Mumbai: The Board of Control for Cricket in India has reportedly appointed the well-known serial abuser Raghu Ram as Team India’s official sledging coach for the upcoming series against Zimbabwe. The recent series loss against Bangladesh and the absence of star players for the Zimbabwe series is believed to have led to this innovative move.
Speaking to Faking News reporters, BCCI chief Jagmohan Dalmiya said, “Teams like Australia win matches just through abuses on the field. It’s time we bring in roadies culture into into Indian cricket. In fact, we should rise above the Aussies and be a step ahead in abusing the batsmen on field. Hurling abuses like chu**s, pench***, bhos***e etc. are sure to bring down batsman’s morale, it might even make him forget cricket for a moment.”
“Bangladesh series loss has demoralized our players beyond repair and has given some of us in the board a feeling that Gymkhana ground amateurs were a lot better. We have analysed Raghu’s videos at the BCCI office last night and feel he is the missing ingredient in our otherwise insipid bowling attack. After all, what would Dal taste like without the Tadka? After a series of discussions, we’ve appointed him as the official sledging coach of our team touring Zimbabwe. Hope the abuses can save a few runs and get us wickets,” said Dalmiya as Raghu was seen abusing Ishant Sharma in the background.
Faking News reporters had plugged cotton in their ears when they asked Raghu a few questions while hoping to hear his responses in the recorded video. Here is the excerpt from (one-sided) conversation we had with him.
“Bowlers need not bowl ‘better’ as my follow-through rant lessons have the secret for getting those wickets independent of their primary skills. After all, Ch***s, Bhosa**** and Pench*** have life beyond the beeps you hear on television. So, here I am, to make the opposition shit in their pants, to make the bowlers get the best out of the abuses they’ll learn,” said Raghu as we continued to second him pretentiously.
Cricket experts from across the globe have welcomed BCCI’s move. Andre Nel and Jason Gillespie were more than happy with RaghuRam’s appointment and said his amazing talent if nurtured properly, can make India the world’s most aggressive team.
Meanwhile, sources say Raghu Ram could end up dominating Indian domestic cricket and start special roadies reality show at Ranji Trophy level for boosting players’ visibility.