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India to buy Orkut, to turn it into the national social networking website

31, Aug 2012 By Pagal Patrakar

New Delhi. After realizing that Twitter and Facebook may not comply with every order issued by the government departments, the government of India has decided to buy out Orkut and turn it into the national social networking website of India.

“It will be like the Doordarshan of social networking websites,” a government official tried to explain the nationalization of Orkut, the formerly popular social networking website of Google.

Post the nationalization, government will be able to monitor every “scrap” and community message posted by individuals and screen them for any objectionable content that could destroy the communal harmony or challenge the national security of India.

Doordarshan Orkut
Soon the country will be full of Orkutiyas, experts predict.

“Twitter and Facebook were not ready to monitor or be held responsible for user generated content, hence we decided to do it ourselves,” a government official told Faking News.

Since Orkut has been almost abandoned by the Indian users and its nationalization could make things only worse, government has decided to work on a plan that will make accessing Facebook and Twitter prohibitive and exorbitant.

“Apart from occasional blocks on URLs, we are thinking of allowing ISPs to charge high fees for accessing sites like Facebook and Twitter. Companies like AirTel have been anyway asking for this, so we’d allow it,” a government source revealed, “This will make accessing Facebook and Twitter a frustrating and costly affair and people will come back to Orkut.”

Sources further reveal that a verified account of the Indian government will be created on Orkut, which will have star ratings of 100% Trusty, 100% Cool, and 0% Sexy by default.

“Anyone trying to give a different start rating will be booked for spreading rumors,” the official warned. When asked what was the rationale behind the ratings, the official said, “The government has to be 100% Trusty, no need to explain that. We are 100% Cool because we do everything ‘like a boss’. And we are giving no stars for being ‘Sexy’ because this is a bad word.”

Apart from receiving ratings from the users, in the manner in which it wants, the government will also provide star ratings to other users so that people can spot “bad people”.

“We will give 0% Trusty ratings to people supporting the opposition parties while 0% Cool ratings for people making parody accounts of government ministers,” the official revealed.

“People like Poonam Pandey will get 100% Sexy ratings so that the aam aadmi spends more time on her profile than listening to the untrustworthy and uncool people,” the official added.

Reports suggest that Google has agreed to sell off Orkut as it had no clue what to do with it otherwise. It has asked for an amount that is undisclosed right now but might be calculated by CAG next year.

Unconfirmed sources say Orkut will be renamed as “Rahul Gandhi Scrap Sending Website”.