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With just over a month to go, terrorists pull out of CWG

01, Sep 2010 By Simon

New Delhi. The Commonwealth Games has nothing to fear from the terrorists, if a video released by a jihadist group is to be believed. Speaking through a handkerchief tied over his face, Abdul, the leader of self-proclaimed “next-big-thing” Islamist group Al-Makaroon, shrugged his shoulders and appeared to sigh to the camera.

“What can we do?” he said, shrugging Gallicly and almost dropping his AK-47, “we normally target infrastructure and aim for maximum disruption. We like to be famous and feared.”

As Delhi rushes to turn mosquito infested wastelands into mosquito infested wastelands capable of hosting a minor sporting event, opportunities for the group have dwindled.

“We could spend ages sorting out ingenious, foolproof plans to blow things up so that everyone would tremble when they heard our name”, said Abdul, “But what’s the point? Bomb a bridge and people will assume it just collapsed, bomb a games venue and people will think the organizers have cut corners, pocketed the money and the things have just fallen down.”

Game Village aka Khel Gaon
With misspelt spellings like these, terrorists are also scared of losing their way and attacking wrong targets.

The group cannot compete with the CWG for funds. “We have whatever we can scrape together to fund our attacks through elderly relatives and Sajad’s underwear business”, he continued, “the CWG has had billions to mess up the city with, how can we compete? It’d be like pissing against the tide.”

However, having abandoned attacks on the CWG, the group has been able to divert funds to other purposes such as enlisting tough, chiseled actors to appear in their video releases, setting up a gaudy website with an overbearing theme tune you can’t turn off and issuing each of the group’s six members an official membership ID cards.

Security analyst, Vijay Prasad, agrees that terror threat to the CWG is low: “Such is the press frenzy against the games, Delhi could quite easily come under nuclear attack and people would still blame the games organizers. I mean, a mushroom cloud looks very much like the dust cloud which arises when a large building, like a stadium, collapses.”

Games organizers have been quick to point out that this, in fact, was the plan all along. “The twin towers were big, shiny and finished”, said one of the organizers Arun Shah, “a nice shiny, target for Mr. Terrorist. The rustic state of our venues means they are less attractive to the terrorists, plus, we have planned a few extra security measures; three main venues are due to fall down during the games as decoys”, explains Shah, “and several dummy venues will not open at all” he added.

(picture courtesy: Sidhant Sibal)