Saturday, 22nd February, 2020


New York Times correspondent leaves Delhi, pollution levels drop dramatically

04, Jun 2015 By vogonpoem

New Delhi: Almost overnight, New Delhi dropped out of the Top 25 Most Polluted Cities list of the WHO, when Gardiner Harris announced that he was moving back to the US. The city’s Particulate Matter index (called PM 2.5) plummeted from 500 to 250 microgram/m^3 when the announcement was made.

Shri Harris was the South Asian correspondent of the New York Slimes Times, residing in Delhi for the last 3 years. He was often invited to NDTV panels as an exotic foreigner to share his views on the local political dynamics, often regaling the audience with his delightful confusion between AAP, PAAP & CRAP.

CDC workers searching for NYT articles
CDC workers searching for NYT articles

During his stint in the nation’s capital, Shri Harris brought home the point to unwashed Hindus the reality of open defecation in India by openly defecating in the Op Ed columns of his newspaper. His seminal work connecting Hindu excretory habits with Manu Smriti scored an unprecedented content rating of 10^6 FPM (Farts Facts Per Million words). Its the highest recorded contamination level in any journalistic work in the 21st Century.

Such was his impact that the US Center for Disease Control categorized the New York Times Op Ed pages as a Biosafety Level 4 zone, on par with Ebola & Lassa viruses. The CDC advised the US National Guard to quarantine any healthcare worker exposed to these pages. Upon exposure, the survival rate of sanity is estimated to be less than 4%

PM Modi lauded Harris’ yeoman contribution to the Swachh Bharat campaign by his departure. But the PM also warned that the e-waste generated by NYT in the last 3 years will take much longer to clean-up because Google cache had a half-life of 2 Million years.

Reliable sources indicate that Shri Harris has been inundated with offers ever since he announced the move. Washington Waste Post has offered top dollar for Hinduphobic talent like his to boost its Biosafety level, which is presently languishing at a mere 2. Another lucrative offer on the table is for a Drain Inspector position at the Washington DC Water & Sewer Authority.