Wednesday, 19th February, 2020


Scientists at MTV decode genes that make a person dumb

19, Dec 2009 By Pagal Patrakar

Mumbai. Researchers and genetic engineers at MTV have claimed to have decoded human genes that make a person downright dumb and a terrible jackass. After around thirteen years of extensive research taken up in India, the MTV scientists are now confident of raising a thoroughbred dumb generation, which they are planning to term as Gen-Du, with the Gen being pronounced as Jhan (not Gun) and Du being pronounced as Do (as in Do the Dew).

“The critical breakthrough was achieved around six years ago, when we launched a controlled experiment code named MTV Roadies. The results were very encouraging and we discovered distinct signs of dumbness in the data set obtained. This was path breaking, and we decided to undertake similar experiments. Soon we could amass huge set of data that gave us keen insights into human idiocy and dumbness.” Raghu Ram, the key researcher informed.

One of the experiments taken up by MTV scientists to decode dumbness
One of the experiments taken up by MTV scientists to decode dumbness

After years of analysis of the obtained data, MTV scientists are now confident that they have found ways to engineer changes into a normal human being in order to make him or her completely dumb. Interestingly, the scientists claim that they don’t need to undertake any surgical operation to engineer such genetic changes.

“We can engineer the required changes though non-surgical means such as audio-visual stimulations of the senses. Our sound engineers, video editors and camera men have worked closely with our researchers and genetic engineers, and we are now ready to take the giant leap – to raise a completely dumb generation – the Gen-Du.” Raghu Ram explained the grand plans.

When asked how the MTV laboratories would ascertain the success of their latest experiments into turning a whole generation dumb, Raghu Ram was kind enough to give us some pointers.

“There are many parameters to ascertain the success and efficacy. There are noticeable behavioral changes where a person starts taking pride in stuff he or she was ashamed of hitherto. We especially monitor a person’s modes of communication. If he or she gets short tempered and starts using short texts such as – mah wez aah so huhah kul thn el u gaez ol wez – we take it as positive signs. We can’t disclose much at this stage as it may hamper our continuous attempts to successfully raise the Gen-Du.” Raghu Ram dropped some hints.

The claims of MTV scientists come close on the heels of Union Science and Technology Minister Prithviraj Chavan claiming that India had entered the elite group of six countries capable of successfully mapping human genome. Although some experts had contested Mr. Chavan’s claim, all of them concede that the achievement of MTV scientists were of much higher importance.

“India would be only the second country after the USA to have its own home grown breed of Gen-Du’s. It surely is a huge thing. I guess even the government should acknowledge this fact and should be happy as Gen-Du’s are far more amenable to be governed than other kinds of generations. MTV has done them a huge favor in my opinion.” British Kandy, a sociologist said.