Faking News

Mumbai Govindas set to hide eyesores of Delhi during CWG

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:09:33 +0000

New Delhi. After having failed to procure or produce the proposed aesthetic curtains to hide unfinished construction works behind them, Delhi government has decided to hire Govinda mandals of Mumbai to conceal such spots from the views of visitors during the Commonwealth Games next month. Such mandals would be required to create multi-storied human towers around potholes, muddy areas, unfinished construction sites, and other similar eyesores.

“The process of issuing tender for procuring curtains was taking a lot of time and it was not yet clear if the curtains would be bought by MCD, NDMC, DDA, PWD or any other department.” informed a government official explaining the delay in the original plan. “Last minute confusion occurred over the material of the curtains as many officials favored plastic curtains in the rainy season. Further rounds of meetings were scheduled to discuss the material.”

After realizing that there was just a month left for the games to begin and they were still in planning stage, the government officials panicked and dumped all the plans in favor of a new plan.

“Furthermore there was always a risk of curtain clothes or plastics being bought at a price much higher than the market price, and then the press could have claimed another scam.” the government official justified the decision of aborting the curtain-buying plan.

Government hopes to recreate such sights to cover the unpleasant sites

After an emergency meeting today, the government decided that they would instead employ the Govinda groups, which take part in the multi-crore prize competition of breaking dahi-handis on Janmashtmi in Mumbai, to cover the unfinished sites. The decision was taken after the officials saw television visuals showing Govindas forming human pyramids that completely covered the area between them.

“That area could well have been a pothole, an unfinished pillar, a muddy sidewalk, or a dump of garbage.” suggested the official.

“The Govindas also seem to be waterproof as we saw them forming the pyramid under rains today. In fact when rains are not there, people throw water at them and it doesn’t affect them at all.” said the official, hoping that Delhi rains would not spoil their latest plan for successfully organizing the games.

These groups or mandals were deemed helpful in not only covering an ugly area under a human pyramid but also in showcasing the cultural heritage of the country.

“We could ask the Govindas to whistle at women passersby to give them a local flavor.” was the response of the official when it was pointed out to him that hosting the games was more about showcasing the heritage of the city than the country.

With just over a month to go, terrorists pull out of CWG

Simon — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 11:55:10 +0000

New Delhi. The Commonwealth Games has nothing to fear from the terrorists, if a video released by a jihadist group is to be believed. Speaking through a handkerchief tied over his face, Abdul, the leader of self-proclaimed “next-big-thing” Islamist group Al-Makaroon, shrugged his shoulders and appeared to sigh to the camera.

“What can we do?” he said, shrugging Gallicly and almost dropping his AK-47, “we normally target infrastructure and aim for maximum disruption. We like to be famous and feared.”

As Delhi rushes to turn mosquito infested wastelands into mosquito infested wastelands capable of hosting a minor sporting event, opportunities for the group have dwindled.

“We could spend ages sorting out ingenious, foolproof plans to blow things up so that everyone would tremble when they heard our name”, said Abdul, “But what’s the point? Bomb a bridge and people will assume it just collapsed, bomb a games venue and people will think the organizers have cut corners, pocketed the money and the things have just fallen down.”

With misspelt spellings like these, terrorists are also scared of losing their way and attacking wrong targets.

The group cannot compete with the CWG for funds. “We have whatever we can scrape together to fund our attacks through elderly relatives and Sajad’s underwear business”, he continued, “the CWG has had billions to mess up the city with, how can we compete? It’d be like pissing against the tide.”

However, having abandoned attacks on the CWG, the group has been able to divert funds to other purposes such as enlisting tough, chiseled actors to appear in their video releases, setting up a gaudy website with an overbearing theme tune you can’t turn off and issuing each of the group’s six members an official membership ID cards.

Security analyst, Vijay Prasad, agrees that terror threat to the CWG is low: “Such is the press frenzy against the games, Delhi could quite easily come under nuclear attack and people would still blame the games organizers. I mean, a mushroom cloud looks very much like the dust cloud which arises when a large building, like a stadium, collapses.”

Games organizers have been quick to point out that this, in fact, was the plan all along. “The twin towers were big, shiny and finished”, said one of the organizers Arun Shah, “a nice shiny, target for Mr. Terrorist. The rustic state of our venues means they are less attractive to the terrorists, plus, we have planned a few extra security measures; three main venues are due to fall down during the games as decoys”, explains Shah, “and several dummy venues will not open at all” he added.

(picture courtesy: Sidhant Sibal)

Government now wants to read status updates of all on Facebook

Simon — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 07:12:41 +0000

New Delhi. After Research In Motion (RIM), the Canadian company behind the Blackberry smartphone, bowed to official pressure to provide access to all text messages on its network, the Indian Government is stepping up its online monitoring campaign. The social networking site Facebook is the latest target as the government aims for access to the status updates and messages of the citizens for security reasons.

“We will not be hiding in the shadows”, explained Government communications expert Rajiv Singh, “We are going to be open and friendly – we want to be friends with the whole country.” The Government of India (GOI) has recently registered on the site and has already befriended half a million public sector workers.

Although government is ready to like everyone, not everyone is liking the government on Facebook

A dedicated team is sending out thousands of friendship requests an hour using voter registers. International friends are also being sought with Viswanathan Anand being the first one. A request sent to Barak Obama has not yet yielded a response whilst a friend request and message from David Cameron talking about how “we’re all friends now” is being diplomatically ignored.

The GOI profile lists the Government’s gender as “91% male, 9% female”, political views as “it’s complicated” and interests as “revenues, arguing, expenses and nepotism”. The Government “likes” block voting, nuclear power and the recent floods in Pakistan and it is “attending” the UN next week.

“The point is to get closer to the citizens”, says Singh, “and also to monitor the site for terrorism, illegal activities and for people bad mouthing the Commonwealth Games”.

“I thought it was a joke”, said Pooja, who became friends with the Government yesterday, “but within ten minutes they commented on all my pictures”. She clicks on a party shot under which the Government had commented, “LOL, wow looks wild! But should a young girl like you be drinking? Does your father know? And that brand of whiskey is not legally on sale in Delhi. Please declare it to the nearest police station and pay the necessary import tax”.

De-friending, the process of shedding unwanted friends, has proved difficult for some. “I de-friended the Government last night after they wrote – Crazee! But it looks like you’re speeding, be more careful, the traffic police have your number – under a shot of me on my bike”, said Gaurav, “Then these guys in suits and sunglasses arrived at 3AM; they started talking about “treason” and asking me why I was “against the government” and what my real name was”.

Facebook will also play a role in the next national elections, electoral officials claim. “The next election will be decided on the back of how many friends each candidate has and how many people “like” their manifestos”, explained Anand Chaudry, an election official. It was pointed out that only a tiny percentage of Indians own a computer, but Chaudry dismissed that point, stating that “it doesn’t matter, everyone will be friends with the Government of India by then as 3G would connect whole of India through internet.”

PCB mulls over legalizing match fixing, to offer it as service

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:29:18 +0000

Lahore, Pakistan. After realizing that its players just can’t stop themselves from fixing matches, Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) has decided to accept the reality and turn it into a business model. From now onward, all matches involving Pakistan would be fixed by PCB under a scheme named “Cricket as a Service” or CaaS or Cricket-On-Demand, loosely modeled on SaaS (Software as a service).

“We have tried everything from emotional appeals to legal actions hoping to fight match-fixing, but there doesn’t seem to be any success. Clearly, we were doing something wrong.” said PCB Chairman Ijaz Butt after an emergency round of meeting with his relatives, who incidentally are also important members of the board.

Now even you can phone in PCB and get him overstepping any time you want

“It’s ancient wisdom that if you can’t fight them, join them.” said Butt, justifying his decision to officially get into match-fixing. “Furthermore, there was always a risk that BCCI or ICC could legalize it before we do it.” he added, arguing that the step could bring in the much needed cash for the cash strapped board.

As part of CaaS, an individual or organization would now have the option of dialing in an official representative of PCB for services like No-Ball-On-Demand, Wide-Ball-On-Demand, Wicket-On-Demand, Ball-Tampering-On-Demand, Injury-On-Demand, etc. An online bidding system would be in place and the service would be offered to the party offering largest amount for a particular event.

“A wealthy fan, a rival cricket board, or any other interested party can avail of these services.” Butt informed, adding, “Such services would be cheaper than fixing the whole match as an interested party can try out with fixing a few balls or events to see how the match progresses.”

“It thus retains the glorious uncertainties of the game as you never know who would fix the next ball.” he pointed out.

“Anyone can participate; say a wealthy Sehwag fan can buy a No-Ball-On-Demand to deny a Sri Lankan batsman a century even though he might not have any interest in fixing the whole match.” Butt further elaborated upon the benefits of CaaS and how it could make cricket matches even more interesting.

The PCB Chairman claimed that there was nothing illegal in such an arrangement and it was as innovative as IPL with a much higher earning potential, although he agreed that things would get complicated if and when other boards also starts offering Cricket-On-Demand, just as there is confusion over which player represents which team in Champions League T20.

“We could have a situation where we have sold a No-Ball-On-Demand and the rival board had sold Wicket-On-Demand on the same ball. A middle way is that the batsman gets run-out, but I guess a clearing house for such conflicting demands will have to be set up by the ICC in future.” Butt said.

Cricket lovers in Pakistan, who are hell irritated with recurring charges of match-fixing, had mixed reactions over the announcement, but many of them welcomed the decision.

“I am happy. After giving the world first computer virus, it’s so nice that we are back to our innovative ways.” said Basit Alvi, a cricket lover and SaaS provider, who also offered to set up an online bidding platform for PCB to offer CaaS.

(based on inputs by special correspondent Vinod Patil)

Arindam Chaudhuri gets clean bowled by Sachin Tendulkar

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 10:21:54 +0000

When master blaster Sachin Tendulkar met the honorary dean of IIPM Arindam Chaudhuri, the management guru couldn’t stop himself from giving some gyaan and guru mantra to the legendary cricketer.

Sachin Tendulkar clean bowls Arindam Chaudhuri

Happily married frog couple to be divorced for Commonwealth Games

fakereader — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 09:58:24 +0000

New Delhi. After realizing that heavy rains had hampered preparations and construction works for the Commonwealth Games, Delhi government has decided to schedule a divorce of a Mendhak and a Mendhaki (a heterosexual frog couple) who were apparently happily married till now. Traditionally, frog marriages are supposed to bring rains, and hence the government is hopeful that a frog divorce would take away the heavy showers.

“Delhi got these heavy rains because people around the country have been busy marrying these random frogs for good rains, showing scant respect for the national pride known as the Commonwealth Games. Since we can’t punish people for marrying off frogs, we have decided to get the frogs divorced to neutralize the effect.” Shiela Dixit, Chief Minister of Delhi said, hoping that Indra, the Hindu god of rain, may get the signal and stop sending rains to NCR.

The frog couple were married not too long ago, and could now be forced to divorce each other

Sources suggest that earlier the Government had also mulled over the option of purposefully offending and upsetting Indra though acts such as getting Anu Malik sing “dekho baarish ho rahi hai, it’s raining, it’s raining” in a temple or painting Sharad Pawar as Indra, but chose to stay away from such measures lest BJP accused Congress of being anti-Hindu and link it to the ongoing controversy over the term ‘saffron terror’. The ritual of divorce was deemed to be safe and non-controversial.

However, things might not be that smooth. The first person to object to this divorce has not been Maneka Gandhi or someone from PETA, but Rajya Sabha MP Mani Shankar Aiyar, who argued that happiness of frogs was more important than timely and successful organization of the games. Some common people too have expressed unhappiness over this development.

“What next?” asked Ranjeet Singh, a pervert, “fully clothed women plowing fields? I love our traditions and we should stick to them.”

But the CWG Organizing Committee has rejected such criticisms as Sonia Gandhi had yet not spoken against the frog divorce.

“We should unite and do whatever is in our hands to make these games a success.” Suresh Kalmadi, the Chairman of the Organizing Committee, expressed his views in a press conference between the questions on corruption and financial irregularities in the committee.

When contacted, the couple (Mendhak and Mendhaki) said a number of things to this reporter, which included sounds of turr… turr… and parading a big long row of their children; perhaps trying to convey that divorce may prove hazardous for their family. But they might have to go through the procedures because many leading lawyers of the country have already started preparing the papers and determining the divorce alimony Mendhaki is eligible for.

“The divorce of Tiger Woods could act as the reference point.” said Ram Jhoothmalani, a key barrister voluntarily heading this divorce case.

Delhi to have its own Beijing-style 100km traffic jams by 2015

Simon — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 06:45:55 +0000

New Delhi. India still has a long way to go to catch China, according to a report by the Ministry of Transport. According to The World Class City: The Road to Gridlock, Delhi has experienced a recent upsurge of traffic chaos caused by the heavy monsoon rains, which have flooded roads, causing huge tail backs and cutting off large parts of the city. All excellent progress, but nowhere near the levels of congestion enjoyed in the People’s Republic.

“Traffic jams are an excellent indicator of development”, said Rakesh Sharma, a researcher on the report, “dusty Africa cities are relatively unclogged but world class cities like Paris, London and Los Angeles are frequently gridlocked. China’s growing congestion is testament to its rapid development”.

The recent 100km traffic jam near Beijing, which Chinese officials are granting its own area code as it lasted for around two weeks, is hailed as a triumph by the report: “Decades ago China relied on bicycles, trains and public transport, but now thanks to increasing car ownership, it is enjoying world class traffic jams which get media recognition in the US and Europe”.

Many experts believe that New Delhi has the potential to break Beijing’s record for the longest traffic jam ever

The report calls on the Delhi Government to catch up with Beijing by further neglecting the bus system, cracking down on autos and cycle-rickshaws and generally ignoring potholes and drainage. “We are confident of achieving our own uniquely Indian 100km tailback by 2015”, said Sharma, “the Delhi Government has a lot of experience in bringing about such things”.

Strategically placed road-works are already playing a big role in jam creation, as are specially ordered traffic lights, designed to fail in the wet. “We are also using personnel lubrication methods”, explains Manoj Kumar, Head of Traffic Research at the Transport Department, “these have been particularly successful in increasing commuter times and stopping traffic flow”.

“Personnel lubrication” is a controversial technique (originating in Russia as an amusing game amongst policemen in Siberia) whereby traffic policemen tasked with directing traffic at intersections are required to gulp down five vodka shots before duty and a further five in a hipflask over the course of the following two hours.

The technique is said to be responsible for a jam in Omsk which lasted from April 1993 to August 2005, when the last stranded driver perished.

Indian corporate sector has also welcomed the report and has promised all possible support towards the endeavor. Tata Motors, which supplies low-floor green buses to DTC in Delhi, have promised to build more faulty buses that would randomly catch fire, thus creating chaos and bringing the traffic to halt.

“Furthermore, we have been accused by Greenpeace of being unkind to turtles, but to prove them wrong, we have decided that our buses will now run at the speed of a turtle but with none of the hard wearing qualities, which will also add to traffic jams.” a spokesperson of Tata Group informed.

But the common man in Delhi is hardly upbeat or worried over the prospects.

“They will miss the deadline again.” said Vivek, stuck in a traffic jam at Rajiv Chowk, still known as Connaught Place.

After “Rakhi Ka Insaaf”, Imagine TV plans “Rakhi Ka Ilaaj”

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 11:47:48 +0000

Mumbai. While everyone thought that item girl Rakhi Sawant would have another season of her marriage on Imagine TV, she has surprised everyone by announcing her new show called Rakhi Ka Insaaf on the same channel, where she would play a judge and announce verdicts in cases dealing with domestic violence, dowry abuse, marital infidelity, filial impiety, etc.

Even though the show is still to go on-air, Imagine TV, earlier NDTV Imagine, is so upbeat that it has announced its fourth reality show involving Rakhi Sawant – Rakhi Ka Ilaaj… Dil Se.

“No, sorry to disappoint you, even though the name suggests so, the show will not diagnose or treat Rakhi for any malady, physical or psychological. In fact, Rakhi would now play a doctor and treat patients suffering from acute diseases.” Imagine TV CEO Tony Bhalla informed in a press conference.

Rakhi says she has solution for everyone’s problems, legal or medical

Mr. Bhalla further informed that his channel had originally planned to get the show endorsed by IMA (Indian Medical Association), but the plans were thrown in a limbo after the ethics committee of MCI (Medical Council of India) issued a show-cause notice to IMA for endorsing random stuffs.

“We are not that concerned with this development, but we would prefer to get a medical organization on board to give the ‘reality’ angle to the show. We might partner with Prof. Arindam Chaudhuri, who is soon going to launch a medical institute that will dare to think beyond AIIMS.” revealed Mr. Bhalla.

But the central character of the show Rakhi Sawant is hardly concerned with these minor hiccups. She even rejected criticisms that she shouldn’t be dabbling in such affairs as she lacked professional training for the same.

“So what if I don’t have an MBBS degree? I am not going to prescribe any medicines to anyone. But whatever I will prescribe, I will prescribe dil se (through heart).” said Rakhi Sawant, who attended the press conference wearing a nurse’s dress.

Rakhi also claimed that her series of reality shows won’t end with this and she would keep on coming with innovative ideas for the betterment of the society. It should be noted that she had earlier played a dancer (Nach Baliye), a housemate (Big Boss), a victim (Mika Ki Pappi), a bride (Rakhi Ka Swayamvar), and a mother (Pati, Patni, aur Woh) on television, and is now ready to play a judge and a doctor.

“What next? Why doesn’t she play a temple or church in some goddamn show called Rakhi Ka Ghanta?” asked Jatin angrily, a Rakhi-ravaged television viewer.

Pervert shocked to know he had been feeling manboobs till now

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:06:21 +0000

New Delhi. Ranjeet Singh, a habitual eve-teaser and an utter pervert, got the shock of his life when he realized that he had been enjoying the fleshy feel of someone’s manboobs in a crowded Delhi bus. Ranjeet thought that a girl was standing behind him in the bus, a thought that led him instinctively to press his back on purpose against the body of the person standing behind him.

“Shit man, it was some fat guy!” 37-year-old Ranjeet lamented the catastrophe that struck him out of blue in the Blueline bus number 764, which was packed with people numbering at least thrice the maximum seating capacity of the bus.

A sight of crowded bus in Delhi used to fill Ranjeet with hope, until today

“It was crowded only when I had boarded it, but I could maneuver my way out and move away near two girls I saw standing inside the bus.” the pervert recounted his actions in the bus with a sense of achievement in his narrative, but revealed that he failed to continue his triumphant journey beyond this point.

“I don’t know when this fat guy came into the picture. I neither saw him boarding the bus nor saw the girls getting off.” wondered Ranjeet, who had placed himself strategically in the overcrowded bus by then to feel the girls, a knack he had developed in the last thirteen years of his ever growing debauchery.

For the next fifteen minutes, Ranjeet could feel some soft tissues pressing against his body, his purposefully leaning back to be precise, which aroused him, reminding him of his manhood and giving him back his confidence he had lost last night in bed with his wife.

“Traveling in crowded buses has always been reassuring to me.” Ranjeet bared his deepest secrets, as he poignantly recollected how blissfully he had kept smiling for those fifteen minutes of total depravity.

After fifteen minutes, an elated Ranjeet decided to turn back and embarrass his victims by looking into their eyes to add further degrees of depravity to his act, but he was crestfallen when his eyes met a smiling fat man standing behind him. The girls were at least a couple of bodies away from him.

“I felt as if someone had banged my head with a big hammer. Or my limbs were torn apart by someone. I don’t know.” said Ranjeet, whose smile and pleasure vanished within nanoseconds after discovering that he had been enjoying manboobs of that unidentified fat man for those fifteen minutes.

“In fact, it seems that for all those fifteen minutes, that gay bastard was enjoying me!” accused Ranjeet, who believes that homosexuals should be banished from the society for their pervert ways.

Ranjeet is planning to avoid bus number 764 for the next few days to avoid recalling his horror.

IIPM derecognizes UGC, starts Privy League of universities

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 11:53:27 +0000

New Delhi. A day after University Grants Commission (UGC) issued public notices in all leading newspapers of India clarifying that IIPM did not have the rights of conferring or granting degrees, IIPM has come up with full page advertisements in all kinds of papers declaring that UGC didn’t have the rights to award recognition to any university.

Deeply hurt by UGC’s uncharitable act, IIPM has further decided to rebel and form a private league of universities, which would be known as the Privy League, and would aim at becoming the Ivy League of India.

“Dare to think beyond the UGC!” declared Professor Arindam Chaudhuri , the Honorary Dean of IIPM, who is also well known as a noted economist, a maverick management guru, an eminent author, an authoritative speaker, a transformational leader, a film producer, an SRK employer, and a generous advertiser.

Addressing a press conference, Prof. Chaudhuri invited all other like-minded institutions to join his Privy League and give a befitting reply to the UGC. He also announced that he’d be taking over all the universities that are listed as ‘fake universities’ on the UGC’s website and convert them into local campuses of IIPM.

King of Bollywood Shah Rukh Khan is reportedly being roped in for promotions of Privy League

“I appeal to the management and owners of Lovely Professional University and Amity University to join me. It would be a dream start to our Privy League.” Prof. Chaudhuri solicited the support of other two leading advertising universities, but was immediately turned away by both of them.

But the owners of the universities listed as fake by UGC have welcomed the step by Pof. Chaudhuri and have expressed earnest desire to sell off their institutions at the earliest and fulfill their original dream of encashing their endeavors.

“Finally I will discover the diamond in me.” hoped Baba Bengali, the Founder-Dean-Director-Owner-Professor of the Indian Institute of Alternative Medicine, Kolkatta.

Market experts believe that given the kind of PR and advertising power Professor Arindam Chaudhuri enjoys, it would not be difficult for him to ensure the success of Privy League.

“If you notice, it’s just PR added to the name Ivy League.” pointed out a Public Relations expert on conditions of anonymity, further revealing that no news coverage by any media organization had taken place even though more than 36 hours had passed since UGC’s public notice appeared in the national newspapers.

Rahul Gandhi to throw shoes at CMs to show solidarity with the common man

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 12:46:12 +0000

New Delhi. Rahul Gandhi, the young and dynamic General Secretary of Congress, has decided to throw shoes at various Chief Ministers of India so that he could better understand the problems and grievances of the common man. Rahul has decided that he would make surprise visits and shock appearances at various functions and rallies of random Chief Ministers and fling shoes at them after spotting the best opportunity to do so.

“I can’t tell you who would be my first target! In fact I can’t tell you any details; it defeats the purpose.” said Rahul with a smile, when media-persons asked details of his latest plan of helping the common man by mixing with them in the most unassuming manner.

Rahul Gandhi is known to indulge periodically in activities that are usually associated perennially with the common man

Earlier, to understand the problems of the common man, Rahul Gandhi had stayed overnight at dalit homes all over India, traveled by Delhi Metro and Mumbai Local, visited families of protesting farmers in Uttar Pradesh, and is slated to visit Vedanta mining site in Orissa this Thursday.

The decision to throw shoes was taken after Chief Ministers of Haryana and Jammu & Kashmir had to face such activity in the last couple of weeks. Rahul was reportedly very moved with those images and decided to get to the sole of the problem.

Not surprisingly, the decision has snowballed into a major political controversy.

Main opposition party BJP has criticized the decision and has questioned Rahul Gandhi’s wisdom behind taking such a step. “What next? Will he join the Kashmiri protestors and throw stones at security forces?” a party leader asked.

The party suspects that Rahul would selectively target Chief Ministers of the opposition parties for his latest campaign, but warned the Congress leader against taking such a step.

“Each action has an equal and opposite reaction.” reminded BJP leader and Chief Minister of Gujarat Narendra Modi.

The possible reaction hinted by Modi was detailed out by Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati, who clarified that if the shoe hit her, she’d waste no time in throwing back her silver sandals at Rahul with maximum velocity and ferocity.

It should be noted that earlier incidents of shoe throwing at politicians in India and abroad had mostly resulted in missed targets, but experts believe that Rahul Gandhi can’t risk missing the target.

“His political opponents would cite it as an example of his failure and shortcoming.” pointed out a political analyst during a television debate to speculate various aspects of Rahul’s proposed shoe-throwing.

Mani Shankar Aiyar, who is usually unhappy with everything else around, was all praise for Rahul Gandhi’s decision during the debate, and suggested that Rahul should also try throwing shoes at Cabinet Ministers and people like Suresh Kalmadi.

“Or he could throw shoes at Chief Ministers of the North Eastern states; at least people and media would realize that they exist.” Mani added and argued that Rahul Gandhi’s shoes could unify the whole India.

Other Congress leaders too have welcomed Rahul Gandhi’s decision and have offered their own Chief Ministers as target if the opposition parties were unwilling to cooperate.

“I am going to meet Vilasrao Ji and ask him to invite Rahul Baba for throwing shoes at him.” said Ramesh Bagwe, Minister of State for Home in Maharashtra, who had earlier lifted Rahul Gandhi’s slippers (chappals) when he traveled by Mumbai local in February this year.

(based on vital inputs by special correspondent Chetan)

Faking News launches the real ‘Lafangey Parindey’ movie

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 17:19:49 +0000

Yash Raj films have produced a movie Lafangey Parindey starring Deepeka Padukone and Neil Nitin Mukesh, who are neither known as lafangey (rascals) nor parindey (birds), hence our team has decided to launch the original version of the movie with deserving stars in it.

After higher salaries, should our MPs get private escorts?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 08:10:31 +0000

So a higher salary could curb corruption among our leaders? Well, some people think it will at least give them a chance to be honest, even though most of the corrupt to the core guys have been stinking rich already. But fine, maybe it will curb corruption. Then why not also give our leaders some private escorts so that… this week’s Sunday Magazine makes a point.

Sunday Magazine of Faking News dated 22 August 2010

On a serious note, I’m not against higher salaries to a set of people who are supposed to be our leaders and representatives. They number just 543 out of a country of more than a billion. Which means each MP is literally someone, who is that proverbial ‘one in a million’ person, and hence deserves a salary that is commensurate with his or her ‘value’ and ‘worth’.

After all, in our country, there must be thousands of CEOs, VPs, Chairmen, and other people holding such fancy designations that attract astronomical salaries, and our society doesn’t really object to that. In fact, we marvel at them and aspire to be one of them. Then why begrudge some benefits to these one in millions guys? Why not give them that social and financial status and then aspire to be one of them? That way politics could also attract ‘good’ people, no?

The answer is ‘the value of one’s performance and worth of the outcome’ of that performance. Those fancy CEOs at least create some wealth for their organizations, and hence pocket away that kind of compensation for their efforts.

But what do our MPs do? Forget wealth in terms of cash, how many of our MPs could claim to have created even any ‘notional wealth’ in their constituencies, say in terms of general feeling of prosperity and contentment among the masses?

I wish we could have a formula (and it would not be a rocket science to develop one) to calculate the real and notional wealth an MP can create over a period of time. If they could create some in their constituencies, I’d love to see the MPs take home a salary that is many times higher than what they have currently got after disrupting the parliament.

Earlier in March this year, in an interview to the website blogadda, I had favored legalization of corruption for the same reason when I wished to read this headline in papers – “Bribery to be regularized. MPs and bureaucrats can officially take 10% success fee from corporates”.

So respected Netaji, why just 50k, take home a salary of 50lakhs per month, seriously, but please, for doing some genuine work, not for being just a fucking MP.

Thousands come out to take part in Kalmadi pride parade

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 06:20:37 +0000

New Delhi. Thousands of people came out of their homes and the closet to join a pride parade at Jantar Mantar here today. “It’s not gay to be a Kalmadi” was the loud and clear message of the parade that was called by some community leaders after they were fed up with unending allegations of corruption in the Commonwealth Games organizing committee, headed by Suresh Kalmadi, a Kalmadi.

Some protestors in the pride parade had decorated themselves to drive home the point that Suresh Kalmadi too had decorated New Delhi in an equally aesthetic manner

“Media is building up an atmosphere where it appears that being a Kalmadi in itself is such a crime!” protested Mahesh Kalmadi, riding a modified bike crafted as a lion resembling Shera, the mascot for the 2010 Commonwealth Games.

“We Kalmadis are normal people. No different from any Raja, Raju, Reddy, Yadav, Pawar, Gandhi, Mehta, Parekh, Pathak, Modi, Singh, Soren, etc.” claimed another protestor wearing a colorful mask.

“Proud to be a Kalmadi!” screamed yet another protestor, even as various leaders termed the protest march as National Pride Parade, because not everyone who came out in support was necessarily a Kalmadi.

“I am not a Kalmadi, but I’ve come out to support these people as our constitution guarantees right to equality and freedom to practice one’s beliefs to everyone.” said Krishna Aiyar, a member of the pride parade, who argued that Suresh Kalmadi should not be shamed just because his beliefs regarding prices of goods like treadmills or toilet-papers were different from the rest of the society.

Protestors complained that the society was getting increasingly prejudiced and cold towards Kalmadis due to the sustained and vicious campaign against Suresh Kalmadi by the Indian media.

“Even children have started thinking ill of Kalmadis, and this is very dangerous for the unity of our society.” complained a protestor Subrat from Chandigarh, who informed that some young students in a local government school back in his city had duped their school of various sporting equipments by playing a hitherto unknown game called ‘kalmadi-kalmadi’.

“Those guys had approached the school Principal with an application saying they needed some equipments from the storeroom to play ‘kabaddi-kabaddi’. Principal agreed because he thought at best it was a chalk or a rope they needed, but later found out to his horror that three sets of cricket gear, thirteen hockey sticks and nine tennis racquets were missing from the storeroom the next day.” Subrat recounted the story.

“When the Principal re-checked their application, he discovered that the guys had tampered the original document by stealthily replacing the phrase ‘kabaddi-kabaddi’ with ‘kalmadi-kalmadi’.” revealed Subrat.

“And guess what, Principal thinks he can’t do anything now! This is the kind of prejudice and misinformation media has spread.” protested Subrat, calling for people from every part of the country to take part in the Kalmadi pride parade.

Khap Panchayat orders its own “Natha” to commit suicide

Freeriding Sid — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 06:17:40 +0000

Haryana. In yet another incidence involving Khap Panchayat’s tyranny, the panchayat of village Peemproli has ordered one villager Natha Khandelwal to commit suicide to help the village get the necessary publicity. A small village in Haryana, Peemproli is mostly inhabited by Brahmins and has not seen any development since independence. Inspired by the movie “Peepli Live”, the panchayat ordered that Natha should kill himself as it would bring the much needed media and political attention to the village.

“We have never been part of any news ever. Our sons are so lame, they are never able to woo any girls, let alone one of a different gotra or caste so that we could honor kill them. None of us are strong enough to become Olympic wrestlers, which is the only sport played in the area. Since we are predominantly a Brahmin village, we cannot protest for any reservations and hence no political party ever visits us. The goddamn government doesn’t even acquire our lands so that we can go out and demand higher compensation.” rued Govind Gaur, a villager.

“Even our kids are so stay-put that they never fall in any borewell.” he added, arguing that suicide by Natha was the only way for their village to get in news.

And the Panchayat was not wrong. Hordes of journalists, especially from television news channels, had already arrived in the village as soon as the Khap Panchayat faxed them their decision.

In fact, Faking News was the last one to reach Peemproli.

Natha from Peemproli neither has a family nor any goats, but has some land in his name that would go to village panchayat once he dies.

But our reporter Freeriding Sid could find Natha, who had been absconding ever since the Panchayat announced its decision, causing all the media persons and villagers to follow us. After a lot of coaxing for an interview, Natha pointed fingers at a NGO worker Medhia Chipakkar in the crowd, and blamed her for the whole situation. Natha claimed that Medhia, who acted as a consultant to the village panchayat, had advised them earlier of creating some national level news.

“I don’t want to die. Help me!” pleaded a sobbing Natha.

Even as dozens of television cameras from different news channels zoomed into to capture the finest and ‘exclusive’ details of Natha’s rolling tears and wrinkles around his eyes that made him look like a 50-year-old tau even though he was just a 21-year-old chhora, Medhia Chipakkar felt a little sad for the poor soul and instantly came up with alternate ideas for the village.

“Okay, listen folks. Natha is from a sub-caste that is considered to be lower among the Brahmins. You guys can flash this news as a shocking example of atrocities by upper castes goons on lower caste guys.” Medhia postulated to the journalists camping in the village.

But it seems Natha would have to die as journalists rejected Medhia’s suggestion, because the new twist to the story would unsettle their plans of presenting and ‘breaking’ the news.

“Our editorial teams back in Delhi have already zeroed up upon scenes from the movie that we would be playing whole day long, and they have also interviewed Aamir Khan for his views on this issue.” said Sakar Sharma, a senior reporter from ABS News.

Japan decides to shut down its secret Rajini Robot project

Guest Patrakar — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 10:50:33 +0000

Tokyo, Japan. The Government of Japan has finally woken up to reality and decided to shelve the two-decade long robo-project codenamed “Thalaiva 2.0” initiated to replicate Rajinikanth in the form of a robot. The project involved some of Japan’s top minds from their top tech companies and so far had cost the Japanese an amount ten times more than the round underground thingamajig built in Switzerland, pushing the Japanese economy into a decade long economic tailspin.

Admitting defeat, the head scientist Hidenseeki Icandonomuru said, “It would have been totally badass if we could pull off another Rajini saaar; I mean think about it! The possibilities are mindboggling in various spheres of life. For instance, in sports, the robo could have coached people to play volleyball like it in Baba or even imagine the revolution it could have caused in the art of cigaret… err… bubble gum popping.”

Even though Japan has conceded defeat, some companies in China claim that they can make Rajini robot once 'Endhiran' is released.

Hidenseeki changed his last word, apparently fearful of the possibility that he could be targeted by activists of the Japanese arm of the PMK.

Further expressing grief over the loss to the scientific community due to the abortion of this grand project, Hidenseeki said, “It would have been enlightening and more fun watching the Rajini robo go around fascinating trajectories than watching atoms go around in boring circles in our laboratories. However after various years of trying, it dawned upon us that Rajini saaar doesn’t operate within the laws of this world.”

“His way is a different way. And though our tech is cutting edge, it not as cutting edge as Rajini saaar.” he added, probably referring to the technology, which allows Rajinikanth to cut a bullet into two to simultaneously dispose of two goons.

But Hidenseeki Icandonomuru added with glee that while pursuing the project, the scientific community of Japan could watch all the movies of Rajinikanth for free and hoped that the exposure and experience would come handy to them for future projects.

“In fact, we are planning a Madame Tussauds like museum in Tokyo with robots of celebrities, especially Bollywood starts. We have figured out that we virtually have to do nothing but to give the listless machines some cosmetic appearance. Robots automatically start acting like them afterwards.” Hidenseeki informed.

The announcement by Japan comes at a time when Rajinikanth is ready with the release of a movie called Endhiran in Tamil and Robot in Hindi, where he plays a scientist as well as a robot.

“Thalaivar can play robot, but a robot can’t play thalaivar!” concluded Karthik, an excited Rajini fan.

(report by Geela, a fraud Tamil)

MPs want secretaries to eat at least one roti less than them

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 06:03:22 +0000

New Delhi. After demanding a salary that is one rupee more than that of a secretary, Indian MPs now want the same secretary to eat at least one roti or chapaati less than what our elected representatives have for lunch or dinner. MPs believe that such a step, in resonance with salary hike, would rationalize the consumption as well as the income of the MPs, which bodes well for the economy.

“Even a kutta (dog) of our wealthy people eats more rotis and chicken-pieces than us.” RJD President Lalu Yadav declared in Lok Sabha, outlining the serious difficulties through which our poor MPs were going vis a vis rich dogs, which attracted loud roaring support from fellow MPs.

“If we can’t guarantee the Right to Food to ourselves, how can we promise the same to the masses?” reasoned Mr. Yadav, making a direct reference to the UPA government’s promised National Food Security Act, widely believed to be a dream of UPA Chairperson Mrs. Sonia Gandhi.

Peanuts? : Lalu Yadav showing how little he gets to eat

Lalu Yadav was later joined by many other MPs cutting across party lines, who expressed outrage over the fact that they were not having decent diet. After hours of pandemonium, four rounds of adjournments and three random walkouts, the government decided to give in to the demands by the honorable members for a balanced diet.

“A joint parliamentary committee would look into the demands of our hungry MPs.” informed Parliamentary Affairs Minister Mr. Pawan Kumar Bansal.

According to sources, the committee is most likely to suggest limiting the diet of the secretaries to create parity, rather hierarchy, in the government echelons. In line with its earlier recommendation on salary hike for the MPs, the committee is expected to ask secretaries to eat at least one roti or chapaati less than the MPs. A feasible formula for the same is being worked out.

“This is also in line with the government’s policy of creating level playing fields and guaranteeing inclusive growth for everyone by pulling down quarters that are doing unusually well to merge them with the average.” said an MP, who would be a member of the committee.

Outside parliament, most of the politicians agreed with demands by MPs with a senior leader like BJP President Nitin Gadkari expressing regret on having compared Lalu Yadav with dogs earlier.

“I stand corrected in wake of new revelations.” a somber Gadkari told Faking News.

Meanwhile dogs have sighed a yelp of relief on hearing the news, as they feared their own diet to be controlled and lessened after Lalu Yadav criticized the luxuries enjoyed by them earlier in the parliament.

“Thank god, we thought after the farm animals, our fodder, err food, was at risk!” said Kuttanandan, a leader of Movement for Dog Rights (MDR).

Astrologers hail Randiv for denying 13th century to Sehwag

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 08:52:31 +0000

New Delhi. While the rest of India went red in rage as Sri Lankan spinner Suraj Randiv deliberately bowled a no-ball and denied Indian batsman Virender Sehwag a well deserved century yesterday, Indian astrologers today welcomed the step, rather over-stepping by the bowler, as a much needed divine reprieve for Sehwag, who would otherwise have got into a sinister trap of number 13.

It should be noted that if Randiv had not bowled a no-ball, Sehwag could have completed his century number 13 in one-day international cricket matches.

“Sehwag’s kundli clearly shows that he has a permanent threat from number thirteen.” Daanti Maharaj of India TV said, citing the clinching proof that Sehwag had lost a tooth while playing cricket as he approached his thirteenth year in 1990.

Sehwag should be celebrating his missed century, astrologers say

Daanti Maharaj also pointed out that recently Tiger Woods had got stuck at 13^th hole while playing golf, and argued that the number 13 was not good for sportspersons in general and Sehwag faced this danger all along.

“Now rahu and ketu drishti (vision) is not on official scorecard as they don’t follow modern rules of cricket, they might well count this as century no. 13 as they are good with ganana (counting) even though ICC says it’s not. This will make the grahas confused and their strategy against Sehwag will fail now.” said Daanti Maharaj, showing the brighter side of the unfortunate incident for the Indians.

Daanti Maharaj was joined by many other astrologers from other television channels too, who supported his assertion and hailed the cosmic confusion over century no. 13.

“There are many shopping centers that don’t have a shop no. 13 to escape the wrath of ill-luck. Sehwag has been lucky as he too won’t have a century no. 13 as a result of this no-ball.” said another astrologer, who doubles as a property agent outside the television studios.

The declaration by astrologers giving clean chit to Randiv came after the bowler apologized to Sehwag for having bowled that no-ball. Earlier he had tried to blame too much of cricket between India and Sri Lanka for his act, but now rued not having consulted the astrologers before apologizing.

“I feel like an ass now.” said Suraj Randiv, drawing nods from Virender Sehwag.

CWG tickets will only be sold in black says Organizing Committee

Manik Mahna — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 05:35:55 +0000

New Delhi. Under pressure to recover costs and attract sponsorships, the Organizing Committee of the Commonwealth Games has decided to sell the event tickets in black to generate revenues many times higher than originally targeted. The decision was taken after the official merchandiser of the games pulled out a few days back, dousing all hopes of generating revenues from planned sales of stuffed Shera and Qutub Minar saucers.

“We were left with no other choice.” Suresh Kalmadi, the evergreen and everlasting chairman of the Organizing Committee said, justifying the decision.

The announcement has caused a flurry amongst the media and eminent personalities who feel their jobs are now in danger. Suhel Seth, Manish Tewary, Kirti Azad and Mani Shankar Aiyar were especially upset and feeling unwell as per trusted sources.

Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dixit also gave thumbs-up to the latest plan by the CWG Organizing Committee

“If these announcements of corruption are made in such an open manner by the organizing committee themselves, then what will we discuss, uncover and break?” said a senior media personality on condition of anonymity.

According to anonymous reporters, Arnab Goswami of Times Now had finalized thirty-nine questions and thirteen panelists for his prime-time show Newshour tonight to discuss this ‘institutionalizing of corruption’, while Sagarika Ghose of CNN-IBN had already tweeted seven tweets attracting vital and well-researched data for her own prime-time show.

Such acts have further emboldened Suresh Kalmadi, who argued, “Our only objective is to earn as much money as we can before this golden opportunity passes. People like Arnab Goswami and Sagarika Ghose have been earning money at our expense all along. This cannot be allowed. Unless we are given a percentage of the money earned by these news channels, we will keep on being honest about our dishonesty.”

It is not yet known what will happen to those tickets that have already been bought, but experts are of the view that these would be bought back at 100 times the original price to be distributed among the families of government officials to make them feel 100 times more special and valued.

In other news, Warren Anderson (Ex – CEO of Union Carbide) is now friends with Suresh Kalmadi on facebook. They have co created the group called Clean Getaways.

(the reporter tweets here)

Tensions run high as wife utters name of ex during love making

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 06:31:01 +0000

Noida. In a major relationship gaffe, Savita, 29, blurted out the name of her ex-boyfriend last night when she was in a passionate union with Rajan, 34, her husband for the last three years. This accidental but scandalous slip of tongue by the wife has reportedly put the relationship between the couple on the rocks even as the neighbors termed the situation as tense but under control.

“There appears something amiss. Usually Savita would stand in the balcony and wave good-byes in the morning when Rajan leaves for office. Nothing of that sort happened today.” observed Mrs. Gupta, one of the neighbors residing in the opposite apartment block of the same housing society.

According to well placed sources, the couple were having a good time in the bed and passions were soaring high when Savita, with closed eyes and clenched fists, moaned two fatal words – oh Sanju!

“Shit! My eyes opened with a flash and my hands fell dead on the bed as soon as I realized what I had done.” said a pensive and distressed Savita, further recalling, “I tried my best to save the situation by clasping my arms around Rajan and smiling at him, as if appreciating what he was doing, but clearly he was in no mood of appreciation of what I had done.”

Savita and Rajan have not been speaking to each other since the goof-up occurred last night

Showing admirable restraint, Rajan reportedly didn’t make a scene in the middle of the night and quietly slept off without any post-play. But tension was palpable in the air as the couple feigned sleep with their backs facing each other and eyes staring at the opposite walls of the bedroom.

“It was pretty much insulting and devastating.” said a glum Rajan, whose usual warmth in the office was felt absent by almost everyone except his boss, who gave him a sermon on office etiquettes when he found Rajan logged into his facebook account as soon as the working hours began.

“I think he was checking profiles of all the people named ‘Sanjay’ in his wife’s friends list when that fat man intruded.” said Rajan’s colleague and facebook expert Kaushik, who was staring at Rajan’s computer screen while the boss (fat man) gave a dressing down to Rajan.

Talking exclusively to Faking News, Rajan later conceded that he indeed was trying to find out details of the ‘Sanju’ his wife had remembered last night, in all probability ‘Sanjay’ being his real name.

“I don’t know what I’d do with that, but I’m just curious.” said a visibly confused and upset Rajan.

“Maybe furious too.” he added.

Meanwhile Savita too had been grappling with the crisis and looking for help from whatever quarters she could manage. She even called a ‘Love Guru’ on some local FM channel, who advised her to come clean and tell her husband about her past affairs.

“What a jerk!” Savita said as she reckoned Love Guru’s solution completely unhelpful, even though she accepted that Rajan had most probably guessed that she had a boyfriend nicknamed ‘Sanju’ and perhaps she would need to accept it sooner or later.

“But I don’t want to accept it. Did he tell me about his earlier relationships? I’m sure he must have had them too.” she said, exposing the delicate stage through which their relationship was going due to the last night’s gaffe.

Caught in this mess and inner turmoil, Savita was seriously considering following the suggestion given by her best friend from school Pavitra, who suggested her to accept having a relationship with their schoolmate Sanjukta, who had been out of touch with almost all others for years now.

“Tell him that you are lesbian, no, bisexual, and this ‘Sanju’ is not any man but a woman named Sanjukta. I guess a man’s ego can take it easier than having to confront another man in his woman’s life, even if it was her past.” argued Pavitra, who sounded convincing to Savita.

In spirit of equality, government to make poverty inclusive

TheMalluLampoon — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 04:50:07 +0000

New Delhi. The UPA government is considering a radical new approach to the problem of creating an inclusive society. After the disheartening and abysmal failure of all their development plans and the alarming rise in economical inequities in a rapidly developing nation, the government has come up with a novel innovative solution; reduce inequity by making poverty inclusive.

Although there is uncertainty regarding the circumstances under which such an extreme measure was adopted, reports indicate that the publication of the UN poverty index, which states that 8 Indian states are less developed than the whole of sub Saharan Africa put together, was one of the main catalysts.

Government was concerned that many parts of India were not as poor as other parts

A senior minister in the UPA was quoted as saying, “This is indeed a historic decision. However in order to implement it, it’s imperative that the UPA remains in power. Only the UPA has the requisite capabilities to ensure poverty is made inclusive!”

Another senior UPA minister added, “It is indeed a daunting task. We might have to make some drastic changes in the cabinet. Sharad Pawar should be made PM, as his deft handling of the Agriculture ministry has proved that he is indeed the best man to help India achieve inclusive poverty. We must also give greater power and responsibilities to gifted politicians like Mayawati, Mamta Banerjee and Raj Thackeray, who seem to be doing their bit already.”

Some of the other changes that will be implemented will be 100% reservation in all government/aided institutions (including IIT’s/IIM’s) and also 75% reservation in the private sector. Other changes include enlisting the help of Maoists to help dismantle out limited infrastructure and the outsourcing of our entire IT industry back to the West, where people are desperate for jobs. A few friendly wars with our neighbors too might be in the offing.

However the opposition parties have cried foul, saying they can do a much better job of making poverty inclusive than the present UPA government. The Naxals too are against the move as once all Indians become poor they will have no one to fight with! The business community was too shocked and we were unable to get their view on this matter.

However the government is confident that they can arrive at a consensus as this is an issue close to the heart of several politicians and industrialist alike.

India renames ‘Swine Flu’ as ‘American Flu’ to avenge superbug tag

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 04:50:51 +0000

New Delhi. After expressing strong reservations over the reported tracing of superbug bacteria to India and tagging the national capital’s name (New Delhi metallo beta lactamase or NDM-1) in the superbug’s name, India has decided to give it back to the western world by renaming ‘Swine Flu’ as the ‘American Flu’, even though the name NDM-1 was given by British scientists. But India has claimed that it was not an act of vengeance.

“Precisely! If we had to avenge ourselves, we’d have rather called Swine Flu as Queen’s Bacteria or the British Bug, but we are just setting a few facts right here and following the right nomenclature. We hope that scientists world over would also follow the right nomenclature and remove New Delhi’s name from the superbug’s name.” Ghulam Nabi Azad, union health minister of India said.

Swine Flu doesn’t spread by kissing, a government notification clarified

Justifying the government decision, Mr. Azad cited a CBI report submitted last year where swine i.e. pigs were given clean chit in the Swine Flu case.

In its report, Cell Biology and Immunology (CBI) department of AIIMS had noted that no confirmed case of transmittance of H1N1 virus from a pig to any human being had ever been registered. As per the earliest recorded cases of infections, Swine Flu was traced to the American continents among the human beings, especially in Mexico, and then spread to other parts of the world through human beings only.

“Not a single pig was diagnosed with flu ever or acted as a carrier of the H1N1 virus, which causes Swine Flu. In fact, many farmers were worried that their pigs might get ‘swine’ flu from human beings. The world owes an apology to the pigs.” CBI report had observed.

Incidentally, even at that time, some scientists had tried to trace Swine Flu to the Asian countries when reports such as those by CBI indicted Americans instead of pigs for the disease, which has now led many to believe that there always was a conspiracy to malign the Asian nations for health hazards.

“British scientists had even tried to trace the roots of Mad Cow Disease to India five years back.” Mr. Azad recalled, adding, “In light of these findings, our government has decided to set right this historical wrong and stop using the term Swine Flu for what clearly appears to be an American Flu.”

The Union Health Minister, however, refused to comment as to why the government had not acted on the CBI report till now even though it was submitted more than a year ago.

Not surprisingly, the decision of the government has been welcomed by even the opposition parties, with the communist parties terming it the best step taken in the history concerning Indo-US relations. RJD, SP, BSP and other caste-based parties have hailed the decision as it sets right a historical wrong like the caste-system, while parties like DMK and Shiv Sena have expressed comfort with a move that renames an existing entity.

Main opposition party BJP too has termed it as a patriotic step coming close on the eve of the Independence Day, though the party has demanded that the government also renamed Mad Cow Disease as it wrongly maligned and mocked a holy animal like cow.

Pigs have welcomed the decision too.

How caste based census data would change Indian markets

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 12:20:19 +0000

New Delhi. With Group of Ministers having given green signal for carrying out caste based census, the strategic management groups of various companies in India have started thinking over ways to use the caste data for profitable business initiatives. Industry leaders believe that while the census results might put renewed pressure on the private sector to implement reservations in jobs, there were positive aspects to it as well.

“We would come to know which part of India hosts which all castes in what proportions, and we can come up with caste-specific products and services.” said Vishal, strategic brand manager with Idea Cellular, who is planning to come up with caste-based recharge coupons such as Yadavji 500 or Rajput 300.

“Mobile companies had earlier launched 786 rupees recharge coupons in Muslim dominated areas during Ramzan, and it was well received. Unfortunately, we lacked data on castes till now.” informed Vishal.

Caste based data is all set to become a central feature in corporate meetings

FMCG companies too have started re-evaluating their sales and distribution strategy and are all set to incorporate the caste based data in their supply chain management.

“Apart from coming up with innovative ideas for direct selling to different caste groups, we would also have to factor in caste of a person while selecting dealers or whole-sellers in different areas.” a senior manager in a soap manufacturing company said.

But most active are the advertising agencies and entertainment professionals, who believe that the caste based data would open a new dimension to the way businesses were done in India till date.

“Till now, soap-operas were with cultural themes and settings; stories of saas-bahu from Punjabi, Gujarati, Rajasthani and these days even from UP-Bihari families. We knew the population strength and spread of these cultural groups and their purchasing power, and planned and advertised new serials accordingly. Now we’d have such data on thousands of castes. You can imagine the outcome.” said an executive producer with Colors TV.

Producers at Sony Entertainment Television also confirmed that they were planning to incorporate caste based data while selecting candidates for 6^th season of Indian Idol.

“It will help us get a very accurate estimate on quantum of SMS revenue earned when people send in SMS votes in support of each candidate. It would also help us plan better on ways of promotion of a candidate and the show in different areas of the country.” a producer of the show said.

The channel is planning to exhort people to vote for candidates of their respective castes to win the reality show, something people are accustomed to do during assembly and general elections.

Fair and lovely looking applicant completely screws up his job interview

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 09:27:57 +0000

Mumbai. Shahid Gorabankar, a 23-year-old unemployed MBA, proved to be a total disaster in his fourth job interview this year when he, filled inexplicably with over confidence and uber coolness, acted like a complete jerk in front of his prospective employers.

Shahid, whose first interview this year was for the post of an assistant sales manager, was being considered for the job of a salesperson this time.

“He was a complete asshole throughout the ten minutes we could endure him. Towards the end of the interview he even had the guts to ask when he could join us. We almost wanted to tell him to fuck off, but we politely said – never ever.” informed a max infuriated and frustrated HR manager, who was on the panel of interviewers and ruing it.

Shahid was max confident and full of attitude for his fourth job interview

According to reports, Shahid was looking very fair and lovely as he had been applying a fairness cream for men for the past few weeks. The cream had allegedly lightened his skin tone by six degrees on some unknown scale, but somehow failed to impart the much needed basic interview skills to the unemployed bloke.

“Yes, he was brimming with max fairness, and max foolishness was overflowing all around him as well. What kind of a job seeker asks his interviewer to take a seat and feel comfortable?” said another visibly irritated interviewer, who advocated blacklisting Shahid for all other future job openings with the company.

Post this debacle, Shahid Gorabankar was distraught and in a state of shock. At 5 feet 3 inches, Shahid was your typical Small, Fair and Lovely man, which according to a ‘trend story’ published in Bombay Times a few days back, was the new Tall, Dark and Handsome, the new definition of ‘desirable men’.

“Those television advertisements, backed by these trend stories in newspapers, had made me utterly confident that I was the man every girl and employer was looking for. I don’t know what went wrong.” lamented Shahid, as he encircled a job advertisement published in Bombay Times, asking for a night-watchman in a housing society.

Latest reports suggest that Shahid had angrily thrown away his tube of fairness cream in the dustbin.

Railways to delay trains indefinitely to fool waiting dacoits

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 08:15:08 +0000

Patna. Eastern Railways has decided to completely screw up the time table of all the trains passing through Bihar and Bengal to fool dacoits and Maoists waiting in ambush. The decision was taken after two train robberies happened in quick succession in Bihar where armed dacoits looted helpless railway passengers at gun point. Passengers have been advised not to incorporate any train journeys while planning their time-bound engagements.

“With assembly elections round the corner in both the states, we fear train robberies to go up as it could be one of the means of election funding.” a senior staff of Indian Railways told Faking News on conditions of anonymity, hinting at political connections of Maoists and robbers and possible patronage enjoyed by them.

A lot of people travel by Indian Railways daily, making them a lucrative target for the robbers

After various rounds of emergency meetings, which were finally held after three days of multi-directional memo submissions between several sub-departments of the Railways, the officials concluded that the only way to counter the waiting dacoits and Maoists was to avoid them.

“We thought that if we could frustrate them by keeping them waiting in abeyance, they might start looking for targets other than Railways. Same ways as opposition bowlers start targeting batsmen other than Rahul Dravid when he keeps them waiting by blocking their deliveries.” said the chief strategist of Railways, reflecting the somber and serious mood of the discussion and graveness of the problem.

As a result, all the trains, whether carrying commercial goods or human beings, would be running indefinitely late on routes running through Bihar and Bengal with immediate effect, and no one would be able to know or track their movement. Websites like trainenquiry.com and SMS services informing the current status of train movement would be suspended until after the elections in both the states are over.

While the decision is bound to cause a lot of inconvenience to the common man, many people have breathed a sigh of relief at the possibility of reaching their destination with themselves and their belongings in one piece.

But as always, the issue of fund raising for elections has been swept under the carpet.

Horrible looking co-passenger turns out to be distant relative

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 07:04:11 +0000

Indore. In a shocking revelation for 24-year-old Nirad Singh, the hideous looking middle-aged man traveling along with him in the same railway compartment turned out to be his distant relative, a finding that was chanced upon by Nirad once they started talking two hours after the journey began. Nirad was trying his best to deal with the difficult and embarrassing situation when reports last came in.

“Aha, so you are the nephew of P K Singh’s brother-in-law? I’m his elder cousin from his mother’s side.” said the man with three-day stubble and two publicly exposed decayed teeth, after successfully engaging Nirad in a conversation once he was done with his inquisitions with five others in the same compartment.

The man, later identified as Govardhan Singh, was found talking loudly on phone when Nirad had boarded the train at 12.30 PM earlier today. Later he prepared khaini by clapping and rubbing his palms, negotiated for five minutes to buy Buffin soap strips from an 11-year-old vendor, and even farted unassumingly, making a three-second long whistling sound even as he kept eye contact with others; all of which made Nirad feel disgusted to the core.

“Fucktard even offered me khaini, which infuriated me like anything, but I politely refused.” Nirad shared his frustrating and humiliating experience with Faking News on phone when he came out of the Coach No. B5 of Malwa Express at the next station to breathe in fresh air. Govardhan was sitting next to him with both his legs on the berth and a pair of dirty and smelly socks in his lap.

Amit was hoping to find some beautiful girl as his co-passenger when he had booked the train tickets

For the next couple of hours, Nirad repeatedly felt like bashing Govardhan’s head against the window and throwing him on the tracks under the running train as the man wearing a shirt with floral designs asked all kinds of questions to other passengers in the compartment, and hosted one of his friends from another coach for half an hour as they discussed something about plastic bottles that made no sense at all to anyone else.

“I thought he must have been one of those lower class uncouth folks from that part of the country, you know, but was shocked to find out that he shared some relatives with me!” said Nirad, who was devastated to discover this unexplored aspect of his lineage, and started averting eyes with others in the compartment once his association with Govardhan went public.

Nirad conceded that for a moment he even tried to rationalize the behavior of Govardhan after being exposed to the relationship with him, but found it very discomforting and impractical.

“I can accept the fact that we evolved from apes but can’t admit such chaps being in my family tree.” Nirad said, calling for a narrower and stricter definition of a family to be adopted by the society.

According to sources, Govardhan was ready with a plan to use Nirad’s slippers to go to the rather dirty bathroom in the railway coach for taking a dump, a possibility Nirad had not yet envisioned even as he mulled deeply over the worth of social relationships.

How the greatest battle in the history was lost and to whom

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:05:07 +0000

Well, King Leonidas of Sparta is believed to have died battling Xerxes some 2500 years ago, but could he have mustered enough courage to engage in this battle?

This is Madness, err, Democracy!

Brad Pitt claims Amitabh Bachchan as his long lost son

Dozens of television reporters spill into Arabian Sea scaring marine life

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 07:42:12 +0000

Mumbai. Fishes and crabs in Arabian Sea have complained of breathlessness and chaos as dozens of television reporters spilled into sea waters, allegedly to report the aftermath of the collision between two merchant ships MSC Chitra and Khalijia, which caused an oil spill off the Mumbai harbor. Already shocked by the sudden spill of oil and chemicals into their habitat, the marine animals were finding it tough to cope with the additional influx of reporters.

“We were swimming towards the shore to escape the spreading oil and debris when we saw many small boats coming in from the opposite direction. We thought they were fishermen, and we panicked. But they turned out to be television reporters, and we panicked even more.” said a panting marine fish.

Coming close on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill in the USA, many experts see it as a sign of India’s growing influence on the world economy

According to reports, many reporters had gathered around the Mumbai shore near Gateway of India early today, apparently to report the possible damage to the environment caused by the accident and ensuing oil spill. Things were fine until a couple of television reporters decided to board motor boats and sail near the accident site in the sea to get exclusive and explicit pictures for their respective channels.

“That was the turning point, as many more reporters of all kinds of known and unheard of television news channels followed suit. Soon they were screaming at top of their voices all around us as they provided live eyewitness account of the accident site. We were scared to come out on the surface to breathe.” a turtle complained.

Marine animals are also petrified at the possibility of all kinds of known and unheard of leaders now undertaking aerial surveys of the accident site in noisy helicopters, ostensibly to take stock of the situation.

When contacted, Maharashtra government acknowledged the threat but refused to divulge the exact steps that were being taken or could be taken to stop this spill, though they expressed confidence that the problem would be dealt with accordingly.

Sandwiched due to this double trouble, the marine animals are now hoping that the spills of both kinds don’t spread to larger areas and threaten their existence and tranquility.

“Or May Raj Thackeray blame the UP Biharis for this oil spill, so that this spill is directed back towards the city.” a crab hoped.

Where did Shashi Tharoor go wrong in handling allegations of corruption?

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 17:04:14 +0000

Last week, like many weeks before that, saw more news of alleged corruption in the organizing of the Commonwealth Games and demands for Suresh Kalmadi’s removal from the organizing committee. But Kalmadi clarified that he’d resign only if ‘his leaders’ wanted him to, and expressed confidence that he’d complete his full term, which has continued unabated for over 14 years now, and organize the games successfully.

Towards the end of the week, there were emotional appeals from humbled citizens and rational editorials from alert editors to support the Commonwealth Games, as the games were a matter of national pride. And it seems Mr. Kalmadi is here to stay.

That leads us to ask and analyze where ex-Minister of State for External Affairs Mr. Shashi Tharoor went wrong in handling the allegations of corruption in case of IPL bidding:

Sunday Magazine of Faking News dated 8 August 2010

Indian husbands forgive Ekta Kapoor after watching Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai

GenuineFaker — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 06:52:25 +0000

New Delhi. In a historic move, the aam aadmi of India has forgiven Ekta Kapoor for all her television serials, after watching the recent Bollywood release, Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai, produced by her Balaji Telefilms. “It was a difficult thing to do, but we Indians always forgive the people lost in mornings when they come back home in the evenings to face the latest episode of Bandini on Star One,” says moviegoer Vishal, echoing the sentiments of crores of married Indian males.

However, the wave of forgiveness is progressing slowly, as millions of saas-bahu-tormented husbands are finding it hard to believe that it indeed is the same Ekta Kapoor who has produced this iconic film based in 1970s Mumbai.

“But I didn’t feel even once that the story was being stretched out like a bubble gum,” exclaims accountant Rajat Dahiya, whose wife Anju forces him to watch two serials every night in the name of spending ‘quality family time’ together. “Well yes, there were near-death experiences, heavily bejeweled women and Bollywood item songs, just like the serials,” he concedes, “but in the movie, they were all appropriate for the storyline!”

The eyes of Ajay Devgan have received a lot of positive reviews again for their intensity

But a few were disappointed too. Anju says, “I thought if Ajay (Devgan) and Emraan (Hashmi) were a sasur-daamaad duo, the storyline would have been just fantastic!”

On the other hand those who did notice Ekta Kapoor’s hand were in for a pleasant surprise. “Having seen the Balaji Telefilms logo in the beginning, I had resigned myself to 3 hours of the usual torture of misunderstandings, treachery and family values,” recalls Subhash Sharma, businessman. “But when I didn’t see any scheming aunts or hapless newlywed brides even 10 minutes into the movie, my confidence grew. By the interval, I had completely forgotten that the movie had anything to do with Ekta Kapoor. Goes on to show that the cat can still go for Hajj after eating nine hundred mice.. err.. I mean producing nine thousand episodes.”

“Ekta’s pilgrimage began in 2007 with Shootout at Lokhandwala,” observes film critic Prakash Jha, “but everyone thought she accidentally got shut out of the editing room. She continued on and produced Sarkar Raj and also Love, Sex aur Dhokha. But it was only with her latest release that she showed the guts to produce a film without a ‘k’ in the title. And just for that, the Indian public is willing to forgive her the extra ‘a’ in Mumbai.”

Unfortunately, this phenomenon has given renewed hope to actor Dev Anand, who announced today that he will be applying for the forgiveness of Indian movie-goers through his forthcoming movie Jewel Thief in Mumbaai.