New Delhi. If you are not a completely useless person, you would know that today is September 9, 2009, which would be written as 09-09-09 no matter which formatting you use till you stick to Gregorian calendar. One can also write it as 999, which is nothing but 666 written upside down, and 666 is the Number of the Beast according the Holy Bible, which means Satan is watching you upside down! (Oh Fuck!) But don’t panic, Faking News will tell you how to protect yourself.
But before that, you must be convinced that today is indeed a special day. It’s the last opportunity in this century to be alive on a day when all the three parameters of a day (day, month and year) can be denoted by a single digit. Not only that, this day is special in many ways.
September 9, 2009 is the 252nd day of the year, 2+5+2 = 9! Today is Wednesday and it is September. Count the letters, Wednesday and September both have 9 letters! Clearly the number 9 holds the key for you, and Faking News will tell you how to make the most of 9.
If you happened to wake up at 09.09.09 AM today, man you have done just the right stuff. You simply don’t need to worry, but to be on the safer side, you should wear nine underwears during the whole day today. Try changing them each time the minute hand of the clock strikes nine.
But if you woke up a few milliseconds earlier or later, don’t worry, you can still protect yourself from that ugly upside down hanging Satan and get the best out of today’s special day. Before stepping out of your home, you must spit nine times on your right side. Remember, each time you must spit on the same spot or you might be hit by a running bull as soon as you reach the main road.
Those who were born between 9.00 PM and 9.00 AM should carry nine pieces of white marbles smeared with ginger-garlic paste in their bag, while those born between 9.00 AM and 9.00 PM should carry nine pieces of black coal smeared with almond-walnut paste. Both of you guys should throw the marbles and coals in your neighbor’s bedroom after midnight today.
To protect yourself from professional troubles, find a female dog, also known as a bitch, who had recently given birth to nine pups in your neighborhood. Garland her and take her to your office and feed her mutton biryani. If you can take along all the nine pups as well, if they survived or if you could find them, you would be blessed for the next nine years.
To protect yourself from road accidents, jump in the air after each ninth step you take while you walk. For best results, stretch your legs and arms as much away from each other as possible when you jump. In case you are not walking and are driving, apply brakes after each 99 meters and try to drive at 99kmph. Oh, god is merciful, he is all knowing.
And yeah, if you are wary of doing some of these stuffs or are not sure if you would be able to do them, there is another simple way. Keep visiting Faking News after each nine minutes and laugh hysterically as soon as the site loads. Forward nine distinct articles of Faking News to your nine distinct and alive friends (each time a new set of nine friends must be selected for each article). If you don’t do this, you will develop piles and won’t be able to sit or shit for the next nine months. Start forwarding now, best of luck!