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“you could fatally attack and murder your boss this month”

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 19:56:56 +0000

According to Wikipedia, November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, National Novel Writing Month, Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month, Transgender Awareness Month, American Diabetes Month, Lung Cancer Awareness Month, National Homeless Youth Awareness Month, Crohn’s & Ulcerative Colitis Awareness Month, and the month dedicated to the Holy Souls in Purgatory in the Roman Catholic Church.

Phew, what a busy month, even though some of them don’t make sense at all!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Winter is setting and you need to take a good care of yourself or your body parts can shrink beyond redemption. To add to your worries, fire (agni) is in the fifth house and is surrounded by ketu, it actually doesn’t mean a shit but you should be scared and take precautions. Before you step out of your house, you should chew three leaves of rose along with little pieces of coconut and a dash of turmeric and pepper. This will keep you healthy and alert and your spouse will love you. You will also be promoted in your job at which you suck.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Holy fuck! You might murder your boss this month as he will refuse to grant you any leaves at all even though you have so many marriages of your friends to attend. If you are unmarried, the chances are high that you would attack your boss and fatally injure him in full public view. This could potentially end your career and public life as you’d be arrested on charges of culpable homicide. But there is a solution. You should take a little bit of ear wax from your left ear and apply it on the right cheek of your boss. Boss will be all ears to you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
You have been staring at the dog of your neighbor for long hoping to kill him (the dog). You should watch the Hollywood movie “The Men Who Stare at Goats” starring George Clooney that would release in the first week of November. As you’d know Clooney also talks to his dead pig, with whom he used to share bed, with help of a psychic. Know more about Clooney and you might soon be able to kill that ugly dog, who has been pissing in your shoes, and later even talk to the dead dog with help of a psychic. Pretty cool!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Oh dear, you have a very bad month ahead. All through November, people would confuse you for being in the Halloween mood, as you’d always appear spooky to them. You could try taking bath daily even though it would be tough in winters. Or alternatively, you could wrap a small piece of onion in your handkerchief and throw the hanky below a running truck on any highway. Then take out the smashed piece of onion and eat it with two slices bread and strawberry jam. Don’t forget to remember your favorite god before you take first bite.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)
All the planets are in auspicious houses for you, but you could still go homeless as you’d have to default on your home loan payments yet again. Since you are not any MP or MLA, you’d not have much of time and hefty recovery agents can throw you out on roads along with your furniture and clothes. This could happen because your home in not vaastu-complaint. You should move your toilet near kitchen and put that sofa on the terrace. Start sleeping with your head making an angle of 37.5% north east of your spouse’s left leg, and most of your troubles would go away.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Unmarried Virgo men need to be extra careful this month as their girlfriends can ask them to strip on webcam for love’s sake. Little would they know that she’d be recording the proceedings and would soon put it on YouTube as “Funny video of Indian man showing his little tool” which will attract at least 50000 views on the inaugural day. The instance can leave deep scars on you and you could be forced to become a professional stripper for the rest of your life. Take precautions and don’t use internet on Mondays, Thursdays and on Weekends.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)
As an MBA student, you’d spoil your winters to have a nice summer placement. But to sail through your summer placement interviews, you must make sure that moon is in its third house. Draw pictures of one horned dog on the hostel door of the room that is third to left of your own room. Tear every third page of your economics text book and insert them into the accounting text book. Your lucky number is 0.333 and your lucky number for this month is turquoise black.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
You have chances of getting hit by a cricket ball while watching cricket in a stadium, so wear helmet when you go there. You could also try wearing helmet while driving your bike as your neighbor is quite jealous of your new wife and is looking to break your head. Time period between 9.00 AM to 5.00 PM are not good for you and something untoward can happen to you so avoid doing anything in the above time period. Wear half pink and half yellow on Monday and Thursday.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You have been secretly peeing on the roof of your apartment block but this month you could be caught doing so. People would no longer believe it to be the work of any cat or dog as they have been doing till now, and there is good chance that you would be beaten like a donkey. Give three golden rings to the janitor of the colony and take him/her out for a date at Café Coffee Day and you could be saved from the wrath. The janitor would try to kiss you or hold your hand, yield to his/her demands and god will forgive you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your appetite will grow this month and you’d always feel like eating something or the other. If you are a politician you would eat into the public reserves and empty the state treasury. If you are a cricketer, you would eat all balls and score pathetically slow. If you are a cook, you would be fired. If you are a doctor, god save the patient. If you are a beggar, god save you. Normally you can’t do much about it and you would have to live with it, but some of you might try to keep three bricks on your stomach and ask your friend to stand on it for three minutes to ward off the evil forces.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
Aquarian women have strong chances of developing six pack abs while the men could develop saggy chests (man-boobs). Women will receive appreciation and men will attract admiration to the extent that little boys would be staring at your man-boobs. But if this idea scares you off, you can try to cross dress as anyway November is the Transgender Awareness Month and you could claim to be doing your bit. Women should apply five milligrams of ash on their forehead after burning tortoise mosquito coil while men should apply lip gloss.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You would actually cry after seeing some episode of Bigg Boss and lose half your call balance in your cellphone by participating in online votes and polls of reality shows and news channels. Because of such behavior people would start seeing you as loser so you must act cool all this month. Show middle finger to your workers when they crack jokes at you and do hi-fives with your bosses, these things would make you real cool and your colleagues would be full of respect towards you. You can also try wearing a polythene underwear during office hours.

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“Don’t give away your six months old baby to Rakhi Sawant”

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 08:45:46 +0000

Which fucking one are you?

Phew, finally our in-house astrologer is back to office after travelling around the Himalayas and meeting the Bulletproof Monk who sold his Tata Nano. He had gone on this break as he saw “What’s Your Rashee” and developed a strong repulsion against writing horoscope predictions. We entreated him to take a break and get his soul back, and it seems he is perfectly fine now after moving across the world during the past few weeks.

It was a very enlightening journey he says, where he saw Crouching Chinese and Hidden Soldiers in Tibet. After coming back to India, he also went down south to Tamilnadu and got himself whipped for five hours by priests, although the sexist news channels of India reported only about the women getting whipped.

After gathering so much of knowledge and experience, he has summoned all his wisdom to predict the following set of happenings in October for you people:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Dude, it’s the domestic violence awareness month, and beware, there is good chance that you’d be bashed up by your wife. She’d come to know about your secret affair with the washerwoman, for whom you’ve been leaving cash and love letters in your underwear daily for the last three years. Protect yourself against this impending danger by feeding wada-paav to three hungry hogs each Friday morning. If you are a woman, you don’t need to worry much as your husband has already been warned. If you are a kid, you’re gonna have a rocking moth seeing your parents behave really well with each other.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You could have a heart attack watching a reality show this month, so avoid them. But on second thoughts, you might as well try it. You’d be in the newspapers, either in the ‘oddly enough’ or ‘obituary’ section. Start adding journalists on facebook and orkut, as this could be your month. If you are not too keen on getting mentioned in newspapers, change your television viewing habits. Try Radio. No, not the Himesh Reshammiya one, the one your grandpa used to listen or which is listened to by call center workers while coming back from work in the company Qualis.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
No, don’t even think of giving away your six months old baby to the television producers for “pati, patni aur woh”. When your baby grows, he’d give you away to the same producers for a reality show called “mujhe iss buddhe se bachao” involving torture of senior citizens. If you want your baby to earn and have a good life, you could think of bringing him/her up as a doctor, as we’d have many more sick people in India in days to come. If you have already given your baby for the show, you must wash three dirty donkeys near the bank of the nearest river each Monday to Friday at 9.00 PM sharp during the prime time, failing which you will lose all your money!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
People belonging to UP and Bihar will have a gala time in Maharashtra, go party on the streets. You will be showered with love and affection for your unbridled show of being happy-go-lucky blokes. Your lucky letters are M, N and S and all the coming days in October are lucky, especially the polling dates for the assembly elections. Cancerians living in other part of the country may not be as lucky as their Bhaiyya counterparts living in Maharashtra but they would still have good news coming their way, provided they offer milk to snakes each Sunday.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)
You will make new friends this month, because your old friends had already dumped you last month, some even vanishing away with your wallet with credit cards. Chose your friends carefully as they may be cannibals hunting for food. If you are single, don’t rush into a relationship. Basically, you need to be extra careful this month and keep your eyes and ears wide open. Put three drops of rosewater in both your ears each morning and clear your eyes with buds after waking up. May lord be with you.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
“tumhara zodiac sign virgo hai na? hai ya nahi?” remember that television commercial of virgin mobile? A similar predator, on a mission to destroy your virginity, will try to hit upon you when you’d be traveling with your mom to your hometown. Hit him with you high-heels in a way that punctures his cheek. Don’t worry, India has a defunct railway police and no case would be registered against you. So chill! If you are a man, a similar gay predator will hit on you, and you know what to do.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Your zodiac sign is also the symbol of legal system, but you could have serious trouble in legal affairs this month. The judge will try to grab your land. Land, yes, the one you either plow or have your property erected. Not much is known how to deal with such cases but god is merciful and omniscient. You should fast on each day when the hearing for the case comes up and send flying kisses to the judge when nobody is watching. Also, donate black coats for buffaloes for the coming winters.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
The union of Jupiter and Neptune in your birth chart suggests that you’d not be able to fart for the whole of this month. While this may sound like a good news to you, the worse part is that the air will keep on accumulating in your intestines and you would start looking like The Nutty Professor. You would be able to finally pass the wind when November comes. If this thing shit scares you, you should practice kapal bharti and jog for three kilometers every morning.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I’m sorry but you are going to have a nightmarish month ahead. You’d have strange apparitions and you’d hate everyone in this world. You’d feel that even the pigeons in your locality are showing their middle fingers to you. Your boss will hand over a horrible performance review just after you’d have invited him for a dinner at your house. If you are a student, you’d always find a pebble in your mess food. If you want to protect yourself from such calamities, you must take bath after breaking an egg on your head.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A drunk old man will bless you with the finest wishes you might have ever received, and there is good chance that his blessings could come true. You would meet this old drunk man on a railway track in the middle of night on any lucky day of October. You are advised to spend most of your nights on railway tracks in order to bump into that elusive old man, who can change your life. If you let this opportunity go, you’d have to wait for another thirty five years.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
You will receive a mail from Obama administration asking for your views on the new healthcare policy. You’d surf the net and read up a lot about it and then take up the survey to express your views, even though you are just another jobless guy in India. You need to get out of this state of illusion and get a life. Take three spoons of Horlicks in a cup and mix one spoon of electoral powder into it. Pour hot goat milk into it and offer it to a horse with red blinkers. You’d be blessed.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You will develop a strange fetish for armpits this month, which might stick with you for the rest of your life. You will spend most of your times searching pictures of celebrity armpits and storing them on your personal computer. But good news is that finally you would have a genuine hobby of yourself, and would give up that lame stamp collection activity that you had started after that loser, calling himself a career counselor, came to your school and advised you to develop a hobby to get jobs or to get into top b-schools. You had liked the word philately and had started the stupid stuff, remember?

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“wink at the first thirteen beggars that you come across”

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:55:07 +0000

Ganesha Says, but nobody listens

September will not change much for most of the raashis (zodiac signs) and the miseries are going to continue for everyone. Sorry to say that, but that’s what Ganesha says, as he simply doesn’t like being immersed in those polluted waters, which were so pure when he gifted them to mankind. And he, being the omniscient and omnipresent, knows very well that he’d be treated the same way after a couple of days. So sorry dudes, no luck this month.

But still, since most of you would be interested in knowing your fortune, here is what our in-house astrologer has predicted for you for September:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

LOL! You haven’t recovered from the burn injuries that you caught last month, isn’t it? You won’t recover any time soon as well, definitely not in September. Keep safe all those tubes of Burnol that were gifted to you by your friends, you would always need them as fire is not going to leave you any time soon. But that doesn’t mean you should get disheartened and commit suicide by putting yourself on fire. Mix three grams of tulsi syrup in one liter of mineral water, preferably from Kent RO, and offer it to a gray (67.59% black) buffalo every Tuesday morning at 4.57 AM..

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You are going to suffer further losses in the stock market this month. No matter which brokerage company you trust, you will end up being fucked by the bears. But you will not lose all your property; your house may be mortgaged but your call will be with you, after all who will buy that ugly automated cart? But Ganesha is all merciful and he may save you from going through such excruciating horror. Just be merciful to mice, his carrier, this month and feed them almond muffins each day and night. Cheers!

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

As compared to other signs, you are going to have a less horrifying September. In fact you would attract attention of lots of people because of your loving nature, especially if you start hugging and kissing the trees in your neighborhood. You would be on television! Your ex will feel guilty why he/she dumped you and you would feel satisfied at having proven your worth. Trees contain the key to your success and happiness this month. Go climb a tree!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

People running and owning some kind of businesses need to be careful this month. Bankruptcy could be on its way. And getting bankrupt at a time when the whole world thinks that the economy is on the road to recovery is not a cool thing. Sell off your business and take up a job. The barber in the market is looking for an apprentice, grab the opportunity! Your lucky day, when you could sell off your business and join the barber, is Thursday and your lucky number for September is 3848702865. All the best!

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Missing a friend? You would bump into him/her after so many years this month. You would invite him/her for a dinner and overnight stay at your home and relive all the beautiful moments of your life that you had in college. You would never miss him/her again as your wallet with credit cards and 5000 rupees in cash will go missing the next day. For those who are yet to get into college, you will never get into one. Wear fur when going to PETA offices.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Ooh la la, Most of you would celebrate your birthdays next month! Lucky people I must say. Come to think of it, more than 90% of the world population might not be celebrating their birthdays next month! Doesn’t that make you feel special? Apart from this, nothing would happen that could make you feel special, so you better feel that way. Your sense of humor will really take a dip and you would even laugh at this horoscope prediction. Wear jeans underwear while taking bath in showers.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Another set of lucky people apart from some Virgos. Happy Birthday in advance! You guys are generally confused but this month might clear up some of those confusions as you’d realize without doubt that your deodorant doesn’t get rid of your body odor at all. No, don’t change your deodorant brand, but please take bath more regularly. Men should wear pink when going to discotheques and women should wear burqa. People would not get to notice your body odor this way. Your lucky animal is skunk.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

Your friends will see your facebook profile photo in the ‘hottie of the day’ application. You can’t help it as you are too technically challenged to change the settings to stop that from happening. So let it be and be prepared to receive some winks and naughty messages, including those sent by friends of the same sex and those who are double/half your age. To protect your facebook profile from further misuse, change your login password to ‘fakingnewsrocks’ and update your status message confirming the same.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This zodiac sign name sounds so funny, as if these people do nothing but masturbate. And interestingly, it seems that’s all you guys would be doing this September as many of you are going to lose your jobs and spouses. Those who are not yet married or employed could be expelled from their colleges for ragging a junior. You could be chased and hit by a bull while returning home after watching a late night movie. Despite that, wear bright and baggy red clothes.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You will win a luxury soap in a one-legged racing contest in your nearest multiplex, but not before you would injure your nose by falling flat on your face. Rest of the month, you would have pressing desire to pick or blow your nose but you would not be able to do that. I know life would be tough, but maybe you could be helped by hourly recital of this mantra – nasa prasa dhyuum dhim phit chit koo loo. Say it 111 times and slap your left buttock each time you finish saying it once.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

Time is ripe to start something new, but you won’t have any success in it for September. But it’s still better to start something new as you are destined to fail in the stuff you are already indulged in. You might always have this creepy feeling that someone has been checking your sms inbox and Gmail spam box. Just ignore such feelings and concentrate on starting something new. To get some peace of mind, you can try washing a marble stone with Yamuna water of Delhi till it gets brown or black in color. Throw it away into the Yamuna River from the Nizammudin overbridge once it changes the color.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

After reading the fortunes of others, you still want to know yours? Don’t you already feel insignificant and useless, lying at the last position in the hierarchy of horoscope signs? Yes, you are a destined loser, always coming last in race and first in bed. You might continue to forward those stupid emails but you won’t get an iota of Bill Gate’s fortune. You need to get a life. Wake up at 3.00 AM each Friday, take a butter toast, wear a green shirt and walk out of your home. You must wink at the first thirteen beggars that you come across before feeding the fourteenth beggar the toast. Bring back the butter and apply on your forehead before going on work.

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“your dog will bite on your left ball next month”

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:20:54 +0000

Faking News will be bringing to you randomly released horoscope predictions. The frequency of the predictions will depend upon the movement of moon in the third astrological house when a baby constellation will be aligned with it despite precession of the equinoxes. Therefore, quite logically as the intelligent amongst you would have assumed, the horoscope predictions could be for a month, a week, or any other duration depending upon those special spatial parameters. So just keep watching this space to know more.

For now, following are the first ever horoscope predictions by Faking News for August 2009:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Aries is considered a fire sign and you must protect yourself from fire this August. Smokers beware! There is a good chance that your fart will catch fire from your cigarette butt, causing grievous posterior destruction to you. Non-smokers should not assume themselves to be safe from such incendiary hazards, you might be burnt alive while watching television. To safeguard yourselves, you should burn three paws of any dead cat along with red chilies on a full moon midnight.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

I know you are happy these days but don’t be too bullish Mr. Taurus and please sell all the shares of bull sperm marketing companies that you hold. Recession is not over yet and you should really be circumspect (see dictionary, it has got nothing to do with circumcision) in your dealings. August might prove good to you and your wife could give you a costly gift, and guess what, she won’t use your cash or card to buy the gift! Her boyfriend will buy it. Someone is getting lucky.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

If you thought your zodiac sign had got something to do with gems and jewelry, I am sure you would come out of your illusion next month. You will lose the inheritance lawsuit you are fighting with your siblings and the court will actually order confiscation of all your property, including your gems and jewelry. But don’t worry, there is a silver lining in every cloud. You won’t be paying any income or wealth tax anymore. Show your middle finger to the taxmen next time you see them.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

I hope you know that Cancer is ruled by the moon and hence you must do all your works when the moon is out. Get a job that will allow you to work in night shifts as much as possible, such as a call center employee with a company that has its operations in the USA, a watchman in your local colony, an old fashioned thief, a journalist, or a train or a truck driver. Your lucky color is black and your lucky number is ‘0’. You don’t have a lucky day.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

I hope you know that Leo is ruled by the sun and hence you must do all your work when the sun is out. Get a job that will allow you to work outdoors in summers and non-rainy day as much as possible, such as a traffic policeman, a salesman, a postman, a journalist, or a rickshaw or a taxi driver. Your lucky color is white and your lucky number is ‘f’. Your lucky day is when you wear your white underwear inside out on your pink trousers.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Man, you suck. Woman, you don’t suck. Eunuch, you don’t matter. Transgender, get a life. Basically the horoscope writer of this month was cheated by various persons belonging to this zodiac sign, therefore Virgos are going to have a torrid time in August. Your toilet seat will break just when you would try to flush. There is no way out to escape the miseries but you could try feeding five and half slices of butter-toast to a one-horned cow each Tuesday afternoon.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

You would beautifully balance your professional and personal life in the coming weeks. You would lose your job and your spouse the same day, which will allow you to rediscover yourself. You will have a lot of time and opportunity to try out things you always wanted. Finally you would come to know that you were a loser all your life. You will win a lottery ticket only to find that the result was misprinted. Even your dog will bite on your left ball when you would forget to feed him.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

An unexpected travel to Timbaktu could take place in August where you will meet a three and half feet tall dwarf who would tell you your fortune in detail for the next month. You must be cordial to the dwarf as he would have magical powers to shorten your body parts. You should also be cordial with your domestic help as he would have powers to murder you and run away with your valuables, especially if you are residing in the national capital region. Wear nothing on Mondays.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

There is a good chance of getting promotion in your job from which you were laid off last month. Your salary would be a tad lesser than what you were getting but you would yet feel promoted. Your juniors may become your boss this time, so you must control your ego, anger and emotions. Your children might fight with you for fish curry, so you must control your appetite too. There is a danger of meeting an accident while riding a horse, so be careful and use protection.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Get rid of that fucking goatee or your house can get burnt down in a communal riot. Being a Capricorn doesn’t mean you try to look like a goat. It also doesn’t mean you wear a Capri or eat corn to get lucky. Just say this mantra five times each time you see a goat – goot loot phoot phurr khurr bhdim dung – and your lady luck will smile at you. You must wink at the goat each time after you finish saying the mantra. Always ask for tea made in goat milk when you go to Barista.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

You must take bath at least two times a week as your zodiac sign represents a water carrier. You have a liking to delay all your work till the eleventh hour, but don’t worry it’s not you who is responsible. You are such a terrible personality because Aquarius is associated with the eleventh house. Many of you are born on the so-called Valentine’s Day, but trust me, nobody loves you. You are a repugnant critter till you start earning handsomely and spending it on other people.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You can help your Sagittarius friends whose children would fight with them for fish curry, but chances are that you won’t help and enjoy their miseries. You are a fucked up soul and you have no qualms admitting it. But you should try to be a little better if you don’t want to face the wrath of Lord Ganesha. Try to help people in need such as criminals who can’t afford lawyers. Pluck three leaves of marigold from your neighbor’s garden and rub them on your bums each morning.

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