Faking News » Celebrities

Man with over 500 pictures of Kim Kardashian finally learns to pronounce her name

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:00:26 +0000

New Delhi. 25-year-old Ricky Bahl, who has a hobby of collecting high resolution pictures and wallpapers of various ladies, has finally learned how to pronounce “Kim Kardashian” – the name of the famous American actress, model and sex-tape leaker. It’s not yet clear why Ricky took the pain to know the right pronunciation of the name, especially the surname, as it is not required by any software to open or edit the pictures and videos of Kim Kardashian.

“He was happy with those 500 odd pictures, video clips, and the sex-tape of Kim on his laptop hard drive, and used to relieve himself when under pressure,” Rohit, a close friend of Ricky and a frequent borrower of .3gp and .avi files from him, told Faking News. Rohit referred to Kim Kardashian as only “Kim” throughout the interview.

One of the pictures that were found on the hard drive of Ricky Bahl

“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” Rohit angrily said when this reporter asked him whether he knew how to pronounce the surname of the American model, whose Facebook fan page received maximum comments – like ‘hi sexy, when u come 2 India’ – from him and Ricky. Both of them also follow her on Twitter.

On the other hand, Ricky Bahl was reported to be flaunting his new acquired knowledge to all his friends as he tutored at least seven other guys on how to make a difference between Kim Sharma and Kim Kardashian while speaking.

Ricky refused to disclose why he decided to learn the pronunciation, but he categorically declined that it was result of any security threat e.g. a virus that stopped him from accessing his “Hot Babes” folder in D Drive unless he pronounced the name of the enclosed files correctly.

However sources confirm that Ricky was forced to take this step after he was widely ridiculed by some of his female friends for pronouncing Kardashian and “Kadarshiyaan” for the second time in the last one week.

Sources further inform that when he was ridiculed for the first time, Ricky did go back to his room and tried to Google for “Kim Kardashian Pronunciation”, however he lost his way as Google auto-complete suggestions led him to search for “Kim Kardashian Pregnant”.

Ricky, also a keen follower of English music, now aims to find out if Lady Gaga is a man and whether Justin Bieber is his sister.

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Sidhu denies he was laughing like crazy after watching video of Pawar being slapped

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:00:52 +0000

Amritsar. Former cricketer and BJP MP Navjot Singh Sidhu has denied reports that he was laughing like crazy after watching the video clip of Sharad Pawar getting slapped by a certain Harvinder Singh. Sidhu, who is known for endless laughter, was heard having a guffaw by his neighbors while allegedly watching a news channel. His neighbors claim that it was the news of Pawar being slapped that was on-air at the time Sidhu broke into an unbridled laughter.

“Whenever Sidhu paaji paused to breathe air, I could hear sounds of someone being slapped repeatedly. I think some news channel had amplified the sound and was showing the video clip in loop,” Surinder Khanna, one of the neighbors of Sidhu told Faking News.

Siddhu, allegedly after watching Sharad Pawar being slapped.

“He even screamed ‘wo maara paapad waale ko’ once,” Surinder claimed.

Sidhu is the second public figure after Anna Hazare who has been reported to have been amused by the attack on Pawar. However, Sidhu denies the charges.

“You don’t claim to have seen a snake after touching a rope my friend!” Sidhu staunchly defended himself, “You may trust your ear, but what about god’s fear?”

Later, speaking in a normal language, Sidhu claimed that he was rehearsing for some TV show and it was just a happenstance that Pawar slapping video was being played on some news channel at the same time.

However, the allegations by Sidhu’s neighbors have taken a political turn with Congress leader Digvijay Singh using it as a proof to claim that BJP and RSS members were behind the recent attack on politicians.

“Sidhu himself is known to have assaulted a person who later died. This is BJP and RSS culture to beat up people,” Digvijay Singh claimed, “I think there is RSS hand on, I mean behind, Pawar’s slapping.”

While both BJP and Congress have defended their vocal leaders, the common man has decided to stick to watching videos of Sharad Pawar being slapped without worrying about how the society might be getting intolerant.

“Pencho! We read news about honor killings and road rage killings each second day, then no intellectual appears so disturbed about the future of our society. And here is a non-injurious slap and they are preaching tolerance! F@$k it! I’m going to remix the Pawar slapping video with Sidhu’s and Rahul Mahajan’s laughter audio!” an angry citizen said.

Amitabh Bachchan sells ICICI child future plan to Abhishek Bachchan

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 07:45:16 +0000

Mumbai. Amitabh Bachchan, who has been educating the aam aadmi about the importance of securing one’s family’s future through insurance plans, successfully sold such a plan to his son Abhishek Bachchan earlier today after Abhishek became a dad. The child plan, total value of which has not been disclosed, will make sure that the girl child of Abhishek and Aishwarya will grow up and become what she truly desires, ICICI sources claim.

“What if she wants to become a chess player or an astronaut?” Big B is supposed to have asked Abhishek, who though his daughter will become a successful Bollywood actress.

Amitabh and Abhishek celebrating the arrival of a baby girl in the family

“With Katrina ruling the roost, and actresses like Nargis Fakhri getting a break, Bollywood is getting increasingly trickier. They are no longer looking for Indian born beauty pageant winners. Just think about it,” Senior Bachchan advised his son, following which Abhishek asked his dad for help after he failed to get any innovative idea to solve this problem.

Amitabh Bachchan is reported to have sold a premium plan for child’s education and future to his son at this point of time. No one from the family or ICICI was willing to comment over the value of the plan, but sources say it covers all costs of professional grooming for the newly born girl, and secures her against any possible risk, even astrological.

“The girl’s future is secure with us,” an ICICI official claimed, “I just tuned in to India TV and they had made a kundli of Aishwarya’s baby assuming the time of birth to be the same when Abhishek had tweeted the news. They claim the girl could be maanglik and advice the parents to eat grass on all Mondays after taking bath with goat milk. But Abhishek-Aishwarya don’t need to worry or do anything of that sort. Hum hain na!”

Faking News’ attempts to contact the newly born baby girl to get a comment failed.

Mallya announces austerity drive, Deepika will travel in Gareeb Rath

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 09:07:21 +0000

Bengaluru. Chairman of Kingfisher Airlines, Vijay Mallya has announced an “austerity drive” for his family and the whole group after Fly Kingfisher had to cancel various flights due to liquidity crunch. The drive, clearly inspired from a similar drive undertaken by the UPA government a couple of years back, will go live next week and is aimed at saving money to pay for air traffic fuel and taxes.

“We will be spending less money and shaping up our figures,” Siddharth Mallya, son of Vijay Mallya announced in a press conference. Siddharth has been given the charge of leading and implementing the austerity drive as earlier he had successfully shaped up his own figure.

Vijay Mallya reacts to a question if he could sell off his stake in Force India or Royal Challengers Bangalore to meet the expenses of Fly Kingfisher

As part of the austerity drive, the Mallya family will live a very frugal life and will cut down on all expenses e.g. no member of the family will take part in any auction to buy used underwear of Michael Jackson.

Junior Mallya also announced that he and his actress girlfriend Deepika Padukone will travel from Bangalore to Jagannath Puri in Gareeb Rath, a low-cost air-conditioned train by Indian Railways, next week and seek bailout divine blessings from god.

“We will come back in Gareeb Rath as well,” Siddharth informed, “And in future, we will always travel in trains – traveling in unreserved compartments and Mumbai local like Rahul Gandhi.”

Deepika was not with Siddharth Mallya in the press conference, but family sources indicate that the Bollywood actress agreed to take part in the austerity drive after much persuasion. At one point of time, Deepika is reported to have shown Siddharth the “missed calls” list on her mobile that had names of Ranbir Kapoor and Yuvraj Singh.

“Siddharth panicked for a minute, but he recalled being on India’s Most Desirable and regained his composure,” a family source revealed.

Unconfirmed reports say that Deepika agreed to take part in this what she called “government like drama” only after she was promised ownership of 12 flats in the upcoming Millionaires’ Paradise in Bangalore – a super-luxury apartment complex being built on Vijay Mallya’s ancestral land that will house only millionaires.

“Dr. Mallya is quite serious about such ongoing and unfinished projects that must not stop due to Fly Kingfisher crisis,” a source in the UB group told Faking News.

Yana Gupta, the in-flight safety instructor on Kingfisher flights, has been made the brand ambassador of the austerity drive as she had earlier cut down on her underwear expenses; something that experts now believe was forewarning of the mess Fly Kingfisher has now got into.

The austerity drive will go live next Monday after a grand launch party organized by the Mallyas to celebrate their new found way of life. Suhel Seth will be live tweeting the events, sources say.

KRK refuses to play G.One in Bhojpuri remake of Ra.One

Mahapurush Mahatma — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:29:48 +0000

Mumbai. SRK’s big time rival and ‘Deshdrohi’ star Kamaal Rashid Khan, also known as KRK, has turned down the offer to play G.One.wa in the Bhojpuri remake of Ra.One titled Ra.One.wa. In an exclusive interview to Mahua TV, the budding superstar confirmed that he was indeed asked by Lal Mirchi Productions to play the lead in Ra.One.wa, which he refused without thinking twice.

“I have better things to do with my life,” was what the actor had to say.

KRK gestures during the interview

When Chatur Chintu of Faking News caught up with the actor in his personal gym, the actor gave an insight into why he did so.

“You see, I have a big reputation. My fans expect the best by me. From real fight scenes in ‘Deshdrohi’ to my appearance in Bigg Boss, I have always maintained standards. Ra.One is not my types. SRK went for overkill with promotions. I don’t go for overkill, I simply kill,” KRK said, and asked us not to correct the grammar.

KRK further claimed that he had given away his Ra.One premier pass, apparently handed out to him personally by SRK, to his doodhwala (milkman) in Switzerland.

“He hates me now,” KRK claimed, “The only part he enjoyed was Rajini’s cameo and he silently prayed that Ra.One’s reels got replaced by that of Robot’s. But only KRK can do that, so it did not happen.”

When our correspondent informed him that there were talks to rope in his favorite co-star Gracy Singh in Ra.One.wa, KRK replied, “Ghanta!”

KRK’s refusal is the second bad news for Red Chillies Productions after industry experts declared that Ra.One had failed to match opening day collections of Salman Khan’s movie Bodyguard.

Meanwhile, reports from Hollywood suggest that the makers of Terminator are planning to sue Red Chillies for making a spoof of their movie without their prior consent. When Faking News asked SRK about this, he cracked some joke about four females and a gay male and laughed while the girls in the crowd cheered and wooed.

(submitted by Kunal Anand)

Ram Sene slap the bathtub in which Poonam Pandey filmed herself in shower

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 18:41:00 +0000

Mumbai. Upset with what they called vulgar display of pious act like bathing, Sri Ram Sene workers have slapped the bathtub in which non-stripping model Poonam Pandey had filmed herself having a shower. The assault on bathtub was carried out on Thursday afternoon by a three member team of Sri Ram Sene, apparently to teach a lesson to all bathtubs of India so that none of them ever indulges in such immoral acts.

“All of us watched the video in which Poonam Pandey was bathing without any soap and without taking her clothes off,” Pramod Pandey, local head of Sri Ram Sene told Faking News, “We watched the full video and we couldn’t find any soap coming in or any cloth going out. We were totally pissed off.”

The bathtub that got the bashing

Pramod informed that the rulebook of Sri Ram Sene makes it obligatory upon its members to slap or bash up the guilty party if something pisses them off. Initially it was proposed to slap Poonam Pandey herself, but Pramod and his friends realized that that bathing was not as immoral an act as drinking wine in a pub.

“We realized that it was not really her bathing, but the style of bathing that pissed us off,” Pramod clarified. After three hours of discussion with his friends, Pramod concluded that the bathtub was the guilty party.

“Bathtub is a western invention and it has played no role in the Indian freedom struggle,” Keshav Kolhapure, Pramod’s friend and the local head of Bhagat Singh Kranti Sena presented the logic, “It seems that Poonam was misguided by this bathtub and was pushed into performing this immoral act.”

After watching the video 50 times the whole last night, the pissed off trio barged into Poonam Pandey’s rented bathroom earlier this afternoon and slapped the bathtub with fists, shoes and belts. The bathtub developed a small crack and has been leaking water after the shocking assault.

“This shows the fascist tendencies of RSS that can’t tolerate even a bathtub,” Congress leader Digvijay Singh condemned the attack and offered his own bathroom to Poonam Pandey for recording future bathing videos.

BJP too has criticized the attack on Poonam Pandey’s bathtub and has suggested the model to go on a Bath Yatra to propagate her message of cleanliness.

However Poonam Pandey has rejected both the offers and has announced that she will settle for nothing less than a bathtub from Bigg Boss’ house. She also said that she was undeterred by such attacks and will soon launch a YouTube competitor – BathTube.

Shahrukh joins Facebook, to charge 500 rupees for posting birthday wishes on wall

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 10:25:24 +0000

Mumbai. Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan is all set to join Facebook after joining Twitter. However on Facebook, he is going to be more active and personal with his fans. King Khan is all set to send out personalized birthday wishes to his fans by posting messages like “Happy Birthday my sweetest friend” on their Facebook walls through a Facebook application.

But this is not going to be free for the fans; they will have to shell out some money to see SRK post some finest birthday wishes.

“Just 500 rupees,” informed Chanchal Pandey, the publicity agent of the Bollywood superstar, “Fans have to authorize an application named SRKsays and make a payment of 500 rupees through credit card, and their job is done. The application will find out their birthday as per their Facebook profile information and post a birthday message on their wall on behalf of Shahrukh.”

The application will post personalized and unique messages on the Facebook walls that will appear to have been posted personally by Shah Rukh Khan from his personal profile. A sample post could look something like this:

Shah Rukh Khan’s Facebook application wishes you a Happy Birthday

The application will also broadcast an update on the Facebook ticker that will read something like “Manish Kumar was just wished by Shah Rukh Khan on his birthday” so that other users are tempted to use the application as well.

When contacted by Faking News, King Khan confirmed the development and hoped to connect with his fans on Facebook on a daily basis. He also termed it as “democratization” of his celebrity status.

Shahrukh Khan dancing at a wedding party

“See, I have been taking part in weddings of the rich and powerful and acting as if those rich people were my personal friends. But the truth is I did that for money,” SRK candidly admitted, “Now if I can act like personal friends of the rich and the powerful, why should I deny the same rights to my fans who are not so rich and powerful?”

Shah Rukh claimed that 500 rupees that he was charging was a modest professional fee that his fans should pay for this “service”. In return, fans will get a memory that they can cherish for whole of their life.

“Their Facebook friends will be jealous, and they can frame the screenshots of the wall post to show it off to their non-Facebook friends,” SRK’s publicity manager explained.

Facebook experts believe that the latest campaign by Shah Rukh Khan is going to be a runaway success and he could earn substantially this way, more than what many other actors earn through box office collections. However some experts foresee trouble for SRK.

“Is this application going to be exclusively for Indian fans only? What if Facebook users from Pakistan are going to authorize this application? We could see another political controversy with parties like Shiv Sena opposing this move,” a Facebook expert warned.

Experts also foresee other celebrities, especially Salman Khan and Aamir Khan, joining Facebook to launch similar applications. While Salman’s application could give birthday bumps to users, experts believe that Aamir will wait till Facebook becomes perfect and launches its new Timeline for every user.

Unconfirmed sources suggest that model Poonam Pandey too could launch a Facebook application that will post her semi-nude pictures on walls of users for free.

Paris Hilton shocked to see pirated copies of her sex tape selling in Mumbai

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 12:55:39 +0000

Mumbai. On her maiden visit to India and to the city, socialite and international celebrity Paris Hilton was shocked to see pirated copied of her famous sex tape “1 Night in Paris” being sold at throwaway prices. Hilton has officially lodged a complaint with Maharashtra state government and has asked for immediate confiscation of all the pirated CDs and a suitable compensation for the financial losses incurred by her.

“She saw some copied being sold at Heera Panna shopping center at Haji Ali, where she had gone to pay tribute at the dargah,” informed a member of her entourage, “This blatant violation of ethical business practices came as a rude surprise to her, but she was shocked beyond belief when she realized that photos of some other Indian looking women were also pasted on the cover to attract attention of potential buyers.”

Internet traffic monitoring companies confirm that there has been a sudden increase in download frequency of Paris Hilton’s sex tape. Most downloads were sought from Indian IPs. The trend is believed to continue for the next few days till she is in India.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the local shopkeeper had pasted pictures of some Bollywood actresses on the VCD cover to make it “more attractive”. A local buyer of the tape, on conditions of anonymity, confirmed seeing the face of Rakhi Sawant on one of the pirated copies, though he vehemently denied having bought the VCD due to that “addition” by the seller.

“She realized that it was a great insult to her beauty and personality and she immediately called up the Home Minister of Maharashtra to lodge her complaint,” the personal secretary of Paris Hilton told Faking News.

Sources inform that RR Patil, the Home Minister of Maharashtra, initially tried to play down the incident by telling Hilton that “such small things keep happening in big cities”.

This infuriated Hilton, who threatened to take up the issue with Sharad Pawar, who is Patil’s boss and is rumored to be in negotiations with Hilton’s father to buy a substantial stake in Hilton Hotels.

Fearing the wrath of his boss, Patil cordially invited Hilton for a cup of coffee at his house to discuss the issue in detail. Unconfirmed sources suggest that Patil even ordered a copy to the VCD to understand the issue at hand.

The meeting between Patil and Hilton was going on at the time of this report being filed, but sources suggest that Hilton is seeking damages based on financial losses incurred due to sale of the pirated copies and a compensation for defamation for having her photo printed alongside Rakhi Sawant’s.

Meanwhile Faking News correspondent was beaten up by Hilton’s bodyguards early today when he asked the heiress if she was willing to release a brand new sex tape exclusively for her Indian fans.

IIPM appoints Poonam Pandey as their brand ambassador

Ankur Jain — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 12:25:18 +0000

Mumbai. A week after she announced that she “would not mind trying for the IIMs”, Poonam Pandey has already become a business school icon. IIPM, in a coup of sorts, has announced that the Kingfisher calendar girl and a cricketing icon, Poonam was the new brand ambassador of the Mecca of management education, IIPM, which is ahead of all IIMs in terms of global exposure.

An IIPM marketing staff, who did not want to be named, informed that IIPM was “delighted” at catching this rare fish for their brand ambassadorship, for she had all the qualities the institute desired.

“She keeps her promises, is subdued in her own promotion, and wants to provide great services to the common man of India. All the qualities that IIPM stands for and espouses!” he said, with a twinkle in his eyes.

IIPM is planning to put up this poster of Poonam Pandey, which is currently her Twitter background, in their prospectus. The move is aimed at attracting fresh admissions to their campuses all over India.

He further informed that the brand ambassadorship of Shah Rukh Khan, who currently endorses education at IIMs by conducting quizzes on the campuses, has been called off with immediate effect after some IIPM students at Bangalore accused the Bollywood superstar of misleading them.

“Hopefully, now no one will question the messages conveyed by Poonam. She is a perfect fit for the institute’s image. Just as she has kept her promises so far, IIPM has also kept all its promises,” the IIPM staff claimed.

When reminded by this correspondent that Miss Pandey had still not kept her promise made before the World Cup, the staff clarified, “She has been misquoted and that too out of context. She meant the Football World Cup, not the Cricket one. And yes, India has to defeat Brazil in the final. She wants our football team to be number one.”

“In fact, this is another area where her image is similar to ours. She too is often misunderstood, just as we are. One just has to look at our great advertising and our great campuses to see that we are not making false promises,” he added.

On being further probed, the IIPM’s marketing staff conceded that Shah Rukh Khan was asking for too much money for brand ambassadorship.

“Guess he was looking to fund his Ra.One promotion expenses through IIPM money,” he revealed, “In fact, he even asked Arindam Sir to endorse the movie as there was ‘one’ in the movie title. He wanted our magazines to rank Ra.One as number one movie. But we are against paid news.”

When asked how much was offered to Poonam Pandey, he declined to give a figure but hinted, “She might get a paid job to teach a course on ‘Business and Personal Ethics’. If she takes it up, she will get a Ph.D thesis on ‘Respectful treatment of Women in Media’ free with that.”

“Of course,” the IIPM staff said when asked if Poonam Pandey will also get a laptop and a chance to visit Paris.

IIM Indore students offer to strip if Poonam Pandey gets admission

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 15:57:33 +0000

Indore. Students at IIM here have offered to strip naked if Poonam Pandey, a kind of no more struggling model, successfully manages to get admission in their institute. Students made this offer after Poonam claimed that she “did not mind” trying for IIMs if she were to study further.

“We will all run naked all across the campus if she makes it,” said Pratik, a second year MBA student who had waited full three weeks for Poonam Pandey to strip after India won the cricket world cup earlier this year.

“Unlike her, we will keep our words,” Pratik added, and claimed that at least 25 other students from the b-school were ready to strip naked along with him to “celebrate” Poonam’s achievement.

Poonam Pandey had promised to remove even those bit of clothes if India won the cricket world cup

The students have already written a letter to the model, who has been randomly appearing in newspapers and on television ever after she filled the Indian youth with the hope of having a desi version of Larissa Riquelme, the Paraguayan lingerie model.

“Please don’t come up with excuses that you have studied only till 10+2 and hence are ineligible to get into IIMs,” the letter appealed to the model who wants to get into Bollywood, “Now you can get admission in IIM Indore straight after 10+2.”

Poonam Pandey was not available for comments but experts believe that model, who recently bought a Mercedes, may not try for IIMs at all.

“She is already refusing remunerations running into 2 crore rupees and she can buy plush cars; why would she need an IIM degree?” an expert argued and asked the IIM Indore students to drop their plans.

However students are in no mood to relent. They have decided to mail the complete admission form and a postage stamp paid self-addressed envelope to Poonam Pandey so that she goes ahead and tries for the IIMs.

“And please don’t dare to think beyond the IIMs, we believe in your abilities,” the letter by the students appealed to Poonam Pandey.

Bhajji sues Deepika for calling Siddharth Mallya “doosara”

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 05:56:21 +0000

Mumbai. After suing Vijay Mallya’s UB Group for making fun of him in a TV ad, Harbhajan Singh has sent a legal notice to Deepika Padukone, an unattached member of the Mallya family, for making fun of his cricketing talents by referring Siddharth Mallya as “doosara”. Doosara, or ‘the other one’, is the name given to the googly bowled by the Indian off-spinner and is considered to be his most deadly weapon.

“Bhajji was very hurt by the media reports about Siddharth Mallya being called ‘doosara’ by Deepika Padukone. This clearly shows an organized and concerted attempt by the alcoholic family to mock and malign the reputation of my client after showing him in a poor light in a television ad earlier,” Arindam Chopra, lawyer of the Indian off-spinner told Faking News.

Harbhajan Singh has asked his fans to put up such posters all around Vijay Mallya’s houses and offices to scare the shit out of the man who dared to mock him.

The legal notice sent to Deepika Padukone asks the Bollywood damsel to explain her choice of words while addressing her boyfriend. The notice charges Deepika with a malicious intent aimed at mocking Harbhajan Singh’s tried and tested cricketing trick by comparing it with Siddharth Mallya, who is yet to prove his effectiveness.

Bhajji’s lawyer informed that in absence of any credible explanation by Deepika Padukone, he would be forced to file a lawsuit against the actress, charging her with defamation and for causing mental harassment to the cricketer. Deepika has been given three weeks to draft her reply.

“It can’t be just another nickname given by a girlfriend to her beau,” Arindam claimed, “The word ‘doosara’ has a special significance and is synonymous with Harbhajan Singh. It’s like the word ‘behenji’, which is synonymous with Mayawati. Do you think any brother would address his elder sister as ‘behenji’ next month on Rakhi?”

With a confident and celebratory smirk, Arindam claims that Deepika will have “tough time” explaining her conduct.

“A doosara swings the other way than expected, so does she mean that Siddharth swings both ways?” Arindam threw a poser, “She can’t claim that doosara means ‘the second one’ in her dictionary. Then who is ‘the first one’? Ranbir Kappor? Court will not buy that argument as that doesn’t account for Yuvraaj Singh.”

Faking News tried to reach Deepika for a comment but her answering machine asked us to contact her on her ‘doosara’ number.

Simi Garewal to play vampire in the upcoming Twilight movie

Tantanoo — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 04:40:02 +0000

Mumbai. Rumor mills in Bollywood are abuzz with talks of Bollywood veteran Simi Garewal being cast in the upcoming Twilight movie – Breaking Dawn, Part 1. Simi, who recently became a trending topic on Twitter without going on a fast unto death to protest against seven signs of ageing, is said to be very secretive about the project and is playing it really close to her heart.

The closest Simi came to being a vampire was when she played a ‘vamp’ in Karz, the 1980 movie without the extra three z’s and starring Rishi Kapoor, not to be confused with the Himesh Reshammiya’s 2008 masterpiece.

It is also rumored that she will be playing the nanny to Renesmee, Bella and Edward’s child in the Twilight movie.

Simi Garewall just posed and refused to comment when asked to comment on the rumors

Popularly called the ‘Phantom of the Oprah’, Simi’s previous venture in Hollywood, Tarzan goes to India (1962), is considered by many to be a gamechanger in the history of world cinema. Though her recent television show ‘India’s Most Desirable’, a sequel of popular crime show ‘India’s Most Wanted’ has received a lukewarm response from the audience, Simi is all set to conquer old hearts again.

Faking News quizzed Deepika Padukone about this development and she was all praise for Simi: “Simi is a wonderful, glittering person. I think she has this vampirish aura about her – always dressed in whites and shining wherever she goes – that makes her fit for this role. I think this is the best thing to have happened to Bollywood after Hiss.”

Popular art films director Ram Gopal Varma however had a mixed opinion of the news: “I can’t tell the difference between her and a Madame Tussuad’s. If wax is what the Twilight makers want, I think Simi is the best choice.”

“I am happy for her,” says popular Simi Garewal lookalike Cyrus Sahukar, who is said to be elated about this news as more and more people are lining up for his autograph considering him to be Simi.

But apparently Twilight’s makers are not only impressed by Simi’s ‘deadly’ features but also her TOEFL score. Simi had a 119 on her TOEFL and is second only to Barack Obama when it comes to speaking in English for painstakingly lengthy durations. Several detergent and cement brands are now approaching Simi for endorsement of their products.

She is also slated to act in the Bollywood remake of ‘The Dark Knight’ titled ‘Mera Naam Bhi Joker’. To top it all, there is another rumor going in Hollywood that Simi is set to play the wife of legendary wizard Gandalf in the upcoming movie ‘The Hobbits’.

“Gandalf The White and Simi The White are going to be the most awesome wizarding couple in the history of Middle-Earth,” an LOTR fan gushes on a forum.

If these rumors are true, all the Middletons and Sherawats of the world, beware, Simi Garewal is slated to become not only India’s but World’s most desirable.

(reported by Tantanoo)

Indian army locates secret hideout of Himesh Reshammiya

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 17 May 2011 08:38:41 +0000

Mumbai. After full four years since he launched his lethal “Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee – The Real Luv Story” on unsuspecting and unarmed citizens, Indian army claims to have located the secret hideout of Himesh Reshammiya. Army could conduct a live raid anytime and capture the maverick artist along with his weapons of mass destruction stashed in his hideout, a defense ministry official confirmed to Faking News.

“Unlike the Osama operation by US, this will not be a kill-or-capture operation,” Tanu Malik, an under-secretary in Minister of Defense said, “Although he is wanted for his excesses on Indian citizens, we want to capture him alive and use him as a tool against the Pakistani military and terrorist establishment.”

A file photo of Himesh that has been issued by the Defense Ministry

As per the defense ministry plans, Himesh would be captured and made to sing “Ek baar aaja aajaa aaja aaja aa-aa-aa-aaja”, which will then be beamed into terror camps running in Pakistan with help of flying loudspeakers fitted with stealth technology. Ministry feels that the step could force the terrorists to cross over into India, after which they can be arrested or killed by the army.

Although there is no precedent of such an operation, ministry officials believe this will work.

“I don’t think we need any hi-fi operation like what US did in Abbottabad. In fact, US should have tried unleashing Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black on Osama and the operation would have been equally effective,” Malik said.

The hideout of Himesh is reported to be somewhere in Mumbai that doubles up as the headquarters of his recently formed organization HR Musik, which is not yet on the list of banned organizations by any government, though experts believe that the situation could change soon.

“Himesh is all set to make his debut in Hollywood; this could force the international community to take some pre-emptive steps,” an expert said.

Man claims to be original son of Vijay Mallya, lays claim on Deepika Padukone

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 08:31:04 +0000

Bangalore. Sandeep Makkar, a US citizen of Indian origin living in India, has claimed that he was the “original” son of Vijay Mallya, who got swapped with the current “fake” son Siddharth Mallya at a US hospital, where both of them were born in 1987. Sandeep has demanded a DNA test to prove his claims, and wants to “lawfully” date Deepika Padukone by virtue of being the original son of the senior Mallya.

“I got suspicious when I was detained by LAPD last year on charges of drunken driving,” Sandeep informs how he found out his “roots”, “Medical reports confirmed presence of beer in my blood, although very minuscule and inconclusive to prove that I was drunk. I was let go by the police but I was shocked as I had never consumed any alcoholic beverages in my life. The doctor told me that maybe my parents were heavy drinkers, but I knew that even my parents were teetotalers.”

Faced with such an acute existentialist paradox, Sandeep decided to get to the root of the problem and found out that he was not the biological son of his parents, an Indian couple who migrated to US in 1986 and conceived their first child (who is in fact Siddharth Mallya according to Sandeep) in order to get a US citizenship.

“I always knew there was some problem as I had strong urges to gulp down a mug of beer each time my friends in college did that,” Sandeep told Faking News.

Sandeep claims Deepika is with the wrong guy

Sandeep claims that he and Siddharth Mallya were swapped by nurses working in a maternity hospital in Los Angeles, who were most probably befuddled after watching The Bold and the Beautiful, a soap opera that had premiered just a couple of weeks before his and Siddharth Mallya’s birth.

“One can check hospital records and TV schedules, and if there is still any doubt, I am ready for a DNA test,” he added.

“This solves so many problems and dilemmas of my life,” Sandeep said referring to him being the alleged original son of Vijay Mallya, and demanded that Deepika Padukone stopped dating the “fake” Junior Mallya, who was in fact “Siddharth Makkar”.

Sandeep denies that there was anything illegitimate or chauvinistic about him laying a claim over Deepika.

“Ask her if she would want to hang out with someone name Sandeep Mallya or Siddharth Makkar, and you’d get the answer,” he said.

Sandeep has warned that if Vijay Mallya and Deepika Padukone didn’t give him his “birthright”, he would file cases against them in an Indian as well as US court to “get his due”.

When contacted to comment, the office of Vijay Mallya gave Faking News twenty crates of chilled beer for free, and claimed that Sandeep Makkar was just a pissed-off fan of Deepika Padukone. After three mugs, we found that Sandeep was fraud.

Arindam Chaudhuri launches political party, to contest Bengal elections

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 16:00:23 +0000

Kolkata. Sick of his criticism of economic, social, and other policies falling on the deaf ears of the political class, management guru Arindam Chaudhuri has decided to join politics and change the face of India forever. He has announced formation of a political party called Intelligent Indian Political Movement (IIPM), which would be fielding candidates on each and every seat in the upcoming West Bengal assembly elections.

“Dare to think beyond Didi, Dada or Buddha!” the charismatic leader gave his trademark call for change to the people of West Bengal in a press conference early today, “Give a chance to IIPM; we are already number one in terms of fielding the number of candidates.”

The election symbol, not yet approved by Election Commission of India, of IIPM has been chosen as a “Pony”. Prof. Chaudhuri claimed that it was modeled on the “Donkey” symbol of the Democratic Party of USA and rejected any other symbolism whatsoever.

To begin with, IIPM has got only a national president in Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri, who called on enterprising and upright citizens of India to join him and strengthen the party structure. Prof. Chaudhuri gave a “free” manifesto of the party on the occasion and informed that IIPM was looking for eligible candidates for the elections.

“The selected candidates would get a free laptop and would get to visit the campus of Harvard Kennedy School of Government,” Prof. Chaudhuri declared and accused other political parties like the DMK in Tamil Nadu, which had recently announced free laptops for voters, of copying his style of working.

“At IIPM, we have always practiced today what others follow tomorrow,” Prof. Chaudhuri reiterated, though rejected any possibility of IIPM fielding candidates in the upcoming Tamil Nadu elections, “Our current focus is West Bengal, but we would surely open our branches in other states of India once we form the government in West Bengal.”

In its manifesto, IIPM has promised to turn West Bengal into “number one” state in India on some parameter that would be disclosed later.

“Our talks are in the final stages,” Prof. Chaudhuri responded when a journalist asked if Shah Rukh Khan would be invited to campaign for his party.

When Faking News asked if IIPM was recognized by the Election Commission of India, Prof. Chaudhuri said that he would select a Chief Minister after the election results were announced.

Twenty thousand claim N D Tiwari as a common ancestor

Simon — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 09:06:14 +0000

Kanpur. 31-year-old Rohit Shekhar, who claims to be N D Tiwari’s illegitimate son, is not alone, Faking News can reveal. A group calling itself the “Children of Tiwari” has emerged in Uttar Pradesh and is claiming a common ancestor in the veteran politician and lady’s man.

The community’s leader, Ashok Khanna, 46, from Kashipur, Uttarkhand, led the group on a protest march through Kanpur yesterday.

“We are all children of Tiwari,” he shouted to the twenty thousand strong group,” and we demand mass paternity tests,” waving a blood sample in the air. The group is demanding reserved jobs within the Congress party structure as their “fundamental and historical right”.

A file photo showing ND Tiwari in a press conference, trying to listen to a question that was not related to his sexual escapades

“Our common origin is beyond doubt,” said Vikram Biwas, 31 from Lucknow, “My mother told me that my father was a powerful man with money, who could not be contained by one woman… well, she uses different words which I won’t repeat here, but Tiwariji must be our father.”

The community is diverse. Young Anand, just 3 years old, from Hyderabad, was brought to the rally by his “step father”. “He is a child of Tiwari,” said his father, “he is nothing like me; he doesn’t have my genes, no child of mine would wet the bed so much. Tiwariji must provide for him.”

Nirupma from Haldwani is also demanding a Congress job, despite the fact that she is 79. Faking News wondered how the then 6-year-old Tiwari could possibly have fathered her, but was informed that he was a “quick learner”.

An anthropologist observing the group claims that some youths are busy tracing their lineage back to Tiwari and taking on Tiwari-esque lifestyle practices, such as wearing a white hat to “symbolize potency” and the ceremonial consumption of Viagra.

When contacted, a spokesman for N D Tiwari denied the group’s claims, pointing out that all Tiwari’s sexual acts are video-taped and are therefore available with an RTI claim.

Demographic experts point out that if the 85-year-old politician is indeed the common father, he would have fathered one child every 1.5597 days – a rare production rate normally associated with rodents and Silvio Berlusconi.

“If these guys are telling the truth, Tiwariji might be the most successful alpha male in the Indian history, and just second to Genghis Khan in the world,” Pratik Inamdar, an historian informed, “We estimate that his genes will be present on Mars/Antarctica/Amazonian tribes within 100 years.”

Six special celebrity lookalikes spotted by Faking News

Jurno Least — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 13:50:25 +0000

There have been many instances celebrity lookalikes, often giving rise to rumors of the concerned celebrities being related to each other in some way. Faking News too found six such instances, but we are not commenting on the “relationship” enjoyed by these celebrities with each other, who come from varied backgrounds such as movies, music, magic, cricket, comics and politics:

Betaal and Christina Aguilera

Casper the Friendly Ghost and Gaayab form "Gaayab Aaya"

English cricketer Chris Tremlett and Hulk

Andy Caddick, Ajit Agarkar, and Yoda

Rakhi Sawant, Ari, and Chucky

Shibu Soren and Snoop Dogg

Justin Bieber sues Mark Zuckerberg claiming “Time Person of the Year” title

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 22:00:39 +0000

California, USA. Lawsuits have not stopped following Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg as he is slapped with one every time something significant happens in his life. Right from being sued for copying the very idea of Facebook six months after he founded the website to facing blasphemy charges in Pakistan, Zuckerberg is now facing a lawsuit from the teen singing sensation Justin Bieber for robbing him off of a well-deserved award – Time Person of the Year 2010.

The 16-year-old Canadian pop singer has accused Zuckerberg of pressurizing Time magazine’s editors to remove Bieber’s candidature and replace it with his own in the original shortlist of the 25 persons, which was later put to public poll and where Julian Assange got the maximum rating and votes.

Justin Bieber showing victory sign even before the lawsuit has been settled

“What explains my name missing in a list that has Sarah Palin, Lady Gaga and Glenn Beck as candidates?” Justin Bieber posed the question to a crowd of journalists and swooning fans in a hurriedly called press conference.

The pop singer wondered how he could be not considered for the title when his song “Baby” featured in worldwide top ten singles in the year 2010.

“Twitter had to block my name from trending globally because I was talked about so widely this year,” Bieber argued why he deserved to be on the Time shortlist, “Forget Twitter, where Mark (Zuckerberg) is no match to me, even on Facebook, I have eight times more fans than him!” Bieber informed as the crowd shouted “like, like.”

Bieber further claimed that since Time couldn’t have chosen Assange for their “Person of the Year” edition for “obvious” reasons, he was destined to be the next best choice for the title, but the Facebook founder played “dirty games” and killed his chances.

Although he didn’t provide any details or furnish any proof to back his claims of Zuckerberg playing dirty games, Justin Bieber was hopeful of an out of court settlement with a few million dollars in cash, as virtually everyone who has sued the Facebook founder has ended up with some cash.

Meanwhile editors of Time magazine have refused to comment over the development, though some of them privately conceded that perhaps it would have been better to make Justin Bieber the Person of the Year 2010.

“For those who are currently feeling outraged for Assange being ignored for the title, the farce would have been complete. There wouldn’t have been any discordant voices,” an editor said on conditions of anonymity.

Suhel Seth goes for a shocking makeover – will remain cool on TV

Guest Patrakar — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 10:20:55 +0000

Mumbai. Constant critic of everything under the sun except his thick locks of salt and pepper hair, Mr. Suhel Seth has finally decided to go for an image makeover. He announced in a massive eight-way debate on Times Now channel last night that he was about to change his approach – from a hyper, sullen, pessimistic and outraged tone he would now move onto something more positive, constructive and smiling.

Suhel Seth criticizing something on television

A shocked anchor Mr Arnab Goswami grilled Suhel Seth for half an hour to force him to reveal what were on his mind actually. The debate on “Should Arundhati Roy be electrocuted for her anti-India speech?” took a sudden turn as everyone started pleasantly quizzing Suhel Seth.

He, however, refused to divulge more, giving instead only his sample of what we can expect in days to come:

Instead of “What’s the political class doing to this goddam nation (chew chew) -eating it alive (pant pant)?”
he will now say, “We must request our politicians to serve us better.”

Instead of “For 60eee years, like idiots, we have been mute spectators to the loot and rape of this nation (sigh sigh)!”
he will now offer a saintly, “Our glorious history of 6 decades deserves due accolades.”

Instead of “The Hindu fundamentalists deserve to be ostracized and hung on the streets of India (grrr grrr)!”
he will now pray, “Our Hindus have a point that’s well taken, and needs a debate.”

And instead of a high-decibel and fast-pitched “Notttthing ever comes out of these JPC reports!”
he would offer a dovish, “Our parliament is our national temple, to be revered and loved!”

Post his announcement, Hindu groups reveled on the streets in many cities, as they thought that one of the biggest hurdles in the construction of the Ram Mandir was gone. Simultaneously, various pressure groups, lobbyists, school principals, Advertising professionals, politicians, housemaids, housewives, models, Bollywood stars, drivers, chaiwallahs and cheating-husbands also celebrated with gay abandon this new found freedom from Suhel Seth’s massively intellectual attacks that would generally leave reputations tattered like a venomous cobra snake that’s defanged substantially after a vicious mongoose attack.

Mr. Suhel Seth, in private conversation with a media personality, shared that this new approach owed its origin to Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar’s exhortation that only through peace, love and introspection can the deep problems of humanity – like the poorly functioning Symbian OS etc. – can be solved. He was deeply touched, he says, by this sage’s suggestions.

Suhel also promised that he would now appear on as many TV debates as he has till date, to make up for the damage he has done so far in this lifetime. In case he fails to settle the score, he promised he will be reborn as Arnab Goswami to quickly cover the balance, even as he conceded that Barkha Dutt too was not a bad choice if the gods didn’t screw up on the sex-change part.

[submitted by Inane Stupidities Amplified (I S Amplified)]

Khap Panchayat orders Rahul Mahajan to be forcibly married off to Rakhi Sawant

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:32:58 +0000

Rewari, Haryana. In an attempt to improve their image in the civil society and reach out to the youth, a Khap Panchayat has decided to execute the longest pending demand of the populace – to get Rahul Mahajan and Rakhi Sawant married off to each other. The decision was taken after news about Rahul Mahajan beating his second wife Dimpy Ganguly and was splashed all over television news channels.

“I had switched on the television in the morning to get some updates on honor killings but they were talking about this wife beating thing. We immediately called a meeting and concluded that this was not an honor beating, and hence not at all acceptable.” Boochar Tau, head of the Khap Panchayat said.

Boochar Tau then ordered young and sturdy Khap members to abduct Rahul and Rakhi and produce them before the Panchayat within a month, after which they would be married off to each other. The Panchayat wants to be done with this issue before the start of the Commonwealth Games, which starts in another two months, so that they have ample time to prepare for the disruption of the games.

The long cherished dream of every Indian could finally come true thanks to a Khap Panchayat

Although Tau didn’t confirm it, sources indicate that the Khap Panchayat could sell the broadcast rights of the forcible marriage to some television channel.

“The whole process starting from selection of handsome and hefty Jaat boys for admission into the abduction gang to the actual abduction of Rahul and Rakhi finally ending in their forced marriage can make a good TV series. It can be called Kyun Ho Gaya Na, Fevicol Vivaah, Khap Ne Bana Di Jodi, Jat Yamla Pagla Deewana, or even India’s Got Assholes.” a source said.

The decision by the Khap Panchayat has been welcomed by most of the people, many of whom thought it was the most rational thing to do in the current circumstances as Rahul Mahajan had turned into a serial wife-beater.

“At least when he beats his wife next time, it would be treated as a street fight and not domestic violence.” said Abhinav from Mumbai, who supported the Khaps on this issue.

Rahul Mahajan was unavailable for comments but Rakhi Sawant reacted sharply.

“Oh jejus!” she said.

Arindam’s next best-seller to clear the air on “Inception”

Pagla Ghoda — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 13:18:35 +0000

IIPM Towers, New Delhi. Are you one of those movie goers who are not able to understand Inception, the latest Hollywood sensation? Are you getting weird dreams and dreams within those, and further dreams within those? If that is true then you need not worry because B-school evangelist and leader of young minds, Arindam Chaudhuri, has a solution for you.

To eliminate the moral confusion of students and movie geeks about Christopher Nolan’s latest flick Inception, Arindam Chaudhuri is coming out with a new book, rather best-seller, by the name “Count your dreams before you get a kick”.

Chaudhuri, who is widely acknowledged as an expert on dreams by virtue of being the founder of The Great Indian Dream Foundation, was addressing a press conference here. “I know these are the times of great confusion for all movie fans. Initially I was also confused and thought that the name of the movie was ‘Infection’ and it was a documentary on HIV AIDS. But later I realized it was on dreams, a topic I have always loved to talk about.” Arindam said with a smile.

Unconfirmed reports suggest Mr. Arindam Chaudhuri can plant ideas or dreams successfully in an individual’s mind, a rare feat known as Inception

All this apparently began when Arindam wrote a riveting news article in his riveting political news magazine ‘Saturday Night Indian’ and tore the movie Inception into bits and pieces. “I did a very incisive analysis, which my fans, worshippers and students alike appreciated, but I was not at all satisfied and then I pledged to write a book on the topic.” he further added.

Although Mr. Chaudhuri neither confirmed nor denied the possibilities, it is being rumored that he has planned a full series of books and novels on Inception theme and next in line are “Dare to dream beyond the 4th level” and “Discover the totem in you”.

“Dreams can change your life and your life can be changed by dreams, and if you want to change your life forever come to IIPM. Plus all the students will be provided with free laptops and their personalized free totems.” Mr. Chaudhuri declared with a smile and then raised his left hand to point to the roof. He stayed like that for 5 minutes, which apparently signaled the end of the press conference.

To be back in news, Rakhi Sawant picks Spain over Holland

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 19:50:19 +0000

Mumbai. Having failed to convince (yet) Imagine TV to arrange her second swayamvar and with even Mika not kissing her again, Rakhi Sawant has decided to jump on the prediction bandwagon to get back in news. Like Paul the Octopus and Mani the Parrot, Rakhi Sawant too predicted the winner for the FIFA world cup final by blowing heart shaped little balloons towards bowls representing the two teams.

The bowl with the Spanish flag received the maximum number of little hearts, signifying Rakhi’s pick for the finals.

“These are not balloons; these are my hearts, my real hearts. And my heart has said that Spain will win.” Rakhi announced, with pouted lips and a low neckline top, signifying her transformation into an oracle girl from an item girl.

No, this is not Rakhi Sawant dressed up as witch

Experts believe that Rakhi has been feeling suffocated after being out of news for such a long time, while her competitor Sherlyn Chopra had been making news around football world cup.

But Rakhi denied such speculations and declared that she had mastered the art of predictions thanks to her faith in the occult, which had led her to dress as a witch for a fashion show. She further informed that she was willing to take up this prediction business fulltime if some television channel agreed to make program out of it and some corporate brand agreed to sponsor the show.

“Britannia Little Hearts is one brand that I can think of, but I’m sure the television people can come up with more options.” Rakhi said, proving that her knowledge and understanding of television showbiz was more than what people were willing to credit her with.

Rakhi is confident of getting some television channel on board after the kind of attention Paul the Octopus received from them and other media outlets after having correctly predicted the results of Germany’s matches during the ongoing football world cup. She is especially confident of convincing a news channel even if her prediction about world cup finals fails.

“They can still show me in the program!” Rakhi said, arguing that accuracy of her predictions were rather inconsequential in so far as producing content for television was concerned.

Sources say that if Rakhi fails to get her second, and possibly third as well, swayamvar produced and broadcast, she may as well start her own prediction show like a pre-match balloon blowing prediction for IPL4 matches or a live television show where she would take in phone calls from people and help them with their queries.

Sherlyn Chopra takes on Viswanathan Anand for killing horses and camels

Saleem Pheku — Wed, 19 May 2010 16:41:42 +0000

Chennai. A group of PETA activists headed by scantily clad Sherlyn Chopra riding a stud along with a horde of horses, camels, and elephants staged a protest in front of Viswanathan Anand’s residence at Chennai. They shouted “Anand! Go back!!” Later speaking to Faking News, one of the PETA activists alleged that Anand was anti-animalist and killed all these protesting animals, excluding Sheryln.

Sherlyn Chopra is seen here quite disturbed over plight of animals

“The sad part of the story is Anand rubbishes such killings and claims it only as part of his game!” the activist lamented. Savoring her favorite dish at a nearby KFC, she further questioned, “How can killing of horses, camels and elephants be a part of the game? Isn’t it done for sheer human pleasure? He may kill as many human beings as he wants as part of his game but we can’t accept animal killing.”

On behalf of PETA, she further demanded, “Such games should be banned. Khans like Salman and Saif get encouraged to hunt wild life because of such games. Government should immediately withdraw all the awards given to Viswanathan Anand.”

When contacted by Faking News over her choice of riding a stud, half naked Sherlyn said, “Unlike Nargise Bagheri riding a wooden horse, I wanted to do it bigger, like riding a real elephant. But you know, I got scared by its trunk and settled down rather with a real stud.”

In response to another question, she retorted with a sharp voice, “What’s wrong being nude or semi-nude? We are animal lovers and follow the dress code of our beloved. This is how we get the much desired publicity both for ourselves and for PETA”.

She ended it up saying, “this is our usual practice”. Meanwhile, Faking News observed an unhappy filly murmuring, “Jeez, I now understand why all these colts are no more interested in us!”

Airlines faces trouble as silicon breasts of Rakhi Sawant gets damaged in transit

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:37:09 +0000

Mumbai. Traveling by air is getting dangerous with each day. First it was mid-air fight among the crew, followed by eve-teasing of air-hostesses, and now private assets of passengers are getting damaged. Just a couple of days after Sarod maestro Ustad Amjad Ali Khan was heartbroken to see his instrument damaged, drama queen Rakhi Sawant has gone wild after her silicon breasts developed cracks while flying in Kingfisher Airlines.

The incident happened when Rakhi Sawant was going to Mumbai from New Delhi in the Kingfisher flight number IT 304. She had to meet her television producers from NDTV Imagine to discuss plans for her second swayamvar, but her meeting was cancelled when she realized that she had a few cracks on her breasts.

Rakhi Sawant is heartbroken after her broken breasts

“Oh Jejus! How can they do this to me? Rakhi Sawant is not Amjad Ali Khan, who would quietly accept any apology. I am like Amjad Khan, the Gabbar of Sholay, and will not let go anyone who does any harm to me or my property.” said a livid Rakhi as she showed her broken breasts to journalists, who immediately broadcasted the images, fittingly calling it a Breaking News.

Kingfisher Airlines, on the other hand, has refused to take blame for the damaged breasts of Rakhi. An official response from the airlines informed that although the company is looking into the matter, prima facie it was a case where the company can’t be held responsible.

“We have checked our records, and Rakhi’s breasts were not part of the cargo. Airlines have limited responsibility for cabin baggage, especially when the baggage is being carried by a passenger all through the flight. IT 304 had no record of any turbulence, which might have caused injurious jerks to the passengers and their baggage. Nonetheless, we are ready to cooperate and find out the reasons so that other passengers carrying similar fragile baggage don’t go through such troubles.” the Press Release by the Kingfisher Airlines read.

But Rakhi is not impressed by the explanation given out by the airlines and is planning to meet Civil Aviation Minister Mr. Praful Patel to pressurize the airlines into issuing out an apology and replacing her damaged breast fillings. Sensing trouble, Vijay Mallya, Chairman of Kingfisher group of companies, has invited Rakhi Sawant for dialogues and has offered to carefully look into her troubles.

(based on a scoop by Charkha Dutt, first female reporter of Faking News)

Resignation mystery solved, Amar Singh to start second innings in Bollywood

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 16:31:59 +0000

Dubai, UAE. Even though Samajwadi Party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav has tried to downplay the resignation of Amar Singh and is hopeful of his return to the fold, Faking News has learned that the 53-year-old high profile leader has not only left Samajwadi Party, he has left politics for good and not joining any other political party. And guess what, the socialite-politician is ready to start his second innings in Bollywood.

“Yes, I am starring in the sequel to Paa, titled Paa-Do.” said a jubilant Mr. Amar Singh, ending all speculations over his future career and sequel to Paa. Candid as always, he admitted that he was pretty frustrated with his political career. “I do not think that with my failing health I can catch up with Mayawati or Madhu Koda, and I want to be second to none. Even Shibu Soren seems to be getting ahead now.” he woefully added.

Upon being quizzed further, Mr. Singh revealed that Paa-Do will be based on a story he himself penned during his illness. It will star Mr. Singh as a kid with a rare disease, but not Progeria. Singh will be suffering from fecal incontinence, which is the loss of regular control of the bowels.

Amar Singh gives a facial expression as an actor

“It’s a very challenging role, but my political career has trained me perfectly for it. I will fit to the T playing this complex character.” a visibly proud Mr. Singh said. “The movie will be a visual treat (sic.) for all the viewers, and in a way will also showcase my political achievements till date.” he further added.

Questions as to how exactly his achievements will be showcased were greeted with a sly smile, “that is for the viewers to discover after they watch the movie.” Mr Singh said. On being quizzed if any other politicians were being roped in for the movie, Mr. Singh was furious. “Isn’t one enough?” he angrily retorted.

The movie will also star Rakhi Sawant in the pivotal role of the mother of the child that doesn’t have a hold on his bowels. “I have seen Rakhi in both Rakhi ka Swayamvar and Pati, Patni aur Woh; she is phenomenal.”

A question as to whether Rakhi will also feature in an item song in the movie was however ignored by Mr. Singh. He also said that producers were still looking for an actor to play his dad’s role in the movie. “It is not an easy role, that of the child’s father. The actor will have to share screen space with both me and Rakhi, no easy feat that will be”, he added.

Upon being asked what role would the venerable Big-B play in the sequel, Mr. Singh said, “Mr Bachchan visited me many times while I was undergoing treatment in Singapore, and that’s when it struck me that in the never-seen-before role of a male nurse, Mr. Bachchan could wow audiences around the world. And that’s what he will play in Paa-do, be my nurse”.

The Bachchan family was unavailable for comments. The senior Bachchan is expected to soon blog about this exciting new development. Given the phenomenal success of Paa, one can only hope that Paa-Do isn’t merely a whiff of hot air.

(submitted through e-mail by Scribe D)

Aamir Khan kidnapped by Naxals while promoting 3 Idiots in disguise

kyabaathai — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:45:25 +0000

Latehar, Jharkhand. According to the latest reports reaching us, Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan has been kidnapped by a group of Naxalites in the Latehar village here, where he had gone in hiding for the promotion of his upcoming flick “3 Idiots”. The superstar is safe but under the complete control of the Naxalites, who are now expected to come out with a list of demands to be met in order to secure his release.

Aamir had earlier announced that he would be visiting some unknown places in the country in disguise and leave behind some clues about those places for the common people to spot him; people deciphering the clues and spotting Aamir would have won exciting prizes. The first clue was given by master-blaster Sachin Tendulkar on Saturday, but it seems that the Naxalites have been the first one to decipher the clues and to have got their prized catch.

3 Idiots? – Aamir Khan thinking ways to get out of the captivity of the Naxals

In an exclusive interview with Faking News, one of the Naxalites, who did not wish to be named, said, “We successfully decrypted the second clue given by him. He tried to act smart by feigning forgetfulness as he did in Ghajini, but he couldn’t fool us.”

Naxals have not yet harmed Aamir but have taken him to an undisclosed location, about which they declined to leave any clues. “We are not in any of this promotion business, so don’t even bother!” warned the same Naxal kidnapper, who then blindfolded our reporter and took him to the location where Aamir Khan was held captive. Aamir smiled at our reporter but the Naxals didn’t allow us to interview him.

On being asked if the Naxals and the Maoists, who supported them in this operation, had any particular demands, he said, “We are preparing the list. Mostly we would need some new phones as our Chinese phones have stopped working and we also need some playstations as we get bored after the elections get over. For everything else, we have Mastercard.”

The Naxals are also reportedly angry with the superstar for showing them in bad light in his movie Sarfarsoh and want him to make a sequel to amend the mistakes.

When reports last came in, there was no official word from the Government, although tension on the faces of the officials could be seen clearly. The Bollywood industry on the other hand, has come out openly in support of the superstar.

Shahrukh Khan wrote on his blog, “Aamir is a pucca idiot. I told him to make the clues tougher but he never listens to me. He is repenting for having a wrong circle of friends. I wish him all the best and demand his immediate release.”

Shahrukh Khan refuses role of a porn star by Arindam Chaudhuri

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 09:43:56 +0000

Mumbai. Barely a couple of days after expressing the desire of becoming a porn star, Bollywood star Shahrukh Khan has refused an opportunity that would have allowed him to live his long cherished dream. Shahrukh has politely declined to act in a porn movie to-be-produced by Planman Motion Pictures, founded by Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri. Earlier, Shahrukh had expressed his desire to be a porn star while launching a book written by Prof. Chaudhuri.

According to well placed sources, the movie was tentatively titled “Dare To Kink Beyond The Bedrooms – discover the pornstar in you” and was to document a story of an exotic sex-maniac with a ponytail. Shahrukh was offered the role of this sex-maniac, who would go on a sexual escapade in public places with various partners, eventually killing one of them, who’d be reborn and avenge his/her death. The movie was to have songs and dance sequences and some tear-jerking moments to make it fit for Shahrukh, but the Bollywood star declined the offer.

Shahrukh Khan with ponytail (no pun intended)

“I was touched by their gesture but I’m not yet ready for such a role. Also, it was just a joke that I had cracked to suit the occasion. I guess they take jokes seriously and make a joke out of serious stuff.” Shahrukh said jokingly as dimples appeared on his cheeks and he looked oh-so-innocent for a wannabe porn star.

Planman Motion Pictures have expressed disappointment over Shahrukh’s reaction but they believe that if they keep on offering the role, he would finally accept it.

“We just have to be insistent and persistent in such matters. If you keep on repeating something, people eventually start believing it to be true. That’s our policy and we’d stick to it.” a Planman Motion Pictures spokesperson said, denying the possibility that the role could be offered to Salman Khan, who also sports a ponytail, or Amir Khan, who likes experimenting with roles.

“It’s a role tailor-made for SRK, we are not going to offer it to anyone, not even to our own ponytail sporting Arindam Chaudhuri.” The spokesperson quipped, later requesting Faking News not to quote him, but we decided to ignore his requests.

Porn star Jenna Jameson poses in clothes to protect animal rights

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 09:00:14 +0000

Las Vegas, USA. Renowned and respected porn star Jenna Jameson has surprised everyone by posing fully dressed, covered from head to toe in clothes, to send out a strong signal to the world against cruelty to animals. Jameson wore fur to highlight the plight of animals that are killed by human beings to cover themselves. The event was organized by FALTU (Fur And Leather Things Unlawful) activists.

“I wanted to show how meaningless it was to have fur on your body. Our society appreciates if you show your own skin, so what’s the point of showing animal skin on your flesh? I am confident that people would take notice and stop wearing fur from now on.” Jenna told Faking News.

Jenna had reportedly left the porn industry and experts believe that such acts are aimed at image makeover

Jenna might be confident, but experts are not sure if people would take notice. This is first time when someone has posed in fur to oppose wearing fur. The accepted norm has been to go nude or at least semi-nude.

“Jenna wore a very ordinary fur and it actually covered almost every part of her body. I’m not sure if people would appreciate such stunts. They should have consulted a fashion designer before organizing the event. I have helped people fight threats like AIDS, cancer, communalism and terrorism, there’s no reason why I can’t help people fight for animal rights.” leading designer Kapda Kapadia said.

But FALTU activists claim that the event struck the right chord with the masses and it was the most important step ever taken to protect animal rights.

“Many women have been posing nude or covered in lettuce for quite a long time now. Some of them painted their boy and caged themselves as well, but it hardly helped the animals. In fact it only helped voyeur men who enjoyed such photographs. Our motive was to shock these guys, who’d now surely hate fur for covering up stuff they always wanted to see.” FALTU spokesperson claimed.

FALTU is planning to stage similar protests all across the world to help animal rights, and are currently seeking the help of a woman celebrity in India who could pose completely in clothes. Our sources confirm that they are facing a lot of resistance and rejections to their proposal.

Atif Aslam wins Best Supporting Singer award for complementing chorus

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:30:49 +0000

Mumbai. Leading singer Atif Aslam has been awarded the “Best Supporting Singer” award by Indian Music Academy (IMA) for beautifully complementing the chorus singers in the song “Tu Jaane Na” of the Bollywood movie “Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani”. This is the first major Indian award for the Pakistani singer who is quite popular in India and has been singing regularly for Bollywood movies, but it has triggered a debate in the musical society.

While the supporter of Atif Aslam have termed the award as bogus and ‘derogatory’ for relegating the lead singer to a secondary role, chorus singers have welcomed the award saying it was a much needed, though also much delayed, recognition of their contribution to the music industry.

Atif is seen singing solo (without chorus) here in a live concert

“There was time when All India Radio would term singers of a song as ‘Kishore Kumar and Sathi’ and people were left wondering who this Sathi was? In fact I know of a Vijayendra, the property dealer of Sathi Builders & Developers in Vashi, who had confused many people by claiming that he used to sing in Hindi movies. Chorus singers were always ignored and never appreciated, but now IMA has tried to undo this wrong. I welcome this step.” Sameer Sawant, a chorus singer who has sung in various Bollywood movies said.

But supporters of Atif Aslam are not impressed. They argue that the category of “Best Supporting Singer” was ‘invented’ by IMA to insult Atif. They wonder why they never heard of this category in any Music Awards function anywhere else in the world.

“Where was this category of award all these years? Why suddenly now and why Atif only? Why didn’t they award Anu Malik in this category when he sang ‘why did you break my heart’ lines during ‘Dil Mera Churaya Kyun’ song in ‘Akele Hum Akele Tum’? This is all bullshit. An attempt to discourage Atif and nothing else.” Ravi Raut, a die-hard fan of Atif Aslam argued.

The supporters of Atif were further enraged by playback singer Abhijeet, who had earlier called Atif Aslam ‘besura’ (out of tune singer), when he claimed that if at all Atif was to be awarded, he should have been awarded for complementing ‘recording machines’ and not chorus singers. Abhijeet claimed that he had the support of many Pakistani singers on this issue.

Meanwhile music lovers, who are finding “Tu Jaane Na” a very soulful and romantic song, have criticized all the parties to this controversy and have accused media organizations like Faking News of giving undue importance to non-issues. Faking News pleads guilty to the charges as we fear being beaten up by hockey-sticks if we raised real issues.

Brad Pitt claims Amitabh Bachchan as his long lost son

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:41:29 +0000

Mumbai. In a development that is set to shock Bollywood and Hollywood alike, Brad Pitt has surprisingly claimed that Big B was his long lost son. After watching promotional visuals of upcoming movie Paa, Brad claimed that Amitabh Button (the surname allegedly distorted by Indians) was his offspring – a result from his adventures on a sea-trip that he had made when he was a 15-year-old in the body of a 50-year-old.

“I had an affair with a swimmer of international fame. Our love bore a son, however I soon realized that I was getting younger with time, so I left my son under the care of his mother. The last I heard was that she was swimming across the Ganges trying to break some new world record, and while doing so she forgot our son at Allahabad, who was then raised by Indians.” said Brad, claiming that his genes were responsible for Big B’s latest looks in Paa.

Some experts see a similarity between Amitabh Bachchan (left) and Brad Pitt (right)

Brad is now out to find Big B’s alleged original mother and to have DNA tests conducted to back his claim with official evidence. This has been an emotional moment for the Brangelina couple, who have been adopting kids of all nationalities. Angelina especially is so excited that she is believed to have said that in the event of Brad failing to track the swimmer-mother, she would voluntarily adopt Amitji and make him a part of her world family.

While the claim by Brad has been shot down by many experts as being a publicity stunt, there seem to be a growing clan of people who are ready to accept Brad’s claims on on the following three counts:

The resemblance between surnames Button and Bachchan
The fact that Big B’s physical appearance is inversely proportional to his mental attributes in Paa just like Brad in Benjamin Button
The acting talent that runs in both the families

This has evoked mixed reactions in the Bachchan family. Abhishek has completely rejected the idea altogether, as he is least eager to be known as Abhishek Pitt. However, Aishwarya is already flirting with the idea of having Angelina as her grand-mom-in-law and becoming a part of Hollywood’s family number one as well. Aishwarya’s excitement was shared by Big B’s good friend and Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh, who too appeared all too excited to get the grandmotherly love of Angelina.

Big B’s wife and actress Jaya Bachchan declined to comment on the issue but journalists could extract a comment from Bollywood’s evergreen beauty Rekha, who rubbishing the Hollywood couple’s claim. Rekha reckons that it is Brad’s shameless attempt at getting listed as the sexiest grandfather alive, after having been recently dethroned as the sexiest man alive.

Amidst these mixed reactions from family members and friends, Big B himself is reeling under the effects of a complete loss of identity. The man once known for the famous dialogue “rishtey main to hum tumhaare baap lagte hain” is feeling the after effects of his own medicine. He has not yet put a blog post on the same.

Meanwhile, rumor has it that Karan Johar has already started on his new project –“Kabhi Bachchan, Kabhi Button – it’s all about loving your new family” – a sequel to Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Karan is confident that he’d not need to apologize to Raj Thackeray for his latest movie.

(submitted through email by Khoda)