Allahabad. The effects of yesterday’s “supermoon” were felt far across the solar system, a Faking News exclusive can reveal. Whilst the size and brightness of the moon wowed spectators here on earth, its astronomical power led to a large increase in “non-bhang influenced” UFO sightings across India.
“This is a well observed phenomenon,” said Raj Vyas, founder of itsaciaconspiracy.com, “the extra-terrestrials are knocked off course; away from their traditional test subject sampling areas in the US Mid-West to new areas like UP (Uttar Pradesh).”
Faking News wondered why, with both areas being flat, agricultural and not overly interesting, what the difference was for our alien guests. “Oh, believe me,” Vyas exclaimed, “Abducting in UP is a pain for them.” He then handed our correspondent a phone number and suggested we see for ourselves.
We found Mohit, 48, working in his field near Allahabad. “There was a big light, just like Diwali,” he said, “Then an irresistible force, like the one which hits me after a whisky or five, hit me, but this time in the opposite direction.” He explained how he was sucked into a spaceship “bigger than a Mahindra Jeep” and examined by creatures speaking a bizarre language “which could have been Bengali”.
“I did what I always do when I’m on my bike and someone accosts me for no reason and talks rubbish,” he continued, “I gave them Rs.100, said I was sorry, that I was sure they were doing their job, but that I had a family to feed.”
The extra-terrestrials, who looked “a little like Pranab Mukherjee, but younger”, repeated some words Mohit did not recognize: “It was a bit like ‘wair O-bar-mar, wair O-bar-mar’, then they refused the Rs.100 and chanted ‘do-lar, do-lar’. I told them to go back to Bengal and they dumped me back down here.”
Faking News asked if his abductors had done any anal probing, as is often reported in US cases. “No,” he replied; he always walked like that.
“Alien races are facing a dilemma,” said self-styled “Alienologist”, James Harding, from Bladon University and Take Away, “Indians are easy to beam up but they don’t generate much publicity for the aliens; Americans, on the other hand, make alien movies, TV shows, websites and bizarre UFO cults, but obesity means beaming them up is getting harder and harder.”
An eyewitness likened an incident in 2003 when an alien spacecraft attempted to abduct a 150kg woman outside a fast food joint in Nebraska to “a fisherman trying to reel in a bluefin tuna”. She got away.
But with India TV reporters on way to meet Mohit and Chief Minister Mayawati blaming Samajwadi Party for “alien gundagardi”, events that could generate the much needed publicity, alien races could be encouraged to visit India, especially Uttar Pradesh, again in future, Alienologists feel.