“Mushie is thinking of having an image makeover before making his next attempt to come back, so that he is assured of a minimum security and guarantee of life in Pakistan,” Ashfaq, close aide of Pervez Musharraf told Faking News.

Musharraf could soon address a press conference to underline his terrorist tendencies

After some basic research and analysis (not to be confused with RAW, the Indian intelligence agency – Ashfaq clarified), Musharraf’s party men concluded that Musharraf could be safe and sound in Pakistan if he declared himself a terrorist – a mujahid out there to destroy India, US, Israel, Denmark, Salman Rushdie, and women posing nude.

“Tag of an ISI or Army supported mujahid would have helped even more, but the current equations between the Army, ISI and the politicians might make that difficult,” Ashfaq rued.

It should be noted that after being an Army Chief and President, Musharraf is currently a politician in exile, who is hopeful of returning to Pakistan and capture power through elections. However, he is struggling to find support among the masses and only Indian news channels appear to take him seriously.

“Given that he gets to visit India and talk to Indian journalists so frequently, he could have won a few seats in the upcoming Uttar Pradesh assembly elections in India, but that’s not our aim; we want to win elections in Pakistan,” Ashfaq said.

A decision to brand Musharraf a terrorist is believed to help the former general in the Pakistan general elections and pitch him ahead of former cricketer Imran Khan, who too is hopeful of winning elections and making Pakistan a superpower bigger than India.

As part of “Musharraf is the real mujahid” campaign, old memories of Kargil War will be reignited and Musharraf would take full responsibility of orchestrating the war. Photoshopped pictures of Musharraf with captured or killed Indian soldiers would be circulated on the internet to highlight the anti-India image of the former general, which could help him a lot in the elections.

“Musharraf is the most liked Pakistani politician on Facebook,” Ashfaq claimed.

When asked if being a terrorist and fighting elections were not contradictory in nature, Musharraf’s friends dismissed such concerns as “irrelevant”.

“Right now our aim is to bring him back safely,” Ashfaq said, “And who knows; imagine if Osama Bin Laden would have decided to come out of his Abbottabad mansion and fight elections. Let’s not rule out anything in politics just because it defeats logic.”

(originally written for and published in English daily DNA)

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To keep the level of “fakeness” as low as possible, Chinese authorities have decided to remove some glaring differences between the original and the faked products. As a first step towards this quality control, the authorities have asked Rho Kai Mio, the owner of fake Apple stores in China, to die.

Mr. Mio is a lookalike of Steve Jobs, who has been visiting the fake Apple stores to motivate employees even after the original Steve Jobs died last year.

A Chinese man shows the original Steve Jobs (left) and the faked Chinese Steve Jobs (right)

“Most the of the employees working in these stores believed that they worked for the original Apple company, and that’s fine as they are bringing money,” a Chinese official said, “But many of them were completely unaware of Steve Jobs’ death as Mio would regularly visit the stores to collect sales commission. We thought it was a little too much and didn’t suit Chinese standards.”

“Rho Mio must die,” the official declared.

It’s not yet clear how will Rho Kai Mio die. Many Chinese officials favor Mio being injected with pancreatic cancer infected blood cells to make the death a complete copy of the Steve Jobs death.

“Just as they can’t tell the difference between a Chinese iPhone and an Apple iPhone, they shouldn’t be able to tell the difference in this case,” ordered Yum Doot, a top Chinese official working on the project to control piracy in China.

However, the family members of Rho Kai Mio have asked the government to allow Mio to fake his own death as he has been faking the Apple products.

“Just like we don’t kill our brain cells to attain innovation, we shouldn’t kill our blood cells to attain death; we should simply fake it, the Chinese way,” Jul Yiet, wife of Rho Mio argued.

While the US government and Apple Inc. have not reacted to the Chinese order, sources suggest that India has welcomed the “experiment”.

“If successful, they can ask China to fake deaths of Afzal Gura and Ajmal Kasab, and settle the issue forever,” a source revealed.

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This step is aimed at erasing history that happened 40 years ago, when on 16^th December 1971, Pakistan army surrendered to the Indo-Bangladesh forces, leading to the division of Pakistan and independence of Bangladesh.

Pakistan will now assume it never happened.

Such pictures showing Lt. Gen A. A. K. Niazi of Pakistan Army signing the Instrument of Surrender to Lt. Gen J.S. Aurora of Indian Army will be declared fake and photoshopped

“There will be no day numbered 16 in December. We’ll have 15 December followed by 17 December. To make up for the loss of this one day, we will celebrate 25 December twice – first as Christmas, and then as Qaid-e-Azam day, the birthday of Mohammad Ali Jinnah,” Pakistani Home Minister Rehman Malik announced.

Mr. Malik rejected criticisms that the decision was against minority-rights as it effectively shifted Christmas on 24^th December.

“Look, this is in fact going to help our Christian brothers – Taliban and other extremist forces will be happy with Christmas being dislodged and will not attack any celebrations,” he explained. However, he didn’t commit whether two consecutive holidays would be announced on both the 25 Decembers.

The Home Minister of Pakistan further claimed that there was nothing outlandish in the decision as Pakistan have been advancing clocks by an hour regularly in the past several years to save power. The clocks were later reversed by an hour to get back to the normal schedule. This decision takes that logic forward and advances the clocks by full 24 hours on the night of 15^th December.

The religious parties, ISI, and the Pakistani Army have welcomed the decision, which drew mixed reactions from Historians. While some historians termed the decision a “farce”, many others have expressed relief.

“I hope we can now remove references in the history books that claim that the Pakistan armed forces defeated Indian forces everywhere in 1971; we used to have tough time explaining this to our students,” a Professor of History told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

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The relationship between Pakistan and United States has been on the downhill ever since NATO forces killed Pakistani soldiers. Pakistan asked US to vacate its military base in the region and US lawmakers froze a $700 million aid to Pakistan as relationship grew from bad to worse.

Sources in Pakistan blurted to Faking News on the condition of anonymity, that such a carefully thought step would help Pakistan play ‘both ways’. On one side, people would feel that USA and Pakistan are no more friends on Facebook, while at the same time Pakistan could still ‘like’ photos and status updates of the USA if the friend request is accepted.

A fake profile of Hina Rabbani Khar, aimed at stalking India’s activities, was already added by SM Krishna, Indian Foreign Minister.

President Asif Ali Zardari, still using Orkut, took some time to know the features of Facebook but once learnt, said “Oh good! Let’s stalk India.”

The President’s wish was immediately granted as SM Krishna accepted a friend request by another fake profile by Pakistan, which had the display picture of Hina Rabbani Khar, the Foreign Minister of Pakistan.

“With USA, we have to be more meticulous as they are not so easily excited by good looking display pictures,” a source told Faking News, “We have to first add some mutual friends in the friend list to convince US of its genuine status. We are targeting Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Morocco and the like, who are famous for accepting anybody’s friend requests.”

Pakistan if hopeful that its new tactic could even help it in viewing USA’ photos with other nations, which was not allowed earlier owing to Pakistan’s bad reputation of Unrealistic Eve Teaser. But sources say that it would refrain from commenting on USA’s profile, as the bad grammar and spellings could alert the US security agencies.

It is yet to be decided what name would such a fake profile bear. ‘Selknamistan’ could be chosen if there is no such username on Facebook. Also, whether ‘Pakistan’ would be the friend of this fake-nation is yet to be decided.

However it seems that the civilian government of Pakistan could again face opposition from the Army and the ISI. General Kayani said, “65 lakhs were paid by Facebook to an Indian undergrad! Don’t you see the Indian hand there? He could be a RAW agent!”

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“It was none of NATO’s business to bomb people and establishments that don’t pose direct threat to the American interests in the region,” a statement by White House condemned the attack in unequivocal terms, “We realize the emotional and strategic loss inflicted on Pakistan due to this reckless act, and we will do our best to help our friends come out of this trauma.”

Spontaneous protests against US started in many parts of Pakistan as soon as the news about NATO strike spread

According to the latest reports, at least 72 terrorists were killed on the spot as a missile blew up an anti-India terror camp, which was mistaken as a Taliban hideout by the NATO forces. At least 119 other terrorists were injured, 27 of them critically, when the NATO missile hit them while they were happily playing kasab-kasab in the morning – a game where terrorists assemble as unsuspecting citizens and one of them starts firing rubber bullets on them.

“We were having fun when suddenly this big boom happened,” Ajmal, a surviving terrorist recalled the tragic events, “Before we could understand anything, half of us were dead. I hope they have gone to the heaven. But the worst part is that those who survived, like me, have neither gone to heaven nor to the Indian prisons, where we could have at least got some security and biryani.”

Among those dead, there were many talented terrorists who were specialized in conducting suicide bombing, mass murders, bomb manufacturing, business development, and marketing for new-terrorist recruitment initiatives.

Initially NATO dismissed these bombings as “collateral damage” in its War Against Terror, but when it was later pointed out that these terrorists were in fact only anti-India and were allocated terrorist activities solely in the South-East Asian region, NATO and White House quickly issued a formal apology to the Pakistan government.

However, the apology has failed to soothe the already flaring tempers in Pakistan over NATO attacks. A flash mob had gathered outside the US embassy in Islamabad and was screaming misspelled English, Urdu, and Punjabi abuses when reports last came in.

Even the President of Pakistan and the Army chief have issued statements where they have warned that “mere an apology” will not do. Though they have not clarified what else will do.

“Another round of US aid money would be needed to recreate the lost resources,” a strategic expert estimated.

(based on this exclusive scoop by correspondent Pagla Ghoda)

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Gaddafi, who is battling to survive as rebels are running all over Libya, is reported to have taken a cue from Osama Bin Laden, who was given shelter in Abbottabad by Pakistan, apparently in return for millions of dollars of Saudi cash.

“Colonel Gaddafi still controls the oil fields in Libya and he is willing to supply petrol and diesel at really cheap rates to India if Indians promise to protect him and his family,” a press release issued by the Gaddafi’s loyalists read.

According to a report, most Indians had similar expression on their faces when they heard about the latest rise in petrol prices.

“If you protect our leader, petrol will not cost more than 10 rupees a liter in your country,” the press release offered the bait.

With petrol prices going up by 3.14 rupees last night and going over 70 rupees per liter in many cities, this offer sounded too good to refuse for millions of Indian citizens, who were busy either reworking their household budget or cracking jokes on Pi (π).

“Gaddafi belongs to the minority community and he should be protected,” argued Chandra Shekhar, who had been accusing all Muslims of being involved in terrorism till yesterday night.

“This is India’s golden chance to become the world superpower; we must protect a progressive leader like Gaddafi,” argued Shashank, who had widely shared a Faking News report satirizing a left leaning JNU student a couple of days back on Facebook.

While Shashank dodged questions on his ideology, a group of left leaning JNU students had already sat on a dharna demanding asylum to Gaddafi, whom they hailed for having heroically fought against the western imperialist and capitalist forces in the past.

“Fuck it man, who cares; let’s get that petrol at 10 rupees per liter,” Shashank yielded and disclosed his beliefs and ideology, which found resonance with an overwhelming majority of Indians.

According to experts, Arundhati Roy could be the only Indian citizen who might oppose asylum to Gaddafi. “She might have supported the idea if others were overwhelmingly opposed to it,” an expert said.

With such an overwhelming support to Gaddafi, the central government is reportedly in a fix as it doesn’t want the ghosts of “oil for food” scam to come back, while the BJP is waiting for the government to announce its intentions before opposing the same.

“What the hell man! Why can’t they decide fast?” an angry citizen said, “Let them close the deal before Pakistan accepts it; they already have a cricket stadium named after him.”

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As a first step towards reduction in spending, Obama announced that he would stop traveling in luxury cars and instead travel in Tata Nano, the $2500 small family car from India.

“President Obama has ordered a fleet of 200 Tata Nanos for use by every official in the US government and the Fed,” a statement released by the White House confirmed the development.

Obama is seen happy with his Tata Nano

The original fleet of cars owned by the government, which consisted of huge limousines and other fancy luxury cars, would be sold off to pay off a part of the national debt, sources say.

Obama is supposed to have taken a leaf out of India’s books where the ruling UPA coalition had announced a similar austerity drive in 2009 to deal with the effects of the global slowdown of 2008.

“A proposal to travel in ‘cattle class’, whenever flying by air, is pending before the President; yes, Air Force One could also be sold off,” our source informed.

“Hillary Clinton wanted to buy a Birkin bag similar to the one carried by Pakistani foreign minister Hina Rabbani Khar, but Obama has asked her to drop the plans till economy shapes up,” the source further revealed the stringent measures being taken by the US government as part of the drive.

Although austerity drives have been undertaken in many European countries as well, the US austerity drive is more likely to be modeled on the one that was followed in India.

“We are closely studying the drive that was launched in India as it seems to have worked,” a White House official confirmed, “We have observed that a string of scams followed the austerity drive; which means wealth was created for sure, thought it didn’t go into the government coffers.”

“We’d just make sure that the money thus created comes to us,” the official clarified why the US government was keen to follow the Indian model.

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“Frankly we had no idea that it was a unilateral action,” John Brennan, a top White House official said, “It was just like any other of those drone attacks, which we used to carry out if and when we had some random intelligence. Yeah, there were some differences arising out of unforeseen reasons this time.”

The official conceded that Pakistani military or establishment was not involved or informed about the anti-Osama operation, but clarified that US didn’t do that on purpose.

A file photo showing a US army personnel unilaterally preparing for a drone attack

“Earlier we used to send SMS to the Pakistani army officials about our planned drone attacks, and used to launch the drones the moment we got the delivery report on our handsets,” John revealed, “This time there seemed to be some network problem as we got the delivery report after 12 hours.”

The official pointed out that even the radar system of Pakistani army was not working that day.

“It was some technical snag for sure, no malicious intents on our side,” he claimed.

“But if the folks back there claim it was some sort of unilateral action that they thought was improper; cool, we’d keep that in mind next time we strike,” John Brennan said, “We apologize for it if they don’t like it. No issues.”

But the official clarified that he was not tendering any apology for the anti-Osama operation as the modus operandi for such an operation had already been finalized and agreed upon at least 10 years ago between the then Presidents Pervez Musharraf and George W Bush.

“See, this style of operation worked, and we are not in a mood to redraw our strategy as it took 10 years to catch that Osama dude,” he said, “We apologize for our next strike is all that I’m saying.”

When asked why US Navy SEALs didn’t wait for the SMS delivery report, John Brenna was a bit evasive. “Our boys were getting restless,” was all that he said.

Meanwhile Pakistani military has termed the US official’s claims a “big lie”.

“They had got the delivery report as well as our reply,” General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani told Faking News, showing us the reply in his “sent” items folder that read, “Wait!”

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The new territory will be called Pakistanii occupied Kashmeer, to evade trade mark laws.

“The Chinese want to work out exactly what it is about Pakistan that pisses India off so much,” Faking News in-house international relations expert Nikhil, 19, said, “The Chinese just can’t get on India’s nerves like Pakistan can, despite having 2.85m strong military personnel, functional nukes, and a crazy streak.”

A map of the area, with notes on it, was found with one of the Chinese engineers in PoK.

“Instead, dusty, dysfunctional Pakistan with its own particular blend of anarchy, militarism and traditionally terror friendly environment has the ability to rile India. It is this ability which the Chinese aim to capture and recreate,” Nikhil explained.

As per the detailed analysis of our expert, the Chinese in PoK are said to be interested in recreating a mini Pakistan – the perfect environment for armed insurgency, instability, and random violence – just across the border from Arunachal Pradesh.

They plan to do this through reverse engineering the PoK model, which means the “Chinese Pakistan” near Arunachal would be developed at a much cheaper rate than the price Pakistan has paid for creating PoK. However, commentators wonder if it will be as hard wearing and enduring as the original branded version.

“China doesn’t need to invest in any research and development activities like Pakistan did all these decades,” Nikhil pointed out, “it just needs to add a local twist, maybe a red star here and there.”

Although it’s not yet clear if the Chinese engineers have been able to rip the code, but sources say that the engineers have suggest some “policy level” changes to the ruling communist party in China. These changes include withdrawing state services from its border region, shutting down successful businesses in the area, and giving away an AK-47 with every 1kg of rice.

“Since China can’t ask for US aid, I think it might trade some AK-47s for cheap missiles it hands over to Pakistan,” our expert concluded.

(with inputs from Pagal Patrakar)

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The list contains the names of the President, the Prime Minister, the Army Chief, and two nominated members that the President would choose from his discretion.

President Zardari showing a non-state actor

“Except for the actions of these five, please stop blaming Pakistan for any bullshit any other person commits in public life,” President Asif Ali Zardari declared to the international community. Zardari has nominated a retired havildar of Karachi and his chartered accountant to be the on the list of “state actors”.

With no cricketer, any member of the judiciary, or Veena Malik on the list, many people in Pakistan have expressed shock and surprise over the development, but the list has been largely welcomed by the intelligentsia.

“Given the kind of resources that we have, I guess monitoring more than five persons could have been tricky. I’m happy that the government didn’t go all gung ho and released a list containing the whole ISI machinery and the identities of the secret intelligence agents,” Nadeem, a Pakistani journalist said.

As always, India has ungraciously rejected the step as “meaningless” and asked Pakistan to take concrete steps to curb terrorist and criminal activities emanating from its soil.

However Pakistan has claimed that it was doing better than India as the Indian list had just two names – Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi. A Pakistani official claimed that the list was released by Digvijay Singh, former CM of Indian state of Madhya Pradesh, and emailed to Zardari last night.

Congress has distanced itself from the alleged list created by Digvijay Singh, though the party has not openly rejected it.

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“The Queen is head of a hierarchical un-democratic institution which has, in the past, caused an awful lot of terror for a great many people – British and foreigner alike,” said advisor, Anthony Wearing, “Although they have been quite quiet recently, given the past tyrannies, the US would undoubtedly support the move as justifiable regime change.”

Queen Elizabeth, though seen happy here, doesn’t get a lot of media mention.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” he continued, “It would be messy, but very good PR. I’m sure the country would support the idea, especially if it gives them a public holiday just like the wedding.”

“Internal support” for the idea is said to be strong with the Prince of Wales allegedly offering the would-be assassin use of an elephant rifle once owned by the Earl of Willingdon.

Rumors are circulating that an Indian assassin may be brought in to do that job due to historical grievances like random imposition of lagaan on poor Indians, forceful seizure of Kohinoor diamond to make it a British Crown Jewel, and the nonsensical re-naming of every Indian city, which the later governments had to revert with legislations.

If this is true, then critics point out that while the US military took a decade to catch Osama, India would end up taking over 60 years to get an elderly lady living in a well-publicized location.

Wearing would not confirm or deny the rumor. “Some things just take longer in India,” were his only words on the subject.

“The last monarch to be assassinated was Charles I who was beheaded in 1649, Al-Qaeda style,” said Faking News’ resident historian who has watched all four seasons of the BBC’s History of Britain series, “After that the royal family became quite popular.” Faking News asked if that had something to do with the oppressive puritan dictatorship that followed in the 1650s, but was told that he “hadn’t seen that episode due to load shedding in Ghaziabad”.

Just before the report was to be published, Digvijay Singh called Faking News and told us that the Indian Prime Minister should also consider this option in order to improve his popularity. “Selective euthanasia,” he called it.

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To protect themselves against the violence, a foreign visitor to the ailing state has to take up a temporary membership with a local terror group of his choice. With terrorist infiltration of the army and the police and ISI support for shady groups, becoming a “temporary terrorist” is now the only way to stay safe.

A terrorist group accompanying a tourist to a guided tour of Pakistan

“I had to attend a conference in Islamabad,” said academic, Lionel Kendall, “My embassy was very worried about my safety until I joined the Lashkar-e-Lahore-inqilabi (LeLi) on a two week ‘Gold’ membership.” With his gold plastic membership card, Mr. Kendall enjoyed immunity from kidnap, a range of 4-star “safe hotels” and a complimentary guided camel tour of some of the region’s most inaccessible caves.

“We see ourselves as part time security professionals,” said “Abdul” of “LeLi”, a fast growing start-up terror group, “It’s also a nice change, hospitality is such a refreshing change from all the terror, violence and bloodshed that we have been carrying after getting a state business development grant from the ISI.”

Faking News asked if Abdul saw a future for himself in the travel industry in case “LeLi” failed to grow on projected lines. “Maybe,” he replied, “Some colleagues of ours did go to New York a while ago and we already have international contacts and a brand identity.”

But Abdul explained that the business was not always easy; he occasionally has bad customers.

“The Americans are the worst,” he complains, “Last Sunday night we took a group of them on a complimentary tour of Osama’s house and they shot him, which was impolite. We asked them to pay, but they said the ISI would pick up the bill.”

Asked about the impact of Osama’s death on business, Abdul said that some people were talking about getting Colonel Gaddafi involved, but he was confident that terrorism in Pakistan had a “bright and secure future”.

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Aware of the slow approach of the US military, the spiritual head of global terrorism had been holding public auditions for his long held post for the past two months. With Osama dead, the results of the contest are due to be announced soon, causing much excitement in Western Pakistan with applicants’ pics and bios appearing on the internet.

Al-Qaida founder CEO Osama Bin Laden is seen here blessing the contestants before his death

“We want Iqbal,” screamed one lady from beneath her niqab, “his beard is the best shaped and he doesn’t beat his wife that much.” Her friend disagreed, “Ahmed is the man, he’s got that evil glint in his eye, but then I’ve always liked bad boys,” she explained.

Applicants were judged on the “menacing nature” of their video cassette appearances, their “generic Middle Eastern appearance” and hiding ability. “Media presentation skills” were judged by Bin Laden himself with special advice from a team of British character actors who specialize in playing bad guys in Hollywood films.

“The standard of facial hair is very high,” said actor, Alan Ripley, “but some of the applicants are too fat to be considered dastardly,” he continued, adding a Dracula-like laugh and a rabid stare. There are rumors that Donald Trump was to send a representative in order to “know his future enemy”, but abandoned the plan after losing all credibility.

The final decision was made by Osama himself and would be binding on all. Democratic succession was ruled out due to the risk of election rigging amongst his ten followers in the cave and the lack of pens, paper and “democratic sentiment”.

The new boss will be keen to avoid the fate of his predecessor, who is now dead and awaiting trial in the US.

Faking News can reveal, from our “international intelligence” source BlackHawk101 at itsaciaconspiracy.com, that the body will be stuffed and taken on a US tour. The Pentagon is keen to recoup some of the multiple billion dollars it cost the world’s most powerful military to catch the ageing, chronically ill man apparently hiding in a cave, who was killed in a tourist city of Pakistan.

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“The President is obviously a man, a male human being; he stands to pee and that’s a daily activity witnessed by many of us,” White House spokesman Bill Burton clarified and further displayed a medical certificate issued by a Doctor in Hawaii that clearly showed the President’s gender as “male”. The medical certificate has also been uploaded on the White House website for the general public.

US President, arguably the strongest “man” on earth, was forced to take this decision after Donald Trump, a billionaire and a potential Republican presidential candidate in the next year’s elections, had recently doubted if Obama was a woman living with another woman called Michelle Obama.

Such images circulated on the internet convinced many Americans that US President was a woman

“I think Obamas are an all-woman family. Two women – Barack and Michelle – and two girls – Malia and Sasha,” Trump is reported to have claimed three weeks back, after which the internet was abuzz with rumors that President Obama was a “secret woman” masquerading as a man.

As one of the “proofs” of Obama’s sexual preferences, Trump had cited his decision to repeal the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy last year, which prevented openly gay and lesbian people from serving in the United States Armed Forces.

Although Donald Trump welcomed the clarification and certificate by the White House and has claimed that he was proud and honored to have achieved this feat, most of the Republican supporters were still not convinced of Obama’s gender and sexual preferences.

“Why have we never seen any father, brother, or son of Barack Obama all these years?” George Palin, a Republican supporter argued, “He is definitely a woman making out with another woman and raising girls. He must be a misomanist (sic.) – a man hater. Oh God! How can we trust someone like him to lead our country!?”

“He is definitely gay, a gay woman!” he added.

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“Our great leader was jumping up and down on the sofa with excitement as soon as Fukushima Daiichi blew,” said the unnamed official, “He was getting bored with the whole nuclear thing and was thinking of buying a Premier League football team instead or an IPL franchise, but the bang was bigger than he expected and now he’s really excited by all the media fuss it’s getting.”

Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-il reacts to the possibilities

Shortly after Kim Jung-Il ordered the acceleration of the crackpot regime’s nuclear weapons program, including a temporary cessation on whipping the nuclear team, a new allotment of one day off per month, and granting the country’s top nuclear scientist an extra 25 grains onto his daily rice ration.

“The leader is very excited by the destructive power,” the official added.

International intelligence agencies have also reported that Libya, Bahrain, Zimbabwe, Burma, and tiny African lunatic state, Equatorial Guinea, are all starting nuclear programs.

“They’re all impressed by the destruction,” said a man in dark glasses sitting on bar stool, using seven empty beer bottles as cover, “Pyongyang is talking about doing a ‘Daiichi’ to Seoul, Mugabe wants to nuke London and Equatorial Guiness, sorry, Guinea, just wants the world to realize how crazy it is and get some press.” The name of “BlackFox1″ will be kept secret for his own safety (his wife only lets him drink on Saturdays).

Intelligence Bureau cables leaked to Faking News by our trusted internet source”MrMartini007″ state that even the Naxalite movement is planning a nuclear deterrent. Reports suggest that three guys are currently engaged in the manufacture of a “really, really strong… stupidly strong” batch of chilli pickle, which the Naxal leadership believes to be the first stage on the nuclear process.

Meanwhile, the GOI has expressed its deepest sympathies to the people of Japan and has stated that it takes civilian and military nuclear safety very seriously. However, a GOI spokesman stated that as an “advanced and fully developed nuclear nation just like Japan, India absolutely possesses the advanced power generation capacity for such a disaster”.

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“These guys have no problem hitting women,” said a masked rebel commander in Benghazi, “Gaddafi is recruiting Touaregs from Mali, so we need to be an international force too; we need to recruit the best, and when it comes to slapping women these guys are simply the best.”

Libyan leader Gaddafi is protected by a 40-member all-women all-virgin bodyguard contingent. All the members, hand-picked by Gaddafi himself, are trained in martial arts and using firearms.

The first squad of ten Delhiites arrived in East Libya last week for training in local domestic violence techniques, including shoe based combat. Despite promising early signs (“I never thought of this: I usually use a belt but a shoe is so much dirtier”) the rebels leaders have had difficulty getting the Indians to carry out their “women management” mission in public.

“All our experience is in low profile combat, planning, sneaking up on the enemy when they least expect it, you know, undercover ops,” said Deepak, 38, a member of the “special force” out there to help the Libyan rebels, “but they want us to do this in the street… that’s not in our culture, someone might see.”

“I am very pleased this is now being seen as a skill,” said Rohit, 48, who has been beating wife Pratima for two decades, “it takes a certain attitude and a lot of balls to be an effective practitioner of woman management.”

Faking News asked Pratima if she was worried about her husband facing a squad of elite gun-toting, martial arts trained bodyguards, “No!”, she said, “I’m sure it will be a useful experience for everyone.”

Women’s rights activist, Sushma Sharma, agrees, “I am usually dead against the threat of male violence against women,” she explained, “but in this case I think it will be progressive.” She is preparing a list of politicians, actors, sports personalities and assorted public figures for the Libyan rebels to target in their recruitment drives.

Faking News called Rahul Mahajan’s agent who confirmed that he is free in March, April, and May.

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“Scams would anyway happen, right?” a spokesman in the Indian Ministry of External Affairs argued why there were no additional costs involved, “Currently they are somewhat bringing all the Indians together who feel cheated by the loot. We believe that if both the countries carry out a joint loot, it might bring many Indians and Pakistanis together as well.”

Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari was reportedly too excited and wanted to start the joint exercise in corruption as soon as possible, even as the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh waited for approval from the high command

Officials from Pakistan too have confirmed that their country was eagerly looking forward to such a joint scam, which could work far better than Indian and Pakistani artists performing together at music and cultural concerts.

“All these Ghazal nights and tabla jugalbandi is fine, but at the end of the day it doesn’t achieve anything political,” said the Pakistani Foreign Ministry official, “Some private media companies end up making money in name of promoting peace, so we thought it was high time we government guys made some money as well from peace initiatives.”

Officials claimed that apart from the formal diplomatic initiatives between the two countries, attempts such as Cricket diplomacy and other forms of Track II diplomacy, such as Sania Mirza and Veena Malik initiatives, had failed to improve Indo-Pak ties, and hence the only option left was to try “scam diplomacy”.

Experts in both countries have largely welcomed the move, and have hoped that the citizens of both the countries would benefit from it. Scamsters on both sides of border too are very happy.

“I was a bit concerned when they were talking about importing onions into India when I was selling them at 80 rupees per kilo,” Sharad Prasad, a hoarder and black marketer said, “Now we can cooperate with our brothers in Pakistan and make sure the prices never come down.”

Sources indicate both the governments have also planned to blame each other for the “domestic scams” if the joint scam brings the people too close to each other, thus threatening “regional stability”.

“Just imagine Lashkar taking responsibility for the 2G scam,” an official in the telecom ministry said.

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Recent protests in Tunisia, Yemen and Egypt have worried every little country in that region that very soon their own citizens could also rise against their governments for giving them shit in the name of better governance and freedom.

“I mean, fine, India is a democracy, but the citizens here get the same shit, isn’t it?” a delegate from Saudi Arabia explained to Faking News, “I mean look at corruption around you. People are burnt alive or shot dead if they oppose it, while others die of hunger. But no, Indians are so happy! We need to learn this art to manage our own guys.”

The flag, which appears like an Indian tricolor, is actually an Egyptian flag, held by people who had it enough and now want their nation to be governed in a better fashion.

Similar sentiments were echoed by diplomats of other countries who marveled at the capacity of an ordinary Indian to put up with all kind of shit that flows from the above. They wondered what was bugging their own people.

“We didn’t even raise petrol prices dammit! They get it cheap as water,” wondered the guy from Yemen, who confirmed that it was mostly the middle class in those countries that was leading the protests.

“Indian middle class is sexy,” said the Yemeni diplomat, who further clarified, “See, we are cool with one of those occasional silent marches or candle light vigils, but that’s it! People should go back to their homes and start relaxing; no problem with that, none at all.”

The diplomats summarily rejected the idea that the local population in the Middle Eastern countries wanted democracy as an alternate system of governance.

“Oh come on, look at Pakistan and people in Kashmir; guys want to move away from democracy there,” pointed out a diplomat, who further informed that their delegation will also visit Pakistan to understand how to deal with this “democracy bullshit”.

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Charles has obviously become tired of the lack of respect shown by the British public, including the recent student protests in which dustbins were thrown at his car and his wife, the Duchess of Kent was “poked with a stick”. Compounding his frustration is his mother’s good health: the Queen has ruled for 58 years and refuses to die; her longevity keeps Charles off the throne.

Prince Charles felt really good, almost like a King, when he came to India in 2006 with his wife, and is reported to have been mulling over having his own ‘territory’ in India since then.

“Charles is now 62 and is running out of time if he is going to rule Britain,” said Brian, an expert on the Royal Family in London, “he can’t get on Bigg Boss or Strictly Come Dancing, so the best thing for him to do is to go and find somewhere else to rule ‘cos Old Liz ain’t going anywhere. It’s traditional, that, people were always invading one another, bloody boring now,” he added, pausing to sell a mug with a picture of Princess Diana on it to a passing Japanese tourist.

A reliable contact on a reputable website revealed to Faking News that: “The Prince has been looking at some history books. He noticed that some of his relations once had quite a bit of luck in India, so he’s cancelled his little ‘invade Belgium’ plan and has been thinking about India”. The source claims the information came from WikiLeaks.

However, with rule in India split between Manmohan Singh and Sachin Tendulkar, there is no room for a national monarch. Responding to this situation, the Prince has allegedly decided to drop to “entry level” and become “Royal sarpanch” of his own village of 1,500 “grateful peasants”, which will be designed by India-expert, Danny Boyle and furnished traditionally (but not too brightly or sparkly) by FabIndia.

The RSS has claimed that the village is a “Christianizing crusade”, however a spokesman for the Prince rebuffed the accusation. “Charles will not do anything to get more followers for the Church of England because his mother is the Church’s Supreme Governor and he’s fed up of Mummy hogging the power,” said Brian, adding, “he will allow freedom of worship, including ‘freedom to worship the sarpanch’, he seems pretty keen on this idea, actually.”

Whilst the relocation of the Prince of Wales has proved controversial in India, a recent poll conducted in Britain showed that 99% of the British public think Charles leaving the country is a good idea.

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“These guys have no idea that Taliban would be most happy to kill them as well,” security expert C Raman told Faking News, “They are blinded with the hatred that they possess for India, who they think is responsible for all the troubles Pakistan is facing today like power outages, militancy, match-fixing and atrocities on Palestinians.”

Zaid and Pervez getting some precious pre-death training and moments to live together

Experts point out that groups like Taliban had earlier persecuted homosexuals for their “sinful” ways, but the gay Pakistanis lining up to join Taliban reject those instances as “Hindu-Zionist” conspiracy to discredit Taliban.

“They have given me so much of love,” Zaid Hommid, one of the gay recruits said, “In fact, they allowed me to be one with Pervez, my love, at the camp here. Me and Pervez would soon leave for India and cast terror into the hearts of our enemies.”

Zaid and Pervez are hopeful of mingling with the Indian population without raising any eyebrows. They have already equipped themselves with many pop-cultural references to India and were seen with DVDs of Coffee with Karan along with other Bollywood movies.

Interestingly, Taliban is training these gay suicide bombers in teams of two each. They have encouraged gay Pakistanis to join the training camps with their partners. Experts point out that this is an “afterlife” incentive for the martyred homosexuals.

“None of them would be interested in 72 virgins that Taliban promises to ‘normal’ suicide bombers. That’s why they are preparing the gay bombers in couples. Both of them die and think they’d have gala time in the heaven with each other,” pointed out a Taliban watcher.

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Wen is reported to have reasoned that the IPL was symbolic of a few people calling the shots according to their whims and fancies, something which was synonymous with Chinese customs.

Even though Indian authorities tried to explain that IPL teams must be owned by Indians, Wen remained adamant and disclosed that it was “too late” for him to change his mind as he had already thought things to the minutest of details.

Wen Jiabao also expressed his interest in umpiring in some of the IPL matches and said he had been practicing the art for some time now

“I have plans of including Yu Suf Pathan, Yu Vraj Singh and T Tsu Man in my team,” Wen detailed out his IPL strategy, “The team would have Yan A Gupta as the brand ambassador.” He even disclosed his plans of hiring “Yindoo” leader Pramod Muthalik as her underwear supplier (after the stock he gathered following the Pink Chaddi campaign).

“What synergy – Yana and Yindoo – the IPL Yin and Yang,” Wen grinned, before he started blushing.

When asked how the catchment area would be defined for China, Wen took the help of statistics to explain the composition of his team. He rationalized that approximately 33% of the world population was Chinese, which made every third person in this world a Chinese. So he logically concluded that he would include Suresh Raina, Gautam Gambhir, Kumara Sangakkara and other batsmen who batted one-down in IPL in his team.

Wen also said that having Chinese sponsors would reduce the time for advertisements. Replacing the Maxx Mobile strategic time-outs with some Chinese Mobile strategic Time-outs would be good for the game, as the Chinese mobiles would never last for the full duration of two and a half minutes.

Wen refused to take Rahul Dravid in his team as there can not be two Great Walls of China.

After Wen’s insistence, his proposal was taken to Indian Prime Manmohan Singh, who expressed his displeasure at the news, although he reluctantly discussed some issues related to Cricket.

“I didn’t know Cricket was on his mind. I thought Wen Jiabao would bring a welcome relief to the people in India,” Prime Minister Singh said, “We were tired of making jokes on ‘Hu’ only (like Hu is the leader of China) and ‘Wen’ gave us the opportunity of coming up with something new.”

He winked and quickly added, “Wen in India. He did as the Indians do.”

The real fall-out between the two Prime Ministers began when they began arguing what would be the correct way of giving two batsmen out in one delivery

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5. Musharraf caught traveling on fake visa bought from Chinese agents

Local police here has detained a person, who totally looks like Musharraf, and was caught possessing a fake visa and making anti-India speeches.

“He was beaten up by Kashmiri Pandits and some other right-wing activists, who were still roaming horny after slapping Mirwaiz last week,” inspector Jarnail Singh informed how the police succeeded in apprehending Musharraf promptly.

Pervez Musharraf, immediately after having been brought to the police station

Police took Musharraf to the nearest police station after rescuing him from the mob, which was trying to reach for the ex-general’s trousers after having torn his shirt and broken his spectacles.

After checking his documents, police concluded that the detained person was indeed Pervez Musharraf who had arrived in India early today morning on what looked like a fake and cheap Chinese version of the Indian visa.

“Although his documents showed that the visa was valid for a stay for six weeks in India, it had already expired when we caught him,” Jarnail Singh said, “such a low life of visa confirmed that it must be a duplicate Chinese version.”

Punjab Police has filed a case of sedition, illegal stay, forgery, obscenity, and destruction to government property against Musharraf.

Musharraf has denied all the charges even as he struggled to justify how he could sneak into India despite having been denied visa a day earlier.

“See, I don’t need to employ the usual routes,” Musharraf said talking exclusively to Faking News, “I could become the President of Pakistan when nobody thought it could happen.”

But it seems Musharraf’s adventurous and mysterious trip to India could land him in serious trouble. Pakistan has declared that the person caught by Punjab Police is not a Pakistani, not even a non-state actor.

“We don’t know any Musharraf,” Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani said, “And no, India doesn’t need to send us any dossiers to prove that. They can do whatever they want to do with the man they have arrested. We are not interested.”

Some experts believe that it’s a ploy by Pakistan to disown Musharraf so that India ends up spending additional crores of rupees from the national exchequer on court trial, apart from what they are already spending on Kasab.

“Furthermore, we never know when would Arundhati Roy declare Musharraf ‘an Indian of a kind’ if he’s kept in the police custody for long,” an expert warned.

To overcome these grave threats, some of the experts have suggested handing over Musharraf to Arnab Goswami of Times Now so that the ex-Pakistani President could be used as a captive guest for non-stop television debates.

“Pakistan’s plans will fall flat. We’d have a wild party each night on The Newshour and India would end up generating crores of advertising revenue,” the expert proposed.

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“WTF man,” Pakistani Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi said as he pouted his lips and pronounced all the four words in the clearest way possible with a Queen’s (not to be confused with Zardari’s) accent, “I can’t even speak fast enough and they want us to act fast on terror!”

“And look who is talking. Two years into Kasab’s trial that is still not over, no headway in the Headley’s case, in fact they have not made a single significant arrest in this case – people were arrested by US, Pakistan or Sri Lanka; and they want us to act fast!” Mr. Qureshi protested.

Many people in Pakistan are sure there were no terrorists around

“Yes, we don’t give a shit,” he added, when asked if Pakistan didn’t share India’s concerns over terrorist groups operating in the region.

Pakistani leaders further added that while they could see large scale destruction and death due to terrorism in the area, they were still not convinced that it was being carried out by Pakistan based groups.

“There is no proof,” said a leader protesting attempts to save the life of Aasia Bibi, “for all we know those terrorists groups could be Hindu-Zionist propaganda.”

Earlier, on the second anniversary of the Mumbai terror attacks, India had asked Pakistan to act fast and punish the perpetrators of the terrorist attacks. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh had declared to redouble the efforts to bring the perpetrators to justice.

“They are welcome to double their dossiers,” Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gillani said as he texted a new post box number to his Indian counterpart where the new dossiers could be sent.

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“That comes around 1000 dollars per terrorist, which is not a bad deal I guess. India, learn some skills from us!” Governor of Punjab province in Pakistan Salman Taseer tweeted when asked for his reaction.

“That’s more than what a US company gave you for each Indian life in Bhopal Gas Tragedy you fool!” he retorted when someone pointed out that Pakistan was selling itself out to US this way.

The terrorists, apparently carrying US made weapons, whom Pakistani establishment is supposed to kill with US aid-money

Similar reactions were reported from many Pakistani officials, who reiterated that number of terrorists in the region was not any concern till the aid money, in genuine US Dollars, kept coming in.

Buoyed by the Pakistani reactions, US authorities have now begun to develop the fine print for “transfer of terrorists” to the region. An initial draft of the plan could be shared with the Pakistani authorities when Obama could visit the country early next year.

“It’s not all that challenging,” a Pentagon employee working with Photoshop and Wikimapia on his desk said, “We just have to keep repeating that Osama is hiding somewhere in Pakistan-Afghanistan and terrorists would throng that region to get a glimpse of their hero.”

US authorities believe that the 2-million-terrorists target is “modest” and could be met “very soon”.

“Just a few more cartoons or a little-known pastor threatening to burn their book, and we can produce that many terrorists in-house,” said another Pentagon guy, further adding, “Transferring them to the region won’t be a big issue as we enjoy good relationships and connectivity with Pakistan.”

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An apparel making company has announced plans to launch a special burqa that will make sure that the wearer didn’t get any cuts or bruises once she received heavy blows or lashes from her husband.

“Completely safe and halaal for wife-beating,” Anjaar al-Hijri, CEO of DrapeWell Inc. informed about their latest product – the padded burqa – which will have cushions around body areas that were most vulnerable to receive bruise or cut marks upon beating.

Earlier attempts to produce and market similar burqas had failed due to aesthetic challenges

“Once you feel like bashing up your wife because she didn’t serve you rose-water for washing your feet, just go ahead and do it!” Mr. al-Hijri explained the benefits of the latest burqa for husbands desirous of wife-beating.

“This burqa will make sure that your actions remain completely legal and ethical,” he added, and hoped that Dhaal-E-Sehat-O-Izzat, the name for their latest product, would sell like hot cakes in coming days.

There were mixed reactions to the latest product launch with many married men expressing pleasure over the development.

“Lovely! I’m going to gift this beautiful burqa to her on our next anniversary,” said Naseem Nasheri, a Pakistani investment banker living in UAE, who also shopped for a “compatible” rod that he could use to hit his wife for instilling some “discipline” in her.

“They should also provide rods or lashes free with it,” he said as he got the burqa packed in a beautiful pink colored box as a surprise-gift to his wife.

But some shoppers were not convinced of its performance and wanted a “live demo” of the burqa, which has pushed DrapeWell Inc. to look out for “human mannequins” to be put up in their showrooms. A job requirement was flashed earlier today and a team from Kerala is expected to be flying anytime into UAE now with the required manpower.

France or Shiv Sena were yet to comment on the development.

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Currently both Veena Malik and Begum Nawazish Ali are taking part in Bigg Boss season 4, a television reality show in India.

“Both are products of plans and policies adopted by successive governments and have been in a way trained by the establishment,” Musharraf claimed, though clarified that neither of them were “trained” to fight the Indian army or the Indian society unlike the terrorists and mercenaries in Kashmir.

Veena Malik making allegations on television; Musharraf claims she picked it from the way government of Pakistan behaves

“Veena Malik is known to make extensive accusations and claim to possess proofs to back those allegations,” Musharraf points out, “this is exactly how Pakistani governments have been reacting in cases of terrorist activities at home. We accuse India and claim to have proofs.”

“She picked it up from there,” Musharraf explained how Veena Malik was virtually trained by the Pakistani establishment, although her actions are not aimed against India as it “should have been”.

In case of Begum Nawazish Ali, a cross-dresser who was born a man in 1979 but started believing afterwards that he was a woman, General Musharraf traces his “training” to former president General Zia-ul-Haq.

“Pakistan was born a South Asian nation in the Indian subcontinent but started believing that it was an Arab nation and part of the larger Islamic world under General Zia,” Musharraf explained how the behavior and beliefs of Ali Saleem, the original name of Begum Nawazish Ali when he was born a man, were results of Pakistani establishment’s training.

“It’s not a coincidence that Ali Saleem was born and raised at a time General Zia was ruling Pakistan,” Musharraf pointed out.

Expectedly, the remarks by Musharraf have been trashed by Pakistani leaders and political parties, who termed him “characterless” and burnt him in effigy. Currently Musharraf is not residing in Pakistan.

“Now he would never be able to come back to Pakistan,” avers a protestor shouting anti-Musharraf slogans, “such statements can only win him a seat in Bigg Boss in India and not any votes in Pakistan.”

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“We picked the letter ‘I’ for the 5th time and after Iraq, Indonesia, Italy and Idaho falls, daddy wrote India as a place in the 5th turn,” said daughter Malia Obama after frantically being quizzed by Indian reporters trying to make a story every time the US president mentioned India.

“Yes, that’s right. We were playing Name, Place, Animal, Thing,” said younger daughter Sasha saying nothing that added any value to the situation, but thereby giving reporters another priceless quote to fill up valuable newsprint.

File photo: President Obama (probably) thinks of India

“I didn’t do very good. I don’t know so many places,” she said, giving another paragraph or possibly a full-sized feature on the poor state of America’s education system.

For creating the headline, the reporters used their usual tactic – the loaded question. “India is a democracy with over one billion people,” Barack Obama said in response to the question, “India is a democracy with over how many billion people?”

The mundane quotes will also be spiced up by pointless analyses such as why India was only the second Asian place that came to Obama’s mind and whether the president really hates Indiana. It will also be discussed if Indonesia is more important than India in the developing world and what India can do to grow faster economically.

Michelle Obama meanwhile, in spite of desperate goading by reporters did not accept that the saari was her favorite outfit and refused to comment on whether daal tarka was better than chicken tandoori.

(written by Rohan D’Sa after being inspired by this insightful report)

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“These monkeys have higher IQ than our earlier recruits but somehow they lack the motivation to blow themselves up in a crowded place.” informed Maulana Mushroom Azahar, the spokesperson of Taliban, even as his men were seen convincing the monkeys to follow the true path of god and kill the infidels, whether armed men or random women and children.

Monkey Terrorists trained by Taliban could soon strike various parts of the world

Maulana expressed happiness that otherwise the monkeys were doing fine and were quickly learning vital skills like throwing a grenade, firing from a Kalashnikov, assembling a bomb, and recording video messages while appearing somber yet threatening.

“They are intelligent creatures, right among the best ones like trained engineers and doctors that we have been able to attract till date.” chuckled Maulana, who is confident that infidel countries like the USA, Israel and India would now be clueless on how to tackle these monkey terrorists.

But Maulana considers his work unfinished till he could convince these monkeys of becoming suicide bombers or gunman like Azmal Ali Kasab.

“We have asked our research department to deeply study and analyze monkey psychology and spot areas which we can influence and convince these soldiers for the ultimate martyrdom.” he said.

But experts believe that the going would be far tougher for Maulana as his time tested means could fall flat on the monkeys.

“There is no evidence that monkeys believe in concepts like heaven and hell. They are mostly believed to be enjoying their present, unlike many human beings. They also have very different approach towards sex – they don’t consider it taboo or forbidden, and they don’t necessarily hanker after virgins.” Kasim Kohistani, an expert in Animal Psychology, argued.

Other experts too agree and caution Maulana not to become over enthusiastic just because the monkeys have shown positive results in other areas.

“A bulk of the people that Taliban had been attracting till now had lived in a habitat worse that those enjoyed by these monkeys. Those poor guys were malnourished and grew up seeing killings and violence around them, which could make the monkeys appear more alert and intelligent in comparison, but that doesn’t mean the monkey would be ready to do everything they say.” said Hamid Wahidi, an economist.

When approached by Faking News, the trainee monkeys refused to talk, but one of them agreed to comment after our correspondent gave him 250 grams of peanuts and two dozen bananas.

“It is fun shooting from these guns and getting food in return! But give me a break; I’m not going to blow myself up for peanuts! Hah, never!” said Kalandar, a trainee monkey terrorist.

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“If we hadn’t enough gays becoming bishops, now we have a Hindu bishop too. Are we living in a real world?” wondered Sandra Palin, a local community leader and a devout Christian, who feared that ‘false prayers’ by Bobby could spell doom for the community.

Many others supporting Palin over the issue have asked the local church committee to immediately repeal the ordinance appointing Bobby as bishop else they would stop supporting them through their donations. The community is meeting this Sunday to discuss future steps and could ask the committee to express regret for causing deep pain to the local Christians.

Hindus are increasingly being accepted in the USA, many believe

On the other hand, some Hindu groups like Hindu American Foundation (HAF) have lauded the appointment of Bobby as bishop, although they regretted that Bobby was rather restraining his feelings towards cows as just ‘love’ when he should have declared his reverence for them.

“We hope he comes out of the closet one day and declares his Hinduness more openly.” an HAF representative told Faking News, “say, he lights up the church for Diwali?”

Such statements have riled the groups opposed to the appointment of Bobby even further. But despite being in the center of a controversy and facing flak for its move, the church has refused to back off.

“Bobby has shown full commitment to the Christian faith and is also a patriotic American. Yes, he is openly Hindu and loves cows, but it’s alright, The Bible doesn’t prohibit bovine love.” Catherine Robinson, the head bishop of the local church said, who had earlier supported appointment of gay bishops.

Catherine also called upon the local community members to learn to live with different approaches to sexuality, spirituality and Christianity. In fact, she went on to announce that her church could even bless Hindu-Hindu marriages in future.

The man at the center of the controversy, Bobby Haley, too has defended his appointment and has claimed that he thoroughly deserved the post and the honor bestowed upon him through this act.

“I accept Jesus Christ as my savior and I consider Iran as my enemy.” declared Bobby amid applauses from a crowd gathered to celebrate his appointment.

“And yeah, I love cows.” he added, underscoring his Hinduness.

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“Yes, we spoke two words more than them.” informed Indian Home Minister P Chidambaram about the outcome of the talks, which he claimed was fruitful and satisfactory for India.

Earlier talks between the two countries have been ending in boring draws

According to the official scorers, identity of whom remains a secret but widely believed to be Americans, India spoke first on almost all the occasions and amassed 34,749 words in total, which apparently indicated a paradigm shift from ‘accusatory’ to ‘exploratory’ mode.

“An accusatory mode can’t produce so many words. It mostly starts and ends in two words – fuck you.” said Hillary Clintwood, one of the purported official scorers for the talks.

In response, Pakistan too spoke magnificently, matching India’s stellar verbal performance neck and neck, but in the end fell short by 2 words i.e. scoring 34,747 words over the whole duration.

“It could well have ended in a tie, but Pakistan seems to have lost the count somewhere in between.” Hillary said.

Some experts believe that Pakistan might have purposely spoken a fewer words in order to give India a sense of achievement, so that they (Indians) stopped insisting upon talks over Hafiz Saeed and thus scoring even more words in the process. While there are others, mostly in Pakistan, who believe that Pakistan lost because of match fixing.

“It was a clear case of match fixing. Our people were already taking about replacing words like ‘dossiers’ with ‘hearts’ in the middle of the things. We all know that dossiers score more than hearts any day, so why was that change in strategy adopted? We have thrown away this contest I tell you.” alleged Hamid Gul, a keen follower of talks in Pakistan.

Back in India, the news has been largely received positively in all quarters, but it’s not yet clear what were those two words that helped the nation score this decisive victory.

“I guess it was ‘trust deficit’; once we mentioned it, Pakistan agreed to it and no further words were exchanged over the issue.” P Chidambaram said.

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