Tuesday, 28th January, 2020


No trace of asshole who jumped in river despite local warnings

27, Oct 2009 By Pagal Patrakar

Sitapur, Uttar Pradesh. Rescue teams and the local administration are still clueless about the whereabouts of the 23-year-old MBA student, who had jumped in the Gomti river yesterday evening while enjoying picnic with his friends. Saurabh Rai, the traceless guy, and three of his friends were warned by local villagers against venturing out deep in the river, but Saurabh ignored the warning and the idiot has gone missing since then.

Saurabh and his friends are all second year MBA students of IIM Lucknow (name changed to protect the reputation of the original institute) and had bunked classes to have some fun. Police have recovered five credit cards, one laptop, one packet of unused condoms, three half-eaten McDonalds Chicken Maharajas, and seven bottles of Mountain Dew from them. Police couldn’t find any beer or wine bottles on the spot but the rescue team is trying to recover them as well.

A crowd of excited people hoping to see a dead body has started gathering near Gomti River
A crowd of excited people hoping to see a dead body has started gathering near Gomti River

“I think this is another case of accidental drowning and we don’t suspect any foul play. We were informed by the local villagers that they had told these guys not to swim in the river but these guys, especially Saurabh Rai, seemed to have ignored the warning considering the locals as illiterate and uneducated. Such assholic behavior is normally expected of alcoholic guys. We are trying to find out if alcohol was involved in this case.” Bebak Singh, the local police inspector said.

Saurabh’s friends insist that none of them had taken any amount of alcohol at any point of time during their picnic festivities. Ankit, one of Saurabh’s friends, showed his mobile photographs and videos that he took during the last few hours and challenged us to find any suspicious object in them. Faking News team took the challenge and we actually couldn’t find anything worth publishing.

One of the mobile videos taken by Ankit Showed Saurabh swimming in the river, until he vanished. The sounds in the video clip suggested that Ankit and others were egging Saurabh to swim further away and touch a big stone kind of stuff that was almost in the middle of the river. It seems they had some kind of bet and Saurabh ended up being the loser.

“Yes, we did have a bet after we drank Mountain Dew. We were reminded of darr ke aage jeet hai (fear gives way to victory) ad and decided to do something adventurous. We didn’t know it will turn this way.” Ankit conceded, triggering a debate in the civil society if the media was having a harmful and hazardous effect on today’s dumb generation.

One of the many educational movies made by Ramsay Brothers
One of the many educational movies made by Ramsay Brothers

While most of the people in the media termed the debate as ‘yawning’ and misplaced, Ramsey Brothers, the renowned horror film producers, were a notable exception when they accepted that media was to be blamed for such incidents.

“See, we always used to make movies that showed young guys from the city getting badly butchered by bhoot-pishaach (ghosts and devils) when they used to ignore the warnings of villagers against venturing out in any abandoned house or jungle. It was a serious attempt to dissuade people from laughing at villagers who are always seen as illiterate and uneducated. Now we hardly see such movies, which has caused people to ignore villagers and hence such unfortunate incidents are happening.” Tulsi Ramsay argued.