Wednesday, 19th February, 2020


An open letter to Shoaib Malik (hope this one is delivered)

06, Apr 2010 By Khamba

Dear Shoaib.

First off, let me congratulate you for believing in the concept of marriage so much, that you were willing to come here and surrender your passport to the Hyderabad police. Inshallah, in case you get arrested tomorrow, you will be the second most famous Pakistani in our prisons since Ajmal Kasab. You have no idea how excited I am at the possibility of hearing Rehman Malik call you a non-state actor.

Sania and Shoaib
Sania Mirza and Shoaib Malik discuss why they haven’t received their respective letters each

Let me also express my condolences for being tricked into thinking that Sania Mirza was a Pakistani citizen. I completely understand how tricky it can be, given a city of the same name also exists in your native land, and given your opinion (which you so rightly expressed after your loss to us kafirs in the 2007 T20 World Cup) that it is the only place in the world where true Muslims such as our lovely tennis starlet can live. Those extra-curricular classes with Inzamam and Yousuf Youhana turned out to be a total bitch, huh?

I do want to take the time however, to give you a few pointers about life in general.

I know you’re from Sialkot, where a woman showing her eyes is akin to being in a Hooters bar, but there are some things which I want you to keep in mind in case you decide to venture out in the world again.

Stop using Yahoo Chat and get on Skype: Again, perhaps you didn’t hear about Skype being from a small town and all – but it’s a totally rocking piece of software where you can actually SEE the person you are talking to. Dump that Yahoo id where you play a/s/l a/s/l with everyone whose name even sounds remotely like a woman’s. And DON’T click on that id with a TV next to it! Those webcams are totally fake!

Don’t “fall in love” with someone’s pictures: Trust me when I say I find you good looking. In fact, so good looking that you have more potential than Harman Baweja and Uday Chopra will ever have to produce a hit. Then why sell yourself short like that? Women NEVER send their real pictures online. So if you want to jerk off, let me refer you to – Real women, real fun! And yes, shut down a LONG time ago

Stop telling the media you treated Ayesha like your elder sister: Really? That you called Ayesha Siddiqui “aapa” is your defense? All you are doing is giving more fillip to the stereotype that people from your country keep marrying their own cousins and sisters. So think about the consequences.

Apologize to Inzaman and make friends with Yuvraj Singh: You realize he will beat the crap out of you when he finds out the reason you weren’t performing was that you were up all night before the match sexting an Indian cross between Oprah and Ugly Betty? Make friends with Yuvraj Singh NOW and see how it’s done in style!

Blame it on Ijaz Butt: Seriously, if nothing else works, that will.

That said, I wish you and Sania the best of luck for your wedding. Oh and, before I finish, make sure you work out before the big night, I hear she’s a bit on the heavier side.



(written by Khamba after surviving all comments and reactions to his earlier open letter to Sania Mirza)