“Petrol prices, interest rates, scams, terrorism, earthquakes, Indian cricket team’s performance, or Poonam Pandey – This changed name will deal with anything that has been troubling the citizens of the nation,” a joint statement released by Congress and BJP read.

Sources say that the idea was proposed by BJP’s astrological cell, which was immediately accepted by Congress core committee as the ruling party didn’t know any other way to deal with myriad of problems plaguing the nation.

Experts point out numerous successful name changes such as that of Tusshar Kapoor, who is now all set to kiss Vidya Balan on screen.

Various name changes for India were considered, and “Inddia” was found to have the most auspicious value of 5. This value is a firm driver for growth and peace. Chandragupt, the inspiring leader who led India to its golden age in medieval times had the same value.

“We needed to get the numbers right,” a BJP leader told Faking News, “The numerological value of ‘India’ is 1, which is not proving to be very auspicious. Incidentally, 26/11 comes to the same number, and so does ‘Taj Hotel’, where the worst carnage in recent times took place in 2008. Even ‘Manmohan Singh’ has the same numeric value.”

The BJP is hopeful that the name change will rid the country of negative energies, end the scourge of terror forever, boost exports, and take us into a lasting period of peace and prosperity.

When asked why it didn’t go for “Bharat”, which also has a numeric value of 5, BJP said that it will change the name of the country again if voted to power of its own.

“We came up with this number so that Congress could agree to the proposal,” the BJP leader claimed.

“Numeric value of ‘Rahul’ is 6, while that of ‘Sonia’ is 4, so we thought that 5 is something we should settle for,” a Congress source revealed the reason why Congress agreed to the BJP proposal, “Also, it is the number of future; numeric value of ‘Priyanka’ is 5!”

(author AmreekanDesi blogs here. The numeric values of names quoted in the report above are actually correct and not fake! Those interested can cross check them by substituting 1 for A, 2 for B, 3 for C… 25 for Y, 26 for Z, and then adding them up. A grand sum of say 149 will amount to 1+ 4+9=14=1+4=5 thus giving 5 as the numeric value for that name)

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The statement of Tantrik comes a day after Indian Army chief responded to a pointed question, where he clarified that Indian security forces had the capability to launch a precision attack in Pakistan, where terrorists wanted in India are living cozily.

“Not only the capability, I have the will too to destroy those evil souls,” Madangir Mahamaya Maharaj, also known as “Triple M” to his followers, declared. When asked if he was waiting for an order from the Prime Minister or Sonia Gandhi to launch an attack, Triple M threw powdered black pepper into our correspondent’s eyes and responded in negative.

MMM claims nothing can escape his clutches

Partially blind and convinced of the powers of Triple M, our reporter pleaded with Maharaj to divulge some of the details about the offensive he was planning.

“Right now I’m calculating the movement of planets that would help me locate the mansion of Dawood and Hafiz,” Triple M informed, making a circular movement of his index finger in the air, “Once the moon is in the third house and Saturn passes through the fire house, I would be in a position to add these terrorists’ locations on Google Maps for public reviews.”

But Triple M’s technological knowledge and dependence ends with Google Maps, as he declares that once he has finalized the locations of the terrorists and studied the vastu implications of their mansions’ layout, he would launch a “deadly attack” on them with nimbu-mirchi (lemon and chilies pierced together), vermillion, boiled eggs, and dead rats.

“Dawood and Hafiz will die a dog’s death,” Madangir Mahamaya Maharaj announced with his hands up in the air like Billy Bowden, eyes popping out like Muttiah Muralitharan, and his body shaking like Irfan Pathan going “brrr” in the latest Coke advertisement.

Even as his disciples bowed before him in awe of his proclamation, our partially blind correspondent wanted to ask how the terrorists could die a dog’s death when dead rats are to be used in the operation, but decided to call off the interview.

Pakistan, which was quick to respond to Army Chief’s statements, had not yet reacted over Triple M’s claims, but sources suggest that Pakistan has bought a Chinese voodoo doll to restrain the Tantrik.

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5. Astrologers hail Randiv for denying 13th century to Sehwag

It should be noted that if Randiv had not bowled a no-ball, Sehwag could have completed his century number 13 in one-day international cricket matches.

“Sehwag’s kundli clearly shows that he has a permanent threat from number thirteen.” Daanti Maharaj of India TV said, citing the clinching proof that Sehwag had lost a tooth while playing cricket as he approached his thirteenth year in 1990.

Sehwag should be celebrating his missed century, astrologers say

Daanti Maharaj also pointed out that recently Tiger Woods had got stuck at 13^th hole while playing golf, and argued that the number 13 was not good for sportspersons in general and Sehwag faced this danger all along.

“Now rahu and ketu drishti (vision) is not on official scorecard as they don’t follow modern rules of cricket, they might well count this as century no. 13 as they are good with ganana (counting) even though ICC says it’s not. This will make the grahas confused and their strategy against Sehwag will fail now.” said Daanti Maharaj, showing the brighter side of the unfortunate incident for the Indians.

Daanti Maharaj was joined by many other astrologers from other television channels too, who supported his assertion and hailed the cosmic confusion over century no. 13.

“There are many shopping centers that don’t have a shop no. 13 to escape the wrath of ill-luck. Sehwag has been lucky as he too won’t have a century no. 13 as a result of this no-ball.” said another astrologer, who doubles as a property agent outside the television studios.

The declaration by astrologers giving clean chit to Randiv came after the bowler apologized to Sehwag for having bowled that no-ball. Earlier he had tried to blame too much of cricket between India and Sri Lanka for his act, but now rued not having consulted the astrologers before apologizing.

“I feel like an ass now.” said Suraj Randiv, drawing nods from Virender Sehwag.

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“om bwin dim sharad phat phut pranab sili dwin bim hum sarvda” was the essence of the mantra that Saint Shiromani Shanicharanuragi ‘Daati’ Madan Maharaj Rajasthani ji announced live on the show, as he went on to propose various other means to rein in and restrain the atrocities of mehengai daayan.

“Apart from repeating the mantra three times a day after drinking buffalo’s milk, sleep with a black-brown dog on a blue mattress made of jute, holding his left rear leg with your right hand, on days when Sensex loses more than 100 points.” Daati Maharaj proposed an add-on solution, arguably adding business and economics parameters to the occult for the first time.

This is not exactly Mehengai Daayan, but the television channel used this poster during the show

The show was also attended by a jobless economist, ubiquitous rationalist, and a PR publicist of Aamir Khan Productions. While the rationalist kept on smiling and laughing as Daati Maharaj proposed his solution to fight the witch of inflation, the economist claimed that anything could work in the current scheme of things.

“Let people try out these means. Once the results, whether positive or negative, are out, I’d be able to explain the phenomenon.” the economist claimed, backed the PR publicist, who added that people should also watch the upcoming Bollywood movie Peepli Live so that they can spot and identify the witch of inflation without any trouble.

“It will just cost you a few hundred bucks, but it’s worth it to rein in the witch.” the PR person added.

India TV played video clips from the movie before and after each commercial break and also during the show various times, but denied that the program was any paid attempt to promote the movie.

“It’s one of our sincere attempts to help India gain freedom from chudails, daayans, bhoots, aliens, and other evil forces; completely in line with our philosophy and editorial policies.” India TV head Rajat Sharma told Faking News.

Common viewers had mixed reaction to the show and the solution proposed by India TV, but many of them supported such initiatives.

“Ab government se toh kuchh ho nahi raha, yehi kar ke dekhte hain (now that the government has failed to control inflation, let me try this out)” said one of the viewers holding a black-brown dog.

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The high-level review meeting was attended by DTC managers, Tata Motors representatives, Bus drivers, traffic policemen, bureaucrats, engineers, bus depot janitors and astrologers. Even after many hours of discussion when the participants couldn’t fix the responsibility and culpability on anyone particular, it was decided to turn to the astrologers, who immediately placed the blame on the position of stars. It was suggested that Tata Group should perform Yajna to please Agni devta, who has been randomly putting buses and other stuffs belonging to the Tata Group on fire.

Agni devta apparently doesn’t like these buses by Tata

“It had all started when Tata decided to buy Corus but didn’t care to pay respect to the fire god, even though fire was vital to make steel. As a result there was a fire at Corus Scunthorpe steel mill in July 2007, but no one picked up the signs. Tata still ignored the signs when there was a fire at their Singur factory in West Bengal six months later. They were happy to battle Mamta Banerjee but the real problem was Agni Devta. The next sign was when all of us were sad to see Taj Hotel on fire as terrorists struck Mumbai; signs continued as TCS office in Gujarat was gutted in fire earlier this year and then a few Tata Nano cars caught fire a few moths earlier. And now Agni devta has given the final warning by putting these low-floor buses on fire. We must act before it’s too late. Tata should please Agni devta and all our problems will go away.” Pandit Daanti Maharaj, especially sourced from India TV for the meeting, informed mediapersons after the review meeting.

Tata Group representatives nodded in unison as Daanti Maharaj went on talking and proposing solutions to please Agni devta and his incendiary mood. They were non-committal on putting into effect all the proposed solutions, which included steps like wearing only the left shoe on all Mondays by Tata employees and keeping a purple cat in each of Tata offices globally, but promised to undertake the Yajna to help the common commuters in Delhi.

People traveling by the DTC buses have expressed hope over the news as they continued traveling in the low-floor buses even as the review meeting discussed the problems.

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“Yes, there will be doomsday, but only for the human race. The earth will survive and so will the flora and fauna, sans the humanity. An army of asses will rise from its ashes and enslave the human race. They will also genetically modify us to transform us into substandard asses while the existing asses will rule over us.” Prof. Carlos Santana, who deciphered the new prophecy, informed.

A cave painting showing a Mayan King riding an ass

New study has revealed that prehistoric Mayan Kings used to ride donkeys and it was considered to be a mark of respect in those times. In fact the kingdom’s army used to have large fleets of donkeys and wars were fought valiantly with donkeys braying on both the sides. Around the year 1900 BC, a renegade Mayan Knight is supposed to have ridden a horse and defeated the then King in a battle after challenging him publicly. The Knight became the next King and he ordered a mass execution of all the royal donkeys.

“All the asses in the army were beheaded and their bodies were burnt and dumped into a large well in the modern day Belize. This horrified all the other asses and since then the asses have been in a state of shock. The modern day asses are still mourning that massacre and that’s why they are largely silent and tolerant to human excesses. But they are all full of hope and belief that one day that massacred army of asses will rise from the ashes and take revenge.” Prof. Carlos disclosed the startling facts.

According to Prof. Carlos, the army of asses will rejuvenate the existing asses and these slothful looking creatures will be filled with unmatched alacrity and intellect. Then, these asses, under the leadership of the reborn asses, will march to subjugate the human beings. In fact Prof. Carlos believes that a few overexcited asses are already jumping the gun and are attacking human beings in different parts of the world.

This innocuous looking donkey could actually be thinking about massacring human beings

Such attacks by asses on human beings are expected to grow rapidly in the coming months. Human beings would debate and plan how to tackle donkey kickbacks, but by then the dead army of asses would have been resurrected, followed by the doomsday. These chilling details of the new found prophecy effectively makes each ass in our neighborhood a potential future oppressor of the human race. So should we kill all the asses?

“No! That would be even more tragic. Each ass that we would kill will be joining the army of the dead asses and this way we would end up dealing with a much powerful army. Instead of killing asses, we should be undertaking more research to find out what kind of strength the army of the dead asses could have. We should prepare for the inevitable battle. I volunteer for the research and I hope the governments around the world would help me with grants.” Prof. Carlos asked for help to save humanity.

The research is already creating strong ripples across the world with various Hollywood producers queuing up to make a movie on the grand battle between asses and human beings. Produces claim that these big budgeted movies would also help in further research and would help the humanity fight the asses. Leading author Dan Brown too is supposed to be mulling over the possibility of writing a book over this possible ass attack.

News channels in India too alerted its viewer about the possible revenge of the asses causing widespread hate attack against asses in various parts of the country. Government has appealed for restraint and has asked people not to act like asses. Home Minister P Chidambaram has assured the citizens that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh would be soon talking about this acute ass problem with US President Barack Obama.

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The revelation also comes as shock to many who thought that Chetan Bhagat believed in nameology, as the names of the protagonists in Chetan’s novel were based on the names of Lord Vishnu viz. Hari, Shyam, Govind and Krishna, from first to his latest book.

A file photo of Chetan Bhagat

But an insider told Faking News that Chetan was not so particular on names but always insisted upon putting numbers in the title of his novels. It’s not mere a coincidence that all his four novels have numbers in their titles, be it Five Point Someone, or One Night at Call Center, or Three Mistakes of My Life, and now 2 States. Finally Chetan admitted the same.

Faking News could track down the numerologist of Chetan Bhagat, who, on the conditions of anonymity, informed us that Chetan was deeply influenced by number 6 and considered it as his lucky number. It was his dream to author at least 6 bestseller novels.

He also told that it was not mere coincidence that Chetan got his first book published after visiting six publishers (as revealed in 2 States). Furthermore, his name and surname both have six letters each and the numeric sum of his name also adds up to 6 i.e. [C(3)+H(8)+E(5)+T(20)+A(1)+N(14) = 51 = 5+1 = 6]

Again, in his family, his wife’s name, Anusha, and his twin son’s names, Shyaam and Ishaan, all have 6 letters.

A close friend of Chetan also reveals that titles of Chetan’s next two novels, after 2 States, would consist of numbers 4 and 6, in order to complete the series from 1 to 6. Chetan refused to divulge the details about his next novels, but he accepted his belief in numerology. He also refused that such a belief was irrational, “all these things are decided by the market.” he said.

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The fucking ugly Satan scaring a kid

New Delhi. If you are not a completely useless person, you would know that today is September 9, 2009, which would be written as 09-09-09 no matter which formatting you use till you stick to Gregorian calendar. One can also write it as 999, which is nothing but 666 written upside down, and 666 is the Number of the Beast according the Holy Bible, which means Satan is watching you upside down! (Oh Fuck!) But don’t panic, Faking News will tell you how to protect yourself.

But before that, you must be convinced that today is indeed a special day. It’s the last opportunity in this century to be alive on a day when all the three parameters of a day (day, month and year) can be denoted by a single digit. Not only that, this day is special in many ways.

September 9, 2009 is the 252nd day of the year, 2+5+2 = 9! Today is Wednesday and it is September. Count the letters, Wednesday and September both have 9 letters! Clearly the number 9 holds the key for you, and Faking News will tell you how to make the most of 9.

If you happened to wake up at 09.09.09 AM today, man you have done just the right stuff. You simply don’t need to worry, but to be on the safer side, you should wear nine underwears during the whole day today. Try changing them each time the minute hand of the clock strikes nine.

But if you woke up a few milliseconds earlier or later, don’t worry, you can still protect yourself from that ugly upside down hanging Satan and get the best out of today’s special day. Before stepping out of your home, you must spit nine times on your right side. Remember, each time you must spit on the same spot or you might be hit by a running bull as soon as you reach the main road.

Those who were born between 9.00 PM and 9.00 AM should carry nine pieces of white marbles smeared with ginger-garlic paste in their bag, while those born between 9.00 AM and 9.00 PM should carry nine pieces of black coal smeared with almond-walnut paste. Both of you guys should throw the marbles and coals in your neighbor’s bedroom after midnight today.

To protect yourself from professional troubles, find a female dog, also known as a bitch, who had recently given birth to nine pups in your neighborhood. Garland her and take her to your office and feed her mutton biryani. If you can take along all the nine pups as well, if they survived or if you could find them, you would be blessed for the next nine years.

To protect yourself from road accidents, jump in the air after each ninth step you take while you walk. For best results, stretch your legs and arms as much away from each other as possible when you jump. In case you are not walking and are driving, apply brakes after each 99 meters and try to drive at 99kmph. Oh, god is merciful, he is all knowing.

And yeah, if you are wary of doing some of these stuffs or are not sure if you would be able to do them, there is another simple way. Keep visiting Faking News after each nine minutes and laugh hysterically as soon as the site loads. Forward nine distinct articles of Faking News to your nine distinct and alive friends (each time a new set of nine friends must be selected for each article). If you don’t do this, you will develop piles and won’t be able to sit or shit for the next nine months. Start forwarding now, best of luck!

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