Tuesday, 18th February, 2020


British Queen told to allow assassination attempt to put Royal family back in news

06, May 2011 By Simon

London. Inspired by the media frenzy surrounding the killing of Osama Bin Laden, advisors to the Queen have suggested that Her Majesty may consider allowing an assassination attempt. A successful regicide would claw back some of the column inches and TV air time stolen from the Royal Wedding by Osama’s death. The Royal Wedding failed to capture the country’s imagination. Consequently, the Royal family badly needs a publicity boost and media attention.

“The Queen is head of a hierarchical un-democratic institution which has, in the past, caused an awful lot of terror for a great many people – British and foreigner alike,” said advisor, Anthony Wearing, “Although they have been quite quiet recently, given the past tyrannies, the US would undoubtedly support the move as justifiable regime change.”

Queen Elizabeth
Queen Elizabeth, though seen happy here, doesn’t get a lot of media mention.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” he continued, “It would be messy, but very good PR. I’m sure the country would support the idea, especially if it gives them a public holiday just like the wedding.”

“Internal support” for the idea is said to be strong with the Prince of Wales allegedly offering the would-be assassin use of an elephant rifle once owned by the Earl of Willingdon.

Rumors are circulating that an Indian assassin may be brought in to do that job due to historical grievances like random imposition of lagaan on poor Indians, forceful seizure of Kohinoor diamond to make it a British Crown Jewel, and the nonsensical re-naming of every Indian city, which the later governments had to revert with legislations.

If this is true, then critics point out that while the US military took a decade to catch Osama, India would end up taking over 60 years to get an elderly lady living in a well-publicized location.

Wearing would not confirm or deny the rumor. “Some things just take longer in India,” were his only words on the subject.

“The last monarch to be assassinated was Charles I who was beheaded in 1649, Al-Qaeda style,” said Faking News’ resident historian who has watched all four seasons of the BBC’s History of Britain series, “After that the royal family became quite popular.” Faking News asked if that had something to do with the oppressive puritan dictatorship that followed in the 1650s, but was told that he “hadn’t seen that episode due to load shedding in Ghaziabad”.

Just before the report was to be published, Digvijay Singh called Faking News and told us that the Indian Prime Minister should also consider this option in order to improve his popularity. “Selective euthanasia,” he called it.