Astrologers puzzled over effects of new asteroid around earth; say ‘It’s out of syllabus’

09, Jul 2016 By vaibhav1996

Delhi: A group of astrologers based in the capital have expressed unhappiness over the confirmation of news of discovery of new asteroid orbiting the earth.

When in doubt say 'It's out of syllabus'
When in doubt say ‘It’s out of syllabus’

They claim that a lot of people are coming to them asking about the effect that it might have on their lives. They also say it’s stupid to do so as it is just out of syllabus and this behavior has made them worry about entire astrologers community.

When contacted by Faking News over this matter, they said, “Its completely unfair. We have to work very hard and do precise mathematics in order to calculate positions of stars and planets in our syllabus, now they want to add one more. And that too on an asteroid near the moon! As if moon was not enough! We were still okay as long as they were discovering planets and stars outside our galaxy or solar system. We could convince people that new planets being discovered are in different galaxy, so it takes many light years for them to affect your life. They will probably affect you in next birth. But now they have crossed the limit. They discovered one next to moon.”

The news of the discovery of this new asteroid 2014 OL339 orbiting the earth was in media from 1986, but has been recently confirmed which caused a sudden sense of fear among people who have marriages, job interviews, board exams and other important ceremonies coming up.

One of the grief-stricken persons talked to us, “I think it is going to be a big hurdle in my job interview. Earlier our family astrologer used to tell us the auspicious time and date as soon as we called him up. It felt he could imagine the elliptical paths of planets, complex vortex through which our solar system moved, drawings in the stars and relate it to the digits of my birth-date. It was magical. He even gave the color of clothes I should wear on my board-exams and even on my first date. Everything worked out so well. But now, Guruji is puzzled. He says the asteroid is too big to be ignored and too small to be considered.”

This is what one of the experts on the subject has to say, “See it is the moon that causes the tidal waves; it pulls the water on earth and since we are 70% water, the moon affects our mood, life and even sensual experiences. The asteroid 2014 OL339 is small but since it occupies almost the same place as moon, it should do the same but may be in a diminished manner. Gemini may feel 1.5% more angry this week, Libra may get 20% more profit and you can do the calculation. It is all going to be the same, except it will be a bit more enlarged or diminished.”

Another expert slammed this view and said, “Since this guy is new, it will take time to learn how to affect people’s lives. I don’t think this generation has anything to worry about. But they should perform ceremonies for their upcoming generations. It could be a great danger in the future. And while it learns how to do so we shall develop mathematics for the same. We will perform rituals for it to co-operate with us. We must do poojas to stop the asteroid from observing the moon and other enemy planets as to learn how to have bad affects on our lives. This is for the benefit of the entire mankind. Science has done its job. It has discovered it. Now it’s our turn- be the savior.”

Astrologers all over India have suspected it be a western conspiracy to root out their position and respect in the society. Some say they should contact engineering students who are experts on writing answers for questions out of syllabus. Through secret sources, Faking News has come to know about involvement of many engineering students in helping astrologers cope up with this situation.

While many rationalists are using this opportunity to seek people’s attention on the fact that astrology is bullshit and if it can’t even deal with a new asteroid how will it deal with your life.

But on a brighter side, given the record of public awareness, this is hardly bothering astrologers as they know sooner or later, people will come to them and they will be able to win their confidence again. It may be a temporary disruption in their business but this has prepared them for future hurdles.

Many astrologers are creating a new section in Kundli where ‘Planet X’ i.e. unknown, undiscovered planet is sitting. Initially, the un-match of Kundli prevented marriages among different castes, we expect with modern changes, it may prevent marriages between same gender too.

However among all this, the star statement of all interviews that Faking News took on this matter remains the one given by a displeased but honest anonymous astrologer (who refused to reveal his identity).

“It is not the new asteroid that bothers me. But what really hurt me was the public response. They started to apply their intelligence in this matter and investigate. It was really the darkest moment of my entire career and really hope this situation never repeats. We are working hard towards. It is in fact, a big blow to entire astrology community. We hope our planets help us in this time of despair,” he said.