Thursday, 20th February, 2020


Planning to hire cats as suicide bombers, 9-lives provide better return on investment: ISIS

09, May 2015 By Pagla Ghoda

ISIS Headquarters. ISIS’s PR team Harqat-e-anjaan released a fresh YouTube video in which the newly elected CFO Mr. Zhaleel-Al-Zalalat explained his organizational vision and key action items for next financial year. Putting lot of emphasis on strengthening on-ground operations, Mr. Zhaleel talked about various initiatives which the organization is taking to improve revenues, reduce costs and enhance shareholder equity. Hiring cats as suicide bombers was one of the disruptive innovations discussed during the video.

Later talking to a popular middle-east news channel, Mr. Zhaleel explained in detail some key points from his talk.

They are running short of quality suicide bombers.
They are running short of quality suicide bombers.

“Efficiency in our operations and cost optimization, these are the two guiding goals which have driven me all throughout my career. And since I am new to ISIS I will align the whole organization to these goals. Prior to joining ISIS as CFO, I was the Vice-President of suicide squads for 13 years at Al Qaeda. Suicide-bombing is the department which is very cost-heavy and has a lot of scope for cost optimization,  hence I will own and drive this function at ISIS myself.”

“To capture some low hanging fruits quickly, we will be training one thousand domestic Cats to be effective suicide bombers so that in one shot we effectively get not one but nine thousand suicide bombers. Their nine lives can be re-utilized again and again. We execute this one simple initiative and we would have cut down the cost of entire department by approx 800%. Our PnL would be solid as ever,” Mr. Zhaleel said.

When asked about Corporate Social responsibility (CSR) initiatives which ISIS is indulging in, Mr. Zhaleel sharply nodded his head in affirmation. He said, “Although I have studied management in London I am not your run-of-the-mill MBA grad. I am an organic CFO. I just understand basic numbers and run my business according to them. ISIS today is earning 700,000 £ a day by selling oil, by human trafficking and through some other A-Star businesses. The same oil and trafficked humans are helping several nations run their multi-billion dollar economies throughout the world. Our economic contribution to society far exceeds any CSR contribution by any of the other major corporations throughout the world. That I believe is the best anyone can do in the CSR domain.” Mr. Zhaleel effectively ducked the actual CSR question.

Soon after this question Mr. Zhaleel had to step-in into an emergency conference call for a situation developing in Southern part of ISIS territory and had to discontinue the interview, but detailed transcript of his YouTube talk and interview was sent via email to major news channels across the world and is available on major document sharing websites for download and further study.