New Delhi. After having failed to ‘expel’ or ‘hide’ beggars from the city, Delhi government has now decided to turn them into traffic police officers in order to present a beggar-free face of the national capital during the Commonwealth Games (CWG). The decision was taken after beggars refused to stay put under tents and game banners in public parks even after being promised free food and other necessities.
“The beggars wanted money instead of food,” informed Delhi Government spokesman Vikram Pal Gupta, “We tried everything but they were adamant. Finally we decided to let them earn some quick cash by extracting financial contributions from motorists at city intersections. This way, foreign visitors will not see beggars getting small change; they will see smart uniformed police officers getting notes.”
The government believes that the city beggars have all the necessary skills in place to become traffic policemen. A pilot project at Ashram Chowk proved successful with the former beggars proving particularly adept at squeezing between and sometimes under cars to reach their targets.
“They are so thin and wiry,” said Officer Sobran Tandon of the Traffic Police, watching his new colleague slip between a Honda City and a Blueline Bus to tug on the sleeve of a passing auto-driver, “They get everywhere. And the cash those guys bring in! I wish I was 15kg lighter.”
Those beggars, who accept this latest offer to join traffic police force, will undergo “assertiveness training”, including the good-cop-bad-cop routine and will be schooled in the “creative use” of the Motor Vehicles Act 1988.
“This is great,” said Chunrilal, a beggar participating in the initiative, “I used to play on pity and sympathy, but now they taught me to use aggression and stubbornness, and I can name my price. I like playing bad cop; it’s great fun.”
Traffic experts point out that these new recruits are illiterate and cannot write official speeding or parking tickets, but the Delhi Government responded by stating that currently only a small minority of traffic police carry pens. Most settle infringements “orally”.
“Furthermore, these guys are good at linguistic skills. They speak better English than many current traffic policemen because of their years-old experience of dealing with foreign tourists around CP and Janpath,” Vikram Pal Gupta said.
“They also have cleaner teeth as they don’t eat much sugar or eat paan,” he added.
Meanwhile in an unrelated development, a blogger planning to write a satirical piece on CWG committed suicide in Mayur Vihar yesterday after being filled with enormous guilt for not having enough national pride. Sources suggest that he was exposed continuously for two hours to the latest media coverage by some news channels supporting CWG.
A foreign “satirical journalist” was also apprehended in Vasant Kunj earlier today. Police say that his constant piss talking about the CWG breached the terms of his visa. He will be deported tomorrow.