From an Undisclosed Location: After the CIA came in for all round criticism from human rights activist groups for using highly cruel and unusual torture methods on its detainees, Faking News has learnt that they are looking East (Bollywood, to be more precise) in order to perfect, and in some ways, magnify the effects of its ‘enhanced interrogation’ techniques without getting anyone’s hands dirtied.
This reporter has gotten hold of scores of secretive emails which have recently been exchanged between renowned Bollywood directors Sajid Khan and Prabhu Deva and the CIA, which details the CIA requesting rights to all their past and future films.
In an exclusive interview to Faking News, CIA Director of Operations John Doe (he officially does not exist) elaborated on his plans to use these gems, “We are always looking for new ways to interrogate our detainees. You see, with movies like Zero Dark Thirty exposing all of our often used questioning methods, criminals and terrorists have gradually become more comfortable handling them. We even have intel that terrorist organizations train their recruits on how not to break down under such extreme circumstances, in case they get caught. Also, these traditional methods are very time consuming and unhygienic, almost always resulting in the detainee pissing and shitting all over the place. And there is only so much that straight men can look at other naked straight men, without feeling highly uncomfortable.”
“During our hunt we came across two Bollywood movies, Himmatwala and Action Jackson. They were beautiful! Five minutes into both the films I cried out, partly in happiness and party in anguish. Initially we had decided to hand over the prisoners to Azam Khan and his buffaloes, but this was just too good to pass on. I have never seen anything in my life like it. When we showed the films to the President to get his approval, he fainted almost immediately. After gaining consciousness, he was reconsidering his decision to visit India in January but we were able to calm him down, assuring him no Bollywood personnel would be allowed to get within a range of 1 km of him.”
Looking full of enthusiasm, Mr. Doe continued on, “Our initial tests are very positive. One hardened terrorist, who was able to survive our waterboarding method for days on end earlier, broke down within 216 seconds after being chained to a chair in a dark hall, with Action Jackson playing in Dolby Digital surround sound. He was even willing to give up on the promised virgins just to get the hell out.”
We spoke to both Prabhu Deva and Sajid Khan to get their reactions.
Here is what they had to say: “Frankly, when we made these films we never thought they would find applications in such places. We were always aware of the hidden potential of the films, even though critics and the general public spent little time before rubbishing them. We feel extremely humbled and excited by the fact that we, in our own small way, are able to fight terrorism and save countless human lives.”
When asked about the plight of movie goers who were made to suffer after watching their films, they added, poignantly, “Collateral damages. Nobody understands that better than the US agencies.”
Meanwhile, in light of this news, almost all terrorist organizations have released advisories for their agents around the world to “Blow yourself up, cut your throat, slash your wrist, we don’t care how. Just don’t get caught!”