Faking News » Entertainment

Don’t become MacMohan of Hollywood, fans plead with Anil Kapoor

Vipul K Rawal — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 08:12:39 +0000

Mumbai. Versova Police today arrested a man for breaking into Anil Kapoor’s house. The man, who has legally changed his name to Romeo Jhakaas, claims to be a diehard fan of Anil Kapoor and told the police that he had gone there just to impart some career guidance to Anil Kapoor.

After being let off with a warning, Romeo talked to this journalist in detail about what transpired.

“For the past one year, I have been eagerly waiting for Mission Impossible 4 just because it had Anil Kapoor in it. In fact, it was I who started tweeting and blogging when his picture didn’t feature on the movie poster. It was only after that, they put his picture on the poster,” Romeo claimed.

MacMohan, who played Sambha in the superhit movie Sholay, used to perform outstanding 3-minutes roles in Bollywood.

During the movie, Romeo got a phone call from Juliet Dixit, his girlfriend, and being a cultured moviegoer, he got out of the movie hall to have a quick chat. He returned after three minutes, his shortest phone conversation ever with his girlfriend, and was shocked to realize that he had missed Anil Kapoor’s role as a result. He couldn’t believe this horror.

“Bloody I went back and bought the ticket for the next show. I didn’t even go to bathroom this time. And WTF! Anil was there in the film only for 3 minutes! And there too he kept getting beaten and slapped by the heroine! Come on, he was visible on screen for more time even as Mr. India, the invisible man!” said a visibly traumatized Romeo.

When probed gently what has that got to do with him breaking into Anil Kapoor’s house, Romeo said that he wanted to offer some sound career advice to his idol.

“I don’t want him to become MacMohan of Hollywood,” the diehard fan of Sonam Kapoor’s father said, “Do you know Anil Kapoor is the only Bollywood star who doesn’t do ads. The only ad he did was for the Mont Blanc pen, which also upset me, because that pen should have been presented to his brother Boney Kapoor and not to him by his father.”

When contacted by Faking News, Anil Kapoor laughed it off but reiterated that his 3-minute role in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol offered him a range of emotions that a normal full length Hindi movie never offered him. Also, it gave him a chance to project an urbane, suave, hawttt Indian man, which people in the west have no idea about.

However, the producers of the movie are taking no risks and have secured themselves against any attack on theaters on studios by angry Anil Kapoor fans. Sources say that the producers are thinking of hiring TV serial producer Ekta Kapoor, who is expert in converting a 3-minutes story into a 30-minutes full blown episode.

Man with over 500 pictures of Kim Kardashian finally learns to pronounce her name

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:00:26 +0000

New Delhi. 25-year-old Ricky Bahl, who has a hobby of collecting high resolution pictures and wallpapers of various ladies, has finally learned how to pronounce “Kim Kardashian” – the name of the famous American actress, model and sex-tape leaker. It’s not yet clear why Ricky took the pain to know the right pronunciation of the name, especially the surname, as it is not required by any software to open or edit the pictures and videos of Kim Kardashian.

“He was happy with those 500 odd pictures, video clips, and the sex-tape of Kim on his laptop hard drive, and used to relieve himself when under pressure,” Rohit, a close friend of Ricky and a frequent borrower of .3gp and .avi files from him, told Faking News. Rohit referred to Kim Kardashian as only “Kim” throughout the interview.

One of the pictures that were found on the hard drive of Ricky Bahl

“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” Rohit angrily said when this reporter asked him whether he knew how to pronounce the surname of the American model, whose Facebook fan page received maximum comments – like ‘hi sexy, when u come 2 India’ – from him and Ricky. Both of them also follow her on Twitter.

On the other hand, Ricky Bahl was reported to be flaunting his new acquired knowledge to all his friends as he tutored at least seven other guys on how to make a difference between Kim Sharma and Kim Kardashian while speaking.

Ricky refused to disclose why he decided to learn the pronunciation, but he categorically declined that it was result of any security threat e.g. a virus that stopped him from accessing his “Hot Babes” folder in D Drive unless he pronounced the name of the enclosed files correctly.

However sources confirm that Ricky was forced to take this step after he was widely ridiculed by some of his female friends for pronouncing Kardashian and “Kadarshiyaan” for the second time in the last one week.

Sources further inform that when he was ridiculed for the first time, Ricky did go back to his room and tried to Google for “Kim Kardashian Pronunciation”, however he lost his way as Google auto-complete suggestions led him to search for “Kim Kardashian Pregnant”.

Ricky, also a keen follower of English music, now aims to find out if Lady Gaga is a man and whether Justin Bieber is his sister.

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Censor cuts Emraan Hashmi scenes to reduce obscenity in The Dirty Picture

Mouthful — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:19:48 +0000

Mumbai. After some groups expressed concerns over the likely sleazy content in the upcoming movie The Dirty Picture, which is based on the life of soft porn actress Silk Smitha, Censor Board met early today to remove all potentially obscene scenes and release a “cleaner” version of the movie. However, the producers of the movie were shocked to receive the culled prints without the appearance of Emraan Hashmi, except for a minute or two after the interval and a 13 second flashback near the end.

“We were relieved to see that none of the scenes, where Vidya had a loud sexual body language, were removed. We were about to celebrate when a spotboy pointed out that Emraan Hashmi was missing from the movie,” Ekta Kapoor, producer of the movie said, “And then we watched the movie again, and he was right! There was no Emraan! Censor had removed those scenes or blurred his face!”

One of the scenes where Emraan Hashmi's face was modified by the Censor Board to make the movie cleaner

The censor seemed to have used some software that identified the parts of the movie where Emraan appeared and chopped them off. It modified his face if Vidya Balan too was in the same frame.

Initially the producers thought to keep quiet as nobody might notice the absence of Emraan Hashmi till Vidya Balan showed her cleavage and flashed her belly flab, but lawyers argued that Emraan might ask for a compensation for this “insult”.

“There was a risk of him teaming up with his uncle Mahesh Bhatt and accusing us of communal agenda,” senior member of the production team told Faking News on conditions of anonymity, “We don’t want to get into any such shit as we are here to do business, nothing else.”

As a result, the producers have appealed to the board to reconsider their decision to remove Emraan Hashmi from the movie.

“What! We are obliged to play a responsible role,” explained Leela Samson, chairman of the board, “We had invited members of the civil society and all of them found Emraan much more vulgar, cheap, and obscene than Vidya Balan. Parents didn’t want their kids to grow up and be like Emraan. In fact, they were perfectly fine if their kids grew up to be like Tusshar Kapoor!”

Censor Board sources say that initially the board members favored removing Tusshar Kapoor scenes too from the film, as they feared that it could incite some viewers’ psyche and might push them to indulge in acts of vandalism or violence.

“Tusshar getting to kiss Vidya could have infuriated many male viewers,” a board member explained the rationale, “However we decided to remove Emraan as our mandate is clean and sensible cinema, not law and order.”

Naseeruddin Shah, the only actor that was deemed non-controversial by the board, refused to comment on the censor’s move. However he just pointed out that now, with Emraan out of the movie, the whole onus would be on Vidya to allure the youth. Naseer also added that while on the sets he had warned Emraan to change ‘that look’ in his eyes but he didn’t listen.

Censor Board was not willing to budge from its stand till reports last came in, so it remains a mystery what viewers will get to see when the movie releases tomorrow. The movie has already been banned in Pakistan.

Pissed off with Bigg Boss, court asks government to define who is a “celebrity”

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 16:17:42 +0000

New Delhi. Responding to a PIL filed by Television Ravaged People (TRP) of India, a local court here has ordered the government to properly define the word “celebrity”. TRP had moved a petition in the court claiming massive fraud going on in the entertainment industry as any damn person would appear on television these days claiming himself or herself as “celebrity”.

The PIL especially referred to the television reality show Bigg Boss, which has seen a slew of so-called celebrities, about whom common people had no frigging clue.

“This is akin to quackery,” petitioner Trast Tripathi, representing TRP, argued about random people masquerading as celebrities, “Just like we have registered medical practitioners to contain quackery, we need certification for celebrities to stop this bullshit on television.”

Absolutely no fucking idea who the hell she is and why the hell she is crying

The PIL has been accepted by the court and it has asked the government to respond within a week.

“Honorable court has taken a sympathetic view of the demand that the whole industry of ‘celebrityhood’ needs to be rationalized. The government could even have a valid reason to appoint an industry regulator here,” public prosecutor Agam Kumar Nigam said, “Since many people earn livelihood just because they are celebrities, I think the government can earn revenues through issuing licenses for being a celebrity.”

While most experts do support the idea that the definition of being a celebrity has to be standardized, many of them have opposed the idea of government issuing out any licenses to wannabe celebrities.

“We will only have celebrities like Swami Agnivesh in that case,” an expert warned, “Also, there is a risk that the government, under pressure from the opposition and its allies, could disallow FDI in the celebrity industry, which will mean we will have no Sunny Leone on Indian television.”

TRP too has clarified that it didn’t want any government control. In its petition, it has asked the court to direct the government to define proper parameters, based on which a person could be declared as celebrity, and thus eligible to act like one e.g. abuse each other in public.

“A ‘celebrity line’ on the lines of ‘poverty line’ can be defined,” Trast Tripathi suggested some steps for the government, “I think KRK (Kamaal Rashid Khan) could be that celebrity line.”

Sidhu denies he was laughing like crazy after watching video of Pawar being slapped

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:00:52 +0000

Amritsar. Former cricketer and BJP MP Navjot Singh Sidhu has denied reports that he was laughing like crazy after watching the video clip of Sharad Pawar getting slapped by a certain Harvinder Singh. Sidhu, who is known for endless laughter, was heard having a guffaw by his neighbors while allegedly watching a news channel. His neighbors claim that it was the news of Pawar being slapped that was on-air at the time Sidhu broke into an unbridled laughter.

“Whenever Sidhu paaji paused to breathe air, I could hear sounds of someone being slapped repeatedly. I think some news channel had amplified the sound and was showing the video clip in loop,” Surinder Khanna, one of the neighbors of Sidhu told Faking News.

Siddhu, allegedly after watching Sharad Pawar being slapped.

“He even screamed ‘wo maara paapad waale ko’ once,” Surinder claimed.

Sidhu is the second public figure after Anna Hazare who has been reported to have been amused by the attack on Pawar. However, Sidhu denies the charges.

“You don’t claim to have seen a snake after touching a rope my friend!” Sidhu staunchly defended himself, “You may trust your ear, but what about god’s fear?”

Later, speaking in a normal language, Sidhu claimed that he was rehearsing for some TV show and it was just a happenstance that Pawar slapping video was being played on some news channel at the same time.

However, the allegations by Sidhu’s neighbors have taken a political turn with Congress leader Digvijay Singh using it as a proof to claim that BJP and RSS members were behind the recent attack on politicians.

“Sidhu himself is known to have assaulted a person who later died. This is BJP and RSS culture to beat up people,” Digvijay Singh claimed, “I think there is RSS hand on, I mean behind, Pawar’s slapping.”

While both BJP and Congress have defended their vocal leaders, the common man has decided to stick to watching videos of Sharad Pawar being slapped without worrying about how the society might be getting intolerant.

“Pencho! We read news about honor killings and road rage killings each second day, then no intellectual appears so disturbed about the future of our society. And here is a non-injurious slap and they are preaching tolerance! F@$k it! I’m going to remix the Pawar slapping video with Sidhu’s and Rahul Mahajan’s laughter audio!” an angry citizen said.

Kolaveri Dhokla launched in Gujarat as UN announces World Kolaveri Day

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 06:15:56 +0000

Ahmedabad. Why this Kolaveri di, the soup song, is now making its presence felt across domains. Businesses and institutions are trying to ride the wave of popularity it has generated by coming up with related products and ideas that they believe will appeal to the masses.

While a vendor in Gujarat has started selling “Kolaveri Dhokla”, the United Nations has announced that next Friday will be celebrated as “World Kolaveri Day”.

“The song has a global appeal and can bring together people from different faiths and backgrounds,” UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon showered praises, “Imagine if Occupy Wall Street protestors sing this song in unison and pose this question (why this kolaveri di?) to the investment bankers? I believe the bankers and the government will have no choice but to lend an ear. We invite people to undertake similar exercises on 2^nd December, the inaugural World Kolaveri Day.”

Dhanush is seen here asking the million dollar question

UN is planning to come up with a special edition of the Kolaveri song for this occasion. Tamil actor Dhanush, who has originally sung the song, has been invited to lead a troupe of international singers from different countries. The troupe will, however, leave out Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga, so that the song retains its original message – world peace through anger management.

“Instead of getting into a heated debate, one can just say ‘why this kolaveri di’ and the world would be a better place to live in,” Ban Ki-moon explained the benefits of the song. He further declared that he will call himself Ban Ki-moon-u on the World Kolaveri Day.

UN was pushed to take this step after the Kolaveri song broke all barriers of language and region in India and became a rage nationwide. Even people in Delhi, who didn’t know anything about Tamil Nadu except for Rajinikanth, Dosa, and DMK, were heard crooning this song.

While many experts have been busy analyzing why the song went viral, a shopkeeper in Ahmedabad has launched “Kolaveri Dhokla”. Jignesh Bhai, the shopkeeper, claims that his dhokla has a soothing effect on consumers.

“Even Narendra Modi and Teesta Setalvad can sit together and enjoy Kolaveri Dhokla,” he claimed.

Jignesh Bhai, who has been doing brisk business since the launch of the special dhokla, further informed that earlier he had thought of offering “Kolaveri Dosa” but decided against it as it would not have done justice to the message of national integration ingrained in the song due to its pan-India appeal.

Due to his novel innovation and noble thinking, IIM Ahmedabad has invited Jignesh Bhai to take part in a special lecture that discusses the marketing aspects of the Kolaveri song.

Amitabh Bachchan sells ICICI child future plan to Abhishek Bachchan

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 07:45:16 +0000

Mumbai. Amitabh Bachchan, who has been educating the aam aadmi about the importance of securing one’s family’s future through insurance plans, successfully sold such a plan to his son Abhishek Bachchan earlier today after Abhishek became a dad. The child plan, total value of which has not been disclosed, will make sure that the girl child of Abhishek and Aishwarya will grow up and become what she truly desires, ICICI sources claim.

“What if she wants to become a chess player or an astronaut?” Big B is supposed to have asked Abhishek, who though his daughter will become a successful Bollywood actress.

Amitabh and Abhishek celebrating the arrival of a baby girl in the family

“With Katrina ruling the roost, and actresses like Nargis Fakhri getting a break, Bollywood is getting increasingly trickier. They are no longer looking for Indian born beauty pageant winners. Just think about it,” Senior Bachchan advised his son, following which Abhishek asked his dad for help after he failed to get any innovative idea to solve this problem.

Amitabh Bachchan is reported to have sold a premium plan for child’s education and future to his son at this point of time. No one from the family or ICICI was willing to comment over the value of the plan, but sources say it covers all costs of professional grooming for the newly born girl, and secures her against any possible risk, even astrological.

“The girl’s future is secure with us,” an ICICI official claimed, “I just tuned in to India TV and they had made a kundli of Aishwarya’s baby assuming the time of birth to be the same when Abhishek had tweeted the news. They claim the girl could be maanglik and advice the parents to eat grass on all Mondays after taking bath with goat milk. But Abhishek-Aishwarya don’t need to worry or do anything of that sort. Hum hain na!”

Faking News’ attempts to contact the newly born baby girl to get a comment failed.

Mallya announces austerity drive, Deepika will travel in Gareeb Rath

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 09:07:21 +0000

Bengaluru. Chairman of Kingfisher Airlines, Vijay Mallya has announced an “austerity drive” for his family and the whole group after Fly Kingfisher had to cancel various flights due to liquidity crunch. The drive, clearly inspired from a similar drive undertaken by the UPA government a couple of years back, will go live next week and is aimed at saving money to pay for air traffic fuel and taxes.

“We will be spending less money and shaping up our figures,” Siddharth Mallya, son of Vijay Mallya announced in a press conference. Siddharth has been given the charge of leading and implementing the austerity drive as earlier he had successfully shaped up his own figure.

Vijay Mallya reacts to a question if he could sell off his stake in Force India or Royal Challengers Bangalore to meet the expenses of Fly Kingfisher

As part of the austerity drive, the Mallya family will live a very frugal life and will cut down on all expenses e.g. no member of the family will take part in any auction to buy used underwear of Michael Jackson.

Junior Mallya also announced that he and his actress girlfriend Deepika Padukone will travel from Bangalore to Jagannath Puri in Gareeb Rath, a low-cost air-conditioned train by Indian Railways, next week and seek bailout divine blessings from god.

“We will come back in Gareeb Rath as well,” Siddharth informed, “And in future, we will always travel in trains – traveling in unreserved compartments and Mumbai local like Rahul Gandhi.”

Deepika was not with Siddharth Mallya in the press conference, but family sources indicate that the Bollywood actress agreed to take part in the austerity drive after much persuasion. At one point of time, Deepika is reported to have shown Siddharth the “missed calls” list on her mobile that had names of Ranbir Kapoor and Yuvraj Singh.

“Siddharth panicked for a minute, but he recalled being on India’s Most Desirable and regained his composure,” a family source revealed.

Unconfirmed reports say that Deepika agreed to take part in this what she called “government like drama” only after she was promised ownership of 12 flats in the upcoming Millionaires’ Paradise in Bangalore – a super-luxury apartment complex being built on Vijay Mallya’s ancestral land that will house only millionaires.

“Dr. Mallya is quite serious about such ongoing and unfinished projects that must not stop due to Fly Kingfisher crisis,” a source in the UB group told Faking News.

Yana Gupta, the in-flight safety instructor on Kingfisher flights, has been made the brand ambassador of the austerity drive as she had earlier cut down on her underwear expenses; something that experts now believe was forewarning of the mess Fly Kingfisher has now got into.

The austerity drive will go live next Monday after a grand launch party organized by the Mallyas to celebrate their new found way of life. Suhel Seth will be live tweeting the events, sources say.

Sadda Haq: Ranbir Kapoor hopeful of replacing Che Guevara on t-shirts

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:58:16 +0000

Mumbai. With the song “Sadda Haq” from Rockstar movie getting rave reviews and hyped to be the “youth anthem” of India, Ranbir Kapoor is hopeful of replacing Che Guevara on t-shirts that many Indian youth wear. Ranbir plays the lead role in Rockstar and is confident that the success of the movie will cement his position as the pop revolutionary of India and inspire the current generation to “do something”.

“With Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi having been proved corrupt by the current government, the youth of India needs a new hero, and Jordan will fill this vacuum,” Ranbir told Faking News. Jordan is the name of the character Ranbir plays in the movie who sings the song “Sadda Haq, Aithe Rakh”.

He could soon be on t-shirts

Since Jordan is a fictitious character, Ranbir is hopeful that the integrity and honesty of the latest hero can’t be questioned by anyone, not even by Digvijay Singh.

The video of the song features images of activists from Kashmir and Punjab and a bunch of young men waving Tibetan flag – issues that Team Anna failed to touch, or were slapped when they tried to touch.

“I am confident that they won’t slap Ranbir,” Rockstar director Imtiaz Ali said, “The lyrics of the songs are not controversial and don’t make any direct reference to any political conflict. Furthermore, we have also taken extra precautions such as not to call Mumbai as Bombay.”

Ranbir and Imtiaz are hopeful that political themes depicted in the song’s video will be a big hit with the Indian youth. Even if someone missed the political themes, the duo is confident that visuals of Ranbir Kapoor flashing his middle finger in air would definitely connect with the modern rebels.

“Like Ra.One merchandises, we are planning to sell Ranbir Kapoor t-shirts, which will be printed totally like the Che Guevara t-shirts,” Imtiaz hoped that the youth would sport them to prove a point.

“Excellent! Would love to see Ranbir in this get up,” a young man wearing Che Guevara t-shirt reacted to the news, “But Che will continue to be my all-time favorite guitarist.”

KRK refuses to play G.One in Bhojpuri remake of Ra.One

Mahapurush Mahatma — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:29:48 +0000

Mumbai. SRK’s big time rival and ‘Deshdrohi’ star Kamaal Rashid Khan, also known as KRK, has turned down the offer to play G.One.wa in the Bhojpuri remake of Ra.One titled Ra.One.wa. In an exclusive interview to Mahua TV, the budding superstar confirmed that he was indeed asked by Lal Mirchi Productions to play the lead in Ra.One.wa, which he refused without thinking twice.

“I have better things to do with my life,” was what the actor had to say.

KRK gestures during the interview

When Chatur Chintu of Faking News caught up with the actor in his personal gym, the actor gave an insight into why he did so.

“You see, I have a big reputation. My fans expect the best by me. From real fight scenes in ‘Deshdrohi’ to my appearance in Bigg Boss, I have always maintained standards. Ra.One is not my types. SRK went for overkill with promotions. I don’t go for overkill, I simply kill,” KRK said, and asked us not to correct the grammar.

KRK further claimed that he had given away his Ra.One premier pass, apparently handed out to him personally by SRK, to his doodhwala (milkman) in Switzerland.

“He hates me now,” KRK claimed, “The only part he enjoyed was Rajini’s cameo and he silently prayed that Ra.One’s reels got replaced by that of Robot’s. But only KRK can do that, so it did not happen.”

When our correspondent informed him that there were talks to rope in his favorite co-star Gracy Singh in Ra.One.wa, KRK replied, “Ghanta!”

KRK’s refusal is the second bad news for Red Chillies Productions after industry experts declared that Ra.One had failed to match opening day collections of Salman Khan’s movie Bodyguard.

Meanwhile, reports from Hollywood suggest that the makers of Terminator are planning to sue Red Chillies for making a spoof of their movie without their prior consent. When Faking News asked SRK about this, he cracked some joke about four females and a gay male and laughed while the girls in the crowd cheered and wooed.

(submitted by Kunal Anand)

Ra.One fuljhari launched for Diwali, won’t stop till you watch the movie

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 09:25:56 +0000

Mumbai. Shah Rukh Khan has launched a special series of fuljhari (sparklers) for Diwali, which will keep burning till you douse it with a piece of paper that smells like popcorn and is soaked in cold drinks. This is the latest promotional campaign that King Khan has taken to promote his upcoming movie Ra.One, which also happens to be the brand name of the newly launched fuljhari.

“The idea is not force people to watch the movie,” SRK said while launching the fuljhari, “We want people to feel the spirit of the festival, and also enjoy the whole process of going to watch movies. That’s why we are encouraging them not to forget the taste of Pepsi and the aroma of popcorn that they would relish during the screening of the movie.”

Coming soon to celebrate Diwali with you

Pepsi has been roped in as the promotional partner in the latest campaign that asks people to preserve a piece of paper, which they will find in the popcorn bucket that they must buy during the interval of Ra.One.

“Ra.One sparklers won’t have a handle and one must douse it before it burns your finger,” Anubhav Karna, a campaign designer informed Faking News, “You can’t douse it with ordinary water or paper; you must use the paper that you found in the popcorn bucket during the interval of Ra.One. Just soak it in Pepsi and apply it on the sparkler; it will stop burning within seconds.”

These special Ra.One sparklers will be available from tomorrow onwards in some chosen shops selling crackers for Diwali. The Ra.One team has also thought of a special campaign so that common citizens don’t have trouble spotting such shops selling these special fuljharis.

“The shopkeepers at such shops will be wearing Ra.One masks,” SRK explained as his fans clapped and appreciated the innovative and hugely helpful idea.

“I just want you guys to be happy celebrating Diwali and this is just a token gift from me,” the Bollywood superstar said.

After Rajini and Big B, SRK offers Dravid a role in Ra.One

Guest Patrakar — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 07:49:33 +0000

Bangalore. In a surprising turn of events, cricketer Rahul Dravid has been offered a cameo in SRK’s upcoming movie Ra.One, which is being aggressively marketed across the country. Shah Rukh Khan has already roped in superstars Rajinikanth and Amitabh Bachchan for the movie and had plans to rope in master blaster Sachin Tendulkar, but chain of events led to Rahul Dravid being offered the role.

“Tendulkar refused the role citing the term ‘one’ being in the movie title,” a close aide of SRK revealed, “He is still waiting for that ‘one’ century to complete his century of centuries, and didn’t want to jinx anything by taking up any other ‘one’ before he got that ‘one’.”

Although SRK’s team initially thought of roping in cricketers like Dhoni or Bhajji, who have proved their acting skills in advertisements, they decided to ask Rahul Dravid as it would complete SRK’s marketing plan for the South Indian states.

“Already there’s some hype for the movie in the Tamil and Telugu sectors. Now taking Dravid for another cameo will spread Ra.One’s market in Kannada too,” Ra.One’s producer Gauri Khan said.

Shahrukh Khan announcing a new role for Dravid

With just a few days to go before the movie’s release date, Dravid has been asked to get into the IPL mode for his role. The stylish batsman has been offered the role of Chinni robot, which is going to fight against Chitti – The Rajini robot.

However, experts have warned that a fight between Kannada and Tamil heroes could reignite the Kaveri River water dispute – something that has excited SRK, for a political controversy had helped market his last movie “My Name Is Khan”.

But fans seem to be in no mood to create any controversy. “An action sequence that too just before the release? I am very happy that Jammy is finally being acknowledged for his slog overs batting instinct,” a fan of Dravid reacted when asked for comments.

“Hope the robo fight will turn out to be a mind blowing sequence. I’m excited to see if Rajini’s punch dialogues can drill through The Wall,” Ballebasha a fan of both Dravid and Rajini said. He is even ready to put Rs. 10,000 for the ticket.

“That’s crap; I’m not interested in creating any controversy. ‘Rahul’ has been my favorite screen name and that’s why I chose Dravid,” SRK said. When asked if he could bid for Dravid for the next edition of IPL, SRK said, “I won’t mind doing that once I start working on Ra.Two. In fact I’m looking to rope in Dada (Sourav Ganguly) too.”

Rahul Dravid is happy but a little nervous at the development. Only a few days back he had said that he was a very bad actor. “I meant that. I’m bad at acting; but let’s see how this goes,” Dravid told Faking News.

When contacted for his comments, Ganguly said, “I am a very bad politician.”

(submitted by Keshavcharan Vedanabhatla)

Ram Sene slap the bathtub in which Poonam Pandey filmed herself in shower

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 18:41:00 +0000

Mumbai. Upset with what they called vulgar display of pious act like bathing, Sri Ram Sene workers have slapped the bathtub in which non-stripping model Poonam Pandey had filmed herself having a shower. The assault on bathtub was carried out on Thursday afternoon by a three member team of Sri Ram Sene, apparently to teach a lesson to all bathtubs of India so that none of them ever indulges in such immoral acts.

“All of us watched the video in which Poonam Pandey was bathing without any soap and without taking her clothes off,” Pramod Pandey, local head of Sri Ram Sene told Faking News, “We watched the full video and we couldn’t find any soap coming in or any cloth going out. We were totally pissed off.”

The bathtub that got the bashing

Pramod informed that the rulebook of Sri Ram Sene makes it obligatory upon its members to slap or bash up the guilty party if something pisses them off. Initially it was proposed to slap Poonam Pandey herself, but Pramod and his friends realized that that bathing was not as immoral an act as drinking wine in a pub.

“We realized that it was not really her bathing, but the style of bathing that pissed us off,” Pramod clarified. After three hours of discussion with his friends, Pramod concluded that the bathtub was the guilty party.

“Bathtub is a western invention and it has played no role in the Indian freedom struggle,” Keshav Kolhapure, Pramod’s friend and the local head of Bhagat Singh Kranti Sena presented the logic, “It seems that Poonam was misguided by this bathtub and was pushed into performing this immoral act.”

After watching the video 50 times the whole last night, the pissed off trio barged into Poonam Pandey’s rented bathroom earlier this afternoon and slapped the bathtub with fists, shoes and belts. The bathtub developed a small crack and has been leaking water after the shocking assault.

“This shows the fascist tendencies of RSS that can’t tolerate even a bathtub,” Congress leader Digvijay Singh condemned the attack and offered his own bathroom to Poonam Pandey for recording future bathing videos.

BJP too has criticized the attack on Poonam Pandey’s bathtub and has suggested the model to go on a Bath Yatra to propagate her message of cleanliness.

However Poonam Pandey has rejected both the offers and has announced that she will settle for nothing less than a bathtub from Bigg Boss’ house. She also said that she was undeterred by such attacks and will soon launch a YouTube competitor – BathTube.

Forced to watch a horrible movie after good review, man sues newspaper

Pagalam Ritam — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 11:34:27 +0000

New Delhi. A farmer from Nadia, Dhaanchurdas Chanchod aka Dhaanchu has sued a renowned English daily for giving four star ratings to the film “Three Cubed Idiots” starring Uday Chopra, Tusshar Kapoor and Harman Baweja, all in triple roles. Dhaanchu alleges that impressed by the ratings he had come all the way from his home to Delhi, the only place where the movie was being shown, and suffered deep mental scars after watching the movie.

Dhaanchu is currently receiving treatments in the NeelnNicky ward of NIMHANS hospital. The doctors think that his losing consciousness within fifteen minutes after the movie run might have saved him from having permanent brain damages. A few other viewers weren’t as lucky and they are being treated in the Janasheen ward, which takes care of the more severe cases.

The farmer is still in state of shock as he remembers what he read in the review and what he got to watch on the silver screen

The review in question was published in the Sunday edition of the leading newspaper “The Times of Utopia”. In his review, film critic Natkhat Badhajmi criticized the acting of all the nine actors, the direction of Vipull Shucz and the music of Preetam Kopykar, but he still gave a generous “four star” rating as he thought that the movie had superior cinematography, higher production values, and efficient spot boy selection.

“Film reviewing is a complex analogy involving the study of sociology to understand the ideology that cannot be determined by mere numerology. You need to grasp the technology behind the psychology before asking me for apology,” said a logical sounding Mr. Natkhat in his defense.

Meanwhile this issue has garnered tremendous media attention and public sympathy.

A renowned NGO has created a “Taare Zameen Par” forum to bring down these star happy reviewers. They are supposed to listen to public grievances against reviewers and help the distressed people.

“Our helplines purpose has been misunderstood. We are getting frantic calls from panic stricken people who are more worried by the news that Mimoh re-launched as Mahaakshay might now be re-re-launched as Mahamimoh,” said a visibly upset Anna Sitare, founder of the forum to “review the reviewers”.

Since the victim of movie review happens to be a poor farmer, the incident has even attracted political interest.

Earlier in the day Rahul Gandhi heavily criticized the reviewers for misguiding innocent farmers like Dhaanchu. He has supported Dhaanchu’s demands for an “adequate compensation” and to express his solidarity with Dhaanchu, the Gandhi scion has decided to get admitted in the same hospital for a day.

However once informed that the said farmer is actually from Nadia in West Bengal and not Noida in Uttar Pradesh, as he had earlier thought, Rahul was quick to retract his statements claiming that he was quoted out of context.

BJP leaders were unavailable to comment as they were busy watching “Three Cubed Idiots” third time in a row when this report was filed.

Shahrukh joins Facebook, to charge 500 rupees for posting birthday wishes on wall

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 10:25:24 +0000

Mumbai. Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan is all set to join Facebook after joining Twitter. However on Facebook, he is going to be more active and personal with his fans. King Khan is all set to send out personalized birthday wishes to his fans by posting messages like “Happy Birthday my sweetest friend” on their Facebook walls through a Facebook application.

But this is not going to be free for the fans; they will have to shell out some money to see SRK post some finest birthday wishes.

“Just 500 rupees,” informed Chanchal Pandey, the publicity agent of the Bollywood superstar, “Fans have to authorize an application named SRKsays and make a payment of 500 rupees through credit card, and their job is done. The application will find out their birthday as per their Facebook profile information and post a birthday message on their wall on behalf of Shahrukh.”

The application will post personalized and unique messages on the Facebook walls that will appear to have been posted personally by Shah Rukh Khan from his personal profile. A sample post could look something like this:

Shah Rukh Khan’s Facebook application wishes you a Happy Birthday

The application will also broadcast an update on the Facebook ticker that will read something like “Manish Kumar was just wished by Shah Rukh Khan on his birthday” so that other users are tempted to use the application as well.

When contacted by Faking News, King Khan confirmed the development and hoped to connect with his fans on Facebook on a daily basis. He also termed it as “democratization” of his celebrity status.

Shahrukh Khan dancing at a wedding party

“See, I have been taking part in weddings of the rich and powerful and acting as if those rich people were my personal friends. But the truth is I did that for money,” SRK candidly admitted, “Now if I can act like personal friends of the rich and the powerful, why should I deny the same rights to my fans who are not so rich and powerful?”

Shah Rukh claimed that 500 rupees that he was charging was a modest professional fee that his fans should pay for this “service”. In return, fans will get a memory that they can cherish for whole of their life.

“Their Facebook friends will be jealous, and they can frame the screenshots of the wall post to show it off to their non-Facebook friends,” SRK’s publicity manager explained.

Facebook experts believe that the latest campaign by Shah Rukh Khan is going to be a runaway success and he could earn substantially this way, more than what many other actors earn through box office collections. However some experts foresee trouble for SRK.

“Is this application going to be exclusively for Indian fans only? What if Facebook users from Pakistan are going to authorize this application? We could see another political controversy with parties like Shiv Sena opposing this move,” a Facebook expert warned.

Experts also foresee other celebrities, especially Salman Khan and Aamir Khan, joining Facebook to launch similar applications. While Salman’s application could give birthday bumps to users, experts believe that Aamir will wait till Facebook becomes perfect and launches its new Timeline for every user.

Unconfirmed sources suggest that model Poonam Pandey too could launch a Facebook application that will post her semi-nude pictures on walls of users for free.

Paris Hilton shocked to see pirated copies of her sex tape selling in Mumbai

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 12:55:39 +0000

Mumbai. On her maiden visit to India and to the city, socialite and international celebrity Paris Hilton was shocked to see pirated copied of her famous sex tape “1 Night in Paris” being sold at throwaway prices. Hilton has officially lodged a complaint with Maharashtra state government and has asked for immediate confiscation of all the pirated CDs and a suitable compensation for the financial losses incurred by her.

“She saw some copied being sold at Heera Panna shopping center at Haji Ali, where she had gone to pay tribute at the dargah,” informed a member of her entourage, “This blatant violation of ethical business practices came as a rude surprise to her, but she was shocked beyond belief when she realized that photos of some other Indian looking women were also pasted on the cover to attract attention of potential buyers.”

Internet traffic monitoring companies confirm that there has been a sudden increase in download frequency of Paris Hilton’s sex tape. Most downloads were sought from Indian IPs. The trend is believed to continue for the next few days till she is in India.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the local shopkeeper had pasted pictures of some Bollywood actresses on the VCD cover to make it “more attractive”. A local buyer of the tape, on conditions of anonymity, confirmed seeing the face of Rakhi Sawant on one of the pirated copies, though he vehemently denied having bought the VCD due to that “addition” by the seller.

“She realized that it was a great insult to her beauty and personality and she immediately called up the Home Minister of Maharashtra to lodge her complaint,” the personal secretary of Paris Hilton told Faking News.

Sources inform that RR Patil, the Home Minister of Maharashtra, initially tried to play down the incident by telling Hilton that “such small things keep happening in big cities”.

This infuriated Hilton, who threatened to take up the issue with Sharad Pawar, who is Patil’s boss and is rumored to be in negotiations with Hilton’s father to buy a substantial stake in Hilton Hotels.

Fearing the wrath of his boss, Patil cordially invited Hilton for a cup of coffee at his house to discuss the issue in detail. Unconfirmed sources suggest that Patil even ordered a copy to the VCD to understand the issue at hand.

The meeting between Patil and Hilton was going on at the time of this report being filed, but sources suggest that Hilton is seeking damages based on financial losses incurred due to sale of the pirated copies and a compensation for defamation for having her photo printed alongside Rakhi Sawant’s.

Meanwhile Faking News correspondent was beaten up by Hilton’s bodyguards early today when he asked the heiress if she was willing to release a brand new sex tape exclusively for her Indian fans.

Producer under fire for giving scriptwriter a fee as high as heroine’s wardrobe budget

Vipul K Rawal — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 13:15:21 +0000

Mumbai. A Bollywood film producer is facing strong criticism for offering a scriptwriter an amount of fee, which is as high as the budget earmarked for the wardrobe expenses of the film’s heroine. The step is being seen as a “game changer” that could queer the pitch of filmmaking for existing and future filmmakers, and thus is being opposed by most of the producers in the industry.

“This is really shocking,” said Producer Anil Nagrath, an Indian Motion Pictures’ Producers Association (IMPPA) member who has produced films like Shaitaano Ka Honeymoon and Chudail Bani Suhaagan in the past.

“This will definitely skew up the economics of making viable projects,” he added, using the word ‘project’ instead of ‘films’ to sound more convincing. “First we had to overpay the actors, then coprates (sic.), and now this. I think I will have to quit making meaningful cinema and go back to Jabalpur and teach film making to aspiring film makers,” he said shaking his head ruefully.

A writer showing a payment that he claimed to have received as the signing amount for his last movie

Entertainment Lawyer Neelima Bhatt, who draws up contracts for most members of the film fraternity, dismissed this as a one off incident: “We have a system of valuation for every department and we will never allow our producer clients to pay such exuberant fees to a writer. In this instance, I guess the producer may still not have located the DVD of the original foreign movie from which the writer was inspired. However, once he locates the DVD, I am sure the contract will be reworked.”

Ram Gopal Verma, the mercurial filmmaker when asked to react on this news said in his own cryptic style, “I am not bothered with what others earn. I am only bothered about myself, also, there is a big difference in drawing up a contract and paying the contractual amount,” and disconnected the phone.

Kareena Kapoor, when asked to comment on the development, was her usual bubbly self. “I think the producers are just playing a prank or a practical joke on the poor writer, but he should take it in good spirits. On the sets, even we all play pranks on each other like one big happy family,” she then went on for the next couple of hours on the importance of love and family bonding.

Sajid Nadiadwaala and Sajid Khan, who were enjoying a massage in Bangkok, were kind enough to take time off their vacation and offer a byte to this journalist: “Frankly, I am in no position to comment on this as I have never felt the need of employing a writer for any of my films, especially since Sajid (Khan) has joined our camp as a director.”

Faking News could finally locate the writer who pulled of this brilliant coup, and after much goading, he agreed to give a byte on the condition of anonymity. “Please don’t mention my name as my producer doesn’t want any controversy till the film is about to be released. He had plans to create this controversy just two weeks prior to the release, but I don’t know how you came to know about this. However, I’m happy as this is the best amount I’ve got it in my career spanning over 25 years.”

“Bajaj scooter,” is what the writer replied when Faking News asked how he intended to spend the money.

Talks to stop RGV from making movie on Anna’s movement fail

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 11:03:50 +0000

Mumbai. Members of the government and the civil society have come together to convince Ram Gopal Varma to drop his plans to make a movie, apparently titled “Anna Ki Aag”, based upon Anna Hazare’s anti-corruption movement. A secret panel consisting of some central ministers and civil society members has already had three rounds of talks with Ramu, but sources inform that the maverick filmmaker has not relented.

“We are trying our best, we have not lost all hopes,” Swami Agnivesh told Faking News. Agnivesh, whose appearance with Team Anna had become less frequent in the last few days, confirmed that he was involved in secret parleys with RGV on behalf of the civil society.

“Why should I stop making movies?” asks Ram Gopal Varma

“We were informed that Mr. Varma was planning a movie on the Jan Lokpal movement, and it gave us nightmares. We couldn’t have afforded another fast to oppose Mr. Varma,” Agnivesh clarified why the civil society chose the path of debates and discussions instead of going on indefinite fast.

Even the government agreed with the civil society on this issue and decided to work with the civil society again despite receiving heavy blows from them recently.

“We saw some problems arising out of ‘Aarakshan’ in the last few days, but we shuddered to imagine what Ramu’s movie will do to public senses. His Factory must be stopped,” said Home Minister P Chidambaram, who is representing government on the panel in talks with RGV.

It should be noted that Ram Gopal Varma has been making movies on topics that make national headlines in the last few years. His latest movie “Not a Love Story” that released today is also on the same lines.

Sources inform that Ram Gopal Varma has refused to back down even after three rounds of talks. He termed it as an attack on his right to free speech.

“We are trying to convince him to at least name it differently as wounds inflicted by ‘Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag’ have still not healed for many,” Agnivesh said, “And maybe if he can avoid casting Vivek Oberoi as Anna Hazare, though we have no problem if he plays Kapil Sibal.”

Prakash Jha agrees to replace all objectionable scenes in Aarakshan with random item songs

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 12:31:06 +0000

Mumbai. In order to maintain social harmony in the largest democracy of the world, filmmaker Prakash Jha has agreed to delete “objectionable” scenes from his upcoming movie Aarakshan, and replace them with random item songs showing cleavages of random women. The decision was taken after some political parties objected to some of the dialogues in the movie, which they thought could disturb peace and tranquility in the country.

“They told me that it could create even law and order problems,” Jha informed why he fell in line with the demands of the political parties, “They told me not to worry about the duration of the movie and its business prospects as they offered me ‘license’ to use any existing item song and put it in Aarakshan to compensate for the deleted scenes.”

“No producer will object to Prakash Jha using songs from his movie,” RPI leader Ramdas Athawale clarified, and requested Mr. Jha to especially use “Razia Gundon Mein Phans Gayi” item song featuring Mallika Sherawat, as it was his favorite song.

Apparently Indians can’t watch this movie without attacking each other, hence they must look the other way.

“We have just performed our duties as censor board, and we will perform our duties as a legal arbiter if there are any copyright or royalty disputes arising out of the use of the songs. The movie can be released now,” the RPI leader added.

Sources inform that earlier Prakash Jha had planned to go the SRK way by insisting on an uncut release of Aarakshan, and turning the movie into a “freedom of speech” flashpoint as Shah Rukh Khan had done with My Name Is Khan. He even tried to convince his crew.

“Amitabh Bachchan didn’t like the idea as he wanted to be politically correct, while other stars were already confused about issues surrounding the film after interacting with college students during film promotions,” a close aide of the filmmaker told Faking News, “Jhaji clearly missed someone like SRK, I guess.”

Nonetheless, Prakash Jha is hopeful of the movie doing well despite those important dialogues being replaced with item songs. He cited the example of the movie “Murder 2”, which was successful because it had an item song of Yana Gupta and various scenes showing Jacqueline Fernandez in short clothes.

“Yes, it was a socially responsible movie. Filmmakers should learn from Bhatts,” Ramdas Athawale said.

TV channel launches Reality Show with unborn babies as participants

Pagalam Ritam — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 08:23:03 +0000

Mumbai. TV channel “NDTVari Imagine” has decided to host a reality show with yet-to-be born babies as participants. The channel CEO told faking news that the idea was conceived based on a research, which showed that till date, apart from ghosts and embryos, all other kinds of souls have participated in reality shows.

The channel’s initial plan of hosting a reality show with ghost participants had to be scrapped because India TV – the only channel possessing exclusive knowledge about authentic Indian ghosts – refused to cooperate. Besides, since the whole nation is now awaiting the birth of the greatest actor of next to next generation – BigB’s baby’s baby – this concept looked much more relevant.

The show’s participants have already been selected from a group of would be celebrities, next-gen actors, and future strugglers. However, the participants’ genders will be revealed only after the channel receives the reports from the Haryana based pathological lab ‘Sach Ka Saamna’.

The parents of the participants were elated after getting the news of their babies’ selection.

The channel producers expect their TRPs to grow as fast as the babies

“We are excited,” said a euphoric couple, “After this crucial break, he can grow up in ‘Maa Exchange’, have his education in ‘Roadies’, experience his first love at ‘Splitsvilla’, break up in ‘Emotional Attyachaar’ and marriage in a ‘Swayamavar’. To sum up, his upbringing will make him every bit ready to participate in the biggest reality show in Indian television – the Parliament Sessions that they show on the Lok Sabha channel.”

The contestants in the show will be asked to perform several complex maneuvers like somersaults, kicks, rollovers, etc. Their performances will be judged by well-known professional judges like Archana Puran Singh and Anu Malik. The winner will be decided solely by SMS votes hence contestants’ ability to harness public sympathy will remain the most crucial stunt.

However, like the upcoming movie ‘Aarakshan’, the show concept has been rebuked by all the political parties.

The ruling party thinks that the idea is outdated by forty-two years and three months and should have been formulated when the savior of the world was about to be born. The opposition has protested the screening of the show citing it against Indian culture and has asked for the resignation of the channel CEO and the Prime Minister of India.

In other related news, reality show queen Rakhi Sawant was hugely disappointed as her participation in this show was rejected, because neither she was unborn nor she was pregnant. Sources inform that her desire to participate in this reality show could be the reason behind her recent interest in Baba Ramdev.

IIPM appoints Poonam Pandey as their brand ambassador

Ankur Jain — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 12:25:18 +0000

Mumbai. A week after she announced that she “would not mind trying for the IIMs”, Poonam Pandey has already become a business school icon. IIPM, in a coup of sorts, has announced that the Kingfisher calendar girl and a cricketing icon, Poonam was the new brand ambassador of the Mecca of management education, IIPM, which is ahead of all IIMs in terms of global exposure.

An IIPM marketing staff, who did not want to be named, informed that IIPM was “delighted” at catching this rare fish for their brand ambassadorship, for she had all the qualities the institute desired.

“She keeps her promises, is subdued in her own promotion, and wants to provide great services to the common man of India. All the qualities that IIPM stands for and espouses!” he said, with a twinkle in his eyes.

IIPM is planning to put up this poster of Poonam Pandey, which is currently her Twitter background, in their prospectus. The move is aimed at attracting fresh admissions to their campuses all over India.

He further informed that the brand ambassadorship of Shah Rukh Khan, who currently endorses education at IIMs by conducting quizzes on the campuses, has been called off with immediate effect after some IIPM students at Bangalore accused the Bollywood superstar of misleading them.

“Hopefully, now no one will question the messages conveyed by Poonam. She is a perfect fit for the institute’s image. Just as she has kept her promises so far, IIPM has also kept all its promises,” the IIPM staff claimed.

When reminded by this correspondent that Miss Pandey had still not kept her promise made before the World Cup, the staff clarified, “She has been misquoted and that too out of context. She meant the Football World Cup, not the Cricket one. And yes, India has to defeat Brazil in the final. She wants our football team to be number one.”

“In fact, this is another area where her image is similar to ours. She too is often misunderstood, just as we are. One just has to look at our great advertising and our great campuses to see that we are not making false promises,” he added.

On being further probed, the IIPM’s marketing staff conceded that Shah Rukh Khan was asking for too much money for brand ambassadorship.

“Guess he was looking to fund his Ra.One promotion expenses through IIPM money,” he revealed, “In fact, he even asked Arindam Sir to endorse the movie as there was ‘one’ in the movie title. He wanted our magazines to rank Ra.One as number one movie. But we are against paid news.”

When asked how much was offered to Poonam Pandey, he declined to give a figure but hinted, “She might get a paid job to teach a course on ‘Business and Personal Ethics’. If she takes it up, she will get a Ph.D thesis on ‘Respectful treatment of Women in Media’ free with that.”

“Of course,” the IIPM staff said when asked if Poonam Pandey will also get a laptop and a chance to visit Paris.

IIM Indore students offer to strip if Poonam Pandey gets admission

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 15:57:33 +0000

Indore. Students at IIM here have offered to strip naked if Poonam Pandey, a kind of no more struggling model, successfully manages to get admission in their institute. Students made this offer after Poonam claimed that she “did not mind” trying for IIMs if she were to study further.

“We will all run naked all across the campus if she makes it,” said Pratik, a second year MBA student who had waited full three weeks for Poonam Pandey to strip after India won the cricket world cup earlier this year.

“Unlike her, we will keep our words,” Pratik added, and claimed that at least 25 other students from the b-school were ready to strip naked along with him to “celebrate” Poonam’s achievement.

Poonam Pandey had promised to remove even those bit of clothes if India won the cricket world cup

The students have already written a letter to the model, who has been randomly appearing in newspapers and on television ever after she filled the Indian youth with the hope of having a desi version of Larissa Riquelme, the Paraguayan lingerie model.

“Please don’t come up with excuses that you have studied only till 10+2 and hence are ineligible to get into IIMs,” the letter appealed to the model who wants to get into Bollywood, “Now you can get admission in IIM Indore straight after 10+2.”

Poonam Pandey was not available for comments but experts believe that model, who recently bought a Mercedes, may not try for IIMs at all.

“She is already refusing remunerations running into 2 crore rupees and she can buy plush cars; why would she need an IIM degree?” an expert argued and asked the IIM Indore students to drop their plans.

However students are in no mood to relent. They have decided to mail the complete admission form and a postage stamp paid self-addressed envelope to Poonam Pandey so that she goes ahead and tries for the IIMs.

“And please don’t dare to think beyond the IIMs, we believe in your abilities,” the letter by the students appealed to Poonam Pandey.

Bhajji sues Deepika for calling Siddharth Mallya “doosara”

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 05:56:21 +0000

Mumbai. After suing Vijay Mallya’s UB Group for making fun of him in a TV ad, Harbhajan Singh has sent a legal notice to Deepika Padukone, an unattached member of the Mallya family, for making fun of his cricketing talents by referring Siddharth Mallya as “doosara”. Doosara, or ‘the other one’, is the name given to the googly bowled by the Indian off-spinner and is considered to be his most deadly weapon.

“Bhajji was very hurt by the media reports about Siddharth Mallya being called ‘doosara’ by Deepika Padukone. This clearly shows an organized and concerted attempt by the alcoholic family to mock and malign the reputation of my client after showing him in a poor light in a television ad earlier,” Arindam Chopra, lawyer of the Indian off-spinner told Faking News.

Harbhajan Singh has asked his fans to put up such posters all around Vijay Mallya’s houses and offices to scare the shit out of the man who dared to mock him.

The legal notice sent to Deepika Padukone asks the Bollywood damsel to explain her choice of words while addressing her boyfriend. The notice charges Deepika with a malicious intent aimed at mocking Harbhajan Singh’s tried and tested cricketing trick by comparing it with Siddharth Mallya, who is yet to prove his effectiveness.

Bhajji’s lawyer informed that in absence of any credible explanation by Deepika Padukone, he would be forced to file a lawsuit against the actress, charging her with defamation and for causing mental harassment to the cricketer. Deepika has been given three weeks to draft her reply.

“It can’t be just another nickname given by a girlfriend to her beau,” Arindam claimed, “The word ‘doosara’ has a special significance and is synonymous with Harbhajan Singh. It’s like the word ‘behenji’, which is synonymous with Mayawati. Do you think any brother would address his elder sister as ‘behenji’ next month on Rakhi?”

With a confident and celebratory smirk, Arindam claims that Deepika will have “tough time” explaining her conduct.

“A doosara swings the other way than expected, so does she mean that Siddharth swings both ways?” Arindam threw a poser, “She can’t claim that doosara means ‘the second one’ in her dictionary. Then who is ‘the first one’? Ranbir Kappor? Court will not buy that argument as that doesn’t account for Yuvraaj Singh.”

Faking News tried to reach Deepika for a comment but her answering machine asked us to contact her on her ‘doosara’ number.

Simi Garewal to play vampire in the upcoming Twilight movie

Tantanoo — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 04:40:02 +0000

Mumbai. Rumor mills in Bollywood are abuzz with talks of Bollywood veteran Simi Garewal being cast in the upcoming Twilight movie – Breaking Dawn, Part 1. Simi, who recently became a trending topic on Twitter without going on a fast unto death to protest against seven signs of ageing, is said to be very secretive about the project and is playing it really close to her heart.

The closest Simi came to being a vampire was when she played a ‘vamp’ in Karz, the 1980 movie without the extra three z’s and starring Rishi Kapoor, not to be confused with the Himesh Reshammiya’s 2008 masterpiece.

It is also rumored that she will be playing the nanny to Renesmee, Bella and Edward’s child in the Twilight movie.

Simi Garewall just posed and refused to comment when asked to comment on the rumors

Popularly called the ‘Phantom of the Oprah’, Simi’s previous venture in Hollywood, Tarzan goes to India (1962), is considered by many to be a gamechanger in the history of world cinema. Though her recent television show ‘India’s Most Desirable’, a sequel of popular crime show ‘India’s Most Wanted’ has received a lukewarm response from the audience, Simi is all set to conquer old hearts again.

Faking News quizzed Deepika Padukone about this development and she was all praise for Simi: “Simi is a wonderful, glittering person. I think she has this vampirish aura about her – always dressed in whites and shining wherever she goes – that makes her fit for this role. I think this is the best thing to have happened to Bollywood after Hiss.”

Popular art films director Ram Gopal Varma however had a mixed opinion of the news: “I can’t tell the difference between her and a Madame Tussuad’s. If wax is what the Twilight makers want, I think Simi is the best choice.”

“I am happy for her,” says popular Simi Garewal lookalike Cyrus Sahukar, who is said to be elated about this news as more and more people are lining up for his autograph considering him to be Simi.

But apparently Twilight’s makers are not only impressed by Simi’s ‘deadly’ features but also her TOEFL score. Simi had a 119 on her TOEFL and is second only to Barack Obama when it comes to speaking in English for painstakingly lengthy durations. Several detergent and cement brands are now approaching Simi for endorsement of their products.

She is also slated to act in the Bollywood remake of ‘The Dark Knight’ titled ‘Mera Naam Bhi Joker’. To top it all, there is another rumor going in Hollywood that Simi is set to play the wife of legendary wizard Gandalf in the upcoming movie ‘The Hobbits’.

“Gandalf The White and Simi The White are going to be the most awesome wizarding couple in the history of Middle-Earth,” an LOTR fan gushes on a forum.

If these rumors are true, all the Middletons and Sherawats of the world, beware, Simi Garewal is slated to become not only India’s but World’s most desirable.

(reported by Tantanoo)

Conman claiming to sell Oscars cheat Bollywood celebrities

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 08:14:57 +0000

Mumbai. After music composer Ismail Darbar accused fellow composer A R Rahman of bribing and “buying” his Academy Awards, a conman has been at large hoodwinking various Bollywood personalities into believing that he was an “agent” who could arrange for an Oscar at a price.

According to sources, this conman has duped at least a dozen Bollywood actors, producers and musicians in the last couple of days.

“There are a lot of Bollywood people who think movie awards could be bought with money and contacts,” Kushagra Kashyap, a Bollywood expert commented, “And I’m not surprised if they would believe a person claiming to sell Oscars; after all they have been dealing with such people at the domestic level.”

“It’s like convincing an Indian politician that Obama wins elections in the US because of his caste,” Kushagra added.

A lot of people in Bollywood think they can also get a handful of international awards now

Sources inform that this unidentified conman indeed had been able to convince many Bollywood personalities that he was a genuine agent of some Academy Auctions Inc. who could help them buy Academy Awards. With his smooth talk, the conman had got many celebrities “registered” for his services after they paid him $50,000 as the registration fee.

The conman then asked the registered members to get other Bollywood celebrities registered through them, a process resembling a pyramid scheme fraud, but the conman called it legitimate lobbying process for the Oscars.

“It was clearly a Speak Asia happening to Bollywood,” Kushagra pointed out.

Unconfirmed sources suggest that among those who registered for the scheme included Emraan Hashmi, who was promised “Best Actor in Bad Looks” award, and Uday Chopra, who was promised “Best Actor in Some Role” award.

The conman’s bluff was called off after he approached actor Rahul Bose and offered him an Oscar for “Best Actor in a Thinking Role”.

“I thought for a while and realized that no such category of awards existed,” Rahul Bose confirmed, “But he had vanished from my house by then. People in Bollywood need to be alert.”

After Kamina, Saala, and BoseDK, plan to sell commercial rights of Hindi gaalis

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 18 May 2011 07:06:53 +0000

New Delhi. Realizing that Bollywood songs with some Hindi gaali (cuss word) have been doing consistently well for years now and there could be a race to use as many gaalis as possible by the film producers in future, government is planning to sell commercial rights of Hindi gaalis to Bollywood.

A list of commercially available gaalis is being prepared by the Ministry of Human Resource & Development (HRD) and could soon be put up for auction by the end of the next month.

“We are starting with a list in Hindi, but soon we would come up with similar lists in other languages. Film producers of all Indian languages will be able buy the commercial rights for their exclusive use in their upcoming movies,” Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal informed.

Sibal, who is also a lover of languages and poetry, pointed out that Urdu poets from the times of Ghalib have been using near-gaalis like kambakht and nikamma in their poetry, while recently, poets like Gulzar have used mild-gaalis like kaminey in a literary manner.

Many movies revolving around Delhi and its culture have liberally used gaalis, and experts believe that trend would continue and spill over to other genres in future.

“And now we have Bhaag DK Bose, which clearly shows that the realms of literature and poetry are widening and so is the demand for gaalis,” Sibal opined, “In fact, I believe the whole concept of a non-literary gaali is notional. Gaalis don’t exist; they are mere words.”

Sibal further argued that since these “words” were created by the society over a period of time, they collectively belonged to the nation and the government had the rights to regulate their use. It was therefore decided that HRD ministry would identify “lucrative” gaalis in all Indian languages and prepare a central database for regulation and commercial licensing.

These gaalis will subsequently be put up for auction in IPL style and film producers will be asked to take part in a competitive bidding process to get exclusive rights on their use (in songs, dialogues, or movie titles) for a period of three years. After three years, the gaali will go back to HRD Ministry, which will auction it again for its use in the next season.

But there are some voices of dissent.

“This is arbitrary, historical facts must be taken into account before formulating any policy,” film producer Prakash Jha said, who used “maadarjaat” in his 2003 movie Gangaajal as a proxy to a hardcore-gaali used in north India. Jha claims that he should have the first right of refusal for the afore-not-mentioned gaali and not forced to pay an arbitrary price.

Similar statements were issued by the Pakistani group Zeest, who claim that their hit song “B.C. Sutta” should enable them for selling the commercial rights of the hardcore-gaali appearing in their song. They claim that the government of India’s actions amounted to another attack on sovereignty of Pakistan after US invaded their air-space.

Meanwhile the common citizens in India have mostly reacted with gaalis over the latest development.

“Kya chutiyaapa hai yaar,” said Arjun reacting to the government announcement, “But wait, I won’t mind if they bring down the rates of petrol and compensate the loss of revenues by selling gaalis! Not a bad idea @*%#&!”

Indian army locates secret hideout of Himesh Reshammiya

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 17 May 2011 08:38:41 +0000

Mumbai. After full four years since he launched his lethal “Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee – The Real Luv Story” on unsuspecting and unarmed citizens, Indian army claims to have located the secret hideout of Himesh Reshammiya. Army could conduct a live raid anytime and capture the maverick artist along with his weapons of mass destruction stashed in his hideout, a defense ministry official confirmed to Faking News.

“Unlike the Osama operation by US, this will not be a kill-or-capture operation,” Tanu Malik, an under-secretary in Minister of Defense said, “Although he is wanted for his excesses on Indian citizens, we want to capture him alive and use him as a tool against the Pakistani military and terrorist establishment.”

A file photo of Himesh that has been issued by the Defense Ministry

As per the defense ministry plans, Himesh would be captured and made to sing “Ek baar aaja aajaa aaja aaja aa-aa-aa-aaja”, which will then be beamed into terror camps running in Pakistan with help of flying loudspeakers fitted with stealth technology. Ministry feels that the step could force the terrorists to cross over into India, after which they can be arrested or killed by the army.

Although there is no precedent of such an operation, ministry officials believe this will work.

“I don’t think we need any hi-fi operation like what US did in Abbottabad. In fact, US should have tried unleashing Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black on Osama and the operation would have been equally effective,” Malik said.

The hideout of Himesh is reported to be somewhere in Mumbai that doubles up as the headquarters of his recently formed organization HR Musik, which is not yet on the list of banned organizations by any government, though experts believe that the situation could change soon.

“Himesh is all set to make his debut in Hollywood; this could force the international community to take some pre-emptive steps,” an expert said.

Man claims to be original son of Vijay Mallya, lays claim on Deepika Padukone

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 08:31:04 +0000

Bangalore. Sandeep Makkar, a US citizen of Indian origin living in India, has claimed that he was the “original” son of Vijay Mallya, who got swapped with the current “fake” son Siddharth Mallya at a US hospital, where both of them were born in 1987. Sandeep has demanded a DNA test to prove his claims, and wants to “lawfully” date Deepika Padukone by virtue of being the original son of the senior Mallya.

“I got suspicious when I was detained by LAPD last year on charges of drunken driving,” Sandeep informs how he found out his “roots”, “Medical reports confirmed presence of beer in my blood, although very minuscule and inconclusive to prove that I was drunk. I was let go by the police but I was shocked as I had never consumed any alcoholic beverages in my life. The doctor told me that maybe my parents were heavy drinkers, but I knew that even my parents were teetotalers.”

Faced with such an acute existentialist paradox, Sandeep decided to get to the root of the problem and found out that he was not the biological son of his parents, an Indian couple who migrated to US in 1986 and conceived their first child (who is in fact Siddharth Mallya according to Sandeep) in order to get a US citizenship.

“I always knew there was some problem as I had strong urges to gulp down a mug of beer each time my friends in college did that,” Sandeep told Faking News.

Sandeep claims Deepika is with the wrong guy

Sandeep claims that he and Siddharth Mallya were swapped by nurses working in a maternity hospital in Los Angeles, who were most probably befuddled after watching The Bold and the Beautiful, a soap opera that had premiered just a couple of weeks before his and Siddharth Mallya’s birth.

“One can check hospital records and TV schedules, and if there is still any doubt, I am ready for a DNA test,” he added.

“This solves so many problems and dilemmas of my life,” Sandeep said referring to him being the alleged original son of Vijay Mallya, and demanded that Deepika Padukone stopped dating the “fake” Junior Mallya, who was in fact “Siddharth Makkar”.

Sandeep denies that there was anything illegitimate or chauvinistic about him laying a claim over Deepika.

“Ask her if she would want to hang out with someone name Sandeep Mallya or Siddharth Makkar, and you’d get the answer,” he said.

Sandeep has warned that if Vijay Mallya and Deepika Padukone didn’t give him his “birthright”, he would file cases against them in an Indian as well as US court to “get his due”.

When contacted to comment, the office of Vijay Mallya gave Faking News twenty crates of chilled beer for free, and claimed that Sandeep Makkar was just a pissed-off fan of Deepika Padukone. After three mugs, we found that Sandeep was fraud.

Widespread scare as KRK could release Deshdrohi-2 trailer during Mohali match

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 06:56:28 +0000

Mumbai. Taking a leaf out of SRK’s book, when King Khan released the trailer of his upcoming movie Ra.One during the world cup quarter-final match between India and Australia, Kamaal Rashid Khan aka KRK, the maverick Bollywood character, has announced his intentions to release the trailer of his upcoming movie Deshdrohi-2 during the semi-final match between India and Pakistan, to be played at Mohali next Wednesday.

“Oh god, noooooooooooo,” said Sandeep, who was recently exposed to the original Deshdrohi movie, which was banned in Maharashtra, when it was being telecast on some movies channel, “He should be stopped. He could prepone the doomsday predicted by the Mayan calendar. He believes in it!”

Many people believe that such scenes during the cricket match could widely upset and unsettle the Indian fans and push them into rowdy behavior against the visiting Pakistani team.

According to trusted sources, the trailer of the movie, which has KRK playing an Anti-Terrorist Squad officer, would not only be shown during the commercial breaks, but would also be mentioned during the pre and post-match debate on the official broadcaster Star Cricket, hosted by Harsha Bhogle and Navjot Singh Siddhu.

“Gosh! Does that mean we would see Siddhu and KRK together?” wondered another petrified cricket fan, who called for a blanket ban on future plans of film promotions during cricket matches.

KRK had announced the production of Deshdrohi-2 more than two years ago, and filming of the movie had started subsequently. Confident that his movie would give Ra.One a run for its money, KRK refused to change his mind on releasing the trailer during the much awaited semi-final match.

“If they allowed SRK to jump over buildings and cars during the overs, why the hell they are stopping me?” KRK protested and “warned” against any attempts to stop him from releasing his movie during the match.

Worried of the consequences, BCCI and the central government too have moved in, and reports suggest that a “compromise formula” was being worked out with KRK.

“KRK could be paid a few crore rupees and a lifetime free supply of his favorite milk from Holland and drinking-water from Paris,” informed a source, “In return, he has to agree to release the trailer only in the dressing room of the Pakistani team; that will also give India an upper hand in the match.”

Arindam Chaudhuri launches political party, to contest Bengal elections

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 16:00:23 +0000

Kolkata. Sick of his criticism of economic, social, and other policies falling on the deaf ears of the political class, management guru Arindam Chaudhuri has decided to join politics and change the face of India forever. He has announced formation of a political party called Intelligent Indian Political Movement (IIPM), which would be fielding candidates on each and every seat in the upcoming West Bengal assembly elections.

“Dare to think beyond Didi, Dada or Buddha!” the charismatic leader gave his trademark call for change to the people of West Bengal in a press conference early today, “Give a chance to IIPM; we are already number one in terms of fielding the number of candidates.”

The election symbol, not yet approved by Election Commission of India, of IIPM has been chosen as a “Pony”. Prof. Chaudhuri claimed that it was modeled on the “Donkey” symbol of the Democratic Party of USA and rejected any other symbolism whatsoever.

To begin with, IIPM has got only a national president in Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri, who called on enterprising and upright citizens of India to join him and strengthen the party structure. Prof. Chaudhuri gave a “free” manifesto of the party on the occasion and informed that IIPM was looking for eligible candidates for the elections.

“The selected candidates would get a free laptop and would get to visit the campus of Harvard Kennedy School of Government,” Prof. Chaudhuri declared and accused other political parties like the DMK in Tamil Nadu, which had recently announced free laptops for voters, of copying his style of working.

“At IIPM, we have always practiced today what others follow tomorrow,” Prof. Chaudhuri reiterated, though rejected any possibility of IIPM fielding candidates in the upcoming Tamil Nadu elections, “Our current focus is West Bengal, but we would surely open our branches in other states of India once we form the government in West Bengal.”

In its manifesto, IIPM has promised to turn West Bengal into “number one” state in India on some parameter that would be disclosed later.

“Our talks are in the final stages,” Prof. Chaudhuri responded when a journalist asked if Shah Rukh Khan would be invited to campaign for his party.

When Faking News asked if IIPM was recognized by the Election Commission of India, Prof. Chaudhuri said that he would select a Chief Minister after the election results were announced.