Kanpur. 31-year-old Rohit Shekhar, who claims to be N D Tiwari’s illegitimate son, is not alone, Faking News can reveal. A group calling itself the “Children of Tiwari” has emerged in Uttar Pradesh and is claiming a common ancestor in the veteran politician and lady’s man.
The community’s leader, Ashok Khanna, 46, from Kashipur, Uttarkhand, led the group on a protest march through Kanpur yesterday.
“We are all children of Tiwari,” he shouted to the twenty thousand strong group,” and we demand mass paternity tests,” waving a blood sample in the air. The group is demanding reserved jobs within the Congress party structure as their “fundamental and historical right”.
“Our common origin is beyond doubt,” said Vikram Biwas, 31 from Lucknow, “My mother told me that my father was a powerful man with money, who could not be contained by one woman… well, she uses different words which I won’t repeat here, but Tiwariji must be our father.”
The community is diverse. Young Anand, just 3 years old, from Hyderabad, was brought to the rally by his “step father”. “He is a child of Tiwari,” said his father, “he is nothing like me; he doesn’t have my genes, no child of mine would wet the bed so much. Tiwariji must provide for him.”
Nirupma from Haldwani is also demanding a Congress job, despite the fact that she is 79. Faking News wondered how the then 6-year-old Tiwari could possibly have fathered her, but was informed that he was a “quick learner”.
An anthropologist observing the group claims that some youths are busy tracing their lineage back to Tiwari and taking on Tiwari-esque lifestyle practices, such as wearing a white hat to “symbolize potency” and the ceremonial consumption of Viagra.
When contacted, a spokesman for N D Tiwari denied the group’s claims, pointing out that all Tiwari’s sexual acts are video-taped and are therefore available with an RTI claim.
Demographic experts point out that if the 85-year-old politician is indeed the common father, he would have fathered one child every 1.5597 days – a rare production rate normally associated with rodents and Silvio Berlusconi.
“If these guys are telling the truth, Tiwariji might be the most successful alpha male in the Indian history, and just second to Genghis Khan in the world,” Pratik Inamdar, an historian informed, “We estimate that his genes will be present on Mars/Antarctica/Amazonian tribes within 100 years.”