“What if we don’t know who succeeds Ratan Tata or the full form of UPA?” Murkhta Kapoor, the national president of IIS (Indian Idiot Society) argued with Faking News.

“We are differently intelligent,” Mr. Kapoor said, “and our intellect should be respected. We too are the citizens of this country.”

The concerned ad has been found to be offensive to the idiots

IIS claims that Indian idiots contribute vibrantly to the growth of nation’s GDP and their contribution can’t be ignored.

“There would have been no MTV Roadies or Bigg Boss without us,” Murkhta Kapoor claimed, “In fact, we are the biggest drivers of growth in the media and entertainment industry and we are also the biggest patrons of the industry.”

“If there was economic slowdown in this country, it was due to those who understand the meaning of CRR and credit policy, and not because of us idiots who think repo-rate is some cricket related term,” he said.

Many experts too agree that idiots shouldn’t be mocked at as they were an important part of the society, especially in the education sector.

“Without them, we would never know who are intelligent,” Arindam Chaudhuri, an educationist said, “Many institutes would run out of business if there were no idiots. We need to think beyond the usual definitions of intelligence and smartness.”

When asked whether they preferred The Times of India over The Hindu, idiots couldn’t understand the question as the concerned advertisement had the name of The Times of India beeped out.

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“Sonia ji wants Food Security bill, strong Lokpal bill, strong rupee, no black money abroad, no farmer suicides, no petrol price hikes, no Mullaperiyar fights, no corruption, no inflation, no crime, no terrorism, no bad things,” a Congress source revealed the noble intentions of the UPA chairperson, which was noted down with utmost respect and sincerity by the mainstream media reporters.

Sonia Gandhi always has the best wishes and blessings for the aam aadmi

“She is annoyed with this government and the Prime Minister, and has asked the UPA allies to pull up the socks,” the Congress source claimed, which was reported verbatim afterwards by the media.

When this reporter asked the Congress source whether this meant that the Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh was taking decisions without consulting Sonia Gandhi, the source claimed that the “charge was baseless”.

“All you need to know (and report) is that Sonia Gandhi is working for the betterment of the nation, the deeds of the government notwithstanding,” the Congress source explained, and blamed coalition politics for some of the mess created.

“What nonsense! Are you an RSS mouthpiece?” the Congress source retorted when Faking News reporter argued that why should Sonia Gandhi, who is the chairperson of the ruling coalition, be not blamed for the shortcomings of this coalition government.

Our reporter immediately apologized for this oversight, following which he was presented with a warm sweater, made of wools of a black sheep, as a token of appreciation.

Later, speaking exclusively to Faking News, the Congress source further claimed that the wish-list of Sonia Gandhi didn’t stop with political issues and she wanted the government to deal with unpleasant issues such as cold weather, slow internet speed, too many pigeons in the cities, and Kamaal Rashid Khan (KRK).

“She cares for the aam aadmi,” the source concluded, and the Faking News reporter agreed.

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While the news has come as a delight of millions of fans and well-wishers of the first family of entertainment, it has set the cat among pigeons for the rest of the news channels as they are now clueless and restless to match the certain popularity of News One during the delivery, which is seen as the most awaited event by many after Sachin’s 100^th international century.

Times Now, claiming to break the news for the first time, hosted a NewsHour debate to discuss “Are child birth telecast rights overpriced?” Arnab Goswami, Editor-in-Chief of Times Now, moderated the debate with 11 panelists and Suhel Seth, and concluded that the Aishwarya’s baby delivery rights were definitely overpriced. His view was supported by 2 of the total 3 panelists, who got chance to speak, thus forming a majority view.

It’s a boy, it’s a girl, or it’s TRP?

NDTV has announced formation of an ethics committee under leadership of Group Editor Barkha Dutt that will submit its report if the decision of News One was unethical and whether the newly launched news channel should be suspended from the Broadcast Editors’ Association (BEA).

The reaction of CNN-IBN was most intriguing. While Sagarika Ghose announced that even her channel would broadcast the delivery live, though sometime next year, the channel’s Editor-in-Chief Rajdeep Sardesai appeared to be totally against such a move.

“Thousands of children die of malnutrition daily. No coverage. One celebrity child is born. Live coverage! Happens only in India. Gnight,” one of the five good-night tweets by Rajdeep read.

Apart from television channels, the decision by the news channel and the Bachchan family, who apparently sold the broadcast rights, has received criticism from Breach Candy too. Hospital management believes that some proceeds from the broadcast rights should have gone to the hospital trust to treat poor patients like Deshdrohi actor Kamaal Rashid Khan.

“Crap! I can buy hundreds of breach candy hospitals,” KRK, as Kamaal Rashid Khan is popularly known, tweeted his view.

Not only KRK, the decision by the Bachchan family has also upset others in the entertainment industry.

“Bachchans should have roped in other celebrities, who could have appeared on national television while paying a visit to the hospital. This could have increased the value of broadcast rights and brought business to the industry,” a Bollywood trade analyst argued, “After all, this concept is not original. Aamir Khan had broadcast a child delivery live on webcam in 3 Idiots.”

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5. TV channel finds a man who still doesn’t know about Ra.One

News One, the news channel that found this man, has refused to reveal his identity citing security and privacy concerns. However rival channels claim that News One has held the man in captivity for exclusive soundbites and interviews.

Earlier it was believed that Every.One knew about Ra.One, the movie.

“He is the one who kidnapped Sita,” the man was heard replying to the question “What do you know about Ra.One?” by the News One reporter. This soundbite was played at least three thousand times since today morning as news spread like wildfire and people switched channels to watch News One.

The reporter Roshan Khan found this man deep in the caves of the Himalayas, News One sources say. Roshan has gone there to file a special report on how Yetis (also known as bigfoot or snowman) celebrate Diwali, but ended up talking to this man who didn’t know a thing about Ra.One.

“I was stunned,” Roshan recalled his first encounter with the man, “I was frustrated over not having found a Yeti, but I hadn’t imagined that I will find such a man. I was sure that my bosses in Delhi would love this news story and I was not wrong!”

News One sources say that Roshan could be given a plum promotion after filing this news story, as his earlier news reports on corruption in government offices were given thumbs down by the editorial head of the channel. That’s when he was assigned the assignment on filing a story on how Yetis celebrate Diwali.

This disturbing development has also raised serious questions about Shah Rukh Khan’s ability to be a master promoter. The latest episode is another egg on the face of SRK after Aamir Khan gave Ghajini haircuts during the launch of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. This time too, Aamir announced a television show just before Ra.One’s release date. To be fair, SRK tried everything, but the latest episode shows that he is still unable to reach everyone.

Both SRK and other news channels have ordered respective inquiries over how could they miss such a man. Heads could roll in both Red Chillies Entertainment as well as other news channels, sources tell Faking News.

Meanwhile the TRP of News One has shot through the roof, as people flocked to their TV sets to see “the man who does not know Ra.One“. News One has now promised to live up to its image by unearthing an honest politician in its next special report.

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“This is ridiculous!” Mukesh Sharma, the editor-in-chief of the leading news channel told Faking News, “Now the authorities tell us that those areas were submerged for the last few weeks! How are we supposed to know? Had they informed us in advance, our team wouldn’t have been forced to come back after traveling all the distance from New Delhi.”

The reporters of News One asked this man if he was a fan of Shakti Kapoor, the only male housemate of this year’s Bigg Boss, but he seemed least interested in responding.

Mukesh Sharma informed that due to this careless attitude of the government officials, his channel had to incur a waste of around 5,75,200 rupees that were spent on travel, food, and sundry expenses of the seven member team that was chosen to bring back exclusive interviews of people living in rural India about what they thought about Bigg Boss.

“This year’s Bigg Boss has a rural contestant called Gulabo Sapera and our editorial team thought that it would be a nice idea to find out what the rural India thought about Bigg Boss,” the editorial head of News One said, “We have plans to educate every member of the sapera community (snake charmers) living in rural India and unite them to rally behind Gulabo to make her the winner of the reality show.”

However, the floods in Orissa, feared to have killed dozens and made thousands homeless, spoiled the plans of News One.

“What are we supposed to do now? Shoot flood waters and report about submerged villages?” Mukesh Sharma expressed his frustration, “Our team tried their best to ask a few of the people on boats there about Bigg Boss, but the locals refused to cooperate! Such a shame!”

Mukesh further informed that the channel has learned from its “mistakes” and has asked its team not to go to Manipur to get any reactions as there was some kind of blockade happening there, causing the prices of essential commodities to shoot up, which could in turn screw up the budget the news channel has allocated for this special programme on Bigg Boss.

However Mandeep, the cameraperson who could shoot a few areas submerged in flood waters while the reporter tried his best to get reactions of local people on boat or on roofs, thinks that the whole exercise may not be a complete waste.

“We could use these video clips next time we have heavy rains in Mumbai or waterlogging in Delhi,” Mandeep said, “Who would know, and who cares?”

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“They can’t think straight after the roof fell on them, but they continued working and writing news reports after getting some first aid,” confirmed an employee of India TV on conditions of anonymity, “Doctors say that they will get back to their senses after a week, but they appear to be working just fine. They wrote various news reports that were as good as they used to write before losing their senses.”

However, India TV administration are seeking compensation from NASA and the US government as they claim that their office building and some suspected journalists have suffered huge losses.

“Maybe it didn’t cause much loss in terms of human resources, but what about that big hole in the roof. Forget journalists, but how can we survive without a roof?” CEO of India TV argued, and declared the now damaged area in the ceiling as “Roof Zero – India’s Ground Zero”.

If India TV fails to get any compensation from NASA, they could claim that the debris was part of an aircraft of aliens who had come on earth to kidnap cows.

It should be noted that under the existing international space law, US could be asked to pay damages to a country hit by falling debris of an American satellite. This is guaranteed under the “Liability Convention” of 1972, of which India is a signatory.

However, there is another treaty under the space law called the “Rescue Agreement”, which makes it incumbent upon a claimant to first inform the US about the discovery of the debris and facilitate its return before claiming the damages.

This could become tricky as India TV employees have badly disfigured the fallen chunk of UARS and it no longer looks like debris of any satellite.

“There was large scale panic in the studio after the debris fell and people thought it was the result of black magic by a suspected daayan (witch) living in Sector 56 of Noida,” a source in India TV described the initial reaction of the journalists, “Many journalists rushed towards the debris and started beating it with camera stands and mantras, after which dozens of nimbu-mirchi totems were tagged onto it to ward off any evil forces inside.”

Faking News reporter can confirm that the UARS debris now looks like a prop from Ramsay Brothers’ horror movie more than any space object, and NASA could as well refuse to accept it as any evidence.

“NASA didn’t pay even 400 dollars to Australia when their satellite Skylab fell inside the Australian territory,” a space scientist pointed out, “India TV should forget about getting any compensation. Instead, they should try to make as much news from it as possible and try to earn enough to repair the damaged roof.”

But India TV can still hope to get some compensation as there is a piece of evidence that could go in their favor – the update on the NASA website. The update reads:

“UARS has crashed landed and people should now stop worrying. Everyone in the US is safe as the debris has hit a cartoon television channel in India, causing very minor damages. NASA is happy that the whole affair has ended safely.”

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The yearbook will contain some of the mindboggling comments left by readers on various news articles published on Rediff.com in the last one year.

“The comments will prove how Rediff acts as a catalyst for lateral thinking among the netizens,” Rediff CEO Ajit Balakrishnan said, “Our website has played a vital role in the growth of creativity in the country and this yearbook is an attempt towards documenting the same.”

Apparently, a Rediff commentator

Sources inform that Rediff is trying to convince the former President of India Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam to inaugurate the yearbook, for Dr. Kalam had always stressed on the need for “creativity”.

However, the going could be tough for Rediff as many of the user comments selected for the yearbook smack of extreme ideologies such as regionalism, casteism, and communalism – something Kalam would never approve of.

“Yes, there are some instances such as Hindus and Muslims clashing on a news report on resignation of Steve Jobs, and Biharis being blamed for Telangana crisis,” Mr. Balakrishnan revealed and conceded that such comments could put off Kalam.

Rediff CEO claimed that such comments, despite being radical in tone and content, were chosen for the yearbook as they proved that Rediff readers were not only overtly creative, they were also politically astute and could have inspired politicians like Digvijay Singh to emulate them.

“I still remember a comment calling for investigation of Tamil Brahmins’ role in 9/11 attacks,” Mr. Balakrishnan recalled a gem of the comment that was left on his website much before Digvijay Singh started blaming Hindu groups for every terror attack.

Rediff is hopeful that once the yearbook is released, it would inspire a whole lot of new commentators to visit their website and leave even more awesome comments with an aim of being featured in the next yearbook.

“We hope to win back those readers who have started commenting on the Times of India website,” a Rediff source said, “We just hope and pray that Times of India doesn’t go ahead and invite their top commentators to The Newshour with Arnab Goswami.”

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“Whenever we switched on the television to watch news, we saw him anchoring bulletins on Times Now; it was adding tension to the already edgy scenario,” Home Minister P Chidambaram justified the arrest, which he claimed was done under the provisions of the section 107 & 151 of the CrPC (Criminal Procedure Code).

Arnab Goswami apparently asked at least thirteen direct questions to the police officers who came to arrest him, and later repeated those to the officials present at the Arthur Road Jail.

Arnab was arrested just before he was to step into his The Newshour studio, where around a dozen guests were scheduled to discuss the Jan Lokpal impasse with him. Arnab had already declared the Prime Minister’s letter to Anna Hazare as “smokescreen”, which many people believe became the reason for his arrest.

“Not at all! We respect freedom of speech of our citizens. He was not arrested for opposing the government,” Chidambaram denied the rumours, “It was a routine decision to maintain law and order in the country.”

Chidambaram further claimed that the government was also worried about the health of Arnab, which could have deteriorated had he not stopped his indefinite anchoring.

“He clearly was skipping lunch and dinner to anchor television debates. How else can he be on-air all the time? Any doctor can vouch that such practice will have negative impact on the health of a person,” Chidambaram claimed.

Although Chidambaram took full responsibility of the latest arrest and didn’t blame it on the state police as he had done in the case of Anna Hazare’s arrest earlier, sources tell Faking News that the orders for arresting Arnab Goswami came directly from the PMO (Prime Minister’s Office).

“Prime Minister was mighty worried about the health of Arnab. After Sonia Gandhi and Anna Hazare, he can’t afford to take care of wellbeing of a third person. He is feeling like a nurse nowadays,” a PMO source revealed.

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His new website will be called “Adarsh Twitter” and will give membership only to “Adarsh” bloggers. “No, it doesn’t mean people with fake IDs; Adarsh means ‘Ideal’ in case you have forgotten after watching too much news,” an official of Network 18, the parent company of CNN-IBN clarified.

To become a member of Adarsh Twitter, a person would need to submit medical certificate to prove that the bile and acid levels in his body were under control. Only those with “acceptable” levels will be allowed in.

Rajdeep Sardesai reacts when asked if his new website will be as popular as the current Twitter

Current Twitter users having a history of bilious and ignorant tweets, especially directed against popular journalists, will be denied membership unless they pass an entrance test. This test will be in shape of a compulsory IQ test that is aimed at keeping the ignoramuses at bay. Faking News got a leaked question from a sample IQ test:

Q: Do you think the government is serious about an effective Lokpal bill?

• No way! The ruling fucktards are fooling us.
• Yes they are! Civil society members are impractical cynics.
• This country is going to the dogs, bill or no bill.
• Whatever Rajdeep says.

Once all the tests are cleared, the member would be verified and would have a “α” sign displayed next to their name, indicating they were “reformed” and “Adarsh” for speaking out in public.

Further, initial tweets would be limited to only few characters; in fact, there would be an option to choose some “approved tweets” from a drop down menu with words like – “certainly agree”, “well said”, “waah waah”, “good night”, et al.

A member would get loyalty points for tweeting these chosen words. The accumulated points can later be redeemed to get more characters. Special points would be rewarded to those re-tweeting Rajdeep’s or other top journalists’ tweets.

Sources inform that Rajdeep is trying to rope in other journalists for his new venture and the initial reactions have been ‘encouraging’. Unconfirmed sources indicate that even the Chinese government has shown interest in “Adarsh Twitter” and have expressed interest in buying a copy.

When asked by Faking News if this wasn’t a direct assault of freedom of speech, Rajdeep replied that he would tweet the reply on Adarsh Twitter (retweeting the reply would earn bonus points). Rajdeep also refused to respond if calling the new website “Adarsh Twitter” violated the copyright laws.

“We have been running a show called Faking News on our Hindi news channel, were you able to do anything?” the Network 18 official dismissed the criticism.

Meanwhile, Rajdeep’s followers on the original (not so Adarsh) Twitter have been shell shocked at his decision.

“What will I do now?” wailed Nerdy Narula, “Rajdeep’s gnite tweets told me and my wife it was night and we had to go to sleep. Now we won’t sleep and I don’t have 3G. God help the country’s population.”

Following such concerns, the Government of India, WHO, and Godrej (makers of Good Knight) are frantically trying to persuade Rajdeep Sardesai to drop his plans.

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The ability to find photos of women with endowed curves is one of the prerequisites for working with The Times of India, and the organization saw no future for itself if its employees lost this competitive edge.

“I think it was the news report about creation of South Sudan, the newest country in the world, and our international desk failed to get a single nude photo of a Sudanese tribal woman!” one of the resident editors of the leading newspaper of India told Faking News.

A show-cause notice to the entertainment desk of Times of India was served earlier by the management when instead of publishing pictures such as the one above, the desk staff chose to publish a picture of Aishwarya Rai from the movie Guru to report on her pregnancy.

“Well, this was actually the last nail in the coffin; even earlier we had noted many missed opportunities where we could have published photos of women showing cleavage but our journalists ended up publishing photos of random stuff like UN headquarters, iPhones and Anna Hazare,” the editor revealed the crisis bugging the organization.

Faced with a future where the newspaper could regularly fail to come up with nude or semi-nude pictures of women, the top management of Times of India decided to shut down the newspaper and concentrate the ‘journalistic’ activities on their website, which has been doing the job “fairly well”.

“Apart from the ‘relevant’ pictures that are aplenty on our website, we have also opened the comments section on our website that is giving Rediff.com a run for their money,” a senior marketing manager with Times Group revealed why the media house was more bullish on its online presence.

Sources confirm that such crisis is not unique to Times of India and many other media houses are also battling similar challenges that could force them out of business like the British newspaper “News of the World”, which was forced to shut down today after it lost its USP of getting exclusive news stories.

“An emergency round of meeting at Rediff.com was held this morning after the article on creation of South Sudan failed to attract any fight between North Indians and South Indians or between Hindus and Muslims in the comments section,” our source informed, “While India TV has already suspended a journalist who failed to report about a dog that could successfully pee in a Coke bottle without spilling over.”

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Irom Sharmila, who has been fasting for 10 years to support lifting of the AFSPA powers act in Manipur and is arrested every year under Section 309 of the Indian constitution – said she was happy about finally getting mainstream media’s attention towards issues of the North East but realized something was wrong when the journalist started questioning her about Saif Ali Khan’s upcoming film Aarakshan and “daughter” Soha Ali Khan’s continuing downward spiral in Bollywood.

Irom Chanu Sharmila, also known as the "Iron Lady of Manipur" and "Menghaobi" (found out by Faking News editorial team after reading Wikipedia), reacts after the journalist posed questions about Saif Ali Khan to her.

“I did not know what happened. First I thought my cause is finally getting the attention it deserves along with Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev’s so-called fasts until breakfast. But then she started asking if this was another publicity stunt for son Saif’s new movie and whether conducting the fast in China was a way for Bollywood to reach a new target market. That’s when I realized something was wrong. Who knows where these CNN-IBN people get their training from, but at least we finally saw one camera crew,” said a visibly amused Irom Sharmila who couldn’t stop laughing and stopped the interview midway on realizing the journalist’s error.

Parul, an English Hons. graduate from a top private journalism school in New Delhi describes the incident as follows: “One night I was sitting online on Twitter waiting for my boss Rajdeep’s daily pearls of twisdom, when he asked why Irom Sharmila hadn’t gotten the same coverage as Ramdev over the last 10 years – and I thought WOW! I didn’t know Sharmila had been on a fast for so long. I thought I could cover it and impress Rajdeep into getting a promotion – I mean what’s the point of owning a TV channel and cribbing about her not getting coverage for 10 years?”

On being asked why she didn’t identify Irom Sharmila as being a different person she said, “Arre yaar who knows what these Bollywood people look like without make up? I haven’t seen her on TV since the time grandma watched her movies on Doordarshan and I thought it was her. In hindsight though I guess I should have realized she could not be fasting for 10 years and be the Brooke Bond Red Label brand ambassador at the same time.”

After this faux pas, people in Manipur have requested Delhi media not to make further attempts at sanity as they fear the whole issue going the Jan Lokpal way. “We don’t want Digvijay Singh passing judgments on Menghaobi’s credentials and integrity,” a Manipuri resident expressed his deepest fears.

Back in Delhi, aam aadmi was left wondering if AFSPA was some variant of corruption.

(reported by Khamba [name not changed])

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Your channel Times Now is all set to become India’s first 3D news channel, where you can have three dimensional viewpoints of everything, not only the issues being discussed.

Many people accuse Arnab Goswami of seeing every issue in black and white, but things would change once Times Now shifts to 3D broadcast.

“We realized that in order to justify the tag ‘your channel’ that we have given to Times Now, we must personalize the experience of television viewers,” Vineet Jain, Chairman of Times Group said, “Broadcasting news in 3D seemed the best option as people can feel our anchors and guests spread out in their TV room, and they would almost feel like jumping in the debate themselves.”

Television news viewers agree.

“I already feel like jumping in my television set and punch a couple of faces while watching television news debates,” Sudhir Mehta, a news addict says, “I can’t wait to get a 3D news broadcast where I can light up my cigarette lighter and put it under the face of someone bullshitting with aplomb. I would get to see as if his face is on fire, isn’t so? Damn cool man! All channels should start this. I can’t wait to see Face the Nation with Sagarika Ghose in 3D!”

In fact, not only for studio news and debates, Times Now has specific plans to use 3D television cameras while news gathering, especially when reporting “breaking news”.

“Imagine the video clip of a man throwing slippers on Kalmadi in 3D; I guess people would not want to see news in 2D again,” Mr. Jain expressed hope and confidence.

Experts believe that very soon other news channels, especially Hindi news channels, would have no choice but to start 3D broadcast, as they otherwise seem clueless on ways to improve the “quality” of news.

“If India TV starts showing Rakhi Sawant and Veena Malik in 3D, I can imagine Aaj Tak going out of business,” an expert said.

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Earlier, Indian media was successful in tracing an Indian connection with the royal wedding to a multi-tiered baked cake.

“I would be performing at Buckingham Palace later today,” Katrina, wearing some skimpy clothes as seen in the earlier editions of IPL, announced as many journalists took note of her (statement).

Katrina’s photos were flashed on all the Indian news channels

Katrina, with blonde hair and distinctive European features, claimed that here “ancestors” were Indians and she loved India and Indian culture. When our reporter pointed out that belly dancing was more of an Arabian art form than Indian, she said, “Namaste!”

Faking News also tried to probe Katrina’s claim as the wedding schedule released by the palace had no mention of any belly dancing event, but our reporter’s question was cut short by reporter of leading Indian Hindi news channel who wanted to know if Katrina, the belly dancer, had any relationship with Katrina Kaif, the Bollywood actress of British origin.

“Of course, there is a connection; I am more beautiful than her!” the belly dancer said, winning applauds from the mediapersons, especially the television news reporters, who asked her to perform exclusively for their respective channels.

There has been no precedent of any belly dancers performing during British Royal Weddings till now, although any instance of private performance can’t be ruled out as Prince Charles had earlier asked a part-time belly dancer to show him a few moves.

“Prince of Wales has no such plans for his son’s wedding,” an email reply to a query by Faking News read, which raises question marks over Katrina’s claims. However, the news was already being flashed as breaking news on many Indian channels till reports last came in.

“English Babu, Desi Mem,” read one of the headlines.

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India TV enriching its viewers with a valuable piece of information

“I’m not sure of the world, but the whole clan of Hindi television journalists could end by 21 December 2012,” Acharya Indu Prakash, a leading expert on predictions and almost anything, claimed during a report telecast on India TV after the deaths were confirmed by a local hospital.

Following the recent earthquake in Japan, Hindi news channels like India TV, Aaj Tak, IBN7, and others have been reporting diligently how these natural disasters could be the possible signs of the world ending in 2012 i.e. the doomsday as predicted by some Mayan calendar.

“It seems that those three guys started believing the news reports they were writing and producing,” Dr. Ashok Sinha of Jaanlewa Hospital near the India TV office deduced, “We are trying to decipher a suicide note that they had left; it’s as badly written as their news reports.”

India TV reporting and analyzing the natural disasters in Japan

Dr. Sinha, a neurosurgeon, further claimed that after the “failed” doomsday prediction by the Hindi news channels in September 2008, when they scared the shit out of everyone by claiming that the world would end due to the Large Hadron Collider experiment by CERN, no one, maybe except themselves, takes the Hindi television journalists seriously now.

“Chhaya, a girl in a Madhya Pradesh village, had then committed suicide after channels like India TV had predicted that the earth would crack up and people would be sucked inside a black hole due to the Big Bang experiment,” Dr. Sinha recalled, “I’m not sure if these three were the guys who had written that horrible news report as well.”

Meanwhile India TV has refused to give Faking News the details of the journalists who committed suicide, but they could share the information with other Hindi news channels, which in turn could use the news of these suicides as a further sign of the impending doomsday in 2012.

Possibly Related News:

1. Khap Panchayat orders its own “Natha” to commit suicide
2. People already bored and done with 2012, survey reveals
3. Times of India to shut down after journalists fail to find photo showing cleavage
4. Sharad Pawar blamed as cricketers commit suicide over form failure
5. India TV beats Aaj Tak by three Rakhi Sawants in world cup

“I don’t know what went wrong,” Aaj Tak coach Qamar Wahid Naqvi said, “We had changed the captain, we had almost overhauled the janitorial editorial team, but somehow we fell short of three Rakhi Sawants.”

In the closely contested match Aaj Tak was following a score set by India TV, as they have been doing since India TV changed the rules of the game with mindless hitting a few years back. India TV won the Big Toss and set a mammoth score of 386 Rakhi Sawants that included 42 Veena Maliks to the boundary and host of other retarded quick singles.

India TV had defeated Aaj Tak by twelve inches in a similar match earlier

“They batted extremely well,” Mr. Naqvi conceded and congratulated India TV on its stellar performance, “I hope my boys would learn from them and try to score as many Rakhi Sawants as possible for the rest of the World Cup.”

But the Aaj Tak editorial team complained that India TV was not playing in the true spirit of the game and they bowled “beamers” when Aaj Tak batted. However, the experts are divided over the issue.

“India TV always hits below the belt, I mean they always aim for the area below the waistline, they are simply incapable of bowling beamers,” Ravindra Choudhary, a cricket expert rejected the claims of the Aaj Tak players.

“I think the main reason Aaj Tak lost was because of the alert fielding by India TV,” Ravindra added, “They were diving all around and pouncing on any Rakhi Sawant they saw. A Rakhi Sawant saved from going to the other channel is a Rakhi Sawant scored.”

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1. India TV buys a Psychic Donkey to predict world cup results
2. India beats Pakistan by 2 words in a nail biting bilateral talk
3. Scared of world ending in 2012, India TV journalists commit suicide
4. Rakhi Sawant marries wrong guy due to solar eclipse
5. Betting on which stadium Rahul Gandhi will visit to watch World Cup match

“We are calling it ‘Shy-Kick’ as Chunky doesn’t appear too upbeat upon taking part in the post-match discussions in our studio,” India TV’s Managing Editor Vinod Kapri clarified, “Our original plan was not only to use Chunky for predictions, but also involve him in analysis of the game.”

India TV is already promoting its new hero

“We tried our best to teach Chunky to at least nod or shake his head as responses to some typical questions by news anchors, but he is very shy,” the channels’ editorial head expressed his helplessness.

Mr. Kapri rejected criticisms that it would have been too outlandish and maybe even offensive to involve a donkey in analyzing performances of the teams in a television news studio.

“With proper training, donkeys can take part in prime time news debates,” he claimed, “But this Chunky guy seems low on self-confidence as compared to other guests we normally see on television.”

“Gadha kahin ka,” he muttered with a little annoyance in his tone.

It’s not yet known how much did India TV pay to buy Chunky, but the donkey is now an integral part of the editorial team of the news channel, unless the channel decides to lay him off or transfer him to some other news channel.

“We got a good deal,” confirmed the HR head of India TV, “Chunky would not be drawing any monthly salaries, would be always on duty, and the only operational cost involved would be the leftover food of the canteen!”

“Chunky is a dream employee,” added the HR head, though he declined to comment how good a “journalist” Chunky would prove to be. “Let’s wait till the performance appraisal next year,” he said after persistent questioning by Faking News.

The show involving Chunky, the Shy-Kick Donkey could tentatively be called “Gadhe Ka Gyaan” (wisdom of the donkey) so that it can be used for non-cricketing predictions as well in future.

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1. India TV beats Aaj Tak by three Rakhi Sawants in world cup
2. Scared of world ending in 2012, India TV journalists commit suicide
3. Chudails vote India TV as the Best News Channel of 2000’s
4. Group of Ministers to help India win 2022 FIFA World Cup
5. Barbers hike rates as Dhoni goes bald after world cup victory

FN (Faking News) has a copy of the contract in its possession, which stipulates that from 1^st January 2011 onwards, Bollywood will provide a raunchy item no. for news channels, with all the “making-of-the-<item-song>” video footage and “soundbites” of actors, director, choreographer, cinematographer, technicians, and spotboys.

Clause 2b of the contract says, “The song video must show at least 67% body of the dancer, an adult female human being, uncovered. It should arouse the male human beings of any age nationwide.” While clause 12 clearly states that one item song after each second month should be produced, as the NCA feels that they require at least 6 item songs a year to have stable TRPs.

News channels have been trying their best to realign their news reports to suit the latest item song from Bollywood, now they want to do it in a much organized manner

Sources close to the industry also claim that the news channels are mulling over presenting some of their anchors as Sheela and Munni. They will keep changing their names every two-month when they get the new song. This step will not only guarantee the immediate recognition but much needed eye-balls too. Prime time new bulletins will only be anchored by such beauties.

“Yes, I got a call from a news channel to join them,” Sheela Kejwani, a struggling model and resident of Paharganj in Delhi confirmed.

Apart from TRPs, such step could also bring additional revenues to the news channels as sources inform that some wedding planners have also tied up with the NCA for allowing them to show news channels on huge projector screens during weddings, so that the Baratis can have a blast. This will cut down the cost of DJs as news channels provide the same level of entertainment.

“They have already made circus jokers jobless, now they can’t take away our jobs,” Dharmesh Jani, a DJ protested while taking part in a rally organized by the DJ association at Jantar Mantar. News channels blacked out this news.

But such protests notwithstanding, the deal between the NCA and Bollywood promises to be win-win for everybody. Even the satta bazaar, or the betting market, has put millions of rupees on guessing the name of the next “Munni”. As per our sources, Kajri, Guddo, Kattu and Shaalu are leading the race.

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4. Despite the best efforts by news channels, man forgets 26/11
5. Sunday Magazine: How news channels cover celebrity weddings

“This is better than what Shashi Tharoor episode could do for us,” Dick Costolo, new CEO of Twitter told Faking News, “while Tharoor got us new users, who unfortunately forgot about Twitter once he resigned, Barkha has been phenomenal.”

Costolo, who is on a mission to define Twitter’s long term purpose, believes that Indians could help him discover that elusive answer to “what’s the point of Twitter?”

Barkha Dutt has not yet tweeted about the offer by Twitter

“You know, there were disillusioned hippies in 60’s and 70’s who suddenly developed some sense of purpose after smoking a weed with some Hindu saint in Goa,” Costolo pointed out, “We are keenly following the developments in India to get an answer.”

Costolo further pointed out to recent news reports that have termed Twitter as the new “watchdog” for the mainstream media and the recent activities as being akin to a “revolution” challenging traditional journalism.

“None of these would have been possible if there was no Barkha Dutt,” said Costolo, announcing his intentions to “reward” Barkha for helping Twitter discover its purpose and meaning.

Twitter CEO justified the step and termed it as a “pro bono quid pro quo” and denied any other motive behind it.

“There are many other journalists whose tapes have been leaked too, with a senior journalist like Prabhu Chawla talking about the possibility of Supreme Court judgment being fixed, but it hardly crated any ripple. There is something special about Barkha,” he said.

“If she becomes an integral part of Twitter and keeps on driving people to tweet like crazy, I’m sure our long term purpose would become even clearer,” Costolo hoped.

Costolo categorically denied that Shashi Tharoor had been earlier given any proxy sweat equity in Twitter for the same reason.

“That was all creation by media you see, that’s why you need Twitter,” he said, with a noticeable new found purpose.

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5. Ten tentative tweets that Shsahi Tharoor should avoid as minister

“We had done it as a selfless service to the nation,” Bank Now CEO Ashok Banker said, “Can we imagine our world without Arnab nodding and shaking his head in simple harmonic motion as he debates passionately with guests, experts and Suhel Seth on The Newshour?”

The costliest Indian on the earth

Ashok denied that his start-up had taken this step as a marketing gimmick and reiterated that it was done out of goodwill and represented astute business practice.

“There is no risk of moral hazard on part of Mr. Goswami; he knows how valuable his neck and throat are to him and to ‘your channel’, and he would take good care of them,” Ashok expressed confidence.

Sources at Bank Now inform that the start-up firm had initially approached Arnab with an ENT (ear, nose, and throat) insurance policy, but Arnab categorically dismissed the otolaryngological policy as “wrong” after giving a patient hearing to the policy’s terms and conditions for a continuous thirteen seconds.

“Mr. Goswami was quite excited over the throat insurance in the ENT offer and suggested to replace nose with neck, but he thought that the ear part was unnecessary and asked us how could we be so naïve and stupid,” a source at Bank Now informed.

“Arnab was quite sure that he didn’t need his ears functioning till his throat and neck were rocking,” the Bank Now source explained.

Confirming the mega deal, Bank Now also made it clear that they won’t offer the same insurance policy to anyone else in India now, especially to Arnab’s detractors, who scream and term Arnab as a “pain in the neck” after watching each and every episode of The Newshour that they never forget to miss.

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2. Treasure worth rupees 2 lakh crore found below Tihar jail
3. Raina asks Arnab to launch campaign supporting India in West Indies
4. Times Now all set to become India’s first 3D news channel
5. Times Now concedes that it might have asked just too many questions by now

In the capital, a sex-crazed blood-thirsty mob of men has been out on a rampage. They have been eyeing every woman on the road lecherously and gruffly muttering “Kitna legi” (“State your price”). It is not clear whether this activity is borne out of sexual repression or its opposite. The men vary from ages 13 to 85, the lone 85 year old in the mob being ND Tiwari.

The issue of Playboy magazine that was plagiarized

Some of these excited men have also been carrying placards advertising their organization ‘Society for Protection of Ejaculatory Rights of Men’ (SPERM). The only quotes this reporter could get from these zombie-like creatures (before escaping for her life) were “Bad Mannn”, and gibberish like “Zugga zugga” and “Aaooo”, reminiscent of certain rapist Bollywood idols.

It is advised that women stay away from this mob. However, Delhi women have noted that they are used to seeing such horrifying sex-crazed ghouls on the streets all the time anyway.

Unconfirmed reports add that earlier in the day Baba Ramdev had claimed that he could cure the depraved minds of these lunatics through the yogic practice of Pranayam. But when he realized that the naked images were of women and this wasn’t about homosexuality, and therefore, was neither depraved nor lunatic, he gave his blessings to the mob and bought his own copy of India Today.

The fact is that Playboy (or its reproduction) is banned in India. However the police have taken no action so far. A group of Delhi Police constables, when approached by this reporter, responded that they were too busy sorting out “real issues”. The group of said constables were all poring over a copy of the same India Today issue, and were heard loudly discussing, “Je Chhori manney achhi laagi se” (“I like this chick”), after which they started fighting over which model was the hottest.

These shameful shenanigans were brought to an end when their boss, the Additional Commissioner of Police (ACP) of their zone ordered the magazine be brought to him so that the crazed constables wouldn’t commit fratricide. Sources reveal that the ACP took the magazine to the toilet to peruse, as many people are wont to do, but did not emerge out of the toilet the entire day. At the time of going to press, it had been 42 hours and the ACP had still not come out of his toilet.

Reliable sources add that Ajmal Kasab has also demanded a copy of this India Today issue, reportedly to ward off ennui in his jail cell.

"Relax. Everyone will get a copy of Playboy, err... India Today."

Preserver of Hindu culture and Marathi pride, the Shiv Sena in Mumbai has not protested against India Today. The Sainiks, who want a ban on burqas, were reportedly enjoying the pictures of bare naked ladies. They said that they didn’t have an issue with the issue because there was no disrespect towards Hindu goddesses, American sex-goddesses be damned. They also defended themselves by stating, with a sudden respect for actual historical facts, that Kamasutra had always been a part of Indian culture. Certainly the centre-spread could not do as much irretrievable damage to impressionable young minds as a Booker prize nominated work of fiction like Rohinton Mistry’s Such a Long Journey could.

In Bangalore, Sri Ram Sene members, who had vowed to purify Indian culture of debauched elements like women who went to pubs, Muslims, Valentine’s Day, science and modern education, came out in public, happily wearing frilly, lacy pink panties and carrying issues of the latest India Today. It is not clear why they were celebrating pictures of naked women. When we posed this question to their chief, Mr. Pramod Muthalik, he paused for a moment and only said, “Hm…Am a Proud Klit”, which as we understand, is an anagram of his own name. It is to be seen if, with this heartfelt description of his own true self as a female sexual organ, he will finally receive the attention he has been trying to get all these years.

To be fair to right-wingers, one right-wing crowd did gather to protest outside India Today’s office yesterday. The crowd was identified as the same one which protested outside, and vandalized Arundhati Roy’s house, except that this time their request for a TV camera crew to accompany them was denied by media houses.

"The nation wants to know if anyone sees any irony in this picture."

In fact, what has remained most shocking is the mainstream Indian media’s staunch refusal to report India Today’s sensational act of plagiarism. Perhaps this can be explained by the Indian media’s propensity to act like the American military. One example of this would be the tendency to bombard and decimate those who don’t agree with them, while another, more relevant example here, would be the policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. In simple words it amounts to “Keep your moral transgressions (also known in some circles as homosexuality) to yourself, biatches. Addendum: And don’t touch us when it’s our turn.” In fact, the man who steadfastly refuses to keep quiet, the champion of the decibels, Arnab Goswami, has been so quiet over this whole issue that some people have been wondering if they have gone deaf.

When last viewed, some Indian News channels sounded something like this:

• Arnab Goswami on Times Now: “TONIGHT THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW WHETHER MR. KALMADI USED THE RS. 3,757/- TOILET PAPER FOR HIS OWN PRIVATE TOILET USE OR NOT! THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!”
• Sagarika Ghosh on CNN-IBN: “Is it fair to slot complex and ambivalent issues into rigid Black or White categories? Reply ‘QOTD-YES’ or ‘QOTD-NO’ from your mobile phones.”
• Any Headlines Today anchor: “Welcome to the 9 O’clock news. We bring to you the BJP and Congress spokespersons Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad and Ms. Jayanti Natarajan LIVE in our studio…” <followed by immediate pandemonium>
• Any NDTV anchor: “Welcome to the 9 O’clock news. We bring to you the BJP and Congress spokespersons Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad and Ms. Jayanti Natarajan LIVE in our studio…” <followed by immediate pandemonium>

Note: What you read above is not a blooper. It is well known that India is the land of mysterious apparitions, transmigration of souls, and the unique ability of certain individuals (especially the highly screechy ones) to be present in two different places (like TV Studios) at the same time. Oh, magic! Oh, “LIVE” TV! Oh, sue-worthy practice of SIM-SAT!

• Any Hindi ‘news’ channel: “Sansanikhez Khulaasa (Sensational revelation)! A new extra-terrestrial landing in Nangloi and its astrological impact on your fate, as well as on the fate of characters in your favorite TV serials!”
• Any News X anchor: “Zzzzzzzz….zzzz….zzzz…zzzz….zzzz….”

Print publications did not utter a word about India Today’s plagiarism either, although sources reveal that the Times of India (TOI), being the Times of India, was wondering if they themselves could plagiarize the centre-spread from India Today. However, on being reminded that India Today and Playboy were not blogs run by ordinary citizens who couldn’t fight their lone, hapless battles against media behemoths like itself, and were in fact, magazines which might just sue, the TOI reportedly desisted from plagiarizing this time.

Newspapers like Mid-day, Bombay Times and every other city supplement, where all pages are mysteriously numbered ‘Page 3’, also joined the race to not report India Today’s pornanigans, as their daily news content was anyway quite similar to the Playboy centre-spread.

On a different note, women’s groups (to which this reporter also belongs) have protested that such porn was the result of the growing trend of increasingly aggrandized objectification and commodification of women’s bodies for nefarious mercantile purposes which victimized women and also led to absorption of such commodifying culture in turn leading to women’s internalization of one’s own victimization. But nobody understood what they said.

It isn’t surprising that the plagiarized India Today issue has completely sold out. However, in this abysmal state of affairs, you, the reader should not lose heart. According to reliable sources, the issue is being reprinted in light of unprecedented sales, so you too can have your copy.

And finally, attempts to get a comment from the India Today editor or a representative have failed. However, its chief editor has reportedly sent a heartfelt apology to the editor of Playboy magazine, an excerpt of which is reproduced here: “The tiger had sex with a tornado and it was wild, raw, kinky sex, Oh yeah, with whips and spiky thongs… Yes, that feels gooood… With the resultant tiger-nado baby… and OH GOD! YES! OH GOD! YES! OH MY GOD! … I would like to apologize as it was all the result of jet-shag.”

(The writer tweets here)

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5. Man sued for dropping wife at car service center instead of beauty parlor

Talking to our correspondent, the Janitor-in-Chief of Times of India explained, “This decision is expected to lead to an exponential increase in the amount of site visits to our website and it is in perfect harmony with the values and messages that TimesOfIndia.com espouses.”

Asked to elaborate further, he explained that analytic data has revealed that the users visiting timesofindia.com have been mainly visiting the site for viewing images of naked actress, wardrobe malfunction, hottest scenes in Bollywood, Sherlyn Chopra etc.

What people read at Times of India (source: our sources)

“You see, that is why we even started putting up pictures and videos of nude celebrities or wardrobe malfunctions on our home page,” the chief janitor said, further informing that for a long time SavitaBhabhi.com was shown as a “related link” to TimesOfIndia.com on web traffic information sites like Alexa.com

Experts believe that the step taken by Times of India is perfectly “logical” and had been “long pending”.

“There was a generation in India that grew upon desibaba.com,” explains a sociologist, “now many of them have been picked from cyber cafés and put in decision making positions, where they are forced to intake some information on news and current affairs. This will make things easier and natural for them.”

But the Janitor-in-Chief clarified that Times of India would adhere to its editorial “policies” and “ethics” even after the domain acquisition.

He pointed out that while the ex-porn site used to store morphed images of different actresses, Times of India, being a respectable publication, will only use real images of real actresses.

“We won’t run out of such actresses any time soon,” the janitor hoped, “and then there are always those reality shows like Emotional Attyachaar on UTV Bindass or whatsthatshit on MTV.”

While the decision has evoked mixed reactions among the common readers, market watchers predict that this would lead to a mad race among various leading Indian publications to acquire the domain names of several previously famous but now dead porn sites. This has been dubbed “The Great Indian Porn-race” or TGIP by the experts.

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4. Times Now all set to become India’s first 3D news channel
5. Times of India to rename ‘Aman Ki Asha’ as ‘Aman Ki Hina’

“Sab maaro milke inko, kya bolte ho? Ek lagaon kaan ke neeche. 1 october ko laafa maaro inn sab logon ko. theek na?” Salman Khan tweeted in his inimitable style earlier today, which could legibly be translated to – Let’s bash them all, what say? Hit them below the ear. Let’s slap these folks on 1^st October. Okay?

Salman is reported to have slapped Aishwarya Rai, Vevek Oberai, Katrina Kaif, and a journalist before

The tweet was retweeted 100 times within 2 minutes of Salman posting it on his twitter page, with Amitabh Bachchan also retweeting it. Although Big B didn’t reply to tweets regarding his support to Salman, but it’s understood that he is also livid with media for having allegedly misquoted him for his reported opposition to the Mumbai Metro project a few days ago.

Although Salman didn’t use the term “journalist”, neither is he known to come up with good English phrases, his tweet was projected as a call for “Everybody Slap a Journalist Day”. Later some commentators prefixed the term “international” to it as his interview was originally (allegedly) misquoted by a Pakistani television channel. A facebook page by the same name had already 3000 “likes” when reports last came in.

“Salman Khan has insulted the media of this country and has also insulted father of the nation by giving a call to organize violent protests just a day before his (Gandhiji’s) birthday. He has insulted India and hurt the feelings of over a billion Indians.” concluded the report published on a television news channel’s website, asking for a “voluntary”, “unconditional” and “end-to-end” apology from Salman for his latest comments.

Various news channels had recorded “exclusive” reactions of at least 58 political and social leaders over Salman’s latest comment, thus proving how outrageous it was. But there were a few voices of support for Salman too.

“He didn’t name anyone. He could be talking about slapping the dirty immigrants and driving them away from Mumbai.” said MNS chief Raj Thackeray, which was flashed all over news channels. “Or maybe he meant slapping Pakistanis.” Raj added, which was ignored by some channels.

Salman had not tweeted since then or clarified his stand, but many people are already planning to implement his call. Faking News wants to make it clear that it doesn’t support any such initiative even if it excluded fake/serious journalists.

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“We were swimming towards the shore to escape the spreading oil and debris when we saw many small boats coming in from the opposite direction. We thought they were fishermen, and we panicked. But they turned out to be television reporters, and we panicked even more.” said a panting marine fish.

Coming close on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill in the USA, many experts see it as a sign of India’s growing influence on the world economy

According to reports, many reporters had gathered around the Mumbai shore near Gateway of India early today, apparently to report the possible damage to the environment caused by the accident and ensuing oil spill. Things were fine until a couple of television reporters decided to board motor boats and sail near the accident site in the sea to get exclusive and explicit pictures for their respective channels.

“That was the turning point, as many more reporters of all kinds of known and unheard of television news channels followed suit. Soon they were screaming at top of their voices all around us as they provided live eyewitness account of the accident site. We were scared to come out on the surface to breathe.” a turtle complained.

Marine animals are also petrified at the possibility of all kinds of known and unheard of leaders now undertaking aerial surveys of the accident site in noisy helicopters, ostensibly to take stock of the situation.

When contacted, Maharashtra government acknowledged the threat but refused to divulge the exact steps that were being taken or could be taken to stop this spill, though they expressed confidence that the problem would be dealt with accordingly.

Sandwiched due to this double trouble, the marine animals are now hoping that the spills of both kinds don’t spread to larger areas and threaten their existence and tranquility.

“Or May Raj Thackeray blame the UP Biharis for this oil spill, so that this spill is directed back towards the city.” a crab hoped.

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5. Dozens fall sick after attending a speech by Raj Thackeray

Ian was ecstatic while uttering, “I can’t believe, yes, after 15 years of Dolly, the sheep – the first mammal to be cloned – we are doing it again. And this time it’s a human being, well, almost.”

When asked how did he come to know about Rahul, the man behind Dolly added, “We were surfing Indian news channels to take stock of the exact situation of tigers in India and if we could help clone some tigers for them, but all Indian news channels were showing this guy who hardly had anything to do with a tiger save for some claw marks on a lady’s thigh, supposedly his wife.”

While Ian WIlmut kept a straight face talking about it, we smelled a rat and probed further till we reached the final truth. And it was a shocker.

We have learned that 7 Indian news channels had approached Roslin Institute with a deal. They asked them to clone Rahul Mahajan for a sum of $3.5 billion. Being a purist Institute, it refused the offer first but then for the sheer love of science, changed its mind and closed the deal for $4.7 billion.

Rahul Mahajan has confirmed it saying, “Since for the next few months I am not doing any reality show, I thought why not this. It sounds fun and I am game for anything that remotely sounds fun. Moreover, it’s not for free, the channels have promised me a year’s supply of marijuana, heroin, opium, and news coverage. This is over and above र 3.5 Cr. cash as per the contract.”

Indian news channels love Rahul Mahajan

But where does all this lead to? That’s the question on everybody’s mind. Why are the channels doing it? The answer comes from TV critic Poonam Verma, “See, it’s simple. The day Rahul’s wife beating thing appeared on the screens, all channels went into a tizzy. Though they successfully arranged every imaginable creature associated with Rahul, they could not get Rahul Mahajan to comment till very late. So, in a way they lost on the TRP of the daytime. Just imagine if they had a Rahul clone at that time.”

“And since Rahul has proved his mettle and will keep on giving some big stories, the channels don’t seem in a mood to take chances.” she added.

The only problem is, Roslin Institute will be producing only one clone and it would have to be used amongst all the 7 news channels which have poured in huge sums. But the channels have devised a plan. As per the white paper on the ‘Clone Use Policy’ in our possession, a common studio will be built to host the clone and each channel can place their cameras over there and broadcast images and interview of Rahul with their own EXCLUSIVE watermarks.

“We are anyway doing the same thing currently.” CNN-IBN editor-in-chief Rajdeep Sardesai said.

According to reports from the Scottish Institute, the Rahul Mahajan clone will be delivered by 15 September 2010, while channels are expecting another Big Story from Rahul Mahajan by the first week of October.

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4. Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister of India on Children’s Day
5. Rahul Gandhi to appear in the next season of “Maa Exchange”

“She has been married, apparently twice, for many years now, and we hope she comes up with something similar on post-marital sex.” said Supriye Sharma, upmarket editor of Metro Today, “maybe she could talk about Indian husbands refusing oral-sex, or them being bad at foreplay, or something similar. We can suggest more stuff if she agrees to talk.”

Kushboo’s views are supposed to harm Indian culture and disrupt peace in public life

“But make her talk exclusively to us only.” Supriye directed his subordinate Vidhya on phone from Delhi.

Supriye has picked up two reporters for this very important story, with one (Vidhya, the entertainment reporter) being asked to follow Kushboo, and the other (Nitin, the political reporter) stationed at offices of Dalit Panthers and Pattali Makkal Katchi.

“Get their reactions as soon as Vidhya texts you.” Supriye called Nitin afterwards, planning the news gathering, “ask them if they felt that Kushboo was crossing all limits of decency, and their plans to protest over her controversial comments.”

After hanging up the phone, Supriye composed a mail to the features editor in Mumbai to work on a series of graphic rich articles and zoomerang powered surveys exploring the sexual life and habits of married Indian couples.

Supriye had a satisfied look at his face after sending the mail and was about to order Chicken Tetrazzini with Spaghetti for lunch, when his phone rang. It was Nitin calling.

“What about the Jayalalithaa story where she had released documents hinting at 2G spectrum scam? Do I drop that story?” asked Nitin.

“Of course!” said Supriye.

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The breakthrough came this Saturday evening, after Dr Kumar and his assistant Raj perfected the nano-device that identifies and selectively kills cancer cells after having toiled continuously since Friday morning in the lab. Unfortunately, IPL Commissioner Lalit Modi laid fresh allegations against unknown and unnamed people at the very same moment, diverting the media’s attention from all other, relatively mundane topics.

Indian Institute of Science was covered by media in December 2005 after a suspected terror attack

“I understand that the media has more important stories to cover with much higher TRP potential,” said Dr Kumar, in an understanding tone, flipping channels on his TV. “They’ll eventually get to it. Once they conclusively determine whether the Psychic Baba can actually talk to Re-born Pishachinis or not, they will have no choice but to talk about my device which is going to save a few crore lives every year.”

“We have confirmed the discovery several times over, while waiting for the press crews to arrive,” said IISc Director Dr V. Rajagopalan. “I’m quite sure our press note must have gotten misplaced among all the photos of Mayawati’s money garlands. Yes, that’s what must have happened.”

For the whole of Saturday night Dr Kumar avoided going to sleep, expecting the door bell to ring any moment. But then he realized these things take time, especially with khap panchayats meddling so much into people’s private affairs, and took a long, refreshing nap. When he woke up, his wife assured him that the channels were still covering the anniversary of the appearance of Ganeshji Shaped Like a Potato.

Taking a long view of things, Dr Kumar said, “I may get a Nobel Prize for this. But that won’t matter until we can definitively establish who can and can not garland a statue of Dr B R Ambedkar.”

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“Yes, that appears like a lot of questions,” admitted Arnab Goswami, Editor-in-Chief of Times Now and the host of The Newshour show. “But I am asking this question to you tonight. And gentleman, I want an honest answer from you. Would you still have watched our shows if we hadn’t asked any questions at all?” Arnab asked our reporter, arguably the 702855^th question.

Sometimes three or more questions can be seen being asked on the channel at the same time

Most of the television news viewers agreed that the questions asked by Times Now were usually sort of interesting, but most of them were unsure where to find the answers.

“Questions are alright, but I could never get the answers, even though The Newshour always overshoots its time limit. For example I still don’t know if Shiney Ahuja is innocent or a rapist?” said Venkat Ashok, a Times Now follower, who also wondered if the channel could come up with a question bank soon containing all the questions asked till date.

Times Now representatives have rejected such criticisms and have argued that the channel’s job was to ask questions, and it couldn’t be held responsible or accountable for lack of answers.

Some hardcore fans of the channel too share the view.

“A news channel is not supposed to provide answers; the common citizens have to hunt for them. Those who want readymade answers without applying their brains should watch NDTV and other similar channels. Barkha Dutt has the answers to all the questions.” said Sameer, a Times Now fan.

Meanwhile Times Now has refused to confirm or deny the rumors that the channel was planning a grand party whenever it breached the one million questions asked milestone.

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“Watching India TV is awesomeness.” said the paataal ka bauna (the dwarf from the underground) as he expressed his deepest delight after the results of the poll were announced, where India TV grossed more than three-fourth of the total valid votes polled. Vampires and other members of the consortium belonging to the Telangana region didn’t participate in the poll to register their protest for the formation of a separate state.

“I am pretty sure our bhoot brethrens from Telangana would have voted no differently.” said the kapde churane wala bhoot (the ghost who stole your clothes), expressing confidence that the results would have been no different either ways. “There is a near unanimity among all of us on the issue of India TV. We all love when they break news.” added the cloth-stealing ghost.

One of the thousands of news stories of India TV that Chudails love to watch again and again

When asked why these allegedly ghoulish creatures loved India TV so much, all the ghosts and witches started laughing devilishly. They laughed continuously for around two hours, pausing thirteen times in between to take commercial breaks, before their leader, the pyaaz maangne wali chudail (the onion loving witch) spoke up.

“We used to love Ramsay Brothers, but those guys stopped producing quality movies and moved to television with Zee Horror Show. But even that show stopped when the world moved into 21^st century. Our TRPs were falling like crazy. And then, the 9/11 attacks happened; the world got besotted with terrorists thereafter. We were like, what-the-fuck, nobody seemed to be terrified of us anymore. Some of the good people like David Icke tried to blame 9/11 on people like us, but no one took them seriously. We were so depressed.” said the onion loving witch, as other members of the consortium nodded in agreement.

The members surprisingly revealed that they were not so upbeat when Rajat Sharma launched the channel in 2004. They thought it was just another news channel for human beings. But their interest level went up when they saw Shakti Kapoor molesting a girl on India TV. Excited at the scenes, the members decided to become patrons of India TV.

“Our loyalty paid off. Soon we were back in news and business.” said the witch, grinning and smiling like SPS Rathore. The members vehemently denied that they had any stake in India TV. “We are poor people; we can’t invest or buy stakes in your modern businesses. But if we had money, we surely would have invested in India TV.” admitted the witch.

All the witches, ghosts, vampires, black-magicians, devils, etc. have wished all the best to India TV for the new year and the new decade.

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“See, all of them are wearing blue swimsuits, we can write a trend story on how blue is going to be the color this winter, we can also use stills from the Blue movie.” proposed Kimmi, the 21-year-old expert on fashion news wearing a deep V neck T-shirt, adding to the spirited discussion among her colleagues who thought it was a brilliant idea worth exploring.

Such pictures inspired the journalists to think over various issues for discussion

Buoyed by the marvel at her suggestion, Kimmi jumped over from her chair to sit on the desk, just close to the pictures of the sexy girls, and proceeded to buttress her point to four of her co-workers, who had huddled around her chair in the cubicle. “Maybe we can mention the blue color of Manmohan Singh’s turban too as a fashion statement by our Prime Minister?” Kimmi shrugged her arms to a bunch of thoughtful journalists, who then came up with names of other possible blue celebrities for discussion.

“Can’t we somehow link these pictures to AIDS, it was World AIDS Day yesterday, and twitter is still red, something around that?” heads nodded in appreciation as 27-year-old Bikas pitched in with his idea, changing the topic from blue to red, though Kimmi frowned and thought it didn’t make any sense. “You sure people would read that?” Kimmi expressed her apprehensions to which Bikas said, “Of course!”

Various other colors were discussed and rejected in the course of next half an hour before someone suggested taking out three of the best pictures from the lot and making a poster on the lines of Amir Khan’s upcoming movie 3 Idiots. “We can use the text from what was given to us by that shoddy PR agency that has been bugging us for an article for a month now. The graphic artists will make the poster, and we can have a walk down, it’s a beautiful day out there.” suggested Anand, 25, with an impish look and tone, setting off girly giggles from everyone.

At the time of filing this report, the group of young and dynamic journalists had shot a mail to their editor to finalize one of the ideas and continued discussing various other stuffs around the pictures as the editor was momentarily out of his office for the last three hours. The group also discussed plans for the party next week to celebrate the rocketing readership of Hilly Times.

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“What are we discussing here? Why have you called these models and actresses? And you just played that music video, why? I’m sorry I’m completely at loss and I can’t think straight. Are we discussing some film that is going to be released tomorrow? What is that ‘lest we forget’ stuff at the backstage? What are we forgetting here? Please help me, I can’t recall anything.” Amar appeared totally baffled and scatterbrained in the middle of the ABS (Always Breaking Some) News’ Live show called “Mumbai has won”.

Taj Hotel was put on fire again and again on television screens lest people forgot 26/11

Sakar Sharma, the ABS newsreader who was anchoring the show, screamed as soon as Amar expressed his failure to recall the 26/11 events. “Irresponsible people like Amar are letting us down!” Sakar pronounced with his index finger pointing towards the sky and his burning eyes looking straight into the camera, before he directly addressed Amar by pointing the finger at him, “Can’t you recall how our countrymen were butchered like lambs a year back. How can you forget Amar? We had showed all those stuff Live and Exclusive! Can you recall now?”

Amar couldn’t recall a stuff as an offended nation watched him blabbering live on television. Finally Sakar had to announce a commercial break after his repeated attempts to make Amar recall the events of 26/11 failed flat. During the break Amar was taken away from the live show and handed over to his friends. “Mumbai has won” resumed after this minor hiccup with all the guests vivid with their memories and demanding some sort of action to be taken against the problems.

“I don’t know what happened to him suddenly. He has a good memory and he remembered everything till yesterday. And tell me, how can you forget the events of 26/11? You forget something only when there is some change or considerable time has elapsed. There hardly has been any change on any front and it’s just been a year.” Amar’s friend Sameer told Faking News as he took away Amar from the venue of “Mumbai has won”.

Amar was later taken to a hospital. He is apparently the only Indian being treated for such sort of amnesia, as the rest of the India thinks they have not forgotten anything.

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