inhabited by Brahmins and has not seen any development since independence. Inspired by the movie “Peepli Live”, the panchayat ordered that Natha should kill himself as it would bring the much needed media and political attention to the village.

“We have never been part of any news ever. Our sons are so lame, they are never able to woo any girls, let alone one of a different gotra or caste so that we could honor kill them. None of us are strong enough to become Olympic wrestlers, which is the only sport played in the area. Since we are predominantly a Brahmin village, we cannot protest for any reservations and hence no political party ever visits us. The goddamn government doesn’t even acquire our lands so that we can go out and demand higher compensation.” rued Govind Gaur, a villager.

“Even our kids are so stay-put that they never fall in any borewell.” he added, arguing that suicide by Natha was the only way for their village to get in news.

And the Panchayat was not wrong. Hordes of journalists, especially from television news channels, had already arrived in the village as soon as the Khap Panchayat faxed them their decision.

In fact, Faking News was the last one to reach Peemproli.

Natha from Peemproli neither has a family nor any goats, but has some land in his name that would go to village panchayat once he dies.

But our reporter Freeriding Sid could find Natha, who had been absconding ever since the Panchayat announced its decision, causing all the media persons and villagers to follow us. After a lot of coaxing for an interview, Natha pointed fingers at a NGO worker Medhia Chipakkar in the crowd, and blamed her for the whole situation. Natha claimed that Medhia, who acted as a consultant to the village panchayat, had advised them earlier of creating some national level news.

“I don’t want to die. Help me!” pleaded a sobbing Natha.

Even as dozens of television cameras from different news channels zoomed into to capture the finest and ‘exclusive’ details of Natha’s rolling tears and wrinkles around his eyes that made him look like a 50-year-old tau even though he was just a 21-year-old chhora, Medhia Chipakkar felt a little sad for the poor soul and instantly came up with alternate ideas for the village.

“Okay, listen folks. Natha is from a sub-caste that is considered to be lower among the Brahmins. You guys can flash this news as a shocking example of atrocities by upper castes goons on lower caste guys.” Medhia postulated to the journalists camping in the village.

But it seems Natha would have to die as journalists rejected Medhia’s suggestion, because the new twist to the story would unsettle their plans of presenting and ‘breaking’ the news.

“Our editorial teams back in Delhi have already zeroed up upon scenes from the movie that we would be playing whole day long, and they have also interviewed Aamir Khan for his views on this issue.” said Sakar Sharma, a senior reporter from ABS News.

Tensions run high as wife utters name of ex during love making

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 06:31:01 +0000

Noida. In a major relationship gaffe, Savita, 29, blurted out the name of her ex-boyfriend last night when she was in a passionate union with Rajan, 34, her husband for the last three years. This accidental but scandalous slip of tongue by the wife has reportedly put the relationship between the couple on the rocks even as the neighbors termed the situation as tense but under control.

“There appears something amiss. Usually Savita would stand in the balcony and wave good-byes in the morning when Rajan leaves for office. Nothing of that sort happened today.” observed Mrs. Gupta, one of the neighbors residing in the opposite apartment block of the same housing society.

According to well placed sources, the couple were having a good time in the bed and passions were soaring high when Savita, with closed eyes and clenched fists, moaned two fatal words – oh Sanju!

“Shit! My eyes opened with a flash and my hands fell dead on the bed as soon as I realized what I had done.” said a pensive and distressed Savita, further recalling, “I tried my best to save the situation by clasping my arms around Rajan and smiling at him, as if appreciating what he was doing, but clearly he was in no mood of appreciation of what I had done.”

Savita and Rajan have not been speaking to each other since the goof-up occurred last night

Showing admirable restraint, Rajan reportedly didn’t make a scene in the middle of the night and quietly slept off without any post-play. But tension was palpable in the air as the couple feigned sleep with their backs facing each other and eyes staring at the opposite walls of the bedroom.

“It was pretty much insulting and devastating.” said a glum Rajan, whose usual warmth in the office was felt absent by almost everyone except his boss, who gave him a sermon on office etiquettes when he found Rajan logged into his facebook account as soon as the working hours began.

“I think he was checking profiles of all the people named ‘Sanjay’ in his wife’s friends list when that fat man intruded.” said Rajan’s colleague and facebook expert Kaushik, who was staring at Rajan’s computer screen while the boss (fat man) gave a dressing down to Rajan.

Talking exclusively to Faking News, Rajan later conceded that he indeed was trying to find out details of the ‘Sanju’ his wife had remembered last night, in all probability ‘Sanjay’ being his real name.

“I don’t know what I’d do with that, but I’m just curious.” said a visibly confused and upset Rajan.

“Maybe furious too.” he added.

Meanwhile Savita too had been grappling with the crisis and looking for help from whatever quarters she could manage. She even called a ‘Love Guru’ on some local FM channel, who advised her to come clean and tell her husband about her past affairs.

“What a jerk!” Savita said as she reckoned Love Guru’s solution completely unhelpful, even though she accepted that Rajan had most probably guessed that she had a boyfriend nicknamed ‘Sanju’ and perhaps she would need to accept it sooner or later.

“But I don’t want to accept it. Did he tell me about his earlier relationships? I’m sure he must have had them too.” she said, exposing the delicate stage through which their relationship was going due to the last night’s gaffe.

Caught in this mess and inner turmoil, Savita was seriously considering following the suggestion given by her best friend from school Pavitra, who suggested her to accept having a relationship with their schoolmate Sanjukta, who had been out of touch with almost all others for years now.

“Tell him that you are lesbian, no, bisexual, and this ‘Sanju’ is not any man but a woman named Sanjukta. I guess a man’s ego can take it easier than having to confront another man in his woman’s life, even if it was her past.” argued Pavitra, who sounded convincing to Savita.

Horrible looking co-passenger turns out to be distant relative

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 07:04:11 +0000

Indore. In a shocking revelation for 24-year-old Nirad Singh, the hideous looking middle-aged man traveling along with him in the same railway compartment turned out to be his distant relative, a finding that was chanced upon by Nirad once they started talking two hours after the journey began. Nirad was trying his best to deal with the difficult and embarrassing situation when reports last came in.

“Aha, so you are the nephew of P K Singh’s brother-in-law? I’m his elder cousin from his mother’s side.” said the man with three-day stubble and two publicly exposed decayed teeth, after successfully engaging Nirad in a conversation once he was done with his inquisitions with five others in the same compartment.

The man, later identified as Govardhan Singh, was found talking loudly on phone when Nirad had boarded the train at 12.30 PM earlier today. Later he prepared khaini by clapping and rubbing his palms, negotiated for five minutes to buy Buffin soap strips from an 11-year-old vendor, and even farted unassumingly, making a three-second long whistling sound even as he kept eye contact with others; all of which made Nirad feel disgusted to the core.

“Fucktard even offered me khaini, which infuriated me like anything, but I politely refused.” Nirad shared his frustrating and humiliating experience with Faking News on phone when he came out of the Coach No. B5 of Malwa Express at the next station to breathe in fresh air. Govardhan was sitting next to him with both his legs on the berth and a pair of dirty and smelly socks in his lap.

Amit was hoping to find some beautiful girl as his co-passenger when he had booked the train tickets

For the next couple of hours, Nirad repeatedly felt like bashing Govardhan’s head against the window and throwing him on the tracks under the running train as the man wearing a shirt with floral designs asked all kinds of questions to other passengers in the compartment, and hosted one of his friends from another coach for half an hour as they discussed something about plastic bottles that made no sense at all to anyone else.

“I thought he must have been one of those lower class uncouth folks from that part of the country, you know, but was shocked to find out that he shared some relatives with me!” said Nirad, who was devastated to discover this unexplored aspect of his lineage, and started averting eyes with others in the compartment once his association with Govardhan went public.

Nirad conceded that for a moment he even tried to rationalize the behavior of Govardhan after being exposed to the relationship with him, but found it very discomforting and impractical.

“I can accept the fact that we evolved from apes but can’t admit such chaps being in my family tree.” Nirad said, calling for a narrower and stricter definition of a family to be adopted by the society.

According to sources, Govardhan was ready with a plan to use Nirad’s slippers to go to the rather dirty bathroom in the railway coach for taking a dump, a possibility Nirad had not yet envisioned even as he mulled deeply over the worth of social relationships.

Couple in love for three weeks break up publicly in shopping mall

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:09:36 +0000

New Delhi. Ankit, 25, and Tina, 24, were madly in love and had been going steady for almost three weeks now before they suddenly broke up in a shopping mall earlier today. The incident has sent shockwaves to many, who thought both of them were made for each other as Ankit had gifted a Micromax Bling twinkling cellpone to Tina just three days back. It’s not yet known why the couple broke up.

“Everything was going alright and Tina seemed so happy. She had even bought new skirt that she planned to wear on Ankit’s birthday next month.” said Sarah, a common friend of Ankit and Tina, and ex-girlfriend of Ankit.

An artist’s impression of how the couple in love would have looked like in the shopping mall

“Oh god, I feel so bad for her.” she added.

Sarah refused to share the details of her break-up with Ankit and clarified that her case couldn’t be equated with that of Tina as they were very different in nature.

“She is not my types.” Sarah said, adding that Tina’s taste in dressing was very ‘middle-class’.

Eyewitnesses present at the shopping mall still vividly recall the moment the couple broke up, though not many had specific details on what went wrong between them.

“I was looking at this mannequin when I suddenly heard a female voice scream “you get lost”; that’s when I turned back to see those guys talking agitatedly with each other. The girl looked hot and it seemed she would almost slap that thin but tall guy.” said Virendar, who also tried to make an MMS of the moment but Ankit had beaten a hasty retreat from the mall by then.

“There should be a short-cut button for video-camera on cell phones.” Virendar recalled the moment.

Other couples present at the mall at that time too recalled the moment of the break-up but could only speculate over what could have caused it.

“I guess the girl caught the guy with another girl.” Smita, who was shopping with her boyfriend in the same mall when the incident took place, said, adding, “Furthermore, they never looked a perfect couple together, they were bound to break up; I could have predicted that even if there was no fight.”

But not many of the friends of Ankit and Tina agree as they maintain that were such a sweet couple together.

“Yes, Tina was upset last night as Ankit didn’t call her back after rejecting her call, but didn’t know it could lead to their break-off.” Chetan, one of the school friends of Tina, wondered.

Ankit, who works as a call center executive in Gurgaon, had spent around 35,700 rupees on his latest affair, his friends inform.

“I hope he comes out of it soon.” wished Aman, one of Ankit’s twenty-seven best friends.

Campus stunned as middle-aged alumnus tries to act cool

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 10:25:52 +0000

Pune. “Hey, watching porn and thinking about the hottest chick on the campus? Gotcha!” was the statement that shocked 21-year-old Amey as a 40-something old boy of his business school barged into his hostel room when he was watching some YouTube video on his laptop. The old boy, Shakti Sawant, was visiting Indian Institute of Global Management (IIGM) to take part in the silver jubilee alumni reunion of the batch of 1985.

Shakti, who could be turning 50 next year according to some sources, also visited his old hostel and shocked the current students with his actions as he tried his best to mingle and ‘connect’ with them.

“All that he talked was about girls, porn, and booze.” disclosed a rather disappointed Amey, residing in room no. 16 of Tilak hostel, which happened to be the same room and hostel that was occupied by Shakti some 25 years ago. “Already we keep talking such things almost the whole day, what’s the point discussing the same stuffs with the old boys?” Amey wondered.

“He was a complete disappointment.” he added.

Experts believe that many Indian actors in their 40’s playing roles of college students and youngsters has led some people to believe that they can remain young as long as they want

Shakti allegedly asked all the hostel guys to assemble in the common room as he told them about the hot girls of his batch and how he used to spend hours in front of the girls’ hostel by bribing the security guards with cigarettes and gutkha.

“We are allowed to go inside girls’ hostel now.” a rather deadpan voice among the students informed Shakti, who then winked at the rather bored crowd, saying, “Lucky bastards you all are!”

It’s not that everyone in the hostel was bored with Shakti’s stories. A bunch of 3-4 guys kept on prodding him to come up with more stories of sleaze from the past, something that assured Shakti, now Marketing Head of an MNC, that his attempts of connecting with the new crowd was working well.

The alumnus then moved out of his old hostel to meet his old batch-mates, leaving behind a disappointed current batch.

“He didn’t even treat us with Pizzas! Chindichor saala!” complained Nishant, one of the few guys who had shown keen interest in Shakti’s stories.

But Shakti believes that he could impress the current batch and that meritorious students from the campus would show keen interest in joining his company when he comes back for recruitment during the placements.

“You are only as old as you feel yourself to be.” Shakti told Faking News.

Office losers still trying to get fresh with girl who cracked a non-veg joke that day

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 24 May 2010 10:40:17 +0000

Noida, Uttar Pradesh. Two weeks have passed since Swati, 24, cracked a rather cheeky joke during an office party, but she can still find office losers smiling at her for no apparent reasons other than that joke in all probability. Losers are attempting hard to start a dialogue with her and try to bring Sherlyn Chopra in the conversation, a Bollywood actress about whom Swati had passed a remark, which was deemed as bold, non-veg, mast, phaadu, etc. by her bosses and colleagues, making her the center of attraction since then.

“All I had said was – men hardly look at Sherlyn’s face when she is on screen – and since then all of these losers are looking at my face.” rued Swati, who now has to reluctantly exchange smiles and pleasantries even with those people whom she had never interacted with for the whole eighteen months of her current employment, either for personal or professional reasons.

Many losers confessed that they had imagined Swati perched upon her workstation like Sherlyn Chopra in the above picture after she had cracked the joke

But losers believe Swati is ‘approachable’.

“Mast ladki hai!” said Sapan, the HR executive who had to be lifted by three men and dropped to his home after he got too sloshed up during that office party. Sapan has asked Swati for coffee three times since then, and is hopeful of joining her soon as he collates the performance appraisal forms.

Other losers, who have been trying hard but are not so hopeful, find Swati partial in her treatment towards men.

“She cracked a joke with her boss but maintains a distance with us.” complained the store manager, who wonders why Swati would always send a housekeeping guy to fetch stationary like file-folders and pins if she could as well walk down to his cubicle to collect those.

“Such kinds of girls use such cheap tricks to get promotion.” complained another loser, who feels Swati purposely averts her eyes when he is looking at her continuously, while she keeps an eye contact with her boss while talking.

“She did smile at me once after the party but now she just avoids me. Why, because I’m just a junior sales guy?” added the loser, who had forwarded many pictures of Sherlyn Chopra in bikinis to Swati the next day after the party.

While Swati is mulling over cutting down her exchange of pleasantries even further, female colleagues of Swati believe that she had purposely cracked that joke and had been secretly enjoying all the attention that she has received since then.

“She has become the favorite of the bosses now, why would she worry? I heard she was working late in the office yesterday with the vice-president. God knows what’s happening.” said a concerned Nidhi with a disapproving frown on her face.

Swati is planning to avoid the next office party, sources inform.

Young Indian lady has completely forgotten her first love

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:45:14 +0000

New Delhi. In a major setback to the age-old belief that Hindustani ladki apna pehla pyaar nahi bhoolti (Indian girl doesn’t ever forget her first love), 25-year-old Neha couldn’t recall any details of her first love at all when she found a decade old greetings card in her store room this morning. The card, which seemed like a Valentine’s Day gift, was sent by some guy called Aman, a name that failed to ring a bell for Neha.

“Must be some guy from the school, ummm… or maybe in the neighborhood.” Neha tried her best to remember some details about the guy, but of no use.

Since the card was with Neha for all these years, she believes she must have accepted it willingly and might have liked this guy back then. “Yeah, I do remember going out many times in my school days with one guy; was his name Aman?” Neha wondered as she searched for “Aman” on facebook, but was further confused as no one named Aman was on her friends list.

Traditionally, Indians are believed to give utmost importance to first love

“I don’t know. We might have kissed a couple of times, not more than that I guess.” Neha said when asked how close she was with this guy, whose name could be Aman.

Neha has been going steady with her latest boyfriend Karan for over six months now, after having broken up with Ishaan, her earlier boyfriend, because he had refused to get rid of his plump Labrador Retriever that used to climb on her and lick her.

“Some relationships don’t work out. We have to move on.” said Neha as she finally gave up on her attempts to recollect details about the Aman guy.

The incident has divided the Indian society into two parts, with one set calling it the modern face of the Indian woman and the other terming it as yet another example of continuous erosion of social values among the youth.

“Are we still supposed to believe and debate stuff like ek ladka aur ek ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte (a boy and a girl can never be ‘just friends’)? It’s time we accept the realities and grow up.” noted actor Rahul Bose said as he wholeheartedly supported Neha’s behavior, but not many agree.

“What nonsense! People remember their first mobile and first bike, but find it hard to remember their first love?” protested Poonam, who still remembers how her first love was beaten black and blue by his elder brother. Now married to another guy, she believes that girls like Neha have been corrupted by the market.

“There was time when we grew up watching ads of Jai soap that taught us virtues of pehla pyaar, now we see DoCoMo ads where a girl and a boy decide to break up within seconds.” lamented Poonam and blamed the modern generation for blindly following the ‘market culture’.

Poonam believes that community elders should step in and rein in erring youngsters like Neha, the way they reined in Pakistani cricketer Shoaib Malik, who had forgotten his first wife Ayesha Siddiqui.

Students asked to write castes of all the assholes they knew

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 20:52:35 +0000

Muzaffarpur, Bihar. In an unprecedented move that is proving to be highly controversial, students of a state run school here were asked to write down castes of all the assholes they had ever known in their personal capacities. Even though the school administration called it an honest attempt to find out the social statuses of different castes in the modern society, it has caused a widespread outrage, but surprisingly, the students found the activity quite helpful.

“It was an eye opening exercise. I believe that not only every student in Bihar, but every citizen in this country should compulsorily be made to undergo this activity.” said Alok, one of the students who wrote down a list of 23 assholes that he had known in his 17 years long life.

Alok revealed that out of those 23 assholes, at least 15 belonged to his own caste.

Many students couldn’t keep on adding the names of more assholes as the unsettling realization slowly dawned upon them

“I was shocked. Almost every one of those assholes, who had caused me and my family members pain and suffering or had ditched us during troubled times, was turning out to be of my own caste. And yet, we have been so full of animosity towards people from other castes.” Alok revealed, conceding that the results forced him to think and introspect.

Alok expressed a strong belief that if his parents were asked to undergo the same activity, they too would end up compiling a list of assholes, most of whom would actually belong to their own caste.

“I don’t think that after finalizing such a list they would still argue that the real threat came from people outside our caste. It’s our own people, of our own castes, who loot us on most of the occasions.” said Alok, who is confident that his own distant maternal uncle, who seized their ancestral house, would be listed as the asshole number one by his parents.

Similar sentiments were echoed by other students belonging to different castes, all of whom reported an overwhelmingly high proportion of same-caste assholes in their respective lists.

The list of assholes compiled by the students included those set of people, who had said foul things in public about their family members, or who had caused them physical injuries, or who had duped them out of money, or who had caused other personal and family problems to them.

“We have always heard calls like giving vote and daughters to the same caste people. After this activity, I don’t want to do either of those.” said Piyush, another student who found the activity eye-opening, further adding, “What the hell man, we have been thinking and behaving like assholes till now!”

The students have appealed to everyone in the society to undertake this list-making activity and undergo an honest introspection at a personal level about the caste based realities in our interpersonal relationships.

Man now in his 30′s still singing rap songs of Baba Sehgal

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 08:52:38 +0000

Ranchi. He might look like yet another 33-year-old corporate executive in first look, but Rajesh Kumar is not your everyday elder brother our uncle type of guy. He claims to be a teenager at heart, who still enjoys the Hindi rap songs of Baba Sehgal. Not a single day has passed since he passed out of his high-school when Rajesh has not sung Thanda Thanda Paani.

“Main five star hotel pehli baar gaya, maine dekha paani se bhara swimming pool, aaya manager, bola baithiye please sir sir sir, aapki sewa mein main haazair hoon, kuch farmaiye, boliye kya aapko chahiye.” Rajesh burst into the lyrics as soon as we asked him about his favorite song, which he maintains as being the best ever narrative of a 5-Star hotel and duties of a manager.

Rajesh still remembers how he had become famous in his high-school for singing this song and used to sing it during birthday parties of all his friends. Rajesh had learnt many other rap songs of that era by writing down their lyrics on paper after repeatedly hitting the pause and rewind button of his first audio cassette player. He was a sensation among his classmates.

Baba Sehgal makes Rajesh remember his golden days

He still remembers the lyrics of most of those songs. In fact he croons them daily even now in his office, much to the chagrin of his co-workers, who believe Rajesh is a nutcase.

“Who enjoys such songs these days? Looks like this dude has been time traveling!” complained one of Rajesh’s co-workers.

But Rajesh rejects such criticisms and accuses his colleagues and friends of having forgotten their roots.

“Can any of them honestly claim not to have bought Baba’s audio-cassette or have not got this song recorded on a blank cassette from the local cassette seller? What crap are they talking now? They have changed under peer pressure” Rajesh protested.

Rajesh also loves the song Love Rap from the 1994 Bollywood movie Krantiveer, but his all-time favorite song is surprisingly Manjula by Baba Sehgal and not Thanda Thanda Paani. After persistent questioning, we found out that Rajesh had this huge crush on a girl with the same name living in his colony.

“She used to smile and avert her eyes whenever I used to sing Manjula in the birthday parties. I loved her so much.” recalled a wistful Rajesh, who went silent for some time before adding, “Her house number was 7-B.”

“She is married now. I guess she lives in Bangalore with her husband and one son.” Rajesh said as we wrapped up the interview.

Panchayat asks people to stop calling human genitals as “private parts”

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 04:30:03 +0000

Greater Noida. A Khap Panchayat has declared that human genitals should not be referred to as “private parts” anymore. The Panchayat has outlawed the term with immediate effect and has also asked others in the society to discontinue the practice. The decision was taken after a meeting of senior members of the Bawli Bhakeda village Panchayat here, which was called to decide punishment for a young couple who were caught having sex in the paddy field.

The couple, whose identity will be known only after their dead bodies are recovered, were awarded capital punishment for their heinous act. Sources inform that during the course of trial by the Panchayat, the boy, apparently 21-years-old studying in the local polytechnic college, had argued that it was none of the elders’ business to pry on his sexual life.

Boochar Tau says that use of underpants at young age should give a sense of shame rather than a sense of privacy to a young kid

“Whom I’m sleeping with is a private matter, why are you guys concerned?” the unidentified boy had apparently retorted, which proved to be his last words.

After awarding capital punishment to the boy and his girlfriend, the Panchayat noted that the real problem lay in the mindset of younger generation, which made them believe that sex was a private matter. Panchayat members decided to address the root of the problem.

“Genitals must be addressed only as shame-shame-puppy-shame as has been the tradition. The modern education called them private-parts and hence the new generation has lost all shame and thinks it’s their private matter to use their genitals the way they like.” Boochar Tau, the chairman of Khap Panchayat, blamed the modern education for the mess.

Panchayat also announce that anyone using the term “private parts” to refer to the human genitals in the Bawli Bhakeda village be awarded with fifty lashes on his or her buttocks. Boochar Tau justified the punishment as a way to reinforce the assertion that there was nothing like a private part in one’s body.

Boochar Tau stopped short of laying a claim over the genitals of everyone in the society, but reiterated that this sense of privacy and exclusive ownership has to be replaced with a sense of shame to secure harmony in the country. He also appealed to the urban society to follow suit.

“It’s an interesting proposition. I’m not sure about the sense of shame, but the sense of privacy soon could go out of window.” said British Kandy, a sociologist, pointing out that modern technology and lifestyle are anyway shrinking the private spaces. “Boochar Tau is not completely out of sync with the modern times. He just needs to adapt himself a little.” he added.

No fun, no colors, no celebrations this Holi for this asshole

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 09:20:24 +0000

Mumbai. At a time when almost the whole nation is submerged in Holi revelry, an unadulterated asshole in a one-room flat here quietly refuses to take part in the celebrations owing to his self-imposed ban on such traditional festivals. Kiljoy Borekar believes that festivals like Holi are meaningless in the modern times and must be shelved by the humanity. Kiljoy claims that he had stopped celebrating festivals when he was just 3.

“We should save water. Holi wastes a lot of water, and we all know Mumbai is facing water scarcity. I don’t know why people can’t think rationally!” said Kiljoy agitatedly, arguing that most of the traditional festivals have become outdated.

It’s not so that Kiljoy is some loner and doesn’t enjoy social congregations. In fact he likes partying and is currently planning to organize a rain-dance party to welcome new students at his B-school.

Kiljoy believes that Holi has lost all its meaning

Kiljoy also mentioned that most people used Holi just as a pretext to getting closer and physical with women, and he didn’t believe in such cheap tricks.

The 23-year-old thinker had no tinge of color on his face, body or even on his clothes till the reports last came in.

Some of his friends had tried knocking at his door this morning and even threatened him to come out, but Kiljoy maintained a stoic discipline and successfully completed 20 years of his Holiless life.

Friend and family members of Kiljoy are not sure why he turned anti-Holi, even though he was never thrown in any mud-pool by his friends or was beaten up by inebriated revelers. Except that as a 3-year-old kid, he, along with his brother, had started bawling profusely when they couldn’t recognize their mom among a group of deeply colored women on what proved to be his last Holi.

Kiljoy denies any historical or personal reason behind his dislike for Holi, insisting that he had taken the decision after a rational analysis of all the traditional festivals, and pointed out that he had not celebrated Diwali as well.

“I will never celebrate this dirty festival even in the future.” announced the asshole.

AMU forms committee to write manual for having sex on campus

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 15:46:00 +0000

Aligarh. After suspending a professor for being gay, Aligarh Muslim University has formed a high-level committee to compile a set of dos and don’ts for having sex on the university campus. The committee will submit their report, and a set of handbooks, by the end of this month, containing detailed description of acceptable and commendable sexual behavior by students, faculty and other members of the AMU society.

The pressing need for such sexual guidelines was felt when the campus was shocked by visuals of a sting operation showing an almost retired male professor enjoying sex with a male rickshaw-puller. Some students had valiantly and strategically placed the cameras to expose the pervert professor, pushing the AMU authorities into action, who immediately suspended the stung professor.

“This incident clearly shows that anything that happens on the campus can’t be called a private act, as they can become public anytime. Hence it’s imperative that people living on the campus lead an exemplary life, both in private as well as in the public domain. We have decided to issue guidelines in this regard, and sex is the first thing that comes to our mind.” Prof P K Abdul Azis, VC, AMU, said.

The committee at AMU promises to come up with a better manual than earlier attempted by many

The composition of the committee is not yet known and speculations are rife if the members were worthy of representing the AMU society. This has caused a heated debate on the campus.

“We don’t know if there are any women members in the committee.” protested a Seema, a second year BA student, while rickshaw-pullers working in and around the campus worried if any kind of relationship with them could be declared illicit and unlawful.

Others worried if there could be some cross-dressers or pedophiles on the campus, who might have sneaked into the committee and could thrust their sense of morality on others. Others claimed that AMU was virtually a city in itself and one-size-fits-all kind of rules can’t be applied to the campus.

“Today it’s sex, what would be the next on the menu? A manual telling everyone what’s normal and accepted on campus while taking a bath and using toilets?” wondered Irfan, an engineering student, questioning the basic idea behind forming such a committee.

Nonetheless, AMU authorities are confident of coming up with a set of guidelines that would help the university reclaim its loss of glory and reputation due to the sting operation.

“No, it won’t be a rip-off of Kamasutra; our people are capable to creating new guidelines.” averred Prof Azis.

Cupid recalls millions of defective lovers ahead of Valentine’s Day

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 09:22:54 +0000

Heaven. Cupid, the leading global manufacturer of lovers and beautiful people, has decided to recall millions of defective pieces that were offloaded on to Earth in the recent years. The decision was taken after a series of complaints were received from Earth dwellers, who expressed complete dissatisfaction with the performance of these lovers. Eros and Kaamdev too have given their consent to the decision, making it unanimous.

“We had been receiving a lot of complaints for some time now, but the number skyrocketed since the start of this week. We gave a finer look at the products, and unfortunately many of them were indeed malfunctioning. We have decided to recall these and have ordered an inquiry into the incident.” Cupid informed, though he maintained that the products were in pristine and pure form when they had left the warehouse.

With no Cupid around, a lot of people on Earth have been consulting Google

The complaints regarding the products i.e. the lovers have been of various types – bad breath, bad kisser, lack of imagination, low on passion, unfaithful, lustful, rude, half-dude, etc. Although Cupid has refused to call these manufacturing defects, he agreed that there might have been some error.

“Something went wrong. We’re working on getting this fixed as soon as we can. You may be able to try again.” Cupid sounded almost like facebook when asked if these lovers could become normal again.

Cupid then hastily added that Earth too had changed a lot over the years and the environment down there might have ceased to be conducive to the desired functioning of his products.

“I had fitted them with the same word chip that I’ve been using for ages now, but yet all of them write the same love poem that starts with – roses are red, sky is blue – and end within 140 or 160 characters. If the same chip was working well earlier, you can’t call it a manufacturing defect, can you?” Cupid wondered.

Cupid declined to confirm if he was planning to put an authorized user-manual with the future batch of products, but he did express his reservations on various How To and Self Help books on Earth that claimed to contain guidelines for improved performance of his products.

Back on Earth, the news was greeted with happiness and hope by most of the people, although a few cynics believed that cupid will re-release the products without making any changes.

“The way things are, very soon people would start considering these defective pieces as normal. In fact, we’d start celebrating these defects. Don’t we all enjoy Rahul Mahajan’s Swayamvar and UTV’s Emotional Atyachar?” said Shreyas, as he went back to his Google search for a nice Valentine’s Day SMS.

Man files for divorce after spotting cheating wife on Google Earth

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 11:07:48 +0000

New Delhi. A man has filed a case for divorce after he claimed that he saw pictures of his wife cuddling up to a stranger on Google Earth. The man, Shaqqi Usman, was searching for directions to a girls’ hostel on Google Earth Pro, when he spotted the satellite images of his wife Wafaa Usman in the arms of an unidentified man. Shaqqi claims that the images were a clear and crucial proof of his wife’s adulterous character.

“I was shocked to see the images and I immediately printed the images before they could be superimposed by the new ones. Court should direct Google to provide other details about the pictures so that erring wives like mine are brought to book.” Shaqqi said after filing the case in the Delhi High Court.

Spot your spouse

Court has issued summons to Wafaa Usman and Google’s India office in the case and has deferred the hearing for another six months and twenty three days. But it seems that Shaqqi could be in trouble for making this novel use of technology. His wife Wafaa has accused Shaqqi of using a pirated version of the Google Earth software.

“He doesn’t even earn a paisa. The household expenses are being taken care of by me and I am even paying for his internet bills. He downloaded pirated version of Google Earth without my knowledge and now he has come up with this ridiculous accusation. I’d sue Google for privacy if Google doesn’t sue him for using pirated software.” an angry Wafaa told Faking News, adding angrily, “and why the hell was he searching for directions to a girls’ hostel?”

A statement from Google India has tried to downplay the whole situation and has refused to confirm if it would sue Shaqqi Usman for using pirated version of Google Earth Pro. But the company categorically denied that Google Earth infringed upon the privacy rights of any individual.

“The degree of privacy of an act performed by a person in an open or public space is debatable. Google respects the privacy of a person as we don’t even read the content of e-mails on our server.” the statement by the company read.

Single man goes into depression as Valentine’s Week begin

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:20:26 +0000

New Delhi. Pramod Malik, 29, has gone into a sullen mood after he received a spate of SMSes from Vodafone urging him to celebrate Valentine’s Week, even though Pramod has been consistently single since he moved to a boys-only high school when he was thirteen years old. Pramod has not been talking to anyone since today morning and even skipped his day at work today. Friends fear that Pramod has gone into depression.

“He was cool till yesterday and was debating Indian bowling in the first test match between India and South Africa, but went into his shell after his mobile beeped a couple of times.” Kabeer, who shares a flat with Pramod said, “This morning he was in the balcony and was looking at the roses planted in our flowerpots when his mobile beeped again; he came back in his room and locked himself up.”

Valentine's Week contains eight days - experts believe that soon a Valentine’s Month with 44 days could be launched with special schemes by various marketing companies

Pramod opened the door of his room after persistent requests from Kabeer but he has not been talking to anyone since then. Kabeer checked his mobile and there were numerous SMSes about celebrating Rose Day (yesterday) and Propose Day (today).

“Clearly all these talk about rose and propose has turned him morose.” Kabeer rued.

Kabeer has thrown out all the chocolates from their fridge as tomorrow happens to be the Chocolate Day as per these celebrations. “What’s making things worse, is that even the normal marketing SMSes by Vodafone are prefixed with VD, but in the scheme of things they could be being read as Valentine’s Day by Pramod.” suspected Kabeer.

It’s not for the first time when Pramod has felt sad with Valentine’s Day festivities approaching. Friends inform that Pramod has been trying to approach girls for around seven years now but has failed to win a single girl.

“He tried everything; he changed his hairstyle to all possible ways, he learnt English slangs, he went gymming, he even tried looking like SRK, giving his eyes an intense look with his eyebrows shaped like a slanting tilde, but nothing worked.” revealed a friend on the conditions of anonymity.

But it seems Pramod might be soon pulled out of this situation as Vodafone was sending out new SMSes called VD Friends: “Deepika, Genelia, and Sania! Make new friends this Valentine’s Day. Just dial 53319 and enjoy! Premium charges apply, for more visit our website.”