September will not change much for most of the raashis (zodiac signs) and the miseries are going to continue for everyone. Sorry to say that, but that’s what Ganesha says, as he simply doesn’t like being immersed in those polluted waters, which were so pure when he gifted them to mankind. And he, being the omniscient and omnipresent, knows very well that he’d be treated the same way after a couple of days. So sorry dudes, no luck this month.
But still, since most of you would be interested in knowing your fortune, here is what our in-house astrologer has predicted for you for September:
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
LOL! You haven’t recovered from the burn injuries that you caught last month, isn’t it? You won’t recover any time soon as well, definitely not in September. Keep safe all those tubes of Burnol that were gifted to you by your friends, you would always need them as fire is not going to leave you any time soon. But that doesn’t mean you should get disheartened and commit suicide by putting yourself on fire. Mix three grams of tulsi syrup in one liter of mineral water, preferably from Kent RO, and offer it to a gray (67.59% black) buffalo every Tuesday morning at 4.57 AM..
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are going to suffer further losses in the stock market this month. No matter which brokerage company you trust, you will end up being fucked by the bears. But you will not lose all your property; your house may be mortgaged but your call will be with you, after all who will buy that ugly automated cart? But Ganesha is all merciful and he may save you from going through such excruciating horror. Just be merciful to mice, his carrier, this month and feed them almond muffins each day and night. Cheers!
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
As compared to other signs, you are going to have a less horrifying September. In fact you would attract attention of lots of people because of your loving nature, especially if you start hugging and kissing the trees in your neighborhood. You would be on television! Your ex will feel guilty why he/she dumped you and you would feel satisfied at having proven your worth. Trees contain the key to your success and happiness this month. Go climb a tree!
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
People running and owning some kind of businesses need to be careful this month. Bankruptcy could be on its way. And getting bankrupt at a time when the whole world thinks that the economy is on the road to recovery is not a cool thing. Sell off your business and take up a job. The barber in the market is looking for an apprentice, grab the opportunity! Your lucky day, when you could sell off your business and join the barber, is Thursday and your lucky number for September is 3848702865. All the best!
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
Missing a friend? You would bump into him/her after so many years this month. You would invite him/her for a dinner and overnight stay at your home and relive all the beautiful moments of your life that you had in college. You would never miss him/her again as your wallet with credit cards and 5000 rupees in cash will go missing the next day. For those who are yet to get into college, you will never get into one. Wear fur when going to PETA offices.
Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Ooh la la, Most of you would celebrate your birthdays next month! Lucky people I must say. Come to think of it, more than 90% of the world population might not be celebrating their birthdays next month! Doesn’t that make you feel special? Apart from this, nothing would happen that could make you feel special, so you better feel that way. Your sense of humor will really take a dip and you would even laugh at this horoscope prediction. Wear jeans underwear while taking bath in showers.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Another set of lucky people apart from some Virgos. Happy Birthday in advance! You guys are generally confused but this month might clear up some of those confusions as you’d realize without doubt that your deodorant doesn’t get rid of your body odor at all. No, don’t change your deodorant brand, but please take bath more regularly. Men should wear pink when going to discotheques and women should wear burqa. People would not get to notice your body odor this way. Your lucky animal is skunk.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Your friends will see your facebook profile photo in the ‘hottie of the day’ application. You can’t help it as you are too technically challenged to change the settings to stop that from happening. So let it be and be prepared to receive some winks and naughty messages, including those sent by friends of the same sex and those who are double/half your age. To protect your facebook profile from further misuse, change your login password to ‘fakingnewsrocks’ and update your status message confirming the same.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This zodiac sign name sounds so funny, as if these people do nothing but masturbate. And interestingly, it seems that’s all you guys would be doing this September as many of you are going to lose your jobs and spouses. Those who are not yet married or employed could be expelled from their colleges for ragging a junior. You could be chased and hit by a bull while returning home after watching a late night movie. Despite that, wear bright and baggy red clothes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You will win a luxury soap in a one-legged racing contest in your nearest multiplex, but not before you would injure your nose by falling flat on your face. Rest of the month, you would have pressing desire to pick or blow your nose but you would not be able to do that. I know life would be tough, but maybe you could be helped by hourly recital of this mantra – nasa prasa dhyuum dhim phit chit koo loo. Say it 111 times and slap your left buttock each time you finish saying it once.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
Time is ripe to start something new, but you won’t have any success in it for September. But it’s still better to start something new as you are destined to fail in the stuff you are already indulged in. You might always have this creepy feeling that someone has been checking your sms inbox and Gmail spam box. Just ignore such feelings and concentrate on starting something new. To get some peace of mind, you can try washing a marble stone with Yamuna water of Delhi till it gets brown or black in color. Throw it away into the Yamuna River from the Nizammudin overbridge once it changes the color.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
After reading the fortunes of others, you still want to know yours? Don’t you already feel insignificant and useless, lying at the last position in the hierarchy of horoscope signs? Yes, you are a destined loser, always coming last in race and first in bed. You might continue to forward those stupid emails but you won’t get an iota of Bill Gate’s fortune. You need to get a life. Wake up at 3.00 AM each Friday, take a butter toast, wear a green shirt and walk out of your home. You must wink at the first thirteen beggars that you come across before feeding the fourteenth beggar the toast. Bring back the butter and apply on your forehead before going on work.