“She has been married, apparently twice, for many years now, and we hope she comes up with something similar on post-marital sex.” said Supriye Sharma, upmarket editor of Metro Today, “maybe she could talk about Indian husbands refusing oral-sex, or them being bad at foreplay, or something similar. We can suggest more stuff if she agrees to talk.”

Kushboo’s views are supposed to harm Indian culture and disrupt peace in public life

“But make her talk exclusively to us only.” Supriye directed his subordinate Vidhya on phone from Delhi.

Supriye has picked up two reporters for this very important story, with one (Vidhya, the entertainment reporter) being asked to follow Kushboo, and the other (Nitin, the political reporter) stationed at offices of Dalit Panthers and Pattali Makkal Katchi.

“Get their reactions as soon as Vidhya texts you.” Supriye called Nitin afterwards, planning the news gathering, “ask them if they felt that Kushboo was crossing all limits of decency, and their plans to protest over her controversial comments.”

After hanging up the phone, Supriye composed a mail to the features editor in Mumbai to work on a series of graphic rich articles and zoomerang powered surveys exploring the sexual life and habits of married Indian couples.

Supriye had a satisfied look at his face after sending the mail and was about to order Chicken Tetrazzini with Spaghetti for lunch, when his phone rang. It was Nitin calling.

“What about the Jayalalithaa story where she had released documents hinting at 2G spectrum scam? Do I drop that story?” asked Nitin.

“Of course!” said Supriye.

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The breakthrough came this Saturday evening, after Dr Kumar and his assistant Raj perfected the nano-device that identifies and selectively kills cancer cells after having toiled continuously since Friday morning in the lab. Unfortunately, IPL Commissioner Lalit Modi laid fresh allegations against unknown and unnamed people at the very same moment, diverting the media’s attention from all other, relatively mundane topics.

Indian Institute of Science was covered by media in December 2005 after a suspected terror attack

“I understand that the media has more important stories to cover with much higher TRP potential,” said Dr Kumar, in an understanding tone, flipping channels on his TV. “They’ll eventually get to it. Once they conclusively determine whether the Psychic Baba can actually talk to Re-born Pishachinis or not, they will have no choice but to talk about my device which is going to save a few crore lives every year.”

“We have confirmed the discovery several times over, while waiting for the press crews to arrive,” said IISc Director Dr V. Rajagopalan. “I’m quite sure our press note must have gotten misplaced among all the photos of Mayawati’s money garlands. Yes, that’s what must have happened.”

For the whole of Saturday night Dr Kumar avoided going to sleep, expecting the door bell to ring any moment. But then he realized these things take time, especially with khap panchayats meddling so much into people’s private affairs, and took a long, refreshing nap. When he woke up, his wife assured him that the channels were still covering the anniversary of the appearance of Ganeshji Shaped Like a Potato.

Taking a long view of things, Dr Kumar said, “I may get a Nobel Prize for this. But that won’t matter until we can definitively establish who can and can not garland a statue of Dr B R Ambedkar.”

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“Yes, that appears like a lot of questions,” admitted Arnab Goswami, Editor-in-Chief of Times Now and the host of The Newshour show. “But I am asking this question to you tonight. And gentleman, I want an honest answer from you. Would you still have watched our shows if we hadn’t asked any questions at all?” Arnab asked our reporter, arguably the 702855^th question.

Sometimes three or more questions can be seen being asked on the channel at the same time

Most of the television news viewers agreed that the questions asked by Times Now were usually sort of interesting, but most of them were unsure where to find the answers.

“Questions are alright, but I could never get the answers, even though The Newshour always overshoots its time limit. For example I still don’t know if Shiney Ahuja is innocent or a rapist?” said Venkat Ashok, a Times Now follower, who also wondered if the channel could come up with a question bank soon containing all the questions asked till date.

Times Now representatives have rejected such criticisms and have argued that the channel’s job was to ask questions, and it couldn’t be held responsible or accountable for lack of answers.

Some hardcore fans of the channel too share the view.

“A news channel is not supposed to provide answers; the common citizens have to hunt for them. Those who want readymade answers without applying their brains should watch NDTV and other similar channels. Barkha Dutt has the answers to all the questions.” said Sameer, a Times Now fan.

Meanwhile Times Now has refused to confirm or deny the rumors that the channel was planning a grand party whenever it breached the one million questions asked milestone.

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“Watching India TV is awesomeness.” said the paataal ka bauna (the dwarf from the underground) as he expressed his deepest delight after the results of the poll were announced, where India TV grossed more than three-fourth of the total valid votes polled. Vampires and other members of the consortium belonging to the Telangana region didn’t participate in the poll to register their protest for the formation of a separate state.

“I am pretty sure our bhoot brethrens from Telangana would have voted no differently.” said the kapde churane wala bhoot (the ghost who stole your clothes), expressing confidence that the results would have been no different either ways. “There is a near unanimity among all of us on the issue of India TV. We all love when they break news.” added the cloth-stealing ghost.

One of the thousands of news stories of India TV that Chudails love to watch again and again

When asked why these allegedly ghoulish creatures loved India TV so much, all the ghosts and witches started laughing devilishly. They laughed continuously for around two hours, pausing thirteen times in between to take commercial breaks, before their leader, the pyaaz maangne wali chudail (the onion loving witch) spoke up.

“We used to love Ramsay Brothers, but those guys stopped producing quality movies and moved to television with Zee Horror Show. But even that show stopped when the world moved into 21^st century. Our TRPs were falling like crazy. And then, the 9/11 attacks happened; the world got besotted with terrorists thereafter. We were like, what-the-fuck, nobody seemed to be terrified of us anymore. Some of the good people like David Icke tried to blame 9/11 on people like us, but no one took them seriously. We were so depressed.” said the onion loving witch, as other members of the consortium nodded in agreement.

The members surprisingly revealed that they were not so upbeat when Rajat Sharma launched the channel in 2004. They thought it was just another news channel for human beings. But their interest level went up when they saw Shakti Kapoor molesting a girl on India TV. Excited at the scenes, the members decided to become patrons of India TV.

“Our loyalty paid off. Soon we were back in news and business.” said the witch, grinning and smiling like SPS Rathore. The members vehemently denied that they had any stake in India TV. “We are poor people; we can’t invest or buy stakes in your modern businesses. But if we had money, we surely would have invested in India TV.” admitted the witch.

All the witches, ghosts, vampires, black-magicians, devils, etc. have wished all the best to India TV for the new year and the new decade.

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“See, all of them are wearing blue swimsuits, we can write a trend story on how blue is going to be the color this winter, we can also use stills from the Blue movie.” proposed Kimmi, the 21-year-old expert on fashion news wearing a deep V neck T-shirt, adding to the spirited discussion among her colleagues who thought it was a brilliant idea worth exploring.

Such pictures inspired the journalists to think over various issues for discussion

Buoyed by the marvel at her suggestion, Kimmi jumped over from her chair to sit on the desk, just close to the pictures of the sexy girls, and proceeded to buttress her point to four of her co-workers, who had huddled around her chair in the cubicle. “Maybe we can mention the blue color of Manmohan Singh’s turban too as a fashion statement by our Prime Minister?” Kimmi shrugged her arms to a bunch of thoughtful journalists, who then came up with names of other possible blue celebrities for discussion.

“Can’t we somehow link these pictures to AIDS, it was World AIDS Day yesterday, and twitter is still red, something around that?” heads nodded in appreciation as 27-year-old Bikas pitched in with his idea, changing the topic from blue to red, though Kimmi frowned and thought it didn’t make any sense. “You sure people would read that?” Kimmi expressed her apprehensions to which Bikas said, “Of course!”

Various other colors were discussed and rejected in the course of next half an hour before someone suggested taking out three of the best pictures from the lot and making a poster on the lines of Amir Khan’s upcoming movie 3 Idiots. “We can use the text from what was given to us by that shoddy PR agency that has been bugging us for an article for a month now. The graphic artists will make the poster, and we can have a walk down, it’s a beautiful day out there.” suggested Anand, 25, with an impish look and tone, setting off girly giggles from everyone.

At the time of filing this report, the group of young and dynamic journalists had shot a mail to their editor to finalize one of the ideas and continued discussing various other stuffs around the pictures as the editor was momentarily out of his office for the last three hours. The group also discussed plans for the party next week to celebrate the rocketing readership of Hilly Times.

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“What are we discussing here? Why have you called these models and actresses? And you just played that music video, why? I’m sorry I’m completely at loss and I can’t think straight. Are we discussing some film that is going to be released tomorrow? What is that ‘lest we forget’ stuff at the backstage? What are we forgetting here? Please help me, I can’t recall anything.” Amar appeared totally baffled and scatterbrained in the middle of the ABS (Always Breaking Some) News’ Live show called “Mumbai has won”.

Taj Hotel was put on fire again and again on television screens lest people forgot 26/11

Sakar Sharma, the ABS newsreader who was anchoring the show, screamed as soon as Amar expressed his failure to recall the 26/11 events. “Irresponsible people like Amar are letting us down!” Sakar pronounced with his index finger pointing towards the sky and his burning eyes looking straight into the camera, before he directly addressed Amar by pointing the finger at him, “Can’t you recall how our countrymen were butchered like lambs a year back. How can you forget Amar? We had showed all those stuff Live and Exclusive! Can you recall now?”

Amar couldn’t recall a stuff as an offended nation watched him blabbering live on television. Finally Sakar had to announce a commercial break after his repeated attempts to make Amar recall the events of 26/11 failed flat. During the break Amar was taken away from the live show and handed over to his friends. “Mumbai has won” resumed after this minor hiccup with all the guests vivid with their memories and demanding some sort of action to be taken against the problems.

“I don’t know what happened to him suddenly. He has a good memory and he remembered everything till yesterday. And tell me, how can you forget the events of 26/11? You forget something only when there is some change or considerable time has elapsed. There hardly has been any change on any front and it’s just been a year.” Amar’s friend Sameer told Faking News as he took away Amar from the venue of “Mumbai has won”.

Amar was later taken to a hospital. He is apparently the only Indian being treated for such sort of amnesia, as the rest of the India thinks they have not forgotten anything.

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“I was meeting him for the first time and I was so excited. Finally he came to the office and as soon as he walked inside, he tore apart some Gutka pouch and emptied the whole stuff into his mouth and threw away the plastic wrapper on the office floor. I was kinda disgusted but still smiled at him. He walked up to me and asked me – aur bachchha kaisa hai (how are you kid) – and proceeded to meet his producer without even waiting for my answer.” Tinku recounted his experience.

Tinku was not sure about the brand of Gutka that Sakar chewed, but he presumed it was Rajnigandha as Sakar went on to behave as if the whole world was at his feet for the next one hour. Tinku believes that Rajnigandha causes people to behave in such a cocky way as its advertising tagline says “munh mein Rajnigandha, kadmo mein duniya” (the world is at your feet if Rajnigandha is in your mouth).

Television news anchor Sakar Sharma, who turned out to be an asshole

“I was willing to give Sakar a benefit of doubt for behaving rather arrogantly with me and his colleagues, but I was shocked when I realized that he knew nothing about the stuff we were supposed to debate on television. He had done no homework and he didn’t even know the difference between percentages and percentiles. I tried to make him understand but he gave up and argued that common viewers would not be able to understand such complex issues. He just wanted to know if I hated my parents for asking me to study.” Tinku was invited to a panel discussion to discuss the switch to grading system from marks in class Xth board exams.

Tinku and another guest, a supposed educationist who kept on asking for his honorarium money after the discussion, got very few moments to speak between commercial breaks as Sakar asked them questions about school-fees, uniforms, jealousy, gender inequality and threat from cheap Chinese textbooks. Tinku’s parents were also called up during the discussion and Sakar asked them if they would beat up Tinku and lock him up in the bathroom if he failed to get the maximum marks in the board exams.

“That was so demeaning. I almost hated him for asking that question. And it didn’t make any sense when we were supposed to discuss the impact of grades instead of marks for the coming exams. He simply refused to discuss the stuff which he was intellectually incapable of understanding, claiming the viewers won’t appreciate it. I was dead sure by then that he was an asshole.” Tinku said.

Sakar’s top pitch voice and apparent ‘grilling’ of his guests used to excite Tinku but he hated these when he was in the studio. Tinku had taken a lot of hand-written notes along with him containing some logical arguments that he thought justified the shift to grading system. But he could not use them as the discussion never centered around the supposed topic of the panel discussion. Furthermore, to his horror, Sakar took one of his notes and made an ugly cartoon of a naked girl during the commercial breaks.

Tinku has now lost all respect for television personalities, although he agreed that he did meet a few people who talked sense in the ABS News office, but they seemed to be too preoccupied with work and didn’t seem to have any authority over the channel’s proceedings. Tinku had a nice chat with a couple of such persons in the conference room of the channel before Sakar came to see him off.

“He at least had the courtesy to see me off and I was happy for that. But my happiness was short-lived as he slapped on my bums and told – exam mein top kariyo launde (get the maximum marks in exams dude) – I almost wanted to hit him back. I would never watch his shows again. He sucks!” Tinku fumed.

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The Newsmakers

New Delhi. A national television news channel of India was duped by a conman, who promised to provide ‘sizzling and hot’ video of Bollywood stars Salman Khan and Katrina Kaif to them. The channel had paid the conman ninety seven lakh rupees for the promised video before the trickster did the vanishing act. The incident was unearthed by our investigative journalism team after the channel lodged a police complaint against the unidentified conman.

“The FIR by the news channel mentioned a case of forgery, fraud and breach of contract, but there was no mention of the incident that led to fraud. We suspected something fishy and decided to dig up the whole issue. We caught hold of a former employee of the channel who was recently laid off for failing to break the story of Aishwarya Rai getting swine flu, even though the news was unconfirmed. He was mighty pissed off with his earlier employer and gave us some vital leads.” Khoja Karim, Faking News investigative journalism team head, proudly proclaimed.

In course of our investigation, we found out that the news channel was first approached by the conman who promised them a sting operation video showing corruption in NREGA, but the man was turned away as none of the editorial bosses seemed interested in it. A week later, the conman returned, and this time he claimed to possess a video capturing Katrina and Salman in intimate moments as well as the Bollywood duo fighting over Vivek Oberai. He was immediately called for a meeting with the bosses.

“The man had made a fake video using some video editing software that morphed faces of Salman and Katrina on a soft porn video. He showed a few small clips to the bosses of the news channel, who immediately got excited (no pun intended). The man claimed that he had a full video with finer resolution, but asked for a hefty price. After several rounds of negotiations, the channel agreed to pay him ninety seven lakh rupees, all upfront.” Khoja Karim revealed the whole story.

After receiving the money, the conman never came back and the television channel realized that they were duped. The channel was forced to lodge a police complaint after the advertisers, who had booked advertisement slots at exorbitant rates for the time when the promised video was supposed to be telecasted, were agitated and threatened the channel with legal actions. Advertisers were not ready to take news channel’s explanation of scrapping the Salman-Katrina program at face value and suspected a manufactured cause.

Meanwhile the same conman seems to have approached Faking News as well because we received an e-mail informing us that we had been selected in the ongoing Microsoft award held this September 2009 (?) and were eligible to be paid one million GBP (pound sterling) in cash! Our verification number was mentioned as KPC/9030108308/03 and we were asked to contact Mr. Tommy Roger at tommyroger83@yahoo.com

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Can you see that?

“Our research department had come up with a study indicating that Indians had long been interested in celebrity armpits. Being a responsible media organization, we had to offer what people of India demanded and hence we decided to run this poll. I’m happy that the results are out. If people want, we can run this contest at regular intervals to track the popularity of celebrity armpits.” Rediff CEO Ajit Balakrishnan told Faking News.

Within minutes of the result being declared, Rediff messageboard was abuzz with people discussing the outcome. Around thousand comments were posted, out of which more than 950 were reported for abuse. Rest of the comments either congratulated John or accused Christian missionaries of having funded the poll. Some comments showed broken URLs of website offering free full body massage, while one user wondered why Brad Pitt was not selected even though his name rhymed with armpit.

But away from the world of comments, John Abraham expressed happiness over the result and thanked fans for selecting his armpits. Media analysts believe that John could now win various advertising contracts for deodorant brands. Some of the experts believe that more such polls could take place in near future as they further the interests of various brands and celebrities.

“We could soon see a ‘Sexiest Feet’ contest to promote a shoe brand. Maybe a ‘Sexiest Hair’ contest to promote a shampoo or even a comb. Having seen the way market and media manipulates us, I’d not be surprised to see a ‘Sexiest Asshole’ contest to promote a brand of toilet paper.” advertising and media critic Aulad Kakkar expressed his fears.

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