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America to have more superheroes than regular people by 2030: Report

06, May 2016 By @jurnoleast

Washington: Startling figures were revealed by a report made public by CIA that looked to analyze the future demographics of America. According to the report, most Americans would be outnumbered by either superheroes or mutants by the year 2030.

We need more
We need more

Speaking to Faking News senior official from CIA said, “America has always been under threat and will always be. Scenes would look straight out of a Hollywood  movie. It wouldn’t be possible for these current bunch of superheroes fight them all by themselves. We need to fight Trump trolls, Obesity, Immigrants, Liberals, Slow Internet, Justin Beiber and I can keep going on about this.”

“You have to admit that we done a good job till now. Look how many superheroes we have created till now. Batman, Superman, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow, Spider-man and so on. And it will keep growing till we become a nation of superheroes,” he said with a clenched fist.

Although the prospect of being a superhero does sound exciting, but the sentiment on the street is that of scepticism. “I know this superhero thing makes me feel good but I am still not convinced. I mean I have typical American problems. Like what toppings should I have on my pizza. Will they create a superhero who can help me decide?” questioned a Texas based convenience store owner.

“It would come with its own set of challenges which will have to be dealt with,” admitted a senior White House official candidly.

The report also mentions about an emerging market for superhero costumes given that the numbers would exceed the general population in near future.

Some Silicon Valley entrepreneurs are already seeking funds for their startups, hoping to make it big when the superhero bubble inflates in 2030. “With superheroes outnumbering people in America, there will be a huge market for superhero costumes. We up and ready with our venture and all geared up for the challenge,” said Jason Smith, a Harvard drop out.

It’s not just costumes, there seems to be a mad scramble to get catchy superhero names and many are ruing the lack of options. “I am a big Iron Man fan and thought I’d get a name that sounds cool and metallic like him. But all the names in the periodic table have already been taken. I am left with few options now,” said Dwayne Farley, a google executive who’s desperately looking for names all over the internet.

Though the report sounded largely optimistic about the role of superheroes in making America Great Again, a section the report that mentioned outsourcing superhero work to cheaper destinations in future, did elicit a concerned response. “Even superheroes are not exempt and we need to do something about it. I mean if a Shaktimaan or Nagraj from India can do what Iron Man can, that too at a lower cost, we’d be doomed. Even a superhero like ‘Anti-Outsourcing Man’ will find it hard to save his own job .

Our reporter tried speaking to Deadpool to get his opinion on the report, but Mr. Pool chose not to speak anything and instead sent us a print out of his middle finger.