Mumbai. Natwarlal Naik, a self-proclaimed master-thief got the shock of his life when he stole a laptop from a car parket at Prabhadevi traffic signal earlier today.
Talking to this reporter, a distraught Natwarlal, who claims that he was lured to this profession in childhood to fulfill his passion of watching movies, said, “You see, as a rule, whenever I steal a wallet, mobile, laptop, etc., I first check it out for any important content before selling it off in the chor bazaar.”
“I switched on the laptop and the user name was ‘Taran Adarsh’. I immediately guess that it belonged to the noted film critic,” Natwarlal recalled the turn of events, “To be sure it was the same Taran Adarsh, I entered ‘starstarstarstarstar’ as password, and the laptop logged me in!”
Natwarlal, being a movie buff, decided to dig deeper into the content and opened the file “Reviews.xlx” in the folder named “Scripts”.
“I was shocked!” he told Faking News, “He had already written reviews of the movies that have not even been released, and given them all 4-4.5 stars.”
The thief claims that he read reviews of unreleased films like ‘Singham Returns’, ‘Entertainment’ and ‘Creatures 3D’.
“Singham Returns will reinforce the public’s faith in realistic cinema,” Natwarlal tried to recall what he had read, “I have been blown away by the original concept of Creatures 3D and strongly believe that Bipasha Basu is this generation’s Sophia Loren.”
“The best lines were of course for ‘Entertainment’, where he had written ‘Sajid and Farhad are two directors who will change the trend of filmmaking in this country. Their impeccable comic timing, their intelligent jokes, and sophisticated punch lines are proof that unlike other directors, they do not take their audience for granted’,” the thief revealed the superlatives and adjectives he encountered.
A shocked and betrayed thief dropped his plans of selling off the laptop and instead rang up Taran Adarsh demanding an explanation.
“He defended himself by saying that he was working on an advance technique of film criticism,” the thief said, “He further claimed to have developed a proprietary software that can write a review with inputs such as names of actors, budget, and relationship.”
“He didn’t clarify what he meant by ‘relationship’,” Natwarlal said when this Faking News reporter wondered.
Later, when Faking News checked the “Reviews.xlx” file, we found an MS Excel formula “=RANDBETWEEN(30,50)/10” in the “Rating” cell.