Faking News » Cricket

Indian team to carry their own pitches for future foreign tours

Anshul Gupta — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:22:07 +0000

Mumbai. BCCI finally seems to have come up with a solution to counter the series of poor performances of Indian team during the overseas tours, especially in England, Australia and South Africa.

“There is nothing wrong with the Indian team, not even Duncan Fletcher,” Mr. N Srinivasan, President of the BCCI told Faking News, “The blame lies with foreign pitches that are not up to the standards of our players. Therefore, BCCI has passed a unilateral resolution with immediate effect under which Indian team will carry its own pitches for all future foreign tours.”

Mr. Srinivasan denied that the unilateral decision was taken as BCCI had monetary clout over the ICC. “You can’t link everything to monetary clout. When our team can carry their own batting kits, coach, fitness trainer, etc., why can’t it carry its own pitches?” BCCI President justified the move.

Such bee invasions on Indian pitches can give additional psychological advantage to India

Surprisingly, BCCI’s move has been supported by other foreign boards.

“It’s a fair deal; BCCI will pay us a hefty pitch-sustenance allowance. Additionally, they will also cover the cost of our curators and other ground staff. I think this should be a win-win situation to both parties,” James Sutherland, CEO of Cricket Australia said in an interview to Sydney Morning Herald.

Pakistan Cricket Board too has liked the idea and has decided to replicate it for their future home series in England. “We don’t exactly need home pitches on foreign tours, but the idea will help us when we play Australia in England next – it will be truly home series as Australia will be playing on Pakistani pitches.”

Indian team, currently losing test matches in Australia, has welcomed this announcement. Indian skipper MS Dhoni, who looked happy to miss the fourth test at Adelaide after losing the first three, welcomed the announcement.

“Well of course, it is a late but well taken decision. Many of the current team members are brand ambassadors of real estate companies that can help the board with construction of the pitches on foreign tours,” he said.

BCCI is yet to take a decision on whom to involve for carrying and installing pitches overseas, however they have started shortlisting pitches. Spin friendly tracks such as Eden Gardens and Feroz Shah Kotla are likely to be favored over relatively bouncier tracks such as Mohali.

Unconfirmed sources suggest that BCCI could ask some engineering students to work on a plan to study domestic pitches and make copies that could be carried overseas. Since China doesn’t play cricket yet, BCCI is banking upon students who copy rampantly in exams.

Subcontinent teams agree to play cricket as “East Indies”

Guest Patrakar — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 02:40:08 +0000

Mumbai. Keeping in mind the absurd performance by their respective teams, cricket officials from India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, and Bangladesh have decided upon having one team from the sub-continent going by the name “East Indies”. The team will consist of the best players from all the four nations, to give the Ausssies and the Proteas and the English a run for their money in the test-matches.

This path-breaking step was initiated by the Indian officials in the BCCI after they realized that the country’s population was way too less to produce 11 world beaters, sources tell Faking News.

After a lot of research it was also deduced that the main reason for Australia’s dominance has been the country’s large geographical area, which brings in players with varied abilities. Hence the four countries decided to unite to compete.

Teams could have played as Asia XI too; however they agreed to form East Indies with the subcontinent teams to keep out Afghanistan, who were thought to be not of any use in cricket.

The step is not bizarre as sovereign nations in the Caribbean islands have been playing cricket under the name West Indies. Game administrators from the four countries believe that East Indies will be able to recreate the magic that once West Indies wielded.

According to the agreement, Pakistan has offered a bunch of bowlers who can bowl real fast without guaranteeing their accuracy. Sri Lanka has offered utility players – fielders who can bat as well (and also bowl spin as everyone there can).

India said they are hoping to provide quality batsmen who will not let them down in home matches. India has also offered The God, but only if he was guaranteed a permanent place in the team till he scored his hundredth hundred.

Bangladesh on the other hand refused to make any promises they cannot keep.

The historic decision had to be made in view of the terrible performance and other reasons plaguing the four teams in recent times. India are being white-washed wherever they go, Sri Lanka have taken the mercurial tag from Pakistan with more troughs than crests (43 LOL!!!).

On being asked the Pakistanis said that they agreed to the idea of one team because they would at least have some home matches, where their cricketing heroes can take care of their averages. Bangladesh did not have to specify any reasons as the reporters took them for granted.

Meanwhile the reactions coming from all the fans of the concerned countries (except Bangladesh) have been encouraging for the officials to go ahead with this decision. There is slight resentment among the Bangladeshi fans related to the first clause in the agreement, which says that the team East Indies would consist of the “best” players among all the four countries.

People in Dhaka have been spotted with placards asking for 27% reservation in the team for the less privileged Bangladeshi players.

Whether or not this step will be successful remains to be seen, but it surely proves the foresightedness and decision making abilities of the people from the sub-continent who run this wonderful gentleman’s game of glorious uncertainties.

(reported by Sourabh Verma)

YouTube moves video clips of Indian innings into “tragedy” category

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:21:10 +0000

California, USA. YouTube, the video sharing website of Google, has announced a new category of videos – Tragedy. It has been launched in contrast to the existing “Comedy” category, where many users had been uploading video clips of the Indian innings in Australia.

The content team of YouTube, consisting mostly of American citizens, failed to see any humor in Indian batsmen getting out one after another. However, after seeing the scorecard, they concluded that the scenes were tragic in nature.

Such scenes elicited mixed reactions from most Indian fans, with some of them having started finding them funny even though there was no longer any element of surprise in it.

“We googled a bit about cricket and from whatever we could understand, Indian team was playing horribly in Australia,” Benjamin William, YouTube’s content services head told Faking News, “We tried to understand why the users were not uploading the clips in the ‘Sports’ section, and we concluded that perhaps the users thought that the game was too one-sided to be categorized so.”

Realizing that “Comedy” or “Sports” were not the suitable categories, the content team started discussions to find an appropriate category. Among the existing categories, “Travel & Events” appeared the closest where the clips from the Australian tour, and from the earlier England tour, could be uploaded. However, the user comments left on the clips suggested otherwise.

“There were no comments left by the users that appreciated the hosts or their hospitality, as is usually the case with travel videos,” William informed. He said that there were only comments like like “why the hell did I wake up early today”, “this still hurts”, and “I hadn’t felt so bad even when my dog pissed on my pizza”.

Having failed to find a fitting category, William and his team decided to introduce a new category named “Tragedy” and move all the video clips of the Indian innings from the Australian and English tours there. YouTube team believes that the category will remain relevant for the coming weeks.

“When cricket is not happening, people can upload video clips of parliament proceedings or movie clips,” an Indian member of the YouTube content team said, “Or people can upload their personal videos like their wedding or their college mark-sheets.”

Man jumbles television channels to miss morning telecast of Perth test

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:03:13 +0000

New Delhi. Ravi Kapoor, a 23-year-old cricket fan who has broken his resolve of not watching cricket 230 times since his school days, has jumbled up the television channels stored on his television set so that he misses the live telecast of Perth test tomorrow morning. Ravi had woken up early in the mornings to watch live telecast of the last two test matches, and was disappointed on every day.

“I know I’d habitually wake up again tomorrow morning and switch on the television to jump straight on to Star Cricket. It was painful, but this time I’m taking all the precautions that I can,” Ravi told Faking News, “I plan to jumble up all the television channels on my LG television so that I fail to see Star Cricket as the first thing in the morning.”

Producers of upcoming Bollywood movie Agneepath are already concerned that the continued poor performance of the Indian team in the ongoing Agneepath series could work against the movie

On the occasion of the earlier two test matches, Ravi was shocked all of a sudden by getting exposed to the live telecast of the match on the television. He’d usually wake up half an hour late due to winters and would find the team in trouble as soon as he opened the eyes.

“My fingers would automatically press the channel number for Star Cricket, and rest is history,” Ravi summarized the last two matches. This time, he wishes to get exposed to non-cricketing shocks like Jackie Shroff selling Sandhi Sudha on any random channel.

“I just wish I don’t get to see India TV discussing India’s performance at Perth as the first thing in the morning,” he expressed his deepest concerns, which also included Sachin getting out in his 90’s and Dhoni scoring quickfire 10 runs.

Asked why doesn’t he delete or block the sports channel altogether, Ravi said that he could take such extreme punitive steps if India loses the Perth test as well.

Many other cricket fans have taken similar steps to prepare themselves for the Perth test. Aakash, an internet addict, has added Cricinfo to the ‘blocked sites’ list to the firewall on his laptop, and has decided not to check Twitter or Facebook, where his friends could be live commenting the proceedings at Perth, till he has brushed his teeth.

“Everyone is doing something special for Perth,” a cricket expert said, “Except Duncan Fletcher.”

Tendulkar fan stops taking bath to ensure 100th century

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 11:20:48 +0000

New Delhi. Prashant Gupta, a diehard fan of Sachin Tendulkar, has decided not to take bath so that the master blaster is able to score his 100^th international century. Prashant took this step after he realized that there was a certain positive correlation between his bathing and Sachin’s centuries.

“I perfectly remember that I had not taken bath for full five days when Sachin had scored his last test century, exactly a year ago,” Prashant claimed. Sachin had scored his last test century on 4^th January 2011 in South Africa, when it was freezing cold in the national capital region.

Prashant claims that he feels pure, as if he had taken bath, when Sachin pours water on... himself.

“I had not taken bath even on the New Year’s Eve last year and had continued without bathing on successive days,” Prashant recalled what he did last winter, “I took bath only after Sachin scored his century in Cape Town. I had thrown a party for my friends that night and I had to take bath.”

A final year engineering student in the National Institute of Technology, Prashant further claims that he had not taken bath even on those two days when Tendulkar scored two more ODI centuries in the ICC world cup after his last test century.

“Yes, yes, yes! Now I realize why the 100^th century is not happening. I broke the chain! I had taken bath during the Quarter Final match against Australia on 24^th March as Holi colors were not going away from my face. And look, though we won the match, Sachin was out after scoring only 53 runs!” Prashant provided the empirical data to back his claim.

Prashant refused to elaborate whether he won’t be taking bath at all or whether he would desist from bathing only on those days when Tendulkar would be batting. But he claimed that he could “sacrifice” anything, not just soap and water, to see Sachin score the 100^th century.

However, his friends claim that Prashant is generally a lazy and stinky fellow and he has just found an excuse for not taking bath.

“He doesn’t even wash his face after brushing his teeth in the morning because he finds the water too cold,” claimed his roommate, who didn’t wish to be identified.

IPL umpires to draw Bajaj RE60 in air to refer to third umpire

Chuck of all trades — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 06:19:30 +0000

Mumbai. Once again demonstrating its ability to constantly act outside the box, think ahead of the curve and latch onto trending issues, the Indian Premier League (IPL) has come out with its latest plan to annoy the crap out of viewers by having brands shoved down their throats innovation – the Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire.

What is it, you ask? Umpires, traditionally, when in need of TV replays for assistance in decision making, draw a box signal in the air. The Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire Signal consists of the umpire doing the same but while holding up special laser lights. Also, the ‘box’ will be a trapezium.

The end result? Following a contentious run-out or stumping, the umpire draws a box in the shape of the Bajaj RE60, which is visible for a few seconds with the laser. This is the first exclusive in-game branding deal for the 5th edition of the IPL, auctions for which go live next month.

An umpire (left) demonstrates the use of the Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire signal using laser-activated fingertips. Notice how the shape of the box closely resembles that of the Bajaj RE60 (right)

And of course, the commentator on air at the time will bellow “Oh, that’s close! It looks like it’s gonna be referred… Yes, it’s a Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire call here!” unless the commentator is Danny Morrision, in which case this will be bellowed: “Oh, that’s close! It’s gonna be Bajaj RE60-ed!”

“This is a Fashion & You fantastic moment for us. ICICI Prudential innovations like these are only going to Emami enhance the viewer’s experience _{get the best viewing experience on Tata Sky HD+} and draw him Canara Bank closer to the game we all love and Revital relish,” said a member of the IPL’s marketing team.

As for the viewers whose experience is supposed to be enhanced, there are echoes of groans across the country. “It’s not bad enough that something looking like a deformed shoebox had to be launched, the IPL had to go and remind us of it every time there’s a close Mach4 TurboMax shave… ARRRGH!” said Pranav, a cricket buff who claims he’s a Test cricket maniac (his Twitter bio says so), but gets bored watching the long hours and spends it watching IPL videos on YouTube.

Kolkata Knight Riders skipper Gautam Gambhir announces the team’s CSR activity – making sure there are as few run-out opportunities as possible so that viewers aren’t subjected to the IPL’s latest brainwave.

If there’s any relief for the consumers, though, it’s that the innovation will not be called its proposed first name – Bajaj RE(60) Adjudication System Technology.

“Imagine Ravi Shastri screaming – It’s a close one, the batsman is on the ground, I can’t see the ball, and yes, the umpire is signaling for B.R.E.A.S.T. here,” exclaimed Rajsekhar, a cricket fan who is obviously relieved because he has to watch IPL games at home with his parents (as it is, he has to channel surf during cheerleader sections).

And lastly, Chennai Super Kings captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has blatantly refused to accept this new innovation for his team’s games saying the “technology isn’t perfect yet”.

(the writer blogs here)

Digvijay Singh to keep mum for 10 days if Sachin scores his 100th century

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 07:54:10 +0000

New Delhi. In a move that can motivate Sachin Tendulkar no end, Congress leader Digvijay Singh has offered to go on a ‘maun vrat’ (vow of silence) for 10 successive days if the master blaster scored his 100^th international century in the Boxing Day test match in Australia. The moment Sachin completes his 100^th run Diggi Raja will stop speaking, and will open his mouth only after full 240 hours.

“Anna Hazare and his team members will be speaking in Mumbai but I will keep mum,” Digvijay Singh described the unimaginable scenario that will be realized if Sachin scored century of centuries.

Digvijay Singh will not try to score with his mouth once Sachin scores with his bat

“I am willing to sacrifice this much for the nation,” he said. He later hastily added that his sacrifice, although paramount, was nothing compared to the sacrifices Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi have made for the nation.

The offer by Digvijay Singh has been welcomed by everyone, though many experts warn that this will add extra pressure on the shoulders of Sachin.

“He is already carrying expectations of millions of his fans. Now add to that the expectations of millions of Digvijay Singh haters. That’s almost like Dolly Bindra sitting on his shoulders and screaming in his ears, while he braces up to face bouncers from the Australian bowlers,” cricket expert Harsha Bhogle explained.

However, it seems that the pressure on Tendulkar is only going to increase as many non-Poonam-Pandey human beings are coming up with their own offers to motivate him to score his much awaited international century.

Sources say that BJP is trying to convince Navjot Singh Sidhu to go on a similar maun vrat to match Digvijay Singh’s offer. However, Sidhu is reported to be unwilling to keep mum beyond 10 hours.

“BJP could try to rope in Rakhi Sawant and make her keep mum for 100 days to better Congress’ offer,” an untrustworthy party source said.

According to some reports, Ravi Shastri has already announced his retirement from commentary if Tendulkar achieved the feat, while Suhel Seth has promised not to discuss ‘Bharat Ratna to Tendulkar’ on Times Now or anywhere.

“All these are fine, but whether or not Sachin will score his century will be known tonight when our experts would announce if Melbourne Cricket Ground is vaastu compliant,” the sports editor of India TV told Faking News.

ICC allows bowlers to take performance enhancing drugs against Sehwag

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:57:32 +0000

Mumbai. Responding to an appeal signed by bowlers of various nationalities, ICC has allowed use of performance enhancing drugs by bowlers when bowling to Virender Sehwag. The governing body of cricket thought that it was in the interest of fairness and justice that the bowlers were given a level playing field when playing against Sehwag, else cricket could degenerate into a Sehwag’s game from a batsman’s game.

“We realized that while bowlers thought that they were playing against Sehwag, Sehwag thought that he was playing with the bowlers; it was getting too one-sided,” ICC chief Sharad Pawar told Faking News.

Pawar said that he had received an appeal by a group of bowlers on Friday, a day after Sehwag scored 219 runs in an ODI against West Indies. Bowlers allegedly said that they were traumatized to see the Indian batsman cross all the limits of decency and not show any respect to any bowler.

Sehwag watching his bat after hitting a six, and wondering why did the ball not go out of the stadium.

The appeal was signed by 32 bowlers of all nationalities, including IPL loving Indian bowlers, and was led by Shahid Afridi, who claimed that he saw the legs of West Indian bowlers trembling while facing Sehwag.

“Trembling legs while running up to bowl to a batsman like Sehwag can cause grievous injuries to the bowlers,” Pawar noted, “Hence we decided to allow them to take medical help. They had asked for performance enhancing drugs, as nothing less than that could help them, to which we agreed after much deliberations.”

Sources tell Faking News that ICC allowed the use of performance enhancing drugs to bowlers as Sehwag had tested positive for a rare drug during the dope test after his double-century. A high level of Tendulkaroid, also known as the god steroid, was found in Sehwag’s blood samples.

“After hours of examination, the doctors concluded that it was a natural formation and Sehwag seems to be producing it of his own. He couldn’t have bought it as that drug is not available even with the shrewdest of the drug peddlers in Mexico,” our source informed, “Based on this information, ICC decided to allow bowlers to take drugs so that they could match Sehwag.”

However ICC has put some conditions while using such drugs. They can be taken by a maximum of two bowlers per team per innings only after Virender Sehwag crosses 50 in a match. Umpires will keep these drugs in their pocket and bowlers can request injections before bowling to Sehwag.

The new rule will come into effect from the next match between West Indies and India at Chennai on Sunday. Sources tell Faking News that West Indies bowlers are already practicing on drugs as Ravi Rampaul was seen moonwalking and singing “Why this kolaveri di” in the hotel lawn, something experts believe was a side effect of some drug.

Thousands of blog posts remain in drafts as Sachin misses century

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 06:17:57 +0000

Mumbai. IT experts have claimed that thousands of blog posts and articles by bloggers and journalists continued to remain in the “drafts” folder as Sachin Tendulkar missed scoring his 100^th international century at Wankhede Stadium here. While this is not yet causing major strains on the IT resources of various organizations, expert believe that content management could become really tough if Sachin delays his century by a few months more.

“Each time Sachin plays a match, writers update their drafts for minor changes. This causes multiple versions of the drafts to be saved in the CMS database, which in turn gains size and uses more server resources to conclude a query,” Sandeep Diwakar, head of the IT department of a sports website explained how Sachin’s much awaited century is making things complicated for many.

Instead of taking off his gloves, millions of fans have been waiting that he takes out his helmet and looks towards the sky.

Experts claim that ever since Sachin hit his 99^th international century in March this year during the ICC World Cup, at least 97,586 articles have been written and saved by various writers in anticipation of Sachin’s 100^th century. These include career sketches of the master blaster as well as analyses of how his centuries have helped India win matches, on most of the occasions.

“Mind you, we are just talking about those who are saving their articles on a central server. There are thousands more saved in local machines by various bloggers,” another IT expert pointed out, “And we have no count of those pending images, tweets, Facebook status updates that are waiting to go live as soon as Sachin hits the century. They must be running in millions.”

Similar sentiments were shared by IT guys of television news channels, who have been forced to keep many documentaries and special programs on Sachin Tendulkar safe in a “do_not_delete” folder of the video streaming server. News channels have such programs ready-to-air for over months now.

“We always have to change the properties of the folder so that the automatic archival software doesn’t move the folder to a non-streaming server and makes it unavailable for instant broadcast; as soon as Sachin hits the 100^th run,” IT administrator of a leading news channel of India shared his frustration.

Not only the IT guys, even journalists and content writers claim that their workload has increased substantially ever since Sachin hit his 99^th international century.

“I was hoping he hits the century today,” Sambit Bal, editor of Cricinfo.com said, “Now we will continue getting more submissions. I already take a ‘sachin break’ after lunch break to put in order all the files that we have in queue for publishing once he gets his 100^th century. Now that it might happen in Australia, guess I have to cancel the Christmas-cum-New year leave of Nitin.”

While BCCI and ICC refused to comment over hardships various people and organizations are facing due to Sachin’s pending century, ICC chief Sharad Pawar took time out to speak to Faking News.

“Even I was hoping he scores his century today,” he said, “Now people would continue making jokes on me being slapped by that Harvinder Singh.”

“Sachin should have been more responsible,” he added.

Digital avatar of fans following cricket at home to fill empty stadium seats

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 08:54:53 +0000

Mumbai. Concerned over the fact that cricket stadiums are largely empty and fans prefer to follow the game over television or internet, ICC is working on a technology that will create digital avatars of fans and put those virtual bodies in the stadium seats. These ‘avatars’ will act almost like real human beings and will assure the cricketers sweating out in the middle that their hard work is being appreciated.

“We have been mulling over a lot of different options to fill in the stadiums, especially during the test matches, because empty stands doesn’t do good to any party,” ICC chief Sharad Pawar told Faking News, “We had received suggestions like allowing cheerleaders in test cricket or to keep Tendulkar’s 100^th international century pending forever, but this one seemed the best option.”

As per the current plan, virtual tickets will be sold to fans desirous of putting their virtual self (avatar) in the stadium. Fans will be provided with sensors that they can apply on their body parts. These sensors will read the limb movements and record the audio that a fan will generate while watching the match at home on TV or on internet.

Although the idea of the technology is similar to what was shown in the movie Avatar, fans will not be having any tails or blue complexion.

The data will be coded by the sensors and transmitted to a central processing system (CPU), which will decode it and provide it as input to the avatars in the stadium. As a result, the avatars will speak and behave the same way as fans do back at home, with a delay of a few nanoseconds.

“The CPU will make sure that no obscene gestures or filthy words are coded,” Sharad Pawar allayed any fears over the technology, “In fact, we are not putting any sensors on the middle finger or on the middle part of the bodies of the fans to avoid spam data.”

To encourage fans to buy such virtual places in stadiums, the technology makes sure that the faces of these avatars match completely with the fans who buy tickets. “A high resolution picture of the face or a webcam will do the trick,” an engineer working on the technology explained.

The new technology will have some premium features such as ability to write a slogan back on a computer at home and instantly brandish it as a placard in the stadium. Sources suggest that BCCI has decided not to oppose technology for the first time, and has requested some special features such as auctioning of seats next to avatars of celebrities.

Fans, who love to follow the game staying put at home, have welcomed the technology though they are not sure how will they generate Mexican waves in the stadium. They have other concerns too.

“What about the ability to feel the female avatars?” a cricket fan from Delhi wondered. “And will we be able to throw any stuff on ground?” wondered another fan from Kolkata.

However, there were some skeptics too.

“This is going too far,” a knowledgeable fan from Chennai protested, “What next? Cricketers playing cricket on PlayStations and the same being broadcast on television and internet? Why this kolaveri di?”

I won’t score my 100th century till we have 100 honest MPs: Tendulkar

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 08:48:36 +0000

Mumbai. After being offered 100 gold coins by former Maharashtra Chief Minister Vilasrao Deshmukh for scoring his 100^th century in the last test-match against West Indies at the Wankhede Stadium here, Sachin Tendulkar has come up with a counter offer. Master blaster has offered to score his much awaited 100^th century if the Parliament of India sends him a list of 100 verified non-corrupt and non-criminal MPs.

“I am not going to score my 100^th century until we have 100 honest MPs in our parliament,” Tendulkar declared in a hurriedly called press conference to clear air around his pending century.

The third and the final test match against West Indies starts on next Tuesday and experts believe that pressure will again be on Tendulkar rather than on West Indies, who were comprehensively beaten in both the earlier matches.

Sachin Tendulkar erupting with joy, apparently after being informed that there was one confirmed honest MP in the parliament.

“India needs 100 honest MPs more badly than my 100 centuries,” Sachin said, as he shifted the pressure on politicians before the match.

When asked how was he so sure that Indian parliament hadn’t scored a century in honesty, the batting legend said, “aila, you need proof for that?”

Sources say that Sachin has asked the Parliament of India to send him a list that contains names of 100 MPs who have no corruption or criminal charges leveled against them.

Vilasrao Deshmukh, whose offer led to this demand by Sachin, refused to react over the development, though he claimed that his party was working over it. Congress sources say that Digvijay Singh has already started making a list that has names of Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi on the top.

Other parties too were reportedly working on similar lists that would be sent to Meira Kumar, speaker of Lok Sabha, who would then collate them and finalize the list of 100 names.

“Left parties have sent the full list of their members while Lalu Yadav has trashed the whole activity,” an honest MP told Faking News on conditions of anonymity, “Mayawati has asked for a probe if Tendulkar was a Manuwadi Brahmin, while a major infighting has erupted in BJP over whose name to put on the top.”

Among the aam aadmi, the announcement by Sachin has been welcomed by everyone, including Anna Hazare, but this has also sent his diehard fans into depression. Many fans fear that Sachin will never be able to score his 100^th century this way.

“100! That’s just too much, and the next elections are three years away. Tendulkar should have asked for 10 honest MPs,” Ritesh, a Tendulkar fan offered a “workable” alternative.

“Please become honest. Please!” Ritesh pleaded with the MPs, “Please do it for Sachin.”

Vinod Kambli says Harbhajan had slapped him during 1996 world cup semi-final

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 18:53:26 +0000

Mumbai. After making a sensational claim that the India-Sri Lanka 1996 world cup semi-final match could have been fixed, former Indian cricketer Vinod Kambli has made another startling revelation that throws new light over what had happened during that historic cricket match.

Kambli has now revealed why he was left in tears towards the end of the match – he says Harbhajan Singh had slapped him.

“I was ashamed to admit it all these years but now I must tell the world everything I know,” the former left-hander told Faking News, “Kolkata crowd was getting angry as India lost wickets and suddenly this young Sikh boy came running towards me and slapped me. I was shocked beyond belief and finally I broke down.”

Kambli says it was Harbhajan Singh, who made him cry back in 1996.

Kambli says that much later he discovered that the boy was none other than Indian off-spinner Harbhajan Singh, then aged 16 years, who had then gone to Kolkata to watch the match.

“When I saw him debuting for India two years later, I felt that there was something suspicious,” Kambli claimed, “Later, when he slapped Sree during 2008 IPL, I was damn sure that he was the same guy who had slapped me!”

When asked why had he kept quiet all these 15 years and not disclosed it even when Harbhajan Singh had slapped Sreesanth, Kambli couldn’t come up with a convincing answer.

“I think Bhajji has some special powers. Everyone saw Sreesanth crying and we have photos and videos of him in tears. But have we seen even a single photo or video where Bhajji is seen slapping Sreesanth?” Kambli argued, “Similarly, I don’t have a proof to back my claim, but take it from me – it was Harbhajan who slapped me and I had to cry like Sreesanth.”

“He is a serial slapper,” he added, “And I wonder why he slapped poor Sree during IPL; he had made it large back then in 1996 itself when he slapped me during ICC World Cup.”

Harbhajan Singh, already pissed off with being dropped from the Indian team playing West Indies, has rubbished the charges and claimed that he was eating Chicken Tadoori back in Chandigarh when the match in question was going on. Bhajji also threatened to slap Kambli for real if he didn’t withdraw the charges.

Harbhajan Singh offers to slap Mohammad Asif and Salman Butt

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:50:05 +0000

Chandigarh. Indian bowler Harbhajan Singh, who had earlier threatened to slap any bookie who approaches him with a match fixing offer, has now offered to slap Mohammad Asif and Salman Butt for their involvement in the spot fixing scandal. Harbhajan has offered this slap as a punishment to Pakistani players, who were found guilty of cheating and corruption by Southwark Crown Court in London.

“Why put the poor guys in jail? They have not murdered anyone. Let me slap them instead,” Bhajji offered his solution to the court, which is due to announce the quantum of punishment later today and tomorrow. Asif and Butt could face a jail term of two to seven years after being found guilty of charges.

Harbhajan Singh claimed that his slap was no less a punishment for a cricketer, as it could potentially ruin the career of the slapped one apart from humiliating him in public.

Harbhajan Singh says he won’t slap too hard

“Take a look at Sreesanth,” Harbhajan said.

The London court has not yet responded to the offer by Harbhajan Singh, however many in Pakistan have supported Bhajji’s solution.

“This is a befitting reply to someone who cheats and brings bad name to our country,” Rameez Raza, former Pakistani cricketer welcomed Harbhajan’s offer and called for one tight slap each to the accused players.

But legal experts are not sure how Harbhajan could be a party to the whole case when he was nowhere involved in the original case. To work around this loophole, many in Pakistan have argued for making BCCI a party to the spot fixing case and making Harbhajan Singh the representative of BCCI.

“BCCI is surely a party to this case,” Ijaz Butt, a lawyer in Pakistan argued, “If they had allowed these guys to play in IPL and earn some extra money, why would they have gone and fixed matches? BCCI can’t escape its role.”

“And look at poor Asif; BCCI denied him the company of hot cheerleaders so he had to go to Veena Malik,” the lawyer added, and asked PCB to file an affidavit in the London court and make BCCI a party.

BCCI refused to comment on the statements by Harbhajan Singh and Ijaz Butt.

Victory over England proves there is nothing like “too much cricket”, claims BCCI

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 06:45:46 +0000

Mumbai. Citing India’s unassailable 3-0 lead over visiting English cricket team in the ongoing ODI series, BCCI has claimed that cricketers were now getting used to too much of cricket and critics should stop complaining about the jam-packed calendars. Many critics and Indian cricket fans had earlier blamed too much of cricket, especially T20 cricket, for horrible performance of Indian team when they toured England a couple of months back.

“They were not rested, instead they played in the Champions League T20 tournament and some domestic matches,” BCCI President N. Srinivasan pointed out the schedule of Indian cricketers that has seen non-stop cricket since ICC World Cup, “And look what happened after that; Indians are playing splendidly now, winning all the three matches against England quite convincingly.”

“All this talk of too much cricket doing harm to the team is bullshit,” he added.

Ravindra Jadeja, apparently congratulating Dhoni after India won the third consecutive ODI against England. However some sources suggest that Jadeja was asking Dhoni if he could be taken into Chennai Super Kings after Kochi Tuskers Kerala, Jadeja’s IPL team, was scrapped by the BCCI.

Initially the BCCI President refused to admit that there was anything like “too much cricket”, citing the fact that many BCCI officials never felt tired of it.

“Rajeev Shukla is a Congress MP fighting Anna Hazare and now he’s also the IPL chairman, who will fight Lalit Modi. He will also continue to be our spokesman; he never complained about too much work!” Srinivasan argued, “And of course we have Sharad Pawar ji, who is willing to think cricket day in and day out, even as he has to discharge duties as Union Minister.”

When Faking News pointed out injuries among Indian cricketers, widely believed to be a result of “too much cricket”, Srinivasan first ascribed them to “bad weather conditions” in England but later settled for players’ inability to adapt themselves to the new calendar.

“Ok fine; maybe earlier they were a bit uneasy about it, but now they don’t have any problem,” BCCI President concluded on behalf of the players, “Indian cricketers are doing just fine and so is Indian cricket. And we must thank Twenty20 matches for bringing about this change. Champions League T20 trophy was the turning point.”

Sources suggest that to celebrate the Indian victory over England, BCCI is planning to organize some special T20 matches on “available dates” before West Indies tours India in November and India leaves for Australia in December.

“I’m sure Dhoni would be available to play in these matches and improve India’s chances of victory against West Indies and Australia,” N. Srinivasan, who also owns the IPL team Chennai Super Kings, captained by MS Dhoni, hoped.

I saw Tendulkar running between wickets on a horse: Afridi

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 10:30:16 +0000

Islamabad, Pakistan. In a sensational disclosure, Pakistani cricketer Shahid Afridi has claimed that Indian batsman Sachin Tendulkar cheated by riding a horse to cover the distance between the wickets when he should have been using his legs. Afridi said that Sachin rode the horse again and again and went on to score a century against Pakistan in a 2005 ODI match at Ahmedabad, which India lost by 3 wickets.

“I clearly saw it,” Afridi recalled, “India batted first and I still remember Sachin and Sehwag coming out in the field riding on a big white horse, which had a pink tail and red hoofs. The reins of the horse were held by Sachin while Sehwag was riding behind him, clutching onto him like a baby.”

“I thought it was some Indian way to make a grand entry as they do in various events and ceremonies, so I kept quiet at that moment,” Afridi said, “But I was surprised when the horse stood back on the field even as Sachin and Sehwag took charge to bat.”

Afridi claims that he took up the issue with ground umpires, but both of them failed to see any horse on the field. He even asked them to call up the third umpire and verify it through video recordings, but shockingly even the third umpire couldn’t spot any horse on the ground.

“It was shocking,” Afridi shared his frustration, “We always knew that India cheated and used unfair means through BCCI, but this was a total shocker. Even now when I go back and look at the match recordings, I don’t see any horse. Clearly, they have used advanced technology and removed the horse from the recordings.”

Sachin Tendulkar, as seen by Shahid Afridi.

Afridi claims that he had to continue with the match as Inzamam-ul-Haq, the captain of Pakistani team in that match, too failed to see the horse and instead asked Afridi to concentrate on the match.

“This totally broke my confidence and I couldn’t take any wickets in the match,” Afridi revealed the hitherto secret incidents that took place six years ago, “I couldn’t believe when people failed to see Sachin getting on the horse as soon as he played a shot and going to the other end riding on a horse.”

“This was the reason Sehwag got run out,” Afridi provided a “proof” to back his allegations, “Sehwag failed to match the pace of the horse. Next batsman in was Dhoni, who could run as fast as the horse, so he didn’t get run out, but he was surprisingly caught by Kamran Akmal behind the wicket. The next one to follow was Ganguly, who again failed to match the pace of the horse and got run out. All these are documented, you can check it.”

“All the Indian players knew that there was a horse on the field for Sachin,” he further disclosed, “Harbhajan Singh, who was the 12^th man in the match, used to bring green grass laced with Horlicks for the horse after each over. The horse did all the running for Sachin.”

Afridi claimed that Sachin scored as many as 63 runs while riding a horse, which was a blatant violation of ICC rules and proved that Sachin was not any great batsman.

“Who knows he might have used the same horse to score his double century in the ODI against South Africa last year,” Afridi alleged.

Afridi said that he was silent all these years as Pakistan eventually went on to win the match. “God punished them for using unfair means,” he said, “But Sachin was riding the horse even while fielding. It’s such a shame that I was declared out caught by Sachin riding a horse.”

The former Pakistani captain, who is currently under conditional retirement, claims that he will disclose more such startling truths in his upcoming autobiography named “From the horse’s mouth”.

With Kochi out, Sreesanth inquires if he can train cheerleaders in IPL

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 15:55:43 +0000

Kochi. After BCCI terminated Kochi Tuskers Kerala’s franchise and ruled out return of the IPL team for the 2012 edition of the Indian Premier League, Sreesanth, one of the home members of KTK, has asked BCCI if he could take part in the 2012 IPL as the official trainer of all cheerleaders.

Sreesanth, along with other members of the KTK, could get an option of playing for other IPL teams in wake of KTK being suspended, but the fast bowler, who is also a passionate dancer, chose to train cheerleaders instead of being auctioned again.

“Yes, we have received a request to this effect and we are considering it,” BCCI president N Srinivasan told Faking News, “But the problem is BCCI doesn’t train the cheerleaders; they are directly employed by the franchises, so I don’t know how will this work.”

Sreesanth’s official avatar?

However sources suggest that BCCI could indeed appoint Sreesanth as the official head of all the cheerleaders, but not because of his dancing skills.

“A cheerleader’s blog had caused some embarrassment to the board last year and they had been looking to bring all the cheerleader’s under BCCI’s direct control ever since,” a source revealed, “Sreesanth’s employment could become a good excuse for satisfying board’s obsession with controlling everything related to cricket in India.”

Sources further inform that BCCI, which had suspended Rajasthan and Punjab IPL teams last year but later revoked their suspension, is making sure that they don’t suspend more than one franchise in one go, as such franchises could gang up with suspended IPL chairman Lalit Modi and start some suspended premier league.

“Lalit Modi had approached both Shilpa Shetty and Preity Zinta last year but the coup was defeated by the BCCI at the last moment as Lalit was too busy chatting about fashion bags before coming to the point. This year they have played their cards intelligently, by suspending only one team, and that too a team that is not a favorite of Lalit Modi,” the source said.

Unaware of all this, Sreesanth is hopeful of getting his dream job of training the cheerleaders in the next year’s IPL. Sree rejected charges that he was doing so because he didn’t want to lose the IPL contract money.

“If I wanted to make money through dancing, I’d have become a dancer at Sri Padmanabhaswamy temple,” the fast bowler said. He refused to comment on demands from some quarters asking the treasure rich temple to pay the money on behalf of KTK, thus truly making KTK “God’s own IPL team”.

Meanwhile, Ravindra Jadeja, another KTK player, is still clueless on what he should be doing in wake of suspension of Kochi. According to sources, Jadeja has been advised to do nothing, as last time he tried to do something, in 2010, he was banned from that year’s IPL.

Three groups claim responsibility for India’s poor performance in England

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 14:22:37 +0000

New Delhi. Leading media houses have received at least three e-mails from three different groups, all claiming responsibility for Indian cricket team’s disastrous performance during the ongoing England tour. These groups – Indian Azharuddin, Tusker-e-Jadeja, and Lalitji – all have threatened that the Indian team would become even more miserable and lose further matches even more hopelessly, if their demands were not met immediately.

“Feel fortunate that India is yet to be bowled out below double digits in a single innings,” the e-mail purportedly written by Indian Azharuddin threatened, “Things can get worse, and they will, if the government and the BCCI don’t accept our demands.”

Nobody had taken responsibility for such performances by team India in England before these e-mails were received today

Indian Azharuddin claims to represent veterans of Indian cricket and is demanding removal of Coach Duncan Fletcher and a moratorium on hiring any more foreign coaches for team India. The group believes that the whole idea of having a foreign coach was nonsensical and the responsibility should be handed over to some former Indian cricketer.

Within 30 minutes of receipt of this e-mail, which caused orgasmic scenes in the offices of various news organizations soon after, a second e-mail was received from a group calling itself Tusker-e-Jadeja, which also claimed responsibility for team India’s horrible performance.

“Whoever has been injured should never be taken back in the team and they should be permanently replaced with bright young players like Ravindra Jadeja,” the group set forth its demands that totally confused the experts and the sports journalists.

“While the first e-mail failed to explain how the group could be responsible and triggering the disaster in England, this one totally beats the logic,” said a sports journalist with a leading news channel, who appeared as confused as any Indian cricket fan.

The confusion was total and complete when the media houses received the third mail from a group calling itself Lalitji. “Bring back Lalit!” was the demand of this group, which took complete responsibility for whatever was happening to Indian cricket.

“The first one appears to be the work of some angry fan, while the second one certainly appears to be a either a prank or spam mail,” a BCCI official reacted to the e-mails, “But we are inspecting the third e-mail, which we suspect is the work of some extremist organization.”

“That’s ridiculous!” the BCCI official reacted when Faking News asked if the board was willing to take responsibility for the Indian team’s poor performance in England, “We are not responsible; these e-mails prove it.”

Salman Khan to become bodyguard of Indian cricketers to stop further injuries

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 16:33:39 +0000

London, UK. Bollywood star Salman Khan has been requested by the BCCI to travel to England and become the bodyguard of Indian cricketers and save them from getting injured. The cash rich board will pay an undisclosed amount of money to the muscular actor for this role, which reportedly has been accepted by the superstar. The decision by taken by the board after they were impressed with the way Salman shielded Kareena in the movie Bodyguard.

“Our cricketers are no lesser a brand than Kareena, and currently they seem to be as vulnerable and delicate as the Bollywood damsel,” Nishant Desai, a BCCI official said, “Not only are gundas like Broad and Bresnan physically attacking our cricketers, they are also being verbally harassed by eve-teasers like Nasser Hussain who called them donkeys. Our cricketers need protection.”

The decision by BCCI was taken after Rohit Sharma dislocated his finger after being hit by a Stuart Broad delivery in the first ODI against England.

Suresh Raina, who matched moves of Hritik Roshan while negotiating rising delivering during the test matches against England, could be given preferential treatment by Salman Khan.

“Imagine Broad being bashed by Salman the moment he goes to boundary after bowling a maiden over,” Ms. Desai explained the board’s vision of protecting Indian cricketers.

Taking the help of Salman was decided upon after a high level committee formed by BCCI rejected the option of calling off the England tour. The recommendation to call off the tour was given by another committee that had concluded that Indian cricketers were getting injured because they were playing cricket.

The conclusion was reached after the committee watched hundreds of hours of video tape of what seemed like test matches between India and England.

“We have commitments to keep with Star Cricket… err… England Cricket Board, hence we couldn’t have called off the tour, but involving Salman appeared to be a very sound solution,” the BCCI official explained.

Bollywood experts point out that after Aamir produced Lagaan and Shahrukh owned an IPL team, Salman had been waiting to do something related to cricket, and hence BCCI might have found it easy to convince him.

Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports suggest that Salman Khan has already taken the first step as Nassser Hussain got an anonymous phone call early today that said, “abbey gadhe, chup kar!”

Ravindra Jadeja included in Standing Committee on Lokpal

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 07:15:45 +0000

New Delhi. The luck and success of Ravindra Jadeja continues to shock and surprise everyone as the apparent all-rounder was picked to be on the Parliament’s Standing Committee on Lokpal bill after being recalled to the ODI team to replace Gautam Gambhir.

Even though Jadeja is not an MP, the government announced that the left-handed genius will replace congress leader Manish Tewari, another genius, who had offered to withdraw himself from the standing committee due to his anti-Anna image.

“Jadeja ji will soon be given Rajya Sabha membership from Karnataka after Vijay Mallya resigns from his seat,” informed a Parliament source, revealing the stature of Ravindra Jadeja in the public life that has been growing unfathomably ever since he appeared with a bat and ball on the cricket field.

Ravindra Jadeja – with bat (left) and with ball (right) – thus an all-rounder in cricket. Q.E.D.

It’s not yet clear why Mallya has decided to surrender his Rajya Sabha MP’s post in favor of Jadeja. Some believe that Mallya might be owing a hell lot of money to Jadeja as outstanding debt, and the liquor baron would have offered to settle the dues in shape of an MP’s post.

“You never know; maybe Jadeja is a billionaire and funds Mallya’s business,” a source speculated the secrets of Jadeja that are yet to come to the fore, “In fact we have leads that suggest that Jadeja owned a substantial portion of Rajasthan Royals before he proposed to Shilpa Shetty, and was thus cheated out of the equity by Lalit Modi, the bodyguard of Bollywood actresses associated with IPL.”

However some argue that such speculations about financial value of Jadeja were as exaggerated and absurd as his cricketing value.

“That’s a whole lot of bullshit. Mallya doesn’t owe any paisa to Jadeja. Mallya just got bored of Parliament in the last few weeks. He used to gulp down a peg of Black Dog before each session, but was depressed to find out that other MPs always appeared more drunk than himself! He failed to get a kick out of it and started doubting his own brands. Finally, he decided to quit,” a source told Faking News.

Whatever be the reason of Jadeja replacing Mallya as an MP and Manish Tewari as a member of the Standing Committee on Lokpal, sources confirm that the government was hopeful for a change in fortunes once Jadeja was on board.

“He can single handedly change the nature of the game and all the onus will be solely on him. Nobody, not even the BJP, will be able to blame Rahul Gandhi or Sonia Gandhi, if any debacle takes place on Lokpal,” a source disclosed the government’s strategy.

Rahul Dravid to make debut as opening bowler, clarifies MS Dhoni

Harshad Karandikar — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 08:50:47 +0000

London. Clearing the air over the seemingly desperate decision to recall Rahul Dravid for the T20 match and the ODI series against England, Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni clarified in a press conference here today that Rahul had been picked to open the bowling, rather than batting, in the absence of a pace lead.

With Zaheer Khan down with a strain caused by excessive stress on the skin surrounding the abdominal region, and Praveen Kumar afflicted by a facial strain brought on by all the intense scowling that he does while bowling, the Indian team needed an experienced campaigner who could add some much needed fighting spirit to the attack.

"Can somebody get this thing out of the way now?"

“Rahul has always been there for the team when we needed him. He’s an intensely resourceful chap, and has always done everything asked of him for the team’s cause. This was just a natural step forward from batting around other more important batsmen and keeping wickets whenever I got a bit bored behind the stumps,” said Dhoni, clarifying that Dravid will play the role of a swing bowler in the limited-overs versions of the game.

When asked whether Dravid would be able to generate enough pace for an opening bowler, a broad grin spread across the captain’s face, until the reporter sheepishly realized how silly a question that had been.

When another reporter queried whether Dravid had been practicing for his new role in the nets, Dhoni said that they hadn’t really told him about his new responsibility.

“One of the remarkable things about Rahul is his ability to quickly adapt to whatever we ask him to do. I’d never given him even the remotest idea that he’d have to open in the first test, nor did I tell him that I was thinking of having a bowl, and he did perform wonderfully, didn’t he? You don’t fix what ain’t broke, mate,” he added, also subtly indicating that the preparations for the Australian tour were well on their way.

Sources suggest that BCCI too supports the Dhoni’s idea though the board is tight lipped about it, lest someone asked it questions under the RTI act.

“This is going to help Dravid in his IPL career. Yeah, he can surely bat the whole day to save a test, but if he does the same in a T20 match, it will be disastrous. The team owners want to see other batsmen at work too whom they have bought after paying big dollars. A bowling stint here would do wonders for his IPL career, wouldn’t it? And bowlers like Dravid is all that are needed to make IPL even more attractive! Sixes and fours all around!” argued a BCCI official on conditions of anonymity.

When contacted for comments, Dravid seemed to be pretty nonplussed with the whole thing.

“I guess I’ll ring up Anilbhai. Not many who bowled faster than him, so he should be a good place to start,” he said, turning around and digging in a short one to a startled Raina, who survives the beast of a delivery, also setting a new record of some sorts by getting the bowl to deflect off his bat, pad, helmet and gloves all in the same delivery.

“Told ya, mate – big deal!” signed off Dravid.

Cricket fan who was confident of Indian comeback in tests selected for Arjuna Award

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 16:05:15 +0000

Pune. Pratik Singh, a 21-year-old Indian cricket fan who never lost any hope for team India’s comeback in the just concluded test series against England, has been nominated for this year’s Arjuna Award for his “outstanding achievement in the field of cricket”. The sports ministry took this decision as Pratik was reckoned to be the only person related to cricket who showed a fighting and indomitable spirit.

“The Awards are given not only for sporting achievements but also for carrying a positive attitude that can promote a culture of sports in the country,” Union Sports Minister Ajay Maken told Faking News, “Pratik was the only person remotely related to cricket who displayed both these qualities.”

Last cricketer standing?

Maken said that Pratik’s passion for cricket and an undying faith in the Indian team’s abilities were unmatched in the country and the Ministry decided to award him for his efforts.

“When everyone was celebrating Anna’s victory, Pratik was awaiting Indian victory in test matches. Not even the Indian cricketers playing in England had the same level of faith in their own abilities as was displayed by Pratik,” Maken explained, “For example, he believed that Suresh Raina was all set to score a century in the second innings at The Oval and save the match. You see.”

“Simply marvelous!” Maken couldn’t hide his admiration for the latest Arjuna awardee.

This is for the first time that a “fan” has been awarded with any national sporting honor, but experts believe that perhaps the decision of the Sports Ministry was not way off the mark.

“Pratik is a regular feature in his colony’s cricket team and last week he was fined with two Cosco tennis balls for playing big shots,” Ravi Jadhav, a cricket expert of Kalyani Nagar analyzed the events, “His average with bat and ball in the last month were better than the whole of the Indian team on England tour.”

When Faking News contacted Pratik from comments, we were told by his younger brother that he was sleeping and he couldn’t risk waking him up.

“Last time I woke him up he beat me up because Sachin Tendulkar was batting on 99 in his dreams,” Pratik’s younger brother expressed his helplessness.

In a related development, BCCI has requested Sports Ministry to take up “test cricket” under government control, even as the board would continue with promotion of Twenty20 and ODI games.

“This way test cricket will also be brought under Lokpal,” a BCCI member explained the “benefits”. It should be noted that BCCI can’t come under Lokpal right now as it was not a government organization while IPL was made up of private bodies.

Sreesanth announces “indefinite bowling” in support of Jan Lokpal

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 14:41:23 +0000

London, UK. Indian fast bowler Sreesanth has extended his unconditional support to Anna Hazare in his fight to get the Jan Lokpal Bill passed by the parliament. On lines of Anna’s ongoing indefinite fast, Sreesanth has announced “indefinite bowling”, where he will bowl relentlessly and selflessly, without caring to take wickets, till his “health permits”.

“I had given eight days to my country the day Anna asked us to do so. It’s just the third day today, which means The Oval test, if it lasts full five days, falls completely under this protest period,” Sreesanth told Faking News.

“If Anna could start his indefinite fast from the jail itself, I can surely start it from the middle of the ground,” the fast bowler explained why he decided to protest while playing cricket.

Sreesanth on a mission to remove corruption

“I will be bowling to remove corruption, not any English batsman. Taking wickets is a selfish goal aimed at improving personal records, I’d be bowling for a bigger cause,” Sreesanth explained his plan of action and hoped that he would get support from the aam aadmi.

Sreesanth claimed that he had the passion as well as the stamina to go on this “indefinite bowling” in support of eradicating corruption from public life. It should be noted that Sreesanth had bowled 36 overs all by himself in the third test match against England at Birmingham without taking any wickets.

It’s not yet clear if Sreesanth is acting independently or he has the support of the rest of the team.

“I am sure other bowlers will join me in indefinite bowling,” Sree expressed hope, “But I’m not too sure about the batsmen if they would join the protests by going on an indefinite batting drive.”

When asked if he favored bringing BCCI and IPL under the Jan Lokpal’s office, Sreesanth said, “Jai Hind!”

Unconfirmed sources inform that Navjot Singh Siddhu too had expressed desire to go on “indefinite commentary”, but was denied permission by the government as it could cause civil unrest in the country.

BCCI to appoint home tutors for teaching test cricket to Indian players

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 17:01:17 +0000

Mumbai. With Indian players appearing clueless in the ongoing test series against England, BCCI has decided to appoint “home tutors” for every Indian player who would teach them finer nuances of the tradition form of the game. Board has taken this step to show their commitment to test cricket and has rubbished criticism that it was interested only in the shorter forms of the game due to commercial considerations.

“We agree that due to too much of limited over cricket of late, Indian team is struggling with test matches,” BCCI spokesman Rajiv Shukla said, “It seems that one coach is not proving to be enough for 15 odd players, and hence we have decided that we’d provide them with a personal coach each.”

“And players won’t even need to go to nets; these coaches would come to their homes and teach them,” he added.

Unconfirmed sources say Kapil Sibal could become the personal tutor of Harbhajan Singh, for Sibal can put a spin on virtually anything.

The board announced that it will soon come up with a public advertisement about the vacancies and everyone would be free to apply.

“We are not going to insist on foreign candidates for home tutors,” Mr. Shukla clarified.

An interested candidate would need to indicate the name of player he is interested in and write an SOP (statement of purpose) on why he thinks that cricketer’s performance in test cricket is going down. No player, not even Sachin Tendulkar, has been exempted from this process. BCCI would then shortlist candidates for final interviews based on the SOPs and candidate’s profile.

The salaries of such home tutors are not yet known, but sources indicate that it would vary from player to player.

“Someone tutoring Laxman and Dravid might not need to do much work, so I guess the salaries there would be on the lower side, while someone coaching Abhinav Mukund could get salaries comparable to what Ravi Shastri is getting,” a source told Faking News.

Within hours of announcement by the BCCI, many Indian fans had already started working on their SOPs as they believed they could help the cricketers better than foreign coaches.

Faking News could talk to Siddharth, an aspiring home tutor of Suresh Raina, whose SOP argued that in order to discourage players from being obsessed with T20 cricket, it should be called “limited talent” cricket just like ODIs are termed “limited overs” cricket.

“There is no other way Raina is going to focus on test cricket,” Siddharth said, “He knows he can still play T20 cricket and IPL, and he might think it just needs a little adjustment for him to click in test cricket.”

“No fucking way! It’s not like driving an automatic car and then switching to a car with gearbox that you can learn with a little adjustment. It’s a completely a new ball game and players must realize it!” a livid Siddharth argued why T20 must be called “limited talent” cricket.

Meanwhile Shane Warne is believed to have written a letter to BCCI asking the board to reconsider his earlier suggestion of making his girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley the coach of Indian team.

“He believes Liz Hurley can do a better job than Duncan Fletcher,” a BCCI source confirmed the development.

Board would announce the names of home tutors, or maybe a new coach, at the end of the third test match at Edgbaston.

BCCI asks England to play the next two test matches in India

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:05:10 +0000

Nottinghamshire, UK. With India losing the first test match at Lords and on the verge of defeat in the second one at Trent Bridge, BCCI has requested England Cricket Board (ECB) to shift the remaining two test matches to India in the “spirit of the game”.

In a meeting that took place during the tea break on the fourth day of second test match, BCCI officials requested ECB representatives to convince their players to travel to India to finish off the Pataudi Trophy, which consists of four test matches.

“They asked us to respect the spirit of the game,” an ECB official confirmed to Faking News, “They told as that even if India won the remaining two matches on flat and turning wickets back in India, England won’t be losing the series, hence it was a fair deal.”

Apparently Harbhajan Singh had asked BCCI to shift the remaining matches to India as soon as possible after he developed an upset stomach due to bad quality of Tandoori Chicken in England.

BCCI hopes to soothe flaring tempers of Indian fans who blame the board for overburdening the cricketers with a hectic schedule packed with random tours and IPL.

Since Dhoni’s decision of withdrawing appeal on Ian Bell’s run out had soothed the flaring tempers of English fans, BCCI asked the ECB to cooperate and reciprocate.

“They have asked for quid pro quo,” the ECB official conceded.

ECB official refused to confirm but sources inform that BCCI had also offered to “adjust” IPL dates to accommodate any professional Twenty20 league that ECB may start in the future.

With most of the English players on field trying to bowl out India in the fourth innings, ECB couldn’t talk to the senior players but sources say that the board won’t find it easy to convince the players.

“Bowlers like Broad, Bresnan or Tremlett would never agree but Captain Strauss might like the idea,” the ECB official told Faking News, “Straus and Cook have struggled with the bat and they might like to get some runs on the board with some help from batsmen friendly wickets in India.”

ECB has reportedly delegated the job to Monty Panesar to talk to English team members. Panesar, a spinner of Indian origin, could be picked for the next two matches if England agrees to travel to India to finish Pataudi Trophy.

To silence criticism and divert attention from this apparent cop-out, BCCI has requested Kareena Kapoor, the putative daughter-in-law of Mansoor Ali Khan Pataudi, to be present at stadiums for the next two matches if they are played in India, sources say.

England player throws KKR jersey in Ishant Sharma’s hotel room

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 04:50:39 +0000

London, UK. An unidentified and suspected English cricketer has thrown a Kolkata Knight Riders’ t-shirt in the hotel room of Ishant Sharma, team sources inform. Team management believes that this has been done to “mentally injure” the Indian fast bowler and further deplete team India, which has already lost some key players due to injury and ill-health on its England tour.

Ishant Sharma had a forgettable stint for KKR in the first three seasons of IPL, where he couldn’t perform well despite being trained by Wasim Akram, a fast bowling legend. However, Ishant was a completely transformed bowler in the fourth season of the IPL after he left KKR.

“It is clearly an attempt to depress Ishant by reminding him of his KKR days. They want to push him in a corner where he starts doubting his own abilities,” Indian team manager Anirudh Chowdhary alleged, “This is not in the spirit of the game and we will complain to the higher authorities.”

Experts believe that such performances by Ishant in the IPL completely confused him about the realities on the ground

Sources inform that the Indian team management is planning to write a letter to Prince Charles regarding the incident.

“Charles is hardly in news these days as the only Prince people seem to care about these days is Williams and his new family after the Royal Wedding. BCCI is hopeful that Prince Charles will feel good and honored by this gesture and might take some steps to punish the erring cricketers,” our source said.

It’s not yet clear if it was some English player or someone else who threw the KKR jersey in Ishant’s hotel room, but needle of suspicion in on England players, especially on Matt Prior, who kept on addressing Kevin Pietersen as K.. K.. K.. K.. Kevin in the first innings when Ishant Sharma was bowling.

Ishant went wicketless after conceding 128 runs in 32 overs in the first innings while Pior and Pietersen were involved in a 120 runs partnership.

“I don’t know what he did or said again in the second innings, but we suspect it’s him as it halted Ishant’s onslaught after he came out to bat,” a member of Indian team management told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

Experts point out that such strategies to upset cricketers from the rival team during their stay at hotels are not new.

“English cricketers’ performance had suffered when they were woken up by a false fire alarm set up by Australian fans two years ago,” Rahul Saraf, a cricket expert recalled, “Now the English cricketers might be trying the same tricks on their rivals. Rooms of all other cricketers should be searched.”

Team management tried its best to find out if there were any pictures of Sreesanth, Symonds, or Mallya thrown in the room of Harbhajan Singh, but none were discovered.

Cricketers in doping scandal, took performance reducing drugs on West Indies tour

Tantanoo — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 06:45:33 +0000

Dominica, Caribbean. The entire cricketing fraternity is in for a rude shock today, as three Indian cricketers on the West Indies tour have been tested positive in a dope test, for consuming “performance reducing” drugs. Although the names of the cricketers involved haven’t been disclosed, BCCI declared today that three cricketers have been suspended for consuming banned drugs that led to an extraordinarily subdued performance by the team.

This is a second blow for the sports fans in the country, after several Indian athletes tested positive for consuming performance enhancing drugs. But this is one of the rarest of rare cases when sportsmen have been found to take performance “reducing” drugs.

“We noticed that a few of our cricketers were not looking confident enough. They weren’t getting into the right positions and were getting out more cheaply than they did in the nets. Even the bookies didn’t seem interested in our players anymore. That is when we decided to conduct a surprise dope test,” says a BCCI official on conditions of anonymity.

He adds that India’s decision to opt for a draw is also under the BCCI scanner:

“Despite having world-class batsmen like Harbhajan Singh in the side, the team opted for a draw. Something is definitely fishy and BCCI will get to the bottom of it.”

Coach Duncan Fletcher is reportedly considering fleeing the country along with the Indian Athletics coach to save travel expenses. BCCI is also investigating the source from which the cricketers bought these drugs.

Ishant Sharma was angry when asked if his ‘Delhi Belly’ look was a result of some drug intake, while Harbhajan Singh threatened to slap Faking News reporter if he asked such ridiculous questions again.

“We are looking into all packages bought by the team and support staff,” informs our BCCI source, “There are some packets from Flipkart.com too that are being investigated as we know that very few of our cricketers can read.”

“However accidental consumption of such drugs cannot be ruled out as some of our cricketers have a habit of eating fairness creams that they promote. Research has indicated that such fairness creams have certain performance-reducing agents in traces,” the source adds.

If the charges are proven, these cricketers may face a ban of up to two years and punishment may also include acting in a Coca-Cola BRRR commercial or playing for Kochi Tuskers in the next IPL.

BCCI hasn’t revealed the names of those involved but rumor mills are abuzz. A senior sports journalist Ramchandra Hoo-Ha mentions that the absence of several seasoned cricketers from the team could have led the youngsters to take this drastic step:

“Without the presence of legends like Sreesanth and Nehra, it was impossible for West Indies to win a game against India. In such an event, some youngsters could have taken a bold decision to reduce their awesomeness by some medical intervention, to allow West Indies better chances of winning. If you look at the bigger picture, these cricketers should be rewarded for fostering peace and creating equal opportunity in the cricketing world, and not ostracized from the community.”

The cricketing fraternity is divided in its opinion on the issue. While former commentator Ravi Shastri said that he news ‘went like a tracer bullet’ through his heart, Kris Srikkanth was too agitated for a comment and could only manage a ‘This, this, this problem’. However Cricket pundits like Sangeeta Bijlani and Siddhartha Mallaya have come out in support of these cricketers.

While the cricketing world is visibly shaken by this development, conspiracy theorists are busy pushing theories that the cricketers did this ‘for Sachin’, as their poor performance would force BCCI to bring Sachin back into the team. The cricketers are said to be inspired by Jayasuriya’s return from retirement.

In a related incident, Ajit Agarkar threw a ball at this reporter, which missed him by a comfortable distance, after he asked Agarkar whether he had been on performance reducing drugs for a major part of his career.

(reporter blogs here)

Batsmen to stop running completely to oppose ICC ban on runners

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 05:31:40 +0000

Mumbai. Various batsmen, cutting across country and club lines, have threatened to stop running between wickets altogether and make every match a low-scoring match if ICC went ahead and imposed its ban on runners in cricket. These batsmen, led by Pakistani cricketer Mibah-ul-Haq, have declared that they will execute their “no running” policy from 7^th July onwards if ICC didn’t withdraw its “no runner” recommendation by then.

“Remember my batting against India in World Cup semi-final early this year?” Misbah referred to his enigmatic approach while chasing 260 runs posted by India in the knock-out match at Mohali. The Pakistani batsman, now captain of the team, had steadfastly refused to run between the wickets and kept blocking the ball untill the asking rate climbed beyond reach.

“Every batsman will play the game like that; we will refuse singles and doubles and hit only boundaries and sixes, that too far and few and when it’s almost pointless to do so,” Misbah threatened of the future of cricket if ICC went ahead and imposed its “batsman unfriendly” decision.

Photographers are concerned that if batsmen refuse to run between the wickets, they won’t be able to capture such moments celebrating a batting partnership.

“We all are with him on this,” Indian batsman Gautam Gambhir, otherwise known to be not on good terms with Pakistani players, extended his unconditional support to the “no running” movement.

The group of batsmen supporting the “no running” movement comprises of almost all known batsman who are either injury-prone or run-out-prone. Sources inform that Indian batsman Rahul Dravid refused to join the group while the group refused membership to West Indian batsman Chris Gayle.

“Dravid thought that the whole movement was ‘stupid’ and he would better concentrate on his batting that included running, while the group thought that Gayle’s inclusion could send ‘wrong signals’ and ICC could impose ‘no running’ rule as well,” a source informed.

Cricket administrators have reacted cautiously to the news with some of them promising to look into the matter.

“I know running might not be enjoyed by many of the batsmen and they’d like to outsource that role to a runner,” ICC chief Sharad Pawar told Faking News, “But they have to understand that on many occasions we have to discharge duties in a role that we may not enjoy that much. See, I’m also Agriculture Minister of India.”

Pawar said that personally he didn’t think running was so important in cricket.

“Even cheerleaders don’t dance after batsmen take a quick single,” he pointed out.

“We could think of introducing rules like the ones in galli (street) cricket or drawing room cricket, where one, two, or three runs are added after the ball crosses a certain distance. This way the batsmen won’t have any cramps or injuries and ‘no runner’ rule could also be implemented,” he said.

The statement by Pawar has reassured some of the protesting batsmen, but a few are still not convinced.

“Have you ever wondered why ‘runners’ are never ‘substitute’ players?” Mohammad Kaif, a professional runner and batsman supporting the movement argued, “It’s because runners don’t ‘substitute’ any cricketing role at all! It’s an independent cricketing role and ICC shouldn’t try to change it. Cricket needs runners!”

Raina asks Arnab to launch campaign supporting India in West Indies

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 14:04:57 +0000

Mumbai. Suresh Raina, the Indian cricket team captain for the West Indies tour, is understood to have written a mail to Times Now editor-in-chief Arnab Goswami, pleading the news channel to launch a “sustained campaign” to help the Indian team get some support and television viewership.

India has won one Twenty20 match and two ODIs in West Indies, but Indian cricket fans have shown no interest in following the series yet.

“Nothing but pointed and direct questions from Arnab could force viewers to watch cricket now,” Raina is reported to have argued in his mail to Boria Majumdar, the sports editor of Times Now, “Please have a Newshour debate of six hours and help us survive here. We badly need your support.”

Virat Kohli reported that he could see the ball clearly as there were no men waving flags behind it in the stands

Sources at Times Now reveal that Boria wrote back to Raina expressing his inability to help as the editorial policy of Times Now was to “report, and not support”, as has been reiterated many times by Arnab Goswami in the recent debates.

Undeterred by this negative response, Raina then wrote a “direct and pointed” letter to Arnab himself, making a strong case of why the channel must support the Indian team, which was thinking of pulling out of the remaining matches owing to lack of interest among the fans back home.

“Your team is the World Champion, you remember?! And your team were the original heroes before Anna Hazare came into picture,” Raina’s passionate letter to Arnab read, referring to the Indian cricket team as “your team” repeatedly to strike a chord with Arnab.

“While we don’t grudge Anna, it’s painful to see someone like Suhel Seth getting more airtime for his howzzats than Harbhajan Singh,” the letter argued, “Harbhajan is actually agitated for god’s sake!”

“Please take note that even BCCI is not replying to our mails, if you don’t support us, we might be forced to pull out of the series,” the Indian captain is believed to have pleaded in the letter.

While Arnab’s final decision was not known to anyone and could be known only during the Newshour tonight, BCCI is believed to be working on a “Team C” that they will send to West Indies in case current players decide to boycott the remaining series.

BCCI to use body doubles of cricketers to save them from burning out

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 29 May 2011 08:45:28 +0000

Mumbai. With a depleted team traveling to West Indies and a threat of low television ratings looming large due to too much of cricket of late, BCCI has decided to use substitute cricketers who look like popular Indian cricketers in their physical appearance and who can bat and bowl a bit.

These substitute cricketers would join the Indian team in West Indies to fill in the void created by the absence of some of the senior players.

A Tendulkar lookalike at the BCCI office for player auditions

“We had summoned the lookalikes of Tendulkar and Sehwag and we are currently training them to bat and bowl like the ‘original’ players,” a BCCI source informed Faking News, “Of course it’s not easy but we can manage it. Our primary concern is that fans get to see their favorite cricketers on ground and on television for every match we schedule.”

BCCI decided to use body doubles after it realized that many cricketers were picking up grievous injuries while playing too many matches back to back. In fact, not just cricketers, many administrators, commentators, members of support staff, and even fans have been complaining of fatigue lately.

The only person allegedly not affected by all these was Navjot Singh Siddhu, but the board decided to act.

Although BCCI initially thought of changing its itinerary, which was called inhuman by Wasim Akram, some of the IPL team owners suggested the board to check out the tried and tested Bollywood solution of using body doubles.

“Many of my fans still believe that the real Barack Obama starred in My Name Is Khan towards the climax of the movie,” Kolkata Knight Riders owner Shah Rukh Khan is reported to have said while trying to convince the BCCI secretary N Srinivasan for using body double of Gautam Gambhir, who aggravated his shoulder injury during the IPL.

“The line between a Bollywood fan and cricket fan is blurring fast; they won’t even know that Gauti is holidaying back home. Yes, the body double could get out without scoring, but who cares about a match in West Indies these days?” King Khan is reported to have argued.

Sources say that at least a dozen lookalikes of cricketers like Tendulkar, Sehwag, Yuvraaj, and Gambhir have been taking part in “auditions” at the BCCI office in the past few days and the board could soon finalize a couple of them capable of telling the difference between West Indies and Kenyan cricketers.

When contacted for comments, BCCI secretary dismissed the reports as figment of imagination of Lalit Modi.

IPL fired cheerleader for not promoting her blog properly

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 11 May 2011 15:10:16 +0000

Mumbai. Latest reports suggest that South African cheerleader Gabriella Pasqualotto, who had written about cricketers “misbehaving” with her in post-match parties in her anonymous blog, was fired for failing to promote her blog properly. The IPL governing council thought that the cheerleader was utterly useless in attracting any attention and eyeballs through her attempts, which could have given the much needed publicity to the professional Twenty20 league.

“Would you have known about this blog had we not fired her?” a Mumbai Indians spokesman argued, “I mean, here is a girl in skimpy clothes, saying cricketers see her as a walking porn, and yet nobody has a fucking clue that such a blog existed! Come on, more people knew about Faking News than her so-called secret diary!”

Sacked cheerleader Gabriella Pasqualotto, seen in full clothes here, claims she had even hired a SEO expert for promoting her blog, but it seems he was a fraud.

Gabriella, who has been now sent back to South Africa by Mumbai Indians, was asked to be fired by the IPL governing council, which expressed utter disappointment with her attempts as her blog was not being followed by either the masses or the media.

“Contrast it with the Fake IPL Player blog during the second edition of IPL,” IPL chairman Chirayu Amin said, “People were talking about that blog more than match reports. And what was he writing? Some stuff about dressing room. And here we had a cheerleader talking about sex and parties and yet nobody knew about it till we had to fire her.”

Mr. Amin said that the fourth edition of IPL faced the biggest challenge to stay in news as it competed with news stories like Indian World Cup victory, Anna Hazare’s fast, A Raja and Kalmadi’s arrest, and recently, Osama’s death, and in such a scenario the cheerleader’s blog was not a bad idea, but Gabriella made a mess of it.

“Just because of this stupid girl, people would say that IPL4 missed Lalit Modi,” Mr. Amin rued.

“Ghanta!” he added as he signed orders to stop release of pending payments to Gabriella.