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Transcript: Congress calls for a secret party meet to discuss exit polls

14, May 2014 By indianpsycho

New Delhi. Congress party leaders, who officially had stated they won’t participate in Exit Polls debate, had in fact had a debate among themselves on the night news channels aired them. Sources tell Faking News that a secret meeting behind closed doors took place at 10 Janpath where some party leaders gathered to analyze and discuss the predicted results.

Sources further inform that the meeting started at a rather ugly note where a concerned Sonia Gandhi rebuked Rahul Gandhi for refusing to change the channel and insisting on watching old episodes of Chhota Bheem.

Congress party
Scenes from the meeting.

A reluctant Rahul Gandhi handed over the remote to his mother and started sobbing. This is what happened thereafter:

Rajiv Shukla: Please don’t cry Rahul Ji, nahi toh main bhi ro dunga.

Sanjay Jha: Nahi. Main rounga Rahul ji ke saath.

Salman Khurshid: NO. I am senior. I will cry.

Kapil Sibal: Within minutes without having to try, we all are going to cry. (pauses) Wow, that rhymed!

Meanwhile Sonia Gandhi was looking at the remote, apparently thinking of Dr. Manmohan Singh, who was not invited to this special meeting. She was jolted out of her thoughts by Sibal’s poetry, and she finally changed the channel.

Times Now is where she landed first. Seeing Arnab on screen, Rahul Gandhi started crying even more loudly and walked out of the room. All leaders get up and try to follow Rahul.

Sonia Gandhi: It’s alright. He will be fine. Let’s see what these guys are saying.

(Everyone starts watching the TV, where Rajasthan figures are flashed on screen)

Sonia Gandhi: (almost choking on her coffee) Holi Ravioli! 14 seats for us and just 10 for BJP. Is it for real???

Ashok Gehlot: Told ya. There is a Gehlot wave in Turkey err..I mean Rajasthan. Assembly elections were just an aberration you see.

Sanjay Jha: On the contrary its because of all the bashing that I have taken in Newshour debates that Arnab has been little generous in Rajasthan.

Digvijay Singh: Exit polls also reflect EVM tamperings?

Rajiv Shukla: I think it was because of Rahul Gandhi’s leadership.

Sonia Gandhi smiles.

Everyone smiles.

Just as the UPA touches three figure mark, all leaders start jumping, giving high-fives to one another, and distributing sweets.

Rajiv Shukla: We have done it. This calls for celebration Sonia ji. It is all because of Indira ji’s vision, Rajiv Ji’s dream, Rahul ji’s guidance and Priyanka ji’s wave in the country.

Sonia Gandhi: Let’s hold on for a minute. (changes channels and lands on News24, run by Rajiv Shukla’s company. News24 predicts massive win for NDA and UPA restricted to 70 seats)

Everyone looks towards Rajiv Shukla.

Kapil Sibal: Why even 70 seats Shukla ji, why not Zero?

Rajiv Shukla: Arey, you forgot? In Gujarat assembly elections, you had claimed that BJP lost because they got lesser seats than expected. This will build expectations and then we can say BJP lost and there is no Modi wave.

Sonia Gandhi: Shabash Shukla Ji. Never thought you could be this intelligent.

Rajiv Shukla: All because of Rahul ji’s leadership.

(At this point they switch over to NDTV, which was showing some program on farming instead of discussing anything political.)

Sonia Gandhi: Ah! That’s why NDTV is my favorite. Always the best channel to watch. Rahul, come back beta, take the remote control.