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Kapil Sibal blames Britishers for loot, Congress just followed the policy

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:40:10 +0000

New Delhi. Union Minister Kapil Sibal has blamed the British rulers of the pre-Independence era for the massive loot of country’s wealth, which has resulted in unequal distribution of resources among the citizens of India. However, Sibal didn’t categorically term this “loot” as any “crime” or “corruption” as the Supreme Court had not passed any explicit verdict condemning the loot, which has been going on ever since India got independence.

Sibal was reacting to the criticism by various commentators who claim that the governance in India has not changed much ever since the Britishers left. Many laws framed during the British era are still in place and so is the mindset of those who are in power.

Kapil Sibal blaming someone when the microphone started malfunctioning during the press conference

“Gore angrez chale gaye aur kaale angrez aa gaye” (black Englishmen have replaced the white Englishmen after Independence) was one of the comments left by a person called Anna Hazare, which had led to the criticism.

While the original commentator couldn’t dwell upon his theory, various other experts agreed that the basic system and idea of governance has remained the same as was put in place by the British rulers – which was aimed at welfare of the principals rather than welfare of the subjects.

“We are just following the policy that was set up by our predecessors,” Kapil Sibal defended the outlook of the governments after independence, most of which were formed by the Congress party.

When asked if the government didn’t find the policy set by the British rulers unjust, Sibal almost blamed the founding fathers of the nation.

“We retained much of the British system of governance, including a substantial part of the constitution,” Sibal pointed out.

“No, Jawaharlal Nehru can’t be blamed for that,” he clarified, giving clean chit to the first Prime Minister of India.

The Union Minister said that the government would stop following the British rulers’ policies only if the Supreme Court passed an order declaring those policies unfair and flawed. In absence of any such ruling, the government will continue to follow the old policies, which many term as “loot”.

“You may term it as loot, but this is just notional,” Mr. Sibal said with a heavy tone and heavier eye-brow, “There is zero loss as the wealth is not going outside India, definitely not to England. Our Queen is no longer in London, but in Delhi.”

“President Pratibha Patil! Not Sonia Gandhi,” Sibal clarified to a question put by Faking News reporter.

Couple caught together at midnight on campus, studying

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 10:11:02 +0000

Chennai. A boy and girl at IIT Madras campus were caught together near institute’s stadium at midnight yesterday. The couple was sitting in an isolated corner and engaged in studying when Ram Nawab, the institute’s night watchman spotted them. Shocked beyond belief, Ram Nawab immediately alerted the IIT administration, which has issued a show cause notice to the couple for indulging in weird practices on campus.

“They were doing absolutely nothing but studying together!” a visibly shocked Ram Nawab recalled the events of last night, “I have even made an MMS of the couple. You can see them exchanging books and notes while they sit next to each other, all by themselves in the dead of the night. Unbelievable!”

The identity of the couple has not been revealed by the administration

Ram Nawab refused to show the MMS to the Faking News reporter as he had been warned against any such misadventure by the hostel warden. IIT administration is making sure that no raunchy details of the unprecedented event go outside the campus.

“Students are the most valuable resources of any education institute. Such incidents are criminal wastage of institute’s resources,” Dean, Student Affairs, IIT Madras said, “Last time we had encountered such wastage of resources was when students were caught using test tubes as bails over wickets while playing cricket.”

The Dean’s office has asked the concerned students, the ones caught studying, to explain their conduct.

“They could have gone to the library to study, why did they choose a secluded corner near stadium?” Dushyant, an angry student at IIT Madras justified the administration’s decision.

“This incident could dampen the chances of IIT Madras sperm donors,” Veeryaputra, a Mechanical Engineering student at IIT Madras referred to the news of a couple desirous of having a sperm donor from some IIT.

However, the concerned students appeared unfazed after the incident. “We humanities students have so much to study, unlike the engineering students. So we have to resort to studying in the night. HS 101 (read as HS LOL) is a very difficult subject. We have to remember 1001 ways to say ‘hi, wassup’ by Immanuel Kant, followed by a treatise on the correct usage of the word ‘dude’,” they said.

The incident comes amid talks of IITs tweaking their admission process to favor girl students. Experts believe that such incidents could prove to be a major setback to such initiatives as the outside world could be forced to believe that IITs don’t need more girls.

(adapted version of this article published by Faking News Facebook page of IIT Madras)

Idiots of India sue The Hindu for mocking them in advertisement

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:26:51 +0000

New Delhi. Indian Idiot Society has decided to file a defamation case against Chennai based daily newspaper The Hindu for mocking their beliefs and way of life in an advertisement targeting the rival newspaper The Times of India. These idiots, who don’t want to know anything else that the pet name of Hrithik Roshan, claim that The Hindu ad demeans their dignity for no justifiable reason.

“What if we don’t know who succeeds Ratan Tata or the full form of UPA?” Murkhta Kapoor, the national president of IIS (Indian Idiot Society) argued with Faking News.

“We are differently intelligent,” Mr. Kapoor said, “and our intellect should be respected. We too are the citizens of this country.”

The concerned ad has been found to be offensive to the idiots

IIS claims that Indian idiots contribute vibrantly to the growth of nation’s GDP and their contribution can’t be ignored.

“There would have been no MTV Roadies or Bigg Boss without us,” Murkhta Kapoor claimed, “In fact, we are the biggest drivers of growth in the media and entertainment industry and we are also the biggest patrons of the industry.”

“If there was economic slowdown in this country, it was due to those who understand the meaning of CRR and credit policy, and not because of us idiots who think repo-rate is some cricket related term,” he said.

Many experts too agree that idiots shouldn’t be mocked at as they were an important part of the society, especially in the education sector.

“Without them, we would never know who are intelligent,” Arindam Chaudhuri, an educationist said, “Many institutes would run out of business if there were no idiots. We need to think beyond the usual definitions of intelligence and smartness.”

When asked whether they preferred The Times of India over The Hindu, idiots couldn’t understand the question as the concerned advertisement had the name of The Times of India beeped out.

Indian team to carry their own pitches for future foreign tours

Anshul Gupta — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:22:07 +0000

Mumbai. BCCI finally seems to have come up with a solution to counter the series of poor performances of Indian team during the overseas tours, especially in England, Australia and South Africa.

“There is nothing wrong with the Indian team, not even Duncan Fletcher,” Mr. N Srinivasan, President of the BCCI told Faking News, “The blame lies with foreign pitches that are not up to the standards of our players. Therefore, BCCI has passed a unilateral resolution with immediate effect under which Indian team will carry its own pitches for all future foreign tours.”

Mr. Srinivasan denied that the unilateral decision was taken as BCCI had monetary clout over the ICC. “You can’t link everything to monetary clout. When our team can carry their own batting kits, coach, fitness trainer, etc., why can’t it carry its own pitches?” BCCI President justified the move.

Such bee invasions on Indian pitches can give additional psychological advantage to India

Surprisingly, BCCI’s move has been supported by other foreign boards.

“It’s a fair deal; BCCI will pay us a hefty pitch-sustenance allowance. Additionally, they will also cover the cost of our curators and other ground staff. I think this should be a win-win situation to both parties,” James Sutherland, CEO of Cricket Australia said in an interview to Sydney Morning Herald.

Pakistan Cricket Board too has liked the idea and has decided to replicate it for their future home series in England. “We don’t exactly need home pitches on foreign tours, but the idea will help us when we play Australia in England next – it will be truly home series as Australia will be playing on Pakistani pitches.”

Indian team, currently losing test matches in Australia, has welcomed this announcement. Indian skipper MS Dhoni, who looked happy to miss the fourth test at Adelaide after losing the first three, welcomed the announcement.

“Well of course, it is a late but well taken decision. Many of the current team members are brand ambassadors of real estate companies that can help the board with construction of the pitches on foreign tours,” he said.

BCCI is yet to take a decision on whom to involve for carrying and installing pitches overseas, however they have started shortlisting pitches. Spin friendly tracks such as Eden Gardens and Feroz Shah Kotla are likely to be favored over relatively bouncier tracks such as Mohali.

Unconfirmed sources suggest that BCCI could ask some engineering students to work on a plan to study domestic pitches and make copies that could be carried overseas. Since China doesn’t play cricket yet, BCCI is banking upon students who copy rampantly in exams.

Mayawati’s missing shoes were thrown at Rahul Gandhi

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:10:29 +0000

Dehradun. The shoe thrown at Rahul Gandhi during a public rally here has been found to be belonging to Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Kumari Mayawati. The shoes were actually sandals, which had gone missing two years ago after they arrived in India in a special empty jet from London. Police has launched an inquiry into how the sandals landed into the hands of the shoe thrower Ramdin, who happens to be a local shopkeeper.

“The shoe thrower has been charged on two counts – violence and theft,” local police inspector Dhiren Dadwal informed, “We suspect that Ramdin is a thief who stole the sandals of Mayawatiji, which had caused a major administrative crisis in the state at that time.”

Mayawati showing the number of shoes Rahul Gandhi has now

Sources tell Faking News that Mayawati had suspended at least four IAS officers after the sandals went missing two years ago. A massive shoe-hunt was also launched but the Uttar Pradesh police couldn’t locate the sandals.

“Now we know that the sandals had been smuggled out of the state into neighboring Uttrakhand,” a suspended IAS officer concluded and blamed Ramdin for setback to his professional career.

Having attempted physical assault on Rahul Gandhi and stolen personal belongings of Mayawati, Ramdin has now become the most wanted criminal in the country. CBI, Delhi police, Uttar Pradesh police, and Uttrakhand police are all fighting for his custody.

Meanwhile politics has broken out over the incident with Congress accusing Mayawati of having amassed benaami sandals all over the country worth billions of rupees.

“This is a bigger scam than the 2G scam or the CWG scam and must be investigated,” Uttar Pradesh Congress chief Rita Bahuguna Joshi said. She also thanked Rahul Gandhi for forgiving Ramdin and demanded Bharat Ratna for the young leader.

But Mayawati is least amused. She has not only rubbished Congress’ charges, but went on to accuse Rahul Gandhi of having stolen her sandals.

“I don’t blame Ramdin, it’s the yuvraaj who has my sandals now, and he has possessed it illegally” Mayawati claimed, “He had even said, ‘ek aur phenko’ (give one more to me) when one shoe was thrown at him, which clearly shows that he wants to take away my things.”

Musharraf to declare himself a terrorist for safe return to Pakistan

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:55:33 +0000

Islamabad, Pakistan. After the risk of getting arrested as soon as he lands in Pakistan, former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has decided to declare himself a terrorist so that he was granted safe haven in Pakistan. Earlier, Pakistani interior minister had declared that Musharraf would be arrested as soon as he landed in Pakistan, after which the former military ruler was forced to delay his plans of returning to Pakistan.

“Mushie is thinking of having an image makeover before making his next attempt to come back, so that he is assured of a minimum security and guarantee of life in Pakistan,” Ashfaq, close aide of Pervez Musharraf told Faking News.

Musharraf could soon address a press conference to underline his terrorist tendencies

After some basic research and analysis (not to be confused with RAW, the Indian intelligence agency – Ashfaq clarified), Musharraf’s party men concluded that Musharraf could be safe and sound in Pakistan if he declared himself a terrorist – a mujahid out there to destroy India, US, Israel, Denmark, Salman Rushdie, and women posing nude.

“Tag of an ISI or Army supported mujahid would have helped even more, but the current equations between the Army, ISI and the politicians might make that difficult,” Ashfaq rued.

It should be noted that after being an Army Chief and President, Musharraf is currently a politician in exile, who is hopeful of returning to Pakistan and capture power through elections. However, he is struggling to find support among the masses and only Indian news channels appear to take him seriously.

“Given that he gets to visit India and talk to Indian journalists so frequently, he could have won a few seats in the upcoming Uttar Pradesh assembly elections in India, but that’s not our aim; we want to win elections in Pakistan,” Ashfaq said.

A decision to brand Musharraf a terrorist is believed to help the former general in the Pakistan general elections and pitch him ahead of former cricketer Imran Khan, who too is hopeful of winning elections and making Pakistan a superpower bigger than India.

As part of “Musharraf is the real mujahid” campaign, old memories of Kargil War will be reignited and Musharraf would take full responsibility of orchestrating the war. Photoshopped pictures of Musharraf with captured or killed Indian soldiers would be circulated on the internet to highlight the anti-India image of the former general, which could help him a lot in the elections.

“Musharraf is the most liked Pakistani politician on Facebook,” Ashfaq claimed.

When asked if being a terrorist and fighting elections were not contradictory in nature, Musharraf’s friends dismissed such concerns as “irrelevant”.

“Right now our aim is to bring him back safely,” Ashfaq said, “And who knows; imagine if Osama Bin Laden would have decided to come out of his Abbottabad mansion and fight elections. Let’s not rule out anything in politics just because it defeats logic.”

(originally written for and published in English daily DNA)

Subcontinent teams agree to play cricket as “East Indies”

Guest Patrakar — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 02:40:08 +0000

Mumbai. Keeping in mind the absurd performance by their respective teams, cricket officials from India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, and Bangladesh have decided upon having one team from the sub-continent going by the name “East Indies”. The team will consist of the best players from all the four nations, to give the Ausssies and the Proteas and the English a run for their money in the test-matches.

This path-breaking step was initiated by the Indian officials in the BCCI after they realized that the country’s population was way too less to produce 11 world beaters, sources tell Faking News.

After a lot of research it was also deduced that the main reason for Australia’s dominance has been the country’s large geographical area, which brings in players with varied abilities. Hence the four countries decided to unite to compete.

Teams could have played as Asia XI too; however they agreed to form East Indies with the subcontinent teams to keep out Afghanistan, who were thought to be not of any use in cricket.

The step is not bizarre as sovereign nations in the Caribbean islands have been playing cricket under the name West Indies. Game administrators from the four countries believe that East Indies will be able to recreate the magic that once West Indies wielded.

According to the agreement, Pakistan has offered a bunch of bowlers who can bowl real fast without guaranteeing their accuracy. Sri Lanka has offered utility players – fielders who can bat as well (and also bowl spin as everyone there can).

India said they are hoping to provide quality batsmen who will not let them down in home matches. India has also offered The God, but only if he was guaranteed a permanent place in the team till he scored his hundredth hundred.

Bangladesh on the other hand refused to make any promises they cannot keep.

The historic decision had to be made in view of the terrible performance and other reasons plaguing the four teams in recent times. India are being white-washed wherever they go, Sri Lanka have taken the mercurial tag from Pakistan with more troughs than crests (43 LOL!!!).

On being asked the Pakistanis said that they agreed to the idea of one team because they would at least have some home matches, where their cricketing heroes can take care of their averages. Bangladesh did not have to specify any reasons as the reporters took them for granted.

Meanwhile the reactions coming from all the fans of the concerned countries (except Bangladesh) have been encouraging for the officials to go ahead with this decision. There is slight resentment among the Bangladeshi fans related to the first clause in the agreement, which says that the team East Indies would consist of the “best” players among all the four countries.

People in Dhaka have been spotted with placards asking for 27% reservation in the team for the less privileged Bangladeshi players.

Whether or not this step will be successful remains to be seen, but it surely proves the foresightedness and decision making abilities of the people from the sub-continent who run this wonderful gentleman’s game of glorious uncertainties.

(reported by Sourabh Verma)

YouTube moves video clips of Indian innings into “tragedy” category

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:21:10 +0000

California, USA. YouTube, the video sharing website of Google, has announced a new category of videos – Tragedy. It has been launched in contrast to the existing “Comedy” category, where many users had been uploading video clips of the Indian innings in Australia.

The content team of YouTube, consisting mostly of American citizens, failed to see any humor in Indian batsmen getting out one after another. However, after seeing the scorecard, they concluded that the scenes were tragic in nature.

Such scenes elicited mixed reactions from most Indian fans, with some of them having started finding them funny even though there was no longer any element of surprise in it.

“We googled a bit about cricket and from whatever we could understand, Indian team was playing horribly in Australia,” Benjamin William, YouTube’s content services head told Faking News, “We tried to understand why the users were not uploading the clips in the ‘Sports’ section, and we concluded that perhaps the users thought that the game was too one-sided to be categorized so.”

Realizing that “Comedy” or “Sports” were not the suitable categories, the content team started discussions to find an appropriate category. Among the existing categories, “Travel & Events” appeared the closest where the clips from the Australian tour, and from the earlier England tour, could be uploaded. However, the user comments left on the clips suggested otherwise.

“There were no comments left by the users that appreciated the hosts or their hospitality, as is usually the case with travel videos,” William informed. He said that there were only comments like like “why the hell did I wake up early today”, “this still hurts”, and “I hadn’t felt so bad even when my dog pissed on my pizza”.

Having failed to find a fitting category, William and his team decided to introduce a new category named “Tragedy” and move all the video clips of the Indian innings from the Australian and English tours there. YouTube team believes that the category will remain relevant for the coming weeks.

“When cricket is not happening, people can upload video clips of parliament proceedings or movie clips,” an Indian member of the YouTube content team said, “Or people can upload their personal videos like their wedding or their college mark-sheets.”

Man jumbles television channels to miss morning telecast of Perth test

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:03:13 +0000

New Delhi. Ravi Kapoor, a 23-year-old cricket fan who has broken his resolve of not watching cricket 230 times since his school days, has jumbled up the television channels stored on his television set so that he misses the live telecast of Perth test tomorrow morning. Ravi had woken up early in the mornings to watch live telecast of the last two test matches, and was disappointed on every day.

“I know I’d habitually wake up again tomorrow morning and switch on the television to jump straight on to Star Cricket. It was painful, but this time I’m taking all the precautions that I can,” Ravi told Faking News, “I plan to jumble up all the television channels on my LG television so that I fail to see Star Cricket as the first thing in the morning.”

Producers of upcoming Bollywood movie Agneepath are already concerned that the continued poor performance of the Indian team in the ongoing Agneepath series could work against the movie

On the occasion of the earlier two test matches, Ravi was shocked all of a sudden by getting exposed to the live telecast of the match on the television. He’d usually wake up half an hour late due to winters and would find the team in trouble as soon as he opened the eyes.

“My fingers would automatically press the channel number for Star Cricket, and rest is history,” Ravi summarized the last two matches. This time, he wishes to get exposed to non-cricketing shocks like Jackie Shroff selling Sandhi Sudha on any random channel.

“I just wish I don’t get to see India TV discussing India’s performance at Perth as the first thing in the morning,” he expressed his deepest concerns, which also included Sachin getting out in his 90’s and Dhoni scoring quickfire 10 runs.

Asked why doesn’t he delete or block the sports channel altogether, Ravi said that he could take such extreme punitive steps if India loses the Perth test as well.

Many other cricket fans have taken similar steps to prepare themselves for the Perth test. Aakash, an internet addict, has added Cricinfo to the ‘blocked sites’ list to the firewall on his laptop, and has decided not to check Twitter or Facebook, where his friends could be live commenting the proceedings at Perth, till he has brushed his teeth.

“Everyone is doing something special for Perth,” a cricket expert said, “Except Duncan Fletcher.”

Infosys announces three-hour break for freshers to discuss CAT scores

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 10:59:16 +0000

Bangalore. Employees of software company Infosys who had joined the company last year straight out of their colleges, were pleasantly shocked to see a three-hour break given to them for discussing CAT scores and MBA admissions. The decision was taken after the HR employees noticed freshers, and other still-young employees, discussing the same today morning instead of paying attention to work. CAT scores were announced last midnight.

“All of them were coming up with numbers between 80 to 100. Initially I thought some cricket match was going on and they were discussing runs scored by Tendulkar, but soon I realized that they were discussing their CAT percentiles,” Hari Sadhu, HR manager in the Bangalore office told Faking News.

The mood at the office is not expected to change for the next couple of days, IT experts believe.

Taking cognizance of the fact that this was a waste of working hours, HR department thought of sending a memo asking the employees to desist from such unproductive acts. However they soon realized that this could turn the freshers into pagal guys.

“Many were already upset with poor percentiles, and those who had fared better were trying not to read any SMS jokes or email forwards, lest their smiles and laughter is misinterpreted as jeering and presumptuous by others,” Hari described the scenes he witnessed this morning.

After an emergency round of meeting, the HR department came up with the solution to provide the CAT stricken employees a three hour break where they could discuss their lives and careers. An internal communication was sent to all the employees to take a break and have a chit chat.

The three-hour break started at 3PM today after employees were asked to fill in details like CAT percentile, the number of CAT attempts, and employee ID to get into the CAT discussion room.

HR department denied that the data will be used during performance appraisal and those, who had fared horribly even after three attempts, would be marked “least concern” on the attrition meter.

“This is just a normal data collection process,” Hari Sadhu claimed, “We are trying to help our boys.”

“They will just need to come to the office on Saturday and compensate the company for the lost hours,” He offered the helping hand.

Rahul Gandhi to judge MasterChef Uttar Pradesh by eating food at contestants’ homes

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 11:41:40 +0000

Lucknow. Congress has come up with a master strategy for campaigning during the Uttar Pradesh assembly elections that is aimed at impressing both the rural as well as the urban voters of the state. The party has roped in television channel Star Plus to start an Uttar Pradesh edition of the cooking game show MasterChef, which will see party leader Rahul Gandhi as the star judge.

“There will be a little change in the format of the show,” Uday Shankar, a Star Plus representative told Faking News, “Instead of contestants coming to our studios, our judges will go to their homes and taste food there. They will even spend a night there if the contestants are from a particular community.”

“Contestants can cook in an environment that they are most comfortable with, and we believe this can bring out the best in them,” Uday justified the changed format of the show.

Rahul Gandhi has prior experience of eating food at homes, and that’s why the format of the show was changed to make sure that his taste buds were in the most active state.

While Star Plus denies that the show is aimed at promoting Congress, channel sources conceded that the idea was originally proposed to them by the party.

“We don’t want to get into political aspects of it; we liked the idea and we agreed to it, simple,” Uday claimed.

“It might help Rahul Gandhi, but then the earlier episodes of MasterChef could have helped Akshay Kumar too. But did anyone complain then?” he defended channel’s decision.

The new episodes will go live next week with Rahul Gandhi visiting a dalit contestant’s home in the first episode. He’d be spending a night there and will be accompanied by two other judges, identities of whom have not been disclosed yet.

In earlier editions of MasterChef, the other judges, apart from Akshay Kumar, were fulltime professional chefs. Sources claim that in the Uttar Pradesh edition, one of the “chefs” could be Digvijay Singh. Star Plus too didn’t rule out this possibility.

“Digvijay Singh is fond of cooking,” Uday Shankar claimed, “Brains, conspiracy theories, and allegations are some of the delicacies he cooks with aplomb. He can judge a cooking show. You shouldn’t be surprised.”

When contacted for comments, Digvijay Singh refused to deny or confirm his participation, but he made it clear that he didn’t like any food that was cooked by RSS hands. He refused to explain what he meant by “RSS hand”.

With assembly elections in the state less than a month away, the announcement has expectedly raised political temperatures. BJP has claimed that the third judge will be Manmohan Singh, who’d taste food and pronounce his judgment by just nodding or shaking his head.

“And guess what, even his silent preferences will be overturned by the chief judge Rahul Gandhi,” BJP alleged and demanded the resignation of Manmohan Singh.

BSP too has criticized the decision, which the party claims is a shameless advertisement of the Congress party and its yuvraaj.

“The Election Commission of India should cover all the television sets in the state so that people are not able to see the show and get fooled into voting for Congress,” BSP leader Satish Chandra Mishra demanded.

Faking News’ attempts to reach Rahul Gandhi for comments failed, but we will try to contact him again by taking part in the game show.

Election Commission bans “cool’” smiley as it wears Karunanidhi sunglasses

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 10:27:25 +0000

New Delhi. After ordering to cover Mayawati and Elephant statues in Uttar Pradesh as they could influence voters, Election Commission has ordered all websites and chat services to ban the “cool” smiley – a smiling human face wearing dark sunglasses – because it resembles a laughing Karunanidhi.

Election Commission fears that this could heavily influence innocent citizens of India into voting for DMK – Karunanidhi’s party that is in opposition in Tamil Nadu and a partner in the ruling UPA coalition at center.

It should be noted that the “cool” smiley appears when someone types “B-)” in a chat-box and hits “Enter”. The chatting services convert the three characters into a “cool” smiley, which has been identified as “Karunanidhiface” by the Election Commission of India.

Karunanidhi (left) and the cool smiley (right) appear very similar according to the Election Commission

“We have received formal complaints from various parties, especially from AIADMK and allies, that DMK had been enjoying this unfair advantage in the online domain where people would randomly draw this Karunanidhiface after cracking a joke during chatting,” Chief Election Commissioner SY Qureshi informed.

When asked how could have DMK lost the last year’s assembly elections if people were influenced so easily by what they see, Qureshi said that it could have been due to slow internet speed, which stopped the smileys from being rendered on computer screens for many people.

“Instead of seeing a Karunanidhiface, they were irritated to experience a slow internet connection, possibly running on the 2G technology, and were reminded of the 2G scam more than Karunanidhi’s laughing face with cool sunglasses,” Qureshi explained DMK’s loss.

The Chief Election Commissioner further said that with the 3G technology in place and broadband speed improving for many citiznes, it was imperative that a level playing field was created in the online domain.

“We even asked Kapil Sibal, the honorable telecom minister, and he agrees that such smileys, apart from any other objectionable things like RSS feeds and Twitter trends, should be banned,” Qureshi claimed.

He further claimed that all the online chatting service providers and websites have been asked to create a new “cool” smiley that didn’t look like Karunanidhi or any other bespectacled Indian politician, not even Gandhiji.

Qureshi refused to react to BSP’s demand of banning hand, lotus, and bicycles as they could influence voters too. However, he said that Election Commission was seriously considering banning the Sunny Deol starrer Gadar – Ek Prem Katha in Uttar Pradesh as it showed him uprooting a handpump – the election symbol of RLD led by Ajit Singh, now a union minister.

“The scene was deemed to be derogatory and insulting to Sri Singh’s party and could have influenced people into voting against the RLD-Congress combine,” Qureshi said.

Homeless people to have Mayawati shaped haircut to get cover

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 16:45:54 +0000

Lucknow. After Election Commission ordered all Mayawati statues to be covered, homeless and poor people in Uttar Pradesh have decided to get a haircut that would cause Mayawati figurine to appear on their heads. The move is aimed at getting some piece of cloth in this cold weather.

Ignored by the political parties as many of them are not enrolled on voter lists, these people finally hope to get some attention by the system and the society this way.

“It’s too cold these days and some extra clothing will help,” Kabir Das, a homeless destitute in Lucknow told Faking News, “We have never been promised anything by anybody and we move around begging for our survival. Last winter an NGO had distributed blankets but we sold them off in summer to buy food.”

Cricket fans have earlier got haircut shaped in various figures, but this is the first time people will get Mayawati shaped haircuts.

“The NGO didn’t come back this year as they were busy supporting Jan Lokpal movement, so this looks like a god sent opportunity,” Kabir said, welcoming the Election Commission’s decision.

This year, the number of homeless beggars has increased as many of them had come back to the state after the famous election speech by Rahul Gandhi, but they were disappointed to learn that they were not welcome.

“We don’t even have homes where Rahul Gandhi could have dinner,” Kabir rued, “Now we hope Election Commission will cover us for having Mayawati statues on our head.”

However, experts on poverty working in the Planning Commission have claimed that the poor have failed to adequately plan for themselves.

“From our data, we have found out that having a funky haircut like that will cost at least 32 rupees. If they can spend that much in a day, they are not poor!” Maathatek Aluwala, a part-time economist with the Planning Commission showed the loophole.

“Furthermore, they will get only that much of cloth that will help cover the hair on their head, which means not much bigger than a handkerchief; they shouldn’t be expecting cozy blankets,” Aluwala provided a reality check to the poor during the season of electoral promises.

BJP goes for massive rebranding, to call itself “Party OK”

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 09:26:22 +0000

New Delhi. After receiving a lot of criticism for inducting Babu Singh Kushwaha, accused of corruption in a multi-crore rural health scam in Uttar Pradesh, BJP has decided to rebrand and reposition itself to get back the lost support among critics and masses.

In a move that looks clearly inspired from the television entertainment channel Star One, which was re-launched as “Life OK” a few weeks back, BJP has decided to call itself “Party OK”. The new name will be launched on the eve of Uttar Pradesh elections.

“Our candidates will contest elections on the BJP symbol only, and even the ballot papers will mention our party’s name as ‘BJP’, but we’ll call ourselves ‘Party OK’ during all public meets,” BJP President Nitin Gadkari declared.

Sources inform that through this attempt, the party has made its positioning more real and practical from the earlier positioning of “party with a difference”.

Management consultants claim that the new logo will change the fortunes of the party

“That positioning raised false hopes among many supporters who thought the party will not indulge in petty politics for immediate electoral gains,” a party source said, “That’s why we are now calling ourselves ‘Party OK’, so that people know that we just about OK.”

“A party that is just good enough,” the source added.

It’s not yet clear how much money BJP is spending on this whole rebranding exercise, but sources inform that the party had hired leading brand professionals from the industry, who suggested that BJP started calling itself “Party OK”.

“They have also prepared a document on how to lead the fight against corruption,” a party source said, “The document uses some of the key strategies adopted by US in its war against terror, where it invaded many nations for world peace.”

Most of the party leaders and workers have welcomed the decision and have called it “timely”.

“It was much needed,” a party leader told Faking News on conditions of anonymity, “Look what happened to Team Anna. They positioned themselves as messiah against corruption and hence when minor irregularities like inflated travel bills of Kiran Bedi came to light, it hurt them.”

“Same with Sachin Tendulkar,” the party leader further explained, “The positioning as ‘god’ is hurting him. People think he has failed even if he scores a half century in each innings. We must learn from these.”

Party insiders say that the move will not only justify admission of leaders like Kushwaha, but it will also help the party in reinstating leaders like BS Yeddyurappa, the former Chief Minister of Karnataka who had to resign after a state Lokayukta report indicted him in mining scam.

“Yeddy had asked for a suitable post in BJP recently for his homecoming, he could be made in-charge of this rebranding process,” a party insider said.

(originally written for and published in English daily DNA)

China orders fake Steve Jobs owning fake Apple stores to die

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 08:50:03 +0000

Beijing. Chinese government has finally decided to act against companies producing faked and pirated goods after news reports suggested that Chinese manufactures were faking Indian brands and pasting “Made in India” labels on them.

To keep the level of “fakeness” as low as possible, Chinese authorities have decided to remove some glaring differences between the original and the faked products. As a first step towards this quality control, the authorities have asked Rho Kai Mio, the owner of fake Apple stores in China, to die.

Mr. Mio is a lookalike of Steve Jobs, who has been visiting the fake Apple stores to motivate employees even after the original Steve Jobs died last year.

A Chinese man shows the original Steve Jobs (left) and the faked Chinese Steve Jobs (right)

“Most the of the employees working in these stores believed that they worked for the original Apple company, and that’s fine as they are bringing money,” a Chinese official said, “But many of them were completely unaware of Steve Jobs’ death as Mio would regularly visit the stores to collect sales commission. We thought it was a little too much and didn’t suit Chinese standards.”

“Rho Mio must die,” the official declared.

It’s not yet clear how will Rho Kai Mio die. Many Chinese officials favor Mio being injected with pancreatic cancer infected blood cells to make the death a complete copy of the Steve Jobs death.

“Just as they can’t tell the difference between a Chinese iPhone and an Apple iPhone, they shouldn’t be able to tell the difference in this case,” ordered Yum Doot, a top Chinese official working on the project to control piracy in China.

However, the family members of Rho Kai Mio have asked the government to allow Mio to fake his own death as he has been faking the Apple products.

“Just like we don’t kill our brain cells to attain innovation, we shouldn’t kill our blood cells to attain death; we should simply fake it, the Chinese way,” Jul Yiet, wife of Rho Mio argued.

While the US government and Apple Inc. have not reacted to the Chinese order, sources suggest that India has welcomed the “experiment”.

“If successful, they can ask China to fake deaths of Afzal Gura and Ajmal Kasab, and settle the issue forever,” a source revealed.

Sibal to go back in time to convince Mayans they were wrong about 2012

Mouthful — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 10:49:49 +0000

New Delhi. The office of Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) of India, which had been in news last year because of their intricate calculations to reach at the number in crores that Raja had caused as loss to the national exchequer, announced a time odyssey today that shook the Indian media.

CAG has chosen Kapil Sibal to lead a five member team to travel back in time to convince Mayans that they were wrong in their calculations to predict an end of the world in 2012.

Kapil Sibal has been asked to reduce his weight by 17 kgs so as to not only be fit, but also to fit in the time-machine with other four travelers. The time-machine will leave on the next Monday.

These Mayans don’t know anything, Sibal claimed.

It was Sheetal Shrimati, a CAG employee, who in her free time worked out the calculations available from the 5000 years old Mayan calendar, and she noticed a loophole. She immediately informed her seniors (those who had worked in the A Raja’s case) and they realized that Sheetal was right.

Since Sibal had trashed their calculations last time, CAG decided to consult the union minister this time. To their surprise, Sibal not only agreed with their calculations, he volunteered to go back in time and set right this historical wrong.

Later speaking in a press meet, Sibal explained, “Mayans had exaggerated the number of years like CAG did with the 2G losses. The fools didn’t use the proper formulae. The equation they had formed had many complex numbers, and since such numbers were yet to be developed in their time, it is obvious they miscalculated the timing of doomsday.”

Sibal informed that according to CAG’s calculations, the world should have ended on the day A Raja was born. But since that didn’t happen, Mayans were wrong.

“I will go back in time and settle the issue forever,” Sibal claimed, “I will come back with a self-attested affidavit from the Mayan chief, declaring that their calculations were wrong.”

However, Ganit Prasad, a famous mathematician has refuted Sibal’s claim. According to Ganit, even CAG’s calculations are wrong. He says that as per Mayan calendar’s true reading, the world would end the day Lokpal Bill is passed. Mr. Prasad tore away a copy of Sibal’s press release in protest.

Meanwhile a controversy has broken out over the choice of fellow travelers in the time-machine, who would accompany Kapil Sibal. Government sources indicate that one of them will definitely be chosen by Mamata Banerjee; else Mamata di could stop the wheels of the time-machine.

The other thee time travelers could be Digvijay Singh, Rahul Gandhi, and a journalist in government’s good books.

According to reports, Digvijay Singh has favored taking the time-machine to near future for a test-drive before taking it to the era when Mayan civilization thrived. However, our sources confirm that the real motive behind this is to check whether Rahul Gandhi would become the Prime Minister of India.

Tendulkar fan stops taking bath to ensure 100th century

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 11:20:48 +0000

New Delhi. Prashant Gupta, a diehard fan of Sachin Tendulkar, has decided not to take bath so that the master blaster is able to score his 100^th international century. Prashant took this step after he realized that there was a certain positive correlation between his bathing and Sachin’s centuries.

“I perfectly remember that I had not taken bath for full five days when Sachin had scored his last test century, exactly a year ago,” Prashant claimed. Sachin had scored his last test century on 4^th January 2011 in South Africa, when it was freezing cold in the national capital region.

Prashant claims that he feels pure, as if he had taken bath, when Sachin pours water on... himself.

“I had not taken bath even on the New Year’s Eve last year and had continued without bathing on successive days,” Prashant recalled what he did last winter, “I took bath only after Sachin scored his century in Cape Town. I had thrown a party for my friends that night and I had to take bath.”

A final year engineering student in the National Institute of Technology, Prashant further claims that he had not taken bath even on those two days when Tendulkar scored two more ODI centuries in the ICC world cup after his last test century.

“Yes, yes, yes! Now I realize why the 100^th century is not happening. I broke the chain! I had taken bath during the Quarter Final match against Australia on 24^th March as Holi colors were not going away from my face. And look, though we won the match, Sachin was out after scoring only 53 runs!” Prashant provided the empirical data to back his claim.

Prashant refused to elaborate whether he won’t be taking bath at all or whether he would desist from bathing only on those days when Tendulkar would be batting. But he claimed that he could “sacrifice” anything, not just soap and water, to see Sachin score the 100^th century.

However, his friends claim that Prashant is generally a lazy and stinky fellow and he has just found an excuse for not taking bath.

“He doesn’t even wash his face after brushing his teeth in the morning because he finds the water too cold,” claimed his roommate, who didn’t wish to be identified.

IPL umpires to draw Bajaj RE60 in air to refer to third umpire

Chuck of all trades — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 06:19:30 +0000

Mumbai. Once again demonstrating its ability to constantly act outside the box, think ahead of the curve and latch onto trending issues, the Indian Premier League (IPL) has come out with its latest plan to annoy the crap out of viewers by having brands shoved down their throats innovation – the Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire.

What is it, you ask? Umpires, traditionally, when in need of TV replays for assistance in decision making, draw a box signal in the air. The Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire Signal consists of the umpire doing the same but while holding up special laser lights. Also, the ‘box’ will be a trapezium.

The end result? Following a contentious run-out or stumping, the umpire draws a box in the shape of the Bajaj RE60, which is visible for a few seconds with the laser. This is the first exclusive in-game branding deal for the 5th edition of the IPL, auctions for which go live next month.

An umpire (left) demonstrates the use of the Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire signal using laser-activated fingertips. Notice how the shape of the box closely resembles that of the Bajaj RE60 (right)

And of course, the commentator on air at the time will bellow “Oh, that’s close! It looks like it’s gonna be referred… Yes, it’s a Bajaj RE60 Third Umpire call here!” unless the commentator is Danny Morrision, in which case this will be bellowed: “Oh, that’s close! It’s gonna be Bajaj RE60-ed!”

“This is a Fashion & You fantastic moment for us. ICICI Prudential innovations like these are only going to Emami enhance the viewer’s experience _{get the best viewing experience on Tata Sky HD+} and draw him Canara Bank closer to the game we all love and Revital relish,” said a member of the IPL’s marketing team.

As for the viewers whose experience is supposed to be enhanced, there are echoes of groans across the country. “It’s not bad enough that something looking like a deformed shoebox had to be launched, the IPL had to go and remind us of it every time there’s a close Mach4 TurboMax shave… ARRRGH!” said Pranav, a cricket buff who claims he’s a Test cricket maniac (his Twitter bio says so), but gets bored watching the long hours and spends it watching IPL videos on YouTube.

Kolkata Knight Riders skipper Gautam Gambhir announces the team’s CSR activity – making sure there are as few run-out opportunities as possible so that viewers aren’t subjected to the IPL’s latest brainwave.

If there’s any relief for the consumers, though, it’s that the innovation will not be called its proposed first name – Bajaj RE(60) Adjudication System Technology.

“Imagine Ravi Shastri screaming – It’s a close one, the batsman is on the ground, I can’t see the ball, and yes, the umpire is signaling for B.R.E.A.S.T. here,” exclaimed Rajsekhar, a cricket fan who is obviously relieved because he has to watch IPL games at home with his parents (as it is, he has to channel surf during cheerleader sections).

And lastly, Chennai Super Kings captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has blatantly refused to accept this new innovation for his team’s games saying the “technology isn’t perfect yet”.

(the writer blogs here)

Relationships suffer a heavy blow as Facebook fails to notify birthdays

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 11:24:17 +0000

New Delhi. 25-year-old Praveen is on verge of losing his job as he couldn’t wish his manager on his birthday today. Praveen was the only one in the office who had no idea why a cake had been ordered in the office, and he happened to ask the question to Ankit, his boss and the birthday boy of the day. A curious Praveen was left crestfallen when he realized the faux pas he had committed.

“I checked my Facebook account and there were no birthday notifications! I remember being the first one to wish Ankit a happy birthday on his wall last year. Everyone thought that the 7.54% salary hike that I got was due to that quick performance,” Praveen, a regular Facebook user with 2443 friends said.

Most birthdays are being celebrated only on Facebook, research says.

Praveen then checked Ankit’s profile and he found his date of birth listed there, visible to public. Ankit hadn’t even unfriended him, but somehow Facebook failed to remind him about the occasion – a grave miss that can now cost his job.

“Boss was already unhappy with me for missing office on first Monday of 2012; that’s how I missed the HR mail reminding of the coming birthdays in the month,” Praveen told Faking News.

Millions of other Facebook users too complained of this technical glitch that stopped birthday notifications from appearing on their Facebook profiles. Experts have rated it as the most serious bug in Facebook till date, as it could potentially ruin millions of personal and professional relationships.

“Facebook was already being blamed for one-third of divorces, but now they have to take blame for lost jobs, broken hearts, and avoidable spending,” an internet security expert predicted.

“It could even drive away users to Google Plus!” the expert further warned of the unimaginable consequences.

The predictions by experts don’t appear way off the mark as Vikas had to buy a diamond ring for his girlfriend Poonam after he failed to wish her on her birthday last night. Vikas too blames Facebook for his impending credit card bill.

“They won’t stop reminding me to add some random guy as friend or to like some stupid page that some stupid friend of mine has liked, but they forgot to remind me of my girlfriend’s birthday! This is outrageous!” an angry Vikas said.

Apart from people like Vikas and Praveen, who are battling upheavals in their personal and professional lives due to the latest Facebook bug, there are people like Manish who have started doubting their own worth after nobody cared to wish them on their birthdays.

“Man, I don’t have a single real friend!” said a morose Manish, who finally updated his status as “Happy Birthday to me” to notify his friends. His status update attracted five ‘like’s.

“The fuckers just liked it, and didn’t bother to wish me even after that!” he rued.

People already bored and done with 2012, survey reveals

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:31:40 +0000

New Delhi. Hours after they greeted each other with “Happy New Year”, an overwhelming proportion of human beings are already bored with the new year, a survey done by Faking News reveals. Even the prediction of the world ending this year has failed to push people into taking any special interest in 2012, which many people believe would be just another boring year like all others gone by.

“I’m done with it,” said Ravish, who is now back to cribbing about office life as tomorrow happens to be a working day, “It’s not even a day into the new year and that bastard (as Ravish refers to his boss) is asking me updates about tomorrow’s meeting.”

Experts believe that the New Year’s Day falling on Sunday, which was anyway a holiday for many, has a major role in making people already bored with 2012.

Many on Facebook were already untagging themselves from such pictures

“It’s one holiday gone waste, rather it’s like adding another working day to the calendar,” explained an expert holding Thakur Prasad Calendar, “What adds insult to the injury is the fact that 2012 is a leap year – yet another extra working day in office.”

Apart from the New Year’s Day being followed by Monday, many other factors, like a rather ordinary Google doodle reminding people of pending tasks, were also blamed by the experts for the lack of enthusiasm among people in welcoming 2012.

Many people, who had sent SMS greetings to random contacts in their mobile phone book, are now reported to be repenting the impulsive act.

“I realized afterwards that the network operators suspend special SMS packages on such days. Fuck, I wasted at least 1000 rupees on those silly texts!” rued Ankit, whose name couldn’t ring a bell to 43% of the recipients of his new year text messages, with one of them replying back “who is this?”

“There are reports of petrol prices being increased on Monday. With the Prime Minister in bad mood after being shown black flags, I guess this could happen. I should have saved that money to buy petrol,” Ankit added.

Fans of 2012, like those working in the news channel India TV, were hopeful that the doomsday prediction by the Mayan Calendar will make people take more interest in 2012, but survey reveals that people are least interested.

“This doomsday is same shit like Lokpal and Sachin’s 100^th international century – I don’t care anymore about when it will happen,” Harish, a regular viewer of news channels said.

Russian derecognized as language after failing to come up with Kolaveri Di version

Rahul Saraf — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 07:48:40 +0000

New Delhi. In a surprise move, Dr. Manmohan Singh, who is the incumbent cultural minister of India, announced that “Russian” would be derecognized as a language in the country because it could not come up with its own version of the song “Why This Kolaveri Di”.

Currently serving as the Prime Minister of India as well, Dr. Singh said that India was forced to take such a step after Russia did not respond to any of the dossiers that had been sent by the government asking the former communist nation to take corrective steps.

“We did not want to give the other nations an impression that we will not act if countries ignore our dossiers,” he said before adding that “India is not a soft state”.

Martians too have composed their own version of the Kolaveri song that they intend to use to communicate with the earth people

Kolaveri Di, a song from the Tamil movie Three has become quite a rage in the cyber space with almost every language releasing its own version of the song. News channel CNN (the US one, and not the one which has Rajdeep Sardesai as its editor-in-chief) recently even declared it as the top song of the year 2011.

Various foreign languages and nations had also released their own avatar of the song that reinforced the belief that India was an emerging superpower. Recently, even Pakistan released its own Kolaveri version, but Russia was not responding at all, which forced the government to derecognize the Russian language.

India’s Foreign Minister, SM Krishna denied reports that this was India’s revenge after Russia had almost banned the Bhagwad Gita.

“India and Russia have always enjoyed a cordial relationship,” Krishna said, “I was in fact the first one to greet the Russian President Dmitri Medvedev when his wife Carla Bruni gave birth to a daughter recently.”

After his statement, Digvijay Singh was quick to save the government from the usual embarrassment when he clarified that “Rahul Baba had immediately pointed out to SM Krishna that it was the French President and his wife, Carla who were blessed with a daughter.”

There are unconfirmed reports that this move was prompted by the unsatisfactory reception of youth leader Rahul Gandhi by a dalit family in Russia, where he had gone on his first foreign tour as the future Prime Minister of India.

Rahul, who had invited himself for dinner at a Russian residence of an NRI dalit family, did not quite enjoy the food. He particularly didn’t like the appetizers prepared by the family. He had remarked that “Why does the tag of ‘poor starters’ have to be attached to every Indian team visiting overseas. It has to end somewhere”.

This move by the government to derecognize the Russian language could result in tensions between the two nations. The opposition led by the BJP has demanded that the government must resign, while Party President Nitin Gadkari has demanded that he be allowed to taste the Russian food prepared by the concerned family.

Dalit family asks Rahul Gandhi to finish dinner and leave house at midnight

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 06:59:42 +0000

Lucknow. Taking a cue from Rajya Sabha, which suspended proceedings abruptly as soon as the clock struck 12 in the midnight, a dalit family hosting Rahul Gandhi for dinner asked the Congress MP to leave their house as soon as they realized that it was end of the calendar day.

Rahul Gandhi had eaten just one roti (bread) when Dhaniram, the host, asked him to leave his house as the day reserved for showing hospitality to Rahul Gandhi had come to an end.

“We were having a nice chat and Rahul Baba was showing Dhaniram live television on his 3G enabled Aakash tablet gifted to him by Kapil Sibal,” a Congress worker, who had accompanied Rahul Gandhi, recalled the events of the last night.

Rahul Gandhi was shocked but didn't comment anything over the incident

Dhaniram asked Rahul Gandhi to show him news channels to check if his name and face was already on national television for hosting the future Prime Minister of India. Rahul obliged, but to his disappointment, Dhaniram found all the news channels broadcasting Parliament proceedings instead of breaking news on Rahul Gandhi having dinner at a dalit household.

“Rahul Baba explained something about Lokpal, but my mood was already off by then,” Dhaniram confided his honest feelings to Faking News, “I had paid a bribe of 500 rupees to the local agent who had promised that I will be popular after Rahul Gandhi visited my home. But there was not a single journalist covering the event! Only you Faking News guys were there! WTF!”

Adding to his woes was the half-an-hour explanation by Rahul Gandhi on how the Sarkari Lokpal can tackle corruption better than Jan Lokpal.

“To hell with all kind of Lokpals, I was more concerned about my 500 rupees and the food that I had invested to earn some fame,” Dhaniram said.

Already frustrated and exasperated at his loss, Dhaniram went mad when Rajya Sabha was adjourned sine die as soon as it was midnight. This killed all hopes of any non-Lokpal news being flashed.

“All that they were talking on TV was how the day had ended and no business could take place any further, while the disastrous day that I was having appeared to extend forever,” Dhaniram recalled how his wife started quarrelling with him as she had to cook food for five extra persons – Rahul Gandhi, his security guards, and the agent who fleeced Dhaniram.

However, the Parliament proceedings gave Dhaniram an idea on how to put an end to his sufferings. He immediately announced that the day had ended and the honorable Rahul Gandhi must leave his house keeping with the lofty traditions of the Indian parliament.

This left everyone stunned, as if Tendulkar was bowled at 99.

After regaining their composure, Congress workers tried to reason with Dhaniram but he remained adamant. The red faced agent even offered to fix a Walk The Talk appointment with Shekhar Gupta on NDTV, but Dhaniram was not ready to believe anyone anymore. Rahul Gandhi had to leave his house after having just one roti and a small bite off a pyaaz (onion).

“RSS agent,” Digvijay Singh claimed about Dhaniram.

Suresh Kalmadi to organize world class flash mob at Tihar jail

Mouthful — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 06:03:22 +0000

New Delhi. Suresh Kalmadi has got a chance to redeem himself and Delhi, which has been trying to outdo Mumbai in organizing flash mobs ever since CST railway station organized one.

The beaming jailer of Tihar jail today announced that to keep pace with other institutions, Tihar jail has decided to go for its own ‘flash mob’, ably organized by its VIP inmates under the chairmanship of Suresh Kalmadi.

“We were under a lot of pressure after Anna Hazare decided to shift his fast to Mumbai,” jailer Dinanath Chauhan explained the need to have a flash mob for the jail and the capital city, “After we had arrested Anna last time, we had a huge flash mob outside the jail, but we were disappointed when Anna decided to shift the venue to Mumbai. Seems we lost the host status after CST released their own flash mob video.”

Suresh Kalmadi thinking about some dance steps

“We must do it for Delhi,” he said.

When cross-questioned over the skills of Mr. Suresh Kalmadi in pricing even normal toilet-wraps at unhealthily high prices, Dinanath responded, “But there are enough checks and balances to that. He is being paired with A Raja, who has the counter-skill to keep the prices as low as possible.”

“In the end, it would even out, you would see. In fact, with a little help from Kapil Sibal sir, we can even have prices as low as zero,” he added.

Apart from assisting Kalmadi in preparations, Mr. Raja will perform additional task of setting up 3G video streaming of the flash mob performance. “No, he has been debarred from consulting Chidambaram over the task and has to rely on his own competence,” Dinanath informed.

He grinned when asked who would kick off the dance steps, “Why? Lalit Bhanot is our choreographer. He is a good learner and we have allowed him to watch some Mithunda’s movies to gather some groovy steps. Earlier, we decided to hand him Madhuri’s CDs but then we switched to Mithun as we have more of male prisoners.”

Jail sources (our journalists jailed for writing offensive stuff on internet) suggest that Manu Sharma has donated 50 lakh rupees for organizing this flash mob. As a token of appreciation for this charitable act, jail authorities have decided not to have any song from the movie “Nobody Killed Jessica” for the flash mob.

Digvijay Singh to keep mum for 10 days if Sachin scores his 100th century

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 07:54:10 +0000

New Delhi. In a move that can motivate Sachin Tendulkar no end, Congress leader Digvijay Singh has offered to go on a ‘maun vrat’ (vow of silence) for 10 successive days if the master blaster scored his 100^th international century in the Boxing Day test match in Australia. The moment Sachin completes his 100^th run Diggi Raja will stop speaking, and will open his mouth only after full 240 hours.

“Anna Hazare and his team members will be speaking in Mumbai but I will keep mum,” Digvijay Singh described the unimaginable scenario that will be realized if Sachin scored century of centuries.

Digvijay Singh will not try to score with his mouth once Sachin scores with his bat

“I am willing to sacrifice this much for the nation,” he said. He later hastily added that his sacrifice, although paramount, was nothing compared to the sacrifices Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi have made for the nation.

The offer by Digvijay Singh has been welcomed by everyone, though many experts warn that this will add extra pressure on the shoulders of Sachin.

“He is already carrying expectations of millions of his fans. Now add to that the expectations of millions of Digvijay Singh haters. That’s almost like Dolly Bindra sitting on his shoulders and screaming in his ears, while he braces up to face bouncers from the Australian bowlers,” cricket expert Harsha Bhogle explained.

However, it seems that the pressure on Tendulkar is only going to increase as many non-Poonam-Pandey human beings are coming up with their own offers to motivate him to score his much awaited international century.

Sources say that BJP is trying to convince Navjot Singh Sidhu to go on a similar maun vrat to match Digvijay Singh’s offer. However, Sidhu is reported to be unwilling to keep mum beyond 10 hours.

“BJP could try to rope in Rakhi Sawant and make her keep mum for 100 days to better Congress’ offer,” an untrustworthy party source said.

According to some reports, Ravi Shastri has already announced his retirement from commentary if Tendulkar achieved the feat, while Suhel Seth has promised not to discuss ‘Bharat Ratna to Tendulkar’ on Times Now or anywhere.

“All these are fine, but whether or not Sachin will score his century will be known tonight when our experts would announce if Melbourne Cricket Ground is vaastu compliant,” the sports editor of India TV told Faking News.

Vicks launches caste-based inhalers, as cold affects people based on their caste

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:51:17 +0000

Mumbai. After the path-breaking discovery by the Indian parliament, which established beyond doubt that corruption affected people based on their ethnic roots, a team of doctors have concluded that the ill effects of common cold too were sensitive to a person’s caste and religion.

Researchers have found out that if a Brahmin, Muslim, Yadav, and Paswan were left exposed to the same cold weather conditions, they will develop different health complications and hence they required different levels of treatments. Based on this finding, Vicks, the leading manufacturer of cough-and-cold over-the-counter medicines, has launched caste based VapoRubs, throat lozenges, and inhalers.

Different castes need different remedies

“All these years we thought that corruption affected every person, every aam aadmi, in the same way, but thankfully our honorable leaders opened our eyes and made us realize that it was a myth,” Dr. Anu Hazarika, the lead researcher told Faking News.

The eye-opening realization dawned upon Dr. Anu and her team once the parliament agreed to introduce caste and community based reservations in Lokpal, the proposed anti-corruption body.

“We always thought that crime and corruption spared no one and made no distinctions among the victims,” Dr. Anu said, “But we were wrong, the parliament proved us wrong; and the parliament is supreme in our democracy.”

After crime and corruption were connected with caste and community by the council of MPs, Dr. Anu started looking for more ‘C’s and zeroed upon “common cold”, which had two Cs in it. To her bewilderment, she realized that common cold too was pretty casteist and communal in nature.

“A Brahmin was less vulnerable to common cold than a Yadav if both were made to stand naked in the same freezing environment,” Dr. Anu shared her findings, “and that’s why a Brahmin didn’t need as much Oxymetazoline dosage as a Yadav. We were definitely doing it the wrong way by prescribing the same dosage to every man suffering from common cold effects such as nasal congestion.”

“What we need right now are caste and religion based medicines,” she concluded.

When Faking News reporter tried to reason that maybe the different effect of same cold weather condition on people belonging to different communities were due to their financial condition and personal lifestyle, Dr. Anu argued that one didn’t need to take such a “complex” view of a situation that can be easily explained in terms of one’s caste.

“Let’s keep it simple; let’s have quota in cold-and-cough medicines,” she suggested.

While her research is still being debated by the doctors, sociologists, lawyers, and twitter users, Vicks has decided to launch such caste specific medicines by the next week. Proctor & Gamble, the company owning the Vicks brand, has justified the move.

“It reflects the sense of the house and the nation,” a representative of the company said, “If there is any objection from the scientific community, we hope the parliament will pass a law allowing sale of such caste based medicines. Unlike Anna Hazare, we have full faith in our MPs.”

Don’t become MacMohan of Hollywood, fans plead with Anil Kapoor

Vipul K Rawal — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 08:12:39 +0000

Mumbai. Versova Police today arrested a man for breaking into Anil Kapoor’s house. The man, who has legally changed his name to Romeo Jhakaas, claims to be a diehard fan of Anil Kapoor and told the police that he had gone there just to impart some career guidance to Anil Kapoor.

After being let off with a warning, Romeo talked to this journalist in detail about what transpired.

“For the past one year, I have been eagerly waiting for Mission Impossible 4 just because it had Anil Kapoor in it. In fact, it was I who started tweeting and blogging when his picture didn’t feature on the movie poster. It was only after that, they put his picture on the poster,” Romeo claimed.

MacMohan, who played Sambha in the superhit movie Sholay, used to perform outstanding 3-minutes roles in Bollywood.

During the movie, Romeo got a phone call from Juliet Dixit, his girlfriend, and being a cultured moviegoer, he got out of the movie hall to have a quick chat. He returned after three minutes, his shortest phone conversation ever with his girlfriend, and was shocked to realize that he had missed Anil Kapoor’s role as a result. He couldn’t believe this horror.

“Bloody I went back and bought the ticket for the next show. I didn’t even go to bathroom this time. And WTF! Anil was there in the film only for 3 minutes! And there too he kept getting beaten and slapped by the heroine! Come on, he was visible on screen for more time even as Mr. India, the invisible man!” said a visibly traumatized Romeo.

When probed gently what has that got to do with him breaking into Anil Kapoor’s house, Romeo said that he wanted to offer some sound career advice to his idol.

“I don’t want him to become MacMohan of Hollywood,” the diehard fan of Sonam Kapoor’s father said, “Do you know Anil Kapoor is the only Bollywood star who doesn’t do ads. The only ad he did was for the Mont Blanc pen, which also upset me, because that pen should have been presented to his brother Boney Kapoor and not to him by his father.”

When contacted by Faking News, Anil Kapoor laughed it off but reiterated that his 3-minute role in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol offered him a range of emotions that a normal full length Hindi movie never offered him. Also, it gave him a chance to project an urbane, suave, hawttt Indian man, which people in the west have no idea about.

However, the producers of the movie are taking no risks and have secured themselves against any attack on theaters on studios by angry Anil Kapoor fans. Sources say that the producers are thinking of hiring TV serial producer Ekta Kapoor, who is expert in converting a 3-minutes story into a 30-minutes full blown episode.

Only copy of Lokpal Bill prepared by the government goes missing

Mouthful — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 08:11:44 +0000

New Delhi. In a shocking development that has scared the collective shit of the government representatives, the only copy of the much touted long-held ‘Lokpal Bill’ has suddenly gone missing. UPA ministers, who were handling the strings of the allegedly path-breaking bill, were left red faced as media and activists probed the whereabouts of the anti-corruption antidote.

“The bill was, umm…” Abhishek Manu Singhvi, averred, “was in my closet. I had kept it myself the last night before going to enjoy some red wine with Sibal Sahib after completing all the formalities.”

The draft of the bill was gone in the morning. It was probably a theft because Singhvi woke up to find a big black letter ‘A’ embossed in steel lying in his closet, instead of the copy of the bill. Singhvi, using his lawyer’s mind, could immediately draw parallels with the Dhoom2, where the thief-in-chief Hrithik Roshan would place a similar letter after every heist.

Earlier, copies of Lokpal Bill prepared by the government was burnt by the civil society activists, following which the government decided to have only one fire-proof copy of the bill.

Sources inform that Home Minister P Chidambaram has already ordered a midnight lathicharge on Hrithik Roshan’s fans as he suspects Hrithik to have stolen the only copy of the bill to promote his new movie Agneepath – a movie name starting with ‘A’.

“Anna, Anna – that name also starts with A! Arrest him!” a voice, suspected to be that of Digvijay Singh, was heard in an emergency meeting called by Sonia Gandhi in the morning to find the bill. Leaders like Vilasrao Deshmukh and Ashok Chavan, who has invaluable experience in the case of missing files related to the Adarsh Society scam, were also present in the meeting, sources say.

Later talking exclusively to Faking News, Manu Singhvi explained that no other copy of the bill was made since earlier leaks had forced the government to be extra careful. He and Sibal were apparently working on further improvements in the draft last night as government had agreed to extend the winter session to discuss the bill and get it passed.

“While done with the last line at 11:32 in the night, I had jubilantly high-five’d the coarse hands of Sibalji,” recalled Singhvi, “and the keys had been in my boxer pockets all the night.”

“Zameen nigal gayi ya aasman kha gaya,” said angry BJP MP BS Ahluwalia, who warned to stop the parliament session till the bill was found. He also accused Congress of playing tricks and claimed that the party had deliberately allowed the theft to delay formation of a Lokpal.

He went so far to say that Kapil Sibal turns into a werewolf after two glasses of wine, and he might have taken the bill along with him or kept it somewhere.

“CBI should ‘zero-in’ on Sibal,” he said and asked Anna to go on a fast demanding arrest of Kapil Sibal.

However Anna Hazare has blamed BJP too this time, since he held the opinion that BJP was never interested in bringing the bill because once implemented, many of its own leaders would have behind the bars or tied around a pole to be whipped by a mother-like figure. He said that the conspiracy would be busted soon and offered the media a copy of Jan-Lokpal as the only solution.

Meanwhile, sensing an impending danger, all the thieves have left Delhi and spread all over the country, thus bringing even distribution of thieves in the country as earlier they were all concentrated in and around the capital.

There is no hint so far about the whereabouts of the bill. Manu Singhvi could be subjected to ‘Sach Ka Saamna‘ and be asked specific questions about the PM, lower bureaucracy, and other unresolved matters to get a final word of truth.

Reacting to the news, people have responded in a bit of aggression: Pawar has been slapped again, a chappal was thrown at Chidambaram, and Sibal’s twitter profile was hacked with status updated to ‘F–k me’.

Rats welcome Food Security Bill in anticipation of rotten grains

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 10:45:41 +0000

New Delhi. With Food Security Bill cleared by the union cabinet, millions of rats living in and around FCI godowns have gone on a reproduction spree in anticipation of free grains that will be left rotting by the government agencies for the lack of robust public distribution system in the country.

Rats are confident that their coming generations will not die of hunger as there would be enough grains lying unused in the warehouses and railway stations.

Mikki, along with many other rats, thinks now his days of penury and hunger are over

“I have finally decided to marry my longtime girlfriend and have at least two dozen little mice by the next parliament session,” Mikki, a brown rat living below an FCI (Food Corporation of India) godown in East Delhi told Faking News.

Mikki got the news while chewing on the morning newspaper yesterday where he got the news about Food Security Bill getting nod of the cabinet. Immediately, he tore off the paper and went to the burrow of Mini, his girlfriend, and showed the piece of paper to Mini’s father.

“I told him that we’d have enough grains to feed our next seven generations,” Mikki recalled how he convinced his would-be father-in-law, who asked for the whole newspaper and scanned through the whole newspaper to find out if Mamata Banerjee was opposed to the idea.

“Once he was convinced that Mamatadi was not against the Food Security Bill, he agreed to marry off Mini to me!” a visibly happy and hopeful Mikki thanked Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi for securing the future of his family.

However, experts warn that the happiness of Mikki might be short-lived as many human beings were also planning to benefit from the Food Security Bill.

“Thieves and black-marketers have already started renegotiating the terms of the engagement with the officials to hoard away the PDS grains, and it might not leave much for these poor rats,” an expert pointed out.

(inspired by this Facebook status update by Prof. Anil Gupta of IIM Ahmedabad)

Man with over 500 pictures of Kim Kardashian finally learns to pronounce her name

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:00:26 +0000

New Delhi. 25-year-old Ricky Bahl, who has a hobby of collecting high resolution pictures and wallpapers of various ladies, has finally learned how to pronounce “Kim Kardashian” – the name of the famous American actress, model and sex-tape leaker. It’s not yet clear why Ricky took the pain to know the right pronunciation of the name, especially the surname, as it is not required by any software to open or edit the pictures and videos of Kim Kardashian.

“He was happy with those 500 odd pictures, video clips, and the sex-tape of Kim on his laptop hard drive, and used to relieve himself when under pressure,” Rohit, a close friend of Ricky and a frequent borrower of .3gp and .avi files from him, told Faking News. Rohit referred to Kim Kardashian as only “Kim” throughout the interview.

One of the pictures that were found on the hard drive of Ricky Bahl

“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” Rohit angrily said when this reporter asked him whether he knew how to pronounce the surname of the American model, whose Facebook fan page received maximum comments – like ‘hi sexy, when u come 2 India’ – from him and Ricky. Both of them also follow her on Twitter.

On the other hand, Ricky Bahl was reported to be flaunting his new acquired knowledge to all his friends as he tutored at least seven other guys on how to make a difference between Kim Sharma and Kim Kardashian while speaking.

Ricky refused to disclose why he decided to learn the pronunciation, but he categorically declined that it was result of any security threat e.g. a virus that stopped him from accessing his “Hot Babes” folder in D Drive unless he pronounced the name of the enclosed files correctly.

However sources confirm that Ricky was forced to take this step after he was widely ridiculed by some of his female friends for pronouncing Kardashian and “Kadarshiyaan” for the second time in the last one week.

Sources further inform that when he was ridiculed for the first time, Ricky did go back to his room and tried to Google for “Kim Kardashian Pronunciation”, however he lost his way as Google auto-complete suggestions led him to search for “Kim Kardashian Pregnant”.

Ricky, also a keen follower of English music, now aims to find out if Lady Gaga is a man and whether Justin Bieber is his sister.

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Pakistan to remove 16 December from all future calendars

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 16:06:30 +0000

Islamabad, Pakistan. Keeping with the tradition of altering history that doesn’t suit its ideological and political preferences, Pakistan has decided to remove 16 December from all future calendars.

This step is aimed at erasing history that happened 40 years ago, when on 16^th December 1971, Pakistan army surrendered to the Indo-Bangladesh forces, leading to the division of Pakistan and independence of Bangladesh.

Pakistan will now assume it never happened.

Such pictures showing Lt. Gen A. A. K. Niazi of Pakistan Army signing the Instrument of Surrender to Lt. Gen J.S. Aurora of Indian Army will be declared fake and photoshopped

“There will be no day numbered 16 in December. We’ll have 15 December followed by 17 December. To make up for the loss of this one day, we will celebrate 25 December twice – first as Christmas, and then as Qaid-e-Azam day, the birthday of Mohammad Ali Jinnah,” Pakistani Home Minister Rehman Malik announced.

Mr. Malik rejected criticisms that the decision was against minority-rights as it effectively shifted Christmas on 24^th December.

“Look, this is in fact going to help our Christian brothers – Taliban and other extremist forces will be happy with Christmas being dislodged and will not attack any celebrations,” he explained. However, he didn’t commit whether two consecutive holidays would be announced on both the 25 Decembers.

The Home Minister of Pakistan further claimed that there was nothing outlandish in the decision as Pakistan have been advancing clocks by an hour regularly in the past several years to save power. The clocks were later reversed by an hour to get back to the normal schedule. This decision takes that logic forward and advances the clocks by full 24 hours on the night of 15^th December.

The religious parties, ISI, and the Pakistani Army have welcomed the decision, which drew mixed reactions from Historians. While some historians termed the decision a “farce”, many others have expressed relief.

“I hope we can now remove references in the history books that claim that the Pakistan armed forces defeated Indian forces everywhere in 1971; we used to have tough time explaining this to our students,” a Professor of History told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

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