Faking News » Television

TV channel launches Reality Show with unborn babies as participants

Pagalam Ritam — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 08:23:03 +0000

Mumbai. TV channel “NDTVari Imagine” has decided to host a reality show with yet-to-be born babies as participants. The channel CEO told faking news that the idea was conceived based on a research, which showed that till date, apart from ghosts and embryos, all other kinds of souls have participated in reality shows.

The channel’s initial plan of hosting a reality show with ghost participants had to be scrapped because India TV – the only channel possessing exclusive knowledge about authentic Indian ghosts – refused to cooperate. Besides, since the whole nation is now awaiting the birth of the greatest actor of next to next generation – BigB’s baby’s baby – this concept looked much more relevant.

The show’s participants have already been selected from a group of would be celebrities, next-gen actors, and future strugglers. However, the participants’ genders will be revealed only after the channel receives the reports from the Haryana based pathological lab ‘Sach Ka Saamna’.

The parents of the participants were elated after getting the news of their babies’ selection.

The channel producers expect their TRPs to grow as fast as the babies

“We are excited,” said a euphoric couple, “After this crucial break, he can grow up in ‘Maa Exchange’, have his education in ‘Roadies’, experience his first love at ‘Splitsvilla’, break up in ‘Emotional Attyachaar’ and marriage in a ‘Swayamavar’. To sum up, his upbringing will make him every bit ready to participate in the biggest reality show in Indian television – the Parliament Sessions that they show on the Lok Sabha channel.”

The contestants in the show will be asked to perform several complex maneuvers like somersaults, kicks, rollovers, etc. Their performances will be judged by well-known professional judges like Archana Puran Singh and Anu Malik. The winner will be decided solely by SMS votes hence contestants’ ability to harness public sympathy will remain the most crucial stunt.

However, like the upcoming movie ‘Aarakshan’, the show concept has been rebuked by all the political parties.

The ruling party thinks that the idea is outdated by forty-two years and three months and should have been formulated when the savior of the world was about to be born. The opposition has protested the screening of the show citing it against Indian culture and has asked for the resignation of the channel CEO and the Prime Minister of India.

In other related news, reality show queen Rakhi Sawant was hugely disappointed as her participation in this show was rejected, because neither she was unborn nor she was pregnant. Sources inform that her desire to participate in this reality show could be the reason behind her recent interest in Baba Ramdev.

MTV to save electricity by muting “beep” sound in Roadies

Anoop Dixith — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 14:39:24 +0000

Mumbai. Socially responsible television channel MTV has added another feather to its cap by saving a capacious amount of electrical power by suppressing the Roadies’ trademark background score – the “BEEP” tone. The legendary tone that dominated its previous seasons is missing in the current season, where the censored words are just timely muted. This has reduced the audio output power consumption of the show by almost 57%, channel sources claim.

Going further with the calculations, the music-turned-reality television channel has cited that the total audio power saved this way per episode is estimated to be around 4.9 K Watts, which is, as they exclaim, “simply unfuckingbelievable!”

Raghu Ram, the executive producer of the television series MTV Roadies

“It is a very welcome move by the Roadies team,” an energy expert said, “it will also save power in those households that watch such family shows (sic.) on MTV, as the television speakers will consume lesser amount of electricity.”

Sources at MTV Roadies confirm that they are encouraging the participants and judges of the show to use as many vulgar and abusive words as possible, so that the nation saves more electricity and India becomes a superpower thanks to its youth.

“We are also planning more shows that could use even more coarse language,” Raghu Ram, executive producer of MTV Roadies informed, “We are thinking of doing away with all music shows as they involve a lot of sounds and consume a lot more electricity.”

Raghu Ram further claimed that he prefers wearing black for similar reasons. “Just like Black Google, you see,” he said. Faking News suggested that maybe he, his fellow judges, and all other participants could not only wear black but even have their faces blackened; to which Raghu hastily assured that he would give the suggestion a thought.

Around a year back MTV had removed the word “music” from its logo, and unconfirmed sources inform that it’s now adding some curse words starting with M in its new logo to suit its new avtar.

After Master Chef, Star Plus to air Dhobi Guru – Nikaal Daag, Varna Bhaag

Anoop Dixith — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 14:32:34 +0000

Mumbai. After the much awaited closing ceremony of MasterChef’s first season, Star Plus is ready with another reality show involving household work. This time the channel is shifting focus from Kitchen to Bathroom and trying an original format. But it’s not about bathing or attending the call of nature in the toilets, the reality show will focus on the art of washing clothes.

“The format is very simple”, says Prafull Mishra, the copyright holder of the concept, “The participants will be given stained clothes of varied sizes and shapes. They would need to remove the stains within a specified time limit. The final winner would walk away with one crore rupees and the runner up will receive a brand new washing machine.”

The show would be tentatively called “Dhobi Guru” with a Hindi tagline “nikaal daag, varna bhaag” (get rid of the stain or get the hell out of here) and is reportedly being sponsored by Surf Excel.

Aamir Khan’s upcoming movie is scheduled to release in January 2011

The auditions for the show and preliminary rounds would take place in a studio but the later phases of the competition would take the participants to the nastiest of the slums where they’d encounter clothes sullied by stains of a million shades.

“Our grand finale would have special Holi episode that would test the finalists with all kinds of stains,” informed Mishra.

And guess what, the show would be hosted by Bollywood actor Aamir Khan, as it is expected to help him promote the upcoming movie “Dhobi Ghat”, which is being produced and directed by his wife Kiran Rao. This has given rise to rumors that Dhobi Guru could be launched on the same day when Dhobi Ghat is released.

“This is indeed very creative and first of its kind in the world and I always love to be different,” Aamir confirmed his role as the host of the show. Aamir would be joined by two renowned Dhobis (washermen) of the nation, who are currently unidentified.

Sources inform Faking News that earlier Star Plus had thought to approach Salman Khan but later decided against it as Salman is not very well associated with clothes, especially shirts. Akshay Kumar was not even considered, though the channel denied it had to do anything with Tees Maar Khan.

Imagine TV to host its third shaadi – Veena Ki Match Fixing

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 06:23:30 +0000

Mumbai. After talking unsuccessfully to various celebrities to get married on television for its third season of the swayamvar series, Imagine TV has finally got a person who is more than willing to do anything on television – Pakistani actress and model Veena Malik. Veena is currently taking part in the television reality show Bigg Boss and would be evicted after an impromptu fight with another housemate if need be.

“We are finalizing the details and format of the show,” Imagine TV CEO said, “Veena Malik’s acceptance of the offer is not any challenge, that’s granted; why would she want to go back to Pakistan where people are waiting to throw eggs at her? We are looking into other aspects of her staying back in India, say, visa issues, Shiv Sena issues, BCCI issues, etc.”

The Mystic Masseur – this video clip from Bigg Boss 4 has also been used by some sexologists to demonstrate how women fake orgasm

Sources suggest that the television channel has ‘fixed’ the visa issue and Veena Malik is all set to get an extension for her stay in India. “Why do you think India denied a visa to Musharraf?” one of our sources informed, “it was done to compensate for Veena’s extension, for overall presence for anything Pakistani in India is capped as per the rules.”

The second most important challenge – protests by Shiv Sena workers for hiring a Pakistani artist – too has been fixed in a rather innovative way. Veena Ki Match Fixing would be used as a platform to promote an unnamed product to be launched by Shiv Udyog Sena – an aphrodisiac oil solution, with the Shiv Sena tiger as its logo.

“There would be a ‘massage round’ in the swayamvar where Veena would massage all the contestants with the Shiv Sena oil in the same sensual manner as she did to Asmit Patel in Bigg Boss,” confirmed the Imagine TV CEO, thus hoping that the production and shooting for the third season would go uninterrupted in the city.

Shiv Sena sources refused to confirm or deny the reports when contacted by Faking News, but a leader told us on conditions of anonymity that Sena no longer had any issues with Veena staying back in India and in fact they were now “enjoying” her stay.

More details about the format of the show are still awaited though sources inform us that there would be eleven contestants to represent a cricket team. A wild card entry for a contestant, who would be called the twelfth man, could also be announced in the middle of the show, and rumors say it could be none other than Mohammad Asif, the Pakistani cricketer and ex-boyfriend of Veena Malik.

Suresh Kalmadi to participate in the first episode of KBC 4

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 15:12:02 +0000

Mumbai. It’s official; Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC) is set for a mega re-launch coming Monday with the first episode featuring Suresh Kalmadi as the celebrity participant, who would be answering questions asked by Computerji and interpreted by Big B to win the highest prize money of the most popular quiz reality show on the Indian television.

Faking News has access to the most secret plans and script of the first episode, which has already been shot a few days earlier even as millions of people would watch the show assuming it were a live telecast, an assumption believed in by the producers of the Hollywood movie Slumdog Millionaire as well.

Following are some of the highlights of the first episode of the show (spoilers alert):

Amitabh Bachchan (Big B): Welcome back to KBC hosted by someone who doesn’t get stuck on pronouncing ‘K’, thus giving undue prominence to ‘BC’. And please welcome someone who epitomizes what KBC stands for – giving the ‘common’ person an opportunity to earn ‘wealth’ by playing ‘games’. Yes, our own Commonwealth Games organizing committee chairman Suresh Kalmadi (recorded sound of audience clapping and applause).

Suresh Kalmadi (Big C): Thanks sir. It’s a pleasure being here. Your studio is world class.

Big B: Thank you very much. But it’s nothing compared to what we saw during the opening ceremony of CWG. A big round of applause for that please (real sound of audience clapping and applause). So Mr. Kalmadi, I presume that you know all the rules of every game (otherwise how would you bend them) and hence without wasting any time in telling you the rules, we’d straightaway start the game. Are you ready?

Big C: Yes, but before I start playing, I’d like to tell the people around that whatever money I win today, I will donate it to Indian Olympics Association for creating better infrastructure for our poor athletes, which is the only aim of my life (recorded sound of audience clapping and applause).

Big B: So if you win one crore rupees, we can have something like a jute mattress for one of our gold-medal winning wrestlers? (audience laughs)

Big C: I like your sense of humor. World class comedy.

Big B: Okay, so now Mr. Kalmadi, here is your first question – who among these has been the President of India? And your options are – (a) Rahul Gandhi (b) Abdul Kalam Azad (c) Abdul Kalam (d) Abul Kalam

Big C: As a Congressman I wish it was (a), but I know that’s not the right answer. After the opening ceremony, now I know that there was no ‘Azad’ in the name so it’s not even (b). I’m confused between (c) and (d). hmmm…

Big B: You have three lifelines.

Big C: Okay, I’ll use 50-50 (ad-jingle of Britannia 50-50 plays and Big B takes a noisy bite on a biscuit as part of in-program placement of brands for the show).

Big B: (after gulping down the biscuit) Computerji, please remove two wrong answers – (computer removes (a) and (b) and audience laughs like crazy).

Suresh Kalmadi playing Kaun Banega Crorepati

Big C: WTF!

Big B: You have two more lifelines.

Big C: No way, this computer is playing games with me. I’ll take a risk and go with (c).

Big B: Sure? Lock kiya jaaye? (ad-jingle of Link Locks plays)

(Suresh Kalmadi gives his assent and after making many serious and mock-serious faces and after a commercial break, it’s finally revealed by host Big B that the answer was correct. A guy in Shera costume runs on the stage and Amitabh Bachchan also rises up to congratulate Kalmadi on his ‘success’. The scenes are repeated for a few more questions as Kalmadi’s wealth piles up with each correct answer and commercial break.)

Big B: Welcome back to KBC and we have Mr. Kalmadi playing with us and he has won 25 lakhs rupees till now. He can walk away with 25 lakhs right now by quitting the game (and buy a toothbrush for our wrestlers) or he can choose to answer the next question to win 50 lakhs, but if he answers incorrectly, he’d lose these 25 lakhs. Suresh Kalmadi Sir, u made lakhs (audience laughs), do you want to continue?

Big C: Of course. I care for my athletes. (audience laughs again)

Big B: Great! So here is your question for 50 lakh rupees – which is the native village of Dhirubhai Ambani in Gujarat? And your options are – (a) Dharwad (b) Valsad (c) Chorwad (d) Kabaad

Big C: That’s a tricky one. I’d use my second lifeline – audience poll.

Big B: Fine. Audience, what do you think?

Audience: Chor Chor Chor Chor (repeats in chorus and points towards Kalmadi on the stage)…

Big B: err… I think they are jeering you sir.

Big C: I don’t hear any jeering. They are helping me. I’d go with the option (c) Chorwad.

Big B: Sure? Lock kiya jaaye? (ad-jingle of Link Locks plays)

Big C: Yes!

Big B: Congratulations Mr. Kalmadi! You have won 50 lakhs! (recorded sound of audience clapping and applause)

Big C: I knew people would help me. It’s all public’s money.

Big B: I know! (audience laughs) Now Mr. Kalmadi, you have real chance of winning one crore rupees. Want to proceed?

Big C: Of course, anything to be number one and world class.

Big B: Wonderful. So here is your question for one crore rupees – who was the second Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu state in independent India? And your options are – (a) Karunanidhi (b) K Kamraj (c) C Rajagopalachari (d) Rajinikanth

Big C: Rajini can’t be second to anyone, so I guess that option is gone.

Big B: Smart analysis!

Big C: It can’t be Karunanidhi as well because there were no spectrum auctions to be done at that time. Hmmm… it’s either (b) or (c)… uffff… I wish I had that 50-50 lifeline option at this time.

Big B: You still have phone-a-friend lifeline option. You can call a friend from Tamil Nadu, say, Mani Shankar Aiyar? (audience laughs)

Big C: I like your sense of humor. World class comedy. But I won’t take any more jokes now. Yes, call up Mani.

Big B: Sure?

Big C: Yes.

Big B: Alright. Computerji, please call Mani Shakar Aiyar, who is currently roaming for the duration of the Commonwealth Games. (sound of a phone call being made, answered by a ‘hello’) Is that Mani Shankar Aiyar?

Phone: Yes, who is this?

Big B: This is Amitabh Bachchan calling here from Kaun Banega Crorepati and we have your friend Suresh Kalmadi sitting here.

Phone: He’s a bloody liar!

Big B: Maybe, but currently he needs your help to win one crore rupees.

Phone: WTF!? Has he won the bid to host Olympics now?

Big B: No, no, in that case he can win thousands of crores (audience laughs) this is just about one crore; he needs you to answer a question about Tamil Nadu politics correctly and you can help build infrastructure for Indian sportsmen. Now you will hear Kalmadiji’s voice.

Big C: Mani, listen carefully – FUCK YOU! (audience laughs like crazy)

Big B: That was the most ingenious use of phone-a-friend I had ever seen (claps) but what are you going to do now?

Big C: Please lock option (c).

Big B: Whoa! It seems you had known the answer but called up Mani just to settle scores.

Big C: Yes, I’m one-up now. (audience laughs) Please lock option (c).

Big B: Okay Computerji, please lock… (final siren blows just in time signaling end time of the first episode) ohh.. Kalmadiji, we’ve missed the deadline and the show has not been completed on time. (audience laughs)

Big C: I like your sense of humor. World class comedy.

Bunty Chor to judge a reality show called “India’s Got Chor”

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 06:30:23 +0000

Mumbai. After being thrown out of Bigg Boss on the very first day, Bunty Chor is all set to join another reality show, this time as a judge and not just a contestant. Bunty, whom the media and entertainment professionals look upto as one of the potential youth-icons of the country, is going to select the best chor (thief) of the country in a reality show tentatively named “India’s Got Chor”.

“In fact, he was kicked out of Bigg Boss precisely due to the reason that he could take out time for the shooting of this new reality show,” informs an executive producer of the proposed show on conditions of anonymity.

Bollywood movie “Oye Lucky! Lucky Oye!” is supposed to be inspired from the life and achievements of Bunty Chor

Although the name of the show is a complete rip-off of the popular Got Talent series owned and licensed by British media professional Simon Cowell, the producers of the show have decided not to get into any franchise agreement and simply copy the name in spirit of “thievery”, an art the show aims to glamorize.

The reality show will showcase the best thieves of the country and is relying heavily upon “crime news” shows of the various national news channels for identifying the contestants. Most news channels have demanded the status of “exclusive media partner” in lieu of providing the contacts of “their thieves”, but the producers are hopeful of reaching a compromise.

“We could make all of them ‘exclusive’ partners,” said the anonymous producer, “who cares about that tag anyway these days?”

The show will stick to thieves stealing petty money and goods in its first season, but may move on to showcase thieves stealing songs, movies, advertisements, taxes, government funds, pubic order, communal harmony, etc. in the successive seasons that would be broadcast on a popular “family entertainment” channel.

“We are sure that we can run at least seven seasons of the show in the coming years,” said the anonymous producer.

Producers confirmed that like any other reality show involving judges, India’s Got Chor too will have three judges, but they refused to comment on rumors that Suresh Kalmadi and A Raja were being convinced to join Bunty Chor on the panel of judges.

“We can’t let you know that at this time,” said the anonymous producer, “but believe us, we have enough potential contestants and judges in our country for this show. Just wait and watch.”

After “Rakhi Ka Insaaf”, Imagine TV plans “Rakhi Ka Ilaaj”

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 11:47:48 +0000

Mumbai. While everyone thought that item girl Rakhi Sawant would have another season of her marriage on Imagine TV, she has surprised everyone by announcing her new show called Rakhi Ka Insaaf on the same channel, where she would play a judge and announce verdicts in cases dealing with domestic violence, dowry abuse, marital infidelity, filial impiety, etc.

Even though the show is still to go on-air, Imagine TV, earlier NDTV Imagine, is so upbeat that it has announced its fourth reality show involving Rakhi Sawant – Rakhi Ka Ilaaj… Dil Se.

“No, sorry to disappoint you, even though the name suggests so, the show will not diagnose or treat Rakhi for any malady, physical or psychological. In fact, Rakhi would now play a doctor and treat patients suffering from acute diseases.” Imagine TV CEO Tony Bhalla informed in a press conference.

Rakhi says she has solution for everyone’s problems, legal or medical

Mr. Bhalla further informed that his channel had originally planned to get the show endorsed by IMA (Indian Medical Association), but the plans were thrown in a limbo after the ethics committee of MCI (Medical Council of India) issued a show-cause notice to IMA for endorsing random stuffs.

“We are not that concerned with this development, but we would prefer to get a medical organization on board to give the ‘reality’ angle to the show. We might partner with Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri, who is soon going to launch a medical institute that will dare to think beyond AIIMS.” revealed Mr. Bhalla.

But the central character of the show Rakhi Sawant is hardly concerned with these minor hiccups. She even rejected criticisms that she shouldn’t be dabbling in such affairs as she lacked professional training for the same.

“So what if I don’t have an MBBS degree? I am not going to prescribe any medicines to anyone. But whatever I will prescribe, I will prescribe dil se (through heart).” said Rakhi Sawant, who attended the press conference wearing a nurse’s dress.

Rakhi also claimed that her series of reality shows won’t end with this and she would keep on coming with innovative ideas for the betterment of the society. It should be noted that she had earlier played a dancer (Nach Baliye), a housemate (Big Boss), a victim (Mika Ki Pappi), a bride (Rakhi Ka Swayamvar), and a mother (Pati, Patni, aur Woh) on television, and is now ready to play a judge and a doctor.

“What next? Why doesn’t she play a temple or church in some goddamn show called Rakhi Ka Ghanta?” asked Jatin angrily, a Rakhi-ravaged television viewer.

UTV Bindass to produce Emotional Atyachaar for children

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 11:08:01 +0000

Mumbai. The craze for using children for reality shows has been taken to a new high with UTV Bindass declaring its intentions to conduct loyalty tests and infidelity tests on children for the latest season of its reality show Emotional Atyachaar. The show will perform video sting operations on little kids, who would be suspected of having relationships with other kids by their respective best friends, boyfriends or girlfriends.

Soon we could see children failing loyalty tests and getting caught on camera

“There have been ‘junior’ versions of various reality shows and we now see children dancing, singing, doing stand-up comedy, and indulging in things that were until now the forte of grown up persons only. We thought time was ripe for producing a junior version of Emotional Atyachaar.” UTV Group chairman Ronnie Screwvala said, who also expressed happiness that Bindass was successfully implementing the channel’s vision of ‘bind’ing ‘ass’es of viewers to their couches through innovative programming.

UTV Bindass has invited applications from kids all over the country who suspect their friends belonging to opposite sex of having close friendship with some other kid, and hence ‘cheating’ them in the process. The channel has also invited applications from willing kids, who could act as ‘decoy’ for the show and conduct the loyalty tests on suspect kids by acting friendly with them.

While the decision of the channel has outraged many adults, some children seem to like the idea.

“I saw Aasha wearing a friendship band given by that fugly Raj yesterday. Only last week I gave her my remote-controlled toy car. How could she even accept that band him?” said a heartbroken 11-year-old Aman, who has been rivaling Raj to woo Aasha for over one year now and was largely believed to have won her over in the last few weeks.

Parents of those children, who are currently rocking various reality shows on television, too have justified the decision of the television channel and have expressed confidence that given a chance, their children would excel in this show too.

“If our society doesn’t have problem with stuff like junior taekwondo championships and under-13 cricket tournaments, why are people so worried when our children take part in reality shows?” asked an angry father of a little girl currently taking part in a television dancing championship, further arguing, “People are plain jealous of our children’s talent and the money they make.”

While the civil society is still debating the merits of the decision, UTV Bindass is giving finishing touches to the preparations for the show. It is rumored that instead of Angad Bedi, the host for the earlier season of the show, the channel will hire his father Bishen Singh Bedi for the junior version as he was better at generating news and hence publicity for the show.

Enthused by these reports, Imagine TV too is reportedly planning to produce a junior version of their Swayamvar series and plotting to get a celebrity kid married on television. But experts believe that they could run into legal troubles.

“No, no, not the Child Marriage Act, that can be taken care of. But Colors TV could sue them as the show could as well be titled Balika Vadhu.” a television lawyer said.

Paul the Octopus to star in Swayamvar season 3 reality show

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 07:57:44 +0000

Mumbai. Imagine TV, which got Rahul Mahajan married and Rakhi Sawant almost married through its marriage reality show Swayamvar, has announced that the third season of the show will feature now world famous Paul the Octopus. Although it’s not yet clear if Paul would get married on the show or help a participant choose his/her better half, the news has created a sensation around the world.

“He is definitely more marriageable than both Rahul and Rakhi. He has so many qualities – he is intelligent, popular, honest, wanted, brave, and can make a lot of money. I’m sure a lot of girls and even boys would want to marry him.” said Sarah, a fan of Paul, who hoped that it would be Paul, who’d actually be getting married on the show.

Earlier, rumors were afoot that Mahendra Singh Dhoni, Yuvraj Singh or Vivek Oberoi could star in Swayamvar season 3. But with Dhoni married and other two advised to rather concentrate on their professional careers, there doesn’t seem to be any candidate for the televised marriage show. Nevertheless, it’s not ruled out that Paul could just help in choosing a life-partner for some celebrity.

“After we witnessed the kind of criteria adopted in the earlier seasons to select a person for getting married, I guess Paul can any day make a better informed choice.” said Nishant, who favored Paul helping a human celebrity choose a life partner on television.

Paul Dulhaniya Le Jaayega?

But most of the fans favor Paul selecting a partner for himself on the show and getting married in the process.

“I’m sick of these human celebrity weddings, they are anyway for television. If it’s not Paul getting married, I am not watching the show.” Sarah said.

Although the representatives of Imagine TV have refused to divulge the details, sources inform that the television channel is now seriously exploring the possibilities of an Octopus wedding, and late night consultations with lawyers and brand managers are expected to take place today.

“Although Paul is just over two-and-half years, the Child Marriage Act would not be applicable in this case, as he is neither Indian nor human, and technically he is in his middle-ages because the average life-expectancy of an Octopus is below five years.” Ram Jhoothmalani, a leading lawyer said.

But Mr. Jhoothmalani refused to specify if Indian law could allow marriage between a human and an animal.

“Let them (the television channel) hire me for my services to know that.” he said.

But other legal experts believe that such marriages could take place in India as they were not explicitly outlawed by the constitution.

“Earlier a man had married a dog, and even a celebrity like Aishwarya Rai had married a tree first before marrying Abhishek Bachchan.” argued a lawyer in Bombay High Court.

“If there are no religious or gotra issues, I think this marriage can take place in India.” he added.

Patients turn critical after accidental exposure to TV serial

GenuineFaker — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 08:20:07 +0000

Meerut. Two patients had to be shifted to intensive care yesterday here, when they were inadvertently exposed to 15 minutes of a toxic Hindi TV serial. Doctors are struggling to restore the damage to the patients’ psyche from the 143^rd episode of Parikkkrama – Do Bichhdi Behne Parrrdes Jaakar Kkkabhi To Saaaas Baneingi (PDBBPJKSB). Their condition is reported to be “critical but stable, similar to Manjula in the 67^th episode of Samay Kay Saath Badaltey Rishtey”.

Spandan Sharma, a 35-yr old engineer recovering from a gall bladder surgery in a semi-private room in Shakar Hospital on Mujaffarpur Road, and Kirpal Singh, a 42-yr old shop owner recovering from a leg fracture in the same room, had the most grueling experience of their lives when the TV in their room turned to Star One, and stayed on that channel for at least 15 minutes. They have been unconscious since then.

“It could have been much worse if not for the prompt and heroic action of our nurse,” said Dr Manish Tripathi, Medical Director of the hospital. “She picked up on the elevated heart rate of the patients on the remote monitor, and sensing something was very very wrong, ran to their room and quickly assessed the situation.”

One of the supposedly toxic content on Television

“Actually, I got distracted by the TV,” the nurse Santosh told Faking News. “Some vamp with short hair had put a good girl in a chiffon sari in a very uncomfortable position in front of the whole family. Her long-kept secret was about to be revealed. But then they went to a commercial break, and I pulled myself together, telling myself that the faithful servant will surely save his favorite bhabhi from any embarrassment. It was then that I noticed that both patients were staring blankly at the screen, unable to move a muscle – it was clear to me what had happened.”

Apparently, this is not an uncommon reaction to Hindi TV serials. “It was first reported in medical literature in the 1990s when serials like Junoon and Shaanti went way beyond the usual 13-episode run,” says noted Social Psychiatrist Dr Mrinal Shah. “Disorientation, disbelief, nausea and vomiting were commonly reported, reaching a peak with the arrival of Ekkta Kapoor on the scene. But then Indian males quickly developed defensive mechanisms to minimize their exposure to these toxins, most notable among them being working late in the office.”

“Fortunately Indian women are genetically immune to the toxic effects of Hindi serials, experiencing only a mild addictive effect,” adds Dr Tripathi. “The nurse quickly turned the TV off, and the patients collapsed in thankful exhaustion. But the damage was done by that time, and both patients were comatose.”

“PDBBPJKSB is a particularly malignant serial,” says Neurologist Dr Raj Sadana who is managing the patients’ care in the ICU. “It has a combination of all the common noxious ingredients – foul family feuds, coolly rebellious youngsters, hopelessly traditional parents, unnecessary accidents followed by miraculous recoveries, and a heady dose of utterly irresolvable misunderstandings. There is no known treatment, and all we can do is supportive care through subconscious injections of ESPN and Star Sports.”

“In any case we plan to keep both patients in ICU to take financial advantage of the whole situation, and have ordered some expensive tests,” said Dr Tripathi. All the hospital’s female staff have volunteered to watch a re-run of the episode today, which could provide vital clues regarding the exact nature of noxious stimuli the patients were exposed to, and guide further therapy.

Ekta Kapoor charged with murder of Anandi, Faking News seeks justice

Jurno Least — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 08:49:05 +0000

Mumbai. A pall of gloom fell over Indian society when they learnt that their favorite daughter-in-law Anandi had died. While a lot of news channels analyzed the causes and effects of this unfortunate and untimely demise, none of them cared to demand “Justice to Anandi” with a war cry to bring her murderers to book. Being a responsible media organization, we decided to investigate the matter and the findings have been shocking to say the least.

We decided to hand over the case to CID as they have been unraveling mysterious murder mysteries for decades now. Anandi was murdered on 10^th March 2010 and CID managed to crack the case in 24 hrs, which is an achievement in itself.

According to the CID, Ekta Kapoor was not happy with the increasing TRP of Baalika Vadhu and the falling TRP of her saas-bahu serials. So to put an end to this, she ordered a hitman to do the job.

CID chief Pradyuman and his team spoke exclusively to Faking News and also revealed the shocking information that apart from TRPs, Ekta was also unhappy with Anandi not applying red tilak on her forehead despite being a bahu, as it would have improved the brand recall of her saas-bahu serials. Finally, Ekta tried to finish off the trouble by leaving a permanent tilak on Anandi’s forehead.

Following shocking visuals, shared with us by the CID team, tells the telling story of the gruesome murder:

The victim

The accused

The hitman

And finally, the investigating team

Man decides to cheat girlfriend after watching Emotional Atyachaar

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 12:00:49 +0000

Mumbai. 25-year-old Utkarsh has decided to cheat on his girlfriend Kavita, with whom he has been going steady for over six years now, after he watched some episodes of a television reality show called Emotional Atyachaar that documents and broadcasts unfaithfulness among young Indian couples. Apart from sending feelers to random girls that he knows, Utkarsh has also registered on an online dating website to secure a parallel girlfriend.

“Everyone does it man, everyone is double timing and enjoying their lives, and here I am sticking to the old school of love and loyalty. I think infidelity is the in-thing and I should go for it.” said Utkarsh, who had proposed to Kavita some six years ago, after being convinced that getting a valentine was the in-thing in those days after some old fashioned guys had protested against it.

Utkarsh doesn’t believe that the episodes of Emotional Atyachaar could be staged. “No man, it’s a reality show, not any movie.” said Utkarsh, who checked and frisked our reporter to be sure that he was not any undercover agent of Emotional Atyachaar with a hidden camera trying to conduct a “loyalty test” upon him on behalf of Kavita.

Prized human qualities like jealousy, profanity, infidelity and shamelessness are most likely to get televised, say many experts

It’s not for the first time when Utkarsh has thought of cheating his girlfriend. Earlier, he had felt like doing so when he had seen a few people admitting to have cheated their partners in another reality show Sach Ka Saamna, but he dropped the idea as he thought that people participating in that particular reality show were greedy.

“They were saying things for money, it was unethical.” argued Utkarsh, who prides himself upon his ethics and having been raised by IAS parents who were never caught (on camera) taking any bribe till date.

The move by Utkarsh has caused a wide debate among the social circles in India. While a few saw no problem with such programs, others felt that television was getting out of hand.

“Utkarsh is being raised by television now. His IAS parents can take a break and a bribe if they want.” said British Kandy, a sociologist, who believes that soon there would be a television reality show on corruption called Professional Atyachaar, which would make bribe takers feel at ease with their conscience.

Man seeks divorce from wife secretly married to her television

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 16:34:02 +0000

Jabalpur. A man has filed a case in High Court here seeking divorce from his wife, whom he suspects of being secretly married to their television set. Bharat Keshav, 32, was shocked to find his wife Kavita, 29, romantically looking at the television screen in the living room when he came back home after a two-week business trip. Earlier, Kavita had given him a cursory and cold glance while opening the door upon his arrival.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was smile on her face and her eyes shone as she watched some shit on television. Man, she had hardly those feelings for me when I came back. I was shocked! She is more attached to her television than me. I can’t take it anymore.” Bharat said angrily.

Kavita showed more emotions while watching such soaps than while talking to him, Bharat alleges

Bharat and Kavita were married five years back and things were going fine until Kavita left her job in deference to the wishes of her in-laws. Kavita started watching television to spend her free time and gradually started getting attracted to it. Kavita was spending more time with her television than her husband. Bharat suspects that the attraction between the two grew into love and they both got married at some time. But Kavita denies the charges.

“It’s true that I started loving my television, but this talk of marriage is all bullshit. I think Bharat has lost his mental balance after watching those stupid laughter challenge shows and cricket programs like IPL on television. He thinks women are married to televisions and even bear children with them called Manu and Ranjan.” Kavita retorted, denying the charges of bigamy and infidelity.

Last year a woman in Pune was granted divorce by a court after her husband stopped her from watching television. Bharat believes that he can also get a divorce, but the legal community is divided over the fallout of that particular judgment on Bharat’s petition.

“That order clearly proved that it was a woman’s fundamental right to love television even while being in a marriage. Therefore such relationships between a woman and a television don’t amount to infidelity, and Bharat has a weak case on this count.” said Bakil Bajpai, a lawyer at Jabalpur High Court.

Exposed and Exclusive: List of housemates for Big Boss season 3

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 10:51:11 +0000

Bigg Boss season 3

Faking News has got exclusive access to the list of housemates for the third season of the reality show Big Boss. Our investigative reporter risked his life to get this list so that our readers’ insatiate needs for more knowledge and wisdom are satisfied. As expected, the list of housemates has got all the required ingredients to make the show controversial and a big hit internationally.

Shiney Ahuja
Even though he might have denied it, it has been confirmed that Shiney Ahuja got bail from the court to allow him to participate in the show. Shiney needs a lot of public sympathy and he is expected to cry and faint and ask for forgiveness from every Indian for his conduct. People would be able to forgive him by sending ITSOKBABA as a keyword from their mobiles. It’s rumored that Shiney will not be voted out at least in the first two weeks of the show, so that more and more people can SMS and forgive him. Each SMS will cost just 10 rupees.

Shiney’s maid
Yes! A surprise from the highly creative and innovative team of Big Boss, who have often been accused of being dorks for producing an unoriginal show. They have finally convinced Shiney’s maid to come on television and recount her experience. Contrary to what people have seen on television, Shiney’s maid actually has a clear face and not pixilated as seen in the photograph here. It’s rumored that she will have an out of court settlement with Shiney during the show, with 10% of the settlement money going towards the welfare of maids working in Bollywood actors’ houses.

Justice Dinakaran
In thick of controversy and corruption charges, Justice Dinakaran is just another surprise packet for the Big Boss 3. Dinakaran is expected to be voted out in the first week itself as he too prefers the same, for he is too busy with legal affairs. But the one week will allow him to connect with the ordinary citizens of India and pitch himself as being a worthy contender for the post of CJI. Big Boss producers are hoping that supporters of Ramdas Athawale will again break their office furniture over Justice Dinakaran being voted out for being a dalit.

Urmila Matondkar
There was a time when prefixes and suffixes like ‘sexy’, ‘hot’ and ‘nude’ were added by internet surfers with her name in Google, but now keywords like ‘Himesh’ and ‘make up’ accompany her name. Disappointed with this inexplicable shift and drop in public interest, participation in Big Boss 3 comes as a big relief to Urmila. She’s expected to tear apart Ram Gopal Varma during a hearty chit-chat with Big B. According to lastest reports, Ram Gopal Varma had refused to cast Urmila in his next venture, which is remake of Big B’s blockbuster Mard.

Boochar Tau
As the head of the most powerful Khap Panchayat of India and MTV Youth Icon of the Year, Boochar Tau is expected to protect the honor of the show. Tau will be an exception to all the housemates till date as he will not cry, whine or sob during the show, but he’s expected to induce these emotions upon other housemates, especially the women housemates. Boochar Tau is rumored to be the person who’d settle the case between Shiney Ahuja and his maid, but producers have vehemently denied any such development taking place on the show.

Manoj Kumar
The veteran actor would complement Boochar Tau on issues of honor and self respect. He’s expected to expose the deadly intentions of China, Pakistan, USA and SRK on the show. It’s widely being speculated that Manoj Kumar will announce his decision to produce a film in partnership with Dev Anand during his stay at Big Boss’ house. Apparently it’s the Indian version of Men in Black with Manoj Kumar and Dev Anand being in the lead roles. There would also be an item number by some Hollywood celebrity in the movie, sources say.

Britney Spears
Another exotic addition to the show after last year’s experiment with Jade Goody, who unfortunately is no more on television. But like Goody, Britney too will have an early exit from the show without being voted out by the Indian viewers. According to the script, Manoj Kumar would ask her for a screen test for the item number in his movie and she would oblige by singing and dancing. Apparently she’d perform “hit me baby one more time” and will be hit by Boochar Tau by his lathi (bamboo stick) on head, leading to her emergency exit.

Andrew Symonds
While Britney might be out early, to retain the international appeal of the show, Big Boss 3 will see the Australian cricketer-fisherman Andrew Symonds as a housemate. Symonds will try to tell the cricket crazy nation of India how he deserves sympathy despite all the controversies surrounding him. Apparently Manoj Kumar will have a heated exchange with him over the issue of racial attack on Indian students down under and end up calling him a monkey, which will leave Symonds in tears, reminding us of what happened to Shilpa Shetty in Big Brother.

Kalavati
After pulling out of the Maharashtra assembly elections, Kalavati, the finding of Rahul Gandhi’s discovery of rural India, has finally decided to become a housemate in Big Boss. The NGO supporting her candidature as a housemate will share the SMS revenues with the producers of the show to further the cause of poor people in the country. Producers claim that they are trying to convey a message to the general public by inducting Kalavati as a housemate – the message that Indian political system needs the provision for a negative vote – just like people vote in Big Boss.

Piggy
Another innovative and creative addition by the Big Boss producers. Piggy, the cloned pig, would the first non-human being to star in any version of Big Boss in any part of the world. The producers claim that they are trying to convey yet another message around the world – that Swine Flu has got nothing to do with sweet little pigs – and it will be proved so, with none of the housemates getting the deadly disease at the end of the show. Like Shiney Ahuja, Piggy too will not be available to be voted out for the first two weeks of the show.

Meera
The Pakistani actress’ inclusion as a housemate is another attempt to add international flavor to the third season of Big Boss. Meera is expected to divulge secrets about her controversial marriage and how she was asked to apologize and pay a fine for kissing an Indian on screen. Meera could further court trouble as experts foresee further fine levied on Meera for cohabiting with a pig (Piggy in particular), which is a haraam animal according to Islamic tenets. Meera is excited over the prospects.

Baba Ram Rahim
While most people believed and speculated that it would be Baba Ramdev as a housemate in Big Boss season 3, our investigative team has learned that it’d be another spiritual guru, the controversial Baba Ram Rahim of Dera Sachcha Sauda, who would participate in the show as a housemate. Baba Ramdev had apparently refused the offer as he’s already signed another reality show where homosexuals would be treated live on television through yoga. Inclusion of Baba Ram Rahim is expected to push the TRPs in Punjab, Haryana and Canada.

Munaf Patel
Yes, there will be two cricketers as housemates this time (Andrew Symonds being the first one). Munaf is expected to share his experiences as a part of the Rajasthan Royals team and cry over the last year title loss. It’s rumored that Shilpa Shetty will make a special appearance in the show and console Munaf. Bobby Darling, the national transsexual, will also make a special appearance on the show and fight with Munaf for breaking his/her heart. Bobby will publicly ask every viewer to vote Munaf out.

Ekta Kapoor agrees for “Ekta Ka Swayamvar”

Chotu Ustaad — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:39:33 +0000

Mumbai. After the highest TRP gainer “Rakhi ka Swayamvar” and the already in production “Swayamvar Season 2 – Rahul Dulhan Le Jayega“, reliable sources from NDTV Imagine have confirmed Ekta Kapoor, the saas-bahu queen of http://www.fakingnews.com/wp-admin/post-new.phpIndian television, as the third participant in the series. In fact, according to an insider, Ekta was supposed to be the first celebrity to participate in the show, much before Rakhi, but due to some personal reasons, she could not make up her mind earlier.

Ekta’s consent to take part in the show now, as per speculations, is because of Karan Johar!

Ekta and Karan have been good professional friends for a long time. But a couple of months back, Karan shocked Ekta by giving a statement in media that they had agreed to marry each other if they did not find suitable partners for themselves shortly. Though Ekta did not ridicule Karan publically, she was heard talking to friends in a party, “Karan stinks of Miss Dior and Poison (read female perfumes) while I use Homme and Fahrenheit (read male perfumes). I would not marry him even if he is the last man alive.”

Hoping to scoff at Karan by finding a suitable groom for herself, Ekta had recently organized mock auditions at Balaji Telefilms. The actual purpose of the auditions was to shortlist a few suitors for Ekta. Though the news of applicant girls being forced to smooch guys was publicized by the media, the real news was suppressed by the organizers.

In fact, when the male applicants were asked to smooch Ekta during the audition, 33 out of 35 refused to oblige and ran away. The remaining two were identified as beggars aged 52 and 55 respectively.

Since that day, Ekta had been missing from the page-3 parties and has gone into her shell. Taking this as an opportunity, Sameer Nair, CEO- NDTV Imagine, re-approached Ekta to convince her to come out and participate in the show, to which she agreed happily this time around.

Ekta Ka Swayamvar

It is interesting to note that Karan Johar was also approached for the 3rd season of Swayamvar series. According to Nair, “Karan is a good friend of mine and we have already discussed the prospect of organizing his Swayamvar on television. But being confused with his orientation, he demanded to invite applications from both guys and girls. Since NDTV is an Indian family channel, we consider Indian culture and traditions before giving a green signal for any show. Though Article 377 has been annulled by the judiciary, there is little acceptance of gay relations in our country. So I had to say sorry to KJo.”

But according to insiders, this excuse is largely false. Actually, Nair feared receiving life threatening calls from Shahrukh once Karan agreed to marry on the show, because of which Nair had to call off “Karan Ka Swayamvar“.

Well, it will be interesting to see how many guys would like to watch the real saas-bahu drama in their homes itself after marrying Ekta. Karan Johar has already planned to apply for Ekta’s Swayamvar, sources confirmed.

Reality show winner wants government to respect privacy

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:55:25 +0000

The Pursuit of Truth

Mumbai. Harishchandra Sachbola, the man who shot to fame by becoming the first person to win one crore rupees in the reality show “Sach Ka Saamna”, believes that government must not snoop into the private lives of the citizens of India under the pretext of matters of national concern and security. Sachbola was addressing media persons after having won the reality show.

“It’s absolutely disgusting to see government agencies tapping your phones or reading your mails in name of national security and legal inquiry. Why are they so interested in my personal life? How does it matter to the nation what kind of relationships I have with my friends and relatives? The state can’t be allowed to do such things and I urge all progressive persons to unite against this state sponsored voyeurism.” Sachbola appealed.

Harishchandra Sachbola, who works as a marketing manager in an MNC in Delhi, claimed that he had always suspected government intentions and had taken part in various online campaigns to protect individual privacy. Sachbola gave out URLs of thirteen of his blogs which he thought media persons would be interested in reporting about. Some of the blogs had sensational stories of Sachbola’s past affairs apart from his views on human, animal and gay rights.

The Hierarchy of Truth

Earlier Harishchandra Sachbola ‘correctly’ answered all the twenty one questions related to his private, social and professional life to win the reality show. In course of answering the questions, he accepted that his son sucked like a leech and that he covetously wished he had slept with the hot wife of his best friend. He also thought that his dad took premature retirement to free ride on his money.

Sachbola’s family members, who were present during the reality show and cried at regular intervals, expressed happiness over his victory. They thought that Sachbola was an obsessive compulsive truth speaker and seeker, and his sentiments should be respected by everyone. Sachbola himself agreed that he liked speaking the ‘truth’.

“I enjoyed answering all questions. I’m an independent man and I don’t care what the society thinks about me. At least I have the guts to speak the truth that other people simply avoid. They didn’t ask else I wanted to tell the truth about Brahmins and Muslims. Man, they suck!” Sachbola expressed the desire to speak more truths.

He also declared that he would use the prize money to help treat people who were pathological liars and didn’t tell their wives about the porn-stars they fantasized while having sex with them. He appealed to the television channel broadcasting the show to help him find a partner hospital that could sponsor his therapeutic campaign for the betterment of the society.