“What are we teaching the young generation? Why should a woman be portrayed as taking more time than a man for performing a task? That is why we see prejudices against women at workplaces.” argues Prashant Adheer, the researcher, who has studied hundreds of textbooks prescribed by various state governments and is leading an effort to bring about the required changes in them.

In the course of his rigorous research work, Prashant claims to have come across numerous such examples in various Mathematics textbooks, which he blames for the current prejudices existing in the society. He believes there is a larger conspiracy by people in power to propagate these prejudices.

Seemingly innocuous references like these could actually be poisonous to young minds

“Nothing is coincidental or without purpose, in fact everything is political in nature.” Prashant strongly believes. “Why do you think politicians had no problems in granting the Right to Education to the citizens? They are trying to further their causes in the name of education through such textbooks.”

This is not for the first time when textbooks have become the center of any controversy. Earlier, some groups had found fault with History and Social Studies textbooks on such lines, but this is for the first time that someone has found fault with science stream textbooks for creating a prejudiced society.

Apart from Mathematics, which may not be considered as a pure science stream subject by many puritans, Prashant also finds fault with various Biology textbooks. He finds ‘profiling’ of species ‘unacceptable’.

“The other day I was reading this textbook that read – parrot likes fruits and nuts and loves to reside in places surrounded by trees – and I was like, wow, really? I mean who are we to say what a parrot likes and loves? Did someone ask any parrot? A child grows up reading such stuff and he starts generalizing about other communities in the same way. You know, like, a Bihari loves to reside in Mumbai, a Muslim likes to eat cow, and stuff like these.” Prashant points out what he calls “poisonous” contents in the textbooks.

Prashant has formed an NGO called Sachcha Shodh to create awareness and demand changes in these textbooks. Currently he plans to solicit funds from people and organizations that believe in liberty, equality, minority rights, feminism, human rights, democracy, tribal rights, freedom of speech, etc.

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“This is outrageous. We have sincerely believed in the existence of G-spot for centuries, and millions of people around the world have personally experienced it, yet these guys had the audacity to declare it a myth. What crap!” said one of the protestors as she threw a bottle of beer at the British police, who struggled hard to keep the protestors away from entering the premises of King’s College.

This picture has got nothing to do with G-spot

But the researchers at King’s College are standing by their findings and are accusing the protestors of being some sort of “sexual fundamentalists”. Researchers claim that all the scientists, who ever claimed to have found any proof of existence of G-spot at any time, were “pseudo-scientists”.

Such arguments have failed to impress the protestors, who claim that the research was funded by anti-G-spot lobby that was rich and powerful. They sense a conspiracy behind the research.

“There is a clear pattern. Whenever they fail to find or experience something, they declare it a myth. They did it with God, they did it with Greek history, they did it with the Gay disorder, and now they have done it with G-spot. There is definitely a clear pattern. They also seem to be G-phobic.” said Graham Gooch, one of the protestors.

Protestors warn that all the men, women and groups, which have some “G” element in them, would be systematically targeted by such scientists and their beliefs and value systems would be declared a myth. A unity call among all such entities has been issued.

“We are all sailing in the same boat. We are all under attack. Today we are being targeted tomorrow it could be the Green activists, or the Goat scaring men, or even the Game theorists. We have to find the G element. A common string binds us.” said one the protestors, hastily adding, “No, it’s not the G-string.”

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The man in this picture caused more insecurity to women than the alien

The research argues that the above phenomenon is a result of the atomic structure of the amino acids found in the red blood cells of women. Scientists performed a nonlinear multivariate regression analysis on the above factors to come up with the relationship between feeling of safety and foreignness.

The observed trend, where a man, belonging to the same ethnic class as the woman, was likely to go scot free after committing a crime against the woman, was also picked up for mention by the scientists, and the researchers felt that this trend could also be the reason behind a woman feeling safer in the company of aliens rather than her own men.

“If a Muslim man, or for that matter a Hindu, a Dalit, a Tamil, etc. man, was to rape a woman of his own community, perhaps not even an FIR would be registered. But if he raped a woman from another community, news headlines would be made and he could be arrested, in fact even a riot could take place to avenge the honor of the woman community. The assured guarantee of lesser punishment causes men to commit crimes against women of their own communities, and this causes women to feel insecure among their own men.” one of the researchers explained.

The research and its conclusions are causing a lot of debate in various quarters. Representatives of religious and caste based groups have denounced the findings, and have trashed the research as ‘a conspiracy by other communities to run away with their women’. These groups have expressed confidence that their women won’t be able to run free.

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“We just asked them if they would like to volunteer for a research that would involve measuring their private parts, and most of them readily agreed without asking for further details. Hence our findings also indicate that such men, in all probabilities, either suffer from moronic delirium or delusions of grandeur.” NICE president Freud Mukund said.

Writing on the wall

Although NICE people have data to confirm the relationship between size of penis and talking-on-mobile habits, the exact cause of such a relationship remains elusive. There is no apparent reason why should such kind of mobile phone usage shorten the size of one’s penis or why should the penile size of someone affect his mobile phone usage habits. But a lot of theories have been put forward. NICE researches believe that sexual jealousy is the moot cause of such behavior.

“People with shorter penis are short on confidence in public life and they keep on doing stuff to attract public attention. In fact many a times they are jealous of ‘longer’ people and just want to harass them. Such an attitude causes them to start using the mobile phones in real obtrusive and offensive manner.” Frieda Sigmundo, a NICE researcher postulated.

The findings have been received largely positively by the psychoanalysts and sexologists, but sociologists warn of increased tensions in the society following the findings. They point out that even without these findings, there had been skirmishes in the past with one guy being shot for talking during the screening of Benjamin Button movie in the USA.

“The society has a tendency to mock at people who have unusual sexual orientations or abilities. See what happens to gays. Such findings would only provide ammunition to the majority to laugh at these poor souls. I guess such research findings should not be made public and must be confined to academic class.” leading sociologist British Kandy opined.

The report is silent about women or children talking loudly during movies.

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“Each time I feel my country is on the path of modernity and progress, such news hits me out of blue. I was shocked to learn that even educated and working women in metros were among those who follow this disgusting practice. No wonder women are never treated equally in India.” Madhu Chidchida, a women’s rights activist said.

But not all among those, who refuse to take food when angry with their husbands, think that the practice denigrates women or is inimical to women’s liberation.

“Let me tell you a secret. I only feign not taking food till he is awake. He goes to sleep early as I also refuse him sex out of anger. He can’t force me as he would already be under the guilt that I was hungry due to him. Once he goes in slumber, coiled like a snake, I sneak into the kitchen to take my food, if I am not on a diet on that particular day. Trust me, it hurts him more than me, and he’s back on track the next day.” a married woman revealed on conditions of anonymity.

Some things Indian women don’t eat when angry

Research showed that not more than 9.78% of women followed the above strategy. Furthermore this particular strategy was fraught with risks as many times husbands didn’t leave any food for their wives at all. They either ate up everything or threw the remaining food in the dustbin after asking their wives for one last time.

Research also showed that a considerable proportion of women genuinely believed that they were hurting their husbands by not taking food themselves. They argued that they actually didn’t feel like eating when they were upset with their husbands and believed that their husbands would feel guilty of keeping them hungry. But most of them agreed that after a few years they ended up realizing that it had not changed a thing. Unfortunately by then it was too late for them to change their habits.

Our research also questioned a few men, who thought women were being funny by not taking food ‘at the drop of hat’.

“It’s ridiculous. Each time they go to sleep in grumpy mood without taking food, I don’t know what they want to prove. They cook the food and they let it go waste. Initially I did feel bad (about food getting wasted) but then I realized it was a daily drama. Furthermore they tend to get fat after marriage, so I guess it won’t hurt them if they didn’t take food on some days. Ha ha ha (smart ass laughter).” Amsey P Kumar, a man married for over five years now, said.

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Arey Diwano, Mujhe Pehchano!

“Unlike other folklores that date back to medieval ages or even to prehistoric times, Yeti’s stories were not heard before 19th century. This made us believe that Yeti was a product of modern era when democratic political systems and modern nation-states emerged. This is how we got the hypothesis for our research.” Maanav Himija, one of the scientists said.

The researchers found many similarities between a modern day bureaucrat and the legendary Yeti. Both of them visited hilly and remote areas populated by underprivileged sections of society, but once in a blue moon. Both were deemed powerful by the locals, who were under awe of their enormous powers. Both earned their livelihood by taking away the resources of the locals.

“We progressively got convinced that Yeti was the name given to the elusive bureaucrat by locals in these areas. Generations over generation people added some hearsay to the appearance and character of the elusive bureaucrat and he became the legendary Yeti. You can’t really blame the locals for this.” Maanav Himija explained the conclusions of the research.

Although the bureaucracy and the government dismissed the report as being ‘frivolous, the researchers got a shot in their arm when leading cartoonist of India, Pran Kumar Sharma, startlingly disclosed that his famous cartoon character “Sabu ” (from the Chacha Chaudhary series) was actually inspired form “Babu”, a Hindi slang for a bureaucrat.

The Public Servant

For the uninitiated, Sabu is a twenty feet tall (who increases his flab size whenever he wants) pet giant of Chacha Chaudhary. He originally belongs to Jupiter and eats a lot of food, which often causes Chacha’s domestic budget to go haywire, attracting nagging criticism from Chachi, the wife of Chacha Chaudhary. Sabu acts and does some work only when Chacha Chaudhary is in deep shit trouble, else he sleeps peacefully in normal times.

“I must admit that I had modeled Sabu on a bureaucrat, a rather friendly and active bureaucrat. You can very easily see that all his characteristics matches so well with those in bureaucracy. And now you are telling me about this research. I’m not at all surprised that Yeti was also a bureaucrat. These scientists have done a good job and must be congratulated.” cartoonist Pran told Faking News.

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