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Snippets

Unemployed youth kills four enemies with one grenade in Pubg; Gets a job offer from ISIS

23, Jan 2019 By Guest Patrakar
Bengaluru. Anurag, a 21-year-old engineer from Koramangala, is on cloud nine after a job offer came his way at the most unexpected time and from an unusual platform.
The youngster has become the first Indian to bag this offer from a middle east based organization. Sources say the only son of a retired PWD officer has been notorious for shifting his passion frequently among short film making, reviewing movies, wildlife photography, novel writing, world travel, music, bank exams, government exams, and IAS before calling it all quits. He has been seen depressed after the porn ban by the Indian government though TikTok offered him a little help. Despite the state of things, he never stopped passionately posting motivational quotes on social media his friends say.
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“I always knew I may not win immediately, but will win definitely. But I honestly did not expect it this sooner. I usually play PUBG on Europe or American server since it increases the chances of having a girl in your squad. So, this day was no different. I started the first game of the day after breakfast and was matched with three strangers who were all men. Such a bad start to the day fueled my rage and I started hunting down the enemies” said Anurag recounting the memories of his big day.
He continued,”I finished the game throwing a grenade into the enemy squad’s vehicle that killed all of them. After the game, I got friend request from one of my squad members which I rejected instantly knowing it was a man. But, you know, when you want something, the universe conspires to make it happen”.
“After three more hours of gaming, I was hungry. Let me remind you, a hungry stomach and an empty wallet can teach you the most valuable lessons of life. So,on scrolling my way down to the Swiggy app,I accidentally opened LinkedIn which I installed a year ago to stalk my ex after she had blocked me on all platforms. To my surprise, there was an inbox message and it was a job offer..woohoo!”. He punched the air.
The offer was ISIS, a spin-off from ISIS, founded by a startup cum suicide bombing enthusiast from Syria. He is said to be earlier evicted from the industry giant ISIS during the last recession.On a call with us,the employer expressed his delight to have the startup’s first recruit from India. Taking a few minutes off his work travel to Afghanistan, the man said,”I derived a lot of inspiration from the birth and the toraboran success of Flipkart founded by ex-Amazonians. I am imitating the same here. We,at IISIS, reimagine the way thousands of people die everyday across the world. With high confidence I can say we are already topping the charts of innovation in this industry as you can see most other organizations shell out huge money in training but we are identifying the talents on zero cost, third party platforms like Pubg. We still do have openings in our torture wing. People who post a series of 30,40 status posts on WhatsApp and run their own railways wouls be ideal candidates for the role”, he said before hanging up to get back to decapitating a mannequin. The organization has recently raised its round two funding from Pakistan and is most likely to be acquired by the ISIS as industry analysts predict.
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Talking about the salary package,Anurag said,”When I read some points in their JD like ‘Be a change maker’ and ‘Your learning curve will be steep in this amazing start-up environment’,I knew for sure they were going to pay me peanuts. But, you know, when you follow your passion,money follows. So I accepted the offer. The pay is average for now but the perks are too amazing for a startup job. 72 virgins. Can you believe it? My friends in Google and Microsoft work their assess off in a foreign land and get one nice girl each to sleep with for their entire life. But I work here at my own pace and get 72 virgins which is more than the total number of virgin girls from my entire batch in college. Earlier I could only right swipe or left swipe them but now I can also kidnap them”.
Before signing off,”Like any other jobless human,I am a huge fan of inspirational quotes and have even come up with many quotes on my own. I have been just waiting to achieve something in life for people to take them seriously. Now I am gonna Instagram them all” he grinned.
Anurag’s father was all proud of his son while speaking to us. He said,”We have read stories of kids who studied under streetlights and went on to top the exams. My son shares a similar story. He was so determined and stayed away from all possible distractions. He used to carry his mobile to the bathroom and spent a lot of working hard in silence which has now rewarded him so well”.