If this unbelievable piece of news acquired from the Chinese media can at all be believed, then Taliban is training monkeys to fight the US Army. The report talks on how primates are being taught the art of gun warfare in order to fight out the much capable US Army. The Indian government is also worried that such “gun totting primates” may be used against our interest too.

A senior defense analyst on the condition of anonymity disclosed, “Monkeys can be excellent instruments for warfare. They can easily disguise and blend with normal monkeys and open fire when required.” On asking him whether this piece of news can be ignored as just a funny rumor he reacted strongly by saying, “If monkey’s can ride bicycles in a circus, they can do anything”

The report further claims that the monkeys are being trained with AK-47s, machine guns and trench mortars and in exchange are given bananas. If our sources at Faking News are to be believed, we are told that RAW (Research and Analysis Wing) has already started research on methods to combat the monkey terror.

Dr. Pankaj Sharma, senior member of research in RAW pointed out his views as, “The best way to tackle monkeys is to feed them bananas. Show them a bunch of bananas, they will drop the guns”. But veterinarian doctor, Dr. Aatif Sheikh, who has done his specialization on primate psychology, says, “Bananas won’t do the job. Monkeys are too mischievous. I and my team are doing the research on how to combat this and we would tell you the results soon”

Interestingly, Mahaguru Nityanand Bapu suggested a unique method to combat the possible threat of monkey attack-“Such ferocious monkeys would not respond to anything else but to the command of their god Hanuman himself. Hence doing Hanuman Chalisa paath to the monkeys can be the best and full proof method to change their attitude towards killing.”

The Indian Military Academy has taken this piece of advice most seriously and are working on it. Col. S.K. Tripathi, in an exclusive interview to Faking News said, “I am excited about this drill. All our jawans are learning the Hanuman Chalisa and we have given them tapes to listen to it again and again and be thorough. I am sure this will yield great results and keep us better equipped against this danger in comparison to any other country in the world”

PETA is furious about the whole incident and has threatened that if any monkey is killed during any combat that it would ensure the murderers have to pay heavy price for it. We hear many other wildlife conservation organizations will support PETA in its cause for monkey justice. A lot of people are joining in this movement too. Guess only Mamata Banerjee is LEFT out :)

–
AUTHOR: Soaham Ganguly
BLOG: http://cueforchange.blogspot.com/
TWITTER PROFILE: http://twitter.com/soaham43