Faking News » Movies

Don’t become MacMohan of Hollywood, fans plead with Anil Kapoor

Vipul K Rawal — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 08:12:39 +0000

Mumbai. Versova Police today arrested a man for breaking into Anil Kapoor’s house. The man, who has legally changed his name to Romeo Jhakaas, claims to be a diehard fan of Anil Kapoor and told the police that he had gone there just to impart some career guidance to Anil Kapoor.

After being let off with a warning, Romeo talked to this journalist in detail about what transpired.

“For the past one year, I have been eagerly waiting for Mission Impossible 4 just because it had Anil Kapoor in it. In fact, it was I who started tweeting and blogging when his picture didn’t feature on the movie poster. It was only after that, they put his picture on the poster,” Romeo claimed.

MacMohan, who played Sambha in the superhit movie Sholay, used to perform outstanding 3-minutes roles in Bollywood.

During the movie, Romeo got a phone call from Juliet Dixit, his girlfriend, and being a cultured moviegoer, he got out of the movie hall to have a quick chat. He returned after three minutes, his shortest phone conversation ever with his girlfriend, and was shocked to realize that he had missed Anil Kapoor’s role as a result. He couldn’t believe this horror.

“Bloody I went back and bought the ticket for the next show. I didn’t even go to bathroom this time. And WTF! Anil was there in the film only for 3 minutes! And there too he kept getting beaten and slapped by the heroine! Come on, he was visible on screen for more time even as Mr. India, the invisible man!” said a visibly traumatized Romeo.

When probed gently what has that got to do with him breaking into Anil Kapoor’s house, Romeo said that he wanted to offer some sound career advice to his idol.

“I don’t want him to become MacMohan of Hollywood,” the diehard fan of Sonam Kapoor’s father said, “Do you know Anil Kapoor is the only Bollywood star who doesn’t do ads. The only ad he did was for the Mont Blanc pen, which also upset me, because that pen should have been presented to his brother Boney Kapoor and not to him by his father.”

When contacted by Faking News, Anil Kapoor laughed it off but reiterated that his 3-minute role in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol offered him a range of emotions that a normal full length Hindi movie never offered him. Also, it gave him a chance to project an urbane, suave, hawttt Indian man, which people in the west have no idea about.

However, the producers of the movie are taking no risks and have secured themselves against any attack on theaters on studios by angry Anil Kapoor fans. Sources say that the producers are thinking of hiring TV serial producer Ekta Kapoor, who is expert in converting a 3-minutes story into a 30-minutes full blown episode.

Censor cuts Emraan Hashmi scenes to reduce obscenity in The Dirty Picture

Mouthful — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 07:19:48 +0000

Mumbai. After some groups expressed concerns over the likely sleazy content in the upcoming movie The Dirty Picture, which is based on the life of soft porn actress Silk Smitha, Censor Board met early today to remove all potentially obscene scenes and release a “cleaner” version of the movie. However, the producers of the movie were shocked to receive the culled prints without the appearance of Emraan Hashmi, except for a minute or two after the interval and a 13 second flashback near the end.

“We were relieved to see that none of the scenes, where Vidya had a loud sexual body language, were removed. We were about to celebrate when a spotboy pointed out that Emraan Hashmi was missing from the movie,” Ekta Kapoor, producer of the movie said, “And then we watched the movie again, and he was right! There was no Emraan! Censor had removed those scenes or blurred his face!”

One of the scenes where Emraan Hashmi's face was modified by the Censor Board to make the movie cleaner

The censor seemed to have used some software that identified the parts of the movie where Emraan appeared and chopped them off. It modified his face if Vidya Balan too was in the same frame.

Initially the producers thought to keep quiet as nobody might notice the absence of Emraan Hashmi till Vidya Balan showed her cleavage and flashed her belly flab, but lawyers argued that Emraan might ask for a compensation for this “insult”.

“There was a risk of him teaming up with his uncle Mahesh Bhatt and accusing us of communal agenda,” senior member of the production team told Faking News on conditions of anonymity, “We don’t want to get into any such shit as we are here to do business, nothing else.”

As a result, the producers have appealed to the board to reconsider their decision to remove Emraan Hashmi from the movie.

“What! We are obliged to play a responsible role,” explained Leela Samson, chairman of the board, “We had invited members of the civil society and all of them found Emraan much more vulgar, cheap, and obscene than Vidya Balan. Parents didn’t want their kids to grow up and be like Emraan. In fact, they were perfectly fine if their kids grew up to be like Tusshar Kapoor!”

Censor Board sources say that initially the board members favored removing Tusshar Kapoor scenes too from the film, as they feared that it could incite some viewers’ psyche and might push them to indulge in acts of vandalism or violence.

“Tusshar getting to kiss Vidya could have infuriated many male viewers,” a board member explained the rationale, “However we decided to remove Emraan as our mandate is clean and sensible cinema, not law and order.”

Naseeruddin Shah, the only actor that was deemed non-controversial by the board, refused to comment on the censor’s move. However he just pointed out that now, with Emraan out of the movie, the whole onus would be on Vidya to allure the youth. Naseer also added that while on the sets he had warned Emraan to change ‘that look’ in his eyes but he didn’t listen.

Censor Board was not willing to budge from its stand till reports last came in, so it remains a mystery what viewers will get to see when the movie releases tomorrow. The movie has already been banned in Pakistan.

Sadda Haq: Ranbir Kapoor hopeful of replacing Che Guevara on t-shirts

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:58:16 +0000

Mumbai. With the song “Sadda Haq” from Rockstar movie getting rave reviews and hyped to be the “youth anthem” of India, Ranbir Kapoor is hopeful of replacing Che Guevara on t-shirts that many Indian youth wear. Ranbir plays the lead role in Rockstar and is confident that the success of the movie will cement his position as the pop revolutionary of India and inspire the current generation to “do something”.

“With Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi having been proved corrupt by the current government, the youth of India needs a new hero, and Jordan will fill this vacuum,” Ranbir told Faking News. Jordan is the name of the character Ranbir plays in the movie who sings the song “Sadda Haq, Aithe Rakh”.

He could soon be on t-shirts

Since Jordan is a fictitious character, Ranbir is hopeful that the integrity and honesty of the latest hero can’t be questioned by anyone, not even by Digvijay Singh.

The video of the song features images of activists from Kashmir and Punjab and a bunch of young men waving Tibetan flag – issues that Team Anna failed to touch, or were slapped when they tried to touch.

“I am confident that they won’t slap Ranbir,” Rockstar director Imtiaz Ali said, “The lyrics of the songs are not controversial and don’t make any direct reference to any political conflict. Furthermore, we have also taken extra precautions such as not to call Mumbai as Bombay.”

Ranbir and Imtiaz are hopeful that political themes depicted in the song’s video will be a big hit with the Indian youth. Even if someone missed the political themes, the duo is confident that visuals of Ranbir Kapoor flashing his middle finger in air would definitely connect with the modern rebels.

“Like Ra.One merchandises, we are planning to sell Ranbir Kapoor t-shirts, which will be printed totally like the Che Guevara t-shirts,” Imtiaz hoped that the youth would sport them to prove a point.

“Excellent! Would love to see Ranbir in this get up,” a young man wearing Che Guevara t-shirt reacted to the news, “But Che will continue to be my all-time favorite guitarist.”

Ra.One fuljhari launched for Diwali, won’t stop till you watch the movie

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 09:25:56 +0000

Mumbai. Shah Rukh Khan has launched a special series of fuljhari (sparklers) for Diwali, which will keep burning till you douse it with a piece of paper that smells like popcorn and is soaked in cold drinks. This is the latest promotional campaign that King Khan has taken to promote his upcoming movie Ra.One, which also happens to be the brand name of the newly launched fuljhari.

“The idea is not force people to watch the movie,” SRK said while launching the fuljhari, “We want people to feel the spirit of the festival, and also enjoy the whole process of going to watch movies. That’s why we are encouraging them not to forget the taste of Pepsi and the aroma of popcorn that they would relish during the screening of the movie.”

Coming soon to celebrate Diwali with you

Pepsi has been roped in as the promotional partner in the latest campaign that asks people to preserve a piece of paper, which they will find in the popcorn bucket that they must buy during the interval of Ra.One.

“Ra.One sparklers won’t have a handle and one must douse it before it burns your finger,” Anubhav Karna, a campaign designer informed Faking News, “You can’t douse it with ordinary water or paper; you must use the paper that you found in the popcorn bucket during the interval of Ra.One. Just soak it in Pepsi and apply it on the sparkler; it will stop burning within seconds.”

These special Ra.One sparklers will be available from tomorrow onwards in some chosen shops selling crackers for Diwali. The Ra.One team has also thought of a special campaign so that common citizens don’t have trouble spotting such shops selling these special fuljharis.

“The shopkeepers at such shops will be wearing Ra.One masks,” SRK explained as his fans clapped and appreciated the innovative and hugely helpful idea.

“I just want you guys to be happy celebrating Diwali and this is just a token gift from me,” the Bollywood superstar said.

After Rajini and Big B, SRK offers Dravid a role in Ra.One

Guest Patrakar — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 07:49:33 +0000

Bangalore. In a surprising turn of events, cricketer Rahul Dravid has been offered a cameo in SRK’s upcoming movie Ra.One, which is being aggressively marketed across the country. Shah Rukh Khan has already roped in superstars Rajinikanth and Amitabh Bachchan for the movie and had plans to rope in master blaster Sachin Tendulkar, but chain of events led to Rahul Dravid being offered the role.

“Tendulkar refused the role citing the term ‘one’ being in the movie title,” a close aide of SRK revealed, “He is still waiting for that ‘one’ century to complete his century of centuries, and didn’t want to jinx anything by taking up any other ‘one’ before he got that ‘one’.”

Although SRK’s team initially thought of roping in cricketers like Dhoni or Bhajji, who have proved their acting skills in advertisements, they decided to ask Rahul Dravid as it would complete SRK’s marketing plan for the South Indian states.

“Already there’s some hype for the movie in the Tamil and Telugu sectors. Now taking Dravid for another cameo will spread Ra.One’s market in Kannada too,” Ra.One’s producer Gauri Khan said.

Shahrukh Khan announcing a new role for Dravid

With just a few days to go before the movie’s release date, Dravid has been asked to get into the IPL mode for his role. The stylish batsman has been offered the role of Chinni robot, which is going to fight against Chitti – The Rajini robot.

However, experts have warned that a fight between Kannada and Tamil heroes could reignite the Kaveri River water dispute – something that has excited SRK, for a political controversy had helped market his last movie “My Name Is Khan”.

But fans seem to be in no mood to create any controversy. “An action sequence that too just before the release? I am very happy that Jammy is finally being acknowledged for his slog overs batting instinct,” a fan of Dravid reacted when asked for comments.

“Hope the robo fight will turn out to be a mind blowing sequence. I’m excited to see if Rajini’s punch dialogues can drill through The Wall,” Ballebasha a fan of both Dravid and Rajini said. He is even ready to put Rs. 10,000 for the ticket.

“That’s crap; I’m not interested in creating any controversy. ‘Rahul’ has been my favorite screen name and that’s why I chose Dravid,” SRK said. When asked if he could bid for Dravid for the next edition of IPL, SRK said, “I won’t mind doing that once I start working on Ra.Two. In fact I’m looking to rope in Dada (Sourav Ganguly) too.”

Rahul Dravid is happy but a little nervous at the development. Only a few days back he had said that he was a very bad actor. “I meant that. I’m bad at acting; but let’s see how this goes,” Dravid told Faking News.

When contacted for his comments, Ganguly said, “I am a very bad politician.”

(submitted by Keshavcharan Vedanabhatla)

Prakash Jha agrees to replace all objectionable scenes in Aarakshan with random item songs

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 12:31:06 +0000

Mumbai. In order to maintain social harmony in the largest democracy of the world, filmmaker Prakash Jha has agreed to delete “objectionable” scenes from his upcoming movie Aarakshan, and replace them with random item songs showing cleavages of random women. The decision was taken after some political parties objected to some of the dialogues in the movie, which they thought could disturb peace and tranquility in the country.

“They told me that it could create even law and order problems,” Jha informed why he fell in line with the demands of the political parties, “They told me not to worry about the duration of the movie and its business prospects as they offered me ‘license’ to use any existing item song and put it in Aarakshan to compensate for the deleted scenes.”

“No producer will object to Prakash Jha using songs from his movie,” RPI leader Ramdas Athawale clarified, and requested Mr. Jha to especially use “Razia Gundon Mein Phans Gayi” item song featuring Mallika Sherawat, as it was his favorite song.

Apparently Indians can’t watch this movie without attacking each other, hence they must look the other way.

“We have just performed our duties as censor board, and we will perform our duties as a legal arbiter if there are any copyright or royalty disputes arising out of the use of the songs. The movie can be released now,” the RPI leader added.

Sources inform that earlier Prakash Jha had planned to go the SRK way by insisting on an uncut release of Aarakshan, and turning the movie into a “freedom of speech” flashpoint as Shah Rukh Khan had done with My Name Is Khan. He even tried to convince his crew.

“Amitabh Bachchan didn’t like the idea as he wanted to be politically correct, while other stars were already confused about issues surrounding the film after interacting with college students during film promotions,” a close aide of the filmmaker told Faking News, “Jhaji clearly missed someone like SRK, I guess.”

Nonetheless, Prakash Jha is hopeful of the movie doing well despite those important dialogues being replaced with item songs. He cited the example of the movie “Murder 2”, which was successful because it had an item song of Yana Gupta and various scenes showing Jacqueline Fernandez in short clothes.

“Yes, it was a socially responsible movie. Filmmakers should learn from Bhatts,” Ramdas Athawale said.

After Kamina, Saala, and BoseDK, plan to sell commercial rights of Hindi gaalis

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 18 May 2011 07:06:53 +0000

New Delhi. Realizing that Bollywood songs with some Hindi gaali (cuss word) have been doing consistently well for years now and there could be a race to use as many gaalis as possible by the film producers in future, government is planning to sell commercial rights of Hindi gaalis to Bollywood.

A list of commercially available gaalis is being prepared by the Ministry of Human Resource & Development (HRD) and could soon be put up for auction by the end of the next month.

“We are starting with a list in Hindi, but soon we would come up with similar lists in other languages. Film producers of all Indian languages will be able buy the commercial rights for their exclusive use in their upcoming movies,” Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal informed.

Sibal, who is also a lover of languages and poetry, pointed out that Urdu poets from the times of Ghalib have been using near-gaalis like kambakht and nikamma in their poetry, while recently, poets like Gulzar have used mild-gaalis like kaminey in a literary manner.

Many movies revolving around Delhi and its culture have liberally used gaalis, and experts believe that trend would continue and spill over to other genres in future.

“And now we have Bhaag DK Bose, which clearly shows that the realms of literature and poetry are widening and so is the demand for gaalis,” Sibal opined, “In fact, I believe the whole concept of a non-literary gaali is notional. Gaalis don’t exist; they are mere words.”

Sibal further argued that since these “words” were created by the society over a period of time, they collectively belonged to the nation and the government had the rights to regulate their use. It was therefore decided that HRD ministry would identify “lucrative” gaalis in all Indian languages and prepare a central database for regulation and commercial licensing.

These gaalis will subsequently be put up for auction in IPL style and film producers will be asked to take part in a competitive bidding process to get exclusive rights on their use (in songs, dialogues, or movie titles) for a period of three years. After three years, the gaali will go back to HRD Ministry, which will auction it again for its use in the next season.

But there are some voices of dissent.

“This is arbitrary, historical facts must be taken into account before formulating any policy,” film producer Prakash Jha said, who used “maadarjaat” in his 2003 movie Gangaajal as a proxy to a hardcore-gaali used in north India. Jha claims that he should have the first right of refusal for the afore-not-mentioned gaali and not forced to pay an arbitrary price.

Similar statements were issued by the Pakistani group Zeest, who claim that their hit song “B.C. Sutta” should enable them for selling the commercial rights of the hardcore-gaali appearing in their song. They claim that the government of India’s actions amounted to another attack on sovereignty of Pakistan after US invaded their air-space.

Meanwhile the common citizens in India have mostly reacted with gaalis over the latest development.

“Kya chutiyaapa hai yaar,” said Arjun reacting to the government announcement, “But wait, I won’t mind if they bring down the rates of petrol and compensate the loss of revenues by selling gaalis! Not a bad idea @*%#&!”

Widespread scare as KRK could release Deshdrohi-2 trailer during Mohali match

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 06:56:28 +0000

Mumbai. Taking a leaf out of SRK’s book, when King Khan released the trailer of his upcoming movie Ra.One during the world cup quarter-final match between India and Australia, Kamaal Rashid Khan aka KRK, the maverick Bollywood character, has announced his intentions to release the trailer of his upcoming movie Deshdrohi-2 during the semi-final match between India and Pakistan, to be played at Mohali next Wednesday.

“Oh god, noooooooooooo,” said Sandeep, who was recently exposed to the original Deshdrohi movie, which was banned in Maharashtra, when it was being telecast on some movies channel, “He should be stopped. He could prepone the doomsday predicted by the Mayan calendar. He believes in it!”

Many people believe that such scenes during the cricket match could widely upset and unsettle the Indian fans and push them into rowdy behavior against the visiting Pakistani team.

According to trusted sources, the trailer of the movie, which has KRK playing an Anti-Terrorist Squad officer, would not only be shown during the commercial breaks, but would also be mentioned during the pre and post-match debate on the official broadcaster Star Cricket, hosted by Harsha Bhogle and Navjot Singh Siddhu.

“Gosh! Does that mean we would see Siddhu and KRK together?” wondered another petrified cricket fan, who called for a blanket ban on future plans of film promotions during cricket matches.

KRK had announced the production of Deshdrohi-2 more than two years ago, and filming of the movie had started subsequently. Confident that his movie would give Ra.One a run for its money, KRK refused to change his mind on releasing the trailer during the much awaited semi-final match.

“If they allowed SRK to jump over buildings and cars during the overs, why the hell they are stopping me?” KRK protested and “warned” against any attempts to stop him from releasing his movie during the match.

Worried of the consequences, BCCI and the central government too have moved in, and reports suggest that a “compromise formula” was being worked out with KRK.

“KRK could be paid a few crore rupees and a lifetime free supply of his favorite milk from Holland and drinking-water from Paris,” informed a source, “In return, he has to agree to release the trailer only in the dressing room of the Pakistani team; that will also give India an upper hand in the match.”

Dev Anand claims Lagaan was remake of Awwal Number, plans to release it in B&W

Vipul K Rawal — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 10:24:37 +0000

Mumbai. While watching the Pakistan vs. Kenya match last night, the evergreen Dev Anand suddenly realized that his 1990 movie “Awwal Number” starring Aamir Khan and himself was remade into “Lagaan” by Aamir without any due credits. At the hastily called press conference in the middle of the night, the immaculately dressed Dev Saab addressed the media in his own customary style.

“While watching the match, I realized that the script sounded familiar, and then it struck me like a bolt of lightning that I had seen a similar film starring Aamir Khan,” said Dev Saab in crisp, clear properly enunciated words, “I immediately woke up Sunil (his son) and asked him to fetch the DVD’s of both Awwal Number and Lagaan. And oh my my! Didn’t Aamir get the idea of Lagaan when he acted in my movie?”

Aamir Khan sitting (left) in Awwal Number and standing (right) in Lagaan, holding a cricket bat on both the occasions

Most of the journalists present at the conference made notes but had no questions to ask because either they were half asleep or had not seen Awwal Number, but the 87-year-old actor reiterated that the theme of a cricketing underdog with a passion to do or die for his country was originally showcased in his movie.

Dev Saab then announced that he has decided to re-release “Awwal Number” in black-and-white.

“You see, most of my audience remembers me for my Black and White films. I also realized it last night that ever since I started making color movies, except a few, most of them were not seen by anybody including my own family members,” he said pointing at a sleepy Sunil. Main Solah Baras Ki, Love in Time Square, Mr. Prime Minister, Censor and Chargesheet are some of those movies.

When asked what could be the reason for this, Dev Saab was candid enough to admit that all his movies were way ahead of its times and the audience was not that mature or sensible to understand complex scripts and real life characters. For example, in Mr. Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of India sings a rap song at the Gateway of India.

“How can the audience appreciate that when they have a Prime Minister who hardly speaks?” Dev Anand strongly defended his movies.

So why does he think Awwal Number in black-and-white would be a success when it was originally a failure in color?

“World Cup fever!” Dev Saab quipped, before adding, “Furthermore, I’ve been watching MTV Roadies auditions. The society is changing and the IQ levels are changing dramatically; guess they’d now appreciate my earlier movies.”

Meanwhile Aamir Khan refused to comment over this latest controversy of credits to hit him after 3 Idiots and Peepli [Live]. But author Chetan Bhagat has come out in support of Dev Saab and offered to write a book with a numeric friendly title “Nau Do Gyarah”, which is also the name of an old movie of Dev Anand.

Ra.One adjudged Best Film in Filmfare awards for unreleased movies

Vipul K Rawal — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 06:51:44 +0000

Mumbai. To make Bollywood awards as “transparent” and “genuine” as possible, Filmfare, the leading awards manufacturer presenter, has decided to institute an award for the “unreleased” movies slated to release the following year. The inaugural awards were swept by Shah Rukh Khan, who won in various categories for his upcoming movies Ra.One and Don-2.

While Don-2 bagged the awards for Best Special Effects, Best Original Remake and Best Direction categories, his home production Ra.One won him awards for the Best Actor and Best Film categories. In addition to that, Ajrun Rampal too bagged the trophy for the Best Villain for his role in the yet to be released Ra.One.

Bollywood awards nights have been celebrating talents and skills like event management, sponsorships, television advertising, professional networking, news reporting, fashion wearing, singing, dancing, and joking.

Filfare announced that the awards for the “unreleased” movies have been instituted to encourage film makers of the under-production movies to give their best during the production of the film so that the quality of Indian cinema improves.

But not everyone agrees.

“If they really wanted to award talent, why didn’t they start it last year when Dhobi Ghat was being filmed?” wondered Kiran Rao, whose husband Aamir Khan nodded but refused to comment over the issue as a matter of principle and policy.

But some critics believe that the awards for the “unreleased” movies are the best thing to have happened to the Bollywood awards industry.

“Now all you need is a list of actors, synopsis of script, details of promoters and promotional posters of the film to determine talent. It can’t get any more real!” said a critic, who has been following various Bollywood awards given by various gossip magazines.

“Well yeah, the process to select the winners won’t be any different from what they are already doing,” the critic conceded, “But look at the brighter side, now they can award Katrina Kaif as the Best Actress and no one can criticize that logically!”

Filmfare award organizer Khalid Mohamed was very upset with these insinuations. “It’s a genuine effort to respect talent; else we could have started this category when both my films Fiza and Tehzeeb were under production. I have personally lost a lot of friends in this industry because of heartbreaks over awards,” he said.

When asked who his best friend was, Khalid said, “I have always respected Shahrukh as he realizes the importance of friendship and has stood by me in my thick and thin.”

Sourav Ganguly to star in Dabangg-2 along with Salman Khan

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 08:00:23 +0000

Mumbai. Sourav Ganguly had decided to go all out against Shah Rukh Khan for not having retained him for the fourth season of IPL. The former Indian captain has decided to join hands with SRK’s Bollywood enemy Salman Khan and agreed to play a role in the sequel to the superhit movie Dabangg. Dada would be seen beating the hell out of an SRK’s lookalike in the movie.

“After Salman Khan refused to accept the apology of SRK that was issued on a television show instead of being offered in person, Dada too decided to refuse the support that was shown by SRK in newspapers instead of extending the same on the auction floor,” said a source, explaining what brought Dada and Salman together.

Salman Khan has already started rehearsing for the planned movie with Sourav Ganguly

Following the principle of “enemy of an enemy is a friend”, Dada and Salman decided to join hands and almost immediately it was decided that Dada would play a role in the sequel to Salman’s Dabangg.

“They decided the script in a few minutes,” our source informed, “as was the case with the original movie.”

According to our trusted sources, Dabangg-2 too would see a new villain, Pota Singh, to be played by an SRK lookalike, who would kill Salman’s i.e. Chulbul Pandey’s brother Makhkhi (Arbaaz Khan) during a village cricket match for bowling a bouncer.

Following the brutal murder, Chulbul would vow to avenge the death of his brother and team up with Pota Singh’s estranged opening partner Daddu Singh, to be played by Sourav Ganguly, and finally kill Pota Singh even more brutally in the middle of the same cricket ground.

“Deepika Padukone and Siddharth Mallya are being roped in for an item song, where they would dance as cheerleaders in the same cricket ground, but they are non-committal as of yet,” our source further informed.

Shooting for the movie is slated to begin “anytime, anywhere” according to the sources, and the producers are planning to release it along with SRK’s upcoming movie Ra.One to rub salt on SRK’s wounds.

“Just like he had done with Dada by issuing out that statement,” our source explained.

Rajinikanth sweeps Nobel Prizes, wins awards in all categories for inventing Robot

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 10:03:35 +0000

Oslo, Norway. Scandinavian committees presenting Nobel Prizes in various fields have jointly decided to “indefinitely postpone” the bestowment of 2010 awards to the earlier announced recipients, and have instead chosen to hand over all the awards to Rajinikanth for developing an andro-humanoid robot called Chitti.

Chitti, the Robot, has been reckoned by the committees as an “outstanding contribution” to the fields of Physics, Chemistry, Physiology, and Peace, while the script of the Tamil movie Enthiran, which is based on the life and achievements of Chitti, has been regarded as an “outstanding work in an ideal direction” in the field of Literature, thus completing a clean sweep of Nobel Prizes for Rajinikanth.

“Pentium Ultra Core Millennia V2 processor with a speed of One Terra Hz and a memory of One Zeta Byte,” pointed out a member of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences about the physical properties of Chitti that also included being water resistant and fire resistant.

Chitti, the robot developed by Rajinikanth

“What more do you need in the field of Physics at this point of time?” asked the member.

Chitti’s ability to successfully perform a complex child delivery operation as a doctor, which bettered what Phunsukh Wangdu i.e. Aamir Khan could do in 3 Idiots, clinched the deal for Rajini in the field of Physiology or Medicine.

“It’s not just about movies. Robot is bigger than the Oscars,” said another member of Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, who favored the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for Rajinikanth for unraveling and codifying the most complex chemical processes behind human emotions and transferring them successfully to Chitti, who could develop emotions like anger, jealousy, and love as a result.

Although Chitti was developed as a one-man-army to fight terrorists in Kashmir, the Norwegian Nobel Committee was mighty impressed with Chitti’s emotional speech at the time of evaluation by the Indian Army, where Chitti makes a strong case for world peace, appealing to the Indian soldiers to drop guns and hold dupattas of their beloveds.

“We believe this would be the most non-controversial Nobel Peace Prize ever declared,” hoped a committee member, who texted Chinese President Hu Jintao to “chillax” as the award to the Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo stood “suspended till further notice” as a result of this decision.

When asked why Rajini was chosen to be presented with the Nobel Prize in Literature for Enthiran, even though the script was written by director S. Shankar, a member of the Swedish Academy retorted, “Would the script have made any sense without Rajini in it?”

Economics was the only field where Rajinikanth was not “yet” awarded the Nobel Prize for this year, but the Nobel Committee justified the decision pointing out that the Nobel Prize in Economics was actually a Nobel Memorial Prize, and hence technically not a Nobel Prize, even though it’s commonly believed to be so by everyone.

“The success of Enthiran and Robot is a great lesson in economics itself,” said a member, “we are thinking of establishing a Rajinikanth Prize for Economics as a token of recognition.”

The Scandinavian committees have left it upon Rajinikanth to decide the date, time and venue for bestowment of the awards.

Indian husbands forgive Ekta Kapoor after watching Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai

GenuineFaker — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 06:52:25 +0000

New Delhi. In a historic move, the aam aadmi of India has forgiven Ekta Kapoor for all her television serials, after watching the recent Bollywood release, Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai, produced by her Balaji Telefilms. “It was a difficult thing to do, but we Indians always forgive the people lost in mornings when they come back home in the evenings to face the latest episode of Bandini on Star One,” says moviegoer Vishal, echoing the sentiments of crores of married Indian males.

However, the wave of forgiveness is progressing slowly, as millions of saas-bahu-tormented husbands are finding it hard to believe that it indeed is the same Ekta Kapoor who has produced this iconic film based in 1970s Mumbai.

“But I didn’t feel even once that the story was being stretched out like a bubble gum,” exclaims accountant Rajat Dahiya, whose wife Anju forces him to watch two serials every night in the name of spending ‘quality family time’ together. “Well yes, there were near-death experiences, heavily bejeweled women and Bollywood item songs, just like the serials,” he concedes, “but in the movie, they were all appropriate for the storyline!”

The eyes of Ajay Devgan have received a lot of positive reviews again for their intensity

But a few were disappointed too. Anju says, “I thought if Ajay (Devgan) and Emraan (Hashmi) were a sasur-daamaad duo, the storyline would have been just fantastic!”

On the other hand those who did notice Ekta Kapoor’s hand were in for a pleasant surprise. “Having seen the Balaji Telefilms logo in the beginning, I had resigned myself to 3 hours of the usual torture of misunderstandings, treachery and family values,” recalls Subhash Sharma, businessman. “But when I didn’t see any scheming aunts or hapless newlywed brides even 10 minutes into the movie, my confidence grew. By the interval, I had completely forgotten that the movie had anything to do with Ekta Kapoor. Goes on to show that the cat can still go for Hajj after eating nine hundred mice.. err.. I mean producing nine thousand episodes.”

“Ekta’s pilgrimage began in 2007 with Shootout at Lokhandwala,” observes film critic Prakash Jha, “but everyone thought she accidentally got shut out of the editing room. She continued on and produced Sarkar Raj and also Love, Sex aur Dhokha. But it was only with her latest release that she showed the guts to produce a film without a ‘k’ in the title. And just for that, the Indian public is willing to forgive her the extra ‘a’ in Mumbai.”

Unfortunately, this phenomenon has given renewed hope to actor Dev Anand, who announced today that he will be applying for the forgiveness of Indian movie-goers through his forthcoming movie Jewel Thief in Mumbaai.

Unable to understand Inception, IIT aspirant kills himself

Tanul Thakur — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 15:50:48 +0000

New Delhi. Christopher Nolan’s recently released mind bending sci-fi movie Inception has opened to rave reviews by critics and has triggered a lot of discussion amongst the movie lovers, but little did anyone know that this movie would end up claiming the life of a 17 years old IIT aspirant. Wednesday was a sad day for the Verma family when the youngest member of the family Gopal committed suicide because he wasn’t able to understand Inception completely even after watching it for seven times, three times in his dreams.

“Gopal was waiting for this movie ever since he saw the first teasers on YouTube six months back. He went to the movie theatre with his notebook and took copious notes too. But, then I don’t know what forced him to take such a drastic step,” said his father, Ram.

Many people suffering from insomnia have shown new urges for treatment after watching Inception

“Although he was too old for this kind of gift, but on Tuesday night he demanded a spinning top (lattoo) from me as his 18^th birthday gift,” Ram continued, as he wondered what went wrong with his son.

His friend Jaideep added that Gopal had read all the reviews of the movie online and had also updated his Facebook status after watching the movie to “Is this real or am I dreaming? Guys, give me a kick!” which was liked by 7 of his friends.

“I was shocked to hear when an otherwise prude Gopal asked me if I’d sleep with him,” said Urmila, his 12 days old girlfriend. “Only after watching the movie, I am fully able to understand now that he meant dream sharing.”

Gopal, an IIT aspirant, was a student of FIITJEE (Forget IITJEE). He was found sleeping in the last bench on the day of FIITJEE’s All India Test series this Sunday. He committed suicide three days later.

“Gopal believed he could share dream with our invigilator, who is usually sleeping during the tests, to score well,” said Mohit, a FIITJEE student who was present in the same room. “And when I tried to wake him up, he started shouting – no, this is only level two – and to actually convince the rest of the class that it was a dream world, he started climbing on the walls, but only failed each time. The entire class started laughing watching his histrionics.”

“Projection of my subconscious is a loser!” were the last words of Gopal in public, as he shouted back at his laughing classmates and stormed out of the test room.

Faking News found the mood at the FIITJEE Kalu Sarai centre to be quite somber. “We can all understand his frustration. Ever since Inception has released, everybody has gone into a tizzy developing theories of their own. Some professors have even taken extra classes to educate their students about the various interpretations of the movie’s ending,” said Sanjay who has watched Inception only once, and was not interested in watching it again because he was preparing only for AIEEE and Karnataka engineering exams.

Faking News also talked to the topper of the FIITJEE, Karan, with whom Gopal had an intense discussion after watching the movie, “Gopal had gone bonkers after watching the movie, and he didn’t even understand it fully. He was like the fourth level was not Cobb’s limbo, but his dream. I was like WTF dude?”

“But I’m indeed very disappointed that he died, or wait, did he go back to his earlier dream?” Karan wondered.

Khap Panchayat reviews “I Hate Luv Storys”, may ban it

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 12:30:54 +0000

Bhiwani. Enthused and turned on by the movie title, a local Khap Panchayat met here early today to watch the upcoming movie “I Hate Luv Storys” but found it contrary to their expectations. Upset by this KLPD, the Panchayat is mulling over banning the movie for misleading the youth of the country, ironically a step that could only help the movie generate more controversy and hence success.

“There was no ‘hate’ at all goddamnit!” Boochar Tau, the Khap leader, who enjoys close and friendly relations with Faking News, said. Khap leaders were expecting the movie to be a statement against love marriages, especially same gotra marriages.

Apparently this movie too turned out to be another love story

The movie is slated to release next Friday in India if Khaps don’t ban it. When contacted, the producers of the movie refused to comment over the disapproval of Khap leaders, but sources indicate that the possibility of the movie getting banned in a part of India has filled them with hope.

“My name is Khan and I’m not a publicity seeker.” said Imran Khan, who stars in the movie, vehemently rejecting the insinuations that his team was looking forward to getting the movie banned by the Khaps.

Whether or not this movie is banned, Khap leaders have confirmed that henceforth they would review all the upcoming Bollywood movies and decide whether they were fit for public consumption or not. They denied that such a step amounted to forming a super censor board.

“Kya bak raha hai baawri punnch.” Boochar Tau rejected the criticism and refused to answer if Khap had pirated copies I Hate Luv Storys VCDs.

Khap leaders claim that the modern Bollywood movies had corrupted the youth, who were falling in love and marrying against their family wishes in an attempt to ape filmy heroes and heroines. Khap leaders want the filmmakers to produce movies that uphold traditional values.

“We had kinda liked Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak. The chhora-chhori in that movie (couple in love played by Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla) belonged to the same gotra and ultimately both of them got killed after they married each other. Fantastic!” Boochar Tau recalled, though he thought that the movie should have had a longer climax involving the death scene while the kissing scenes were not required.

“It was poorly edited in parts.” he said.

The leaders have also demanded that the mainstream media mentioned the number of stars awarded by Khap Panchayats to different movies while discussing reviews. I Hate Luv Storys has been awarded only one star by them just for having a favorable title.

Aamir Khan to remake all his crappy movies to attain perfection

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:06:02 +0000

Mumbai. Bollywood actor Aamir Khan, better known as Mr. Perfectionist, has declared that he’d remake some of the movies he had acted in during his early career in an attempt to perfect them. These movies, most of which were released in the early 1990’s, are generally reckoned to be crappy, but Aamir believes that he could make them meaningful. Sources say at least three such movies could be remade in the next few years.

“I am tough on myself, tougher on what I represent. I keep challenging myself. I am never satisfied, and that’s what keeps me going.” said Aamir Khan announcing his intentions to touch new emotions, break new grounds, and raise new bars.

One of the movies of Aamir Khan that somehow didn’t appear perfect to the masses as well as to the critics

Sources inform that three of the crappy movies starring Aamir Khan – Jawani Zindabad, Tum Mere Ho, and Love Love Love – have been identified by Mr. Perfectionist to be remade into modern classics. Out of these, Love Love Love, could actually be directed by none other than James Cameron.

“James liked the fact that the word Love appeared three times in the title and instantly proposed the idea of producing and directing the first 3-D romantic movie of India, which was quickly accepted by Aamir.” Box Office expert Taran Adarsh said, hoping that Indian viewers would finally get to witness and experience how close actors were to actresses during the romantic scenes.

While Aamir refused to confirm or deny involvement of James Cameron, he agreed that those three movies were the ones that stood higher chances of being remade.

“I played the role of a snake-charmer at odds with a shape-shifting snake in Tum Mere Ho. This indeed was a challenging role and I think only Al Pacino playing Satan in The Devil’s Advocate comes any closer.” Aamir defended the plot and the role, arguing that a movie flops due to a bad director and not due to a bad actor.

While Aamir Khan fans have been delighted at the news, experts and SRK fans believe that by remaking his own movies, Aamir Khan has tried to answer/copy Shahrukh Khan, whose next movie is Koochie Koochie Hota Hai, remake of his own movie Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai.

Faking News Awards for excellence in Bollywood for year 2009

Fake Reader — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:30:10 +0000

Faking News Award for excellence in Bollywood

Faking News has the habit of missing important events to award our heroes. We missed awarding people for being “Indian of the year” on new year’s eve or selecting a list of wise men on Holi. But we use this opportunity to declare our entertainment awards for excellence in Bollywood:

Faking Movie of the year: This award should go to the movie which has impacted the mind, heart, soul and every other part of the body of a cine-goer. And after much of deliberation, we rested on one single choice. And the award for the year 2009 goes to our beloved Himesh’s blockbuster Radio for its sheer intelligence of thinking out of box by showing Radio on the big screen.
Faking Actor of the year (male): Although Himesh was and perhaps will remain the biggest contender for this award but one cannot take away the glory of torture and disgust from the victorious heroes of movie Jai Veeru and so our award goes to the duo Kunal Khemu and Fardeen Khan.
Faking Actor of the year (female): After much discussion and drooling over hot bodies of many, Faking News came to consensus and decided to give away the coveted award to our beloved Lara Dutta, for her stellar body show in the Blue movie.
Faking Action movie of the year: Surprisingly, the whole team of Faking News decided to give the award to Acid Factory. Do we say more here? Just check out the cast and box-office collection.
Faking Supporting Actor (male): And the award goes to the Radio of the movie Radio for giving a breath of life whenever it came alone on the screen.
Faking Director of the year: The award will be bestowed to someone who has created new bars of creativity, without any instance of piracy and copying. After a little debate, Faking News decided to give the award to Mr. Mohit Suri for Raaz – the mystery continues.
Faking new comer of the year (male): A newcomer is someone who has mastered the art of being a newcomer i.e. who could still make people ask questions like “what is the name of that guy” even after acting in dozens of films. We present this year’s award to Mr. Jackie Bhagnani for the movie Kal Kissne Dekha (the movie couldn’t have been better titled).
Faking new comer of the year (female): With Jackie Bhagnani, a girl also starred in Kal Kissne Dekha jise kisi ne nahi dekha. For the ignorant ones, Vaishali Desai starred opposite the charming Jackie; the award goes to her.
Faking Playback Singer of the year: It is extremely difficult to sing an original song and even more difficult is to sing that song in different voices. Unanimously this award goes to the national heartthrob Himesh Reshammayia for creating Radio waves with his voice.

SRK releases “My Name Is Kahn” to confuse Shiv Sainiks

dukhi aatma — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:23:17 +0000

Berlin, Germany. Just as everybody wondered what Shahrukh Khan was doing abroad when his movie was to be released in India, Faking News has learnt that King Khan was out to fox Shiv Sena. He has hatched a clever plan with the sports world yet again, but this time the sport being football. SRK is planning a simultaneous release of a movie homonymously titled “My Name Is Kahn”.

Recently, a German newspaper had announced the collaboration of Shahrukh Khan and the star German goalkeeper Oliver Rolf Kahn to release a new movie called “My Name Is Kahn” along with “My Name Is Khan”. This news was ignored by Indian media as they were too excited over the SRK vs. Sena controversy. This calculated move was made in order to confuse the Shiv Sainiks so that they end up stoning the wrong movie.

On being asked about the movie, Oliver said, “Well I will be starring in this movie. In the movie I will be playing a football coach who comes to India to train a team of whiny, bitchy air-headed girls so that they can win some tournament with their neighboring college. But unfortunately, because of my German origins, I am detained and held up at the airport for hours citing security reasons. And I say – My Name Is Kahn… and I am not a Nazi.”

Although the movie is being released primarily to distract Shiv Sena workers, Oliver was quite excited over the prospects and went on to reveal the bulk of the plot, “Then it (the movie) will show my slow transformation from an October fest German, who gets irritated by numerous Hitler references, into a proud Marathi Manoos who settles down with one of the Maharashtrian girls from the team in a simple yet emotional manner.”

When contacted, Shahrukh Khand didn’t disclose much about the plan and the movie, but he sent out flying kisses and showed signs of victory by shaping his fingers in V shape.

A promotional poster of “My Name Is Kahn”

Sena relents, will allow SRK movie to be shown till interval

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:40:43 +0000

Mumbai. In a clear sign of tensions easing out, Shiv Sena has declared that it will not disturb the screening of Shahrukh Khan’s new movie My Name Is Khan (MNIK) till the intermission time, and theatres across Maharashtra were free to release and run the movie for that duration. Party leader Uddhav Thackeray declared it in a press conference today, putting the ball in the court of MNIK team.

“We have been listening to the statements by Shahrukh Khan since he has come back to Mumbai. He has tried to address a part of our concerns but still a lot needs to be explained, and he must come out clean on this issue. It’s a job half done by him, hence we have decided to do our bit and allow half of the movie to be released and screened.” Uddhav said, terming it as a step forward.

Shahrukh Khan’s upcoming movie has raised some vital issues for our democracy

Party now expects the MNIK team, especially Shahrukh Khan, to reciprocate voluntarily if they wanted the full movie to be released without any problems. Uddhav warned that in case there was no positive response from the movie producers, Shiv Sainiks will not allow the post-intermission movie to be screened.

“Our workers will buy tickets and would be sitting silently till interval, after which they will throw spicy popcorns and Coke bottles at people who would come back to see the movie. Our workers would also keep hockey sticks handy, because we care for the nation.” Uddhav said, clarifying that hockey sticks were being kept after watching the Phir Dil Ko Hockey Ko promos.

No member of MNIK team has yet responded to the announcement by the Shiv Sena, but many news channels quickly termed the statement as gundagardi (hooliganism) and a symbol weakening strength of the party, for the party must insist upon no screening of the movie and death threats to the MNIK team.

Also, some experts have wondered why Uddhav Thackeray chose to mention only Coke bottles among all the soft drink brands during the press conference.

“I see a corporate hand in the whole matter. Pepsi has been able to sign exclusive deals with most of the multiplexes and we don’t get to see enough Coke while watching movies. Furthermore, SRK is the brand ambassador of Pepsi. The use of Coke bottles makes me believe that this whole controversy is some marketing gimmick.” said Boman Bottlewala, an industry analyst.

Rajesh Khanna breaks his silence, accuses James Cameron of plagiarism

Jurno Least — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 10:43:25 +0000

Mumbai. Rajesh Khanna aka Kaka has finally broken his silence and has confirmed what was being widely speculated and rumored around in the Indian blogosphere – James Cameron’s latest blockbuster Avatar being a copy of Kaka’s 1983 Bollywood masterpiece Avtaar. In an exclusive interview to Faking News, the romantic superstar of the 70’s has accused James Cameron of lifting certain scenes from his movie without giving due credits.

“After reading about it on various blogs, I decided to watch James Cameron’s movie, and I was shocked to find it a scene by scene copy of my movie. They just moved an A from the right side of the T to the left side in the movie title.” said a visibly upset Kaka, adding, “I almost wanted to cry, but I didn’t, because you know, Pushpa, I hate tears re.”

Kaka has some hard evidence to prove his point; he has pictures that show exactly how Avatar (2009) is inspired by Avtaar (1983). Kaka was kind enough to hand over these images to Faking News reporter Pushpa, and is contemplating filing a court case against James Cameron.

We leave our readers with these pictures so that they can decide for themselves:

"They copied the POSTER!"

"They even copied my paralyzed hand"

"Shabana’s faraway look, copied again"

"Do you need more proof?"

Now 3 Idiots team accused of promoting farting in public

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 17:37:05 +0000

Mumbai. After accused of promoting ragging, copying other’s creative work and dumbing down of higher education, 3 Idiots team is now being accused of promoting farting in public. An NGO has moved a petition against the producers and actors for making one of the key characters of the movie – Chatur Ramalingam aka Silencer – fart many times in the movie and even read a shloka praising his farting abilities.

“It was disgusting to see a movie that glorified farting. Everyone in the multiplex was laughing like a donkey when Chatur was delivering the fart speech. This can’t be tolerated. All is not well with this senseless movie.” Hawa Ram, spokesperson of the NGO called IAF (Indians Against Farting) said, especially accusing Aamir Khan of conspiring to make India a fart-friendly nation by deceit.

IAF members believe that these guys are sitting on a chair called Silencer, which suppresses the sound of farting

In the movie, Rancho, the character played by Aamir Khan, pens some Sanskrit sounding verse that was actually a phonetic adaptation of various kinds of farting. The verse is read out by Chatur on Teacher’s Day as a part of welcome speech. IAF members believe that not only in the movie, Aamir Khan is conspiring even in the real world.

“Aamir Khan is the main culprit. He projects himself as a serious person but has been silently working to turn India into a fart nation. You remember Taare Zameen Par? In that movie, he promoted that child actor Darsheel Safary, who is now playing Padduram – a farting child. What nonsense!” Hawa Ram hinted at the conspiracy, citing the second movie of Darsheel rumored to be released sometime this year.

When the question was put to Vidhu Vinod Chopra, the producer of 3 Idiots, he told our reporter to shut up. Our reporter went silent and then farted loudly, after which Vidhu apologized for his misconduct. Later on, Vidhu revealed that the story of 3 Idiots was based on Chetan Bhagat’s novel Five Point Someone, and hence all such accusations and litigations should be directed at Chetan.

When contacted, Chetan Bhagat said that the issue was over from his side and he has moved on.

IAF has accused both Chetan Bhagat and the 3 Idiots team to have colluded to divert the attention from the real issue.

Kylie accused for failure of Blue, white women allege discrimination

Khamba — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:32:54 +0000

Mumbai. The Association of Random White Women in Bollywood (ARWWB) has decided to go on strike to protest against alleged racial discrimination by the Indian filmmakers. The strike is being led by the Australian singer-actress Kylie Minogue, who has been allegedly accused by producers of Blue as being responsible for the movie’s lackluster performance on the box office. Kylie had made a special appearance in song titled Chiggy-Wiggy in the Blue movie.

Kylie and Akshay had danced together in the song Chiggy-Wiggy

“The producer was audacious enough to say I was not sexy enough in the song to attract Indian viewers. What the hell! I was doing just fine in the song when this guy called Akki jumped in and started all arbit dance steps. I tell you, a fat Aussie under the effect of beer can dance better. How do you expect me to look sexy in such situation?” Kylie wondered and alleged that she is being made a scapegoat for being white.

ARWWB members point out that while movie and television producers, and even the IPL managers, have profited by showing white women, now they are beginning to discriminate them to favor of Asians and women from other brown countries. They cited the examples of Lankan beauty Jacqueline Fernandes being cast in Bollywood movie Aladin while Brazilian model Giselle Monteiro getting a chance in Love Aaj Kal.

According to Cheryl Greene, the spokeswoman of the ARWWB, the trouble started last year itself when Yash Raj Films started the practice of reverse discrimination by hiring only black and brown women for its major song and dance sequences. ARWWB has even moved a petition in the High Court against the Yash Raj Films.

“This entire process started with the movie Tashan. Some of our members decided to not dance in the background of the song ‘white white face’ as they had apprehensions about the message it would send to lecherous Indians who had already made the life miserable for white faced cheerleaders during the IPL. Yash Raj then played the diversity card and started hiring black and other Indian women, who agreed to dance for much lesser prices.” Cheryl informed.

A copy of the lawsuit which we acquired through our sources in the High Court also revealed that the Association was against Yash Raj Films setting all their plots in the United States instead of India. Rhonda Williams a member of the Association, who had shown her cleavage in many Bollywood movies, said “How can Yash Raj Films be so insensitive? By not giving us work and shooting abroad, they are kicking us where it hurts the most – and that is our stomach.” Rhoda clarified.

A senior production assistant in Yash Raj Studio, speaking on the conditions of anonymity, rubbished the allegations. “True, we have had some movies shot in the USA, like New York, where we had to employ Indians, but only if you consider Katrina Kaif as an Indian. Furthermore, some movies like Dil Bole Hadippa had no scope for white women as they would have overshadowed Rani Mukherjee. But look at how much work we gave them in a single movie like Chak De India.”

But some feel that the white women need not worry. A camera assistant, who worked in the movie Tashan said, “There is nothing to worry about as far as these white women are concerned. Everyone knows Indians love white meat. Why do you think chicken or fish sells more than goat? And besides, it was us behind the camera who wanted black women in Tashan, so that Kareena’s so-called size zero figure could actually look like one when contrasted with the background.”

The first hearing in this case shall commence next week as the case would be overseen by a fast-track court given its national importance.

Middle aged woman cries yet again after watching Baghban

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:03:51 +0000

New Delhi. Sheetal Aunty, 53-year-old mother of three grown up children, was left in tears as she watched the Bollywood movie Baghban on a movies channel. According to an estimate, this was the thirty-fifth time when Sheetal Aunty had cried after watching Raj Malhotra (Amitabh Bachchan) and his wife Pooja (Hema Malini) being ill treated by their sons. Apparently Sheetal Aunty didn’t talk to her eldest son for an hour after watching the movie.

“Mom was behaving a bit weird when I came back home from a party organized by my friends. She asked me who all were in the party and I told her that how come these details mattered to her. It seems she thought I was being rude and quietly went back to her room. Later Sunil (his youngest brother) told me that mom had just finished watching Baghban, and I realized the problem.” Sandeep, the eldest son of Sheetal Aunty said.

Baghban – can you depend on your family?

Sandeep, who is a banker and had married a girl of his choice last year against the wishes of his parents, recounted every imaginary detail of the party to his mom for the next half an hour as he tried hard to lighten up her mood. He argued that his friends were assholes and he had gone to the party just to socialize and get promotion in his job.

He also complained that his wife, whom he had met during salsa dance classes that he had joined after watching the Bollywood movie Kal Ho Na Ho, didn’t cook as good food as Sheetal Aunty could. Sheetal Aunty finally relented.

“Thank god dad was not around and they (his parents) didn’t watch this movie together, or it would have been a nightmare. I don’t know why do they make such movies and saas-bahu types serials. The only thing these movies and serials seem to be doing is to make our lives hell.” Sandeep complained as he breathed a sigh of relief and went back to watching Champions League cricket matches.

Sandeep and his brothers are planning to track the movie listings of various television channels one week in advance, and block any channel that could be showing Baghban on a particular day. They were busy searching the user manual of their DTH connection to find out ways to block a particular channel.

Siddharth, the third son of Sheetal Aunty, was not available for comments as he had suddenly gone on trekking with his friends after he happened to watch Dil Chahta Hai again on his laptop.

Insomniacs want Karan Johar to apologize for “Wake Up Sid”

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 08:44:46 +0000

Mumbai. Members of NMS (Need More Sleep) have strongly objected to the title of Karan Johar’s latest movie “Wake Up Sid”. They feel that the title is highly provocative, derogatory and insensitive to people suffering from sleep deficits or insomnia. NMS workers, led by their president Siddharth Thackeray, called on the producer Karan Johar this afternoon and submitted a memorandum demanding immediate apology and change in the title of the movie.

“I am consulting friends, lawyers, police, pundits, doctors, bankers and family members and will decide what to do. They had come with hockey sticks to beat me up but their leader Siddharth was very generous and told them to postpone the bashing as it was International non-violence Day today. I’m touched by this display of compassion and generosity, and would do my best not to hurt the NMS guys.” Karan Johar said.

Shut the fuck up and let me sleep: NMS

NMS workers were particularly agitated over the fact that the movie title not only mocked people suffering from insomnia in general, but it showed cheeky disrespect to their president Siddharth Thackeray in particular, by asking “Sid” to wake up.

“Sid Sir hardly sleeps for more than three hours these days, and these uncouth and uncultured people are asking him to wake up! How can someone tolerate such shit? We will wait till tomorrow morning and see for ourselves if things have been set right, or we know how to set them right.” Soya Sawant, the Pune chief of NMS said.

A few film critics have found the conduct of NMS members objectionable as they felt that such acts curbed the creative freedom of an artist. These people were planning to meet Karan Johar and show solidarity but Karan has thanked them and advised them to stay put. Karan believes that creative people are bound to commit mistakes, and there is no shame in apologizing.

NMS workers had earlier searched and bashed up a doctor who had blogged about a special brand of sleeping pill that could cure insomnia and help them in their daily lives. NMS workers thought that the doctor had termed them as “sick” and was being disrespectful to them. The doctor was bed ridden for over six months. Since then most professionals and other people, including fake journalists, have preferred apologizing to NMS.

Gunda to be inducted as a case study at IIM Ahmedabad

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 10:27:49 +0000

Gunda or Guru?

Ahmedabad. The academic council of IIM Ahmedabad has decided to include the cult movie Gunda as a case study for its flagship two-year MBA program. The Mithun Chakraborty starrer already enjoys an inexplicably exceptional fan following among engineering and management graduates, but this is the first time an educational institute has formally admitted and accepted it as a part of its curriculum. Gunda will help IIM Ahmedabad students learn various aspects of business management.

“I think Gunda documents one of the best supply chain frameworks that you can find in services sector. The way Lucky Chikna supplies girls to Bulla and Chutiya is unmatched in its planning and execution. Normally we tend to believe that services sector don’t need to worry about supply chain management, but Gunda breaks that myth. It would indeed be very useful to discuss these factors in the class.” Gulshan, a first year student at IIM Ahmedabad said.

Most of the students welcomed the step and hoped that Gunda would help them understand finer nuances of business management in a more practical way. Students suggested that the movie should not be restricted to just one subject and should be made a part of each and every subject in each and every term of the MBA course, better known as PGP on the campus.

“Each time I see Gunda I find a new meaning to it. The story, the dialogues, the scenes, everything about the movie is steeped with pearls of wisdom. Gullu told you about supply chain, but that’s not where learning ends with Gunda. How can we forget the instance when Lucky Chikna rebukes his prostitute for refusing to serve an aged and eccentric customer? I can’t find a better example that demonstrates that customer satisfaction is vital for a successful business.” Shankar, another student said.

Many students also claimed that the ongoing business battle between Ambani brothers can be better understood after watching Gunda.

“Ambani brothers are like Bulla and Lambu Aata – brotherly friends turned foes. You can so well relate the hostility between Bulla and Lambu Aata with that between the Ambani brothers today. There was a politician called Bachchu Bhigona who had triggered the battle between Bulla and Lambu Aata in Gunda, I am dead sure that there is some politician behind the current battle between Ambani brothers as well. Only Gunda can give you such deep insights.” Murli Kalra, another student said.

Students are eagerly awaiting the first class when Gunda would be discussed as a business case. There were rumors that Mithun Chakraborty could visit the IIM Ahmedabad campus to take part in the first case discussion, but institute authorities refused to confirm the news.