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Exposed: top secret letters exchanged before A Raja resigned

The Licensed Lunatic — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 07:42:06 +0000

Faking News has accessed a series of letters exchanged between the top leaders of our country in the last few days, which has now concluded with A Raja resigning from the union cabinet. These letters were supposed to be classified and not meant for public consumption, but a whistleblower in the PMO has sent them to us. The letters were sent to WikiLeaks as well, but the team there is still busy reading the Iraq war documents.

The first letter was sent by AIADMK leader J Jayalalithaa:

Dear Manmohan Singgh,

I very well know the fact that these media people will keep inflatingg this Raja’s 2G scandal case for a week and then forgget about it and targget some other person. But this should never happen. People must not forgget this act of national betrayal. I have certain suggggestions to you and I would be gglad if it is implemented.

In all the Engglish words containingg the letter ‘G’, the letter has to be written twice so that people will be remembering the ’2G’ scam, and ggiggggle every time they see Raja.
All the popular names must be changged in their spellingg. From now on, names like Gandhiji, Nehruji, Bhajji and Jumanji must be written as GandhiG, NehruG, BhajG and JumanG respectively.
The History subject must be removed from the School syllabus as I stronggly believe that knowingg about other Indian Rajas (Kinggs) will set a bad example to the kids.

On dismissingg Raja, if that DMK withdraws support, I will ggive 18 seats from AIADMK ggroup. And I will assure that all the 18 seats will be neatly stitched and will have sufficient amount of cushion in it to make the seatingg comfortable. I assure to give an ‘unconditional’ support to your GGovernment, and all you have to do is to fulfill my 1,123 conditions before taking my 18 seats.

Yours unconditionally,
J.Jayalalithaa,
Also known as Amma.

Of course, the mainstream media could only know about the demand of sacking A Raja and offer of Amma’s support in case DMK withdraws support to the Manmohan Singh government, and that’s what DMK president Karunanidhi got to know, which prompted him to write the following letter:

Dear Brother,

I am writing this letter with a very heavy heart as my heart has grown too big after learning that our country lost 1.76 lakh crore rupees due to A Raja. I have called the Tamil Nadu police and the Scotland Yard to find the sum that has been lost. We have also started advertising on ‘our’ TVs and I am sure that we will find the lost amount very soon. We have also signed a MoU with Google to inform us as soon as they find it.

And Amma is lying. Even if she wins a parliament seat and counts herself as equal to 6 MPs, she will not be able to match us. Our sum is more than you can imagine. No one can divide that.

Ever confidently,
Dr. Kalaignar.

The letters are still lying safe in the PMO

Clearly, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was not so amused with the letter. He texted “wassup dude? Any updates?” to A Raja himself using his latest 3G services, following which the tainted minister wrote:

Dear Savior,

I know you will have doubts whether to dismiss me from the post or not. Please don’t worry. No one knows what power I have in Tamil Nadu. I have strictly ordered my optician not to disclose it to anyone. A few weeks back, a small incident happened and it was then I realized what my potential is, indeed.

I attended the conference where Dr. Vaseegaran displayed his first andro-humanoid creation – Chitti, The Robot. Everyone was asking questions to Chitti and it was answering all of theirs. It was at that time one of the scientists next to me asked Chitti, “What is the largest prime number you know?”

I, then, out of curiosity asked the scientist what is a prime number, for which the scientist replied that such a number can only be divided by one and the number itself (meanwhile Chitti was busy typing).

Chitti then showed a large number and said, “It would take 10 years for you to check if it is right or wrong.”

It was only the next morning I counted the 2G scam money I had. I was pretty much sure that the number I counted was definitely more than the number Chitti typed. And I can surely say that the number I counted was a prime number because except one (you know who he is) no one else can divide that sum. It was only then I realized that I am more capable than Chitti. So better don’t take me off from the Ministry.

Yours ‘faithfully’,
A Raja.

Dr. Manmohan Singh was crazy as hell at this point of time and hence he forwarded all the letters to UPA chairperson Sonia Gandhi and authorized her to take a decision on the A Raja issue.

Sonia Gandhi replied within an hour:

Dear Manmohan,

Forget what Amma has said or what Karunanidhi means, we’ll take a call next year when assembly elections in Tamil Nadu take place. Let’s see what A Raja has said; it’s very interesting.

If the 2G scam sum is more than the largest prime number, surely it will take more than 10 years even for a learned scientist to find that out. That’s another two terms for the UPA! But where is the money? This Raja guy can’t talk like this. He should be taught a lesson.

Furthermore, our perception has been improving since we have removed Ashok Chavan and Suresh Kalmadi (even though he’s still the president of IOA, LOL!) and RSS has been helping us by acting like asses. We must capitalize on this and kick this Raja out. Ask Dr. Karunanidhi to appoint a Rajkumar (but no Yuvraaj, make that clear) to replace Raja.

You should break this news to Karunanidhi the way you deem fit.

Yours,
Sonia Gandhi.

Manmohan Singh wrote the last letter to Dr. Karunanidhi:

Dear Savior,

I know how much valuable Raja is for our country’s growth and development. But all good things must come to an end. So we have sacked him, but DMK should say he has resigned.

Please don’t take it otherwise. He will undoubtedly be the 2G hero of India and from now on, the last spectrum of the VIBGYOR series, which has been known as the Red spectrum, will be renamed as Raja spectrum as a tribute to his selfless soul and for your cooperation.

Looking forward to my honorary degree in Kalaignar Thoughts.

Yours dependently,
MMS.
(sent from my PMO’s PC on 3G)

(the writer blogs here)

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An open letter to Nitish Kumar from a non resident Bihari

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 09:55:23 +0000

Dear Nitish,

A Non Resident Bihari here.

I hope it doesn’t sound downright funny anymore to call yourself a Bihari, which surely was the case till you didn’t become the Chief Minister of Bihar. You know, one of my fellow Bihari friends used to answer “IIT Kharagpur” whenever someone in our business school asked him where he came from.

I haven’t talked to him for some time now, we live in different cities; you know Biharis are everywhere. But I hope now he says “Patna” unapologetically if asked the same question. You can take pride in this change of attitude in him as you symbolized a ‘change’ in Bihar when you won the elections five years ago.

But I have heard that these days you are taking pride in returning money given to your government for rehabilitation of flood victims. Guess your Bihari pride was hurt when some people considered close to that Modi chap issued an advertisement that allegedly boasted of some money given to the poor perennially drowning Biharis living in the Kosi area.

It was an insult to the poor people of Bihar you thought, maybe it was.

It was in papers today

This morning when I thought of writing this letter to you, I picked up my morning newspaper. For some funny reason, I buy The Times of India, New Delhi edition. And guess what, on the front page, just below the masthead on the left side, there was a quote attributed to The Bible:

“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”

I am not saying anything. This is what The Bible says, and this is what the editors of apparently the largest selling English daily chose to publish today morning. I hope you get the message. And I don’t think you will disagree with a biblical quote; else your secular credentials could go for a toss.

That’s why I believe that all this talk of Bihari pride being hurt is bullshit. Because you are a prudent man and not a fool, as The Bible says. But I’m not sure if you are being prudent as well in your plans.

In fact I’m not sure what your plans are.

Are you thinking of impressing the Bihari Muslims? Or are you thinking of impressing Congress?

Yes, most of the Muslims, whether Biharis or otherwise, don’t like Narendra Modi, just as most of the witty people don’t like Rakhi Sawant. This, in turn, has given rise to a phenomenon, where some people criticize Modi to impress the Muslims, just as many people make jokes on Rakhi Sawant to impress the wit-loving audiences.

But as you would well appreciate, real wit goes beyond Rakhi Sawant, just as real secularism goes beyond Narendra Modi. The witty people realize this difference, do you think the Muslims don’t? I leave it upon you to say what you think about the Muslims.

And Bihari Muslims? They have been so unfortunate. At the time of partition, many of them couldn’t travel to Pakistan because it was too far off and hence they went to Bangladesh, then East Pakistan. They were never treated as one of them for obvious reasons. In fact they were seen as Urdu speaking agents of the West Pakistan.

During the Bangladeshi war of Independence, they sided with the Pakistanis and many of them are still languishing in refugee camps for almost 40 years now, repenting that mistake and waiting for Pakistan to take them ‘home’. Pakistan has shown no interest in doing so. Bangladesh has submitted no dossiers to this effect. They are neither Pakistani nor Bangladeshi now. They are still called Bihari Muslims.

Why I’m saying this? Because I believe that most Muslims in Bihar realize that their identity is built more around being a Bihari than being a Muslim, right since independence. I don’t know how much has it changed now, but when Biharis are beaten up in Mumbai, nobody asks their caste or religion.

Maybe being a Non Resident Bihari, I’m missing something. All the best if you think you can impress Bihari Muslims through this act.

But don’t tell me you are trying to impress Congress. There is no point dude! Even Congress is not trying to impress itself there, else why has Rahul Gandhi not eaten litti-chokha at a Bihari dalit’s home till now? And Rahul is smart. He doesn’t want to bite more than he can chew. Maybe you could learn one or two things from him.

I can understand if you want to break up from BJP and for that you are accusing that Modi chap for having behaved in an uncultured way. My friend also accused his girl friend of hitting on his younger brother before breaking up. Basically he was seeing a new girl, who he thought was sexier. But Congress is your new girl in Bihar? Serious? What’s so sexy about it?

Dude, Congress has even lost its size-zero figure that it maintained in Bihar during Lalu Yadav days. Now it wins a few seats, but yet not so much that you could be smitten by its curviness or buxomness. Furthermore, it doesn’t yet have a face, forget beautiful or ugly, or even a voice there. I wonder what you fell for.

But again, being a Non Resident Bihari, maybe I’m missing something.

Also, I have learnt that the five crore rupees that you returned was an ‘unspent’ amount from the relief and rehabilitation budget, even as news reports claim that people are still living without a roof in the Kosi river belt area. Why was those five crores not spent on building roofs? That doesn’t impress anybody you see. And now that such news reports are out, it seems like your decision of returning the money was a self goal. FIFA world cup fever, eh?

Well, it doesn’t matter if you snub Modi or dump BJP, after all Naveen Patnaik not far away in Orissa demonstrated that one could do it successfully and to a good effect, but don’t lose your USP. You symbolized ‘change’ – in attitude, in politics, in news reports coming out of Bihar – don’t let that change for worse.

Yours truly,
A Non Resident Bihari.

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An open letter to Lalit Modi (please tell us the truth before you go)

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 07:54:09 +0000

It’s widely believed that whenever he gets a letter, Lalit Modi reads between the lines

Dear Lalit,

Dude, stop gawking at that girl, and concentrate on this letter.

That’s better.

At the outset I want to make it clear that I am not your fan, not even on facebook. In fact, starting today, facebook tried to make things easier by removing the concept of being a fan; now they just ask you to like something. Nice step, but too late, now I don’t even like you.

Why? Because Shashi Tharoor had to resign after you tweeted about Sunanda Pushkar. I don’t care man whether he was right or wrong, but you were completely wrong with your timing. Barely a week had passed since Shashi Tharoor started following Faking News on twitter, and now he’s jobless.

Do you realize that India TV could invite some taantrik and analyze the kundli of Faking News to find out if this was the reason Tharoor lost his job? They can very easily declare Faking News as manhoos (sinister and inauspicious) as it was born (founded) on a day Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. And this could cause Gul Panag to feel jittery as she was next to follow Faking News on twitter.

Seriously, what were you thinking when you tweeted that? Were you high on cocaine or has success got into your head?

Success? What success? What did you risk to get it? If IPL was a flop show, it wouldn’t have cost you a rupee. SRK, Mallya, Ambani and others would have got poorer, and of course BCCI that runs on public money would have got poorer, which means the tax payers were taking the risk, not you. You were just getting richer, as the Income Tax department has been saying for over six months now.

And don’t tell me that IPL was your brainchild; you just changed one word of ICL and applied the business model of EPL. If IPL is your brainchild, I’m the father of fake news reporting.

In fact, I feel so sorry for Subhash Chandra, look what you have done:

ICL (Indian Cricket League) – IPL (Indian Premier League)
Mumbai Champs – Mumbai Indians
Chennai Superstars – Chennai Super Kings
Chandigarh Lions – Kings XI Punjab (with lions in their logo)
Royal Bengal Tigers – Kolkata Knight Riders (hmmm…)
Hyderabad Heroes – Deccan Chargers (full marks for this)
Delhi Giants – Delhi Daredevils
Ahmedabad Rockets – oh fuck, this Tharoor guy spoiled the fun

I seriously don’t understand why could Shashi Tharoor not see this and had to go crazy about a Kochi team, could he not have waited for another year?

Anyway, he had to resign for his love, but I hear that you too could be asked to resign. LOL!

Okay, sorry! But before you go, could you blow the lid completely off this drama called IPL? I promise that I’d like you on facebook for this.

You know, people are talking all kinds of things about IPL. This makes me feel so guilty after watching an IPL match, just like I feel guilty after watching porn. I might have watched it for momentary pleasure, but indirectly I could be guilty of helping human trafficking and forced prostitution. Easy, I meant watching porn, what were you thinking?

So please tell us the truth before you go. And don’t tell us any cock-and-bull story like you claimed that someone had hacked your twitter account. Come on, were you not trying your AdultFriendFinder password on twitter before you suddenly realized the mistake? This is human, accept and move on.

And yeah, don’t worry if you lose your job, Vishal Bhardwaj is planning a sequel to Kaminey, and he might drop Shahid Kapoor and pick you for the role. Fuper! Fahi ja rahe ho doft!

Yours truly,

Pagal Patrakar (PP).

(by the way, my friend Khamba too wrote a letter to you and wanted me to deliver it to you, but I thought you may not like it, if you have time, maybe you could check it out here)

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An open letter to Shoaib Malik (hope this one is delivered)

Khamba — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 07:53:39 +0000

Dear Shoaib.

First off, let me congratulate you for believing in the concept of marriage so much, that you were willing to come here and surrender your passport to the Hyderabad police. Inshallah, in case you get arrested tomorrow, you will be the second most famous Pakistani in our prisons since Ajmal Kasab. You have no idea how excited I am at the possibility of hearing Rehman Malik call you a non-state actor.

Sania Mirza and Shoaib Malik discuss why they haven’t received their respective letters each

Let me also express my condolences for being tricked into thinking that Sania Mirza was a Pakistani citizen. I completely understand how tricky it can be, given a city of the same name also exists in your native land, and given your opinion (which you so rightly expressed after your loss to us kafirs in the 2007 T20 World Cup) that it is the only place in the world where true Muslims such as our lovely tennis starlet can live. Those extra-curricular classes with Inzamam and Yousuf Youhana turned out to be a total bitch, huh?

I do want to take the time however, to give you a few pointers about life in general.

I know you’re from Sialkot, where a woman showing her eyes is akin to being in a Hooters bar, but there are some things which I want you to keep in mind in case you decide to venture out in the world again.

Stop using Yahoo Chat and get on Skype: Again, perhaps you didn’t hear about Skype being from a small town and all – but it’s a totally rocking piece of software where you can actually SEE the person you are talking to. Dump that Yahoo id where you play a/s/l a/s/l with everyone whose name even sounds remotely like a woman’s. And DON’T click on that id with a TV next to it! Those webcams are totally fake!

Don’t “fall in love” with someone’s pictures: Trust me when I say I find you good looking. In fact, so good looking that you have more potential than Harman Baweja and Uday Chopra will ever have to produce a hit. Then why sell yourself short like that? Women NEVER send their real pictures online. So if you want to jerk off, let me refer you to www.redtube.com – Real women, real fun! And yes, desibaba.com shut down a LONG time ago

Stop telling the media you treated Ayesha like your elder sister: Really? That you called Ayesha Siddiqui “aapa” is your defense? All you are doing is giving more fillip to the stereotype that people from your country keep marrying their own cousins and sisters. So think about the consequences.

Apologize to Inzaman and make friends with Yuvraj Singh: You realize he will beat the crap out of you when he finds out the reason you weren’t performing was that you were up all night before the match sexting an Indian cross between Oprah and Ugly Betty? Make friends with Yuvraj Singh NOW and see how it’s done in style!

Blame it on Ijaz Butt: Seriously, if nothing else works, that will.

That said, I wish you and Sania the best of luck for your wedding. Oh and, before I finish, make sure you work out before the big night, I hear she’s a bit on the heavier side.

XOXO

Khamba

(written by Khamba after surviving all comments and reactions to his earlier open letter to Sania Mirza)

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An open letter to Sania Mirza (returned by postal department)

Khamba — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 10:25:25 +0000

I’m pissed Sania. Pissed.

For years I have tolerated your pathetic second round exits on court and not said anything in the spirit of feminism. For years I have not commented on the size of your ever increasing love handles brought on by copious amounts of biryani. For years I have heard you make an ass of yourself at press conferences and make incoherent excuses in a fake accent.

For years I have told myself that my friends in Hyderabad were wrong in saying that you stank and people didn’t like sitting next to you in high school. I even supported you when the mullahs were against your dressing sense (largely because your shaking thunder thighs reminded me of the good ol days of Silk Smitha’s erotic movies).

But today, along with 500 million other horny teenagers whose access to good looking Muslim women ended with Jemima Khan’s posters, I say enough!

Today, I stop cheering for you at your matches. Today, I stop calling your rack as the best on the WTA circuit. Today, I stop googling “Sania Mirza sexy hot pics”.

Today, I am switching to badminton and becoming a fan of Saina Nehwal. Look her up; she can be totally hot if she wants to be.

Of all the people you had to leave poor ol Mohammad Sohrab Mirza and his snazzy engagement Armani suit for – you had to go with Shoaib Malik?

What is it about losers that they always end up with others of their kind? Has Fatima Bhutto ever wanted to get married to Lakshmipathy Balaji? Has Shireen Mazari ever expressed love for Shiv Shankar Menon?

Sania Mirza’s decision to marry outside India is expected to reinstate Mandira Bedi as the most favorite sportswoman of India

Did you watch Veer Zaraa one too many times? Does your family not have a copy of Lakshya at home? Is this some lameass attempt at making the “Aman Ki Asha” campaign a success? Do you realize it will in fact do more damage as every Indian would get even more pissed off? Do you realize how this will only continue to reinforce the stereotype of marrying within the community?

Do you know you are already being called Pakistan ki Bahu even though Shoaib Malik was never even treated like their own son?

Do you realize how many visas our embassy will have to issue for his entire extended family to come down here for the ceremony? Do you realize why Shoaib Akhtar got a bout of genital warts?

Do you realize Asif Ali Zardari might end up at your wedding and make cheesy-ass remarks while grinning from ear to ear?

Do you realize the LeT will do a 22 gun salute in Muridke? Do you realize, your wedding might just have ONE DISH as per law in Pakistan? All that feminist bullshit and you will move because of your man to Dubai?

Dubai?! Who the fuck goes to Dubai anymore? Even Mohammad Asif said fuck this – I’m injecting at home. As if every tom dick and harry in this country singing Atif Aslam songs wasn’t bad enough. Not even the good ones.

Years of BCCI’s plans, foreign policy diktats and millions of young people’s aspirations have been broken thanks to your horny little uber-bitch move. I’m giving you one and a half years before you get pregnant and leave the sport. Anything more and I will start wearing a Barcelona jersey and keep tweeting about the UEFA Champions League as if my being a supporter will make anyone give a shit.

And take that damn nose ring off – it makes you look like a total slut.

(written by Khamba after six bottles of beer and posted without a stamp; the postal department delivered it to Faking News office instead)

to marry outside India

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Little Johnny discovers “Holy Shit”, writes to Faking News

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:08:13 +0000

Dear Pagal Uncle,

I am writing to you to let you know that I’ve discovered “holy shit”!

I had always wondered what was ‘holy shit’ when I used to hear so many people using this term in daily and telly life. A couple of times I asked people what was ‘holy shit’, but they laughed at it and never told me. I looked up in the dictionary and although I could find meanings of ‘holy’ as well as ‘shit’, I couldn’t figure out what was holy shit, but today I can proudly tell you that I have not only found the meaning, I have found “holy shit” itself!

Little Johnny discovering Holy Shit

I am writing to you to share my discovery with fellow readers of Faking News and I hope that you and your readers would recommend my name for some awards. I also hope that other newspapers and television news channels would notice my discovery after visiting your website and would take my interviews. I hope I’m not hoping or asking for too much.

Well, coming back to “holy shit”, I would like you to know that it is some sort of elastic container made of polythene like material. One is supposed to store adhesives or similar kinds of sticky stuff in them. Obviously if you touch adhesive with bare hands, it feels very messy and that’s why I guess they call it shit. I’m not very sure why they call it holy as my parents are not very religious. Maybe readers of Faking News can help me find that.

I found this thing lying on the floor in my balcony this morning when I went out to pee in the cactus flowerpot. I took it inside my home and asked my mom what it was. She answered, rather excitedly, “Holy Shit! Where did you find that?”

She immediately took it from me and went to my father and started arguing with him. I guess my father was careless in keeping the “holy shit” safe and secure. My parents didn’t return it back to me, I wonder why.

I am attaching a picture of “holy shit” that I took from my mobile with this mail. This would help you and your readers recognize it easily and explain to me why they call it so.

Yours truly,
Little Johnny.

attachment:

Holy Shit!

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“Do animals give us consent for everything we do to them?”

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:45:25 +0000

Dear Sir,

I quite like your website and enjoy reading the news articles, but I don’t know why do you call it ‘faking’ news. I mean, sometimes I feel that these are real news report! No, not because I have an IQ level of a toilet cleaner, but because these days I’ve been reading news in newspapers that sound similar to what I get to read on Faking News.

Anyone happy to help me?

For example the other day I read this news in this paper called Mid-Day, which informed me about a case that was related to rape of a dog! The report claimed that this case would be a ‘historic’ one for India, as for the first time a crime against an animal is being treated at par with a crime against humans. This is such a nonsense I tell you.

First of all, we all know that humans are treated at par with animals in India. Earlier it used to be shocking but now we have accepted it as a part of our culture. Even in the recently popular Bollywood movie called Kaminey, the human actor Shahid Kapoor was shown to be at par with horses. Now if humans are at par with animals in India, by corollary does it not mean that animals are treated on par with humans? So what shit was that news report talking about?

Furthermore the same report reads, “There was a similar case registered against a man in Delhi for raping a buffalo”. Now even if we assume that the buffalo-rape case didn’t go to courts, doesn’t it mean that the case is not ‘historic’ and our history is full of such great acts? Historic my foot!

The nonsense doesn’t stop there; the report claimed that Section 377 of the IPC would be used for the first time in a case that would not involve homosexuals. This is another trash of an information and assumption. I’m pretty sure that it was some fagging faggot who fucked the poor dog. Man, I tell you, our courts have gone mad to exonerate these faggots from Section 377; the poor dog is the first victim, tomorrow it could be you or your cat. God save our country.

You might think that I’m an anti-gay old-fashioned criminal, but I’m least apologetic about it. These guys annoy me no end. Even in this dog-rape case, a gay activist is voicing his opinion, saying, “It’s simply wrong because of the issue of consent. Animals can’t give consent to what people do to them.” What the fuck man, is that even a logic? That’s a gay logic I guess.

I mean, come on. Can we really logically conclude that animals give us consent to all other things that we do to them? A monkey is happy being chained and made to dance in front of ugly looking losers? Is that a consensual chaining and dancing? A donkey is happy carrying loads of useless stuff on his back? Is that a consensual labor or a bonded labor? A cow is happy being milked? What proves that it is a consensual milking? The worst is done to the male-cow i.e. the bull. We castrate him and call him ox. Is that a consensual castration? To add to his miseries, we make him plow our fields all day long. Forget consensual, is that even human? Consent my foot!

Sir, I must congratulate you that at least your news reports don’t make me go mad like these supposedly ‘real’ news reports. I hope you’d publish my letter and make me reach out to like minded people. Thanks and keep up the good work.

Busthin Ram
Bandra, Mumbai.

(if you want to voice your opinion on anything that is itching you, write to us at letters@fakingnews.com and get your opinion counted)

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