Faking News » Opinion

Vote to choose “Faking News Digvijay Singh of the Year”

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:09:44 +0000

Digvijay Singh, the legend himself, with the trophy that will be awarded to the winner.

Faking News owes to people who speak a lot (sorry Dr. Manmohan Singh), especially those who speak without thinking. Because the more they speak, the easier it becomes for us to find topics to write on. That’s why we have decided to honor such brave-mouths for their spectacular deeds in the year 2011, with a title aptly called “Digvijay Singh of the Year” – named after the person who does it with unmatched aplomb.

We have shortlisted five candidates each in five broad categories – Politics, Entertainment, Cricket, Journalism, and Others – based on your responses on Twitter and Facebook (sorry Google Plus), and now is the time to select the winner.

We start with politics, and there were dozens of nominations, but the final five nominees (based on popular choice) are:

Kapil Sibal – for ‘zero loss’ and ‘internet censorship’ comments
Manish Tewary – for ‘Anna is corrupt from head to toe’ comment
Rahul Gandhi – for ‘beggar’ and ‘99% terror attacks stopped’ comments
Mayawati – for her ‘Assange is mad and Wikileaks anti-dalit’ comment
Nitin Gadkari – for the comment that led to everyone in BJP becoming PM’s candidate

Direct link to the above poll: http://poll.fm/3fl31

The nominees for Digvijay Singh of the Entertainment world are:

Kamaal Rashid Khan (KRK) – for his comments on Twitter
Poonam Pandey – for claiming she will pose nude after world cup victory
Rakhi Sawant – for her professed love for Baba Ramdev and Anna Hazare
Pooja Mishra – for her comments in the television reality show Bigg Boss
Mahesh Bhatt – for his comments on Sunny Leone and pornography

Direct link to the above poll: http://poll.fm/3fl3d

The nominees for Digvijay Singh of Cricket include the names of non-Indians too:

Vinod Kambli: for his comments on 1996 World Cup Semi-Final being fixed
Shoaib Akhtar: for his comments in his autobiography
Nasser Hussain: for his ‘donkey’ comments
Arun Lal: for his comments in the commentary box
Michael Vaughan: for his ‘Vaseline’ comment

Direct link to the above poll: http://poll.fm/3fl3i

Who will be Digvijay Singh of Journalism:

Sagarika Ghose: for her comments on Internet Hindus
Barkha Dutt: for some unspecified comments
Rajdeep Sardesai: for his daily theories in gnight tweets
Arnab Goswami: for his comments in ALL CAPS
Pagal Patrakar: may you all rot in hell who nominated me

Direct link to the above poll: http://poll.fm/3fl3p

And the final five nominees for Digvijay Singh of the other kind:

Vishwa Bandhu Gupta: for his ‘cloud computing’ comments
Team Anna: for their comments on politicians
Swami Agnivesh: for his comments on Team Anna
Suhel Seth: for his comments on everything
Justice Katju: for his comments on media and internet

Direct link to the above poll: http://poll.fm/3fl3x

Please vote for your “favorite” nominee and help him/her win this “honor”. The voting will continue till the 10:00 PM on 28^th December 2011 and a final winner will be announced the same day. 28^th of this month is being chosen because that’s Digvijay Singh’s favorite number.

Do share the links to the polls and ask your friends to take part in the most important poll of the year.

There does not seem to be any related news, but you may like this one:
Sharad Pawar wishes Happy Teacher’s Day to Kapil (who?)

What is Anna, Arindam, or Gandhiji thinking/saying here?

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 07:22:12 +0000

On Friday, 26^th August, IIPM Dean Arindam Chaudhuri delivered a passionate speech arguing that many people in India live up to the age of 80 years because they allow many other fellow countrymen to die at the age of 40 years. There were other pearls of wisdom too that were delivered from the stage where Anna fasted and Gandhiji’s photo rested. What do you think was going through their minds?

Dare to think beyond the Parliament?

(Many people on Faking News’ Facebook page have already expressed their opinion on this. You can read them here)

The Lost Symbol: telecom companies making an ass out of us?

Guest Patrakar — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 10:25:10 +0000

After a reader of Faking News pointed out the possible “inspiration” behind Airtel’s new logo, our investigative journalism team decided to dig further into the issue. After a month long investigation, our team has concluded that there was more to it than what meets our eyes. There clearly seems a hidden message in all the logos that appear inspired from the posteriors of various living beings.

Are they trying to make an ass of every one of us? Take a look yourself:

The source of Airtel's logo is no longer a secret

DoCoMo website showed sea as background when it was launched, now they have changed it to hide the source of their logo?

Reliance always aims for “high” values

Instead of ZooZoos and Pugs, why doesn’t Vodafone reveal their real brand ambassador?

(submitted through email by SN)

Five events that will make real headlines in the year 2011

Jurno Least — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 13:25:30 +0000

As the year 2010 comes to an end with all kinds of scams making news, most of you must be getting ready to get more of scam related news in the coming year, but the assessment of our editorial team differs. We bring to you five non-scam events that we think would surely happen and create “Breaking News” across the newspapers and television channels.

1. Bollywood legalizes plagiarism

In 2011, Bollywood is set to “unofficially” legalize plagiarism. Sharing is caring, they say. Leading this revolution is music composer Pritam, who intends to start a website that will …hold your breath… at the click of a mouse convert any song to Pritam’s version. Technology does make life easier for Pritam at least. Faking News caught up with Pritam to find out more and he did share with us the ‘first look’ of his website:

The name and look of the website is a little inspired from different sources

2. Kingfisher to launch calendar featuring “men”

December is the time when Vijay Mallya, the King of good times unveils his calendar. But in 2011 the calendar will focus on a different target audience –women, who have anyway been his target for long, if not audience. The inaugural calendar will feature some male celebrities from different fields:

Anil Ambani, Arindam Chaudhuri and Shibu Soren get hotter

3. Superstar Rajinikanth to endorse a commercial product

Rajini mania will continue to grab the nation’s eyeballs and SMS joke forwards. Marketing managers are willing to spend billions to get Rajini as brand ambassador for their products even as the superstar has kept away from such commercial dealings. But it would change in 2011 and Thalaivar would accept a few endorsements. But since Rajini is involved, the end result may not be as expected:

Chaunk gaye? Rajinikanth mitaaye saare daag, err... sab kuchh

4. Sensex signals its performance in the first quarter itself

People keenly discuss how the bourses are going to perform in future and the speculations keep on happening all the year long. But the sensitive index of the Bombay Stock Exchange would signal what to expect the whole year in the first 3 months of 2011 itself:

Take it punters!

5. Preity Zinta officially breaks up with ex-boyfriend Ness Wadia

When we talk about “Breaking News”, how can we ignore India TV? Well, the fifth event in itself is not such a big development, but India TV would make it much more than that:

No caption needed!

Why Indian parliament should say “bahut dhanyawaad” to Pamela Anderson

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 12:49:03 +0000

It’s her first visit to India and pity that she’d be locked in a useless house with some idiots. She deserved something much bigger, as she had always deserved, and got them implanted when nature denied them. But as Indians, we shouldn’t have denied her the opportunity to see a country, which has been shaped as much by her as by our current Prime Minister.

Yes, she is Pamela Anderson, one woman every Indian loved, regardless of his or umm… his caste, class, religion, language, education, and ethics. She was the first, and maybe the only till date, outcome of the liberalization policy initiated by our current Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, which every Indian has been able to experience equally. There are no two Hindustans as far as Pamela is concerned.

Most of us saw our Pam in the 1990’s; when our country was going through an economic crisis, Mandir madness and Mandal mayhem. Amitabh Bachchan had retired and a new boy called Shah Rukh Khan was seen stuttering with a strange hair-cut. Ajay Jadeja was our dream hard-hitter and DD Metro zoomed in on only the face of Mandira Bedi (Shanti – Ek Aurat Ki Kahani).

What a smile. Look at those luscious lips. Yes, lips.

Under such acute circumstances, if there was anyone who saved our whole generation from going retard, it was Pamela Anderson. She raised us as nothing else and no one else could.

When we assembled at one of our friend’s house to watch Baywatch or “read” Playboy, all of us used to forget the 223 runs that India couldn’t chase successfully despite Sachin’s century the previous night. We didn’t even care if our friend was a Muslim or belonged to a different caste; Pamela was all that mattered, Pamela united us.

When internet arrived, Pamela Anderson (and other variants) was one of the first keywords we learnt to type in AltaVista. In fact, she has her role in making India the IT superpower. Not only people got a huge incentive to learn internet, our systems and network were safe as no Indian felt the need to click pamela-anderson-topless.exe; they already had good collection with themselves.

Who knows that the big diaspora of Indians in the US was the result of Borat-like voyage to abduct Pamela and marry her?

But bhagwaan ke ghar der hai andher nahi. No Indian needed to abduct her and Pamela is coming to India of her own. But pity that she might go back after taking part in that useless reality show.

Faking News appeals to the government of India to convince Pamela to extend her stay in India and make it more “meaningful”.

She should be made the guest of the nation and a joint session of the parliament should convey “bahut dhanyawad” to her.

Exposed: top secret letters exchanged before A Raja resigned

The Licensed Lunatic — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 07:42:06 +0000

Faking News has accessed a series of letters exchanged between the top leaders of our country in the last few days, which has now concluded with A Raja resigning from the union cabinet. These letters were supposed to be classified and not meant for public consumption, but a whistleblower in the PMO has sent them to us. The letters were sent to WikiLeaks as well, but the team there is still busy reading the Iraq war documents.

The first letter was sent by AIADMK leader J Jayalalithaa:

Dear Manmohan Singgh,

I very well know the fact that these media people will keep inflatingg this Raja’s 2G scandal case for a week and then forgget about it and targget some other person. But this should never happen. People must not forgget this act of national betrayal. I have certain suggggestions to you and I would be gglad if it is implemented.

In all the Engglish words containingg the letter ‘G’, the letter has to be written twice so that people will be remembering the ’2G’ scam, and ggiggggle every time they see Raja.
All the popular names must be changged in their spellingg. From now on, names like Gandhiji, Nehruji, Bhajji and Jumanji must be written as GandhiG, NehruG, BhajG and JumanG respectively.
The History subject must be removed from the School syllabus as I stronggly believe that knowingg about other Indian Rajas (Kinggs) will set a bad example to the kids.

On dismissingg Raja, if that DMK withdraws support, I will ggive 18 seats from AIADMK ggroup. And I will assure that all the 18 seats will be neatly stitched and will have sufficient amount of cushion in it to make the seatingg comfortable. I assure to give an ‘unconditional’ support to your GGovernment, and all you have to do is to fulfill my 1,123 conditions before taking my 18 seats.

Yours unconditionally,
J.Jayalalithaa,
Also known as Amma.

Of course, the mainstream media could only know about the demand of sacking A Raja and offer of Amma’s support in case DMK withdraws support to the Manmohan Singh government, and that’s what DMK president Karunanidhi got to know, which prompted him to write the following letter:

Dear Brother,

I am writing this letter with a very heavy heart as my heart has grown too big after learning that our country lost 1.76 lakh crore rupees due to A Raja. I have called the Tamil Nadu police and the Scotland Yard to find the sum that has been lost. We have also started advertising on ‘our’ TVs and I am sure that we will find the lost amount very soon. We have also signed a MoU with Google to inform us as soon as they find it.

And Amma is lying. Even if she wins a parliament seat and counts herself as equal to 6 MPs, she will not be able to match us. Our sum is more than you can imagine. No one can divide that.

Ever confidently,
Dr. Kalaignar.

The letters are still lying safe in the PMO

Clearly, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was not so amused with the letter. He texted “wassup dude? Any updates?” to A Raja himself using his latest 3G services, following which the tainted minister wrote:

Dear Savior,

I know you will have doubts whether to dismiss me from the post or not. Please don’t worry. No one knows what power I have in Tamil Nadu. I have strictly ordered my optician not to disclose it to anyone. A few weeks back, a small incident happened and it was then I realized what my potential is, indeed.

I attended the conference where Dr. Vaseegaran displayed his first andro-humanoid creation – Chitti, The Robot. Everyone was asking questions to Chitti and it was answering all of theirs. It was at that time one of the scientists next to me asked Chitti, “What is the largest prime number you know?”

I, then, out of curiosity asked the scientist what is a prime number, for which the scientist replied that such a number can only be divided by one and the number itself (meanwhile Chitti was busy typing).

Chitti then showed a large number and said, “It would take 10 years for you to check if it is right or wrong.”

It was only the next morning I counted the 2G scam money I had. I was pretty much sure that the number I counted was definitely more than the number Chitti typed. And I can surely say that the number I counted was a prime number because except one (you know who he is) no one else can divide that sum. It was only then I realized that I am more capable than Chitti. So better don’t take me off from the Ministry.

Yours ‘faithfully’,
A Raja.

Dr. Manmohan Singh was crazy as hell at this point of time and hence he forwarded all the letters to UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi and authorized her to take a decision on the A Raja issue.

Sonia Gandhi replied within an hour:

Dear Manmohan,

Forget what Amma has said or what Karunanidhi means, we’ll take a call next year when assembly elections in Tamil Nadu take place. Let’s see what A Raja has said; it’s very interesting.

If the 2G scam sum is more than the largest prime number, surely it will take more than 10 years even for a learned scientist to find that out. That’s another two terms for the UPA! But where is the money? This Raja guy can’t talk like this. He should be taught a lesson.

Furthermore, our perception has been improving since we have removed Ashok Chavan and Suresh Kalmadi (even though he’s still the president of IOA, LOL!) and RSS has been helping us by acting like asses. We must capitalize on this and kick this Raja out. Ask Dr. Karunanidhi to appoint a Rajkumar (but no Yuvraaj, make that clear) to replace Raja.

You should break this news to Karunanidhi the way you deem fit.

Yours,
Sonia Gandhi.

Manmohan Singh wrote the last letter to Dr. Karunanidhi:

Dear Savior,

I know how much valuable Raja is for our country’s growth and development. But all good things must come to an end. So we have sacked him, but DMK should say he has resigned.

Please don’t take it otherwise. He will undoubtedly be the 2G hero of India and from now on, the last spectrum of the VIBGYOR series, which has been known as the Red spectrum, will be renamed as Raja spectrum as a tribute to his selfless soul and for your cooperation.

Looking forward to my honorary degree in Kalaignar Thoughts.

Yours dependently,
MMS.
(sent from my PMO’s PC on 3G)

(the writer blogs here)

Give a caption to picture of this smart doggie with attitude

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 17:11:21 +0000

While a recent research had claimed that pet dogs were growing dumber due to co-habiting with the human beings, the following picture arguably shows a different image, a really smart dog full of confidence and attitude. Take a look at the picture and let us know what comes first to your mind. A sample caption is given but you can definitely come up with better ones.

Style, attitude, confidence, looks, authority, et al.

(You can also find out what others had to say about the same picture on facebook)

An open letter to Nitish Kumar from a non resident Bihari

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 09:55:23 +0000

Dear Nitish,

A Non Resident Bihari here.

I hope it doesn’t sound downright funny anymore to call yourself a Bihari, which surely was the case till you didn’t become the Chief Minister of Bihar. You know, one of my fellow Bihari friends used to answer “IIT Kharagpur” whenever someone in our business school asked him where he came from.

I haven’t talked to him for some time now, we live in different cities; you know Biharis are everywhere. But I hope now he says “Patna” unapologetically if asked the same question. You can take pride in this change of attitude in him as you symbolized a ‘change’ in Bihar when you won the elections five years ago.

But I have heard that these days you are taking pride in returning money given to your government for rehabilitation of flood victims. Guess your Bihari pride was hurt when some people considered close to that Modi chap issued an advertisement that allegedly boasted of some money given to the poor perennially drowning Biharis living in the Kosi area.

It was an insult to the poor people of Bihar you thought, maybe it was.

It was in papers today

This morning when I thought of writing this letter to you, I picked up my morning newspaper. For some funny reason, I buy The Times of India, New Delhi edition. And guess what, on the front page, just below the masthead on the left side, there was a quote attributed to The Bible:

“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”

I am not saying anything. This is what The Bible says, and this is what the editors of apparently the largest selling English daily chose to publish today morning. I hope you get the message. And I don’t think you will disagree with a biblical quote; else your secular credentials could go for a toss.

That’s why I believe that all this talk of Bihari pride being hurt is bullshit. Because you are a prudent man and not a fool, as The Bible says. But I’m not sure if you are being prudent as well in your plans.

In fact I’m not sure what your plans are.

Are you thinking of impressing the Bihari Muslims? Or are you thinking of impressing Congress?

Yes, most of the Muslims, whether Biharis or otherwise, don’t like Narendra Modi, just as most of the witty people don’t like Rakhi Sawant. This, in turn, has given rise to a phenomenon, where some people criticize Modi to impress the Muslims, just as many people make jokes on Rakhi Sawant to impress the wit-loving audiences.

But as you would well appreciate, real wit goes beyond Rakhi Sawant, just as real secularism goes beyond Narendra Modi. The witty people realize this difference, do you think the Muslims don’t? I leave it upon you to say what you think about the Muslims.

And Bihari Muslims? They have been so unfortunate. At the time of partition, many of them couldn’t travel to Pakistan because it was too far off and hence they went to Bangladesh, then East Pakistan. They were never treated as one of them for obvious reasons. In fact they were seen as Urdu speaking agents of the West Pakistan.

During the Bangladeshi war of Independence, they sided with the Pakistanis and many of them are still languishing in refugee camps for almost 40 years now, repenting that mistake and waiting for Pakistan to take them ‘home’. Pakistan has shown no interest in doing so. Bangladesh has submitted no dossiers to this effect. They are neither Pakistani nor Bangladeshi now. They are still called Bihari Muslims.

Why I’m saying this? Because I believe that most Muslims in Bihar realize that their identity is built more around being a Bihari than being a Muslim, right since independence. I don’t know how much has it changed now, but when Biharis are beaten up in Mumbai, nobody asks their caste or religion.

Maybe being a Non Resident Bihari, I’m missing something. All the best if you think you can impress Bihari Muslims through this act.

But don’t tell me you are trying to impress Congress. There is no point dude! Even Congress is not trying to impress itself there, else why has Rahul Gandhi not eaten litti-chokha at a Bihari dalit’s home till now? And Rahul is smart. He doesn’t want to bite more than he can chew. Maybe you could learn one or two things from him.

I can understand if you want to break up from BJP and for that you are accusing that Modi chap for having behaved in an uncultured way. My friend also accused his girl friend of hitting on his younger brother before breaking up. Basically he was seeing a new girl, who he thought was sexier. But Congress is your new girl in Bihar? Serious? What’s so sexy about it?

Dude, Congress has even lost its size-zero figure that it maintained in Bihar during Lalu Yadav days. Now it wins a few seats, but yet not so much that you could be smitten by its curviness or buxomness. Furthermore, it doesn’t yet have a face, forget beautiful or ugly, or even a voice there. I wonder what you fell for.

But again, being a Non Resident Bihari, maybe I’m missing something.

Also, I have learnt that the five crore rupees that you returned was an ‘unspent’ amount from the relief and rehabilitation budget, even as news reports claim that people are still living without a roof in the Kosi river belt area. Why was those five crores not spent on building roofs? That doesn’t impress anybody you see. And now that such news reports are out, it seems like your decision of returning the money was a self goal. FIFA world cup fever, eh?

Well, it doesn’t matter if you snub Modi or dump BJP, after all Naveen Patnaik not far away in Orissa demonstrated that one could do it successfully and to a good effect, but don’t lose your USP. You symbolized ‘change’ – in attitude, in politics, in news reports coming out of Bihar – don’t let that change for worse.

Yours truly,
A Non Resident Bihari.

There does not seem to be any related news, but you may like this one:
If Commonwealth Games were organized in Soviet Russia

Rahul Gandhi turns 40 today. What will he turn next year?

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 06:45:14 +0000

Rahul Gandhi turns 40 today, 40-years-old that is

Ah, just take a look at that charming endearing lovely sexy breathtaking smile; can you believe he turned 40 today!? Unbelievable! He seems a sweet sixteen any day any moment; a complete antithesis to Shahid Afridi, whom we Indians just can’t believe to have remained under 30 even after ages.

But since Congress says so, we must not dispute it else our patriotism could be disputed. So our beloved Rahul Gandhi turns 40 today, period! Let’s all unite in wishing a very Happy Birthday to him!

When other media organizations are busy finding a Rajiv Gandhi in him or hunting a suitable bride for him, how can Faking News not discharge its duty of being a respectable news source? Hence we are also asking you to take part in this poll:

(you can also track other people’s opinion on the same poll here on facebook)

What are Vijay Mallya and his son doing with Lalit Modi here?

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 17 May 2010 11:20:00 +0000

Mallya, Modi (upside down), and Mallya

No, this picture is not fake. The father son duo of the UB group and the father of IPL are having nice time in Monaco. But as they say, a picture tells a thousand words, so can you tell us what does this picture tells you? What message does it convey to you – about good times, about beer, about cricket, about parenting? You could post your comments here and check out comments on facebook too.

An open letter to Lalit Modi (please tell us the truth before you go)

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 07:54:09 +0000

It’s widely believed that whenever he gets a letter, Lalit Modi reads between the lines

Dear Lalit,

Dude, stop gawking at that girl, and concentrate on this letter.

That’s better.

At the outset I want to make it clear that I am not your fan, not even on facebook. In fact, starting today, facebook tried to make things easier by removing the concept of being a fan; now they just ask you to like something. Nice step, but too late, now I don’t even like you.

Why? Because Shashi Tharoor had to resign after you tweeted about Sunanda Pushkar. I don’t care man whether he was right or wrong, but you were completely wrong with your timing. Barely a week had passed since Shashi Tharoor started following Faking News on twitter, and now he’s jobless.

Do you realize that India TV could invite some taantrik and analyze the kundli of Faking News to find out if this was the reason Tharoor lost his job? They can very easily declare Faking News as manhoos (sinister and inauspicious) as it was born (founded) on a day Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. And this could cause Gul Panag to feel jittery as she was next to follow Faking News on twitter.

Seriously, what were you thinking when you tweeted that? Were you high on cocaine or has success got into your head?

Success? What success? What did you risk to get it? If IPL was a flop show, it wouldn’t have cost you a rupee. SRK, Mallya, Ambani and others would have got poorer, and of course BCCI that runs on public money would have got poorer, which means the tax payers were taking the risk, not you. You were just getting richer, as the Income Tax department has been saying for over six months now.

And don’t tell me that IPL was your brainchild; you just changed one word of ICL and applied the business model of EPL. If IPL is your brainchild, I’m the father of fake news reporting.

In fact, I feel so sorry for Subhash Chandra, look what you have done:

ICL (Indian Cricket League) – IPL (Indian Premier League)
Mumbai Champs – Mumbai Indians
Chennai Superstars – Chennai Super Kings
Chandigarh Lions – Kings XI Punjab (with lions in their logo)
Royal Bengal Tigers – Kolkata Knight Riders (hmmm…)
Hyderabad Heroes – Deccan Chargers (full marks for this)
Delhi Giants – Delhi Daredevils
Ahmedabad Rockets – oh fuck, this Tharoor guy spoiled the fun

I seriously don’t understand why could Shashi Tharoor not see this and had to go crazy about a Kochi team, could he not have waited for another year?

Anyway, he had to resign for his love, but I hear that you too could be asked to resign. LOL!

Okay, sorry! But before you go, could you blow the lid completely off this drama called IPL? I promise that I’d like you on facebook for this.

You know, people are talking all kinds of things about IPL. This makes me feel so guilty after watching an IPL match, just like I feel guilty after watching porn. I might have watched it for momentary pleasure, but indirectly I could be guilty of helping human trafficking and forced prostitution. Easy, I meant watching porn, what were you thinking?

So please tell us the truth before you go. And don’t tell us any cock-and-bull story like you claimed that someone had hacked your twitter account. Come on, were you not trying your AdultFriendFinder password on twitter before you suddenly realized the mistake? This is human, accept and move on.

And yeah, don’t worry if you lose your job, Vishal Bhardwaj is planning a sequel to Kaminey, and he might drop Shahid Kapoor and pick you for the role. Fuper! Fahi ja rahe ho doft!

Yours truly,

Pagal Patrakar (PP).

(by the way, my friend Khamba too wrote a letter to you and wanted me to deliver it to you, but I thought you may not like it, if you have time, maybe you could check it out here)

Caption it! What is Arindam Chaudhuri saying to the world?

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 18:25:58 +0000

Management Guru, Economist, Entrepreneur, Professor, Motivational Speaker and Philosopher Mr. Arindam Chaudhuri’s some of the well known statements include “count your chickens before they hatch”, “discover the diamond in you” and of course, “dare to think beyond the IIMs”. But his pearls of wisdom don’t end with these statements. Can you guess what could he be telling here to the large audience assembled to hear him?

"it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a .... "

some responses to the same picture on facebook can be seen here

An open letter to Shoaib Malik (hope this one is delivered)

Khamba — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 07:53:39 +0000

Dear Shoaib.

First off, let me congratulate you for believing in the concept of marriage so much, that you were willing to come here and surrender your passport to the Hyderabad police. Inshallah, in case you get arrested tomorrow, you will be the second most famous Pakistani in our prisons since Ajmal Kasab. You have no idea how excited I am at the possibility of hearing Rehman Malik call you a non-state actor.

Sania Mirza and Shoaib Malik discuss why they haven’t received their respective letters each

Let me also express my condolences for being tricked into thinking that Sania Mirza was a Pakistani citizen. I completely understand how tricky it can be, given a city of the same name also exists in your native land, and given your opinion (which you so rightly expressed after your loss to us kafirs in the 2007 T20 World Cup) that it is the only place in the world where true Muslims such as our lovely tennis starlet can live. Those extra-curricular classes with Inzamam and Yousuf Youhana turned out to be a total bitch, huh?

I do want to take the time however, to give you a few pointers about life in general.

I know you’re from Sialkot, where a woman showing her eyes is akin to being in a Hooters bar, but there are some things which I want you to keep in mind in case you decide to venture out in the world again.

Stop using Yahoo Chat and get on Skype: Again, perhaps you didn’t hear about Skype being from a small town and all – but it’s a totally rocking piece of software where you can actually SEE the person you are talking to. Dump that Yahoo id where you play a/s/l a/s/l with everyone whose name even sounds remotely like a woman’s. And DON’T click on that id with a TV next to it! Those webcams are totally fake!

Don’t “fall in love” with someone’s pictures: Trust me when I say I find you good looking. In fact, so good looking that you have more potential than Harman Baweja and Uday Chopra will ever have to produce a hit. Then why sell yourself short like that? Women NEVER send their real pictures online. So if you want to jerk off, let me refer you to www.redtube.com – Real women, real fun! And yes, desibaba.com shut down a LONG time ago

Stop telling the media you treated Ayesha like your elder sister: Really? That you called Ayesha Siddiqui “aapa” is your defense? All you are doing is giving more fillip to the stereotype that people from your country keep marrying their own cousins and sisters. So think about the consequences.

Apologize to Inzaman and make friends with Yuvraj Singh: You realize he will beat the crap out of you when he finds out the reason you weren’t performing was that you were up all night before the match sexting an Indian cross between Oprah and Ugly Betty? Make friends with Yuvraj Singh NOW and see how it’s done in style!

Blame it on Ijaz Butt: Seriously, if nothing else works, that will.

That said, I wish you and Sania the best of luck for your wedding. Oh and, before I finish, make sure you work out before the big night, I hear she’s a bit on the heavier side.

XOXO

Khamba

(written by Khamba after surviving all comments and reactions to his earlier open letter to Sania Mirza)

An open letter to Sania Mirza (returned by postal department)

Khamba — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 10:25:25 +0000

I’m pissed Sania. Pissed.

For years I have tolerated your pathetic second round exits on court and not said anything in the spirit of feminism. For years I have not commented on the size of your ever increasing love handles brought on by copious amounts of biryani. For years I have heard you make an ass of yourself at press conferences and make incoherent excuses in a fake accent.

For years I have told myself that my friends in Hyderabad were wrong in saying that you stank and people didn’t like sitting next to you in high school. I even supported you when the mullahs were against your dressing sense (largely because your shaking thunder thighs reminded me of the good ol days of Silk Smitha’s erotic movies).

But today, along with 500 million other horny teenagers whose access to good looking Muslim women ended with Jemima Khan’s posters, I say enough!

Today, I stop cheering for you at your matches. Today, I stop calling your rack as the best on the WTA circuit. Today, I stop googling “Sania Mirza sexy hot pics”.

Today, I am switching to badminton and becoming a fan of Saina Nehwal. Look her up; she can be totally hot if she wants to be.

Of all the people you had to leave poor ol Mohammad Sohrab Mirza and his snazzy engagement Armani suit for – you had to go with Shoaib Malik?

What is it about losers that they always end up with others of their kind? Has Fatima Bhutto ever wanted to get married to Lakshmipathy Balaji? Has Shireen Mazari ever expressed love for Shiv Shankar Menon?

Sania Mirza’s decision to marry outside India is expected to reinstate Mandira Bedi as the most favorite sportswoman of India

Did you watch Veer Zaraa one too many times? Does your family not have a copy of Lakshya at home? Is this some lameass attempt at making the “Aman Ki Asha” campaign a success? Do you realize it will in fact do more damage as every Indian would get even more pissed off? Do you realize how this will only continue to reinforce the stereotype of marrying within the community?

Do you know you are already being called Pakistan ki Bahu even though Shoaib Malik was never even treated like their own son?

Do you realize how many visas our embassy will have to issue for his entire extended family to come down here for the ceremony? Do you realize why Shoaib Akhtar got a bout of genital warts?

Do you realize Asif Ali Zardari might end up at your wedding and make cheesy-ass remarks while grinning from ear to ear?

Do you realize the LeT will do a 22 gun salute in Muridke? Do you realize, your wedding might just have ONE DISH as per law in Pakistan? All that feminist bullshit and you will move because of your man to Dubai?

Dubai?! Who the fuck goes to Dubai anymore? Even Mohammad Asif said fuck this – I’m injecting at home. As if every tom dick and harry in this country singing Atif Aslam songs wasn’t bad enough. Not even the good ones.

Years of BCCI’s plans, foreign policy diktats and millions of young people’s aspirations have been broken thanks to your horny little uber-bitch move. I’m giving you one and a half years before you get pregnant and leave the sport. Anything more and I will start wearing a Barcelona jersey and keep tweeting about the UEFA Champions League as if my being a supporter will make anyone give a shit.

And take that damn nose ring off – it makes you look like a total slut.

(written by Khamba after six bottles of beer and posted without a stamp; the postal department delivered it to Faking News office instead)

to marry outside India

Should IPL be nationalized and its shares offered to public?

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:00:24 +0000

Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has taken a seemingly innocuous question by a journalist seriously where this unidentified journalist had asked Lalit Modi if IPL had any plans to go public i.e. come out with an IPO and offer its shares to the public for trading on stock exchanges. While Modi denied any such possibility, we demand that IPL must go public, even if it means the tournament being nationalized i.e. being taken over by the government.

IPL has huge money. Let’s get our share!

“Why should we go public? We don’t need money!” Lalit Modi had apparently said while denying any such possibility.

But we say, “Who cares man if you don’t need the money. We need it!”

According an estimate, IPL’s brand value is around 4.13 billion US Dollars; that’s more than 40% of the disinvestment target the UPA government had set in its annual budget for this financial year!

So Pranab Da, please go for a hostile takeover of IPL.

And there is nothing wrong in it. IPL is not a private venture anyway. Lalit Modi (prosperity be upon him) and his team can, and should, continue as the IPL managers even after the takeover by the government, and help the common citizens of India realize great returns on his or her investment the same way he has helped Shah Rukh Khan and Vijay Mallya realize great returns.

Earlier this week, when the Delhi state government had presented its annual budget, it had proposed to do away with some of the subsidies currently being offered to the people to fund the Commonwealth Games. This caused an outrage among the Delhiwalas.

“Why should I pay for holding the Games? I didn’t tell the government to host it!” protested a Delhi daredevil. If the same guy was to be offered a share of IPL, he would have happily bought it, and in essence, would have happily funded the Games. Isn’t that cool?

And if you are not Robin Hood types and don’t believe in robbing Peter to pay Paul, we can have a compromise – only the “above par” share value realized from the IPO would go to non-cricket sports or other activities. This value is not being realized at all with the ownership of IPL currently resting in the hands of BCCI.

Some of the franchisees have already talked about plans of going public. But we don’t want to have a share of Rajasthan Royals, Delhi Daredevils, et al. We don’t trust their managers with our wealth.

In Modi, we trust.

We want shares of IPL.

MPs could undergo sex change surgeries to bypass women’s reservation

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:30:36 +0000

New Delhi. A study undertaken by Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has revealed that many Indian politicians could go for sex-change surgeries to bypass the provisions of women’s reservation bill whenever it becomes a law. The bill provisions for one-third of the parliamentary seats to be reserved for contest by women candidates only, and it has met sharp opposition from many members of the parliament in the past.

The study was conducted through interviews and focused group discussions among existing and potential politicians, and vital inputs were solicited from lawyers, doctors, and mathematicians. The study reveals that there was 99.53% chances of a person undergoing sex change operation (from being a man into being a woman) to either enjoy the benefits of the reservation or to salvage one’s parliamentary seat.

The future of Indian politics – pregnant with possibilities

“Reservations based on one’s gender are vulnerable to be misused. Just like religion-based reservations can encourage religious conversions, gender-based reservation can encourage sexual conversions.” FNIG report pointed out the inherent risk in the bill.

The report suggests that the qualification of ‘being a woman’ must be properly and comprehensively defined in the bill before it is passed.

The report advocates for setting up a Central Bureau for Identification of Gender (CBI-G) for issuing ‘sex certificates’.

“CBI-G must award woman certificates to only those persons, who have been a full-functioning woman for at least fifteen continuous years at that time. The definition of a full-functioning woman should be made as stringent as possible, similar to what they use in athletics.” the FNIG report suggested.

Leaders from the kill-bill parties like Samajwadi Party, RJD, BSP, et al. have welcomed the findings of the FNIG report, and have cautioned the government not to push the women’s reservation bill in wake of the new findings.

“We always knew that there was a conspiracy, and it was an ill-thought bill.” Mualayam Singh Yadav sounded like saying this while welcoming the findings.

But women’s rights groups have criticized these leaders and have rejected the finding of the report. They have also accused FNIG of being full of male chauvinist pigs, who were trying to scuttle the passage of the bill that has been pending for over 15 years now. We reject these charges.

Fortunately, some women’s rights activists have come out in support of Faking News and have welcomed the findings of the report, although they didn’t agree with the suggestion of making the definition of a full-functioning woman too stringent.

“I guess it would be a welcome development if men underwent sex-change surgeries. We have just too many men around today. The sex ratio of our country is skewed badly and is causing all sorts of problems. If the FNIG report is true, finally we can see more women being born, who were otherwise denied birth.” Anandi, a women’s rights activist opined.

Women’s reservation bill could be tabled yet again in the parliament on March 8, incidentally the International Women’s Day, and it would be interesting to see what impact FNIG report has on its future.

Is SRK hand in gloves with Shiv Sena to promote his movie?

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 10:03:57 +0000

Faking News has got some conclusive proof to show that Shahrukh Khan might be colluding with Shiv Sena to promote his upcoming movie My Name Is Khan (MNIK). Our technology correspondent has been able to get this screenshot from Shahrukh Khan’s inbox, which shows exchange of a few messages between him and Shiv Sena leader Uddhav Thackeray. It seems that to counter the “paid news” phenomenon in the media, political parties and celebrities are coming up with innovative ways to attract media coverage.

The snapshot of the facebook inbox of Shahrukh Khan follows:

Shahrukh Khan and Uddhav Thackeray discuss film promotion?

If news channels were to report Silencer’s balatkar speech from 3 Idiots

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 22:17:43 +0000

Imagine if Chatur Ramalingam aka Silencer’s speech on Teacher’s Day from the movie 3 Idiots were to be a real event. How would have the leading Hindi news channels of India reported it? Faking News tries to imagine the Breaking News headlines that would have been flashed by five leading Hindi news channels. If you haven’t watched 3 Idiots, you can watch the concerned clip here.

Disclaimer: the photoshop quality is pretty ordinary and the screens don’t resemble the exact appearance of the screen of respective news channels

Zee News: a news channel that is hardly in news, maybe due to headlines like this?

Zee News reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

NDTV India: accused of trying too much with information and analysis thrust down the throat of a helpless viewer.

NDTV India reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

Star News: they keep you ahead (aapko rakhe aage) basically they are hiding behind you, be alert and take care of your posterior.

Star News reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

Aaj Tak: sabse tez, they had started as a reliable 30-minutes daily news bulletin on Doordarshan, many people believe that their total news content even today is not more than 30-minutes in a day.

Aaj Tak reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

and ladies and gentlemen, now presenting, the one and the only, India TV:

India TV reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

Dog depressed at not having bitten any man for the entire year

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 14:48:20 +0000

Come up with your own headline based on this picture. What could be the dog thinking at the end of 2009?

And to be honest, I was quite lazy on the last day of the year and no new reports to offer, so came up with this lousy attempt.

Wishing you all a very happy and prosperous new year ahead!

But do tell us about the dog above.

Narendra Modi’s compulsory voting bill just got lucrative for you

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 12:38:45 +0000

Ahmedabad. Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG), the research and analysis wing of Faking News, has come up with an electoral reform proposal that might just make the compulsory voting lucrative for common citizens, especially the poor. FNIG has submitted its report to the leading electoral reform activist Narendra Modi, which recommends paying money to all such Indian citizens who turn up to vote in any election.

In its report, FNIG has proposed that the concept of security deposit should be abolished, and all the candidates fighting an election should be asked to submit a non-refundable amount of money with the election commission. This non-refundable amount of money would depend upon the total number of eligible voters in that constituency. FNIG has suggested that the candidates should deposit ten rupees per eligible voter with the election commission.

For example, if the total number of eligible voters in Karol Bagh parliamentary constituency of Delhi is 12 lakhs, each candidate fighting to represent Karol Bagh in Lok Sabha will need to deposit 1.2 crore rupees (12 lakhs x 10 rupees) with the election commission. This amount of money will be paid from the central funds of the political party to which the candidate belongs, while the independent candidates would need to cough up the money from their own pockets.

Money collected through such means would be used to pay the voters who would come to the polling booths to cast their votes. Each voter will be paid his/her share of ten rupees that each candidate had deposited with the election commission. So if there are ten candidates fighting for Karol Bagh parliamentary seat, each voter will receive 100 rupees after he/she casts his/her vote.

The money left with the election commission due to those voters who didn’t turn up to vote would go towards arranging a post-election dance and dinner party, to which only those citizens would be invited who had turned up and voted. Katrina Kaif has promised Faking News to attend such parties.

A few good men and women like these might not give a fuck about their share of money, and could donate it for the post-election party

FNIG believes that such a system would help address multiple challenges facing the Indian electoral system today.

Firstly, and primarily, it would create an incentive system for an ordinary Indian to vote, and hence the compulsory voting might just become voluntary voting.

Secondly, since the political parties and candidates would now need to spend money heavily on paying the common man, they would stop wasting money on hiring Katrina Kaif for political campaigns. It would also push them to look for innovative and transparent ways to raise funds for electioneering, such as wearing Pepsi T-Shirts while taking out political rallies.

And lastly, but most importantly, since each political party would now need to pay each eligible voter by default, they would be impelled to think of inclusive policies and ideologies. After all if you have paid money to a Muslim (or a Dalit or a Brahmin or a Bihari for that matter), you may as well start thinking how to get returns (votes) on that investment.

Narendra Modi has promised to give his reaction after going through our report.

Shashi Tharoor with an African python. Caption it!

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:00:43 +0000

The picture shows Shashi Tharoor, Minister of State for External Affairs, at the Temple of Python, Voodoo Temple, during his recent visit to Republic of Benin in West Africa. A python wraps around his neck as Mr. Tharoor looks amused. Fortunately no controversy was created, but a caption needs to be created!

So join in with your comments!

Photo source: http://tweetphoto.com/9kvfamgi

Caption it! What is Sheila Dixit saying to Suresh Kalmadi?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 13:20:18 +0000

Journalists are often accused of putting words in the mouth of people, so why shouldn’t the common man do the same? See the attached picture where Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dixit appears to be saying something to the Indian Olympic Association President (eternal?) Suresh Kalmadi after watching the mascot of the proposed Commonwealth Games 2010 in Delhi. Tell us what you think she could be saying?

What is Sheila Dixit saying to Suresh Kalmadi?

Leave a comment below to tell us what you think!

Ten tentative tweets that Shsahi Tharoor should avoid as minister

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 23:30:04 +0000

Shashi Tharoor thinking what to tweet and what not to

New Delhi. Faking News editorial team was rolling on the floor laughing their asses off as various people in politics and media got their sentiments hurt by a tweet of Dr. Shashi Tharoor. But after we got our asses senses back, we realized that maybe Dr. Tharoor should be careful in the future. Our editorial team has compiled ten sample scenarios and corresponding tweets that Dr. Tharoor should avoid.

Scenario 1: Tharoor needs to contact the district magistrate of a remote village in Chhattisgarh to let him know that there was some export possibilities of a local herb to the European countries, but the village is not well connected in terms of telephony and electricity.
Tharoor tweets: I am going to fall back upon snail mail to contact the DM.
Ensuing controversy: After calling cattle, Tharoor now calls common man a snail.

Scenario 2: Tharoor visits Kashmir valley with the Home Minister after some unfortunate bomb blast carried out by Pak-backed terrorists that killed innocent civilians, including some toddlers in a pre-school.
Tharoor tweets: Oh my! Those little children were so ridiculously young to have suffered such a horrible death.
Ensuing controversy: Tharoor ridicules death of poor Muslim kids.

Scenario 3: Some urgent work in the External Affairs ministry needs to be finished as the deadline is quite near. Tharoor asks his staff members to work even in the night to get the job done.
Tharoor tweets: I hope the guys will excuse me for putting them through a graveyard shift.
Ensuing controversy: Tharoor thinks just a few extra hours of work can kill his staff members.

Scenario 4: Tharoor had made a staff member work in the night shift against his wishes, but he lets him have a day off the next working day and wishes him to have a rocking day.
Tharoor tweets: I guess I was rude at my secy. Finally we have kissed and made up.
Ensuing controversy: Tharoor is having an affair with his secretary.

Scenario 5: Tharoor is on a personal holiday in Mauritius. He realizes he has splurged more than required on shopping and sightseeing.
Tharoor tweets: It’s very tempting. I have lost my shirt shopping here, be careful my friends!
Ensuing controversy: Should a minister of India move shirtless in a foreign country? SMS “yes” or “no” to 6969. You could win a trip to Mauritius.

Scenario 6: On his personal holiday in Mauritius, Tharoor goes on a long drive.
Tharoor tweets: The ride was better than sex.
Ensuing controversy: Cabinet Minister talks about his sex life in public.

Scenario 7: Congress sweeps the assembly elections in Tamilnadu (okay, maybe not a scenario at all, but still, let’s consider it).
Tharoor tweets: Whoa! My party seems to have the luck of the devil!
Ensuing controversy: Tharoor likens Congress with the devil, could be expelled soon.

Scenario 8: Tharoor realizes his tweets are doing no good to his reputation and relationship with the party and the Gandhi family. He decides to indulge in some real social networking and pays a courtesy call to Rahul Gandhi.
Tharoor tweets: Rahul Gandhi really has an old head on young shoulders.
Ensuing controversy: Tharoor thinks Rahul’s head is not young anymore.

Scenario 9: Tharoor is somehow not expelled and is not even removed from the post. He goes to Morocco on an official tour. After coming back he addresses a press conference where he recounts each and every details of his tour to the journalists.
Tharoor tweets: I told every fool thing about the tour.
Ensuing controversy: Tharoor calls journalists fool.

Scenario 10: Tharoor is now completely pissed off with his tweet controversies and wants to get over it and concentrate on his work.
Tharoor tweets: Can they please call off the dogs and let me wok.
Ensuing controversy: After calling them fool, Tharoor now calls the journalists dogs. The minister must be removed.

Little Johnny discovers “Holy Shit”, writes to Faking News

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:08:13 +0000

Dear Pagal Uncle,

I am writing to you to let you know that I’ve discovered “holy shit”!

I had always wondered what was ‘holy shit’ when I used to hear so many people using this term in daily and telly life. A couple of times I asked people what was ‘holy shit’, but they laughed at it and never told me. I looked up in the dictionary and although I could find meanings of ‘holy’ as well as ‘shit’, I couldn’t figure out what was holy shit, but today I can proudly tell you that I have not only found the meaning, I have found “holy shit” itself!

Little Johnny discovering Holy Shit

I am writing to you to share my discovery with fellow readers of Faking News and I hope that you and your readers would recommend my name for some awards. I also hope that other newspapers and television news channels would notice my discovery after visiting your website and would take my interviews. I hope I’m not hoping or asking for too much.

Well, coming back to “holy shit”, I would like you to know that it is some sort of elastic container made of polythene like material. One is supposed to store adhesives or similar kinds of sticky stuff in them. Obviously if you touch adhesive with bare hands, it feels very messy and that’s why I guess they call it shit. I’m not very sure why they call it holy as my parents are not very religious. Maybe readers of Faking News can help me find that.

I found this thing lying on the floor in my balcony this morning when I went out to pee in the cactus flowerpot. I took it inside my home and asked my mom what it was. She answered, rather excitedly, “Holy Shit! Where did you find that?”

She immediately took it from me and went to my father and started arguing with him. I guess my father was careless in keeping the “holy shit” safe and secure. My parents didn’t return it back to me, I wonder why.

I am attaching a picture of “holy shit” that I took from my mobile with this mail. This would help you and your readers recognize it easily and explain to me why they call it so.

Yours truly,
Little Johnny.

attachment:

Holy Shit!

What new color should Manmohan Singh try for his turban?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 18:37:49 +0000

Many people have often wondered why our beloved Prime Minister always wears blue turban. Although he looks cool in that color, won’t it be a little worthwhile if he tried some different color for a change? Today Faking News asks its readers to pick a new color for the turban of our Prime Minister that they think would look good on him. Our editorial team has shortlisted four colors and appeal to our readers to choose one of them.

The following picture would help you visualize how Hon’ble Manmohan Singh would look in each of those four colors. Take a look and take a pick.

A new look for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

“Do animals give us consent for everything we do to them?”

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:45:25 +0000

Dear Sir,

I quite like your website and enjoy reading the news articles, but I don’t know why do you call it ‘faking’ news. I mean, sometimes I feel that these are real news report! No, not because I have an IQ level of a toilet cleaner, but because these days I’ve been reading news in newspapers that sound similar to what I get to read on Faking News.

Anyone happy to help me?

For example the other day I read this news in this paper called Mid-Day, which informed me about a case that was related to rape of a dog! The report claimed that this case would be a ‘historic’ one for India, as for the first time a crime against an animal is being treated at par with a crime against humans. This is such a nonsense I tell you.

First of all, we all know that humans are treated at par with animals in India. Earlier it used to be shocking but now we have accepted it as a part of our culture. Even in the recently popular Bollywood movie called Kaminey, the human actor Shahid Kapoor was shown to be at par with horses. Now if humans are at par with animals in India, by corollary does it not mean that animals are treated on par with humans? So what shit was that news report talking about?

Furthermore the same report reads, “There was a similar case registered against a man in Delhi for raping a buffalo”. Now even if we assume that the buffalo-rape case didn’t go to courts, doesn’t it mean that the case is not ‘historic’ and our history is full of such great acts? Historic my foot!

The nonsense doesn’t stop there; the report claimed that Section 377 of the IPC would be used for the first time in a case that would not involve homosexuals. This is another trash of an information and assumption. I’m pretty sure that it was some fagging faggot who fucked the poor dog. Man, I tell you, our courts have gone mad to exonerate these faggots from Section 377; the poor dog is the first victim, tomorrow it could be you or your cat. God save our country.

You might think that I’m an anti-gay old-fashioned criminal, but I’m least apologetic about it. These guys annoy me no end. Even in this dog-rape case, a gay activist is voicing his opinion, saying, “It’s simply wrong because of the issue of consent. Animals can’t give consent to what people do to them.” What the fuck man, is that even a logic? That’s a gay logic I guess.

I mean, come on. Can we really logically conclude that animals give us consent to all other things that we do to them? A monkey is happy being chained and made to dance in front of ugly looking losers? Is that a consensual chaining and dancing? A donkey is happy carrying loads of useless stuff on his back? Is that a consensual labor or a bonded labor? A cow is happy being milked? What proves that it is a consensual milking? The worst is done to the male-cow i.e. the bull. We castrate him and call him ox. Is that a consensual castration? To add to his miseries, we make him plow our fields all day long. Forget consensual, is that even human? Consent my foot!

Sir, I must congratulate you that at least your news reports don’t make me go mad like these supposedly ‘real’ news reports. I hope you’d publish my letter and make me reach out to like minded people. Thanks and keep up the good work.

Busthin Ram
Bandra, Mumbai.

(if you want to voice your opinion on anything that is itching you, write to us at letters@fakingnews.com and get your opinion counted)

Jinnah was reduced to zero by Congress, and zero can’t divide

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 09:31:19 +0000

The Dividers?

For the last ten days or so, every media organization has been discussing Jaswant, Jinnah and BJP, after the former BJP leader Jaswant Singh wrote a book arguing that Jinnah was not the sole person responsible for division of India in 1947.

While BJP expelled him for the argument, others trashed the book for glorifying a person who divided India and caused a civil war leading to death of millions of people. Newspapers and news channels have been debating the issue since then and now it’s Faking News’ turn.

The editorial team of Faking News believes that Jaswant Singh has written book that is antithesis of his own arguments. In fact there was no need to write a book that argues that Jinnah alone couldn’t have carried out division of India. Congress had already established it through their efforts.

Jinnah was reduced to zero by Congress in the history textbooks prescribed for the children of India. We all know that division by zero is impossible in normal circumstances, therefore, in a way Congress had already proved that it was impossible for Jinnah to divide the nation.

To add to that, Indian children hardly study history textbooks and prefer to depend upon guides and guess papers to get passing marks. Therefore most of them never bothered to know who Jinnah was and what did he do. Now suddenly, these children, some of whom might have grown up since then, are reading and hearing bout Jinnah. Some of them can actually go on to believe that it was Jinnah who divided India, something they never cared to believe or disbelieve.

So it is really not clear to our editorial team what did Jaswant Singh want to do by writing the book?

Faking News invites its readers to join the discussion and pitch in with their hypotheses about the motives behind Jaswant Singh writing the book.

Join the discussion forum on this report

Anatomy of TRP madness and television journalism of India

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:30:35 +0000

In the name of news

The current mess of television journalism in India is often blamed upon “the mad TRP race” i.e. the race to show sensational and senseless stuff in name of news just to attract ‘eyeballs’ i.e. attention of common men and hence their viewership, which translates into high TRP numbers and business profitability. So is this ‘business’ of achieving high TRPs against the ‘business’ of journalism?

Historically news organizations have been running the business of ‘printing and publishing’. The modern journalism is supposed to have started with the Gutenberg press in the fifteenth century, when Bible was printed and made available to the common masses, liberating it from the clutches of the clergy.

The Bible printing press evolved into of a press that printed books, periodicals and finally Daily Newspapers by the seventeenth century. Soon various newspapers were in business all over Europe and America. Journalism was a ‘mission’ as well as a ‘business’.

Many of these newspapers were ‘promoted’ or ‘owned’ by people on a mission – people committed to the ideals of democracy. Even in India, journalism students are taught that modern journalism started with some of the great freedom fighters, including Mahatma Gandhi, starting their own periodicals or newspapers.

So journalism started as a ‘business of selling ideals of democracy’.

These ideas sold. People, the common man as well as the rich and the famous, bought them and they didn’t mind paying a price. The business sustained.

By the end of nineteenth century, some businessmen in the USA could recognize that the massive reach of newspapers made them the most powerful tool of mass marketing and advertising. The term ‘yellow journalism’ came into being a few years after. Profits skyrocketed.

Journalism became a ‘business of selling advertising spots’.

And it gave birth to page-3 journalism, it gave birth to sold out editorial spaces (by cleverly calling it advertorials), and it made the ‘mission’ of journalism take the back seat and give the driver seat to the ‘business’ of journalism.

The problem with television news was even more complex. Unlike the printing and publishing business, television business didn’t start with any grand mission of propagating ideals of democracy, revolution or education.

Television had broadly two roles when it started – government controlled mass communication medium or an entertainment medium better known as the idiot box, which attracted eyeballs and sold advertising spots as part of business strategy.

When independent television news channels started, they had the challenge to not take on either of these roles – a government propaganda machinery or an idiot box. While they ‘seem’ to have saved themselves from becoming a propaganda machinery of the government, they are definitely struggling to save themselves from adopting the idiot box business strategy of selling TRP slots.

We have assumed that TRPs almost solely determine the advertisement rates of the television news channels. Higher the TRP values, higher the advertising rates, and hence higher the revenues, causing the business strategy of the news channels to be TRP driven.

We have also assumed that it’s mostly non-serious and non-journalistic television content that attracts higher eyeballs and hence higher TRPs.

Both these assumptions are not completely unfounded. Television advertising rates depend heavily on TRPs (although not solely) and people tend to watch more of entertainment and non-serious content on television, because television remains a very important medium of entertainment.

Could these two factors be changed?

The first one (making television advertising rates a lot less dependent upon TRPs) would require a change in the market dynamics of the television advertising industry, while the second one (people start preferring serious television content) warrants a radical social behavior change or mass arrival of a completely new and personal medium of entertainment making television an ‘intelligent box’.

Obviously the change in market dynamics of the television advertising industry seems more feasible than hoping to radically change the society or entertainment mediums.

Television advertising industry has three major players – the rating agencies (who calculate and release TRPs), the media planners (who interpret these TRPs to price advertising spots), and the advertisers (who spend money to buy these advertising spots).

All of them would have to mutually agree to come up with a formula where some other factor is given equal importance alongside TRPs while pricing the television advertising spots. For example, the rating agencies could ask common television viewers to rate television news channels on some ‘credibility’, ‘neutrality’ and ‘objectivity’ index and media planners factor these ratings while pricing advertising spots.

Yes, I am proposing that television adverting spots should have ‘quality’ (public perception) too apart from ‘quantity’ (eyeballs and reach) to offer.

And it’s not an outlandish or too idealistic a proposition. In outdoor advertising, subconsciously or otherwise, advertising spots have surely a ‘quality’ attached to them. If you are driving on a highway, you won’t find a billboard at a spot that could be considered an eyesore by the passing people, even though the ‘eyeballs’ (traffic on the highway) remain constant all across.

Therefore the major players of the television advertising industry will need to be convinced that advertising on a news channel, which is considered to be frivolous or irresponsible by common people, is like putting up a billboard near a stinking heap of waste on a highway. So an advertiser is advised to look for a ‘better’ spot. It seems a bit difficult, but not impossible.

The first step towards the above solution warrants that there should be a public rating to calculate and evaluate parameters like sincerity, seriousness, credibility, neutrality and objectivity of different television news channels, just like there is currently the TRP scale to calculate and evaluate the channel reach. Will it happen? Let’s see.

(this is an abridged version of an article from this blog)

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