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An essay on Indian liberal

19, Sep 2015 By Mahesh Jagga

Disclaimer: An answer sheet containing this essay was forwarded to Faking News. It looks like an essay written by a jouralism student on Indian Liberals. Faking News cannot vouch for its authenticity and is reproducing it here.

The Indian Liberal is one of prominent and visible specie of India. It can be normally sighted on TV channel debates, op-eds, social media platforms, Jantar Mantar and Wagah border.

Indian Liberal comes in many varieties. However the most dominating and visible are the Secular Indian Liberal (SIL), the Indian Left Liberal (ILL) and Militant Indian Liberal & Feminist (MILF). All varieties exhibit similar characteristics with some slight variations.

The natural habitat of Indian Liberals is in the fields of journalism, writing, politics, trade unionism or naxalism but since they survive, grow and thrive on gravy train of handouts, grants, commissions and accommodations, they need to stay closer to centre of power, both economic and political.

Characteristics of Indian liberal
Characteristics of Indian liberal

As per one school of thought, Indian Liberal traces its roots in the washer man in Ramayana, who while beating his wife blue and black (even unleashing dogs on her, sources say), made the famous remark, “I am not Ram that I would allow into my home, a wife who has spent a night outside home” leading to exile of Sita. Though some other historians put Indian Liberals as successors of Manthara who through her methods of misinformation and propaganda was able to provoke & instigate Kaikeyi against her husband.

Though, as normally happens in this part of the world, current generation of Indian Liberals refuses to acknowledge their native ancestors and prefer to associate themselves with foreigners like Goebbels.

An Indian Liberal, normally, has no listening faculties, extra large vocal faculties, curtailed cognitive sense, an absent left brain and oversized right brain. Availability of limited bandwidth for logical processing of information or facts due to absence of left brain, combined with unlimited creative canvas provided by large right brain, allows them to espouse profound inanities in voluminous proportions while dismissing the inconveniences the truth brings to a situation.

Studies on whether the absence of left brain is congenital or due to evolution, like vanishing of humans’ tail due to non use, were inconclusive as these were done by Liberals themselves.

An Indian Liberal is a champion of rights but focuses on the exotic (not to be confused with erotic, though welcome) while staying away from the mundane.

Hundreds of children dying from encephalitis being is a daily occurrence, a boring routine and anyone can handle that. It needs an Indian Liberal to find out and analyse the consumption pattern of condoms during religious festivals. Similarly Indian Liberal is also a master of linkages and associations, as random as possible, as abstract as incomprehensible and as farfetched as perplexing. In a simple situation of ‘A’ throwing a banana peel on the road and B slipping on it, thus breaking his femur’ the extraordinary right brain of the Indian Liberal can use these twin qualities and come out with following profundities.

1) Poor ‘A’! So distracted by the rising prices of onions that the peel slipped from his hand leading to unfortunate accident. What is govt doing about food inflation?

2) In XYZ’s India, people are attacking each other with banana peels now! This primitive kind of strife was expected from a divisive leader.

3) Banana peel strikes today. Civil war next?

4) 15 people kept watching a human being step on a Banana peel and break his leg. Not one person moved. Are we a banana country?

5) Does ‘B’ blaming ‘A’ over a small incident point towards the growing divisiveness in the country? Think about it. Shubhratri.

Now, the Indian Liberal could be either of SIL, ILL or MILF variety, A and B could be Hindu & Muslim or could be male & female, the government ruling the state could be communal or secular and the situation throws up endless possibilities.

To summarize, an Indian Liberal would neither look at the woods nor the trees, nor the branches or the shoots, nor the leaves or the buds, nor the trunk or the root, not even the insects or birds on the tree, rather at the man staring at the tree from a distance and focus on the color of the handkerchief in his pocket.

God forbid, if it happens to be green or saffron.