“Would you like a window seat or isle seat or a seat next to a lady, sir?” was the question popped out to our ugly reporter by this beautiful almond eyed Kingfisher check-in counter staff, which led us to the discovery of this breaking news.

Indian men like to travel with women co-passengers

As an introductory offer, this service is free at the time of check-in and the information is also made available if one chooses to select seats while booking of tickets, but sources indicate that soon a premium could be charged from the willing passengers.

“Currently we just have information on a lady’s age, but we are in the process of gathering further information like her photograph, relationship status, weight, complexion, and if possible, stats related to her figure and curves as well. Once we have these set of information, we could think of charging something between 100 rupees to 5000 rupees to disclose these to the willing passengers.” a Kingfisher employee said.

The company believes that many Indian men secretly desire to get a seat next to a good looking lady, and such a facility will help Airlines attract new and loyal customers. Other airlines have conceded that this was a brilliant innovation by the Kingfisher group and could help them race ahead in the competition, but the decision has also come under sharp criticism from various quarters.

Some groups have accused the UB Group of downgrading and trivializing air travel by playing up upon such ‘petty’ and ‘earthy’ desires of men, and have termed it as ‘dumbing down of air travel’.

“We had heard of such stuffs while booking bus-tickets and people checking out railway reservation charts to find out which berths have women passengers, but this is extreme. There is an element of ‘class’ involved in air travel and this step will simply destroy that class.” protested Manish from JNU, who had earlier raised his voice against the ‘cattle-class’ remark of Shashi Tharoor.

Women groups too have criticized the step terming it as outrageous, unethical, and unconstitutional.

“Basically they would declare all the women traveling by their airlines as ‘available’. Who gave them this right? Furthermore, who are they to decide who should be the co-passenger of a woman? It is a violation of the right to privacy of all women!” protested Nirmala, again from JNU, as her concerns were flashed on all television news channels, apparently because she was the best looking among the protesting lot.

But UB Group has rubbished all such charges and has defended their decision on grounds of being based on sound business principles and practices.

“Height of Media’s absurdity again! We would allow passengers some extra options so we are compromising with privacy of a woman! God help us!” tweeted Vijay Mallya, Chairman of the UB Group.

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Such pictures are expected to appear in mainstream media captioned as “in happier times”, whereas the brothers believe that their happier times would being after the split

When asked for further details, the source would only reveal this much, “Malvinder Mohan Singh and Shivinder Mohan Singh are two of the savviest businessmen in India. They got out of pharmaceuticals at just the right time, selling Ranbaxy to the Japanese at the top of the market. Then they got into hospitals and financial services, and those businesses are already worth a lot. However, what others do not realize is that they are always learning – they know that the Ambani brothers made most of their wealth after their split, not before! And they want to do the same”.

The source then revealed that they have recently hired a number of advisors who had also advised the Ambanis at the time of their split, who have helped them develop this top-secret roadmap:

1. Start with a single strong business with lots of cash flow e.g. Reliance / Ranbaxy.
2. Diversify the business into unrelated areas, making sure the companies have unclear holding structures and are incorporated in various jurisdictions.
3. Have a very acrimonious and public split. Preferably covered live on TV and reported by newspapers with various “insider accounts” and leaks of claims and lawsuits; remember that all publicity is good publicity.
4. Make sure no one gets to know the actual financial details of the split. If somebody tries to find out, claim that the settlement is private and the matter is sub-judice.
5. Create a few more companies, merge and divide companies randomly, carefully ‘realigning’ holdings so that minority and public shareholders are squeezed out, while each brother emerges with clear majority holdings in each company.
6. Do some IPOs, boost share prices, sell at the peak, short-sell, buy at the bottom
7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 a few times.
8. Decide to have an amicable settlement; merge again.

n.b. This reporter cannot vouch for the effectiveness of the method outlined above.

Adding fuel to the fire, KV Kamath and some senior lawyers from Amarchand Mangaldas were spotted entering the Religare Corporate office for an undisclosed project – regular readers will recall that these were the same advisors who worked on the Ambani split.

While their advisors are yet to work out the details, early indications are that Shivinder will keep the hospital businesses, while Malvinder will keep the financial services business. The large amount of cash generated by the Japanese sale will be left in the custody of their mother, to be provided to whichever part of the group will need expansion funding.

While this reporter couldn’t independently verify this, it appears that the rebranding of the group from ‘Fortis’ to ‘Religare’ was undertaken to prepare for the split. “They are simple men at heart – they figured if two groups called Reliance could be created, then two groups called Religare would also be successful”, said our source.

Unconfirmed reports say that inspired by Reliance ADA, the groups would be called Religare SMS and Religare MMS, though some insiders are worried that this may sound like they are entering the telecom sector.

Both Shivinder Mohan Singh and Malvinder Mohan Singh refused to comment for this article.

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“We had received specific information from our sources that employees were seen generally happy and jovial in the past few weeks. No important announcement or managerial decisions were taken in the concerned duration that could have logically added to the overall well-being of the employees. At best, the development could be termed an aberration.” Hari Sadu, HR head of HCL said.

Employees are normally supposed to openly express their happiness for corporate presentations and brochures

After having personally witnessed the increased happiness among the employees yesterday, when he saw a group of employees laughing and cracking jokes during the lunch break, a puzzled and concerned Hari Sadu called for an emergency meeting today morning, which continued till reports last came in.

“I too have seen these guys spending too much time in cafeteria, near coffee-vending machines or in the smoking corners and being jolly for almost no apparent reason.” Nitya Udaas, senior HR manager, shared the concern, further adding, “Maybe the workload has reduced of late. We have to check with the sales department if we are getting enough business.”

“I have noticed that even the toilets are occupied for longer duration these days.” quipped Anand Anjaan, third member of the top-level team, wondering what was going on in the office.

After discussing various problems and irregularities in employee behavior, the HR team also discussed employing some innovative techniques to control employee pleasure.

“We could make the coffee-vending machine operative only after swiping it with the identity cards. We can get data on which employee is spending maximum time drinking coffee and accordingly deal with the problem.” proposed Hari Sadu, directing Anand to find out how much will such a card-swiping machine cost and to send a proposal to the Finance department.

“Also find out the cost of that toilet-timer that switches off the lights in toilets after ten minutes. This will make sure that no employee spends too much time over there, while we would project it as an electricity saving initiative towards making HCL green.” interjected Nitya, which was well appreciated by Hari and Anand.

HR team was still in the board room when this report was filed, with smiles returning to their faces as they discussed and analyzed the problem at hand in detail.

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“Yes, it’s a logical progression for us. We had been eying it and closely observing the Indian news scene. We are very excited about the whole project.” said Evan Williams, Co-founder, Twitter, though he appeared little secretive and didn’t want to divulge much details about it. When asked about the search for an Indian partner for the venture, he chose not to answer.

Indian viewers have anyway been watching mostly Twitter on news channels

According to our sources, Twitter’s foray in news has set the alarm bells ringing in news channels across India. Newsroom discussions reveal that the top brass of every news channel is busy making strategies to counter Twitter News before it goes on air, while the journalists are happy at the prospects of getting a better salary and benefits with a new player joining the race.

“I was denied promotion and salary hike on account of recession last year, and this year I could again be denied the same as my boss had an ugly fight with me last night during office party. My only hope is to join Twitter’s news channel.” a Producer in a leading news channel said on conditions of anonymity.

Management of leading news channels are well aware of these threats and have reportedly finalized some strategies to counter them. Probable strategies include hiring the duplicates of celebrities, as it’s feared that most of the celebrities might just choose Twitter News to voice their views. Reporters are also being asked to innovate and religiously follow the social networking sites, thus lifting the ban on such sites in the offices.

Some channels have even gone to the extent of launching their own social networking sites trying to look like Twitter and naming their sites as Scooter, Sweater, GalaTar, Teether, and even Kabootar.

Though, unconfirmed, it is also widely known in the industry now that Twitter will sport a permanent ‘Exclusive’ bug apart from the channel logo as it is pretty confident that all content will be exclusive to Twitter.

While talking to Faking News, Evan Williams emphasized on the social responsibility of the channel and said, ‘”We plan to have Indian Sparrow as our logo instead of the usual blue bird, as it’s on the verge of extinction.”

All efforts are being made to woo Shashi Tharoor to make him the head of India Operations as he is believed to be quite an expert in creating juicy issues which Indian viewers savor. Talks are on to rope in Lalit Modi also to launch the regional versions of the channel. But every care is being taken to make their offices as far from each other as possible.

Clearly, things are shaping well for this popular networking site. And soon the rules of the game for the Indian media industry can go for a ‘see’ change.

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“I still don’t have any idea why those two came to our Barista,” says store attendant Kaushal. “They weren’t rich women taking a break from shopping, and using the time between sips to compete over who had the more expensive accessories. They weren’t young entrepreneurs using the shop as AC office space for the price of a coffee. They weren’t elderly executives trying to chat up young female employees over ‘just coffee’. What did they mean by having coffee without having any ulterior motive in mind?”

Thirty-four year old quality supervisor Harmesh Gupta had just bought a book from the Landmark bookstore located in the same mall, when he happened to comment to his wife, Deepti Gupta, a homemaker, “Hey, I’m feeling like having a coffee.” Before they knew it, they had entered the bright orange coffee shop next door and placed an order for “two coffees”, cappuccinos to be precise.

“It was weird enough for me to notice too,” adds fellow employee Sparsh. “A tray with only cappuccinos tends to stand out. No brownies, no sandwiches no ice-cream. Just coffee. At that time I thought Kaushal must have mis-heard, and felt my only ray of hope in two months of getting promoted over him. But no such luck,” sighs Sparsh. “The freaks. I mean, customers had only ordered two cappuccinos!?”

Experts believe that the shocking incident could push Barista to change its logo and message and make it more inclusive

“It was indeed a first for us,” admits Dinesh Chhabra, NCR Area Manager for the pan-India coffee retail chain. “I hope no one noticed,” he adds.

“Of course I noticed them,” says noted socialite and author Shobha De, who happened to be present in the cafe at that time. “I could tell at a glance they didn’t belong there. The guy was actually looking at the ads being displayed on the big OOH screen, and his girlfriend, I presume, did not look at the other women present in the cafe, even once! I was breathless with anticipation that they would do something socially awkward, so that I could write about it in my next ToI column. But they just drank their coffee, paid the bill and walked out. Just like that! What a disappointment!”

“It’s the direct result of faulty branding,” says Aroop Banerjee, head of Ogilvy and Mather’s Corporate Identity Division, who designed the branding for Barista rival, Café Coffee Day. “If you have a logo that looks like a steaming cup of coffee, sooner or later, people are going to walk in expecting just that, a cup of coffee.”

Aroop says they designed CCD’s branding to counter just this tendency of people to expect coffee in a coffee shop. “You never see this kind of thing happening in CCD. Why? Because of the big red board outside that sets the right expectations – A lot can happen over coffee – it makes sure only those people walk in the shop that have something else brewing in their minds. Ooh I gotta write that down. ‘brewing in their minds‘ Wow, I am so brilliant!”

When contacted, Harmesh and Deepti were unaware that anything was amiss. “I remember it was good coffee,” said Harmesh. “Yes, really good coffee,” agreed Deepti. “Wait, did I forget to tip the waiter or something?” wondered Harmesh.

Harmesh may not realize it, but his action might cause a similar upheaval in the organized book retail industry as well, for he bought a book that he intends to read himself.

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“Is it possible to hire a personal secretary, in advance?” Joey reportedly asked his father, who answered in affirmative as he had just returned back home from campus placements of various business schools, where he had booked hired many MBAs in advance, for they were still studying and yet to graduate successfully.

Joey is seen smiling here after announcing his second corporate decision

“Then book her as my personal secretary when I become the vice president.” Joey pointed towards Preity, eliciting out clapping and sounds of “well deserved sir” from the guests present in the party, including Preity’s parents Mr. and Mrs. Iyer. It’s widely believed that Preity landed up with the job offer as she was looking really cute.

Mr. and Mrs. Iyer are quite happy over this pre-placement offer made to their daughter, although parents of other little girls present in the party thought that the decision smacked of nepotism and sycophancy. Mr. Iyer, Preity’s dad, works as a sales manager in Volkswagen India and is seen as being very close and privy to Joey’s dad by other employees in the office.

“The post was not well advertised. We had no idea that such an important decision could have been made, else we’d have dressed up our girls as well. Clearly Joey’s dad or someone in the family had passed on this insider information to Iyers.” complained a couple on conditions of anonymity.

The decision has also raised eyebrows among social scientists and democracy activists, who have taken strong objection to Joey’s audacious and presumptuous confidence of becoming a vice president at the age of 24.

“What kind of disdainful mindset is this that we are cheering here? It clearly shows the feudal and undemocratic policies being followed in the private sector. We’d never allow this conceited kid to have his way. The government has to formulate policies to rein in such dictatorial chaps.” Meera Mehta, a social worker said, announcing mass protests outside the villa of Joey from tomorrow.

Volkswagen India has refused to comment on the issue.

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“In fact, we strongly believe that we shall earn exactly Rs. 3,958 crores in the fourth quarter, and make an operating profit of Rs. 878 crores. Taking into account unexpected gains of Rs. 312 crores from sale of old handsets that were lying in the company’s godown, the company shall declare a profit before tax of Rs. 1190 crores for the fourth quarter.” said Sajnani. This is a 43% jump over the profits for the third quarter, which were also declared at the same time. The company had made a loss of Rs. 945 crores in the second quarter, for which results were declared last week.

The step by Reliance Telecommunications is expected to end recession, finally

Corporate observers were not sure how the Company’s board could declare the results with such confidence. Professor Nani Dholkivala of IIM Ahmedabad stated that he believed there was more to this than meets the eye, “How can they expect today what the ‘unexpected gains’ will be six months from now? Even my MBA students won’t make such an elementary error”.

However, Mr. Tarun Bannerjee of the Kolkata chapter of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of India, dismissed any such speculation, saying, “This is perfectly possible. Why, all these years all these companies have been paying advance tax and nobody said a thing – what’s the problem if one company declared Revenue and Profits in advance as well? Every CA knows that advance tax calculations are usually exactly right. After all, the management and the board have reasonable flexibility in these things.”

Stock market circles are still unsure how to deal with this announcement. The stock rose 13% in the morning but later retreated to its overnight price of Rs 42. Mr. Kumar Gadharba, leading stock market analyst from CNBC-Profit and Loss, had this to say, “This is unfair – if all this information is routinely disclosed to all investors so far in advance, then analysts like myself will have no role left!”

The SEBI Chairman refused to comment, saying that his office was still studying the announcement. “However, prima facie it appears to be OK because the information was disclosed to all investors at the same time, and no insider trading seems to have occurred.”

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“Contrary to the propaganda being waged against us, our company believes in preserving and conserving our environment and contributing to a better tomorrow. It is part of our serious attempt towards building a greener world, and we are trying to encourage vegetarianism through this step.” Hugh Grant, Chairman, President, and CEO of Monsanto announced in a press conference.

Monsanto releases tasty food yet again

When asked by journalists if the new range of brinjals would have bones as well, Mr. Grant answered in negative but asked his deputy to take note of the question.

“Very good question! I think it’s a nice idea; many non-vegetarian people not only enjoy the taste of meat, they actually like gnawing at the bones and shredding the meat from it. Our company is committed to making the world greener and our next attempt would be to create brinjals with bones.” Hugh Grant assured the journalist from a Cooking and Food magazine.

New Brinjals would be available in chicken flavor to being with and would be commercially released later this year. Based on the response and feedback, the company will release new flavors like mutton, beef and pork, if deemed safe in religious terms.

Analysts see this brinjal by Monsanto as their desperate attempt to make inroads into the environmental activists and win away the activists supporting environmental vegetarianism. While a few of the vegetarians have welcomed the move, most of them have greeted the news with caution.

“It’s a nice thing that at last Monsanto has started caring for animal life, but they still need to answer the questions about environment, humans and plant life. Will their new BT Brinjal be safe for consumption by human beings? Such questions still remain unanswered.” Bharat Vyas, one of the vegetarianism activists said.

Apart from such questions, Monsanto seems headed for more trouble as activists belonging to a certain BBA (Baingan Bachao Andolan or save the brinjal movement) in India have threatened to launch an agitation against the move. These activists claim that the move would sound death knell for brinjals in India.

“BT foods are known to replace the local variety of agricultural crops and farmers become slave to the seeds. Soon natural brinjals would be extinct and our kids would see them along with tigers and dinosaurs in museum.” one of the BBA activists warned of the consequences.

(based on inputs by special correspondent Hozefa Merchant)

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“As a young boy, Ratan Tata had dreamt that every Indian family should have their own helicopter; Nana is realization of the same.” said a Tata spokesperson, adding, “There were critics who had claimed that our lakh-rupees car Nano would populate the road and add to traffic jams. But now, powered with Nana, people can simply ignore the road traffic.”

Interestingly, Nana can be used both on land and in air, making it the most versatile vehicle available to the common masses till now. It will have a seating capacity of four persons and a top speed of 250 Kms/hr. Nana will be launched in December 2012 with Bollywood actor Nana Patekar as brand ambassador.

An always excited Nana Patekar has even suggested a new slogan for this launch – “Ek helicopter aadmi ko parinda bana sakta hai” (A helicopter can make a bird out of a man).

With such a grand project in sight, political parties have started wooing the Tata Group to set up manufacturing plants in their respective constituencies. They also expect Nana to be equipped with latest security and landing measures so that political leaders don’t land in controversies while flying for political campaigns.

The support for Tata Group among the political class can be gauged from the fact that this time around, even Mamta Banerjee has shown full support to their project. She has in fact started a hunger strike demanding a Nana manufacturing plant in Singur, a complete turnaround from her earlier stand over Nano.

Tata Group chairman Ratan Tata has refused to comment on her demands, but he assured the political class that Nana would be safer than their current helicopters and equipped with modern technologies like a PSPO rotor fans. Tata have contacted Orient PSPO (pyara sa pankha orient ka) for a partnership.

Common people had mixed reaction to the news with kids wondering if their kite flying sessions would be cut short drastically after Nana starts flying in the air, while the adults wondered if the price of Nana would still be 10 Lakhs rupees when it finally comes after production in December 2012. Nonetheless many families were happy to see themselves flying with their dear ones three years from now.

Nana, Didi, and Dreams

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A signboard outside one of the repair shops of Nitin Das

Eyewitnesses report that Mr. Das was seen shouting “Ee na cholbe ee na cholbe” from his balcony, a popular bengali war cry from the superhit movie Tiranga. “I have never seen Nitin da like this”, says their neighbor Chobi Biswas “He even removed his t-shirt and waved it while shouting slogans against Bolksbhagen”.

Volkswagen, in a curt reply to the whole fiasco, has said that it was investigating the ‘alleged’ copyright violations. It is also speculated that they have hired experts from Max Muller Bhawan, Kolkata to draft an explanation of the tagline.

Mr. Das has however demanded an unconditional apology and has asked for immediate removal of all Volkswagen advertisements across all the mediums. Though judging from the fact that Volkswagen has already spent a mammoth amount on the recent advertisement campaign, which includes hefty coverage in the Crimes of India, a compromise cannot be ruled out.

The tagline “Das Auto” was introduced in 2007, replacing "Aus Liebe zum Automobil" ("For the Love of the Automobile"), whereas Nitin Das has been using “Das Auto” since 1987.

Lawyer K.C. Chaudhary who is handling Mr. Das’s case, has said that they are not averse to an out-of-court settlement. This settlement is supposed to include exclusive servicing rights for Volkswagen’s cars to be given to Das Auto.

“But future course of action will depend on Volkswagen’s reply.” Mr. Chaudhary says, adding that an apology was a must.

The issue has now got a political flavor with the CPM calling a Bengal Bandh on the 31st of November to support Nitin Das against.

It is yet to be seen whether Mr. Das’s perseverance can force an international automobile giant to bend, but this brave move has gained Mr. Das a lot of respect. His neighbors are pouring in with eggrolls and fish curry to show their support and his business is on a roll too, much to the chagrin of his competitors.

“What’s in a name”, Shakespeare once wrote. Nitin Das might soon find out.

(written by a very lonely person called Tantanoo)

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FART stands for Feed, Affect, Relegate, and Terminate – four different approaches that a company should take based on mix of two parameters – existing ‘Employee Mindset’ and the ‘Cash Status’ of the company. The McKinsey Quarterly report elaborates each of these four approaches of the FART framework with several exhibits to back up the study.

The visual representation of the framework has been called McFart, but this could potentially cause a legal battle over copyright between McKinsey and McDonalds

“If the company has a bit of cash and the employees’ mindset is still to turn hostile, the company should ‘feed’ the employees to stop them from turning hostile. The best way to ‘feed’ is to give some freebies like season gifts, personalized cakes on birthdays, shopping coupons, free pizzas during working hours, etc.” the report explained the ‘feed’ approach of the FART framework.

In case employees’ mood has turned a bit hostile and some of them are demanding explanations about issues such as scrapping of bonuses and other benefits, the FART framework suggests ‘affect’ approach for companies with surplus cash. ‘Affect’ approach requires the company to affect i.e. pretend taking some proactive steps for employee welfare.

“The company could initiate a pretentious performance appraisal process to quell the employee unrest. Other steps could involve sending the employees a feedback form, or inviting employees for a one-to-one interview with HR executives, etc. Such steps mollify the hostile mood of the employees, giving them a hope about future, but these steps should be taken only when the company has some cash to meet the expenses associated with these affected steps.” the report elaborated.

If a company doesn’t enjoy the luxury of surplus cash and is running into losses, the FART framework advocates ‘relegate’ approach, but only if the employees are in a friendly mindset, which is rare in normal course. The approach involves taking steps like lowering the compensation packages and demoting the employees. The report describes the ‘relegate’ approach as being a transient approach as it usually ends up changing the employee mindset from friendly to hostile, leaving the company to adopt the forth and the final approach – terminate.

“If the company is running into losses and employees have turned hostile, the best approach is to ‘terminate’ i.e. fire the employees.” the report concluded the FART framework, which has been well received by various HR professionals across companies.

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“As a socially responsible group, we have always cared for what the society wants, and we realized that people were bored with shows like Bigg Boss and Pati, Patni Aur Woh, and had no enthusiasm about the upcoming Rahul Mahajan’s swayamwar. We could sense the need and we decided to cater to it by thinking this new reality show that would also allow us to get our new leader.” a Tata Group spokesperson said.

Ratan Tata is expected to say tata to his group and make way for a new head

The exact format of the show is being finalized while bids have been invited from interested broadcasters to win television rights for the show. But broadly, the show would aim to judge the participants on various qualities needed to run a large group like Tata.

According to well placed insiders in the company, the reality show would have Nano Round where participants would be pitched against a high-pitched belligerent woman and asked to mollify her by all means. There would also be a Lashkar-e-Tata round testing disaster management skills of the participants, and an OkTataByeBye round that will bring out the funnier aspects of the participants.

The final three participants will be interviewed by Ratan Tata and a Group Head will be finally selected. Common men and women, who are expected to be glued to television sets during the broadcast of the show, can also participate in the process by sending SMS at 8282 (TATA on your mobile) at a special rate of 10 rupees per SMS throughout the show.

The show would be shot and produced in Mumbai in all probabilities, but the language of the show would be either Hindi or English, with occasional sprinkling of Bengali and Dutch (in chorus). Sensing the risk that absence of Marathi from the show could attract attacks from certain groups, Tata Group has decided that a participant will be allowed inside the show only after he/she obtains a minimum grade in TOMFOOL.

TOMFOOL stands for Test Of Marathi For Only Official Language and will be conducted on the lines of TOEFL to ascertain if a non-native speaker of Marathi deserves a job or even a stay inside Maharashtra. It would be conducted by the leading test conducting agency MNS (Merit Nitpicking Services). Tata Group Head would have an office inside Maharashtra in Mumbai.

Experts have welcomed this innovative step of Tata. Hari Sadu, an HR expert said, “Normally big companies spend big money on head hunting for top jobs, but Tata Group has changed the rules of the game altogether. They would actually be making money in the process (through selling television rights and sharing revenues with MNS and SMS services). I guess more and more companies would follow suit. It calls for a case study at top business schools.”

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“I took out Maggi in a plate and came out in the balcony with a chair. As I sat down with the plate in my lap, somehow I suddenly felt as if I was sitting outside the café of my engineering college. Maggi at midnight with friends used to be a routine and life was so different. For the next few moments I felt young and carefree again. It was veritably a freedom at midnight for me.” Chandru recounted his exhilarating experience of last midnight.

Food for thought?

But that momentary taste of freedom compelled Chandru to believe that he had been a slave on all the other occasions all through the days of his employment. He felt a strong repulsion and abomination when he was getting ready for the office today morning. The 25-year-old felt like a two-minute rebel.

“I almost hated the idea of going to office. I can’t log into my facebook or orkut accounts there and I can’t chat with my friends. They even banned cellphones with rich features inside the office premises. So forget internet, I can’t even see those beautiful pictures and videos of my golden days to relive those golden moments. I don’t know if a Maggi tonight will help again.” Chandru wondered.

After a lot of intense introspection, Chandru decided to fuck it all and resign from the job. He even typed a resignation letter and proceeded to attend his last day in the office. But the moment he got in his Swift Dezire (car), which he had bought just last month on loan, he was swiftly reminded of the next pending EMI payment. His desire to say bye-bye to his salary got a huge setback.

“I crumpled my resignation letter and used it to remove some dirt off the windscreen. I could see the way ahead very clearly. My boss was waiting for me to give me an awful feedback, even though I had met all the deadlines and delivered on what was asked in the projects.” Chandru said rather disappointedly.

Chandru has been thinking of ways to recreate the Maggi magic since today morning and wondered if he could go on a break with some of his fiends. He was disappointed as his office friends rejected the idea as they feared that numbers of leaves will adversely affect their performance appraisals.

“I can very well understand now why Nandan Nilekani left Infosys to join a government job.” Chandru reportedly said to himself.

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“Terrorism is here to stay. We might run out of doctors and pastors, but we would always find terrorists around. It has a global appeal and almost every community aspires to have their own terrorists. It’s a growing market, unless aliens or communists get back to earth.” Google co-founder Larry Page told Faking News.

People around the world, especially software developers, were shocked by Google’s decision as they thought that the company would go full throttle over the development of Google Wave, which is being touted as the next big thing in the online world. There was no clarity if the special invites sent out to various people to test and develop Google Wave will be revoked. But various terrorists around the world received special invites to test and develop the new applications.

An artist’s impression of Google BlownUp

One of the applications to be released has been named as “Google BlownUp”. The application, currently in the pre-Alpha stage, allows a terrorist to draw 3-D models of target buildings and find the right places and strategy to blow them up. The application simulates the actual impact of explosives used and returns the estimated number of casualties. Terrorists are quite excited over the prospects.

“This is a wonderful step by Google. We were planning to blow up their servers but we might spare them for this noble deed. Thanks to them, we would be able to carry on our operations much more effectively once these applications are launched. I just can’t wait till they release the Beta version.” Tehreek-e-Taliban chief Hakimullah Mehsud shared his excitement with us through an email, where he also attached an edited Wikimapia image showing shrunk international borders of India.

Realizing that India could be one of the most lucrative markets for its new applications, Google has reportedly added some India specific features in its applications such as quick links to Human Rights groups and RSS feeds for getting latest information on breaking news by various news channels. The applications could well be open-source, as was originally planned for Google Wave, which would allow terrorists to develop custom made add-ons to their benefit.

Currently Google is expecting to earn revenue through advertising, which traditionally has been their major source of revenue. Our sources confirm that many USA based companies dealing in arms and defense technologies, including the government owned ones, have already pledged millions of dollars of advertisement to Google for these terrorist applications.

Sources further inform that later Google could introduce higher levels of services and make them available on paid basis in future. Such services could include search for potential recruits among non-terrorist user base and access to various security agencies’ database. Terrorists would also be able to search for and network with political advocates and religious leaders through the planned terror-networking site, which could be called Vishphut.

Governments and security agencies around the world are currently tight lipped about the development and are refusing to comment.

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Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her

“Where the fuck is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.

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“Twitter has become quite popular in India recently, especially after Shashi Tharoor tweeted about the cattle class and the holy cows. We realized that a lot of the people who were introduced to Twitter after the Tharoor controversy were the ones who loved paper more than computer monitor. We instantly decided to cater to this group as well as the existing users by allowing them to print their tweets. Apart from specific tweets, users can print whole Twitter page of any user.” Ravish Paperwala, Global Business Manager of HP informed.

Twitter and Hewlett-Packard come together for some paperwork

Twitter too put a post on its blog confirming the exclusive partnership with HP. Both HP and Twitter have termed this partnership as a ‘historic’ one in the field of innovation and technology, which will take tweets to areas where neither internet nor mobiles exist. Twitter users will just need to connect their HP printers to their computers, and they can start printing their tweets.

But there was widespread confusion among Twitter users when they first heard the news. Users couldn’t really understand the nature of ‘exclusivity’ of the partnership between HP and Twitter.

“This looks like another WTF business deal. I mean why do I need to ‘exclusively’ use HP printer to print my tweets? I just tried my Canon printer and used the print command from the browser, and printed the whole page. Yeah, the layout was screwed and my twitter background didn’t get printed, but all my tweets were printed. Will they explain what is so exclusive about the partnership?” Nikhil, an angry Twitter user asked.

When Faking News contacted the 80 member Twitter team to get clarification, we were pleasantly surprised to learn that there indeed was some exclusivity in the partnership. A user needed to install a small add-on called PrinTweet to their twitter account to experience this great innovation. Following is the screenshot of Faking News’ Twitter page after we installed PrinTweet.

A screenshot of Twitter page of Faking News after installing PrinTweet

After installing PrinTweet, a small print icon appears on the right side of each tweet posted by any user, as circled in the screenshot above. This icon will appear only if you have an HP printer connected to your computer or laptop. When a print command is executed by clicking on this icon, the printed layout comes exactly the way one sees it on the screen. A similar print icon is also displayed on the top of the page in case a user wants to print the whole Twitter page. Users are advised not to use the print command from the browser menu.

Business and technology experts have termed this feature as a marvelous innovation and a wonderful exhibition of an exclusive business deal. Social Media Marketing gurus predict that the PrinTweet feature will become one of the most widely used feature by the corporate houses and celebrities to connect with their fans and followers.

Faking News has decided to grab the early mover advantage and appeals to our readers to send us self-addressed and duly stamped (must) envelopes to our office, so that we can print our tweets through HP printers and send them to you on regular intervals.

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