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Pakistan divided over what symbol to choose for its own rupee

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 15:21:08 +0000

Islamabad, Pakistan. With India all set to declare a unique identification symbol for its currency, demands for declaration of a symbol for Pakistani rupee too have started growing in Pakistan, even as opinions in the civil society appear divided over it. While the pro-symbol groups believe that such a step will help their nation catch up with the Indian economy, the anti-symbol groups believe it to be against the basic Islamic principles.

Historically India has been using INR/Rs while Pakistan has been using PKR/Rp respectively to denote their currencies, called as “rupee” in both the countries, but recently India unilaterally decided to make their currency join the elite club of Dollar, Euro, Pound, Yen, et al to reflect their apparently growing influence on the world economy. The decision has not gone down very well in Pakistan.

“This reminds me of Pokhran nuclear tests in 1998. These guys had joined the elite nuclear club all by themselves forcing us to rush in to join the same thereafter. Why do they shamelessly keep on gate-crashing and joining clubs when no one invites them?” wondered Sohail Tanveer, a Pakistani cricketer who was upset with India’s decision.

“Hinduon ki zeheniyat hi aisi hai toh bas unhone kar diya jo bhi tha.” he added, accusing Indians, whom he terms as Hindus, of being deceitful and triggering a symbol race in the subcontinent.

Sohail has supported the demand for a unique symbol for Pakistani rupee but has rejected the currently most popular choice for it, which resembles the word “ruu” in Urdu and has attracted over 35,000 ‘likes’ for a page created in its support as soon as the ban on facebook was revoked in Pakistan earlier this month.

The most popular currency symbol choice for Pakistani Rupee resembles a lot with Chinese Yuan

“No way, it looks so similar to the Chinese Yuan symbol. Those buggers (Indians) will again accuse of us passing Chinese stuff as our own.” Sohail argued calling for more options and a public vote on them.

Many others too support Sohail, though not necessarily agreeing with his Hindu logic. The teenagers who created the facebook page in support of the symbol say that the current currency abbreviation PKR was not SEO friendly.

“If you run a google search for PKR, all you get are results about online poker games, except for a forex rate result by google finance. What crap! INR is much better optimized for search engines.” informed Tariq, a 15-year-old internet addict, who supports a new symbol for Pakistani rupee.

But people like Sohail and Tariq could face stiff opposition from some religious groups that consider such demands haraam.

“Why do we need to have an image for the currency? The kaafirs in India even worship currencies and use pig shaped boxes to store their money. How can we follow their steps? This will encourage imagery (sic.) and idolatry.” protested Maulana Mushroom Azahar of a pro-Taliban group called Jashn-e-Jahiliyat.

With the civil as well as the uncivil society divided over the issue, the Government of Pakistan has decided not to comment over it, but sources indicate that the diplomatic talks between India and Pakistan could see discussions on this as nothing spectacular was expected from the talks anyway.

BP declares massive outsourcing of oil spill activities to India

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 06:50:16 +0000

London, UK. Hugely disappointed with the over-reaction of the US administration and citizens over the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, oil major British Petroleum (BP) has announced that henceforth it will direct all its environmentally damaging activities towards India with a sustained focus on oil spill. The announcement by BP is being seen as a strong retort to Obama’s deadline given to the company for presenting an updated plan for battling the oil spill crisis.

“India is an emerging economy with a heart for corporate misdemeanors. We are extremely impressed with their handling of Bhopal Gas Tragedy. The patience shown by the government, the investigation agencies and the judiciary has been exemplary, and the USA needs to learn a thing or two from the next superpower.” Tony Hayward, CEO of BP said in a press note.

A bird covered in oil due to oil spill; BP believes that Indians won’t be outraged even if it was a human being

BP has announced this major outsourcing to India even though Obama administration is believed to be anti-outsourcing. Experts believe that BP, which provides around 75% of its political funding to the Republicans, is trying to put pressure on the Obama administration through its latest decision.

The press note released by the company further maintained that corporations all over the world were compassionate and responsible in nature, but a few slips here and there resulted in some deaths and damages occasionally, something for which the corporations shouldn’t be penalized heavily by the civil society.

“We have been providing millions of barrels of oil per week years after years. We work non-stop as we drill every damn place on the earth to extract even more oil so that people can live a luxurious life. People forget that but don’t forget a few thousand barrels spilled over in the Gulf of Mexico.” Tony expressed disappointment while saving some nice words for India.

“Compare it with gratitude that Indian administrators and agencies showed to Warren Anderson and Union Carbide in the case of Bhopal Gas Tragedy.” he added, announcing that the company would soon finalize its plans for major oil spills in India.

The company also praised Indian citizens for showing brave face in wake of corporate disasters.

“Oil and Gas companies are treated nicely in India. No one was jailed when there was a major fire at Jaipur IOC (Indian Oil Corporation) depot in November last year that kept raging for over a week. Indians know that mistakes are bound to happen and one has to learn to live with them. Indians don’t forget the nice work done by corporations.” the press note mentioned.

BP, which owns the Castrol brand in India, had won bids for exploration of oil in the Krishna-Godavari basin along with Reliance in the NELP VII auctions two years ago. The company is confident of executing successful oil spills and other environmentally damaging activities in partnership with Reliance, which already enjoys friendly relationships with the Indian authorities.

Airlines to let travelers select seats next to women travelers

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 06:38:38 +0000

Mumbai. Keeping with its corporate culture of incorporating women in various business processes across verticals, UB Group has decided to add a new feature on the same lines to its aviation business. Passengers traveling by Kingfisher Airlines will now have an extra option of selecting seats lying next to those selected by women co-passengers. They could exercise this option while booking or at the time of check-in.

“Would you like a window seat or isle seat or a seat next to a lady, sir?” was the question popped out to our ugly reporter by this beautiful almond eyed Kingfisher check-in counter staff, which led us to the discovery of this breaking news.

Indian men like to travel with women co-passengers

As an introductory offer, this service is free at the time of check-in and the information is also made available if one chooses to select seats while booking of tickets, but sources indicate that soon a premium could be charged from the willing passengers.

“Currently we just have information on a lady’s age, but we are in the process of gathering further information like her photograph, relationship status, weight, complexion, and if possible, stats related to her figure and curves as well. Once we have these set of information, we could think of charging something between 100 rupees to 5000 rupees to disclose these to the willing passengers.” a Kingfisher employee said.

The company believes that many Indian men secretly desire to get a seat next to a good looking lady, and such a facility will help Airlines attract new and loyal customers. Other airlines have conceded that this was a brilliant innovation by the Kingfisher group and could help them race ahead in the competition, but the decision has also come under sharp criticism from various quarters.

Some groups have accused the UB Group of downgrading and trivializing air travel by playing up upon such ‘petty’ and ‘earthy’ desires of men, and have termed it as ‘dumbing down of air travel’.

“We had heard of such stuffs while booking bus-tickets and people checking out railway reservation charts to find out which berths have women passengers, but this is extreme. There is an element of ‘class’ involved in air travel and this step will simply destroy that class.” protested Manish from JNU, who had earlier raised his voice against the ‘cattle-class’ remark of Shashi Tharoor.

Women groups too have criticized the step terming it as outrageous, unethical, and unconstitutional.

“Basically they would declare all the women traveling by their airlines as ‘available’. Who gave them this right? Furthermore, who are they to decide who should be the co-passenger of a woman? It is a violation of the right to privacy of all women!” protested Nirmala, again from JNU, as her concerns were flashed on all television news channels, apparently because she was the best looking among the protesting lot.

But UB Group has rubbished all such charges and has defended their decision on grounds of being based on sound business principles and practices.

“Height of Media’s absurdity again! We would allow passengers some extra options so we are compromising with privacy of a woman! God help us!” tweeted Vijay Mallya, Chairman of the UB Group.

Singh brothers of Ranbaxy planning an acrimonious split

Wimwian — Mon, 31 May 2010 05:24:03 +0000

New Delhi. An informed source tells us that the Singh brothers, who formerly owned Ranbaxy, are planning an acrimonious split “sometime in 2010”.

Such pictures are expected to appear in mainstream media captioned as “in happier times”, whereas the brothers believe that their happier times would being after the split

When asked for further details, the source would only reveal this much, “Malvinder Mohan Singh and Shivinder Mohan Singh are two of the savviest businessmen in India. They got out of pharmaceuticals at just the right time, selling Ranbaxy to the Japanese at the top of the market. Then they got into hospitals and financial services, and those businesses are already worth a lot. However, what others do not realize is that they are always learning – they know that the Ambani brothers made most of their wealth after their split, not before! And they want to do the same”.

The source then revealed that they have recently hired a number of advisors who had also advised the Ambanis at the time of their split, who have helped them develop this top-secret roadmap:

Start with a single strong business with lots of cash flow e.g. Reliance / Ranbaxy.
Diversify the business into unrelated areas, making sure the companies have unclear holding structures and are incorporated in various jurisdictions.
Have a very acrimonious and public split. Preferably covered live on TV and reported by newspapers with various “insider accounts” and leaks of claims and lawsuits; remember that all publicity is good publicity.
Make sure no one gets to know the actual financial details of the split. If somebody tries to find out, claim that the settlement is private and the matter is sub-judice.
Create a few more companies, merge and divide companies randomly, carefully ‘realigning’ holdings so that minority and public shareholders are squeezed out, while each brother emerges with clear majority holdings in each company.
Do some IPOs, boost share prices, sell at the peak, short-sell, buy at the bottom
Repeat steps 5 and 6 a few times.
Decide to have an amicable settlement; merge again.

n.b. This reporter cannot vouch for the effectiveness of the method outlined above.

Adding fuel to the fire, KV Kamath and some senior lawyers from Amarchand Mangaldas were spotted entering the Religare Corporate office for an undisclosed project – regular readers will recall that these were the same advisors who worked on the Ambani split.

While their advisors are yet to work out the details, early indications are that Shivinder will keep the hospital businesses, while Malvinder will keep the financial services business. The large amount of cash generated by the Japanese sale will be left in the custody of their mother, to be provided to whichever part of the group will need expansion funding.

While this reporter couldn’t independently verify this, it appears that the rebranding of the group from ‘Fortis’ to ‘Religare’ was undertaken to prepare for the split. “They are simple men at heart – they figured if two groups called Reliance could be created, then two groups called Religare would also be successful”, said our source.

Unconfirmed reports say that inspired by Reliance ADA, the groups would be called Religare SMS and Religare MMS, though some insiders are worried that this may sound like they are entering the telecom sector.

Both Shivinder Mohan Singh and Malvinder Mohan Singh refused to comment for this article.

HR team meets to discuss ways to cut down on employee happiness

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 05 May 2010 12:11:41 +0000

Mumbai. After having observed increased level of happiness and satisfaction among the employees in the past few weeks, the HR team of Hindustan Companies Limited (HCL) met today to discuss innovative ways of reducing employee pleasure to bring it down to the acceptable levels. The three member top level team is expected to finish its brainstorming session by 5.30 PM sharp and submit its recommendations to the top management tomorrow.

“We had received specific information from our sources that employees were seen generally happy and jovial in the past few weeks. No important announcement or managerial decisions were taken in the concerned duration that could have logically added to the overall well-being of the employees. At best, the development could be termed an aberration.” Hari Sadu, HR head of HCL said.

Employees are normally supposed to openly express their happiness for corporate presentations and brochures

After having personally witnessed the increased happiness among the employees yesterday, when he saw a group of employees laughing and cracking jokes during the lunch break, a puzzled and concerned Hari Sadu called for an emergency meeting today morning, which continued till reports last came in.

“I too have seen these guys spending too much time in cafeteria, near coffee-vending machines or in the smoking corners and being jolly for almost no apparent reason.” Nitya Udaas, senior HR manager, shared the concern, further adding, “Maybe the workload has reduced of late. We have to check with the sales department if we are getting enough business.”

“I have noticed that even the toilets are occupied for longer duration these days.” quipped Anand Anjaan, third member of the top-level team, wondering what was going on in the office.

After discussing various problems and irregularities in employee behavior, the HR team also discussed employing some innovative techniques to control employee pleasure.

“We could make the coffee-vending machine operative only after swiping it with the identity cards. We can get data on which employee is spending maximum time drinking coffee and accordingly deal with the problem.” proposed Hari Sadu, directing Anand to find out how much will such a card-swiping machine cost and to send a proposal to the Finance department.

“Also find out the cost of that toilet-timer that switches off the lights in toilets after ten minutes. This will make sure that no employee spends too much time over there, while we would project it as an electricity saving initiative towards making HCL green.” interjected Nitya, which was well appreciated by Hari and Anand.

HR team was still in the board room when this report was filed, with smiles returning to their faces as they discussed and analyzed the problem at hand in detail.

Chai wallah hires McKinsey to find out if he should sell Omelets and Maggi too

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 04:40:12 +0000

Ahmedabad. Rambhai, the famous tea stall owner outside IIM Ahmedabad campus, has decided to hire global management consultancy firm McKinsey & Company to advise him over his plans to sell Omelets and Maggi alongside tea and cigarettes. Rambhai has been mulling over diversifying his portfolio of products and services for quite some time now, and finally decided to take the route usually taken by astute business managers.

“My product matrix was looking the same for many years now and I wished to change it. There was no scope for a forward integration in tea or cigarettes business as I was pretty much at the end of the value chain, whereas a backward integration would have meant getting into tea or tobacco farming, which is usually controlled by mafia. The only choice left was to diversify into other products and services.” Rambhai explained the rationale behind his decision.

But since any diversification, or for that matter any business decision, should be backed by sound logic and PowerPoint presentations to prove that the step would lead to lower risk and higher yields, Rambhai decided to engage McKinsey.

“I have seen students cross over the road to eat omelet and Maggi. They can buy it from my stall without undertaking the risk of being run over by a vehicle while crossing the road. In fact, that makes me eligible to charge a risk premium; but I won’t do that.” Rambhai provided a sound logic, but expressed helplessness to make a PowerPoint presentation.

“That’s where McKinsey will help me.” Rambhai said.

Something similar will help Rambhai in going ahead with his decision

McKinsey & Company, usually very secretive about their clients and services, have confirmed the deal and have expressed happiness to serve Rambhai, who has earlier served many of their leading consultants when they were MBA students at IIM Ahmedabad. Achal Gupta, a senior consultant with the firm would be the on-site manager for the project.

“Given that India’s GDP is poised to grow at 8% over the coming years, the outlook for egg-based pancakes and its value-added variants is promising.” Achal said, agreeing with the logic of Rambhai, adding, “Maggi too is a good idea, but we have to take into consideration the brand loyalty and elasticity for noodle consumption among the potential consumers.”

Achal would be staying at Fortune Landmark Hotel and would be making daily visits to IIM Ahmedabad to collect primary data such as number of students and probability distribution of eggetarians and noodlephiles among them across future batches, number of competitors, secondary reports on IIM Ahmedabad campus life, forward exchange rates of USD, and carbon emissions from cooking omelets.

“All these will help me analyze the whole business proposition from a wider perspective. It would also help me estimate and forecast the demand for omelets and Maggi and suggest quantities of eggs and Maggi packets that Rambhai should order daily, and also the price at which he should be selling the omelets and Maggi to realize an optimal return on investment.” Achal said.

Achal refused to divulge if the consultancy fees charged by the company would be considered as a part of the investment and would be to be recovered from the consumers through the final suggested price of the products. He also denied the possibility that the project could become untenable on grounds of a prohibitive final price.

“The client is ready to invest and has made up his mind. Our job is to work on numbers and presentation and help him with his decision. We can always find a way out.” Achal expressed confidence of the project adding value to Rambhai’s decision.

McKinsey will make a final presentation to Rambhai on 1^st May at IIM Ahmedabad’s auditorium.

After Promoted Tweets, Twitter to launch News Channel

Prabuddha — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 08:05:57 +0000

New Delhi. Just a day after announcing that it will introduce Promoted Tweets in an attempt towards monetization, Twitter has now unveiled its ambitious plan to launch a news channel in India. It wants to ride on the popularity it enjoys in India; especially the kind of support celebrities have shown has been instrumental in making Twitter decide about it. One more thing that goes in Twitter’s favor is the rate at which it has successfully generated fresh and spicy content, without which today’s news scenario is unimaginable.

“Yes, it’s a logical progression for us. We had been eying it and closely observing the Indian news scene. We are very excited about the whole project.” said Evan Williams, Co-founder, Twitter, though he appeared little secretive and didn’t want to divulge much details about it. When asked about the search for an Indian partner for the venture, he chose not to answer.

Indian viewers have anyway been watching mostly Twitter on news channels

According to our sources, Twitter’s foray in news has set the alarm bells ringing in news channels across India. Newsroom discussions reveal that the top brass of every news channel is busy making strategies to counter Twitter News before it goes on air, while the journalists are happy at the prospects of getting a better salary and benefits with a new player joining the race.

“I was denied promotion and salary hike on account of recession last year, and this year I could again be denied the same as my boss had an ugly fight with me last night during office party. My only hope is to join Twitter’s news channel.” a Producer in a leading news channel said on conditions of anonymity.

Management of leading news channels are well aware of these threats and have reportedly finalized some strategies to counter them. Probable strategies include hiring the duplicates of celebrities, as it’s feared that most of the celebrities might just choose Twitter News to voice their views. Reporters are also being asked to innovate and religiously follow the social networking sites, thus lifting the ban on such sites in the offices.

Some channels have even gone to the extent of launching their own social networking sites trying to look like Twitter and naming their sites as Scooter, Sweater, GalaTar, Teether, and even Kabootar.

Though, unconfirmed, it is also widely known in the industry now that Twitter will sport a permanent ‘Exclusive’ bug apart from the channel logo as it is pretty confident that all content will be exclusive to Twitter.

While talking to Faking News, Evan Williams emphasized on the social responsibility of the channel and said, ‘”We plan to have Indian Sparrow as our logo instead of the usual blue bird, as it’s on the verge of extinction.”

All efforts are being made to woo Shashi Tharoor to make him the head of India Operations as he is believed to be quite an expert in creating juicy issues which Indian viewers savor. Talks are on to rope in Lalit Modi also to launch the regional versions of the channel. But every care is being taken to make their offices as far from each other as possible.

Clearly, things are shaping well for this popular networking site. And soon the rules of the game for the Indian media industry can go for a ‘see’ change.

Industry unhappy over lack of plans for 3G spectrum allotment scam

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 16:01:05 +0000

New Delhi. Major industry players in the telecommunications sector have expressed deep anguish and disappointment over seeming lack of plans for any scam during the auction of 3G spectrum. According to sources, companies were ready with kickbacks but were disappointed after being asked to participate in a competitive bidding process. The players are missing the complicity simplicity in the procedures that were seen during the auction of 2G spectrum.

“Auction? Competitive bidding!? Are we talking about spectrum allocation or IPL teams here?” wondered Reliance Communications representative, adding, “We would like the government to go back to the traditional ways of doing business.”

3G mobiles are expected to change the lives of common Indians

According to reports, Department of Telecommunications has asked the mobile companies to take part in an online competitive bidding process that could continue for various days, whereas 2G spectrum was given away on first-come-first serve basis without any competitive bidding.

“Why complicate things? And why online? It’s not safe! Chinese hackers can hack into the bidding process. After Chinese mobiles, will we have Chinese spectrum as well? Maybe that’s why Defense Ministry doesn’t want to give away 3G spectrum.” the Airtel representative expressed his concerns and called for scrapping of the current tedious process in favor of the original method.

Even players like Etisalat, who ended up paying huge money to buy stakes from parties having 2G spectrum license like Swan Telecom, were in favor of following the 2008 method of 2G spectrum allotment, as they wished to ‘offset’ their earlier expenses.

Government officials have ruled out scrapping of the auction process, which went underway today morning, but have promised to look into the concerns of the participating players.

“It’s also the first time for us and we would like to learn from the process. We can understand that it appears completely unnatural if a deal worth billions of rupees is completed without any kickbacks or controversies, but let’s see; the process can take one month to complete.” said a DoT official.

“We will earn at least Rs. 45,000 crore through these auctions.” Telecom Minister A. Raja said.

Barista shaken by couple who just had two cups of coffee

GenuineFaker — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 12:10:25 +0000

Gurgaon. In an unexpected turn of events in the history of organized coffee retail that may have far-reaching consequences for the industry, a man and a woman visited the Barista Lavazza Coffee Shop located at the Grand Mall on MG Road this Wednesday for the purpose of having coffee, had two cups of coffee, just coffee and nothing else, paid their bill and went away.

“I still don’t have any idea why those two came to our Barista,” says store attendant Kaushal. “They weren’t rich women taking a break from shopping, and using the time between sips to compete over who had the more expensive accessories. They weren’t young entrepreneurs using the shop as AC office space for the price of a coffee. They weren’t elderly executives trying to chat up young female employees over ‘just coffee’. What did they mean by having coffee without having any ulterior motive in mind?”

Thirty-four year old quality supervisor Harmesh Gupta had just bought a book from the Landmark bookstore located in the same mall, when he happened to comment to his wife, Deepti Gupta, a homemaker, “Hey, I’m feeling like having a coffee.” Before they knew it, they had entered the bright orange coffee shop next door and placed an order for “two coffees”, cappuccinos to be precise.

“It was weird enough for me to notice too,” adds fellow employee Sparsh. “A tray with only cappuccinos tends to stand out. No brownies, no sandwiches no ice-cream. Just coffee. At that time I thought Kaushal must have mis-heard, and felt my only ray of hope in two months of getting promoted over him. But no such luck,” sighs Sparsh. “The freaks. I mean, customers had only ordered two cappuccinos!?”

Experts believe that the shocking incident could push Barista to change its logo and message and make it more inclusive

“It was indeed a first for us,” admits Dinesh Chhabra, NCR Area Manager for the pan-India coffee retail chain. “I hope no one noticed,” he adds.

“Of course I noticed them,” says noted socialite and author Shobha De, who happened to be present in the cafe at that time. “I could tell at a glance they didn’t belong there. The guy was actually looking at the ads being displayed on the big OOH screen, and his girlfriend, I presume, did not look at the other women present in the cafe, even once! I was breathless with anticipation that they would do something socially awkward, so that I could write about it in my next ToI column. But they just drank their coffee, paid the bill and walked out. Just like that! What a disappointment!”

“It’s the direct result of faulty branding,” says Aroop Banerjee, head of Ogilvy and Mather’s Corporate Identity Division, who designed the branding for Barista rival, Café Coffee Day. “If you have a logo that looks like a steaming cup of coffee, sooner or later, people are going to walk in expecting just that, a cup of coffee.”

Aroop says they designed CCD’s branding to counter just this tendency of people to expect coffee in a coffee shop. “You never see this kind of thing happening in CCD. Why? Because of the big red board outside that sets the right expectations – A lot can happen over coffee – it makes sure only those people walk in the shop that have something else brewing in their minds. Ooh I gotta write that down. ‘brewing in their minds‘ Wow, I am so brilliant!”

When contacted, Harmesh and Deepti were unaware that anything was amiss. “I remember it was good coffee,” said Harmesh. “Yes, really good coffee,” agreed Deepti. “Wait, did I forget to tip the waiter or something?” wondered Harmesh.

Harmesh may not realize it, but his action might cause a similar upheaval in the organized book retail industry as well, for he bought a book that he intends to read himself.

US pornography companies eager to open offices in India

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 04:30:10 +0000

California, USA. In a move signaling India’s steady progress towards becoming the next superpower, many pornographic film production companies of USA have expressed keen interest in opening their branches in India. These companies, mostly based out of San Pornando Valley here, have appealed to the government of India to allow FDI in the pornography industry. Although industry experts have welcomed the move, Indian government is yet to respond to the proposal.

“Indians have the right mindset and resources to produce as well as consume pornographic content. But unfortunately, the indigenously produced pornographic materials are often seen wanting in terms of technical finesse and production quality. With the US companies setting up offices in India, we can make our mark at the international level.” Mastram, an industry expert who runs a massage center in Delhi, said.

An Indian porn movie – experts believe that Indian porn industry needs FDI as it has either been funny or filthy without it

The proposal for allowing foreign porn companies to open offices in India comes close to the possibility of foreign universities setting up campuses in India. US industry players see this development as a positive signal.

“This is encouraging. Many university students back in the US join porn companies part-time to pay their tuition fees. We would love to see a similar trend happening in India so that there are no supply side problems once we start operations there.” hoped Dick Wilde, CEO of Naughty America, one of the key players interested in opening offices in India.

People like Wilde are hopeful of a seamless start to their operations even if the foreign universities bill was not passed by the Indian parliament. They believe that the supply chain for the porn industry is already in place in India, and they just need to tap the right resources.

“Look at that guy called Ichchhadhari Baba, the godman who was caught with callgirls in Delhi. He had a long list of connections both on the supply as well as on the demand side of a sister business. We need to get in touch with such guys and involve them in our operations.” Dick Wilde said.

The fact that the Indian government had banned cartoon porn site Savita Bhabhi last year has failed to dampen the hopes of the industry players in the US and the industry experts back in India. Faking News tried to contact many government officials, but none of them were ready to comment over the issue.

New bill to allow BMW drivers to hit and run without much trouble

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:01:02 +0000

New Delhi. Government is planning to introduce Liability for Driving Damage Bill that will limit the damages a BMW driver would need to pay out to compensate people mauled in any hit-and-run case. The bill puts an upper cap of 5 lakh rupees that a driver or owner of any BMW car should pay, apart from insuring that there were no litigations against the driver six months after the incident.

“There have been cases earlier where a BMW driver or owner has to go through harrowing times fighting court cases after hit-and-run incidents. This has seriously damaged the image of India among BMW car owners and very few of such swanky cars are seen on roads these days. This hurts the image of India as the next superpower.” said Jaipal Reddy, Union Minister for Urban Development.

BMW cars are deemed necessary for India’s urban development

Government is confident that if the bill is passed, India will attract more BMW cars, especially in the national capital region, which will help in preparations for the Commonwealth Games slated to be held later this year in Delhi.

“With more and more BMW cars, the foreign delegates would tend to overlook the filth and unauthorized colonies in the capital city.” a member of the Indian Olympics Association said on conditions of anonymity.

The bill further provisions that any claim over 5 lakh rupees in any hit-and-run case by the victims would be paid by the government. Furthermore, the bill is supposed to provide complete protection to the BMW Company even if the car was faulty and might have caused the accident. The accident would still be identified as a hit-and-run case and the government would bailout the drivers.

These features of the bill are coming under attack from opposition parties as well as civil rights groups.

“Why should Indian taxpayers pay for incompetence of these rich car owners?” protested Pranav, a Greenpeace activist, pointing out that a similar law in the USA stipulated for higher damages for the victims of hit-and-run cases.

While the government has refused to comment over these criticisms, BMW officials have expressed fears that India could lag behind in urban development if the bill was not passed soon.

“Work from Toilet” scheme mooted for people with stomach problems

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 11:03:17 +0000

New Delhi. Are you one of those who are forced to spend hours in bathroom on toilet seats due to some stomach problem or because you just love being there? This hobby or handicap of yours might have proved to be an impediment to a regular employment till now, but things could soon improve. A leading recruitment consultancy company, having offices in the USA and India, has mooted the idea of Work from Toilet (WFT) jobs.

“As a society we have to be more inclusive and tolerant to other people’s needs and natures. We realized that there are people suffering from constipation who spend a lot of time in toilets in anticipation. Similarly there are people who love reading, thinking and analyzing issues while seated on toilet seats. Our society have been losing vital productive hours by ignoring these set of people, and hence we came up with the idea of WFT jobs.” said Shital, CEO of Wecruit Consultants.

Experts believe that a lot of people are being discriminated against for their toilet habits

Shital says that WFT jobs can be found in each sector and this could just be the next big thing in the recruitment industry, for more and more people were multitasking in toilets these days.

“A lot of people read magazines and newspapers only in their toilets. Obviously, a person, who knows how it feels like being in a toilet, can write better articles for such people. I believe a lot of writing and journalism jobs could fall into the WFT category.” said Shital, requesting all the newspapers to find out what percentage of their readership was toilet-borne.

“I can say for sure that a leading brand of newspaper in India is read only in our toilets, and they would do better if they made their journalists work through WFT mode.” Shital added, refusing to name the brand.

Apart from writing and journalism, IT-sector was also indicated as one of the potential big recruiters of the WFT candidates. Many of the management consulting jobs, as well as jobs of an analyst in investment banks, are expected to fall into WFT category as per Wecruit Consultants, who are coordinating with various corporate houses to come up with the inaugural list of WFT jobs.

“No, not because these jobs are akin to passing shit, we never said that.” Shital quickly disagreed with the wisecrack of our reporter, adding, “An employee working in a toilet can concentrate better on his work and can finish the job quickly. I’m pretty sure companies would like the idea.”

Wecruit Consultants are also planning to lobby for policy changes to force employers to advertise for WFT jobs under equal opportunity employment laws in various countries.

IIM student has started believing his salary quoted by media

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 08:20:18 +0000

New Delhi. In a serious development raising concerns of his well being, an IIM student has started believing that he would actually be getting the same amount of cash in hand as has been reported by media for being his annual salary. The 24-year-old student from one of the top IIMs (campus withheld to protect identity) bagged a job offer of 1.92 crore rupees as per media reports.

“Wow, that’s 16 lakh rupees per month, almost four times what my father earns in the whole year.” said Vikash (name changed), whose father works in the electricity board in Indore. Vikash would be working as an Associate with a leading investment bank in London.

An IIM student is expected to earn millions of dollars, if he can’t, he is a loser

Vikash is planning to buy a new house, five new air-conditioners and a new car, and would soon be proposing to that girl from his school, who is now studying fashion designing. He’s confident of leading a dignified life with his head held high, as he believes that he can soon earn an amount that will be sufficient for his family for an entire lifetime.

“Sorry HDFC, I don’t need your plans.” said Vikash, referring to the plea of HDFC Standard Life Insurance Company to insure life or leave back so much money after death that a person’s family can use it to meet their expenses and not worry about any other source of income.

But Vikash’s confidence and calculations have started worrying his friends and authorities at the IIM. They believe that Vikash has got carried away after being interviewed and reported by various media channels.

“We are really worried now. He might go into depression when he realizes that London is way too expensive city and and his salary includes non-cash, non-payable, variable, and one-time components, apart from an insurance component in his case which he is frowning upon. And then he has to pay taxes. Every IIM student knows it; don’t know what happened to him in the past few days.” said the placement coordinator of the concerned IIM.

Attempts by friends and authorities to dissuade Vikash from such massive future planning have come a cropper for the time being, but they are hopeful of pulling things back in time.

Meanwhile reports about Vikash bagging such prized job have instilled hope in many other IIM aspirants to rewrite their destiny.

“Clearly economy is recovering and jobs are back with huge salaries. I am so happy.” said Samir, a salesman attending evening classes to get into top b-schools.

Opposition walks out over one thing they could understand in Union Budget

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 13:00:15 +0000

New Delhi. Union Budget, as inscrutable and insipid as it has been for years, proved to be of some difference this year when MPs could actually make sense of one sentence in the speech of the finance minister Pranab Mukherjee. As soon as the minister said something about restoration of basic duty and enhancement of Central Excise duty on stuffs like petrol and diesel, the opposition MPs could understand that it meant price rise, and walked out of the Lok Sabha.

“It was awesome! I always thought that no one in the parliament understood a thing about Budget, because I always saw people sleeping during the previous speeches. But boy, don’t they know what is being talked about?” said Ravinder, a final year MBA student at FMS Delhi.

The move by the opposition parties has also come as a pleasant surprise to many other people, who thought that budgetary and financial matters were beyond the ken of parliamentarians, and such decisions were taken by bureaucrats and technocrats. But parliamentarians have disapproved of such points of view.

“Yes, there are some things that we don’t understand, for example, I have no idea how does finance ministry budget for non-planned expenditure, when they are non-planned by definition. But we understand things like petrol and diesel. We also understand sugar.” said a walked out BJP Member of Parliament.

But many members of the parliament were candid to admit that Budget remained a mystery to them.

“I thumped the benches whenever I saw someone like Chidambaram or Madam Gandhi doing the same, but honestly, I don’t really know what does all this mean.” said a Congress MP on conditions of anonymity.

Not only MPs, many people outside the parliament too thought that they never understood a thing about budget, maybe with an exception of income tax rates. Others thought that the whole exercise was meaningless.

“We too make plans and budget for our company and within a couple of months everything goes for a toss. How can they plan for the whole country?” said 37-year-old Karthik, who runs his own toy manufacturing company, adding, “some news channels are saying that toys will cost lesser; no way I’m going to lower down the prices.”

A solar rickshaw that will cost lesser now is being seen as the vehicle of development

Meanwhile a lot of peopled searched for images of solar rickshaw after the budget speech, as they are supposed to cost lesser and bring relief to the common man among rising prices. In an exclusive interview to Faking News after his budget speech in the parliament, Pranab Mukherjee was kind enough to explain the rationale.

“A rickshaw peddler would need lesser muscular energy to drive a solar rickshaw. We want all rickshaws to be converted into solar powered ones, so that the demand for muscular energy, which is derived from nutrition and food, goes down. This would mean lesser demand for food, which will bring down the rising food prices.” said Pranab Da.

Railways passengers to be fined for farting and snoring inside coaches

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 08:56:28 +0000

New Delhi. In a significant development, Railway Ms. Minister Mamta Banerjee today announced a new rule for Indian Railways that would empower TTEs (Train Ticket Examiners) to penalize passengers indulged in persistent snoring or farting while traveling. The penalty could range from a fine of 500 Rupees to five hours of imprisonment inside the train toilet.

The rule was announced while presenting the Railway Budget for financial year 2010-11, and will come into effect from next week.

The rule has been welcomed and come as a relief to millions of non-snoring-non-farting railway commuters, who otherwise were disappointed with the minister over non-introduction of new facilities to enrich the traveling experience. Such harassed commuters will now have an option of complaining to the TTE about a snoring or farting passenger causing discomfort to them, following which the TTE would be free to exercise his punitive powers right away.

“It’s a very good decision. In fact I would say that this is the best that Mamtadi could do to better the traveling experience. What’s the use of other facilities when there is a farting zombie sitting with you? Can you imagine a situation where you are served the most delicious food by the Railways and as soon as you open the packet, the guy sitting next to you farts? It sucks man! Same goes for snoring losers; what’s the use of being offered a cozy berth with Kashmiri shawl if the guy sleeping on the next berth is sending out a wake up alarm all the time?” Prashant, a railway commuter told.

Many people believe that these men are sticking their necks outside the railway coach as someone might have farted inside

But many people believe that the new rule curtails the fundamental rights of people, especially the right to equality and the right to freedom of expression. They believe that fining or imprisoning someone is akin to treating them like criminals, which violates the fundamental rights of people.

“On what basis farting or snoring could be deemed as a crime? On one hand we oppose the suspension of a gay professor in AMU as homosexuality has been decriminalized, and on the other hand we are witnessing farting and snoring being criminalized. This is shocking. Just like gays choose to release their sexuality in a different way, these people choose to release air in a different way. How can it be a punishable crime?” Ashant, a Human Rights activist protested, threatening mass agitations against the rule.

These activists suggest that people having problems with snoring or farting passengers should change their berths instead of victimizing the poor souls.

Fearing a showdown between protestors and supporters of the new rule, some pacifists have suggested a system that could allow people to indicate themselves as farters or non-farters while booking the tickets so that the railways can club them separately and allocate berths accordingly.

Ms. Mamta Banerjee promised to look into the matter but she categorically denied that the rule could be scrapped following these protests, which means that rest of the passengers can breathe a whiff of fresh air for now.

Young boy books young girl for secretary when he becomes vice president

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 12:11:11 +0000

Mumbai. 10-year-old Joey, son of Volkswagen India CEO, has decided to pick 8-year-old Preity as his personal secretary when he turns 24 and becomes the vice president of the company. The important decision was taken during his birthday bash yesterday, when hordes of young boys and girls attended the party hosted by his father. Preity was looking quite pretty in her pink dress, apparently impelling Joey to make the lucrative job offer.

“Is it possible to hire a personal secretary, in advance?” Joey reportedly asked his father, who answered in affirmative as he had just returned back home from campus placements of various business schools, where he had booked hired many MBAs in advance, for they were still studying and yet to graduate successfully.

Joey is seen smiling here after announcing his second corporate decision

“Then book her as my personal secretary when I become the vice president.” Joey pointed towards Preity, eliciting out clapping and sounds of “well deserved sir” from the guests present in the party, including Preity’s parents Mr. and Mrs. Iyer. It’s widely believed that Preity landed up with the job offer as she was looking really cute.

Mr. and Mrs. Iyer are quite happy over this pre-placement offer made to their daughter, although parents of other little girls present in the party thought that the decision smacked of nepotism and sycophancy. Mr. Iyer, Preity’s dad, works as a sales manager in Volkswagen India and is seen as being very close and privy to Joey’s dad by other employees in the office.

“The post was not well advertised. We had no idea that such an important decision could have been made, else we’d have dressed up our girls as well. Clearly Joey’s dad or someone in the family had passed on this insider information to Iyers.” complained a couple on conditions of anonymity.

The decision has also raised eyebrows among social scientists and democracy activists, who have taken strong objection to Joey’s audacious and presumptuous confidence of becoming a vice president at the age of 24.

“What kind of disdainful mindset is this that we are cheering here? It clearly shows the feudal and undemocratic policies being followed in the private sector. We’d never allow this conceited kid to have his way. The government has to formulate policies to rein in such dictatorial chaps.” Meera Mehta, a social worker said, announcing mass protests outside the villa of Joey from tomorrow.

Volkswagen India has refused to comment on the issue.

Reliance Telecommunications announces results for the rest of the year

Wimwian — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 11:10:22 +0000

Mumbai. In an unprecedented development, Reliance Telecommunications has announced its results for all the remaining quarters of the year, even though there are another eleven months left in the year. Explaining the move to Faking News business reporter SK Wimwian, the company’s VP, Corporate Affairs, Mr. Rajan Sajnani said that this was meant to send a strong signal to the stock markets, the government, and to all the customers of Reliance Telecommunications about the management’s firm belief in the company’s future prospects.

“In fact, we strongly believe that we shall earn exactly Rs. 3,958 crores in the fourth quarter, and make an operating profit of Rs. 878 crores. Taking into account unexpected gains of Rs. 312 crores from sale of old handsets that were lying in the company’s godown, the company shall declare a profit before tax of Rs. 1190 crores for the fourth quarter.” said Sajnani. This is a 43% jump over the profits for the third quarter, which were also declared at the same time. The company had made a loss of Rs. 945 crores in the second quarter, for which results were declared last week.

The step by Reliance Telecommunications is expected to end recession, finally

Corporate observers were not sure how the Company’s board could declare the results with such confidence. Professor Nani Dholkivala of IIM Ahmedabad stated that he believed there was more to this than meets the eye, “How can they expect today what the ‘unexpected gains’ will be six months from now? Even my MBA students won’t make such an elementary error”.

However, Mr. Tarun Bannerjee of the Kolkata chapter of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of India, dismissed any such speculation, saying, “This is perfectly possible. Why, all these years all these companies have been paying advance tax and nobody said a thing – what’s the problem if one company declared Revenue and Profits in advance as well? Every CA knows that advance tax calculations are usually exactly right. After all, the management and the board have reasonable flexibility in these things.”

Stock market circles are still unsure how to deal with this announcement. The stock rose 13% in the morning but later retreated to its overnight price of Rs 42. Mr. Kumar Gadharba, leading stock market analyst from CNBC-Profit and Loss, had this to say, “This is unfair – if all this information is routinely disclosed to all investors so far in advance, then analysts like myself will have no role left!”

The SEBI Chairman refused to comment, saying that his office was still studying the announcement. “However, prima facie it appears to be OK because the information was disclosed to all investors at the same time, and no insider trading seems to have occurred.”

Monsanto announces plans for BT Brinjal that tastes like chicken

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:30:31 +0000

Missouri, USA. Monsanto, the leading producer of genetically engineered agricultural products worldwide, has announced its plans to develop a new variety of BT Brinjal that will taste like cooked chicken meat. Company claims that such product will help thousands of those non-vegetarian people who want to become vegetarian by choice but have been unable to do so because they could never resist the tempting taste of non-vegetarian food.

“Contrary to the propaganda being waged against us, our company believes in preserving and conserving our environment and contributing to a better tomorrow. It is part of our serious attempt towards building a greener world, and we are trying to encourage vegetarianism through this step.” Hugh Grant, Chairman, President, and CEO of Monsanto announced in a press conference.

Monsanto releases tasty food yet again

When asked by journalists if the new range of brinjals would have bones as well, Mr. Grant answered in negative but asked his deputy to take note of the question.

“Very good question! I think it’s a nice idea; many non-vegetarian people not only enjoy the taste of meat, they actually like gnawing at the bones and shredding the meat from it. Our company is committed to making the world greener and our next attempt would be to create brinjals with bones.” Hugh Grant assured the journalist from a Cooking and Food magazine.

New Brinjals would be available in chicken flavor to being with and would be commercially released later this year. Based on the response and feedback, the company will release new flavors like mutton, beef and pork, if deemed safe in religious terms.

Analysts see this brinjal by Monsanto as their desperate attempt to make inroads into the environmental activists and win away the activists supporting environmental vegetarianism. While a few of the vegetarians have welcomed the move, most of them have greeted the news with caution.

“It’s a nice thing that at last Monsanto has started caring for animal life, but they still need to answer the questions about environment, humans and plant life. Will their new BT Brinjal be safe for consumption by human beings? Such questions still remain unanswered.” Bharat Vyas, one of the vegetarianism activists said.

Apart from such questions, Monsanto seems headed for more trouble as activists belonging to a certain BBA (Baingan Bachao Andolan or save the brinjal movement) in India have threatened to launch an agitation against the move. These activists claim that the move would sound death knell for brinjals in India.

“BT foods are known to replace the local variety of agricultural crops and farmers become slave to the seeds. Soon natural brinjals would be extinct and our kids would see them along with tigers and dinosaurs in museum.” one of the BBA activists warned of the consequences.

(based on inputs by special correspondent Hozefa Merchant)

Emami launches toothbrush that can reduce hair fall among men

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 14:17:16 +0000

Mumbai. Leading FMCG company Emami Limited has launched a new range of toothbrushes that can reduce hair fall rates among young male executives. Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan, who has been promoting other brands of the company like Navratna Tel, Sona Chandi Chyawanprash and Fair & Handsome, has been roped in again to promote the toothbrushes, being called “Keshodant”. The company formally launched the toothbrush at a rock concert here today.

On this occasion, a television ad for Keshodant was released, which showed Shahrukh Khan as a young executive in his mid-20’s. In the ad, SRK wakes up in the morning to find tufts of his hair strewn upon his pillow. Dejected and depressed, he goes on to slip in the bathroom, suffer bruises on bums, gets late for office, gets warning from boss, works late in the office, and misses dinner date with his girlfriend, who then dumps him. The young SRK is aghast with contortions clearly visible on his face.

At this moment, “Keshodant” is flashed on the television screen; the same man i.e. SRK brushes his teeth with the new toothbrush before sleeping, and wakes up to see a clean pillow! Excited and delighted, he goes on to do everything right in his day. Even his girlfriend begs him to take her back by kissing him on his receding hairline. But he spurns the hot girl, kisses his new toothbrush and asks all the viewers to “get their priorities right” and buy Keshodant.

Shahrukh Khan with Keshodant in a promotional poster for the new toothbrush by Emami

“Hair fall is a common problem among the youth and we thought that such a theme would connect with them instantly. Our toothbrushes have been aerodynamically designed to reduce hair fall and are certified by IMA*. We believe that Keshodant will be a huge hit.” Emami marketing head Mahesh Manjan said while interacting with mediapersons as at the launch event.

Mr. Manjan refused to elaborate the exact science working between the hair fall rate and toothbrush’s design, but claimed that the customers will definitely get the desired results if they used the toothbrush in the same way as prescribed by the company. The exact procedures of use have been uploaded on the company’s website, the link of which would be mentioned somewhere on the cover of the toothbrush. The link was not mentioned on the samples that were given to the journalists, but journalists were happy as they got free gift voucher from Emami and iPod Nano along with the toothbrush.

“We are guaranteeing money back to a customer if his or her hair fall rate doesn’t come down by at least 3% within three weeks of correct use.” Mr. Manjan further informed as journalists took notes.

Stocks of Keshodant will hit the markets with the new year and Emami is hopeful that the product will be a huge hit, especially among those who have been using the men’s fairness cream Fair & Handsome regularly.

But it seems that the company might have to try a little harder as not everyone seems so convinced about the promises being made.

“It seems just too good to be true. They need to do a lot of explaining. I just can’t understand how can a toothbrush reduce my hair fall, but man, it just might be the product I was waiting for.” said Ravi, a balding executive, who feels he had grown a bit fairer after applying the SRK’s khaas mardon waali fairness cream.

Emami is planning to hold local rock concerts in various cities in the coming weeks to promote Keshodant.

*Indian Marketers Association

After Nano, Tata all set to launch Nana – the people’s helicopter

rohitdinkar — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 06:22:11 +0000

Mumbai. Now each one can fly. No, that’s not a new slogan from some plane ticket booking website, but a promise by the reputed Tata Group, which has announced their latest plans to launch Nana – the people’s helicopter. Nana will cost around 10 Lakh rupees and will be specially manufactured for the Indian middle class that desires to have safer and quicker means of transport at an affordable cost.

“As a young boy, Ratan Tata had dreamt that every Indian family should have their own helicopter; Nana is realization of the same.” said a Tata spokesperson, adding, “There were critics who had claimed that our lakh-rupees car Nano would populate the road and add to traffic jams. But now, powered with Nana, people can simply ignore the road traffic.”

Interestingly, Nana can be used both on land and in air, making it the most versatile vehicle available to the common masses till now. It will have a seating capacity of four persons and a top speed of 250 Kms/hr. Nana will be launched in December 2012 with Bollywood actor Nana Patekar as brand ambassador.

An always excited Nana Patekar has even suggested a new slogan for this launch – “Ek helicopter aadmi ko parinda bana sakta hai” (A helicopter can make a bird out of a man).

With such a grand project in sight, political parties have started wooing the Tata Group to set up manufacturing plants in their respective constituencies. They also expect Nana to be equipped with latest security and landing measures so that political leaders don’t land in controversies while flying for political campaigns.

The support for Tata Group among the political class can be gauged from the fact that this time around, even Mamta Banerjee has shown full support to their project. She has in fact started a hunger strike demanding a Nana manufacturing plant in Singur, a complete turnaround from her earlier stand over Nano.

Tata Group chairman Ratan Tata has refused to comment on her demands, but he assured the political class that Nana would be safer than their current helicopters and equipped with modern technologies like a PSPO rotor fans. Tata have contacted Orient PSPO (pyara sa pankha orient ka) for a partnership.

Common people had mixed reaction to the news with kids wondering if their kite flying sessions would be cut short drastically after Nana starts flying in the air, while the adults wondered if the price of Nana would still be 10 Lakhs rupees when it finally comes after production in December 2012. Nonetheless many families were happy to see themselves flying with their dear ones three years from now.

Nana, Didi, and Dreams

Attractive model is confident and all set for new car launch

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:01:08 +0000

New Delhi. Even as the automobile market in India heats up with more and more global players entering the arena, 18-year-old Nikita Sawhney is confident of the success of Volkswagen’s new small car Polo, which will be launched early next year in India. Nikita, an aspiring model and actress, has been working hard for the launch and has uploaded her new photos on facebook for the event that could take place in the Auto Expo taking off on January 5 here.

A file picture from the business page of a leading Indian newspaper

“My friends have complimented my photographs and they find me slimmer and sexier than before. While it’s encouraging and is good for the launch, what they don’t realize is that a lot of strategic thinking and planning has gone into it. I am a bit nervous as this is a great responsibility on my shoulders and fortunes of thousands of families depend upon me.” Nikita said cross-leggedly in an exclusive interview to Faking News.

Nikita will be sharing dais with Volkswagen’s top management at the car launch and hopes to see her pictures in the business segments of all the newspapers and news channels next year. She was contacted by an event management company earlier this year for this opportunity, which she happily grabbed and dropped out of her college. She is hoping to get a plum television commercial contract for the new car as well and silence her cribbing parents.

Volkswagen’s managers too share the optimism of Nikita and have expressed confidence that the new small car Polo would be a success. When asked how the new model was different from the other ones in the market, company’s marketing manager said, “She has a very good figure and she gets dimples when she smiles.” Faking News reporter had to clarify that the question was about the new model by Volkswagen and not about the young model Nikita.

Volkswagen sued by an Indian for copyright infringement

Guest Patrakar — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:00:32 +0000

Kolkata. Nitin Das was running a flourishing chain of automobile repair workshops under the name of ‘Das Auto’ when he saw the new Volkswagen commercial on the national television. Infuriated at his brand name being used as Volkswagen’s tagline, without his prior permission, he decided to take legal action against the automobile company. In a press conference later in the evening, his lawyer announced that they’ve filed a copyright violation case against Volkswagen India.

A signboard outside one of the repair shops of Nitin Das

Eyewitnesses report that Mr. Das was seen shouting “Ee na cholbe ee na cholbe” from his balcony, a popular bengali war cry from the superhit movie Tiranga. “I have never seen Nitin da like this”, says their neighbor Chobi Biswas “He even removed his t-shirt and waved it while shouting slogans against Bolksbhagen”.

Volkswagen, in a curt reply to the whole fiasco, has said that it was investigating the ‘alleged’ copyright violations. It is also speculated that they have hired experts from Max Muller Bhawan, Kolkata to draft an explanation of the tagline.

Mr. Das has however demanded an unconditional apology and has asked for immediate removal of all Volkswagen advertisements across all the mediums. Though judging from the fact that Volkswagen has already spent a mammoth amount on the recent advertisement campaign, which includes hefty coverage in the Crimes of India, a compromise cannot be ruled out.

The tagline “Das Auto” was introduced in 2007, replacing "Aus Liebe zum Automobil" ("For the Love of the Automobile"), whereas Nitin Das has been using “Das Auto” since 1987.

Lawyer K.C. Chaudhary who is handling Mr. Das’s case, has said that they are not averse to an out-of-court settlement. This settlement is supposed to include exclusive servicing rights for Volkswagen’s cars to be given to Das Auto.

“But future course of action will depend on Volkswagen’s reply.” Mr. Chaudhary says, adding that an apology was a must.

The issue has now got a political flavor with the CPM calling a Bengal Bandh on the 31st of November to support Nitin Das against.

It is yet to be seen whether Mr. Das’s perseverance can force an international automobile giant to bend, but this brave move has gained Mr. Das a lot of respect. His neighbors are pouring in with eggrolls and fish curry to show their support and his business is on a roll too, much to the chagrin of his competitors.

“What’s in a name”, Shakespeare once wrote. Nitin Das might soon find out.

(written by a very lonely person called Tantanoo)

Nations agree to cut down on global fart for a better tomorrow

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:44:42 +0000

Copenhagen, Denmark. With just about four days to go before the United Nations Climate Change Conference begins at the Bella Center here, a major breakthrough has been achieved with the top nations of the world agreeing in principle to cut down on global fart for a healthier and cleaner world. A joint-statement at the end of the Copenhagen summit on 18^th December will detail out the steps that ought to be taken for this purpose.

“No, it’s not the cow farts that we are talking here; It’s the fart created by human beings that we realize has to be controlled for the sake of our climate, economy and our overall well-being.” Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) clarified, adding, “Global warming is a very real threat, but global fart too has been increasingly becoming unbearable. We have received a lot of complaints from professionals and younger generation and we deem that the threat is real.”

Mr. Pachauri further informed that a “Global Fart Index” would be maintained by the IPCC to measure and monitor the level of global fart created by different societies, based upon which the nations would be asked to curb their fart creating activities on a regular basis. Pachauri refused to divulge further details and asked the journalists to wait till 18^th December for the joint-statement, but the news has set off a barrage of speculations.

Corporate meeting for taking business decisions are often accused of creating global fart

“I guess the steps (to curb global fart) will impact both the public as well as the private sector. The worst hit could be the consulting companies across the world. In India, I believe the government will have to go slow on creating more IIMs and the frequency of corporate meetings would also need to go down. I’m sure these factors would be accounted for in the Global Fart Index.” Ankit Padnis, a green consultant said.

Experts believe that the number of conferences and summits on various international issues like climate change, human rights, poverty alleviation, nuclear disarmament, economic recovery, etc. could drastically go down in order to cut down global fart. Experts also believe that a market could emerge around the global fart activities on the lines of the carbon credit emission markets.

“It would be ironic that an attempt to cut down on global fart could actually temporarily increase the activities adding to it. I can foresee financial instruments like Fart Futures and Options up for trading in emission markets. I just hope there is no Global Fart Crisis due to defaults on these instruments.” Padnis said.

While experts are busy debating the possibilities, common people have received the news with unmatched enthusiasm. People hope that they would get to breathe in a cleaner environment and have a clearer picture of most of the things around them once the nations take effective steps to cut down global fart.

“My life can become far better if I get lesser fart and more substance, but not shit mind you, from my boss and our government. I just hope this thing is for real and not just a global fart as well.” Vijay Godyal, Global Business Manager in HCL hoped, as he rushed back to finish a report, to be submitted to his boss by tomorrow morning, on consumer behavior of unemployed housewives while playing computer games.

RBI scraps one rupee coin in exchange for Cadbury’s Éclair

Khamba — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:15:09 +0000

New Delhi. The Reserve Bank of India has announced scrapping the production of the one-rupee coins and replacing it with Cadbury’s Éclair toffees instead. Speaking a day after announcing the GDP figures of the 2nd quarter of 2009, RBI Governor D Subbarao stated that he had been mulling this change since quite a few years; however the global recession had provided the perfect time to initiate this change as citizens see each step as a positive step towards economic recovery.

Talking to reporters Subbarao said “Ever since I can remember – people have stopped using the one-rupee coin and small businesses across the country have been giving people toffees instead of actual change. We had to wake up to the reality that no one cares about the one-rupee coin anymore – not small businesses, not coin collectors, not even beggars! When was the last time a beggar actually accepted a one-rupee coin, and why should he? At least with toffees, underprivileged people can provide their children some form of nutrition.”

RBI has notified that a toffee broken into two parts won’t be two 50 paisa coins

Since the announcement – Cadbury’s global stock prices have jumped dramatically – leaving companies like Kraft, which had launched a hostile takeover bid recently, running for cover. Cadbury CEO Bharat Puri welcomed the announcement, “We at Cadbury are very excited to have the Éclair as the official replacement for the one-rupee coin. We believe it is an act of common sense given that the production cost of the Éclair is much lower than the actual one-rupee coin. Besides it is lighter on the pocket and has nutritional value unlike the regular coin, which has been unfortunately getting swallowed by our children for a long time now.”

Common people have welcomed the step as they can now rightfully give back the toffees their shopkeepers had handed out to them to pay for other stuff they actually want to consume. In fact, by the evening, most of the grocery stores and FMCG stores in the country were brimming with toffees.

Some however were not so pleased. Amol Sharma of the ISB (Indian School of Beggars) expressed his disappointment at the change. “Our entire curriculum since the past few decades has evolved around our students asking for spare change. Now with this action, all that we will have is decayed teeth.” According to reports, ISB students could demonstrate in front of the RBI tomorrow opposing the proposed move with placards reading “no worms in our wallet”.

McKinsey proposes FART framework to tackle employee unrest

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:25:20 +0000

Mumbai. McKinsey and Company, the global leaders in management consultancy services, have proposed a new framework for companies dealing with employee unrest arising out of unfriendly and unpopular business decisions. The framework, published in the visitor edition of The McKinsey Quarterly, advocates a four-pronged strategy called FART to deal with the dissatisfaction among employees if and when they fail to appreciate prudent business decisions like cost-cutting measures.

FART stands for Feed, Affect, Relegate, and Terminate – four different approaches that a company should take based on mix of two parameters – existing ‘Employee Mindset’ and the ‘Cash Status’ of the company. The McKinsey Quarterly report elaborates each of these four approaches of the FART framework with several exhibits to back up the study.

The visual representation of the framework has been called McFart, but this could potentially cause a legal battle over copyright between McKinsey and McDonalds

“If the company has a bit of cash and the employees’ mindset is still to turn hostile, the company should ‘feed’ the employees to stop them from turning hostile. The best way to ‘feed’ is to give some freebies like season gifts, personalized cakes on birthdays, shopping coupons, free pizzas during working hours, etc.” the report explained the ‘feed’ approach of the FART framework.

In case employees’ mood has turned a bit hostile and some of them are demanding explanations about issues such as scrapping of bonuses and other benefits, the FART framework suggests ‘affect’ approach for companies with surplus cash. ‘Affect’ approach requires the company to affect i.e. pretend taking some proactive steps for employee welfare.

“The company could initiate a pretentious performance appraisal process to quell the employee unrest. Other steps could involve sending the employees a feedback form, or inviting employees for a one-to-one interview with HR executives, etc. Such steps mollify the hostile mood of the employees, giving them a hope about future, but these steps should be taken only when the company has some cash to meet the expenses associated with these affected steps.” the report elaborated.

If a company doesn’t enjoy the luxury of surplus cash and is running into losses, the FART framework advocates ‘relegate’ approach, but only if the employees are in a friendly mindset, which is rare in normal course. The approach involves taking steps like lowering the compensation packages and demoting the employees. The report describes the ‘relegate’ approach as being a transient approach as it usually ends up changing the employee mindset from friendly to hostile, leaving the company to adopt the forth and the final approach – terminate.

“If the company is running into losses and employees have turned hostile, the best approach is to ‘terminate’ i.e. fire the employees.” the report concluded the FART framework, which has been well received by various HR professionals across companies.

Bollywood actresses come together to fight smelly armpits

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:45:01 +0000

Mumbai. Nearly a week after extending their support to ‘Shave India Movement’, Bollywood actresses Minissha Lamba, Neha Dhupia and Mugdha Godse have come together again to support ‘Spray India Movement’ under the aegis of ‘Women Against Stinking Armpits’ (W.A.S.A). These women aim to mobilize like thinking women across India to pressurize men into using deodorant sprays of a particular brand (Old Spice) to help India smell better.

Proctor & Gamble, which owns the Old Spice brand, has decided to support this movement as part of their corporate social responsibility activities, and have announced 8.273% huge reduction in the prices of Old Spice deodorant sprays. The company believes that post this price cut, men can no longer come up with excuses of rising inflation for their smelly armpits.

These actresses hope that they can push men into smelling better

“We are very grateful to P&G. Without their support this movement might have lost its way and steam. Women across the country will no longer put up with lazy, unhygienic and unclean behavior and lifestyle of men. I hope more and more companies like P&G realize their corporate social responsibilities, and they can always bank upon us to support their noble causes.” Neha Dhupia said.

The message that W.A.S.A intends to spread to men through ‘Spray India Movement’ across the country is three-fold:

Till men don’t spray, women will not co-operate with them.
Now that Old Spice is available at reduced price, there are no more excuses to not be spraying.
If men don’t spray, they shouldn’t expect women to groom themselves either.

Actress Minissha Lamba gave the much needed rhetorical push to the movement by terming the armpits of unclean men as being Acid Factory. She claimed that she would never care for a man who didn’t care to spray Old Spice deodorant. Mugdha Godse nodded her head vigorously as Minissha spoke, extending her unconditional support to the movement. The three actresses then posed for photographs.

Sonali Dhawan, Associate Director, P&G Beauty & Grooming, P&G India justified the company’s support of the movement, “Our company had conducted a market survey last year and we found out that men were simply not buying enough grooming products, despite many brands, especially our rival’s, claiming that women would start running towards them if they used the products. We decided to reverse the message i.e. women would start running away from you if you didn’t use the products. That’s how W.A.S.A was born. We’d do our best to support this movement and make India aromatic.”

W.A.S.A would soon be launching a series of campaigns, all supported by P&G, to propagate the message that women hate smelly men.

Next Tata Group Head to be decided through a television reality show

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:52:38 +0000

Mumbai. Announcing a paradigm shift in the way successors are chosen in corporate houses, Tata Group has announced that they would conduct a television reality show to select the candidate who will succeed Ratan Tata, the 72-year old chairman of the $71-billion conglomerate. The step is believed to take media as well as management to a never-seen-before spiritual level causing the citizens of the country to forget all their problems.

“As a socially responsible group, we have always cared for what the society wants, and we realized that people were bored with shows like Bigg Boss and Pati, Patni Aur Woh, and had no enthusiasm about the upcoming Rahul Mahajan’s swayamwar. We could sense the need and we decided to cater to it by thinking this new reality show that would also allow us to get our new leader.” a Tata Group spokesperson said.

Ratan Tata is expected to say tata to his group and make way for a new head

The exact format of the show is being finalized while bids have been invited from interested broadcasters to win television rights for the show. But broadly, the show would aim to judge the participants on various qualities needed to run a large group like Tata.

According to well placed insiders in the company, the reality show would have Nano Round where participants would be pitched against a high-pitched belligerent woman and asked to mollify her by all means. There would also be a Lashkar-e-Tata round testing disaster management skills of the participants, and an OkTataByeBye round that will bring out the funnier aspects of the participants.

The final three participants will be interviewed by Ratan Tata and a Group Head will be finally selected. Common men and women, who are expected to be glued to television sets during the broadcast of the show, can also participate in the process by sending SMS at 8282 (TATA on your mobile) at a special rate of 10 rupees per SMS throughout the show.

The show would be shot and produced in Mumbai in all probabilities, but the language of the show would be either Hindi or English, with occasional sprinkling of Bengali and Dutch (in chorus). Sensing the risk that absence of Marathi from the show could attract attacks from certain groups, Tata Group has decided that a participant will be allowed inside the show only after he/she obtains a minimum grade in TOMFOOL.

TOMFOOL stands for Test Of Marathi For Only Official Language and will be conducted on the lines of TOEFL to ascertain if a non-native speaker of Marathi deserves a job or even a stay inside Maharashtra. It would be conducted by the leading test conducting agency MNS (Merit Nitpicking Services). Tata Group Head would have an office inside Maharashtra in Mumbai.

Experts have welcomed this innovative step of Tata. Hari Sadu, an HR expert said, “Normally big companies spend big money on head hunting for top jobs, but Tata Group has changed the rules of the game altogether. They would actually be making money in the process (through selling television rights and sharing revenues with MNS and SMS services). I guess more and more companies would follow suit. It calls for a case study at top business schools.”

Infosys employee feels liberated after having Maggi at midnight

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:30:52 +0000

Hyderabad. Chandrasekhar Murthy, a programmer with Infosys Technologies Limited, felt relieved and liberated after he cooked Maggi for himself in the middle of the night yesterday. Chandru, as he is affectionately called by his friends, had returned home after finishing a 14-hours shift in the office and was too exhausted to cook anything else. As he was about to eat the noodles, the aroma in the rising vapors made him recall the hostel days of his engineering college, and he felt a free soul again.

“I took out Maggi in a plate and came out in the balcony with a chair. As I sat down with the plate in my lap, somehow I suddenly felt as if I was sitting outside the café of my engineering college. Maggi at midnight with friends used to be a routine and life was so different. For the next few moments I felt young and carefree again. It was veritably a freedom at midnight for me.” Chandru recounted his exhilarating experience of last midnight.

Food for thought?

But that momentary taste of freedom compelled Chandru to believe that he had been a slave on all the other occasions all through the days of his employment. He felt a strong repulsion and abomination when he was getting ready for the office today morning. The 25-year-old felt like a two-minute rebel.

“I almost hated the idea of going to office. I can’t log into my facebook or orkut accounts there and I can’t chat with my friends. They even banned cellphones with rich features inside the office premises. So forget internet, I can’t even see those beautiful pictures and videos of my golden days to relive those golden moments. I don’t know if a Maggi tonight will help again.” Chandru wondered.

After a lot of intense introspection, Chandru decided to fuck it all and resign from the job. He even typed a resignation letter and proceeded to attend his last day in the office. But the moment he got in his Swift Dezire (car), which he had bought just last month on loan, he was swiftly reminded of the next pending EMI payment. His desire to say bye-bye to his salary got a huge setback.

“I crumpled my resignation letter and used it to remove some dirt off the windscreen. I could see the way ahead very clearly. My boss was waiting for me to give me an awful feedback, even though I had met all the deadlines and delivered on what was asked in the projects.” Chandru said rather disappointedly.

Chandru has been thinking of ways to recreate the Maggi magic since today morning and wondered if he could go on a break with some of his fiends. He was disappointed as his office friends rejected the idea as they feared that numbers of leaves will adversely affect their performance appraisals.

“I can very well understand now why Nandan Nilekani left Infosys to join a government job.” Chandru reportedly said to himself.

Google dumps Google Wave, to launch applications for terrorists

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:30:50 +0000

California, USA. In wake of waves of terrorist attacks in Pakistan, Afghanistan and now Iran, Google Inc., the leading company in the virtual world, has decided to shelve the development of Google Wave, and instead announced its intentions to launch various applications for terrorist groups. These applications range from search engines to find possible terror targets to a social networking website exclusively for terrorists. The move is seen to exploit the trend of growing numbers of terrorists, especially tech savvy terrorists, around the world.

“Terrorism is here to stay. We might run out of doctors and pastors, but we would always find terrorists around. It has a global appeal and almost every community aspires to have their own terrorists. It’s a growing market, unless aliens or communists get back to earth.” Google co-founder Larry Page told Faking News.

People around the world, especially software developers, were shocked by Google’s decision as they thought that the company would go full throttle over the development of Google Wave, which is being touted as the next big thing in the online world. There was no clarity if the special invites sent out to various people to test and develop Google Wave will be revoked. But various terrorists around the world received special invites to test and develop the new applications.

An artist’s impression of Google BlownUp

One of the applications to be released has been named as “Google BlownUp”. The application, currently in the pre-Alpha stage, allows a terrorist to draw 3-D models of target buildings and find the right places and strategy to blow them up. The application simulates the actual impact of explosives used and returns the estimated number of casualties. Terrorists are quite excited over the prospects.

“This is a wonderful step by Google. We were planning to blow up their servers but we might spare them for this noble deed. Thanks to them, we would be able to carry on our operations much more effectively once these applications are launched. I just can’t wait till they release the Beta version.” Tehreek-e-Taliban chief Hakimullah Mehsud shared his excitement with us through an email, where he also attached an edited Wikimapia image showing shrunk international borders of India.

Realizing that India could be one of the most lucrative markets for its new applications, Google has reportedly added some India specific features in its applications such as quick links to Human Rights groups and RSS feeds for getting latest information on breaking news by various news channels. The applications could well be open-source, as was originally planned for Google Wave, which would allow terrorists to develop custom made add-ons to their benefit.

Currently Google is expecting to earn revenue through advertising, which traditionally has been their major source of revenue. Our sources confirm that many USA based companies dealing in arms and defense technologies, including the government owned ones, have already pledged millions of dollars of advertisement to Google for these terrorist applications.

Sources further inform that later Google could introduce higher levels of services and make them available on paid basis in future. Such services could include search for potential recruits among non-terrorist user base and access to various security agencies’ database. Terrorists would also be able to search for and network with political advocates and religious leaders through the planned terror-networking site, which could be called Vishphut.

Governments and security agencies around the world are currently tight lipped about the development and are refusing to comment.

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:30:02 +0000

New Delhi. In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her

“Where the fuck is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.